The Blame Game

Episode #49

When business owners feel that they are not good enough and they don’t have control over their lives and businesses it transmutes to the people around them. When they feel uncertain, people in the workplace will feel the sense of unease of not being led confidently.

When you feel that you are not enough, you tend to hustle because you think that you should be doing more and better. Hustling, which is frantic energy, will be felt by the people around you and nobody wants to be around someone with frantic energy. If this cycle continues you will eventually feel empty inside, burnout and will experience broken relationships.

Instead of blaming others for the things going on around you, which is a trap many of us fall into, focus on addressing your own issues first. Take a moment to look into where you fell short and do something about it. Find out what triggers you to feel that way about yourself, acknowledge it and do something about it.

In this episode you will learn:

  1. That how you feel about yourself affects the people around you.
  2. How to look into what triggers that feeling of not being enough and acknowledge it.
  3. What causes gaps in leadership.
  4. What triggers the blame game.


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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:02  

Just as this guy said that the problem was his partner, who I don’t know if she’s the right partner, he’s a partner isn’t the problem for me. The lens through which he’s seen his partner through is the reflection of how he’s seen himself. His staff is the problem.

Doug Holt  0:19  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, what’s happening, brother?

Tim Matthews  0:33  

Why are you laughing?

Doug Holt  0:35  

Because I know how much you anticipate that and excited, like, I can picture you like a little kid jumping up and down and getting ready for me to make that announcement. But it’s, it’s so true. You truly embody what it is to be a powerful man, and you walk the walk every day; even when you stumble, you’re always moving forward. So it’s a fitting accolade.

Tim Matthews  0:58  

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I kissed on the market meeting a lot of the time, face affirmed, I feel like everyone just eff off. It came across that way.

Doug Holt  1:13  

The best part we say everybody was myself and victor, who runs digital marketing over for the agency.

Tim Matthews  1:19  

Does, he was on my ship. Awesome. So anyway, um, something I want to bring up with you, Doug. I’d love to get your perspective on this. So I was just speaking to one of the men in The Brotherhood, this guy, phenomenal guy. He shared with me how he just spent a week away with his partner, and he had a great time going to Egypt. Saw the pyramids like had a phenomenal time together. Yet, for some reason, he is still unsure of whether she’s the right one for him. This came up in conversation alongside the fact that he is planning to take a month off his business in September. To take a month off in September, a couple of pieces get to be put in place within his company. One of them the main piece; it gets to a point in places around leadership around him speaking his voice and having his leadership be felt within the organization. Now, where I’m going with this is, as well as always speaking and leading him through the coaching session this morning, what came out of it was the fact that the symptom, the gap that he was experiencing, within his company, his staff not doing what they say they’re going to do, in his words, it’s like, Tim, when the cat’s away, the mice will play, I found that interesting. They said that was interesting. But anyway, as you don’t paint the picture of what is going on in his business when he’s not there. Then he’s relationship is questioning things as well., the areas of his life that are feeling uncertain as well is out of alignment with who he knows he’s capable of being, and what it all came down to was the fact that he didn’t feel like he was enough—as a result in him not feeling like he is enough. He’s in looking at his partner through the eyes that well through the eyes of not enough and seeing all the flaws in her and seeing all the ways that she could improve because that’s how he looks at himself. Then within his leadership team is then looking at how they’re not performing and how there could be the improvement and the gaps there; he’s not speaking his voice there either. Because he doesn’t feel like he’s enough, he got into this situation, where it was almost a bit of a blame game he wasn’t victimizing is what he wasn’t going to any victimization at all. Who he is, is not the type of guy. However, he can sometimes get into the habit of thinking that these things are the problems that experience things outside of themselves when often the problems that many of us are experiencing in our life are a reflection of what is going on inside us, the emotions that we are feeling, and the beliefs that we have about ourself.

Doug Holt  4:15  

Yeah, so I do know who you’re talking about because you told me right before we hit record, so I’m going to ask you some questions because I know you’ve spoken to them. But what this is sounding like first, Tim, to me is an issue of leadership. Not only leadership within his business. Most of the men who listen to our podcast are business leaders and leadership in their personal lives. Do you feel when you were talking to him that he’s leading himself, and I’ll just say his family, for lack of a better term,

Tim Matthews  4:45  

Define leadership in this context,

Doug Holt  4:49  

Or leadership is a multifaceted one. It’s walking the walk two; it’s giving clear access expectations to your team and the people around you. Three is holding space, a container of energy how that is him when a man walks into a room now, this could be, it could be a short skinny man, or it could be a giant of a man. But it doesn’t matter. It’s his energetic presence when he walks into the room. We often say to The Powerful Man that your presence walks in and can be felt before you get into the room. Those are the things I’m thinking of when I say leadership right now.

Tim Matthews  5:29  

Okay, well, no, wouldn’t it? No, it doesn’t hit all of those how he’s falling right now. I’m sure to listen to this episode. We’ll agree. The way in, which is falling right now, is in the presence department he’s taking action, he’s showing up he’s communicating with his team? Boats, he is almost, he’s in the pan in the cycle of hustling. When he’s in that cycle, he’s trying, as he’s tried so many different strategies in the past sleep fasting sleeping for 20 minutes segments, is a real, typical hustler. It does it well. If you can also, well, this guy hustles, well, I can get stuff done. However, the flip side of that is that he always tells himself they could be doing more, and he should be doing more, and he could be doing better. Because he’s looked at himself and his progress through that lens, and through that filter, for so many decades, it’s become his norm. As a result, he’s then feeding into him right now in the leadership department, showing up with a presence that essentially has holes in it because he doesn’t feel like he is enough for his efforts. Good enough, as a result, is ingot leaks in his book it right. It’s then showing up, like I said, in all those people feeling that too.

Doug Holt  7:00  

Got it. Okay. Well, this is pretty common with business owners. So a business owner goes into the workplace, they’re frantic because they’re not leading their own lives properly. I say properly; everybody’s different. But I’m talking about what we talked about in The Activation Method, and through our course, teachings, are there certain ways you want to set up your day, you want to set up your day for success, and you set up you’re also setting up your week, your month, your quarter, your year, and you’re able to roll into it. Through setting that up, gives your freedom gives you optics and clarity. Now it sounded to me like he’s constantly pivoting and changing; he’s going into hustle mode, which is frantic energy. As business owners, we go in with that frantic energy. This also applies to our significant others long term relationships and things like that. We go with that frantic energy, and it can be felt. We all know what that’s like to be around someone very anxious. So we go in there that the business owner feels like they’re out of control. When the business owner doesn’t think they have control over their lives or over their business, that transmutes to everybody else around them, right. So everybody else around them is starting to feel this sense of unease. They’re not being led or confidently led anyway. They get a sense of unease of what’s going to happen with the future is going to be if you look at this person’s maybe their long term relationship, if it’s a woman, maybe we always talk about the hierarchy of needs. Often, for women, one of the top hierarchies of needs is certainty. They want to be certain about the future certain about safety. 

But if somebody is uncertain in their own lives and is frantic, and what you were calling kind of a hustler, then that’s going to provide a chink in the armor. That’s going to be a dent in that relationship. It will be an energetic leak, so to speak, and then also applies to the workplace. If he’s leading that way in the workplace, and he’s doing this with frantic energy, of course, nobody wants to be around that. So yeah, the mice will play when the cat’s away when the cat’s abusing the mice, so to speak, I know this man. I know he’s working on his leadership skills. I know, I know, certainly him, in particular, he’s not consciously doing this. But I know in the past, that was the way he operated. When you look at Tim at conventional media and how business is supposed to be done versus the way it works. We look at shows and look at these business owners to these jerks that are yelling and screaming at their employees. Of course, employees aren’t going to have loyalty, and they’re going to leave, and when the business owners are gone, they will do whatever they want to do. Nobody likes being treated that way. Then the business owner ends up feeling empty inside burnout and eventually gets tired of the hustle and grind and feels completely depleted. That cycle gets shown we’ve talked about other cycles, and I’m going off on a tangent, but I’ll bring it back., that cycle leads to excessive caffeine, then excessive alcohol to come down, or other drugs, vice versa. Then they need the kind of like a rehab phase. You’re talking about yesterday, your energy, but that’s rare for you. But for some business owners, that’s the norm. 

Then who wants to be around that they don’t know who they’re going to get. It’s kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, who we’re going to get every day in the workplace. So I’m not surprised that if this is happening for him, what we’re describing here, that he’s getting that result he’s getting the result of that, as soon as he leaves, people can sigh, a release. They’re like, ah, finally, now we can relax. Now we can go in our flow and get things done. In particular, in particular, if he hasn’t explained the things that need to get done, then why they need to get done, and associated that with his team’s why they’re never going to do it. They’re never going to buy-in. They’re going to think, oh, why am I doing this checklist of systems when at the end of the day, it’s unnecessary. It’s just extra work for me. I think that might be what’s applying in this case. Certainly, we talk about other business leaders, Tim, that you and I speak about. They often tiptoe around staff; they tiptoe around the issues until it boils up, and then they explode. That’s not good for anybody.

Hey, guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk to you about something important. We put together a case study on how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives. There are 4x in their business revenues, and they’re having more connected intimate sex, all without sacrificing the relationships or their health by using The Activation Method. Now a lot of you have contacted us, and they want to know how they’re doing it. We put together this short 11-minute case study just for you. So you can see how these entrepreneurs are achieving this level of success. To get this case study, all you have to do is go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus. Yep, that’s one, one. You can get the case study right now. All right, it’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.

Tim Matthews  12:24  

No, and I think there’s some of that going on within his company. However, the other side to this and the fact that well, I’ll introduce a different point here. The great thing about his position is that he is very aware of the root cause of all this is with him going through The Alpha Reset a couple of times—with him, working with us for quite some time. He’s very aware of what is going on underneath this because when he described to me that the life that he’s living in 90 days, and more importantly, the man that he is in 90 days, that is living that life is created that life, he spoke about an element of trust, he spoke about being able to let go making bigger, bolder decisions in business leading his people, developing leaders leading with his heart, his heart, is his compass, been a man of his word, to describe all these great characteristics and some action items of, of how he shows up, you on the flip side of that what he was doing was he was very guarded, very controlling. He was very afraid, and what you can what it comes down to there. Because we both know that being guarded and controlling the symptom of being afraid, you’re afraid he got in control. For him, what he was afraid of was being mediocre. He was afraid of losing the family business and being rejected yet, for the previous several months. He’s had some fantastic clearing conversations with his dad. So he has nothing to fear there, who started the business. He’s had some fantastic clearing conversations with other members of his family. So he feels very loved and seen and supported there as well. So the point being is, is getting to the root of a lot of this. Now it’s a case of him being able to stack the evidence and look for how he is showing up in alignment with all those characteristics I just described. Because right now, there’s a gap. 

That gap is in his leadership; as you said at the start is the leading, and when I say the gap is in his leadership, he isn’t feeling like from because he is then controlling and being guarded. He isn’t able to trust and let go. That’s when it’s so easy. All I say is so easy. We see so often. The business owners will then play the blame game and think that the reaction that they’re getting from the people in their environment, whether it’s their wife or their partner, or their staff or their kids, that’s the problem. Yeah, just as this guy was saying that the problem was his partner who I don’t know if she’s the right partner, for me, his partner isn’t the problem, the lens through which he is seen his partner through is the reflection of how he has seen himself, his staff, the problem, how they’re being led, is, so it’s quite common that we see. I’ve been guilty of in the past as well, to get into this pattern of playing the blame game. He thinks that everything outside of us is the problem when in reality, they’re just a symptom and a reflection of what’s going on within us. When we’re able to consider that and granted not every time it is, again, that there are exceptions to the rule here yet is whenever I, whenever we do encounter situations within The Powerful Man or even our personal lives, one of the things I like to think that I do. I want to stand my ground; one of the things I do is always take radical responsibility. So I’m always looking at, okay, how is this reflection of what I’m doing? Where are the gaps in my own game here? What where do I get to improve? And sometimes, I’ve felt like I’ve done everything I can do. What’s showing up in this instance is a problem with that person or with the situation outside of me. So in that position, I’m more entitled to play the blame game, not from a victimization standpoint of poor me. How can you do this to me, but from the standpoint of, hey, the problem is yours. It’s not mine, and maybe it isn’t the right partner? Or maybe it’s not the right person on the team? Or maybe it isn’t the right friendship, or whatever it is? 

Doug Holt  17:09  

Well, yeah, the blame game. I mean, whenever frustration and anxiety kick in, they meet each other, the blame game gets triggered for most people. And we all do it, and taking extreme ownership of yourself and your actions is the solution here and of what he wants. For this gentleman here, I know you’ve talked to him recently. I know you talked to him today, for his particular situation, it’s similar to a lot of them. What makes it harder for him is he knows better. He knows what’s possible for him because he’s seen it; he’s gone through The Alpha Reset. He, he’s seen the other side. So he’s almost it’s almost tougher for him because he knows what’s possible. He knows where he gets to take things to the next level. When we think about this blame game that people are playing and business owners are playing, when they’re blaming other people outside of them, what we call it, Tim, is take care of your side of the street first, in any relationship. For example, let’s take my wife, or my employees outside of The Powerful Man, or whatever it is, with our consult companies. Whenever I have an issue with somebody, I always want to look at where I fall short, if anywhere on this, and how can I do it better? Right. That’s what I want to look for. This doesn’t excuse if someone screws up; you got to call it out. You just do certain ways of doing that effectively. But you also need to take ownership of yourself., yesterday, you, as you just said in the marketing meeting we had with a team., were you weren’t in the best of moods. But the truth was you were tired. You were exhausted because you’d poured so much energy into a couple of projects you’re working on. 

You’re getting ready right now. When this comes out, you’ll be away; you’ll be traveling right now for fun. You’re going to be working with a bunch of high-end business owners and doing a masquerade ball and all these other things that you’re going to be doing, which is awesome. So, you’re we’re getting things done, and you’re exhausted, instead of the set of blaming everybody you came to the meeting, and you just call it out said, look, here’s what I’m feeling. Here’s where I’m at, and I take ownership of this, and you didn’t blame anybody. That’s a different feeling. Right? And for somebody like myself, who was that in that meeting, the recipient of that energy, you just kind of said, look, I own my energy, and I own my space. I’m letting you guys all know it has nothing to do with you. Let’s move forward. That’s completely different energy rather than blaming everybody for little things that are going on. Because when you when, you’re in that energetic space of worry, frustration and problems seem like they’re not getting fixed. It’s easy just to point fingers at other people. False find small things that aren’t working, right small things that are slipping through the cracks, and look at it and start blaming everybody yelling, everybody throwing up your cat, your hands like a baby and, and running off crying, when in fact, we all have little things, it’s easy to find the problems it’s just as easy to find the good stuff. When you focus on the good, you get more of it in return. So when we’re not taking care of our side of the street, like cleaning our side of the street, we’re focusing our energy on pointing out everybody else. My girlfriend, maybe she’s not the one she’s not good enough, my staffs, not their staff aren’t good enough. This, that, and the other. What it comes down to is the business owner, the man, the man himself. That’s what also what I again, I mean, by leading yourself, you need to lead yourself, make sure you’re doing the right things, tending to the garden of your mind, so to speak, and making sure you’re following that path.

Tim Matthews  20:57  

I love it. This guy once we got to the root of what the problem was. He realized that it’s great because you see the aha moment, the penny drops, boom, and this again. Because this is his common fear is common insecurity that he’s done a lot of work on. He’s got a lot of power, way more power over these days than is ever had in the past. Yet, when he came when he realized what it was, as right tell them, what to do, tell him what to do get this journal, I was to write all these slits down, I’m like, just chill, like don’t want to push away through this, that you feel in like, you’re not enough, and your efforts are never enough. You could always do be doing more, and you should always be doing better. You go in and solving this and rushing through it. It’s just the same energy that’s created a problem in the first place. So I gave him some things to do, of course, a couple of items. He said something interesting. He said this, no, this is completely showing up in all areas of my life. Me not feeling like enough means I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough energy. I don’t have enough of this, and I don’t have enough of that. He said to reel off this whole list of things that right now he’s not experiencing enough off. He’s not experiencing enough of those things. Because again, he is; it’s a reflection of what’s going on within him. In that place of feeling essentially scarce and burnt out and spread thin, it is so easy. Or it can be so easy. It used to be so easy for me to look at other people as a problem. When people apply for Facebook, The Activation Method, Facebook community, there are three questions. One of the problems, one of the questions, is what is the biggest problem you are struggling with right now. 

At this point, these men are in a position whereby they feel very similar to the guy that we’re speaking about right now, experiencing problems and struggles in, in business, in relationships with their health. They have not yet realized that holy, holy crap, and it’s me, I’m the one that’s causing all this. So as a result, the biggest problem is their staff are their biggest problem is their marketing, or their biggest problem is their wife, or their biggest problem is so on, it’s always something outside of them, which is cool. It’s where they’re at in the journey; I get that I was there too., you’ve been there, and we’re all human beings, and we’re all in our paths and journeys. Yeah, I’m excited for these men when you’re able to walk the path of a powerful man and shift from being asleep to then being aware that is making them been aware of here’s what I’m capable of. He completely changes the game. Yeah, sure, this guy is experiencing a problem right now. Because he has done the work, it’s much easier. Because he’s got people around him, of course, being able to jump on a call and identify what the root of the problem is quickly, instead of dragging on for weeks, days, months, years, whatever, allows him to be able to move through it quicker. Because he’s already done the work and been through the practices, it means he’s a lot more familiar with it. So it’s going to weigh him down for less time, and he doesn’t then ruin a relationship that he’s by all right, great relationship. There’s sabotage his business because often this turns into sabotage, doesn’t it? And this is why people struggle to have what they want because they’ll leave a relationship believing it’s the partner on a twin up, get into another relationship or another marriage. With a very similar dynamic, or they’ll get rid of that, that staff member will get rid of someone on their team or whatever it is only to end up in the same position because it’s got nothing to do with those people outside of them. It requires you to meet a listener, whoever, to be able to do the work to move through those stages of being asleep, aware, and then awake.

Doug Holt  25:25  

So true, so true. So Tim, in wrapping this up for any man that’s listening to this, that finds himself in a similar situation, where a couple of things that they can do right here, right now, moving forward, to get to that next level of realization,

Tim Matthews  25:42  

To get to the next level of realization, if you listen to this, you realize you are experiencing some of these problems, and the problem might be you. Let’s just say it’s in the area of relationship, then if you want to be in a relationship, and you love the woman that you’re with or even the man that you’re with. You may have been projecting onto that person some of your fears and insecurities. Then I invite you to have a clearing conversation with that person, approach them, and come clean with how you feel and how this has influenced your behavior. I might go to amelia and say, hey, amelia, can I talk to you a moment? Say, yeah, I just want to let you realize that my actions lately have been that they seem to be affecting you in this way. It’s got nothing to do with you is, and this is what I’ve been feeling. This is what I’ve been experiencing. I realized that explain what it is you realize, take complete ownership. Don’t, don’t project anything onto them, of course. Let them know what you’re going to do moving forwards if you don’t know what you’re going to do moving forward. So then my advice to you would be to find outreach out to us reach out to somebody, whatever it is, do something moving forwards if you realize it, but just to alleviate that burden that you’ve been placing on the relationship, alleviate it, because often what happens is now when the men have done this in the past when they first come into The Activation Method is that the woman, the women now life just breathe a complete sigh of relief. Because they know this, they often know it anywhere. They’re waiting for the plane to drop, with us. When you come clean and take ownership of the shortcomings and how your insecurities have been influenced in a relationship, you recognize that and share that you’re going to do something about it. That’s where it starts to create a new dynamic in the relationship.

Doug Holt  27:51  

Beautiful. I love it, Tim, and you’re so spot on. So gentlemen, if you find this for you, we’d love to hear is your thoughts on your experience over in the activation group Facebook page. It’s a free Facebook page and a community of men just like you where our coaches are always sharing information. Let’s continue the conversation there and kind of an overtime situation. Tim, thanks again as always, and have a fantastic trip, my friend.


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