Revisit: Owning Where You Are

Episode #307

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:00  

Suppose you’re delaying your happiness for some time in the future, even if it’s significant. Okay, Well, when I get to a million or 10 million or whatever, that’s when I will be happy or work less or whatever mechanics it is working less or pick the kids up from school or get your wife point being is without earning where you earn on the Do you miss the optics told you back from where you were going, I’ll see you miss the entire point of the actual process, which is to enjoy.

Doug Holt  0:28  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, bro?

Tim Matthews  0:41  

I was grabbed until about half an hour ago.

Doug Holt  0:46  

A half-hour ago? I already know the answer. But go ahead and tell everybody else why.

Tim Matthews  0:52  

And this gentleman listens to podcasts: Mr. Steve Patterson, shoutout to you, my friend.

Doug Holt  0:58  

Sounds like a very intelligent man.

Tim Matthews  1:00  

Yeah, just leaping to invest himself, which was nice. But anyway, the point being is, he kept referencing you on our call. “I listened to your podcast and Doug,” “and Doug,” “and Doug,” whenever he “and Doug” he was like, death by 1000 paper cuts.

Doug Holt  1:20  

Well, Steve, if you’re out there, we got Father’s Day weekend coming up right now. And then obviously, for most of you guys, you’re gonna hear this after Father’s Day, which could be an important topic. But Steve, I just got a smoking grill. So why don’t you come on over? We’ll do some brisket. Have a couple of beers and enjoy life, my friend.

Tim Matthews  1:41  

Yeah, he was talking a lot about the previous episode of the story that you tell. What was the title? Yeah, your star equals your identity. So yeah, it was great. So anyway, let’s rock and roll because you’ve got a nice topic here that I’m curious to dive into.

Doug Holt  2:01  

All I want to talk about is my grill in my smoker. So guys, what I want to talk about today is owning where you are. And Tim, I know you’re gonna have a lot of commentary on this one. But the theory is a lot of us go around wearing a mask. And we all know that. We’ve talked about that in the podcast quite a bit. But it’s the importance of owning where you are today. Right? We’re alpha males, we’re moving in a direction that we want to go into, and we want to focus on where we’re going. But you need to own where you are, own where you are in your health. Right? How is your health right? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you getting medical exams? Are you getting your blood tested? Are you working out, exercising, eating right, etc.? How about your relationships? Right? How your friends, your intimate relationships if you let those go by the wayside and then other areas self? Are you taking care of yourself? You know that Tim “The Powerful Man,” Matthews, just a week or so ago, goes and gives me a hard time for not treating myself. So for Father’s Day, I got a Traeger grill for those guys that know what that is. So I feel pleased about that. So what are you doing? 

Tim Matthews  3:14  

I’ve been ordering a cleaner and our house manager and a house. 

Doug Holt  3:22  

So I went off. I took your advice very seriously and took it as a license to do quite a bit. 

Tim Matthews  3:29  

Good for you. 

Doug Holt  3:30  

Yep, yep. Yep, it feels great. Man feels great. This is an aside. But yeah, that we have a babysitter coming over today. My wife and I, as soon as we’re done recording the podcast, ‘re heading out for a day date. But we’ll save that for another topic for another podcast episode too much to talk about. 

Tim Matthews  3:55  

Yeah, it’s awesome.

Doug Holt  3:55  

And so guys, back to where you are today, are you in these categories, the five territories? So getting that self, wealth, business, relationships, and health? Where are you in? And the importance of owning this to meet him is it’s giving you clarity, right? Whether using KPIs, OKRs, or whatever you’re using in your business, we have optics in business to monitor its progress. For some of you, probably just hit refresh on the bank account. I get that too. But where are you today in all five territories? And getting that massive clarity is almost like having a starting point in your journey. If I say right now, I’m in Bend, Oregon, in the states currently. But if I say I want to go to Jamaica, right, when I asked you how I got there? Well, you need to know well from Bend. It’s effortless for you to map it out planes, whatever it is. But if you don’t know where I’m staying, and I asked you how to get to Jamaica, you’ve got to know where it is, if I’m in the UK, if I’m in Cyprus, if I’m in Canada, if I’m in New York, wherever it is, the route that I’m going to take, it’s going to be very different. And that goes for us men too.

Tim Matthews  5:12  

Yeah, I mean, it’s huge. It’s so easy to get lost and transfixed on the destination. And the process. There are two problems without owning where you are. One is what you mentioned; they’ve got to know where you are to know where you’re going. I also think without earning where you are, and you missed a major gift. Right? Because you, you’re either living in the future or living in the past, so you never really actually present and without earning where you are, because you’re putting so much of your potential happiness, let’s say, on a future result projecting into the future. We all know that point never arrives. Because it’s the nature of the beast, it’s the nature of being an entrepreneur. You love to grow, love to evolve, always seeking out the next challenge. So the point is if you delay what we have spoken about living for somebody in the past. I suppose you’re delaying your happiness for some time in the future, even your significance, right, okay, well. In that case, when I get to a million or 10 million or whatever, that’s when I will be happy or work less, or whatever, and whatever mechanics it is working less or whatever, the only reason why you want to work less, or pick the kids up from school or date your wife, or whatever it is to get a feeling anyway, right? So the point is, without earning where you earn on the Do you miss the optics, which hold you back from where you are going? I’ll see you missed the entire point of the actual process, which is to enjoy now, here, and now today. Some guys get scared about that. Right? Well, if I enjoy the moment, then I could become too comfortable. I’ll lose my edge. Some guys might, but I know it’s not true for me. Are you guys working? It’s quite the opposite. The happier I become, the easier it is. And the more fruitful it always is not only with money, but love joy said, well, the five freedoms, we’ve talked about that. But yeah, that was my term for sure. I think it’s important to look at both perspectives.

Doug Holt  7:33  

Yeah, and when I think about owning where you are, the first thing that comes to mind, and anybody who’s listened to this podcast regularly, have heard me say it, and you are the person we lie to the most is ourselves. Right? And that’s why we have all these kinds of jokes about men as they get older. A man looks in the mirror and has a big old beer belly, and he sees, you know, the buff, 21-year old that he was, and there’s some reality to that. Men let ourselves go, and we just were not honest with ourselves. It looks pretty good. They look at their arms and their chest, and they don’t look below that. See the belly that’s there. It’s the same thing with our relationships. You don’t check in with your wife, spouse, kids, or even friends, and you pretend that everything’s great. I haven’t talked to Tim in months, but we’re still great buddies. I’m just working so hard, and I have the story that comes in the meanwhile; maybe Tim is baking, while I don’t talk to Doug. So we’re no longer friends. You don’t know. Right? There are stories that we create. And I think getting massive clarity and honesty around where you are today is critically important. And I think especially Tim in the area of your relationship, your intimate relationship the most so with your wife or your spouse, and as well as your kids, like, Where are you? Are you spending enough time with your children? Do they know who you are? As a father? We have Father’s Day in the United States coming up here in just a few days; for you listening to this Father’s Day just passed? If you’re listening to this as it’s released, how did that go? How does it go? How’d it go not only for you but how to go for the people closest to you. I mean, these are questions you guys want to sit down and journal, write them down. We say journal, but you can write them down anywhere. Just be honest. And so Tim, one exercise that I do and I invite the listeners to do as well. It’s, you know, it’s I call it the Oprah exercise. But it’s changed over time as she’s not quite the icon on public television anymore. What if I were to follow you around with a camera crew for one week? What if I was a journalist, an investigative journalist, and I would write about your life? What would be true about it? If I were to write about it in those five territories? What would be true about your relationships? True? Are you super connected with your wife, or do you have many friends you spend time with? Like, what are the truths to that? What about your health? What are the truths there? They might see you munching down bags of chips and Doritos and note-taking and fueling your body properly? Am I gonna see you not sleeping well, right? Am I gonna see you not working out? Maybe you haven’t worked out months, but your story is you’re still doing it? What is the truth that’s there? And this is not to beat yourself up, guys. That’s something I want to make clear. The goal here is not to punish yourself, make yourself wrong, beat yourself up. The point here is to get massive clarity. And for some of you guys, it’s going to be your body’s gonna be on point. Right? That’s awesome. Write that down. Write that down, and you got to know where you are today. And I think Tim, with that, can get a starting point of where to jump off to next.

Tim Matthews  11:02  

I think it’s essential as well, to like other levels. I was speaking to a guy in The Brotherhood today who struggled with depression in the past. So I’ve been doing some one-on-one coaching with him. And he said something, what did he say? He said something along the lines of the painted a scenario in his business with a customer. And he tolerated something. And he said, “well, then I started to feel depressed; why do I feel like this? I shouldn’t feel like this. That’s bad.” I was like, “Whoa, just hold on a minute, what makes it bad?” and he’s like, “Well, I shouldn’t feel this way.” Let’s go into comparing either some ideas he had in his head of who he should be, or what it means to be a man or whatever. Anyway, the point is that there’s so much power in dropping the level of something being good or bad and just seeing it for what it is. And it’s feedback, right for him. He was talking about emotional stairs, and it was the fact that emotions are not good or bad. They are just the emotion that energy in motion can guide us and fuel us. And, you know, there’s no need to label them as being good or bad. And it’s the same thing with getting real with where you are, I think once you get real with where you are, and you’re able to drop the judgment on of it, because that’s what keeps people living alive, for the most part, the judgment of their reality and what that means to them as a good or bad thing. And then not wanting to feel like a failure and the whole story of being embodied being wrong, and then it feels it, and it just gets into this whole cycle and feels even more of whatever they’re trying to avoid for the most part. My advice in getting upticks and where you are, so you can use that to leverage where you’re going, would be to be mindful of any judgment, comparison, or levels for the best or bad that will prevent you from owning where you are. Because if you label something as good or bad or wrong, you’re gonna want to keep it away from you, it’s difficult to accept an audit and take the lessons. While it’s something that you want to resist, right? What you resist persists. So be mindful of that.

Doug Holt  13:20  

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other business people, just like you, are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show. 

Yeah, I think it’s essential to be right and mindful of where you want to go, but also, you know, mindful of where you are. So I did this exercise for myself. Not too long ago. And this is kind of out of the group conversation we had. I looked in relationships, and my wife and I have an amazing relationship, yet we got an infant, four months old, and we got a three-year-old son, and we weren’t going out. Right, so we got a babysitter. We got three babysitters, right? Just in case we have mom rotation, if one can’t be there, want to come at night, want to come during the day.

Tim Matthews  14:33  

It’s gonna be an assistant. It’s just gonna be an assistant in a call when it “Turns out we don’t need to but can you go get the food shopping?” 

Doug Holt  14:48  

Well, thanks to COVID, we have ordered our food online, and it comes delivered. So it’s we got that handled right. I freed up that area. When I looked at I was like, okay, This isn’t how I want it to be. We’ve gotten lost since the baby, which is pretty typical. But I realized where I was, and it wasn’t, you know, I’ve got honest and raw with where I was, my relationship, my wife. And it wasn’t to the level that I wanted it to be until it wasn’t to my standard, no story, no judgment. So we took action that looked at my health. And as you know, Tim, a couple of Gosh, was there three weeks ago; I took ten days and went to Sedona, Arizona; I did some training on my brain. But before that, I ran almost every morning, lifting heavy weights, doing a five-by-five program, feeling great. I haven’t gotten back into that since I’ve been back. And so I was like, alright, something needs to change, I got real and raw with where I am today, right? Not optimally in my health, for me anyway, right starting to gain some weight starting to eat wrong. So I went on to a website we have here called Craigslist. I don’t know if you have that in the UK. Like an online marketplace, every city, pretty much in the States, has a directory, and you can post jobs, look at jobs, sell things, etc. And so what I did is I said, Look, I want someone to show up at my house at 5:30 in the morning, not a minute late because you know me and punctuality. And I want you to show up, and I’m going to write my workout program. You need to make sure I do it. If I do it five days a week, I’m going to pay you 100 bucks. That’s it simple. I just said I’m a father, and it’s important to me that I have the health and stamina to live a long life to support my family and my kids. And I have the workouts. I know what to do, and I don’t need you to spot me. I need you to show up at my door at 5:30 in the morning, I got a squat rack in my garage, and I can get to it. And you can check it off and things like that. So I’ve gotten about ten people willing to do that, right. 

Tim Matthews  16:49  

How cool is that?

Doug Holt  16:52  

I got that checked off the list. I don’t need a personal trainer, and I just did it for 30 days. I want that for 30 days, get me back into my routine. And then either I can choose to continue or not go through there. And so I started going through all the areas, business and everything else, and where I wanted to be. But it started with getting raw with where I was, right? And not from again, not from a place of judgment at all. You want to be able to love yourself, guys. If you don’t love yourself, you’re with yourself all the time, and it’s time to make some radical changes. And you and I, Tim, we’re looking to grow personally. Together, but personally, in general, by hiring coaches, you and I are always constantly hiring the best coaches we can find to continue our journey. And that starts with knowing where you are, guys. And so in your relationships, are you dating your wife? Right? Are you doing those things necessary? Is it starting to crumble? If it is, take massive action right away? Don’t judge yourself. Just go, okay. It’s not where I want it to be? What can I do right now in this moment of clarity to take action? You got to have the clarity to do that. You clarified where you are today to map out the route to map out the next steps.

Tim Matthews  18:14  

I’d say shame is the biggest number one obstacle to this for guys. For sure.

Doug Holt  18:22  

No doubt, guilt, and shame. 

Tim Matthews  18:24  

100%. I think guys that have come to us in marriage are completely on the rocks. And for the most part, for it to get to that point. Some of the guys, not all, but most quite honestly have been ignoring it. They’ve denied where they are. And they’ve denied where they are because of a couple of reasons. One, definitely they feel ashamed because they go into the office and they’re one of the alphas in the office or the man in the office, people listen to them, people admire them, people respect them. And they walk through the door, and it’s the opposite, and they don’t know what to do. And then it’s this jewel life that they then start to live and feel like an imposter in it. Yeah, it builds a chair, quite frankly. Which then pushes it further away. It’s easier for them to deny reality and hope that things will change rather than face reality and do something about it. And I get it right, you know, it’s easy to fall into that trap. I mean, the third agony is a five agonist issue, right. So I do get it. I don’t blame any guy for building that cycle. Although if you’re in that cycle, listen to this right now, then. Now, if you choose not to get out of it, then yes, totally on you. Yeah, again, to reiterate, I think if you’re able to take that guard down and tell it to tell a different story. Just remove the judgment, like you were saying. It’ll be huge, huge I’ll put up a dollar.

Doug Holt  20:02  

Well, yeah, and I’m going to tell you guys what the danger is of doing this exercise here in a second. But first, I want to walk you through what I want you to do, rather than a request that you do or challenge you to do whatever you want to call it. Step one is to set aside some time right now in your calendar, where you can spend 30 minutes to an hour, get a cup of tea, coffee, whatever you want to do. And I encourage you to write it down on paper, it’s the easiest way to do this, or you can type it up if you need to, but the paper is just a kinesthetic appeal to writing it down. And again, I’ll tell you a little bit about why this is dangerous. And then what I want you to do is get clear in the five territories, right? So that’s self, health, wealth, relationships, and business. Where are you in your life right now? snapshot time, right? I would look; take a snapshot of where you are at this exact moment? Maybe you’re hungover today. But you’re not normally hungover? Well, that’s where you are now in this snapshot moment. So I want you to record that; I want you to write that down. Because that’s your reality at this moment. You know, so whatever it may be, and go through it. And as Tim said, it’s not a place to go from shame. This is a place that we want you guys to go just from reality, and you almost want to remove yourself as a third person. And so one of the things I would recommend, don’t say “I” like I am hungover right or whatever. Would I say “Doug is hanging over,” right? Or “Doug has gained five pounds.” And “Doug is not working” and “Doug’s not running in the morning,” right? So take that third-person perspective. It’s called elitism, right, the third-person perspective, and look at this as you write it down. Now, once you write it down, the next step, right, look at it, look over that list without judgment, again, from a third-person state. And what’s the first thing you can do, the smallest thing you can do to take action in each area? Right? Once you’ve listed those small things, is there something you can do to take massive action to make a change? Right, massive action for you. For some of you, maybe it’s getting a babysitter. For some of you, it’s joining us at The Alpha Reset and going through the program, right? for others of you, and it’s doing something different. Everybody’s going to be its individual. But the key here is taking massive action. Now here’s why this exercise is dangerous. This exercise is dangerous, because now when you have clarity and optics, you know the truth. And once you know the truth, it’s hard to go back. And that’s why most, I’m going to guess Tim, 80% of the people listening to this right now are going to think about doing it but won’t do it. Because of fear and ego, the ego is going to say, “oh, I don’t want to look at that part of my life, let’s just go on to the next show, the next podcast,” or “let’s do something else.” But 20%, two out of 10 guys are going to step forward and go, “Screw it, I’m gonna do this,” they’re either gonna get mad at me for calling them out or, or something else, but then they’re gonna perform the exercise and get massive optics on their life. Right, and they are the ones those guys the two out of 10. The 20% are the guys that are gonna make the change. Those are the guys who are gonna make radical shifts in their life. Those are the guys that are gonna succeed. And the rest will go on to the next podcast. And they’ll forget about this. And they’ll come back to it a year later, and it’ll be the same place or worse. So guys, I highly recommend taking action in the moment of insight. You always want to take action. This is your chance. Look danger in the eye, so to speak. And do this. So after this recording, grab a piece of paper and get real with yourself. Get real with the one person you will be with no matter what the rest of your time on this earth. There’s nobody else that’s guaranteed your wife, your kids, your friends, and you’re going to be with yourself. So you might as well get to know the person you are. And that starts with getting optics started with going in there. And guys, if you find that one of the areas that you need to make some shifts in your relationships, relationships with your spouse, I encourage you to go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus. We have the Reignite Cheat Sheet that’s up there right now. And that’s all about reigniting your relationship, all about step-by-step processes you can use today. That will be up there as of the week that we’re recording this, right. We change it out periodically, so I’d recommend getting it as soon as possible because we change these out right away.

Tim Matthews  24:45  

And guys, one thing is coming to be a bonus point, or even if you’re struggling to get real with yourself. You can ask people around you, people close to you, who you see, maybe your wife depending on what your marriage is like right now, maybe ask her “What’s it like to be in a relationship with me?” different way to phrase it? “How do you see me? How do you receive me?” Whether it’s friends or work colleagues, it reminds me…at the end of last year in 2019, I reviewed my year plan for 2020. And to plan 2020, I wanted to get real optics on where I was. It was alright, coming from me, which could be a little bit biased. It’s another thing coming from other people right in my life. I asked you, Doug; I asked Amelia, my mom, my dad, some of the friends, and their associates because I wanted to get a real holistic picture of how I showed up in other people’s lives. I didn’t agree with some of it, and I felt there was a little bit because you’re going to get big. The caveat to this is it’s going to be through their filter as well, right. And at the same time, you’ll know what’s true, and it’ll just feel true. And you’ll know what he’s just way off, and you’ll disagree with it. But yeah, if you’re feeling courageous, then ask those people around you. And in doing so, they may want to protect your feelings, and they want to tell you the nice things. So my advice to you would phrase it, so I look for this to benefit me the most. And for me to get the most out of this? Would I love for you to be honest with me? There’s no need to sugarcoat anything that’s not going to help me. I want you to be real with me so I can, so I can be the best I can be, and then hold on because you might receive some things that you definitely didn’t expect or even see. So it was a great exercise. I always love it.

Doug Holt  26:53  

Absolutely. So enjoy, guys. Well, gentlemen, this is your time; take action, be the 20% take action, do it, and do the exercise. We’d love to see it. Alright, guys, that’s it for us this episode of The Powerful Man show. We’ll see you next time.