Do you find yourself constantly grinding and aiming towards the next goal on your list?
In this episode, Tim asks; How can you achieve more whilst being happy with what you have already got?
As successful men, we tend to constantly try to achieve more, once we achieve something we move on to the next thing, but this can become a never-ending treadmill which leads to unfulfillment and burn out.
It has been proven that constantly practicing gratitude can improve your happiness and your success. Throughout this episode which focuses on gratitude, Tim & Doug share advice and real life actionable examples of how you can celebrate the journey that you’re on leading to more efficiency, happiness and success.
What you will discover in this episode:
- How to BE grateful and not DO grateful.
- The biggest reasons why you struggle to appreciate where you are at.
- An introduction to masculine and feminine energy.
- Why men get burnt out with work.
- Removing the belief that success only comes from hard work and grinding.
- The starting point to making money easily and with flow.
- Tim’s morning routine and how it leads to efficiency and productivity.
- Understanding your default mode.
Also listen on:
Tim Matthews 0:00
Until the day that you stopped growing, you’re always going to be achieving something. Always, always always. So why not just embrace that fact and enjoy the journey and realize that right now in the market, it is the destination.
Doug Holt 0:23
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-hosts, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews, Tim, how’s it going, man?
Tim Matthews 0:33
Fantastic, just coming off the back of a phenomenal alpha reset retreat in Bend, Oregon. It’s been a week, and I’m still on a high
Doug Holt 0:44
Me too. So such a fantastic thing to see the transformation that all these business owners went through our business leaders. I should say being someone who’s been all over the world at events, this, I have to say, was the most transformational experience that I’ve ever seen.
Tim Matthews 1:01
Yeah. That’s what humbled me to have some of these guys here, as you said, business leaders who have worked with some of the best coaches around and companies around to hear them said, well, the exact words are here that it was the most powerful experience that they’ve had, and transformation of their body in such a short space of time, that just a mixture of emotions, I was humbled, I was so proud of what we delivered as a team that in the event, I was so proud of how the guys stepped to the line and played all out the entire time, I was proud about the work that the team put in with the guys in the lead up to the event to get them in the right place over the eight weeks to make the most of the event, it could not have been better.
Doug Holt 1:48
It’s funny because these alpha resets are geared towards business people. Although we don’t do deep dives into business during this retreat, I talked to a couple of the guys yesterday, they just sent me messages, and they’re working out and have war have worked out different business deals, just out of the retreat alone. So it’s such an amazing byproduct of just getting your headspace connecting with the right people and taking time to better yourself. It’s so understated. Anyway, I’m also on a high, so I get passionate; I could talk about this all day. Of course, that’s not what we’re here for. Now, I know you had a topic that you wanted to throw on the table. What is that?
Tim Matthews 2:27
Yes, this is a topic that a lot of men have been discussing in the inner circle lately. I love how they’ve all been supporting one another to get clarity on this. I think the listeners would benefit from us diving into this. The question is, how do you achieve more while being happy with what you’ve already got?
Doug Holt 2:49
Such a great question. This question does come up a lot of the men we work with, especially when they get to the inner circle level; they already have success. The classic terms of success, and it is, what is that next thing? And do I chase the next thing? Do I flow into the next thing? And how do I not get into what you and I talk about all the time, the two paths? The path of the hustle and grind it out or the path of flow and ease. So I’ll jump in with just a couple of thoughts on this subject. Going through because it’s easy to get comfortable. But when you are working towards this greater goal, maybe you have something else that’s coming up in one of the areas of your life, I think the practice of gratitude, which is often talked about, but it’s understated. The practice of gratitude and being grateful for what you have is amazing and allows you to stay grounded while you’re going after your next goal, whatever that may be. So let’s just use it as an example that a lot of people can relate to. If you’re already doing well in the area of business, for example, and you want to take it to the next level, maybe you want to take it to the next level because, well, you want more money. But for many people, a lot of successful men like yourself, Tim, what they’re going to think is, hey, I’m already comfortable. I already have plenty of money, but it’s the man that you’re going to become as you raise that bar, right. That’s the reason a lot of wealthy, successful men take it to the next level. It’s not because they need or desire more money, so to speak, as a measuring stick.
Many of them are doing it because of the person they get to become on that journey. I think while you’re on that journey, one of the keys is practicing that gratitude piece, right gratitude in all areas of your life. What I always recommend to people is to start first thing in the morning. The absolute first thing in your journaling practice is writing down at least five things you’re grateful for. Now, you can do this in the shower, or you can do this in the car if you’re commuting. Recommend writing it down because studies show, putting pen to paper right has a kinesthetic effect on your emotions and anchoring things into you. Now take it a step further, my wife and I, before bed every night, asked, what are your magic moments? Right? It’s pretty much a grateful practice. But we’re talking about what are the things you are, are grateful for in that day? What are those magic things that happen in your life? That’s her terminology, and I love it. Because then I get to look back through my day and go, wow, what happened? Today, I was able to talk to Tim, who’s across the world. We were able to talk about conversations that matter, or earlier this morning, I wrestled with my son; he was climbing all over me. It was so fun to hear him giggle. That’s important. Because throughout the day, we can get lost in the minutiae, maybe it’s a sales call, it didn’t go through, maybe it’s a staff member who is upset, maybe it’s something else that’s going on in our lives. We tend to focus on the problems rather than all the things that went right. So I think that’s a great start to get going and feel grateful for what’s going on in your life.
Tim Matthews 6:10
And I love how you’re included in how to do this either at the start of the day or write it down because we hear the term gratitude gets thrown about so much. It’s, it’s very easy for gratitude just to be another thing that is on the to-do list. I’m going to go through my gratitude this morning, but tick it off done., what I hear you said, Doug, when you were describing it was within the process, by default, you are then going to slow down and be with the process. So instead of the gratitude being something to do, it’s something to be something to experience, which when you then absorb, it lands fear and you copies in full, rather than it just been, like I said, another thing to do that you push on by, and you think you’ve been grateful you think you’re practicing gratitude was a big difference between something to do and something to be
Doug Holt 7:08
And you bring up such a great point right there, that most of the men you and I work with, when we meet them, right there kind of process is done, have, be. If I do my gratitude practice, then I get this feeling right, then I can be grateful. It’s not that it doesn’t work that way. Now, I’m going to give you the formula that does work. It’s simple. But it takes a lot of mindset practice to get here, but it does have. First, you have to be the man you want to be, and you have to embody that person. Right? Then you do the work. In this case, you’ve truly been grateful, and then you do the work by writing it down. Then you get to have that sense of peace. So it does have, but you and I know this, probably better than anybody 99% of the men that come in is high performers. These aren’t the people we’re talking about here aren’t slacks.; they’re not people slacking off. They’re people who’ve been through lots of personal development. Most of them been to conferences; they just didn’t get the right mindset going through there. So that’s where The Alpha Reset kind of means; it’s intense. We kind of flipped that switch to allow them to reprogram themselves first to be that person, then do then have rather than going through a to-do list and just checking off things, because you can now grind somebody is that’s what you’re supposed to do.
Tim Matthews 8:38
Yeah, and you’re such a great point. Because with a lot of the men that we work with the office was at the start, they are ground out one destination to pass the are very much on that path of hustle, push grind force, it has to be a struggle, there’s no struggle, and he doesn’t feel right. Easy is cheating, all that kind of stuff. You were linking back to the initial question of how do you achieve more while also appreciating what you’ve got. One of the key things that we get into this is the balance between the masculine and the feminine. Because the guys that we work with within the concert were very much in the masculine are no, boom, go, grind, grind, grind. That is where everything becomes something to do. That’s where your pace of life is just too fast. You live in too fast and too hard. Whenever you’re in that place, you’re always going to struggle to feel the appreciation for where you’re at. It’s just not possible. So based on your observations of the guys that we’ve worked with what, what, what do you think about that?
Doug Holt 9:49
Well, in terms of balancing masculine and feminine energy,
Tim Matthews 9:53
Yeah. The role that this plays, these guys been dominant in the masculine how they, causing them to struggle to appreciate where they’re at while striving for more.
Doug Holt 10:09
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Just to give the listeners, I mean, I know when I first started hearing people talk about masculine and feminine energy, I just had this picture of an alpha man versus a submissive woman, truthfully. It took me a little while to fully get it. That’s not what we’re talking about here at all; so that everybody knows, the masculine energy tends to be around that idea of grinding it out. Right? I well, hustle you you hear that all the time. The funny thing is we said this is the last retreat, and the men got around. Almost every guy had a story that they could outwork everybody, and I can outwork everybody, I cannot I will outwork you, I’ll beat you in an hour. If you remember, I looked at him; I’m like, you can’t possibly be the best the hardest worker in the world. Everybody can’t be it, and there’s only one. So we all have that story. I’ll just pull myself up by my bootstraps, and I’ll outwork you out, hustle. It doesn’t work; you just get burnout. I’ve been there and I so I can tell you firsthand not only hearing it for the men, but I’ve been there. Tim, I’m sure you have to where you’re out there grinding it out in your masculine energy. It’s kind of like in a war mode, and there are men’s groups out there that just talk about war all the time; we’re going to war. That’s not the way to look at it. Because the only thing that leads to energy leads to burnout, it leads to disappointment because you’re constantly going, you’re constantly grinding, but you’re not enjoying. There’s a way of being the yin and the yang. I’m probably saying that wrong. But it’s a way of having energy balances in your life and having a way of going with the flow.
We’ve all been in that flow state, talking about whether it be sports or business or relationships, where everything just seems to work so well. Income is so easy. A lot of people tend to self-sabotage that flow state and break it up. It’s a limiting belief factor. That usually happens. Or maybe it’s a story that it shouldn’t be this easy, or I shouldn’t be able to make money. Money stories are very typical in this example like you have to work your ass off to make money, you have to it’s hard to make money, money doesn’t grow on trees, all these things that we’ve been told over the years. Yeah, you and I have seen countless people who just seem to do it effortlessly, easily. It’s not because they’re smarter, it’s just because they’re in that flow state we do have, and they’ve embodied it; they’ve just surrendered to that state of being. It’s allowed them to go now; these are very masculine men, they’re doing this, but they’re tapping into the feminine energy, the essence of themselves, and being masculine at the same time. That’s where you get the balance. I think a lot of these men haven’t permitted themselves to be anything else than the John Wayne type character., I’m speaking from the united states, but the John Wayne type character that our fathers grew up with, and, you have to be tough, you can’t show emotions you got to grind it out, get up at four in the morning, and stop, don’t stop working till 10 pm. Do that every day. The problem is you get burnout to become an asshole. Then you look up, and no one’s around. Even if you’re providing for people, no one wants to be around the non-present jerk in the room, which tends to be a business owner who’s working too hard. They have nothing else to give. In that state, it’s impossible to be grateful for your journey truly. Because you’re tearing things down. You’re just tearing everything around you down.
Tim Matthews 14:28
Yeah, I agree. I totally can relate as well., that was me for what twenty-eight years of my life, and, if I’m totally honest, that is my default., this question. This dance that we’re talking about, between the masculine and the feminine and enjoying things, is the dance I get to do every day. It is, you’re the same, Doug., neither no one’s perfect. But the point is, we’re in the process, and for me, what that looks like, is, the first five hours of the day, my phone’s on flight mode. Now wake up usually around 630, go downstairs, make a juice, get to the gym for about half, seven workouts go into the sauna, meditate journal, and I finish up there probably by around nine-ish, a half nine-ish. Then I ride to get the key things done for the business that I love to do, which for me, it’s things like this and writing on video. So I’ve got no distractions in that first; literally, five hours of the day is all mine. I’m setting the tone, and I’m setting it how I want it to be; nobody can get in touch with me. Nobody can disrupt not only my focus but my energy. For me, whenever I infringe on that, whenever I just, I’ll have a phone fight mode, I’ll just check this one thing, I’ll just point to my email, I’ll just do whatever, whenever I allow myself those excuses or whatever validation, I’ll give it at the moment. I always, always pay the price does that direct, consistent role between how consistent I am with my morning routine and how strict I am to how much gratitude and appreciation and productivity I experience daily—it without a doubt.
Doug Holt 16:28
Yeah. I mean, I think that’s also important. Thank you for sharing that and that you’re not perfect. That we aren’t; thanks for telling everybody that I’m not perfect, too. But I think that’s, that’s what it is. I call it getting your reps. Like we all have a default mode. If you’ve been doing this for 28 years, for example, as you used, I think that’s what you said, then you’ve had only several years to try something new. You need to get your reps, and you don’t go to the gym workout one time and expect to be ripped and buff and get stronger every day. Now you do it every single day till it becomes a habit. It’s the same thing with catching yourself. Right, we all have default modes. So we go into the differences when you’re doing the reps, so to speak, you’re repeating the process repeatedly, like you are you’re catching yourself like, hey, I’m going to this default mode. Let me retract; let’s go back to what I know works, which is setting aside my time putting my phone on airplane mode, except for when Doug calls, things like that. Those are the key things that you want to be doing. The more and more you do those, it just becomes like brushing your teeth. It falls into the brush your teeth category; we just automatically get up, brush your teeth after you eat before you go to bed, brush your teeth, or whatever your habits are, you just don’t think about it, you just do it and just becomes you. It’s the same thing with these triggers with these habits. Even being grateful becomes just something you just are right. That’s the beadwork. You just do it over and over and again to get the reps. When you default, you catch yourself in a microsecond, like a split second, you catch yourself and rewrite or redirect your course of action.
I think that’s the difference. I think many people just assume when they look at successful people, and I, you define success in your ways from the outside. That’s just easy for him. Right? You and I talk about that bridge between the two paths. The people on the path of struggle and on this path of just grinding it out and then filling their void with women, alcohol, drugs, tv, sedation, whatever it is. They look at the successful guy, who seems to have it easy, and they label that guy’s lucky. Isn’t lucky. We don’t talk about it. The guy that’s successful doesn’t go. I’m not there; say yeah, I’m lucky it just easier for him to say that. The truth is he’s in a flow state. He’s made his patterns, and these caught his patterns. He’s used his reps to make it just easy. It just becomes who he is. That’s the b part. We’re all in that phase at different levels. Right? We all have different layers of the onion, so to speak, we’re pulling back, and sometimes we default; okay, this is a season to hustle. This is a season to work. I think another thing that’s important that you mentioned to him as you’re laying out your morning routine, which is kind of your ideal morning. You’re not lazy. Right. That’s the difference that I think a lot of people think they think, oh oh, he’s going to the gym and he’s journaling., his guys he’s trying he runs he’s running a men’s movement, global men’s movement, why isn’t he getting up at four in the morning and pushing this forward? It’s not because you have a lack of passion. It’s not because you have a lack of work ethic; what you’re doing is working. You’re just working in a more efficient way that works for you. That’s not lazy at all.
Tim Matthews 19:46
Yeah, that’s one of the things that I get got to overcome the whole being busy versus productive., I was addicted to being busy for a long time, but I also recognize how much of a void was created in my life. No matter what I achieved, I just didn’t ever feel grateful for it. I’ve struggled to appreciate it. Because when I was living too fast and too hard, I didn’t have any time in my day or any tools or techniques to dive into gratitude. Then when I did, it became something to do versus something to be. Then the whole label around being lazy taking time for yourself. I was speaking to one of the guys today that came on The Alpha Reset retreat. He’s got two day nights a week, one with himself or one with his partner, and his girlfriend doesn’t have a girlfriend yet. But he intends to find the woman of his dreams because he’s always settled in a relationship. Just today, he was saying to me, well, a second date, and I don’t have a woman there yet. So I just worked through it. I said, well, what are you going to do? Were you just going to create then a time when she’s there? Was it? Well, I could just tell myself for a second time. Oh, wow. What have you been doing that you cannot be dating yourself twice in a week? Who do you think you are? And is there laughing?
I saw the definitions, isn’t it of grinding toward success and whatnot. So yeah, your right about what you are saying; no, for me, one of the things we’ve not yet touched on in this his perspective, because one of the things that landed for me a lesson that landed for me quite a while ago, is the fact that you’re always as an achiever, there’s always going to be something to achieve. If you are putting your happiness, if you delay in your happiness, on some time, in the future, when you achieve a certain milestone, whether it’s the end of the course, or the end of the year, whatever it is, you get there, then you achieve it. But you don’t celebrate, and you just go on to the next thing. The next thing that’s because you’re an achiever, and you set goals, you achieve them, you move on, you achieve them. So for as long as you want to delay your happiness, you’re going to continue to delay your happiness. The reality is, you’re always going to be in the process, always, like, is never going to end until the day that you stop growing. You’re always going to be achieving something, always, always always. So with that being said, why not just embrace that fact, and enjoy the journey and realize that right here right now, life, this is the destination that you’ve been waiting for? Right here, right now in the market, it is the destination. So at the end of the quarter, it’s not the end of the year, there are just moments in time, right here right now, is what it’s all about, you’re always going to be in it because you’re always going to be achieving.
Doug Holt 22:51
Beautifully said, you’re 100%. Right? You always will be achieving and when you hit your achievements. I almost don’t want to say anything else because I was just so well said, so yes, we’re recording this. So you have a copy of me saying that.
Tim Matthews 23:05
I was going to say I want to get that.
Doug Holt 23:09
But it is well said. I think, to dovetail on that, Tim, it’s important for us guys, especially with what you and I are up to right now. The rest of the people in this movement, it’s a movement, pulling us. We are very passionately in a direction. So it’s easy to get caught up in that. That idea when you see these men transform and marriages saved, businesses saved, lives saved, and a couple of guys have admitted that, hey, this is as good as it gets, I might check out. So you hear that you and I are like, oh my gosh, we need to reach as many men as possible and liberate them free them from society’s constraints. Essentially, it’s almost like the matrix, and we feel like we’re unplugging these guys in a great way. Like there’s, there’s everybody’s different and on their journey. So I think it also entails celebrating your victories, even the small ones, and that could be a gratitude practice. It can also be listed, what are your three wins for the day? Right? Because we tend to move on and move on. Right? And you and I have talked about how we’re looking at the next step as we build this movement. We just run over the goals because we’re going so quickly. We run over the goals that we set, but we don’t take time to celebrate them. As you said, we can do that at the moment or at least by every day, and focusing on your wins. What tends to happen is you tend to win more. I think like men, that’s part again of that we do have the formula.
Tim Matthews 24:45
Yeah, I agree. Agree.
Doug Holt 24:48
Well, Tim, I think that’s a wrap for this episode. I know you and I will continue talking and can go on for another couple of hours as we tend to do. But let’s call that a wrap for this episode, guys. We will see you again for the next episode with another great table topic. Tim, always good to see you, man. Glad things are going so well, and we’re both running out of high after that retreat.
Tim Matthews 25:09
Yeah, yeah, me too. Me too, man. It’s so addictive. So yeah, the more men, the better, the more men, the better.
Doug Holt 25:18
Alright, guys, we’ll see you next time.