My Business or My Marriage

Episode #24

In this episode Tim & Doug one of the most common issues they encounter in The Activation Method. Men who feel they need to choose between their marriage or their business.

In another open and honest discussion, Tim & Doug share their thoughts on what they describe as one of the most common issues faced by men across the business world today. However, it’s not something anyone needs to go through, what happens if you replace the word ‘or’ with the word ‘and’ in this scenario, how does that life look to you?

This is very possible but it requires a mindset shift and you being open and honest with yourself about who you are, how you feel, and where you want to be in life.

Tim shares a story of a man he spoke to who was facing this exact issue. He felt the need, as a man to make his wife feel safe and secure and his way of doing this was earning money. This is a common alpha male natural instinct. However, things change when his wife dropped the bombshell that she felt more secure when he was unemployed and they were financially insecure. What his wife wanted and what he thought she wanted were two completely different things.

Are you building your dream and your dream alone or are you including your wife and/or family?

Doug shares a practice he carries out with his family when planning for his business which raises the importance of including your partner in business decisions you make, not necessarily day to day decisions but outlooks and how it will affect your personal life. Is there really any point in working every hour you can to make extra money if it means you don’t have the time to enjoy with your family

There is a balance to be had… you need to start working smarter not harder and you can start to do it right now!

Finally, Tim & Doug address the thought that some people are hiding from their marriage through their work. If you are asking yourself to choose between your marriage and your business, there is likely to be a deeper reason why you are not putting your marriage first because you are not being fulfilled, this is something you can address and fix to live a more successful and fulfilling life.

Things you will discover in this episode:

  • How to balance business alongside your personal life.
  • How to work smarter not harder.
  • What causes you to think you need to choose between your marriage or your business.
  • The common pattern amongst 99% of the men who can’t balance work and marriage.
  • The importance of delegation.
  • The biggest mistakes men make when trying to balance a business with marriage.
  • How we include our partners in business decisions and goals.
  • Learn how Doug plans for his business with his family
  • What to do if you are avoiding your marriage through your work
  • Tim shares an actionable technique to start helping your business work balance immediately


Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man. 

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:01  

One of the guys we speak about right now, his wife, actually said to him, Look, I felt more secure with you when we had nothing. She felt more secure with him when they had nothing because although they had nothing financially, she had everything emotionally and physically.

Doug Holt  0:22  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, “The Powerful Man”, Matthews. Tim, what’s going on, brother? 

Tim Matthews  0:32  

I am very well; indeed, life is good. Life is good. 

Doug Holt  0:36  

Thank you guys for listening to the feedback and for the men’s wives reaching out to us. So if you think your wife isn’t listening, you might want to think again. So today, Tim, speaking of wives, I want to talk about something that’s come up before, and the topic for today is my business or my marriage?

Tim Matthews  0:55  

Yeah, I spoke to one of the guys at The Alpha Reset, just been in New Hampshire. He came into the program after having done a lot of personal development, and he thought, and we see this often, don’t we, Doug, I mean, you and I were there a long time ago as well. But we often see where guys come into the program, thinking the problem is, or the problem they’re experiencing in their life is centered around the business. Because business is the symptom either they’re working long hours, or they are stressed, whatever the symptom is, they think that to solve the problem and achieve more work-life balance and be happier and more fulfilled, less stressed, and they’ll be in better shape. They must tackle it by going into business. And I was speaking to this particular man on the first night on a Thursday. And you know, that night, it’s like, very chilled out, very informal, is really getting to meet one of the first fares and have some amazing conversations like this when I was having dinner with him. He got to the point in his life where he thought, literally three weeks before joining the program, and he thought that he was gonna have to choose between his business or his wife. I imagine the dilemma that he is in because he loves this business and poured his heart and soul into it for the past few years, and loves his wife. He dearly loves her, but it felt completely torn. 

And I can remember that actual first day of work on The Alpha Reset. The floodgates opened for him, he just broke down in tears, all the stuff they’ve been holding on to the fears, the doubts, the insecurities, the shame, the guilt, the sadness, the anger, everything. They who were doing their best to contend just erupted. And it all came out. And it was gobsmacked, wasn’t it? He said, “Wow, I didn’t think I was gonna be even sharing anything like this. I’ve come here for business strategy.” We’ve not even touched anything on business. But in the process of him completely choosing to actually go into the root cause of this, it completely changed things for him. And luckily for him, he’d reached this point a few weeks into The Activation Method as well. you know what it’s like, as guys come in, they have different, you know, there, there are some points in time where they continue to have more and more realizations. And luckily, the first one for him came very early on within The Activation Method, which is the lead into The Alpha Reset. And as a result, he started to make changes immediately within his marriage, and immediately, a business started to become easier. Immediately, it was a lot happier with his wife and within himself as well. So The Alpha Reset became a real catalyst for him. But that conversation I was having with him on the first night just absolutely touched me to the call. To just communicate eye to eye face to face heart to heart with another man who clearly is what we know, he is a great guy. He is not a dick; he is not selfish is not all these things that other people may have perceived him to be is a really nice, loving guy that just wants the best for himself. The best fares family, the best for his staff. 

He may have gone a little bit off track, but to see him opening up on that first night. It really, really touched me. It really did. And now it’s a story that we hear so often. Isn’t it another guy that was at The Alpha Reset as well? Remember him on the first day, “Tim, just give me the stage, tell me what to do.” And I’m like, “Whoa, we’ll just chill. We’re gonna get there. But it isn’t about me telling you what to do this isn’t about you working harder” because, for him, he came into the program after yet another failed relationship because he believed that to be the man that he thought he needed to be in a relationship, that meant having a big successful, “business.” As a result, he struggled to balance that that kind of flow within his life and relationships always was sacrificed. And again, for him, he wanted the tactic you wanted the strategy you wanted, he wanted us to give him, let’s say, a list of things, “Hey, go do this and this” because he’s an action taker, “I’ll go and do it.” But for all these guys, it wasn’t about them. working harder at all, it was all about these guys, working smarter. And what I mean by that is surrendering; it was all about surrendering to the reality of how they’re feeling what’s going on within them, and what has been causing them to drive so hard to the point where they’re really truly thinking; is it my marriage or my business?

Doug Holt  6:12  

And guys listen to this; you could see this post-interview of at least one of the men that Tim’s mentioning in The Activation Method group that we have phenomenal. I was laughing, Tim, when he told me, I didn’t know this previously coming into The Alpha Reset. What his story was, but I do remember him at the end saying I had no intention of talking about anything personal. And it’s so many of the men forget about their business leaders, you always talk about them being at the top of the tree, I think of it as a top of the food chain, so to speak. They’re leaders in their community and their business and their families, and this man, a leader in his church. So he thought, “Hey, I’ll come here for business, and I’ll be good.” And the thing is, you got to raise the bar as the leader, the mental state, and continue to raise your own mindset. That’s how you grow your business. First and foremost, obviously win over tactics later, as you know, but for him, when you think of it’s either my business or my marriage. And the reason I think this comes up so often for us men, and certainly, it has for me in my past, more relationships, rather before I was married. But it’s because we know the business, we can control business, and we get significance from the business. And that’s especially true, or we turn to it, especially when we’re not getting it at home. 

And I suspect that was happening for many of the men. I know it’s happening for many of the men listening to this now because of the feedback that we get. And instead of it being an or situation, what if we flip that and take that word or replace it with a word? And how does your life change? If it’s your marriage and your business instead of your marriage or your business? What mind shifts get to happen there. And that’s what’s so amazing at The Alpha Reset is to see these things happen. And I’m laughing because I’m actually thinking about what you said about the other gentleman. I know, we’re not trying to use people’s names here. But that was because he was so frustrated. After all, he’s like, “Look, just give me the answers, tell me, you know, give me the cheat sheet. So I can get out of here and get to work.” Because he already bought in, he’s already done eight weeks of work with us. And so we trusted our process, and it worked for him. But the truth is, you have to have the experience and those mindset shifts to see the other side.

Tim Matthews  8:37  

Completely and one of the telling points as well first, and I love what you say and talk about “and” because the common pattern we see with 99.9% of the men who come through the program is they’ve all got good hearts. They’re all amazing men; I firmly see that and believe that I feel it from them as well. And they’ve just got a little bit off track. And what they’ve done is they’ve thought that they have needed to be a certain type of provider for the woman in their life. And what they have then done is they’ve thought that the way to provide is through financial means. Yeah, one of the guys that we’re speaking about right now, his wife actually said to him, “Look, I felt finer. I felt more secure with you when we had nothing.” She felt more secure with him when they had nothing because although they had nothing financially, she had everything emotionally and physically. I’m sure it was there because he was present. She felt secure. She felt she could trust him. Although they may not have had any money. She wasn’t concerned about that because the man she married is there beside her, and that’s all she needs to feel safe and secure. She knows she believes in his ability to go and make money now just been laid off from a very high paying job. And that’s when everything his whole world turned around. This was before I started his business. But at that point, they had nothing. There was a period in time where they had nothing. And I found it very, very telling for her to respond to how she did that because he thought, “Well, shit, I’ve got to get to work. I’ve got to produce financially, within the business; obviously, there is a requirement there. 

He’s got a son and a wife. So yeah, obviously, they get to be taken care of, and they get to be taken care of, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially, not just financially, but for whatever belief that was going on at that time, whatever is meant to provide, in his mind. It was more around the financial aspects, he went to work, got busy, and then three, four years down the line, we ended up in The Activation Method because his marriage is crumbling. But all the time, he’s thinking, “Well, what am I doing wrong, because I’m providing you’ve got the money, you’ve got the security, we’re doing well, we’re going to be hitting a million dollars in a few months. What am I doing wrong?” which then creates confusion and stress within him because he then feels like his efforts aren’t accepted or his efforts aren’t acknowledged, better word. And at the same time, his wife then feels very isolated and distant, because he’s part of a lot of his emotional energy into his business. So there’s this big disconnect that’s going on that often, they don’t speak about. And the big shift for him came when he realized what was going on here. But he realized what was playing out. And he stopped being trained to be in control of every detail within his business. Again, what we often find is that as leaders within their business, most of the men or business operators are not earners. However, they own the business; they’ll very much be operating within it as well because they’re not. They’ve not yet discovered that side of themselves that can truly lead. And as a result, they’re still in fear, they’re still in anxiety. So they want to keep hold of everything, and they don’t delegate as well as they could and then become more short-tempered, and they have less patience, and so on and so on. The point being is when he’s in that place, does that mean that he’s trying to keep hold of every detail of his business in his head. So no wonder why he takes it home on an evening. And so for him early on in The Activation Method, how can I have my business and my marriage? Well, the first step is so that you get to realize what’s driving your behavior? There were two things; one, that fear, the fear of not being good enough, basically, the fear of being a failure. Now using business as a vehicle for significance, but then realize what the woman in your life actually wants. 

Because of a theme that we see again, time and time, again, the men often go about building their dream. And they tell themselves that they are building our dream. I’m doing this for us, the wife, the family themselves, but in reality, they’re not. They are in some respects, but they’re really doing it for themselves, and that’s okay. But if you were to ask, let’s remove “but,” Doug, and if you were to ask if the language is important. And suppose you were to ask the wife. In that case, you know what their dream is. I’m sure it wouldn’t include them not being there and being present, I’m sure the wife would; I don’t even know whether the wife would really talk that much about finances, I bet the woman will be more likely to talk about experiences and feelings and connection and memories and everything around the man being present and being there. But as men, we then want to go to the other side and produce and be better hunters effectively, which, again, is fine. I love that, and there’s a balance between the two. So for him, the big shift came when he realized what was driving his behavior, and he was able to have a conversation with his wife about what she actually wanted. And that’s when I realized that it wasn’t building their dream. It was building his dream.

Doug Holt  14:39  

Hey, guys, I interrupted this show because I want to talk to you about a case study we put together; it’s only 11 minutes. And what we do is we go over and show you how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives, have already for extra business revenue, and are having more connected intimate sex with their partner using The Activation Method. And they’re doing all this without burning down. In their relationships, and without suffering and sacrificing their health, we want you to have this too. So go over to www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus. So that’s www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus. It’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.

Yeah, it’s such a realization for these guys when we’re going through it as men. In general, as business owners, we turn to, “Hey, look, how can I build this to be bigger, therefore, provide for my family. And therefore, I’ll get the love, respect, and acknowledgment that I feel I deserve as a man as a provider”. And this doesn’t go for all guys, right? The guys that we happen to attract through The Powerful Man tend to be business owners or C suite level executives in the mid-six, seven-figure level. These guys, because they’ve gotten to this level, they tend to be more alpha-type guys who do not beat your chest, guys, but they’re above and beyond that they’ve already evolved past that stage, so to speak. And the reason I bring this up for the guys listening, Tim, is when we’re going out there, and we’re achieving, we’re going out there to go hunt for our family, which is very respectable, we want to know why we’re doing it. And we also get to remember to check in with our family to make sure that everybody’s still on board with the plan. I know, I’ve been guilty of this in the past; I’m notorious for it. So I actually have reminders to remind myself, but I came up with a plan of execution and things that I want to do my family bought into it. And then I just get to work and get stuff done. Right. And that plan may be a two-year plan, and I don’t feel the need to revisit it with people unless something’s changed. And so I have put on the assumption that everybody else is still on board. And over the years, I’ve learned that it’s time to check back in. 

And really make sure because when you look at the conversation at hand, marriage or business, which many us men have married men anyway. And for those that are married, it’s business or my current relationship, probably. But in any event, we want to look at this. The “and” solution, in the end, is really inclusive. So how do we include not only our staff and everybody else moving forward but our partners? How do we include and make sure that the dreams that we have are still the same dreams that are holding, from the person we had this committed relationship with this person that we married, often many years ago? They’ve changed, they’ve evolved, and new surroundings have happened. And so for the men listening to this, when you think about if you’re in that state of is it my business? Or my marriage is? One is, are you hiding? Are you hiding in your business? Because things at home aren’t working out well, right? And if the answer is yes, and be honest with yourself, then it’s time to be a man and step into your marriage. Solve those issues first, and by solving those issues, your business will grow. Now, if you’re still in that conversation, you’re saying, “Look, I’m not avoiding my home life. But I’m still debating if it’s my marriage, or my business, something else, a greater problem is happening here”. One is you may not be honest with yourself, but something else is happening in your marriage, where you’re not putting it first, right? 

There’s something else going on there, you’re not getting something as a man, as an individual that you need, you’re not being fulfilled, and therefore that’s why you’re having the debate of my marriage or my business because if you’re getting your needs met in your marriage, the question would be my marriage first? And how do I grow my business? Right? So I see this a lot with the men coming through. Again, as you said, they come in for the business knowledge that we give. We do give it right, this man, his business to seven figures now at this point, and he just moved on to The Brotherhood, which is our next level after The Activation Method, and The Alpha Reset only for graduates invited in. And he’s moved on to that next level. And we’ve already divided into his business. But we’ve also made some tweaks to things he can do in his marriage. And it’s so amazing to see him, going in this parallel direction, Tim, where he’s working on his business, but he’s also saying, hey, look, guys, my marriage is better than it’s ever been while he’s scaling his company at the same time. So marriage or business, but what about a paradigm shift marriage and business, and that’s where the sweet spot really lies to meet him.

Tim Matthews  19:53  

I love it. And the final thing for me you reminded me of something is something you and Erin do, and Amelia and I do but with less structure to other people, but having a weekly admin meeting, if you will, our bi-weekly or monthly or whatever it is. And somebody just set the scene here. We were in The Brotherhood, one of the men,  he said something with his marriage whereby once a week it was for them. And it was every Monday, he would cook dinner for his wife. Now, after they put the kids to bed, he’d cook dinner for his wife, and have a glass of wine, let’s sit down, and they’d go through all of the admin that they had to do for their life together, basically. So they talk about anything that was coming up with the kids and deal with that square that talks about anything that was to do with the running of the household. So with that squared away, and let’s talk about anything to do with that plan for the year and how the goals were progressing and how they were doing individually within their own respective careers, celebrate the wins, and deal with anything new and square that way. So although we click admin mean, sounds very monotonous and boring, if you will, the context in which you actually conduct it, or can conduct it, this guy, in particular, cluster wine, cooked his wife dinner, she sat down, she put her feet up, she’s all relaxed. I’m sure that some music is playing as well in the background. So the environment was very warm, very relaxing, quite a seductive environment, really, I’m sure that some good fun after the square the admin meeting away. 

So that then opens up the space to be able to have these conversations, while both of you are then relaxed, rather than having the conversations, when you both rushing in and out and dealing with the kids are dealing with staff or whatever it is, you’ve got set space for that. So you can communicate without emotions coming into it. And then obviously as you deal with each one of them step by step, well then happens you both become on the same page, which then means you deepen your connection, which then means you both feel happier, which then means it frees up space throughout the week. So however you want to do this weekly admin meeting, my advice to you would definitely be to get some form. And if you choose to do this, then be really intentional about how you set the scene for this. And how you communicate as well. Because it could be the key to you having your business and your marriage. Your wife feels as though you present you there Sharon, she also understands what’s going on, you feel like you can celebrate your wins with her, everyone’s needs are getting met, or can get met in that instance. Now you do something similar with Erin, I do things similar to Amelia, we tend to do over dinner from time to time and go through various things. It’s just a great practice.

Doug Holt  23:19  

I agree. And it’s inspiring in the journey of my marriage that I would like to see grow better. So definitely on the path, my friend, as we all are. So Tim, in wrapping up here, what would you say, if you were to give the men listening to this who are going, “Wow, if I was in the state, my marriage or my business,” what’s the one takeaway that you would give him a call to action right now,

Tim Matthews  23:46  

Apply for The Activation Method. Seriously, we’ve got an amazing program proven to work time and time again for the men who show up and do the work. It’d be a disservice to meats not blatantly promoted. To apply for The Activation Method, go over to www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus. You’ll see a sharp case study there from some of the men. And if that resonates with you, then book in a call, depending on when you’re listening to this. As of today, the call will be with me, yours truly. And we’ll take 20 minutes to dive into where you are, where you want to be, and what you need to get there. And if at the end of it, we feel like it’s something that we can help you with. I’ll book a second call with you and send you a trading watch in the meantime. That really brings a lot of understanding and awareness of what needs to change and why you are where you are on the second call. We can talk about some solutions. But he allegedly didn’t sit on the fence. There are two types of men in this world. Those guys will listen to this podcast, stick a fork in the ground, and be committed to taking action and changing their lives. And the other type of guy that’s going to continue to sit on the sidelines and digest and digest and digest and sometimes when they actually do get off the sidelines and into the game is to lit the refs already blow his final whistle, so I know which one I prefer to be. I know which one I am. So just choose your camp wisely and go with it.

Doug Holt  25:19  

I love it. There you go, guys, right from the man himself. Bye gentlemen, until next time, we will see you back on The Powerful Man Show.


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