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How To Get The Spark Back In The Bedroom

Episode #306

Has your marriage gone cold?

Are you missing those steamy sex nights? Has it been a few days, weeks…or even months?

How can you reignite that spark?

The most effective way to bring back that spark is simple: COMMUNICATION. Are you still having deep conversations with your wife? Or are you letting your business or your job consume all your energy? Prioritize that regular connection time.

Spice things up. Create a sense of mystery. Cultivate an environment, an atmosphere, for sex.

Make an effort. Seek out opportunities to compliment her, and always remember that first moment you and your wife made love.

In this episode, listen to Tim and Doug and learn what they have to say about how you can reignite your relationship in the bedroom. Don’t let your relationship continue to be cold. Find courage and win back your wife.


Hungry for more?

Head over to our https://www.thepowerfulman.com/the-alpha-reset/ page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man. 

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:00 

Instead of the spark, you’ve got to bring the spark back in yourself first. You got to be working out, and you got to be doing your alpha rise and shine regardless of what works for you. Even if it’s as simple as giving yourself some space in the morning to go for a walk, journal for one page, whatever comes to mind, you should be surprised where it takes you to start to work out, be consistent with this. that is going to model likely create some curiosity from your wife.

Doug Holt  0:28  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother? 

Tim Matthews  0:44  

You know what, I ordered a sauna today. I didn’t tell you about it?

Doug Holt  0:48  

No! What kind of sauna did you order?

Tim Matthews  0:49  

Just a little two-person infrared cabin heater. I had another choice. I could have got one that I wanted but delivered at least four months, maybe five. And the only difference is finished like a large glass panel on the front and a big glass door. Yep, there are some tiles on the inside that could get the different models. It’ll be here in like three weeks, and I looked here. I’m like the same spec. Everything’s the same, and just the other one looks nicer. I want a sauna. Just get me in this. I don’t want to wait till summer to get the sauna, you know. So it should be here. I’m in the third week of February. Get that hooked up to the cold plunge, and the gym will be here by then; we’re just going to turn that room where the sauna will be out of the bench and a few dumbbell sets and some abs rolls and things like that. So we could do some workouts there and go to the gym and do a diff.

Doug Holt  1:50  

You’re on a shopping spree, man!

Tim Matthews  1:53  

I’ve waited for two or three years to get into a place that we’re really gonna call home and make our own. We’re in it, so we’re doing it. I refuse to sell on anything. It’s not going to do it. I’m getting exactly what I want to the spec that lawn, obviously, it’s the sauna I am compromising, and you get the gist. But the point is I want to be in an environment that I love. This mirrors back to me, abundance and joy. I choose. Yeah, I’m, it’s powerful. When you’re in that kind of environment. You know what it’s like; for the past few years, neither you and I have been in a really inspiring environment because we’ve both been living between different places and all that fun stuff. So yeah, it just feels great. It feels very, and it’s the place I want to be in, come back here after a walk. It’s amazing. I’ve not left the house for like three days. Cuz I don’t want to, I need to, because of everything we’ve got around, and it’s great. Whereas before, if we didn’t leave the house for three days or got cabin fever, we just used to drive to the shop or whatever. It’s like we don’t have many friends offline because we die. So there’s no reason for me to go out and meet friends.

Doug Holt  3:30  

The cool thing about The Brotherhood, I’ve had a call with a guy this morning with a guy in the UK and The Brotherhood. I got a call right after this for the guy in The Brotherhood. And I got a call later this afternoon with a guy, and it’s like you get to talk to your friends regularly. Amazing guys, hearts of gold, brilliant businessmen, just salt of the earth guys, and you get to do it regularly. Because of COVID and in general, you know, that’s a rare opportunity for a lot of people, which is really nice.

Tim Matthews  4:03  

Yeah, I’m just so grateful for what we do. It’s incredible. It really is so blessed. Just before we jumped on, I was on a call with The Activation Method group; they were wrapping up. One of the guys in there. I think his wife has given him like three cards. I think you’ve probably seen some of the posts but gone from his marriage literally been in turmoil to win it. His wife is going out and buying cards and saying how much she loves him and appreciates him, and there’s a guy out there buying a card or picking it and writing it, and surprising, the thought that goes into that the effort is huge. So yeah, it was great to be on that call with those guys. The wrap-up call was really, again, just heartwarming to see the progress because it’s exciting. It’s just the beginning for a lot of those guys.

Doug Holt  5:02  

It is, well, and that’s what I talked about in the previous podcast. We talked about alpha versus beta traits, guys. If you haven’t listened to that, I recommend that before this one coming through. Still, we’re going to talk about, for this gentleman you’re talking about, I have seen the pictures in the community that he has shared going from essentially a sexless marriage to a jaw-dropping one in the bedroom, so to speak. It’s possible, and it’s what we’re gonna talk about today. How do you get the spark back in the bedroom? Ironically, the guy I have a call with after this went from no sex for. How long was it about? I don’t know if you know who I’m talking about. It was no sex for months to his wife, essentially attacking him and having sex five times in a night, and we’ve talked about him before here because we joke about it a lot. He’s a great guy, a great sense of humor coming through, but how do you get that right? so let’s imagine that you’re in a sexless relationship and sexless marriage. Sexless marriage, I can’t remember the exact clinical definition. I think it’s something like once a month or twice a month or something crazy like that. Right? So for some guys, it’s once a year, maybe coming through there just the time slips. It’s like, “Oh, it’s already January 2021?” We had sex in November of last year. Right. How do you go from that to, you know, headboard banging, jaw-dropping sex in the bedroom? How do you reignite that spark?

Tim Matthews  6:37  

Yeah, I mean, honestly, the tools in The Activation Method, because that’s what happens with those things. Because Live Like A King system, for example, boundaries, is time to reinvest into yourself. A lot of the guys, when the spark has gone in the bedroom, often the spark has gone within them, right? Often then results in a lack of spark within life and in their relationship. So they come home on an evening, and instead of connecting with the wife, the wife spends the evening sat on the sofa, the guys at another end, she’s on a mobile phone, he’s drinking a beer, watching Netflix, maybe go to bed at the same time, maybe not go to sleep, separate, come back, there’s no touching. There’s no conversation. There’s nothing there, and part of that is because the guy doesn’t have the energy. It just doesn’t have the headspace, and we talk about the analogy of the big mud on the grass, right when these guys get together in the early days. And a guy’s full of energies full of curiosities, got that charisma, right? He’s got swag. He’s working out, and he’s dressing. Well, he showered and looked after himself. He wants to impress her. Right? 

And for her, there’s a mystery. Oh, who is this guy? “Oh, where was this thing gonna lead?” So anyway, the Live Like A King system does just that this isn’t a plug about I just the easiest way for me to organize these in my head. Because, as you guys know, we jump on and hit the recording server, no prep for this. So yeah, definitely, in terms of the spark, you’ve got to bring the spark back in yourself first. Work out, and you’ve got to be working out. You’ve got to be doing your alpha Rise and shine, regardless of what it looks like for you. Even if it’s as simple as giving yourself some space in the morning to go for a walk, journal for one page, do one page of a file, whatever comes out, whatever comes to your mind, journal it. Don’t think about doing it right or wrong. Just journal; you’d be surprised where it takes you and work outright. Start to work out and be consistent with this. That is going to create some curiosity from your wife, more than likely. “Oh, his routines changed'” “He’s not drinking on the night anymore,” “He’s getting up early,” “Hmm. He’s getting his confidence back. Okay, okay.” So it’s gonna help and then obviously gonna bring back the connection between you and her, right? So it motives technique empty and her basket, being able to validate her when you talk instead of walking in through the door. And taking that problem-solving lens that serves your soul well in business and looking at your wife through it and trying to solve all of our problems. Instead, you listen, you validate what else? Wow. Imagine that must have been tough. And I say that ethically, but yeah, that’s gonna invite her further into her feminine and an empty basket. Listen to the last episode and have an opinion. 

Guys start to take the lead on, “Hey, I’m gonna cook this for dinner tonight. I know that you said that you wanted to try this food. So hey, I got this recipe. I ordered the ingredients, and I’m going to cook it for us.” God, you can’t cook. That’s gonna be awful. Yeah, it might be, but we’ll see, won’t we? Have playfulness with it. Don’t say, oh god, you always say my cooking is awful, have playfulness, have that confidence, right, that’s gonna make her feel seen, it’s gonna make her feel heard, it’s gonna make her feel safe, that she can relax into you clean slate method, you could use that you could bring the spark back without that it’s just a real added piece the guys use to really hedge the bets that the spark is guaranteed to come back. But assuming you’re doing all this right, one of the final pieces, in my opinion, is more advanced, if you will, boundaries. As a human, you’ve got the connection. Assuming that you connected with the conversations you have and taking care of yourself, you’ve got confidence. Now part of it at that point might be having a conversation “Hey, look, and you know what’s going on?” “I love you’, “I want to be more intimate with you. How can we make that happen? What’s going on? For you? Why is it not happening?” Whatever you want to say that there are ways you can go about that conversation. And that’s where you then get to agree, right? understand what’s going on, come to an agreement of what you both go into doing regarding the bedroom, whatever that is, then you get to uphold your side of the bargain. “Okay, we said we’re going to be doing date night, once a week. Cool!” to be certain, we said we’re going to do whatever it is. And if that doesn’t happen, you then get to maintain the boundary. Hey, we said that sex was important to us. We said that it’s not happening. Now wife, honest, and for some guys, it doesn’t continue to happen, then maybe more of a firmware you hold the boundary. Not saying you finish your relationship or anything, but it can definitely do in firmware for me. 

Usually, it’s a spark that starts to go. All the need to do is have the conversation of “Hey, know what’s going on. Now we’ve sex seem like it’s been a priority for us lately. You know, why not? I love to have more of it with you obviously, know what’s going on?” Just have it agree, but have sex, have the conversation, come to an agreement. The thing that helps Amelia is every week, and we do a weekly check-in on the relationship because I have to send it off. But man, I’m just checking the gold; they are golden. The number of times I’ve just waited for that check into a container, right? There’s the scene set. So you know, it’s a safe space to share. You’re not trying to create that moment, just on a Monday night, you know, you’ve got for us Wednesday morning, 10:30 we’ll do the check. At which point, if you’ve had a conversation about bringing the spark back, it’s not there; we get to check in with that. If it’s still not happening, I have a choice to make. But there’s another side to this as well. The spontaneity side, the smaller logical side, the spontaneity side. So, Doug, let’s bring you in on this.

Doug Holt  13:34  

I did. That was awesome. And it also highlights the difference between you and me, right. Yeah. I would never have a 10:30 on this morning just to check-in. I’d be like…

Tim Matthews  13:51  

No, you will love it. It’s golden.

Doug Holt  13:51  

I check in all the time. But the difference between you and I and some guys might relate to this. To me, that doesn’t sound very good. Like, at this time, I’m doing this, we’re having this conversation that’s you’re great at that. And that’s one of your gifts. It’s awesome that it works for you and Amelia. But again, I’m with you, live like a king. Amazing. Try to connect; amazing. And all of these things for me were the differences. You and I will differ in bringing the spark back in the bedroom because I won’t sit down with Erin and come up with a negotiation or what I call a negotiation or agreement. For me, it’s acting as if it’s taking on that persona. So for me, what I do is Live Like A King system, absolutely, try to connect, absolutely. The things that we teach, but I’m also going to be a little more aggressively playful, right? I’m going to walk around with a slap around the butt. And, and then she is going to say something to me like “Aw! What do you do?” And I laugh and giggle and walk away. And I become the life of the party within our relationship. Right? 

So when I’m becoming the life of the party, the analogy I use is to imagine that you’re hosting a party. You turn on a different persona most of us do. We naturally click over and turn on a persona. Do you believe in the possibility that we’re all actors? Right? We’re all actors, and you act differently with your partner than you do your parents or your best friend or what have you. That’s natural, right doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic. But you can also turn it on when you want to engage the spark. The sparks have been gone for a while. And so, if the spark has been gone, for some reason, for a while, I will do all the things that we teach in The Activation Method. That’s the first place I’ll go. But then I’ll also turn on the aggressive. I wouldn’t say aggressive, but the alpha playfulness, a lot more, right, I’ll slap around the butt. And I’ll walk by, and she’ll say something, I’ll laugh and giggle. I might walk up to her, grab her when she’s serious, and start dancing. And then if she, you know, watches my wife, will she freak out? Or what are you doing this for? 

Why being so silly? Why being the, I laugh and giggle and keep going? Right? I make sure nothing fazes me. And I know that works for our relationship. Because it turns her on, she wants to know what’s going on. I’ve taken control. But it also creates that “what else is going on here?” Now we’ve created a little mystery. Because she knows that if I’m doing this outside of the house with anybody else, that’s going to be attractive, right? Taking care of yourself, or what have you. Also, the spontaneity thing is big, right. And maybe it’s bigger for me than it is for my wife. But I need to have that spontaneity and create that. I am so creating the environment for sex, creating the environment for connection. And that for me, that doesn’t mean setting my phone alarm for a certain time and doing things but creating an environment where sexy time can happen. Right where she feels sexy, too, making sure to compliment her. 

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing? Like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I totally get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other business people, just like you, are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. We want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show. 

So I do have an alarm that goes off. It tells me to make sure I get compliments.

Tim Matthews  17:43  

I really love it. I’ve just realized something. Isn’t this coming from the guy that automated the saying, “Oh, I don’t learn the systems”?

Doug Holt  17:57  

I didn’t say the systems. I just have a 10:30 meeting with my wife.

Tim Matthews  18:03  

What did you want from me, what did you want from me that time?

Doug Holt  18:07  

So I got an app. I remember this is where my wife and I were dating. So I got an app called, and it was called the bro app. This app was genius, by the way. So it had like 50 randomized things as I miss you, I’m thinking about you, etc. And you could set your Wi-Fi connection. So if my Wi-Fi picked up at home, it wouldn’t send it, or if it picked up at her Wi-Fi, it would send it. So at work, it would go out and send at certain times. Now the makers of this app are still existing to go back and do better at randomizing it. She picked up on it because she got a text as she knows me every Monday at noon. The only thing I’m consistent with is being inconsistent. I like randomization, and I like the 1030 meeting would not work for me.

Tim Matthews  19:00  

It sets up a container which makes it easier for spontaneity. It’s kind of like going bowling. You have the buffers that come up, so you never go too far off.

Doug Holt  19:11  

I don’t need spotters when I bowl.

Tim Matthews  19:14  

Yeah. Yeah, it just gives that container right. And I don’t know, maybe, who knows, maybe in the future, it won’t be there. I don’t really know. But for me,

Doug Holt  19:29  

I am not judging you.

Tim Matthews  19:31  

I know, I think there’s just for the listeners really more than anything. I think there’s it doesn’t have to be either, or there’s the middle ground, and you got to try and see what works for you. But for me, what gives me the headspace to know that certain things are gonna happen at a certain time, and then I can be more. I wouldn’t say I am as spontaneous as you probably are. Definitely don’t just take a minute and dance with it. Definitely playful with her; give her a little smack here and there on the ass. Not on the face, and that helps for sure. Then we keep saying things for the bedroom smacks and places. I think the playfulness is huge. The piece is the swag. This is the current cockiness for me when I want to bring the cockiness out, and it definitely is, like you say, a persona. Because if you’re having a stressful day in business, let’s say sometimes the last thing you want to do is bring outside, because for me, at least it’s a conscious thing to bring out, to begin with. But I’ll tell you what’s been working really well to trigger that. In this place, you said this about setting the scene. Finish your work. When I walk into the living room, instead of Amelia watching TV, we’ll turn the TV off, turn the music on, I’ll be cooking, she’ll come and sit by me, we’ll have a drink and those little things. Whereas before, we didn’t really do that a great deal, by default, obviously setting space changes the energy to connect. Which, for me, then brings out the mother swag, the cockiness, the charisma, whatever, because that was what was really familiar anyway, that’s what she wanted.

Doug Holt  21:27  

So yeah, I think the point that we’re trying to get here is it’s different strokes for different folks, so to speak. But it’s also 80% of it’s the same, right, alpha Rise and shines Live Like A King system. And going through the different systems, The Activation Method, and then how we approach it. But getting the spark back in the bedroom starts way outside the bedroom. Tim, you’re working with the intimacy coach. You said in a podcast that if you want to have sex on Friday, it starts on Monday for Amelia, right? The needs the outside the bedroom stuff needs to start. For a lot of women, it’s like that. I also think what gets to happen, guys are, and I know what works for me is kind of the attitude, right? And I would never cheat on my wife, the attitude of “Cool! if you don’t want to take her to leave it,” right, I kind of take it or leave it a cocky funny thing with it. And I don’t need it. Hey, I’ll flirt with her. I’ll set the mood. And if she doesn’t want it, I’m like, cool. I walk away like no big deal, which makes her want it more. So the analogy I’ll use is a cat. Right? If you don’t like cats and go to someone’s house and have a cat, the cat comes to you. It knows you don’t like it, and it’s coming to you. If you ignore a cat, a cat comes to you, you play with it a little bit, ignore it. Now, if you follow a cat, you try to play with it, you try to catch it, the cat’s gone. That wants nothing to do with you and your wife’s the same way if you’re begging for sex is the biggest turnoff. 

If you’re asking for it to turn off, you take the lead with it. Right? You’d be flirting, and there’s gonna be some times when she’s not gonna be interested as much, right? And that’s okay. But you take the lead with it, and you’re joking. And then you take the approach of taking it or leave it. But if you’re doing the other things, the Alpha Rise and Shine, the Live Like A King system, try to connect, and she’s going to want it. Because she knows your stocks are going up. And I always say that, but the truth is, she realizes that if you’re like this with her, that’s fun. That’s cool. That’s what you want to be with. Other women are taking notice too, or they’re going to take notice, and that’s in the back of her mind. And that tension creates sexual tension creates chemistry. Right? And that gets her to want to rip your clothes off. You know, like the other guy. I’m not gonna mention his name, but five times in one night. Like that’s how it starts. Guys, reigniting that spark in the bedroom starts way outside the bedroom starts with all the things that Tim was saying. I think connection time is huge. Tim, I agree with you, 100%. And make sure you have that connection that’s in there. It’s big, huge. I don’t do it at a set time where we have a meeting. But we’re in different stages. And we’re different. That’s a beautiful thing. It doesn’t have to be formulaic to a point. But guys, you get to put your cooking. You get to put your own seasoning in the recipe and make it the way you want to do it. Right. It works for you and Amelia, for Erin and I work totally different, right different seasoning. But most of the recipes are the same. So what we want to do is we want to start creating that spike creates an air of mystery. This is really gonna throw her off. Because if you’ve been with your wife for a while, she knows what you’re gonna do before you do it. She does, you know what she’s gonna do too. But she knows even better because she’s sitting there watching you. 

She knows what you’re gonna do, how you’re gonna do it, where you’re gonna get out, what time you’re gonna get up, how you’re gonna dress, what time you’re gonna take a shit. She knows all of that stuff. So switch it up. Right? If you’re in a program like The Activation Method, what happens often is the women within a couple of weeks, they’re like, Whoa, what’s going on here, because the guys switch it up big time we have the things that we have them do. And they start really realizing that things are changing, right? When things are changing, people want to either A) get on the boat as quickly as possible because I want part of that, the sexual chemistry, or they push back, right, they don’t want you to change. Now, if you’re doing what we’re talking about here, and you’re funny, you’re cocky, right? She’s gonna push back. But if you play with it, and it becomes a dance, and now you’re in a dance, that’s to your advantage. So either way, you win. And that’s how you get the spark back in the bedroom. Right, you start doing things; differently, spice it up, doesn’t mean you have to get the Kama Sutra out, which is a great book or 100 nights of great sex, another good book, there are all kinds of ones out there that different positions, different things you do add food in there, all kinds of cool stuff. But you got to get to this position first. Yeah, right, you already have to have had great sex to start pulling out the swing, or whatever else you want to use within your bedroom, right? That comes after this. Not before, all of a sudden, hey, we haven’t had sex. So I’m gonna go out and buy a sex wing, install it in my bedroom and surprise my wife and she’s gonna be so turned on, it’s gonna be a no, you’re gonna have the opposite effect. Right? You’re going backward with that scenario. So it starts outside and starts doing that thing as cocky type funny things and have been the life of the party within your own relationship. Right, leaving work at home, where work back at the office, it’s at home for many people because COVID but leaving it at the office, and really having energy.

Tim Matthews  26:51  

Passions are a big one, too, having something that many guys want to lose that spark in themselves and the relationship. They don’t know what they enjoy doing. Right. And regaining that as well, which kind of goes to the curiosity piece. But you know, I think the easiest example for me is a mountain leader.  Amelia, see me going and doing that. So you know, that’s a passion; it’s a challenge. Now I’m exhausted, come back exhausted but fought, and it turns her on; she likes it right is where the admiration can start to come back in as well. So satisfying some passions again, guys, and bringing that energy and fire back in with you, he’ll, by default, bring confidence with you because you know, you’re gonna gain so much from it.

Doug Holt  27:46  

Yeah, and do something different right out. As you said, Tim, do something outside the bedroom, go mountain biking, go snowboarding, go skiing, do something to fill your cup first and do something outside the house. So she knows that when she comes back from the grocery store. You’re not just sitting out on the couch, or she knows when she goes out with her girlfriends. You’re not just sitting at home by yourself. That’s a different atmosphere. If you’re like, Hey, I’m hanging out with the guys going to The Alpha Reset or whatever else you may be doing. Right? It’s different when she doesn’t know what to expect. Right? It keeps the mystery there.

Tim Matthews  28:22  

Yeah. And you’re not sitting around waiting for her. 

Doug Holt  28:24  


Tim Matthews  28:25  

Right. It’s like, Oh, you know, he’s got a life. He’s got passions, and he’s got the; it’s not just about business. Because if she thinks businesses that you come in the home every day from business stressed out, exhausted, and annoyed…that isn’t going to be something that she’s going to want you to be doing. Or if you go mountain biking, or whatever it is, you’re coming back confident and excited and fall to do that more. It’s amazing what happens when the guys start investing in themselves a lot more. That spark comes back. It carries over.

Doug Holt  29:01  

Absolutely. So what’s two things the guys can do today to bring the spark back in and your eyes, Tim

Tim Matthews  29:09  

Get a weekly meeting set—two things you could do. I think the passionate one is easy. Although maybe you struggle for some guys to understand or figure out what you want to do. So if you can figure that out, when you do that and bring that form of a spark, great, do that. If that’s a struggle, then I go into the Facebook group going, requests to get the Hidden Motives Technique, Franco will give you that. I think that’s an easy one. I listen to the podcast episode on how to meet your wife’s needs emotionally without telling you what they are. That’s an easy thing you can do right now. And then start to notice when you’re being needy versus being cocky, playful. If you feel a need to if you feel the urge to be needy or you realize you’ve been needing, You’re asking for sex, and you’re waiting around, and you know you’re signed to follow around and wonder what’s going to happen next, catch yourself. And don’t do that. And instead, switch to that, like you said, Doug, the idea of having a persona, what could that other persona be? You know, maybe you think back to when you guys were first dating? How do you show up? Now? How did you dress? How did you look? How do you carry yourself? What are you? What are you doing? How can you recreate that to a degree to have a different effect? Now that you’re back then, obviously, be honest, start there and play with that. Maybe not be the same guy, but capture that energy? How can you capture that spark that you had initially and then inject that into what you’re doing now?

Doug Holt  30:45  

I love it, Gentlemen; it’s up for you to take action. Tim just set up on the plate myself set up on the plate for you. You guys got to do the reps at the end of the day. So guys, if you’ve been with us for a while, and you haven’t already, I really request that you go ahead and leave us a rating on wherever you’re finding this show. It helps other guys like you find a show like this. And if this is your first time with us, go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus. Grab that Reignite Cheatsheet. The most important thing is to take action, guys. Take action one life to live this is your shot, you know and prove that sexless marriage and let us know how it goes. I don’t need video. Just let us know how it goes, guys. I want you guys to have the best. So as Tim says, the rest of the crew. This is a movement of men. Men just like you guys, that’s a wrap for us. We’ll see you next time.