Episode #42
Today we revisit our most popular episode – Run Towards Your Fear
Tim and Doug discuss putting things off and holding back in your work and personal life. At the heart of this is often fear. Fear of change and fear of what other people think are completely natural and inbuilt in us all, but when you learn to push past this your life and business improves drastically.
But how do you overcome fear?
The answer is simple… Run towards your fear!
It sounds easy in many ways but it can actually be more difficult to conquer, on this podcast you can learn the best approach to embracing fear. Imagine if fear became something you embraced or something you didn’t naturally try to avoid, how would that make you feel?
Tim and Doug share real-life stories as to times when they ran towards their fear including a very personal story about how Tim’s work was seriously hindering his health, personal life and relationship as a result of fear. He reveals how he overcame this.
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
That fear right there is what is holding you back. A fear that it’s not the right time because I’m not perfect yet, not only in this area, but also in the area of the business theory of his relationships is this idea that it’s not the ideal time because I’m not perfect yet, but then I’ll do it when I’m perfect.
Tim Matthews 0:17
You know, I love to do that. I love to run towards the fear.
Doug Holt 0:25
Hi, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. Here I am, your host, Doug Colt, with my co-hosts, Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, how are you doing?
Tim Matthews 0:36
Hi, I’m Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. I’m new Fantastic, thank you. How are you?
Doug Holt 0:42
I’m doing great, absolutely fantastic as well? Well, Tim, I know we have a lot that we always want to talk about on this. We talk a lot about things before we get on to it, hit the record button, and talk about them afterward. But one of the questions that came up yesterday from a guy I was talking to is; let me frame this for everybody listening. From the outside, this is kind of one of your typical alpha male significant, strong, very powerful presence. A lot of people are listening to this, and we probably know who this person is. So obviously, I won’t give too many identifying clues. But somebody that a lot of men would look up to, he’s got the lifestyle from the outside that a lot of us would aspire to if you’re looking at traditional media. So when I was talking to him about what was going on with his life and asking how things were going for him, his answer wasn’t fantastic. Because things aren’t going fantastic for him. in the conversation, we talked about growth, like what it takes to grow as a man truly, and how to step outside your comfort zones, and what that looks like. It ended up coming down to once we broke through all the BS is he told me he was too fragile to grow. In other words, he said, Doug, look, I just think right now I’m too fragile. Like, I don’t want to go to an event or take a course or work with a coach or read a book or whatever it is. I’m just too fragile for growth. What would you say to somebody like that?
Tim Matthews 2:11
What I say, Yes, too fragile for growth. I mean, the thing that comes to my mind, if that was a response, it sounds to me like, in that instance, you’re just too scared to face the reality of what he has created in his life or what he hasn’t created in his life., one of the things we talk a lot about in The Activation Method, as, Doug is taking radical responsibility for your results. For as long as you want to keep your results outside of you, you want to lie to yourself and not take ownership and let your positivity mask your reality, and then you keep everything at arm’s length. You’ve given your power away. However, when you’re able to drop the level and remove, whether things are good or bad, and just take them as feedback, then you can put the ball back in your car and then choose something different, whereas what I hear you say. It’s funny, because yesterday as well, I had a similar conversation with a business owner, maybe we’ll go inside a moment. But yeah, as long as you want to keep those results at arm’s length and say that you’re too fragile. You’re going to remain fragile. Yeah, so it’s, I mean, what was your response of interest? What did you say?
Doug Holt 3:42
What I told them, and then to give more frame of reference, I wasn’t going to bring it up. But this was in direct question in relation to him taking The Activation Method and jumping into the inner circle with some of our high-performing guys. So what I read into it right away, knowing this person is a high-performance business owner. He was scared about what he was saying, and I repeated this back to him: I don’t want anybody else to see me. Melt. I don’t want anybody else to see that I’m not perfect. It’s this mask that we all wear, not all of us. Many of us now walk away, Brown, like yourself and myself, taking that mask off as much as possible but concerned about what other people think, so I told him exactly what I told him. I said, Look, I understand where you’re coming from. I understand that you’re worried that, in this fragile state, you’re not performing at 100%. That’s what you like to be. That’s what you like to put out in the world. That’s like where you liked to go. But this is the perfect time for you to jump in. This is the perfect time for you to rebuild yourself, shed your skin, shed your mask, and step into your power, your true power, because that is, to me, what’s powerful. When you’re scared of being vulnerable, when you’re scared of showing people that you’re not perfect, and guess what, none of us are perfect. It said that fear right there is what is holding you back. I’ve been working with him for a little while. So I know this for the fact that fear of what other people think of him, the fear of it’s not the right time because I’m not perfect yet, is exactly what’s holding him back, not only in this area, but also in the area of his business, the area of his relationships, the area of his just general wellness, is this idea that it’s not the perfect time, because I’m not perfect yet, but then I’ll do it when I’m perfect.
Tim Matthews 5:38
You know what, I love to do that situation, I love to run towards the fear. I don’t do this all the time. But an example of this was this week with Amelia. So you and I set some targets for The Powerful Man for this month. I didn’t weigh in; I got to Like the final ten days of the month. we will, right let’s adjust and let’s stretch, and let’s go again. I was like, bring it and, you like me will have challenges, whether it’s fitness, whether it whatever we rise to the challenge, but the pattern that I have been able to come to realize, and it’s the one that it’s kind of like my default mode, and it’s hustle. Now my default mode is to go and hustle like mad. Because the one I love what I do, two, I love the challenge three, I just find it fun. But before, I never used to have an imbalance. So it used to come at the cost of everything. also, the energy behind the hustle used to be me trying to prove myself. So anyway, as you and I then go and reset and go and stretch things, I’m like, yeah, bring it awesome all in. I then found myself over a period of about 567 days, going back into that pattern. also going back into some of those stories and wanting to prove and not feel like a failure. Some of it to some degree, we had some projects that were finished in two when the company didn’t work. They were coming to completion. So it was some of that as well. But what started to happen was, I started to become disconnected from Amelia from my girlfriend and just been honest and clear and transparent. I’ve not spoken to anyone about this, and I can’t believe I’m doing it for the first time as a farmer. I then started to have dreams like other women. I was like, What was going on? Like, why? Why am I having these dreams? And I’d wake up, and I’d feel a little bit confused, a little bit even more distant. For the first time, I started to question my relationship with her. I’ve never not. Yeah, I’ve never questioned my relationship with her. We’ve got an amazing bond. We’ve had such a great relationship. It’s been a phenomenal few years. yeah, I’ve found myself in the same thought pattern that I’ve been in all my relationships. I was like, This time, I was able to just stop and see it and dive into it and ask myself some questions. I was like, what’s going on here? what, what’s beneath this? And I felt stressed; I wasn’t sleeping as well. One of the telltale signs for me is that I got to bed. Later with my mind still racing, I wake up, and I’m thinking about work straight away. I don’t necessarily go into my phone straight away or anything like that. But my mind’s active, I’m not as rested, and my stress levels are higher. that was happening over these past ten days. what I came to realize wasn’t Amelia; it wasn’t a relationship. It was because I was feeling so much scarcity within myself. Not necessarily in the sense that I don’t feel good enough and things like that, although there probably was some of that going on more say my energy in our felt so lacking in my energy. because I felt so drained and so tired because I’d been working ten days straight training for a triathlon. Then I’ve got stuff to do with the dogs and with Amelia and family. There’s just been a lot going on by choice., I’m not moaning here. I’ve chosen this path. But as a result, I then started to look at Amelia through the eyes of project Tonto, and in reality, it was all about me and the space I was operating at, and you’ll remember Volks said you didn’t know a few days ago, I’ve been like what, Doug? We hate this way. If we dealt with Fuck it. I’m not stressed out about this. I’ve surrendered to it. I’ve relaxed, and whatever happens, we’ll just adjust. We’ll pivot; we’ll go again. I’m not letting this control my life; it’s not worth it. That’s what I said to you. It’s not worth it. Not worth my health; it’s not worth my stress. It fucking isn’t. then what I did in terms of what I said a moment ago about running towards these things. I told Amelia I was I went up to, and I said, Look, I want to apologize. I was like, why? Like, because I’ve been quite stressed over these past ten days. I don’t feel like I’ve been very nice here. So you’ve not been nice to me at all. I don’t agree, and I wouldn’t go that far, just little things like good and getting a favorite coffee shop. I took her smoothie back and asked for it. also, the little things I’ve been doing. But, sometimes this is my reluctance to lead up to things to me like, because sometimes when I do, she’ll be like, Oh, yes, this is my opening. Boom. That’s what it seems to me.So anyway,
Doug Holt 11:03
Every man is listening to this, by the way.
Tim Matthews 11:05
So, I just apologized and said, Look, I’m sorry. She said, Yeah, you have been. I said, Okay, what have I been, like, you’ve not shown interest, you’ve been distant. You’ve not done this, and you’re not done that. I was just, I just hooked her and kissed her and sat with her. I unexplained what was going on and explained I just did this to let her into my life. I told her exactly what was going on and why I was acting that way. I was choosing to do something different. But the point is, at that moment, in terms of running towards what scared me, it would have been very, not been easier for me to not have the conversation with Amelia. It would have been easy for me to just go back, go back to and just be our loving or be or whatever. It probably wouldn’t have been forgotten about. It probably would have surfaced in some other way at some other point. But I felt quiet, I felt guilty, to be honest at first, and it’s okay to feel guilty. Some of those no levels, I thought to kill about those dreams and think about these other women. Hell. Now, wherever I go, I’m going to take myself with me; however, the relationship I go into, I’m going to take myself with me. So it’s not, it’s not Amelia. I didn’t necessarily tell her about the dreams and the women because I didn’t think it was irrelevant. I thought it might have been misinterpreted in some way because she’s an amazing woman. But anyway, yeah, brilliance was what scares me; it was just she was so free. So in terms of being too fragile, the fragility comes from the fear, like you said, that fear of being seen and being judged and not feeling like we’ve got the capacity or the energy to handle it. So instead, we just want to hide and lie and run away and avoid what’s going on.
Doug Holt 13:02
Hey, guys, I won’t interrupt this show because I want to talk to you about a case study we put together. It’s only 11 minutes long. What we do is we go over and show you how almost 300 men have taken control of their life, have already four acts the business revenue, and are having more connected and intimate sex with their partner using The Activation Method. They’re doing all this without burning down their relationships, without suffering and sacrificing their health. We want you to have this too. So go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus, the number 11 one, and get this right now. It’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. All but let’s get back to the episode. What scares me the most here in this hearing is that you say that story is one of the things I responded with that I didn’t share earlier. As I said, the most powerful men I know, the strong and powerful guys, run towards their fears. As soon as they fear something, they’ve created a habit of going towards it, not physical fear, necessarily, but any emotional fear. I said that they’re like the Indiana Jones of their inner game, always discovering and going through that and finding the treasures. They look at this fear as a treasure and as a lesson. So great, great analogy. Great point there, Tim. it scares me a little bit that I brought that up, which means I was talking about you.
Tim Matthews 14:32
I have a question for you. Yep. So when was the last time you ran towards your inner fear?
Doug Holt 14:40
Um, great question. Gosh, I was trying to think about it. It’s become like you. It’s become such a habit that as soon as something scares me or worries me, I bring it up right away. I recognize that trigger of fear, so to speak, coming into an interview with an emotional trigger, and then I step into it and do it right away. I think probably the last time was this conversation with this good guy. I respect him a lot., I was worried that if I was too frank with him, he wouldn’t be able to take it. So as soon as I was worried, again, fear, fear, and worry are very similar. That’s when I knew I had to be very frank and honest with him, and tell him, Look, here’s the deal. I told him that I’m just going to be blunt with you and honest with you because I would respect that you would do the same with me. You need to master your inner game because right now, you lack in that department. That is going to control and run with everything. So that was probably the last time that I went through a small fear. But again, something that I just try to recognize as soon as possible and then go towards it.
Tim Matthews 15:49
I know, like, for me, it took ten days, didn’t it? It took ten days for me to realize about ten days anywhere. I was ignoring the signs for quite a while. To be honest, I could feel myself managing to change, and I could feel my stress levels going up. There are always symptoms, aren’t there? For me, stress levels go up, and sleep gets worse. I feel like I’m trying to spend a lot of time with players. I feel like I’m trying to keep a lot of things up. So I start to feel overwhelmed. Then I start to do things that I don’t want to do. So I start to ask people please as well. I have commitments because I’m coming from a place where I feel more drained and worn out. Then I don’t have the strength. So on my No, I say yes to things when there are no. So now I’m just surprised even further. So for you, it’s great that you were able to catch it quicker. For me, it took a little bit longer. I think that’s an important point. Because for some people, and enough, this is true of a lot of the guys we’ve coached in The Powerful Man and do coach that lag time can sometimes turn into judgment. They say, Well, why didn’t I catch it sooner? And I should have done this? And what about that? And I’ve lost out on this and just chill. You’ve caught. Now you can change. There’s no point living in the past. There’s no point beating yourself up. Because again, all that does, in my opinion, what’s happening there is the binding to the levels on this is good, or this is bad. Well, why does anything have to be good? Or bad? Why can I not just be what it is? It’s such a key point, and just the conversation I had with one of the guys in my inner circle yesterday. So he jumped on the call, and he was deflated. He was quite upset. He was supposed to be going out to see Michael McIntyre tonight for dinner with my girlfriend. But now it’s like we’re going to have showdown talks at dinner somewhere. Okay, what do you mean? Well, the shares at the fun again earlier. They’ve had various arguments in the past but, they’ve worked through all of them because his ex is quite manipulative to his current girlfriend and does certain things and says certain things as she now has blocked his ex on Facebook to try and focus on herself and the relationship without being triggered. So anyway, what happened was this person wanted to go swimming, he said, I was Sunday, and I wanted to go swimming and get my training for the triathlon. So I asked, I’m just going to call her Sarah. So I asked Sarah if she could start the first time out for the kids; they could first time the month while I went swimming. Perfect time the kids are going to be in bed. Laura is just there. No one’s doing anything. So I’ll go swimming. Perfect. I thought it was going to be, no problem. Then Sarah said, well, you do know that I’ve blocked. I’m going to call her. Jean. Do you know that? I’ve blocked Jean on Facebook. He’s like, Yeah, he’s okay. Just unblock her. So Sarah is like, Uhm, Okay. So Anyway, one thing led to another, and obviously, some words went back and forth. Then this guy turned around and said to Sarah, Your just so full of bullshit because obviously, it’s almost smooth. There was some resistance and, and for him, this has been something that had been going on previously but at, same time. Sarah is trying to figure out how by blocking her and doing her own thing. So anyway, what led to another and what he turned out was, as I was speaking to him, I said Look, I, first of all, I get how important it is for you to let the kids the first time the mom gets it. If the shoe was on foot, you’re on the same, so I get that at the same time. I don’t think it’s fair that you asked Sarah to unblock Jean. So she could then go, and for the first time, that’s not her responsibility; it’s yours. At the end of the day your responsibility; you made the commitments you get to on that. Thirdly, why is it that you’re trying to cram these women into lasting in a week, on an evening? And he’s like, Well, I’ve just had a busy week.
I’m like, Yeah, but you’ve worked so hard, we company for the past ten years, building the company, you all have space within your schedule, and your energy to be able to work out when you want for the triathlon instead of it creating loads of stress in your life, as you can see, in the cogs stop going, then, hmm. Anyway, the outcome of the conversation wasn’t a problem in his relationship at all. It was an opportunity in his leadership to lead his company and not be doing everything, not trying to be different roles, different people just staying on their own, they’re not leaking energy all over the place. As a result, they would be able to work out the times they want, instead of feeling so stretched and fragile. As a result, then reacting in the way he said, his own words, if he didn’t feel so stretched and so burnt out and exhausted, then he feels like his reaction would have been very different. Because he feels that way, it feels fragile. At the same time, because he’s not running towards his fears. I mean, he does, he’s an amazing entrepreneur, but there are some things that he’s not running towards within his leadership within the company. One of the means is paying the price outside of it. His relationship. He just saw so many parallels between all these conversations, isn’t Doug? You went through what I went through what the guy he was speaking to experience what the guy I was speaking to experienced. There are so many threads it all links in. It’s just so fascinating to see how we often feel like we’re on a lot of an island. Why this mask of perfection point out there and on social media, but in reality, when we have these conversations, that are real. We talk about real stuff. What’s going on behind the scenes? And we understand that. Oh, wow, yeah, there are other guys experiencing something similar, and it’s okay to talk about it. Well, fuck, I’m going to talk about instead of letting the guilt and the shame wear me down,
Doug Holt 22:50
so true, and that, that’s what’s so great about The Activation Method, and getting the guys into groups, or for retreats that we put on is these guys are all coming in there as high performers. Everybody’s nervous, stepping into that realm. Then to have them look around, even despite everybody’s story being so different, the things that we face as men have so many parallels, and they’re not things to be ashamed of, it’s stepping into that fear, as you talked about, stepping into that fear, to me is what being a man is all about. Being able to do that. Instead of just talking now, oh, I will talk about my feelings. Well, that is scarcity. That’s, you’re just afraid. You’re afraid of what people will think about you, and you’re afraid of what’s going to come out of your mouth. There’s that fear. That’s deep down if they’ve been listening to or being honest with themselves. You don’t talk about things because you’re afraid, and you’re afraid of what other people are going to think or what’s going to come out or some societal norms. So that’s why I love getting those men together and seeing what’s happening. What comes out of that and allowing them to be the mirror reflects for the other men.
Tim Matthews 24:02
Yeah, for sure. Then in terms of the relationship piece, as well, because I thought that it’s such a big threat, it’s something that always comes up, isn’t it always, always rears its head, whether we think it’s a problem with business, it turns out to be something behind the scenes that is kind of causing the stress, usually, but yeah, when you’re able to take ownership and be vulnerable, and run towards your fears. Wow, you know, the woman in your life. Talk about improving your sex life. There’s only one reaction that she’s usually going to have: she sees you running towards your fears of being vulnerable and doing so with pride and honor. Standing tall is only usual when the outcome isn’t there.
Doug Holt 24:59
Absolutely. Man, that’s a great outcome.
Tim Matthews 25:03
Yeah, it can be, it can be for sure.
Doug Holt 25:07
Well, Tim, I know that you and I can, and we’ll probably talk about this for hours. But that’s a wrap for this show, and guys and gals, we’ll be back with another episode coming up, The Powerful Man as well. So Tim is always thankful for sharing your wisdom and imparting it to the world. What you’re doing is an amazing man.
Tim Matthews 25:27
Likewise, you have a cost issue and then the business with me. Yeah, total mirror back to you in and out of business. An amazing father, entrepreneur, husband, man, so it’s not about every time.
Doug Holt 25:42
Thank you so much.Thank you. Alright, guys, we will see you next episode.
