On wedding days, you have high expectations for your future together. You anticipate becoming a ‘power couple’. But over time the potency of your union starts to slip away, and you find yourself split apart and drifting further away from each other.
When this happens, often the guy falls into deactivated mode and tries to repair the marriage by making his wife happy…but that doesn’t work either. Before you know it, you and your wife have become more roommates than you are lovers.
In this episode, we are going to talk about the idea of having a roommate with a ring, the reasons why you start feeling like roommates, and how to reconfirm your commitments to each other.
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Doug Holt 0:00
As time goes by, they both wake up at separate times and go to bed. At separate times they bump into each other in the kitchen. They’re almost upset. You’re my way out of the way, little things like that. Whereas it used to be you in the kitchen and your relationships go into good shape, you bump into her, you give him a pat on the butt or you kind of reach around, give her a little hug, or she reaches Roger Wade store, she grabs you, but it doesn’t sound like that. Now, you and your partner, you and your wife, are more roommates, and you are lovers.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:12
Very well, realize the guys listening to them. See what I just did? I’m doing well. I’m doing very well—peaceful, which is nice.
Doug Holt 0:25
Good. I’m glad. I’m glad I know you’ve got a lot going on. You’ve been doing a lot for the movement, and it’s much appreciated. Then everything that’s going.
Tim Matthews 0:36
yeah, it’s likewise. Right. Okay. Yeah, I think we’ve both been driving it, which is great because it’s paying off. The men are getting some phenomenal results; it’s time to take on a life of its own, which is nice.
Doug Holt 0:50
Absolutely. So Tim, what I want to talk about today, and it’s going to be a short one for us, is the idea of having a roommate with a ring. Now, we’ve talked about this or alluded to it with other podcasts that we’ve done, or the shows we’ve done, and it’s this concept that you’re getting married on your wedding day is, for most guys, a very special occasion, maybe not as much as the bride. But let’s be real, a lot of guys, and I’ve been to a lot of weddings, and you have to have a great time, right? And they’re in love and the love is in the air and they have high expectations for the future, right a lot of guys will talk about, they almost expect themselves to be this power couple, right, and maybe my power couple just in business but a power couple together. Or maybe the man’s the leader; maybe the woman is a leader too in her own right. But they’re coming together to this, this union then over time, over time, this union starts to, to spread away and they, they maybe they work starts to get in the way, maybe they start to have kids a pandemic hits, right, and they start to start to split and drift when that drift net split happens, a lot of times, the guy will fall into what we call the deactivated or a nice guy mode, and try to repair the marriage by doing things to make his wife happy. But that doesn’t work either then, as time goes by, they both wake up at separate times, go to bed at separate times, they bump into each other at the kitchen, and they bump each other into each other at the kitchen, they’re almost upset, like, you’re on my way get out of the way, little things like that. Whereas it used to be right when you’re in the kitchen and your relationships go into a good state, you bump into her; you give her a little pat in the butt.
Or you kind of reach around and give her a little hug, or she reaches around your waist, or she grabs you. Right? But it doesn’t sound like that anymore. Now that bump in the kitchen is kind of like, why is that jerk there? Why are you in my way, becomes the attitude. Not; I can’t believe I get to be with you, so those little things start to turn into a roommate situation. You and your partner, you and your wife, are more roommates than you are lovers now. You’re stuck with a roommate with a ring. Right? Your wife becomes your roommate with a ring and not even a good roommate, Tim; let’s be that even worse part. It’s not one of those cool roommates that get an extra six-pack of beer for you in the fridge. Or after a long day, you’re sitting on the couch, over here in the States watching ESPN on sports, and they bring you a beer, and you guys are just shooting the shit about your favorite team or whatever it is. No, this is the roommate that’s going to look at you with a critical eye if you’re drinking a beer, and no sports aren’t on right now because we’re watching this show or the kids or this or whatever it is, or you didn’t do the dishes, and you were supposed to. This is the bad roommate; this bad roommate has got a ring and a ring that you picked out together probably. Maybe you’ve been handed down from your mother’s or grandmother’s ring or what it may be. Now you have this person living in your home. You used to love who’s now criticizing you, who is now distant from you. You can tell this person doesn’t want you to be there. It’s an inconvenience now you’ve got a roommate with a ring and what that ring symbolizes is that there used to be love there, and you’re not bringing home any chicks, right is not your buddy. Right? It’s not your buddy who used to be a roommate who’s bringing home girls for you as well. No, no, no, it’s a different situation. You’re now a married guy, and a lot of guys celebrate, almost right? If you’re having sex less than once a week for many guys, which is happening, kind of celebrate. That’s a lot of ways. So, Tim, talk a little bit about your experience talking to the guys about having a roommate with a ring.
Tim Matthews 4:58
Yeah, I mean, Wow, so many places to go with this my experience of talking to the man I mean, oh, my God, it’s not what I thought they’d be. There’s a lot of shame that goes with it because one of two things tends to happen, right? They end up slipping into this cycle of shame, sabotage, and sedation, often, and obviously, that’s the third agony, right? We all know what goes before that. We spoke about that previously. But with this third agony in the cycle of shame, sabotage, sabotage, and submission. In particular, with the roommate with the ring, the shame game that goes on for them is when they’re not having the intimacy in that be it sex, beer, physical contact, be it just a nice look of admiration. They often are at a loss as to why I’m in; how has this happening? I’m doing all the right things. I’m going out there, and I’m working hard. I’m providing for the family, and I’m bringing home the paycheck. I mean, some of them kind of say that all they do is feel like a paycheck. Yeah. But they don’t have to deal with this. Because often they’ll try and initiate sex and it will happen, they’ll feel rejected, and then feel less of a man, usually, some of them you erupt inevitably, either publicly or privately, if it’s privately usually it’s through porn, or they sat drinking more are they even start working longer, because, hey, if I’m not going to get my needs met at home. At the same time, I can be the man in the office, so I’m going to go to work for longer, I’m going to work harder, I’m going to stay there late to avoid going home, maybe when I get home, she’ll be a bit more tired. So I can avoid those arguments that usually happen if I come home a little earlier.
Anything that keeps me out of the house longer or they end up erupting publicly in this, it’s usually a sharp word for the kids just for acting their age, or maybe they’re up to the wife; usually, it’s unrelated to the lack of intimacy, or lack of sex and their lack of appreciation at the feel it’s a harsh word, and they regret it instantly. They can’t take it back; they don’t know what to do to correct it either. He just worsens the situation, then going to bed sleeping inches apart, but feels like in this map feeling like there are miles between them. They don’t know what to do often. The worst part about this is everyone looks at them like they’re the man, right? And they’re so used to being able to solve problems, and they cannot solve this. But they’re also ashamed of the fact that they are lashing out at the people they love or even avoiding them. Or maybe even secretly watching porn and not having sex. They’re ashamed of it. , it’s not where they thought they’d be, and it’s not who they want to be either. Somebody walks into the office, and somebody says, Hey, Jim, how’s the family? Oh, yeah, they’re great? How’s the wife? Yeah, she’s great. Things are good because everybody in the community looks at them. Like they’re this leader. Yeah. As days go by and this goes on, the shame starts to stack, and it is heavy. The idea of a roommate with a ring is a tough one. Because Where do I go from here? , do I settle and be in a relationship where I accept I’m not going to have sex? I’m worse than that. I’m not even going to be admired or appreciated. Or do I? Tell the family and be selfish? I can’t do that. So then I’m trapped in this no man’s land that has to be trapped as a way out but feels trapped in this no man’s land.
Doug Holt 11:49
Yeah, and what happens for a lot of us men when this situation is we feel like we’re just going to have to carry the burden, right? , what is it? It’s good. It’s good as this is as good as it’s going to get. I’m going to suck it up. I’m going to do what I can for business. I’m going to conquer it. I’m going to go after it somewhere else and screw it. Eventually, this will get better. Hopefully, this will get better. They settle and what starts to happen is that roads and resentment build up against their wife. Time and time again, and they fall in. Okay, okay, right. I’m going to do something about this. All right, let me do what I did. I’m going to clean the house. I’m going to be the night. I’m going to do all the nice things. I’m going to get her flowers. Let’s get her a new car, right? She’s been complaining her car’s not that nice. I’ll get a new car. I’m going to get her a new wedding ring, a bigger diamond because I’m making money now. Right? When we got married, I wasn’t making enough money because smaller rings of course . If I get a bigger, bigger ring, I’m going to get laid all the time.
It’s going to be amazing. She’s going to be happy. It’s going to reconfirm our commitment. Oh, it’s going to be awesome; it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. They try again, they realize, what? If she would just realize how hard I’m working if she would just be nicer. If she’s incapable, dubbed him, she’s bipolar? How many times have we heard that? My wife’s bipolar? She’s crazy. The funny thing, guys, is she probably is. Right?. But in a good way. Tim, the thing that happened and happened for me is when I got rid of those stories. I said good enough, isn’t good enough. Right? I want to be great. I deserve great. I’m going for great in other areas of my life. Why? Why the heck would I settle here, right? But I don’t use the word heck. Right? When I say that, why would I settle here? And it’s when we choose not to settle men. When we choose not to, we realize that we get to change first, right? Sure. We have a wife or, excuse me, a roommate with a ring. Now let’s change our game. Right? Where am I showing up like this? And we change ourselves. That’s when it changes everything.
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What happens is this bipolar woman, this roommate with a ring goes from a bipolar woman who’s crazy when guys get activated; she gets crazy. She goes from trying to rip your head off to ripping your clothes off; that is where you want to be, the crazy you get is good in the bedroom. When you’re activated, right? When you go to this from this, from this deactivated state to activate and this benevolent alpha male. You’re no longer going into battle, bumping into each other in the kitchen. What happens is she bumps into you, and she starts rubbing her butt against your crotch as she’s bumping into you. It’s playful and now bumping into each other as fun in the kitchen. As she goes from a roommate with a ring to a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, it’s not what we all want. I can tell you what she wants. Guaranteed. She wants your wife his way freakier than. Right, We see it time and time again. There have been studies in books on it where it talks about women’s fantasies and what they want is an activated benevolent alpha male. Right?
Tim Matthews 12:36
Um, but she won’t leave me 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Oh, but Doug, I’m too busy to date my wife. , I’ve got to take care of business. There’s somebody out there that will. Oh, but you don’t get it. ? It’s different. ? It’s just different. Okay.
Doug Holt 12:58
Tim Matthews 13:02
It’s okay. Is different.
Doug Holt 13:03
Okay. You see, guys, we have the advantage here at The Powerful Man. If talking to hundreds of business owners, a month if not a week, right? That’s the advantage we have over most anybody. Right? I don’t know anybody that’s got access to that much data, so to speak, there are trends, just like all kinds of trends, that become predictable. Right? The excuses are the same excuses. I had Tim the same excuses I had when things weren’t going well. Well, she just fixed herself and realizes that all she has to do is have sex with me, do this, blow jobs. As soon as I get home, look how hard I’m working. She can have everything that she wants. She’s so lucky, my secretary wants to sleep with me, the girl at the gym wants to sleep with me. Why doesn’t my wife just realize that I could get laid anytime I want to with anybody I want to, but the guy’s reality is I wanted my wife; it wasn’t working. I had a roommate with a ring. Until I took the actual work on myself and got honest and real, which is having somebody else show me what was going on, right? Because we lie to ourselves more than anybody else. Once that happened, I opened my eyes and was like, Oh, shit.
Okay, let me try these things; I was skeptical. Tim, I was like, yeah, this is not going to work. I was skeptical at night because it was so bad. I had a roommate with a ring myself. But when it works, and you’ve bumped into each other in the kitchen and bumped into each other from God, why are you my way to God? Let’s go to the bedroom. It’s already here. Let’s skip the skip, skip the bedroom. Right? We got an island in our kitchen, and I won’t go into details. But that’s when it becomes fun, guys. That’s when it becomes awesome. That’s when it becomes exciting. That’s when your life refills with a passion that takes over to your work, takes over to your health now you’re still like, yeah, could have the girl at the gym? Yeah, I could have my secretary. But I want my wife, and she wants me. I’m going to take her up. Now she’s there, and you go from literally wanting to rip each other’s head off to wanting to rip each other’s clothes off.
Tim Matthews 15:26
So Doug, tell the guys about the upcoming challenge that we’ve got going on.
Doug Holt 15:31
Yeah, I don’t know if this podcast when is coming out, Tim, so that it might be too late, doors might be closed. But guys, I’m putting together along with the other coaches, we’re going to do a private training free, right? Well, it’s not true. There’s a commitment, and you got to take action. We’re kicking you out of the group. Plain and simple, right? We’re doing this for free because we want serious guys, business owners who are married and want to learn how to seduce their wife and 60 seconds or less. I know it’s a bold claim, right? It sounded cool, and we put it together. But it works. We tested it. This has been something we’ve been talking about doing. We’re going to do it as a paid program. But we want to do it for a certain number of guys, right coming into the group. Once it’s closed, it’s closed, right? Because the continuity of the training, needs to go for it to work, we can’t just have guys slipping and slipping out, right? You got to be in, and you got to be dedicated, doesn’t take a lot of time, right, there’s going to be one to two trainings a week that’s it. But there’ll be work, right homework or home play, depending what you want to call it, whatever, there’ll be things that you need to do to get the result. Right, I can’t go to your house and do it for you, right?
I can’t go there and seduce your wife for you. Right, you got to learn how to do it yourself. So you can get these results over and over and over again and have amazing times have those bumps into the kitchen moments that you’re excited about. So that’s what we’re talking about. So if you’re interested in it, if you go over to The Powerful Man Facebook group, right, if you just go to The Powerful Man dot com, I think it’s at the bottom Rim of the website, I’m not a web guy. But at the bottom of the website, there’s a Facebook link that might be easier for some of you guys. If you’re on your phone, just go to Facebook, click on that, right? Go to the Facebook group, not the Facebook page. If some guys got confused on this last time, find the Facebook group and get in right. There is an application process that doesn’t let everybody in because it’s a very tight community of over 2000 business leaders. Right? Get in there, then make sure you find the post about this group. What we’re asking people is just putting the word seduce, right, simple, right. The reason we do it isn’t gimmicky. It’s so that we know who to let into the group. It’s as simple as that, you’ll get an invite, or someone will reach out to you to chat and say, Hey, I saw that you were interested. Here’s a link to the group. So you can get in because it’s going to be hidden, the group’s going to be hidden. It will be one of the secret groups on Facebook because it’s just going to be for this certain number of guys and our coaches to walk you through it. Right? There’s no risk to you other than you’re not taking action. That’s it. All right, so I invite you guys to do it. I keep saying this, like a broken record almost. But I pause it because we got so many guys who wanted to get in the last time we did something like this last year. Once it’s closed, it’s closed. So if you’re watching this on a replay, I apologize guys, maybe we’ll do another one. I’m not sure these take a lot of my time. I know they take a lot of the team’s time. We love doing it. We love the results. We love all the results you guys are getting at the same time. , I got a family, I got things I’m doing as well. So I’m happy to do it for guys that are committed to taking action. It’s going to be a short timeframe. So you want to make sure you get into that window.
Tim Matthews 18:41
Laughing It was so effective last time around, obviously at the end of it. Some guys choose to continue with us, right, but So? A good chunk of guys that ended law school turned things around in their marriage. So much so that just literally that that turned, it turned it around. It was incredible to see the journey of a lot of guys that did that. But it was always the guys that took action as well. Because I love that we do, eliminate the people who don’t take action because it’s just, it’s the right way for it to work. There’s no point wasting people’s time. But guys, I’d love to see you in the annual get if you apply yourself if you get there in time, right? Because there’s only a certain number of people, it can take. But if you get it and apply yourself, then what Doug was love to share with you. I’m excited to see how you use it and what happens for you guys, because yeah, you’re getting given something that has the potential to change things around.
Doug Holt 19:43
Yeah, it’s going to be fun. It’s always a great group of guys. Very open, that was one of the things. We do close the group that was one. The only complaint we got is a guy was like, oh, man, and I’ve seen so many great, such a great group right to come. Yeah. But we do it to keep the continuity guys of the training and keep them through. So it’ll be awesome. But gentlemen, as always, take some massive action, right? Whatever you decide to do. There should be something through if you find yourself with a roommate with a ring, and especially the bad roommate, do something about it. Right? Stop complaining about it and just do something about it. Get activated, become that benevolent alpha male, and take that action. I gentlemen, have an amazing, amazing rest of your day. We’ll see you next time at The Powerful Man Show.