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Don’t Go to War

Episode #23

Enjoy the Journey!

How often do you hear that phrase, life is a journey and it needs to be enjoyed? However being involved in a battle or war, isn’t an enjoyable experience.

In this episode, Tim & Doug present another deep discussion about what it truly means to become a powerful man and they put the case forward for ditching the idea of a physical, tough, warlike alpha male in favor of a calm, quietly confident, self-assured man as being the one we should aspire to.

As men, we are so often wired to feel like we should go to war, we should treat everything like a battle that we need to win. This mentality comes from our ancestors having to fight and battle to stay alive and even most recently in the world wars when men were recruited to go to war for their country. Still, to this day, there is a belief among many that being a man means going to war and winning a battle. Even as a metaphor this can be a dangerous way to view life. What are we really telling ourselves if this is the language we use and the outlook we have.

Tim & Doug look at what it actually means to go to war… pain, suffering, hurt, anger… these are the emotions associated with war and these will be the emotions you will encounter if you approach life like a battle or a war.

The most successful men are more often not the ones beating their chest the hardest. We have all seen people who shout the loudest about their success but these are also the people who get into more disagreements, the ones who fail to take responsibility, the ones who pass the buck… This is because are in battle mode and they are most likely extremely insecure. Tim and Doug both relate to moving from this mindset to a more calm, relaxed, and confident mindset and what it did for their lives.

If you take yourself out of battle mode it’s the first step to being calm, confident, and in a state of flow.  You don’t need anyone else’s approval to live the life you want and you can live a much more fulfilling and successful life by changing your mentality to be more positive. You don’t need to go to war

Things you will discover in this episode:

  • How the language we use has a direct effect on our subconscious and how we operate.
  • How being calm can improve your behavior and outcomes.
  • How the idea of battles and wars impacts our belief systems.
  • Why it’s time to ditch the cliche physical, tough, alpha male in favor of the calm self-assured man.
  • Why calm is an incredibly strong inner strength?
  • Why the loudest isn’t always the best.
  • An immediately actionable step to being a more relaxed, confident man.


Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man. 

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:01  

Being The Powerful Man means quiet confidence, a quiet self-assurance, and knowing what you need to do? You know what’s best for your pack. You lead by example. You’re very comfortable with that. You have a calming effect.

Doug Holt  0:19  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, how are you doing, brother? 

Tim Matthews  0:30  

Fantastic. Very well, indeed. You?

Doug Holt  0:33  

I love fantasy. Very well, indeed. Twice in a row. I’m doing great, man. I’m having an amazing day. I feel great. Yeah, I got a big day ahead of me and lots of meetings, lots of coaching. And that’s what I love to do. So life is good, my friend.

Tim Matthews  0:49  

Oh, it’s good for you.

Doug Holt  0:50  

So Tim, today, we want to talk about going to war, right? There’s so much talk about being a warrior. Going to war, I’m going to go to battle. But let’s talk about what that means to our subconscious and how that plays out in the real world.

Tim Matthews  1:08  

Oh, I love it. Let’s do it.

Doug Holt  1:10  

So often, when you’re listening to something, how many times I can tell you this real quick. And I know I’m stumbling here. A little bit ago, I walked into the house from the gym, and my wife and son were there. And I instantly started singing a song back from the 90s. Right, I just instantly started singing the song. And I haven’t heard this song, Tim, and probably, gosh, I don’t even know, maybe ten years or something like it wasn’t a popular song at all. But I instantly broke out into song; I knew the beat and everything else. And what it made me think was, I used to listen to the song all the time. Back then, right? Back in the 90s. I was in high school. And I play this song all the time in my car thinking how cool I was, of course, right? I’m in high school, testosterone high, and wisdom is low. And what it made me think about is how our subconscious mind is always recording. It’s always recording in the background, even when we don’t think it is. And it’s the music we listen to. But it’s also the language that we use. What comes to mind when I say I am going to battle for this, I have to go to war, and I’m a warrior, all of these types of war analogies. What comes to mind for you when you hear those?

Tim Matthews  2:33  

Struggle. What I mean by that is why it’s a fight, isn’t it for me, so a reality documentary that comes to mind is about beating down obstacles and coming up against a struggle and overcoming it. For some people, that might work. But for me, it doesn’t work. We speak a lot in The Powerful Man about the big one destination and two paths. And that one destination is you live in your ultimate life. And the two paths. So you’ve got one path, which essentially is going to war where you have a lot of stress, a lot of struggle, and lost sacrifice. And, you know, can you achieve success, not a path? Yeah, of course, you can. But is that path, one that is often experienced with heavy emotions, if you will. And when I say heavy emotions, I mean that alongside the stress, struggle, and sacrifice will go experience. As I just said, I will have certain levels of stress, certain levels of frustration, and certain anger levels. And ultimately, some perspective isn’t it is a perspective of where you want to operate from that perspective will then be projected out onto the world you’re in, and you will then perceive the world around you through that filter. And in our experience of working with hundreds of guys, by this point, hundreds of men, they’ve often been in that position. And when they are in that position, they’ve seen their life through that lens and through that filter. Now they react very differently than when they’re on the other path. Now the other path is what we like to call the new way. The other way is a path that has a lot more flow and ease. 

And often, early on, when we talk about this, we used to get a little bit of resistance from the men because they used to think that “Whoa, flow and ease? I’m just going to be happy and I’m not going to take any action, and you know, I’m just gonna sit back and chill and go with the flow of life and whatever happens happens” and, you know, code. That might be one version of it, but that’s not what we’re talking about. About being able to create what you desire, in accordance with being pulled by pleasure instead of being pushed by pain? And when you are pulled by pleasure, life is happening through you, you are working in accordance with certain laws, and instead of swimming upstream, you are swimming downstream, you start to be able to see things a lot clearer, you move away from being busy, and you move into being productive. And as a result, you also have a lot more enjoyment and fulfillment, and passion in your day to day life. Sure, you still honor your boundaries, you still say no, you still only say yes to things that are an absolute yes for you. 

You don’t do that but beating your chest and having to stomp your feet and having to prove that this is who you are. What it means to be The Powerful Man is quiet self-confidence is a quiet self-assurance knows what you need to do. And doing it quietly, you don’t need people to know because you don’t need anyone’s approval. After all, you are the master of your ship. And you’re able to fill your cup. For years, when I used to go to war, that used to be the approach that I took, and what happened I became I used to go in waves have been burnt out, although I still kept my body. And I would still have a relationship and all the rest of it. Because that has been pushed by pain, I was forever chasing something. And as a result, I never really arrived. Whereas when I was able to make the shift and be pulled by pleasure, instead, I achieved what I wanted much faster and much easier. Because the action that I was taking in the place that I was operating from was a lot more productive.

Doug Holt  7:22  

It’s so true, man. When you think about it, what do people always say? You hear some movies, books. It’s one of those old axioms that you just know is true. It enjoys the journey. Right? You hear that time and time again. And you can’t enjoy the journey when you’re going to war when you’re going into the struggle. I’ve been there. I’ve been there so many times to like, and it’s hard to even describe. And the younger I was, the more I would default to that because it was cool, right? You like these war analogies that don’t get us wrong; we’re not. We have nothing but the utmost respect for the true heroes out there serving their country and their communities. We’re not talking about that at all. We’re talking about the language that people use. We see this within marketing all the time because it sells. Go to war, be a warrior, those kinds of things. But he looks at this marketing, at least in the United States, Tim, it’s where I see this transferring into the men’s movement, so much that same verbiage is being used in the marketing to recruit 18 and 19-year-old men or boys really into the military here in the United States. So other companies are using that same marketing to recruit men and the idea that they’re defaulting to this mechanism. And we think about defaulting to this, defaulting to the warrior, the warrior way of life when we’re that young. Our testosterone is high, naturally, not talking about testosterone hormone replacements and stuff like that, that a lot of guys are on now. But just talking about that natural testosterone, you’re defaulting to the mindset of an 18-year-old. I don’t know about you, man, but I did some dumb stuff when I was 18, in retrospect. At the time, I thought it was brilliant, of course, or I wasn’t even thinking about it. But it was dumb. 

And this is the same thing as we talked about language matters. But we all have or know somebody who’s kind of a Debbie Downer right there, that person that’s always talking negatively. You want to avoid that person. After all, their life is in a slump in such a manner because they always talk about the negative. We all know better than that. We avoid that person. But what if you are that person in your world, but you’re talking about going to war? I’m going to battle; we’re going to kill this. But really, what you’re telling yourself is I’m going to struggle, I’m going to push through, I’m going to sacrifice, and you’re not going through enjoyment. Anyone who’s ever played a sport knows, whatever sport it is, when you’re the best because you’re relaxed and you’re in the zone. Right? You can’t be in the zone, when you’re struggling, you can’t be in the zone, when you’re going to war or going to battle, you just can’t. You’re in the zone when you’re in a state of flow. And if you want your life to be in the zone, which we all do, right? Everybody listening to this wants their life to be in the zone, then you need to be in a state of flow. And this is the next evolution above and beyond being a warrior. This is the next evolution. This is something transcending above the warrior mindset into what we call the two paths. This is the other path on the other side. And this is where the magic happens because it’s a holistic approach to growth. 

Hey, guys, I had to interrupt this show because I want to talk to you about a case study we put together; it’s only 11 minutes. And what we do is we go over and show you how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives, have already 4X business revenue, and are having more connected intimate sex with their partner using The Activation Method. And they’re doing all this without burning down their relationships. And without suffering and sacrificing their health, we want you to have this too. So go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus, that’s ThePowerfulMan.com/bonus It’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.

Tim Matthews  11:28  

That was thinking about what you were sharing with them. One of the reasons why it was so attractive for you and me to adopt that mindset approach. As you said, growing up when you look at the movies and watching the type of role models that the men play in what it means to be a man, how the whole thing is portrayed. It very much used to lead to a well; it used to mean that you would walk. We always used to idolize those men that were tough and physical. And they’ll go into war, and whatever way means that portrayed whether it was, you know, Rocky Balboa, or whether it was Gladiator, whether it was Terminator, whatever it was. We used to look up to those kinds of role models growing up because that was the symbol of what it meant to be a man, and whenever any role models, male role models portrayed, lived in this kind of play this kind of energy and state if you will. But what is the current state of masculinity? Suicide is the biggest killer of men, and that’s a fact. 

Why is that? Well, is that because we have then chosen to adopt a philosophy of life, a way of living, that doesn’t serve us, because what we then do is we put on the armor, and we go to war, and we see those struggles as something that assigns of progress, so we seek them out. And as a result, part of that means that we keep our emotions in and keep a stone face, and we know a man when we do the work, and we show up and suck class and all those kinds of things. But the reality is there’s another way, and as I said, it might work for some people, it didn’t work for me. And the pattern that we see with the men we work with is that they’ve often tried that too. They’ve tried that approach of really putting the foot to the pedal and going for it and going for it, and even doing it. With balance in their lives, but still not experiencing the level of fulfillment and the level of joy and satisfaction they know they are, it is possible to live. They know that there’s something that it’s missing for them. 

And I agree it is another evolution of what I love about what it means to be The Powerful Man. As I was going through this with one of the guys in The Brotherhood last week, as we were dissecting the meaning and was carried out to this is something that we know live up to within the powerful movement and The Brotherhood and The Activation Method, something that we take very seriously to in a very loving way. But being The Powerful Man means quiet confidence, a quiet self-assurance, you know what you need to do, you know what’s best for your pack, you lead by example. You’re very comfortable with that, and you have a calming effect. Now, there are the bits of that that I love the quietest confidence, quiet self-assurance, knowing what you need to do, and you know what best for your pack—leading and calming. I love that. I love it. For me, it’s always those guys, the most unassuming bar is also super productive, the standout the most, there’s always something a little bit off when there’s a guy that says he’s successful, but it’s shouting his mouth off about it. And he isn’t as successful as he says, or there’s a gap within him, of how he feels about himself. So he is pounding his chest and buying these cars and doing all these things to prove and get validation from others.

Doug Holt  15:54  

It’s so true. I mean, we all know it’s the loudest person in the gym, or the loudest person yelling at a party is the most insecure. And it’s by far, and you hit the nail on the head. Suicide is one of them, you know, it’s not number one in the States, but it’s one of the top things, and it’s growing for men, which is, is huge guys. If you’ve men, if you’re listening to this, that suicides affect people, you love it when it comes quickly. And that’s why we’re so passionate about this, and this topic in this movement, is we don’t believe that going to war helps, right? You’re almost going into a PTSD state to try to get things done to live your dream life, and it just doesn’t make any sense. Take a step back and listen to it logically. Does this compute from your basic bs reader? Right, your basic bs meter that’s going off? Yeah, it looks cool to say, “I’m going to war, we’re going to kill it.”, “Yeah, let’s go” rally the troops, right, all these war type analogies. We remember these all come from World War One and World War Two, where the whole world was essentially a war. And the government’s had to rally people to get men to fight and not dodge the draft or whatever else. The media kind of took that on and became a whole persona that’s continued today. Yet, now it’s an evolution; people change, people evolve. And this is the time for men to do this, right. 

The men that are listening to this Don’t be that guy who doesn’t evolve, right? Don’t be that person and choose what you want to do. Right? I’m not here to tell you what to do and what not to do. But I would suggest you have the possibility of continuing to grow and evolve and question your old ideas and your language. If language matters, if we’re an agreement from sure, we are language matters, you like me want to make sure that your language is on point. And this is where we look at these things portrayed in the media and social media, and other men’s movements. I mean, there are men’s movements all over the place, then all of I’m sure each one has a different reason for what they do. And I think some of them just got stuck in some of their methodologies. And now they just, they’re, this is what we do, I’m stuck with it. But at the end of the day, what you call yourself, and how you address yourself matters. Like you wouldn’t let your child call themselves stupid, right? Don’t be like, “Hey, I’m going to war; I’m going to battle; I’m a warrior.” Now warriors are only built to go to war. That’s it; it’s all warriors built for. Be something greater; go to that next evolution. Right and rise above. So Tim, when you’re talking to the men, and I know we’re kind of dancing around this a little bit on purpose, but we are talking to the men, and they’re coming into The Activation Method and coming into The Powerful Man movement. And they’ve been indoctrinated with the ads and all the media hype around going to war and all these other things and the chance and punching people in the face. That’s how you’re supposed to be a man. How do you respond to them? What do you say to them when they’re expecting that? Is that supposed to be the reality?

Tim Matthews  19:27  

Well, the reality is that it works for some guys. It does; some guys respond well to that. I didn’t, and you didn’t. But some guys do. But he’s very clear. We seem to attract and work with a very particular type of businessman, and he is the guy who has to seek that quiet self-confidence and that quiet self-assurance. He doesn’t want to shout at them. He doesn’t need the flashy material possessions; he just knows that he is destined for something bigger and greater. And he feels the poll, and he wants to do it and be it and have it alongside other men on that path. All the men that he can have fun with. Don’t take life too seriously, show their achievers, they go-getters that honor their boundaries; they are committed to being amazing husbands and fathers and businessmen and just men in general. And they’re often leaders of industry in business. And often, whenever guys come to us, and they’re at that point of being in The Activation Method, usually, quite honestly, they’ve tried the approach of hustle and force and push and, and grind, and it’s just not worked for them. So usually, by that point, if somebody desires it, then obviously, it’s quite clear that they’re, you know, they’re not going to get out with us. But it does work for some men to call, you know, go and go and do that, if that’s what works for you. But, you know, if you’re committed to living your life, and creating your life, with a lot more flow and ease, and that, as I said, I’ll read through at that point, that means that you, you produce a result, and you produce it faster and easier. Because you have a quiet confidence, because you have self-assurance, and you will lead by example, you and you have a common effect. And you know, for you to have a common effect on others, just how do you think that you must be showing up, for you to have a common effect, I default, that means that you are going to become what happens when you can, you’re more inspired it takes easier action, you take the bigger action faster, you’re able to be more decisive because you’ve turned down the noise. And you become hyper-focused on who you are and what you want. 

And it might sound a little bit cheesy, but you do that with love to love for you look for the journey of love for life. And this is why a lot of the men we work whether it becomes so in, in love with the life so fulfilled, they surreal, I love the term quiet, it is, it’s a real quiet success to show we celebrate together we have fun, you know, the interesting thing about this, Doug is the men we work with, they’re all really big into their fitness big into it. And they’re all big, obviously into business and achievement, and so on. So they’ve got that masculine alpha side of themselves down, that’s who they are, they’ve got that’s, that’s not a problem. But for them to rise to the levels that they know they’re capable of. It’s about really polishing that side of themselves. And learning to turn down that alpha, if you will, so they can turn up that instinct, that balance in their lives. You know, for them to be fulfilled, the only way they’re going to be fulfilled in their life is by living in a way that’s proven to work. But but but also, by living with a certain pace of life, that has routines in your life where, you’re able to give and get you’re able to go and then know refill, and it’s you must have that level of rhythm to life. And I love the guys you work with. I do. You know, it’s almost like they’re recovering the recovering hustlers that’s so hard.

Doug Holt  24:11  

Yeah, I love that

Tim Matthews  24:11  

I’m a recovering hustler. I used to work 15, 16, 17 hours a day, can I still do that? Cos I can. Do I enjoy doing that? Sometimes, when required, I’m working in flow, and I’m just loving what I’m doing. But it’s not my setpoint anymore. Because I’ve realized that that just doesn’t work for me, even if I’m going to the gym at 6 am and working all day and coming back and going on a date night and whatever. It’s just, and it’s just too much for me. I just don’t, and that doesn’t give me my greatest sense of fulfillment. Not for me, anyway. So now, many of those guys are recovering hustlers, and they’ve chosen to live a different way. And I just love the guys that we get to work with.

Doug Holt  24:59  

I do too. So true. So Tim, take-home points, one action step that these men can take from this conversation apply immediately.

Tim Matthews  25:07  

So, as you start to describe what you’re going to do each day, but say, hey, I want to go to war. And I just want you to start to notice how that feels. Do you tighten up? Do you frown? Or are you relaxed and confident and happy and at ease? To start to be aware of what you’re saying and how it makes you feel? And just consider is that my most productive space to operate in?

Doug Holt  25:35  

I love it. I love it. Awareness is everything in business, your personal life, but also your mindset. Gentlemen, All right, guys, thank you again for being with us. And call to action is to take action today. Don’t just listen to these podcasts. Be the other guy. There are two types of men in the world. One guy just listens to this and moves on to the next podcast. The real man takes action and actionable steps. We’ll see you next time on another episode of The Powerful Man Show.