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What A Sex Worker Can Teach Us About Connection

Episode #41

In this episode, Tim and Doug discuss how a man gets a connection with a sex worker and how to not rely on this.

Men who are disconnected tend to search for something to fill them and sometimes they end up being involved with a sex worker. This situation enables him to be connected in a way because it is the opportunity for him to open up emotionally, take off his mask and just be himself.

Having sex with a sex worker gives him a sense of connectional significance which he lacks in life. Sex is not the main reason why he does this but rather to get time and space to be loved, to be seen and most importantly to feel companionship.

Instead of doing this, you should act like a real man who doesn’t run away or escape situations. Be that man who knows how to deal with problems and knows how to find a connection with himself first.

Find men who you can open up to without judgment, someone you can get support from and you can connect with.

In this episode you will learn:

  1. Why men seek connection from a sex worker
  2. How a man finds a connection during sex
  3. Importance of having real conversations with other men who play at the same level as you.
  4. How to be really connected without involving yourself with a sex worker


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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man. 

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews 0:02 

Guys saved in a video, and I was struggling. I was going on hookup sites, and I was looking at porn. I was trying to skip, and I was talking to my friends. I was expressing to them what I was feeling. He was like, Look, just get over it. That’s just life. he’s like, well, I can’t get over it., I can’t just it’s not as simple as just get over.

Doug Holt 0:24 

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host Doug Holt. Right next to me, my co-host, Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s happening, man?

Tim Matthews 0:38 

Yeah, I’m good. I’m good. How are you?

Doug Holt 0:40 

Doing great, doing great little, little groggy. We were out late last night. Have an amazing lobster dinner. One of the guys that’s with us in The Brotherhood happens to be Muslim. It’s the month of Ramadan. So we’re learning a lot about that because neither of us is. He couldn’t eat till 8 pm. We wanted to honor him. It stayed a little later than we typically would have an amazing dinner, which we talked about in another podcast. But today, what I want to talk about, we came back to my house, and my wife had already been gone to sleep. But she had sent us a TED talk, a TEDx talk Without a salt lake city, in the talk hosted a sex worker. So as a sex worker talking about men and connection, right. So I want to talk a little bit about that, what you get out of that video. We talked about it this morning with my wife, and Omar was there. What kind of what were your thoughts? And let’s go back and forth and explain to these guys kind of what we got out of that? 

Tim Matthews 1:36 

Yeah there, were a couple of key thoughts that I thought were, well, there was a lot a couple that I can remember that stood out to me., if you guys want to check this talk out, as you said, it was TEDx in Salt Lake City. The title was, know what a sex worker can teach us about connection, which in itself is such a dichotomy because you’d think of a sex worker, which is no connection at all, wouldn’t, wouldn’t you in the type of work that they do. But what you said was, on average, studies have shared, and clear they’ve not studied you and me in that study, but on average, studies of sex lasts about five minutes. Guys will usually pay for an hour or two hours.

Doug Holt 2:19 

three hours. 

Tim Matthews 2:22 

Oh, is it three hours? 

Doug Holt 2:23

Yeah, it’s crazy. 

Tim Matthews 2:24

Yeah. Which the student says they’re not coming for the sex. Because, five minutes, there’s a lot of time left after that, I wish it was saying is, well, one of the things that I found interesting was the fact that men get it was a connection or significance from either the muscles money or their merger, how good they are in bed. They’re kind of the three pillars by which she believes that men tend to seek connection. She said that I was reflecting on my journey in my life. When when I was younger, and yeah, it was the muscles and doing the old arm workout on a Friday, before you’d go out to the pub, and each muscle, yeah. Then it turned to money in my kind of the mid to late 20s. I think at the same time as it is muscles, and it was also the merger. It was just fascinating to see that because we see it play out so much. Then also, when she was discussing how with her when the men Then have sex, what that then does is gives them an opportunity in a space in which they can take off the mask, and that that then opens up the floodgates to them opening up emotionally in other ways, and being seen and being heard and connected.

Doug Holt 3:45 

Yeah, what was interesting to me is that we think it was five minutes and 34 seconds or something as the average for sexual intercourse. Intercourse at all. I don’t know if that includes foreplay or what you have. But anyway, that was the stat that she, she threw out there. She was saying that during that time because men don’t have a connection. If you don’t have men who don’t have tears, they turned to bullets. That was one of the quotes that she gave from a basketball player. But she said the rest of the time is her hugging and consoling somebody whose wife and kids are across the country or a disabled man who hasn’t felt seen or felt normal in a long time. It wasn’t just about the sex. Now she did throw out there some people want some kinky stuff going on and what have you. But she was saying with a sex worker and what she sees which is ties into us men, is that lack of connection that’s out there., if you don’t have a lot of money, you’re not the richest guy., if you’re listening to this, chances are you’re not the richest person in the world, which means there’s always somebody above you. Right, and my dad told me growing up there always be somebody stronger than you. He was athletic and was a big kid. But he always remembered, look, there always be someone stronger and bigger than you. Then we talk about sex and Mojo getting sex and what have you. That’s when people turn to a sex worker. They’re not just turning to sex workers, which I didn’t even consider very much. They’re turning it for the companionship and the idea to go out there and talk and have a conversation and be able to share their feelings. But what I got to that Tim or more than anything, was it permitted them to feel, right. So it permitted them to not only share their feelings, but I gave them to open up like, hey, it’s okay to feel something. She allowed them to have that feeling because they didn’t feel significant. They didn’t feel worthy., they didn’t feel as if they were there, man enough, right, that she brought, she brought that up the beginning. Like how many of you men have been called wimps man up, make sure you man up. When did that start? Boys, Don’t Cry. When did that start in your life? We see that play out a lot with the men as they come to The Activation Method. We’re talking about some of these guys are their alphas these guys are athletes, they’re their leaders in their community leaders in business, but through and we don’t want to go into too much detail the exercises we take these men through, because you just need to experience it. That’s not a plug. It’s just the truth. But a lot of this comes out from stuff that they didn’t realize had programmed them. Right. This is exactly what is leading these men, this lack of connection to these sex workers and things like that.

Tim Matthews 6:33 

Yeah. It’s fascinating because no rejection can happen. Is there?

Doug Holt 6:37 

No, no, yeah.

Tim Matthews 6:38 

safe. Yes, if like you said, like, permit him. Now compare these guys going to a sex worker, it’s picking up a girl in a bar, to pick up a girl in a bar, they’ve got to put themselves out there, and they’ve got to risk being seen, and they’ve got to be vulnerable, and they’ve got to risk rejection. If you don’t connect with yourself, hence seeking it from a sex worker, if you don’t have the connection with yourself, then it’s going to be a lot more difficult for you to risk the rejection because it’s going to hurt a lot more. So with the sex worker, that’s, that goes away. So it’s almost like you, in some respects, I think, guaranteed some form of connection. But, although the reason is sex going to them for sex. That’s not the actual reason, is it? Because if they’re hanging around, and they’re staying for longer, it’s got nothing to do with the sex, and the sex is kind of like hey, it’s kind of like sell them what they need, give them all, sell them what they want, give them what they need. Now, though, they want the sex quote, unquote, but what they need is that time and space to be loved. As I’m saying this, I’m like to be loved, loved by a sex worker, like, it just sounds like such a dichotomy. But it’s so true. It’s got nothing to do and has very little to do with the sex.

Doug Holt 8:08 

Yeah, it’s a connection. That’s one thing we hear a lot as men, and we hear a lot from men. Doing this work, we talked to 1000s of guys around the world. If guys feel lonely, They’re not going to say lonely. That’s not the word they use. We’re talking about this upstairs. You don’t feel as if as a man oftentimes, and try this one if you’re listening to this and tell me what you think that you can have an open and honest conversation with another man, alcohol, and drug-free regularly that’s playing at the same level that you are. So Said another way because I know that was kind of drawn out. You don’t have somebody you can pick up the phone with or knock on their door; what have you sober. You have an open and honest conversation about what’s going on in your world in your life, that’s playing at the same level, that’s going to be reciprocating the message and openly receiving what you’re saying and communicating back with you and also sharing. You and I are both talking about. We have friends, and there are tons of people in our lives. But do we did we have somebody let’s say two years ago, maybe more than that, but in your life that you felt like hey, well, no matter what was happening, you could pick up the phone or what have you call them and have a clear, easy conversation anytime without having a beer or without drinking, or, and just feel that connection?

Tim Matthews 9:30 

Um, I said no one had the conversation. But as I’m thinking about this now, I think there’s one guy that could have done this with. However, they always intended to get to a point, which never got any further. Now that point was a lot further than a lot of other guys I could speak with. Nevertheless, there was still more to be had and expressed within the conversation when we did get to that point. I feel that that’s because it stirs up. Certainly, the conversation stirs up certain emotions within the other person, obviously external emotions up within, let’s say me, the guy that wants to express how I’m feeling. Those emotions he stays up in, in my friend. Typically as men, we don’t know how to deal with those emotions. So what do we do? We just want to get out of the situation. So we’ll say something like, come on, just get on with it. Now, that’s just the way it is. There’s a. I was reviewing one of the testimonials today from the team edited. He’s the guy saying in the video I was struggling, and I was going on hookup sites, I was looking at porn. I was trying to just escape, and I was talking to my friends. I was expressing to them what I was feeling? He was like, Look, just get over it. That’s just life. he’s like, well, I can’t get over it., I can’t just it’s not as simple as just get over it.

Doug Holt 11:02 

Hey, guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk to you about something important. We put together a case study on how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives there for axing their business revenues and are having more connected intimate sex, all without sacrificing their relationships or their health by using The Activation Method. Now, a lot of you have contacted us, and they want to know how they’re doing it. We put together this short 11-minute case study just for you. So you can see how these entrepreneurs are achieving this level of success. To get this case study, all you have to do is go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus. Yep, that’s one, one. You can get the case study right now. All right, it’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode. Yeah, well, that’s the amazing thing. Right is for me, it was turned to sports, right and do something athletic. the emotions we’re talking about, at least I’m talking about, aren’t necessarily emotions of cry and pain, but anything that’s going on in your life, you don’t have a manual on how to run your life, you just no one’s giving you this blueprint or this manual to do it. So talking it out with other men you respect and love, and care about is critically important. I mean, look at we look at The Brotherhood, the guys that enter The Brotherhood. They’ve gone through The Activation Method and The Alpha Reset. We’ve seen them on this journey. Then now, all of a sudden, they’re surrounded by other men playing at a high level, they skyrocket their growth. They’re calling each other a guy in Scotland is calling a guy in the states in Indiana. They’re having conversations that are real deal conversations. Recently, we had a guy, a single guy in Wales, having a conversation with a married man with kids in the states in the US and telling them how to date his wife and seduce his wife. For the first time in eight years, the result was his wife said, Thank you for letting me know what it’s like to be with a man. Oh, that was huge when I heard that. But it was that connection. He opened up to another man who expressed the pain he had in his relationship, which then freed up space for the other man to step in to have a conversation with them. They work together. Hey, man, here are some strategies that have worked for me. I’m no longer in a serious relationship. However, here’s what I know. They’re able to play and have a conversation at that level. It’s brought him and his wife to get closer together than they’ve been in over eight years. That’s going to trickle down to the kids. The children there, his kids, are going to see that love and connection he and his wife now have that they hadn’t had. They’ll emulate that. We another thing that was cool about that Ted Talk was my caffeine kicks in. That was cool that TED talk was she made a point that I think is relevant. I’m not going to get it exactly right, Tim, but she said something along the lines of men who commit suicide and men who commit mass killings aren’t connected and aren’t feeling significant or loved. In other words, Said another way, men who are connected with themselves and with someone else and have a deep high level that feels loved and significant feel worthy. They aren’t the people out there killing themselves. They aren’t the people out there killing other people and mass shootings and things of that nature. It’s the people who are disconnected that are doing that.

Tim Matthews 14:32 

As you said, I realize it’s just the complete same energy, isn’t it? It’s the same origin. Yeah. How I guess expressed, whether through suicide or shootings, or alcohol, or porn or cheating or domestic violence or whatever it is, how it gets expressed. You get to share some stats that show the number of murders. Yeah, and the number of mass shootings over 300. Yeah, a year. Yeah, I think it was 360 or 370. There’s more than one a day. Yeah. Or just over more than once a day. In terms of how many shootings are our

Doug Holt 15:11 

mass shootings? Mass shooter shooting?

Tim Matthews 15:13 

Yeah. Then murders. Had murders gone up by seven and a half 1000? I think in the year, 

Doug Holt 15:20

I remember that number. Yeah. It is a large number.

Tim Matthews 15:23

Yeah, Then she said, some of the figures as well., these crimes are very rarely committed by women. Yeah. Are they? Yeah, he’s like the stats of I remember, read an article on this. A while ago, talking about how the increase in crime isn’t coming from women is very, it’s such a small percentage of it is? And then makes you question, Well, why is that? Unlike what you say when you are connected to yourself, and the last podcast episode we recorded was all about leaving your business remotely. What he was saying that that’s great, but it starts with yourself. It does. Now, you get to be, you need to be connected to yourself, for anything else to change, and then surrounded by other men who you can have conversations with real conversations with and open up to and, what then does for you, when you open up, it lightens the burden to when you then heard you feel seen, then you don’t feel alone. Then you get help and support, and then your life changes, and it becomes easier to open? The faster you do it, the easier it becomes a better life gets. It’s just a cycle, isn’t it?

Doug Holt 16:37 

Yea, So it reinforces. Do you think about the idea of paying for a sex worker a prostitute? You feel you think about that idea?, first you have the cost The financial cost? And I don’t know 10? How much does it cost to get a sex worker these days?

Tim Matthews 16:50 

in pounds, three pounds?

Doug Holt 16:53 

I have no idea. You only charge a pound. I yeah, I pay. I always lose money when I try to put myself out. But, you have that cost. But you have the opportunity cost. But then you also have the fallout afterward. The emotional fallout of connection, what has you this, which brings us to the whole idea of the movement and why you and I got involved in this work that we do internationally, is connecting men, right and connecting, and creating that community out there. It doesn’t have to do with going involved in The Powerful Man as coursework. Still, being involved in that community in that movement. raising your hand, and saying what, enough is enough men have been put to the side for too long in this conversation. This is not to say that men should be dominant over women or whatever is not saying that. I’m not taking away from women at all. I’m saying this conversation that we’re having that this woman was having about men and connection needs to be at the forefront of conversations because the men’s male suicide rate is climbing at an alarming rate. Right. You have killings, as you said, Men feeling dejected, and to stay at home burying their head in the sand, turning on the TV, burying a Facebook, the internet searching for something, Which reminds me you’ve seen the matrix, and it starts you got Neo at the computer. He’s just there searching for something he knows is out there but doesn’t know what it is. I feel like a lot of us men are doing that too. We’re looking for that community, The Brotherhood of like-minded men, right of like-minded men. It’s hard because I still get triggered we think about men connecting; you always think about wimps, right. I hate to use that word because it plays right into that woman’s story about being wimpy or what have you. But it’s not about that at all. It’s about having someone playing at your level that you can share ideas about that in a non-judgmental format. It has a friend what it is And friendships, and it’s not competitive Look, I make more money than you are. You’re bigger, my dicks bigger than you, that kind of stuff that comes out in the high school or playground area. It’s about connecting with like-minded people all over the world. So if you’re in a community that doesn’t have them, though. You got the internet right now you’re talking to Tim and me. So it’s creating and fostering The Brotherhood that’s out there and making sure that you’re up-leveling your game Because, guys, remember, you don’t know who’s watching you. There’s always another man or somebody else watching you. If you’re listening to this podcast or watching us on YouTube, or whatever you are, you are playing at a higher level than the average man period end of the story. Your job is to take it to the next level, in my opinion, and therefore create a standard for yourself. Those who are watching you and emulating you to play in another light give them an invitation to step forward by increasing your own game and making yourself open for more situations.

Tim Matthews 19:51 

So true. So true. It reminds me. This is why we designed The Activation Method because the truth is all about breaking the chains of society—reconnecting to your instincts as a powerful man and breaking the chains of society. In my opinion, that’s what gets to happen, and it needs to happen here. Because in the past, since the internet has come around, there’s been a gradual decline hasn’t women have risen, which is fantastic. It’s also created a gap between where men are today that we get to bridge, and we are bridging it as a gender as a society, a culture of men, we are bridging it there is a movement. There are lots of movements out there, which is great. Work is being done. Again, like you said, listening to this, you are not the average guy, but and there are also two types of guys, as we both know the guy that’s going to listen to this and continue to listen and listen and listen, get a shot, quick buzz out of it, but never do anything with it. Don’t be that guy if you have been that guy, cool. But please, I encourage you Don’t be that guy., you need it by your wife, your kids, your family if you don’t have a wife or kids. Now there’ll be other people that need you that do look up to you, and I am certain of that. You will be a role model to someone somewhere. Let us see the type of guy that listens to the podcast and digests it takes notes and implements. He learns the big difference between learning and consuming information is a behavior change. So it was a great TED Talk. It was. Again if you do want to listen to that Ted Talk is TEDx Salt Lake City. What sex workers can teach us about connection.

Doug Holt 21:47 

Absolutely. Well, guys, that’s a wrap-up, Tim. I like this format, where we go back and forth. This is almost as close to you, and I was just having a conversation, which we always talk about. Man, we wish we could just record this at the moment and do that. So we have to figure out a way to doing that. Gentlemen, first of all, I honor you for being here. Second, get out there. Spread your wings, go over to the Facebook group, share something with a community. That’s the best way to start. Be that first person who takes the first step. I know in your head, some of you are going well. Yeah, sure, I’ll do it. But just do it. Take action and commit and be a leader. Until then, we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.