Alpha VS. Beta Traits

Episode #305

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” “I don’t know,” “where do you want to go?”, “I don’t care.” Those are examples of two betas. It’s not decisive versus “Hey, babe, I want to go ahead and put on a dress. I’m taking you out for a steak dinner at master rose. We’re going to go there. I got reservations for us. a Babysitter is going to be here any minute. So if you can be ready in the next hour, we’ll be out the door”. Right? That’s a different experience for her as a woman, and for you as the man when you take that ownership in that leadership role, versus “what do you want to do tonight?” “I don’t know.” 

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother? You all right?

Tim Matthews  0:44  

Yeah, I am like the little school kid who has finally got the desk setup. I’ve been out for like two hours. So obviously, I’m just making little adjustments as you and I jump on.

Doug Holt  0:55  

I like it when my screens come together. So I have my screens merged. So it’s a seamless transition with the mouse from one screen to another. Tim just shot me a picture of his office setup. Suite office setup. Your view from the ocean? Epic.

Tim Matthews  1:14  

Sure is. Yeah, sure. Is. I love it.

Doug Holt  1:17  

I’m doing COVID right, baby, doing COVID right.

Tim Matthews  1:21  

Yeah, it was kind of like COVID doesn’t exist here. It does. But it doesn’t work because of a lifestyle we can live. So it’s great.

Doug Holt  1:31  

Nice. Well, Tim, before we hit record, one of the things we talked about discussing was what the difference between alpha and beta traits is? So I think first what we wanted, in my experience with this, is the first place to start. What does it mean to be alpha? Right? I feel like a lot of people get this mistake because you think of alpha. The average person thinks of this big burly guy, tattoos, leather, Harley bike, motorcycle, is going around kicking people’s teeth, and kind of a jerk. That’s the alpha, and that’s not necessarily the case. That’s not the way we’re defining alpha characteristics here. The way that we’re defining alpha characteristics here is someone who leads, leads their own life, leads a life of their family, and leads their business. Somebody who takes charge when taking charge needs to happen. They’re also somebody that doesn’t have to be in charge all the time. They’re secure with themselves. So they can sit and listen. There are different personality types, where’s that quiet guy in the room holds space and listens before, but the words that he says are powerful words, the words that everybody’s listening to. So those are the differences. I think that gets to be clear because a lot of times, when guys hear I need to be alpha, they start going into the military mode, right? It’s a common thing we see within men’s coaching. Everybody starts trying to train like a navy seal, or marine or a special forces guy, and they get all aggro, and they’re going to shave their head and take a bunch of steroids, whatever it is, right? 

Tim Matthews  3:23  

What worked for some guys, right? It doesn’t work for the guys we work with, but it works for some guys.

Doug Holt  3:29  

I think it’s a catalyst for some guys.

Tim Matthews  3:32  

Yeah, I just pulled up here then; obviously, we define what it means to be a powerful magnet. You know, we’re always revisiting. But the one we’ve been we came up with a year ago has been a North Star for us. You know, being a powerful man means what essentially being alpha means. Quiet confidence, quiet self-assurance, you know what you need to do, know what’s best for your pack, lead by example, you’re very comfortable with that and have a calming effect. It is a great way to summarize a lot of what you were saying there, especially the quiet confidence and quiet self-assurance. I think that’s a big alpha characteristic. You have nothing to prove, nothing to hide, and you have to shout about what you do. You need to buy a flashy car to symbolize your status. You know you don’t have to rely on things outside of yourself as wares to prove anything. I love saying you need to do by default means you’re in tune with your purpose, right? You know what’s best for your pack. What that means is from a family perspective, maybe business, maybe a team. Start from a domineering perspective, like, hey, you know my ways the way, but as you said, you are comfortable leading in those situations, hence leading by example. And one of the bits I really Because you have a calming effect, and you have a calming effect on those around you. That’s a real alpha trait when he was grounded in who they are and where they’re going. And that doesn’t need to shout about it, just there, kind of like a steady lighthouse, but you know, lighthouse versus tugboat.

Doug Holt  5:21  

Yeah, no, exactly. And then we talk about the beta. So what I want to turn this conversation to Tim because I think it’s going to be most helpful for the guys listening is to stay mostly in the area of relationships. So, relationship with your wife, as you’re listening to this guy. And how that goes. So the beta is going to be pretty much the opposite. The omega is the opposite. But the beta is going to be mostly the opposite of the alpha. So beta is kind of the guy that goes, “Okay, whatever. I’m going to go along with it”, “Well, I’ll take out the trash,” “Yes, dear. Yes, dear”, “Okay, honey,” and goes with it as easy as a pushover. Essentially. Now, this has been defined as being a great book. I liked the book for a lot of guys. “No more, Mr. Nice Guy.” Because I think it talks about this beta trap, so to speak, that many guys fall into, they fall into being a nice guy. I did right in my marriage outside the marriage, not being alpha everywhere else with my sports companies. But in there, I thought, okay, the only way to make my wife happy is to be a good husband. And do more around the house and cook and clean and cook really, but clean. And do things like that and agree. Oh, you want to go to Mexican food tonight? I was hoping to go to Japanese for sushi. But okay, fine, we’ll go to Mexican because that’ll make you happy. Right? And if that makes you happy, my life’s easier, etc. Right? Just easier that way. Those are all beta traits. Right? And when you’re the beta, guys, guess what? Your wife gets to be the alpha. And guess how sexy that is? It’s not, and it’s not sexy at all for her. She may claim or act as if she wants that role. But she doesn’t. Right. It doesn’t last very long, and it didn’t work for me. I kept on trying more and more and more, doing more and giving in more and “Okay, I won’t go out and play beach volleyball with my friends I’ll I’ll stay in and go hiking with you and your friends” or whatever it may have been. Which just led to more distrust and, I think, more apathy in my marriage early on. And I think for a lot of guys, Tim, are these for me, are you feel like you want you to need to do more of that. Right? Gosh, he’s still not happy. Fuck. Okay, so I’m going to do more What else could I do? Because I’m a nice guy. I’m a good guy. I love her. I want her to be happy. I feel like a failure as a man if she’s not. You start doing more, and you start falling into that role more, which is unnatural for many of us guys. It certainly was unnatural for me, but I fell into it more. Right? classic example. And every guy can relate to this because everybody does it. Right? But “oh, where do you? Where do you want to go for dinner?” Oh, COVID a little different. But “I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”, “I don’t care. Where do you want to go?”, “Well, I don’t care.” Right? Those are examples of two betas right people. It’s not decisive versus “Hey, babe, I want to go ahead and put on a dress I’m taking you out for a steak dinner at Mastro’s” or wherever you’re going to go, “we’re gonna go there. I got reservations for us. babysitter is going to be here any minute. So if you can be ready in the next hour, or whatever it is, we’ll be out the door”. Right? That’s a different experience for her as a woman and for you as the man when you take that ownership and leadership role. versus “what do you want to do tonight?”, “I don’t know,” “What do you want to do tonight?”, “Well, I don’t know.” And that plays off a lot, Tim, especially with COVID. It plays a lot with we see it with guys talking about movies and shows they want to watch, you know because everybody’s Netflix bingeing at some level during COVID or something similar could be Gaya for you guys are a little bit more spiritually gifted. But that’s what’s happening for a lot of these guys, and they’re falling into beta.

Tim Matthews  9:23  

Hmm, and I think for many guys, please come on what comes first, right I think a lot of guys, so we’re ready to rock the book. You know, so they have this. They don’t want to have an opinion because they don’t want to risk rocking the boat and being wrong. Let’s say they don’t want to risk leading and going to that restaurant and booking it, and it’s not going well. And you know when the relationship isn’t in the grip place anywhere. But you know, the reality is guys, you know, a bit of tread of really not having an opinion. You know, just almost being this flaccid, empty guy, quite honestly. Do you know who comes to us for some guys? It’s interesting because if you were to watch them in business, you would never guess that there’d be a better one at home. But then some guys that walk in through the door and they’ve gone, I’ve been leading all day, I’ve been making decisions all day. The last thing I want to do is decide at home. I was speaking to a guy yesterday, in fact, and I was sharing with him about warning signs that are going on in his marriage because he’s just not seeing them. One of them is that she’s talking about separation. But she wouldn’t do it. They talk. She just mentioned it a few times and shared it with him; our men and women are very different women and often figure things out first. You get the gist. The second warning sign is that she’s been telling him that she’s sick of taking the lead at home. The third warning sign is there’s no intimacy, and there’s been no intimacy for about a year. The point being is he says, “Tim, but I come home, and I’ve just been hustling all day, I’ve got a couple of different businesses. And I just need her to take care of everything at home”. And so she’s risen and become the alpha at home, if you were to imagine as soon as you go into an environment, like work about you, when you show up to work, you walk into the office, like a trigger, boom, you get into it inter stare, the same at home with your wife, if she’s always leaving at home, then you come back into her environment where she leads. And you’re then asking her to lead by default, you might believe in at work, but even better is to a degree at home. And for him, I don’t know if to invest in the program or wait four months; I’m buying this property. Like dude, chances are, if you weren’t four months, you might end up getting divorced, having to give half the property away anyway. So don’t wait, but the point being is you didn’t see it. It just didn’t realize he thought that’s what she wanted. Right? If I have always been a nice guy, but she doesn’t want that. And now our mother-in-law’s there as well, right now. And she’s also saying the questioning is questioning his every move now in business. And because he’s thinking about not doing the things he wants to do in business, which would further fuel the fire, right? Sure. Well, so yeah. It’s an easy trap to fall into when you think you’ve been leading all day at work; you’re tired, you come home, you want to relax. But guys, have an opinion, even if it’s ridiculous, even if it’s wrong, to start with just risk having an opinion, just risk putting yourself out there and to start there, if anywhere.

Doug Holt  12:57  

When he said something interesting here and I, it rings true for most of the guys we talked to like men, and we’re going out there, we’re crushing it in so many areas, right? We have five territories that we teach The Powerful Man. It’s like five dimensions if you could think of it that way. Right? One is self, and one is health. The third is wealth, which doesn’t necessarily mean money, guys, relationships, and business. So guys will go out there, and they’ll crush it in business. And like you said, you get decision fatigue, it’s been studied books about it, decision fatigue, and they assume, then when I get home, my wife decides what’s for dinner. My wife decides how the house is managed. My wife decided, and here’s the big one, guys, how we manage the kids. Now the guy might discipline, the guy might step in and say certain things. But she’s making the decisions on the day-to-day, right, the minutiae of the business, almost like the Operations Officer, or you know, some ways a CEO of a company of how that family is being run. And guys, was it abrogated? Am I using the right word, but basically, they give up their power at home. Cool. I’ll crush it at work, and I’ll bring in the money. I’ll do all these other things. I’ll even crush it in my health—right, guys. I’m stepping up, and I’m meditating. But they give away all their power in the house. Now, babe, you pick the colors, the curtains, pick all of these things, which is fine to a certain degree, or crosses the line for me, Tim especially is, there need to be compromises you have to lead everything and make every decision guys. When you give up all your power with your kids, you give up all the power in the house. You’re too far gone. So when she sees that this guy’s point and the mother-in-law’s a whole nother ball game, but she’s going to start questioning other things. You can’t make decisions for the home, and or the decisions you’re making are good because you’re not making them; you’re not getting your reps. You don’t have the Intel, then How can I trust that you can do this out in the real world? Right? But outside of the home, how can I trust that. And that’s when guys fall into it. So the woman needs to get into an alpha state. Right. And that’s masculine energy. So the guy’s got one of two things happening. To masculine energies collide, one person has to go down a little bit to become more beta, or they’re going to fight. There’s no third option here, really, or I guess two alphas could recognize each other. But now, the guy becomes a nice guy. Either I’m going to crush her emotionally, verbally, physically, in some cases, which is the instinct, or I can’t do that because you don’t hit women; you treat your woman nice. She’s my queen, all of that, which is all true, by the way, guys. And then he becomes a subject for her. Right, he becomes a beta to her alpha, which then scares her more and makes her take on more of an alpha role. 

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Right. So there’s another side to this. There’s another side to this, guys. So there’s good news. If you take the alpha leadership role and don’t back down, I guess this is Tim’s third one. Do you stand in your power? And you don’t move? You’re shared with who you are as a man. Right? And this is what The Activation Method does, and it activates you like the natural Alpha Man that you are. Some guys have different levels of alphas. That’s true. But it activates you. It’s why it’s called The Activation Method. It activates the real man inside of you. When that happens, and she tests you, and you stand in the eye of that storm. She collapses into you. She trusts what you do. My wife trusts all the business decisions I make. “Hey, babe, I’m spending $100k here, $100k there.”, “Cool.” Awesome, right? There’s no question about what I’m doing. I share things with her all the time I do. But there are no thoughts of where my investments are going with the family, what we’re doing, what my thoughts and where we’re going to live—all of those things. My wife fully trusts me, and it wasn’t always this way is everybody that’s listening to this show knows. It wasn’t like this. She questioned everything I was doing because I played the Mr. Nice Guy role. And I’m a nice guy. I’m naturally just a nice guy who could be grumpy in the mornings, right? But when you’re on the Pacific Coast of the US, you’re talking to guys in the UK, and it’s a big-time difference. And so I get little warnings when people are slow. So not you, Tim, or anybody else in the team. But anyway,

Tim Matthews  18:29  

anyone else in my life

Doug Holt  18:30  

Or anybody else that might be listening to this? But the truth is when you rise in the office, you stand in your power, you’re able to absorb the eye of the storm, and you laugh it off because it doesn’t bother you. It’s like when my three-year-old throws a tantrum doesn’t bother me.

Tim Matthews  18:48  

And that’s the key, playfulness.

Doug Holt  18:51  

Yeah, that’s one of the keys. I don’t think every guy is, you know, you and I are naturally jokesters.

Tim Matthews  18:58  

Right just in terms of distinction, right if you know if you’re in this place Have you found yourself just in the beds because you thought it was the right thing to do, you know, swinging over to the other side and coming home and starting to stand your ground and lead now works for some guys. But maybe it’s just the way Amelia is. But what lands for her, and if you know the opposite of their two degrees, you’ll be able to laugh things off right laugh off the ship test if you will laugh off whatever it is that she’s saying to try and see if I’m either going to agree or change my decision. She’s always testing. It’s kind of like its boundaries, always testing the boundaries and how far she can go before either getting a firmer reaction. But yeah, I think you raise a good point in that playfulness is a crucial distinction of the opposite of having what it is to be better.

Doug Holt  20:02  

Yeah. And she was in there. And I think the playfulness comes from the paradigm shift, which some of the stuff we teach The Activation Method. But when you’re able to see what your wife is doing, you’re able to see the game. It’s kind of like being able to see the playing field, like a chessboard; you see ten moves ahead of time, it becomes laughable. “Oh, that’s cute. I see what she’s doing”, “That’s cute and funny.” And it’s like, watch my daughter, and my daughter is turning one. I watch what she’s doing. And she looks behind with this kind of devilish grin. She’s going to touch an outlet. Because that’s a big thing for kids, she doesn’t do it. But she looks at me to make sure I see how I’m looking and then kind of goes over there. It’s cute, right? It’s no big deal. She’s not touching anything. It’s not going to get hurt; that’s sweet. I look at my wife and some of the things she’s doing that way too. She’s testing me, right. But she’s also that little girl, the woman inside. And she’s making sure her boundaries are known, right? She’s making sure they’re still there, just like kids test you. She’s making sure that she’s safe. She falls; will I catch her? My wife knows unequivocally. If she falls into her craziness, the things that are going on right now. Right now, she’s going through a thing with COVID. Right? It’s distancing. She’s like, I want to be with people. I’m calm, and I catch her. She knows she can be in this feminine “Wildstorm.” And when that happens, and she knows that she’s secure with me, not physically catch her, but emotionally catch her and I can be there. That’s when the fun stuff happens in the bedroom as well, guys. Because now she can be wild and free, not only in her life but behind closed doors, she can be even more wild and free.

Tim Matthews  21:54  

Yeah. I don’t know, and maybe some guys are listening to this thinking; it sounds too good to be true. I don’t know; maybe they are. Maybe they’re not. 

Doug Holt  22:07  

I think guys naturally know this, Tim?

Tim Matthews  22:09  

Yeah, maybe they do. I think if I was listening to this a few years ago, the reality is, guys, you’re always going to be cost corrected as well within this, right? Especially if, let’s say, you are in a business and you come home. You are tired, you’re going to have to remember, right, you’re probably going to tend to want to walk in through the door, and you’re going to be asked a question. You’re probably just going to want to say, whatever, probably all you were thinking of some questions is whatever, just decide. But obviously, you had to catch yourself, and you can’t see that. And sometimes you might say that, then it catches you. It’s not about being perfect with this. But you get to be aware and constantly cost correct. But at the end of the day, if you’re listening to podcasts like this, and you’re in the conversation of being alpha versus beta, then chances are, you’re going to be in the right spot more often than not, which this is where over time as you do it consistently, from the right place and the playfulness piece underneath that is confidence, right? It’s self-assurance. That’s why the playfulness then becomes sexy to the woman because it’s what it symbolizes. So the point being is, you know, as you continue to be in this conversation, doing the work, then yeah, you get the wildness that comes out doesn’t happen overnight. It takes some consistency, and tech took him years for me, to be honest. But I’m still working on it. I’m still in the conversation because it’s a dangerous place not to be, and that’s one of the reasons why I love the community in the workplace so much where we are with guys who are going through The Activation Method, all the alumni in The Brotherhood because conversations like this come up often. I’m very grateful for that. I’m very, you know, we’ve in some great conversations very often that always have me check on myself.

Doug Holt  24:09  

Yeah, I mean, it’s important to be in a conversation, and it does even flow. And guys, I recommend the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” that has a good book for guys to pick up. It’s on Audible quick, listen, if you recognize yourself in that, right? One of the things the author recommends is getting in with a group of men, right. But The Activation Method and obviously, look, I think it’s the best program to get there to activate you and get you moving, and then you can decide where you want to go from there. But the first thing to do is make that choice and make that decision. Where it gets cumbersome is okay, crap. What do I do, and how do I do this? And I think most men Tim recognized when they were first dating their wife asked her, Hey, you want to go to the movies? That’s a decision. It’s an alpha invite. Hey, do you want to go to dinner? You didn’t say, “Hey, would you kind of sorta want to go out with me and you pick the place because I don’t care where we go or what we do or anything else?” No. 

Tim Matthews  25:11  

I show up exhausted-looking like shit. 

Doug Holt  25:14  

No, no, it doesn’t happen. So you reclaim that as a man. And society’s told us as guys, that we have to be the nice guy. And that’s bullshit. You still are a great guy, a nice guy, a good man, and an alpha. Right? I think you look historically through the leaders politically, but also religious leaders. Great and pious people, even Gandhi, very alpha, very alpha, right. And we look at those things; they made decisions, they led movements, they changed the world, right, and they weren’t jerks doing it. So you don’t have to punch someone in the face, you know, and do a bunch, you know, an obstacle course race. All those are fun. I’m with it. You know this is a different state of mind, the state of being and your wife’s waiting for you to jump into it.

Tim Matthews  26:08  

Did you say there about Gandhi and the other guys? No boundaries, right? They have something to stand, for now, your wife. If you’ve got into the beta, even beta rise, let’s call it that. You don’t stand for anything. You say yes to everything, and you just became this flaccid guy that’s getting blown about in the wind, empty, carrying a bag. There’s not; there’s nothing to stand for. There’s nothing to respect, and there’s nothing to admire. When you think of Gandhi, let’s say who the alpha was? He stood for something that meant he had a value system that when he had a boundary that he would not cross the boundary is what gets the respect. Suppose you don’t have a boundary because you’re saying yes to everything with your wife. By default, there is no respect; without the respect, you’re going to have that admiration yet. You see where it goes with the intimacy and the desire. Now it’s all part of the recipe.

Doug Holt  27:08  

Yeah, I 100% agree. So gentlemen, if you find yourself in this place, being a great guy, right, you’re doing more things around the house, but you’re not getting the reaction you want from your wife from your spouse. You keep thinking, “Okay, how can I make her happy, do more,” you’re in the nice guy trap. That’s okay. I do recommend that book. “No more, Mr. Nice Guy.” And I recommend getting your ass into an activation method. I think that’s a great way of doing it, but right, get your bottom into The Activation Method and make sure you guys are getting in there. Now guys, if you listen to us before, what I always recommend is always a request. Make sure you go ahead and leave a rating on iTunes or wherever you’re getting as YouTube. Go ahead and give us a rating; make sure you subscribe. And if it’s your first time with us, go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. You’ll find the Reignite Cheatsheet, which has got some alpha moves in there. The reason he cheats on there, guys, and that’s our gift to you guys just so you can get things started, right reignite and activate. Right? Those are what we like to get the guys started in their relationship with your sex life and get your future life going the path you have. 

So Gentlemen, thank you again for being with us. That’s a wrap. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.