Episode #352
What would do if you find out that your wife is cheating on you?
How would you deal with it? Do you confront your wife?
When men get hurt like this, shame becomes prevalent.
Shame is where it gets dangerous. Shame stops men from reaching out to other guys. Shame comes around from the feeling of not being enough. The shame and the hurt cause men to go into an ultra-beta mode or DEERing – Defending, Explaining, Excusing, Rationalizing.
You’ve got to take full responsibility for everything in your life. Take full responsibility – but always remember that this is not your fault. This is on them. Even if you have contributed in some way, it doesn’t make an allowance for that kind of behavior.
In this episode, we are going to talk about physical and emotional cheating, what to do when you find out that your wife is cheating on you, how to handle it, and what you can do about it.
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
And so what we’re starting to see is men are starting to check their wife’s cell phones or seeing something pop up in a Facebook Messenger or telegram or WhatsApp or your name that the chat guys are starting to find out that their wives have been chatting with other guys. Some of the guys are finding out wait minute things were going well, I thought, but she’s gone somewhere else. She’s talking to another man. She’s planning on exiting the marriage, and he had no clue. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
Very well as I’m in Leeds. So yeah, it’s going well, my nans, as by listeners now, had a phone call on Sunday, mid-afternoon, and my mom was really upset. Oh, Nan’s got 24 hours to live, and you want to say goodbyes to all the family here. So I just obviously dropped everything and drove up, and that was four days ago, and she’s still alive. So I see a pattern. This happened a few times; now see it? So she’s a fighter? By all accounts, I said to my mom. Mom, you just need to tell her that it’s okay to go. I said this to her a few months ago. But mom Just tells her that it’s okay to go, and she said it this week’s my Nans sign. A bad-looking distressed mom leans over and goes, okay, you can go; you can leave now. My Nan goes, wait a second. Why am I going? Because she has bad dementia. What? Where are you taking me? Where are we going? She just said, go to sleep, mom. Not the impact we thought it might have. Nevertheless, it made my mom laugh, which is good. How are you?
Doug Holt 2:22
Doing well, man doing well. I got some family stuff going on at my mom’s in a hospital etc. Family things can always be interesting. I was going through there. But working through those things as you go. But so many great things are going on. I want to talk about the Netanyahu negative quote-unquote and many great things happening, and I’m just really excited. Spring is here. It’s just such a great time of year. It’s my favorite time of the year. I know my wife does fall. That’s her favorite—Mine’s spring.
Tim Matthews 2:54
Why?
Doug Holt 2:56
I grew up and lived my whole life most of my life in southern Central California. So now I’m here in the mountains of Oregon. The weather’s great, so crisp, but Sunny. It’s still just beautiful spring flowers are popping up, love sex in the air. If you can, just feel it. I love that energy that comes with spring, and for me growing up like sports, we’re going on spring. My birthday is in spring. Just a great time, and you got summer coming up after that, and then you gotta fall, etc. So I’m a big fan.
Tim Matthews 3:28
New beginnings.
Doug Holt 3:29
New beginnings. Yeah, just to recharge my energy. Right and again, sex is in love is in the air. They have always been a fan of that. Which kind of brings me to our current topic today, Tim. So we see this So guys, as you can imagine listening to this, Tim, myself and the other members we have about 12 people were involved in the movement The Powerful Man professionally involved at the moment and unfortunately or fortunately we get to see in the back end of people’s lives what’s going on in your life right you as a man, and things Even flow as guys are working on a lot of guys come into our programs to salvage a failing relationship, a failing marriage. Men come in for other reasons, too. But that’s a big driver for us guys, especially business owners, and one pattern we see is guys not knowing what to do or how to deal when they find out their wife is cheating. Now what I want to talk to you about today, Tim, is what to do when you find out your wife is cheating on you. Where’s that? Yeah, I see you laughing and smiling over there.
Tim Matthews 4:51
I just remember when we touched upon it in an episode a while ago. I knew I would get the baseball bat, and I arrived down there.
Doug Holt 5:03
Because that’s what I would do, but let’s talk about emotional cheating just for this one, not just even physical cheating, but let’s come out. I think we’re going to see this a lot more, and this is why I want to bring this up. I predicted this last year when Arthur and I were just chatting. I said, hey, look, we’re going to see, unfortunately, coming out of this pandemic, a lot of relationships crumbling, for the guys that haven’t doubled down and stepped in and worked on their relationship. Right? Then we’re going to see a lot of issues here. Because we want to learn business where we do, we study business, study marketing, and sales operations, and study our industry. But our relationships are very important to us. But yet very few men study relationships, especially relationships with their partners. They haven’t; maybe they don’t know about the triadic connection and things of this nature. So what happens is, we’re coming out of a pandemic, where people have been artificially forced to stay together. On top of that, they’re together more often than they’ve been probably in many, many years, if not forever and so what we’re starting to see is men are starting to check their wives cell phones or seeing something pop up in a Facebook Messenger or telegram, or WhatsApp, or you name that the chat. There are so many now, and almost all of them have a destruction function. Even Facebook messages do right now. Right? It goes away with time and goes through, and guys are starting to find out that their wives have been chatting with other guys during this time and some of the guys are finding out wait a minute, things were going well, I thought, but she’s gone somewhere else. She is talking to another man. She’s planning on exiting the marriage, and he had no clue. So I’m going to talk about what to do if you find yourself in that situation, Tim?
Tim Matthews 6:58
Hmm, I mean, the first thing you gotta do is take responsibility.
Doug Holt 7:03
What do you mean?
Tim Matthews 7:05
So Okay, let’s, let’s imagine Amelia does this, and I’m like, I can’t imagine that. But if I was in this position, I think the first thing I’d want to do is, I’d be pissed, I’d be annoyed, and also, I think the first thing I’d encourage myself to do, after remaining calm is to see okay, what role did I play in this? Now, this isn’t to excuse Amelia rally; the woman also tolerates it or anything. But I will learn the lesson here. Maybe I didn’t play a role in it. Maybe I’d say nothing. What are you smiling at?
Doug Holt 7:43
You said Amelia or another woman. I’m just wondering where your brains go.
Tim Matthews 7:45
Yeah, I’m just detached. I’m going to keep attaching myself and detach myself from this scenario. But yeah, if I wasn’t to look at, okay, how have I contributed to this? And maybe I haven’t, maybe I have. If I wasn’t to look at that, I ran the risk of just repeating the pattern. I run the risk of blaming the other person and not being clean on my side of the street. Yep. So I think the first thing to do is remain calm, take yourself off, and look at, okay, how have I contributed to this? How may I have pushed her away, how may I have maybe not shown her as much love or attention or affection, and start to lean into the I’m looking at that, and maybe it might involve asking her as well. There’s a way you can do that may involve asking her, but that’s an important first step.
Doug Holt 8:48
Yeah, I’m going to do good. I like that, and I’m going to take a step backward. So it typically happens, let’s kind of set the scene here, and we’ve seen this happen recently to just a friggin awesome guy who had this happen to him. But typically, what happens is men go through a series of emotions. It starts with just intense hurt. Just unbearable pain, even if a guy thinks that might be going on or what have you when the validation comes in, is happening. They see the text messages with I love you, or and then it gets implicit. Some guys find very implicit texts about sexual positions and naked photos and all of those types of things that happen when people are sexting back and forth. He finds that it goes through an intense hurt, and then depending on the man, how fast it transfers over, it usually goes to anger, just intense anger and again, depending on the guy. And then it goes from the anger right to a feeling of the rage of wanting to go with a baseball bat or go take people out or whatever it is you want to do, or just anger and gentle wanna yell and scream, depending on the type of guy you are. Baseball bat guy, but yell and scream or what have you, then it goes to shame and shame is where it gets really dangerous to me, and the reason shame is the most dangerous, although they’re all dangerous areas. Some guys choose to take a permanent solution to the temporary problem, which is a suicide, or at least contemplate that, and we hear about that quite often. Again, we have the advantage of really getting to know these men worldwide, and it’s a very similar scenario. But it’s a shame that’s dangerous because the shame stops these guys from reaching out.
Now, the men that we work with have us right and have the other guys in, in our different communities, a brotherhood, inner circle, accelerator, etc., and so they’re able to share some of it. But most of them don’t, they’ll share with us, the coaches, and we keep it all private, of course, but they don’t share with the other guys because there’s shame around that and that shame comes around from a feeling of not being enough. Like, if she’s cheating on this other guy, and nine times out of 10, the other guy is some smart schmuck, that’s not half the guy he is, he doesn’t make as much money, it’s not as good looking as all these things. But it’s on her side. So then there’s some shame, and the guy starts to feel like he’s not enough, he’s not providing her enough, he’s not doing enough, he should have done more, etc., And that shame causes a lot of men to hide out. They don’t want to tell anybody. Now in their moment of hurt and pain, they might call their best friends or some family members and let them know because they’re crying their eyes out or what have you and usually, they regret doing that, by the way, they usually regret that because they’re not the shame and hurt, or cause him to say things and do things that they may not want everybody to know later on and so what happens here is that shame causes them to a hideout. Then it causes them to go into an ultra beta mode, like not just beta, but ultra, and then they go into deer, where they start defending, explaining everything that’s going on, excusing, and then rationalizing all the things that are happening. Now I’m with you, and they got you to take full responsibility. But I think I take full responsibility for everything in your life. But what worries me, Tim, because we see this so often is the man gets so hurt, shame becomes so prevalent. They confront their wife, and their wife starts blaming them.
Tim Matthews 12:37
Yeah, that isn’t going to happen.
Doug Holt 12:41
It happens all the time. this, I know, it’s not you
Tim Matthews 12:45
Oh no, no, no, I’m talking to the guys listening. Yeah, I do not let that happen. Because you have to take responsibility, but also remember, this has nothing to do with you. This is on them.
Doug Holt 12:59
100%
Tim Matthews 13:00
Even if you have contributed to it somehow, it doesn’t make an allowance for that kind of behavior.
Doug Holt 13:07
Nope. It’s analogous, and you and I’ve talked about this ad nauseam over the last few weeks, or last week, I should say, look, it’s almost like me walking into a pizza place and yelling and screaming at them knocking over the all of their displays and throwing a tantrum, and yelling at them for making me fat. Right? It’s all your fault. You made pizza. It’s all you.
Tim Matthews 13:32
The pizza is too good. So my kids are so nice.
Doug Holt 13:36
She is not so good. So I have great customer service here. You have a pizza place in my home in my town. It’s ridiculous. But women have learned in particular, and it’s going to be a controversial statement. But I believe this. Most women have learned the art of manipulation. They’ve learned it for many reasons because most of they’ve been fighting off guys trying to get in their pants since a very young age. But what happens is the woman starts to blame or excuse what she did by saying, well, you were an asshole, you did this, you did that, whatever it may be. Then the guy feels more guilty and starts going back into super deer mode. Right? There is such a thing. Apologizing, rationalizing, explaining, and trying to get her back is what he’s trying to do, and really what he is trying to do is reclaim the love. The love that he feels was taken away from him, and he wants to save the marriage, which is very noble. Very noble. But while he’s trying to save the marriage, he’s discounting himself further, falling into a beta mode and a beta trap. Now, the wife will keep egging us on because now she’s getting a get out of jail free card right because she feels guilty too. Most of the time, she’s going to feel guilt around this and shame herself, but she’s justifying it, and when he accepts her justification She’s, let off the hook. Right? It furthers like, Whoa, yep. What I said he agreed with, so, therefore, it’s right.
Tim Matthews 15:10
Yep.
Doug Holt 15:11
And this is where it gets really interesting, too, because then the guy starts again, going further into beta mode and for a lot of the guys that we’ve talked to. The women that we’ve been able to speak with, and again, talking to my wife, who coaches women, often stray because the guy is so much in beta. This other guy, who’s not as good-looking, not as smart, not as successful, all these things, appears to be more of alpha to her, and that’s what attracted her in the first place. Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like, there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you; go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now, let’s get back to the show.
Tim Matthews 16:21
Yeah, and I agree; I think that definitely has a part to play, and I’m just thinking about, obviously, the conversations we’ve been having in the past week. Also, my experience. Because I used to cheat a lot, and I don’t laugh because I’m proud of it. It’s just kind of laughable thinking about what I used to do, and the reality is crumbling one relationship where it’s the fourth time of getting caught, and every time I got caught, it was like, I almost kind of got off on being able to win her back. Right? It was kind of like this manipulation thing to a degree. Until the fourth time when she kind of left, and she never spoke to me again. But you didn’t still didn’t change my behavior. I mean, I knew it was bad and wrong, and so on. But Shift, I didn’t occur until I realized why I was doing or why I was cheating.
I was cheating because it was a void inside of me that I was trying to fill with, going out there unable to have sex with girls or pull out attract them, or whatever it was that the scenario took place and so the point I’m making is for some women, I feel like the beta mode can push the women away. 100% for sure, and it’s something to be aware of for the guys who find themselves in that with the podcast episode on alpha versus beta traits, the podcast episode on wolf versus deer. All those are great episodes to go back and listen to on this, and also, for some relationships, some women, no matter what you do, it’s still going to happen. Because inevitably, it’s some nice void within them that they’re trying to fill. You could still play a part in it, for sure I can think of some guys were a lot of guys that I’ve spoken to, often, the emotional affair, either comes from one of two places, what’s kind of the same place, the guide has been a super nice guy in bed, some I’d like you saying, pushes her away because she feels insecure, she’ll have a man around to lead her, things like that. Or the guy just isn’t present, and he comes home too exhausted to engage with her other kids. But even though the guy falls into a nice guy trapped there anyway, it’s the same thing. We are, in particular, thinking about the conversations of the past week. I think this is one of those scenarios where it’s slight. There’s another context to it as well.
Doug Holt 19:02
Yeah. So let’s talk about what happens and, guys, if you’re sitting in this situation right now, you’re not alone. this happens quite often your wife, you kind of know, and something’s going on with all the guys saying this; I knew something was up. I knew something was different with her. Right? And then she leaves the cell phone on the table and goes to the bathroom, and the guy goes over and checks it or logs into a different account on an iPad or a myriad of different ways that this comes up, and he finds out what’s going on. So let’s say you find yourself in the situation. So here’s what, guys, some things that you can do, avoid going to the deer, don’t defend, explain excuses or rationalize what she is doing or what you did. Okay, you feel you may have done two to take ownership of your side of the street. Right. As Tim said, you want to take ownership of everything. the thing that you could have done or what you are.This is how you get clarity and optics on where you are because it will be very important for step four to make sure you have this. Step three is to realize it’s all here, not you. Everything that she did has nothing to do with you. Because I went in to buy the pizza and eat all the pizza, drinking the beer has nothing to do with the pizza place. Right? Nothing to do with them was my choice to do it. I’m an adult, I made a decision, and I need to take action. So it has nothing to do with you. Four right now you’ve taken ownership, you realize it has nothing to do with you, four is now going to double down on you. Right?
Now what you’re going to do is go from deer to Wolf.And part of wolf is wise, and you’re going to double down on your stock right on who you are as a man. So imagine you’re like, I like using this analogy because I like investments. But imagine your stock, how do you make sure yourself as a man, as a stock goes up, one you’re working out.Two, you’re doing your Alpha Rise & Shine. Three, you’re starting to develop your relationship skills, learn to master the triad of connection.The Clean Slate Method, the live Live Like A King system, the Hidden Motives Technique, you need to master these things as a man because you will stay in this relationship, which is great. Or B, you’re going to go into a new relationship eventually, and you don’t want to repeat patterns of the past. Either way, you want to raise your stock and develop yourself, and what you want to do, guys, is look at the five territories. We talked about this a lot. But for those of you that are new here, there are five territories that we focus on here at The Powerful Man itself.health, wealth, relationships, and business, you want to take stock of where you are in those five territories and look at that and make sure you’re doing well. Make sure what you’re doing in those five territories that you’re doing things that will raise the bar for you. Right? Get optics, whether it be a close friend that you can trust as an advisor, get a mentor, join a program. The Activation Method is the one that we like. But do something that doesn’t have to be our program, but do something that you believe will help you raise your internal value. Because at the end of the day, guys, when the dust settles, and it will settle, it will settle. You want to make sure that you’re in not only a good position but a great position. I went to my doctor Tim last week as a naturopath, and it was just like a follow-up checkup. He’s like, how are you doing? I go, man, I feel great. I’m working out a lot. I got a lot of energy. I just feel great right now; everything in life is great, and what he said, he leaned over his desk and looked me in the eyes as Doug, people often want to feel good.
Good is not good enough. You deserve to feel great, and then that moment, he and I just looked each other in the eyes, we both realized something. Now we’re talking about health. But the realization was that all of us deserve greatness. Not good. We’re not hoping our relationship gets good. We’re not hoping our health gets better. But we deserve Great. So guys, if things aren’t good, then you need to do something drastic, and if they’re just good, that’s not good enough. You deserve great and if you’ve caught your wife cheating on you, trust me, that’s not even good. That’s a problem, and you need to follow these steps.Do not hide out in shame. There’s no need to do that, guys. No need to do that. If I were to take an estimate, just an estimate, I would imagine about 50% of the men I know have had an unfaithful person in the relationship, or they’ve been the unfaithful one might even be higher than that. But I would say at least 50. So flip a coin. Right? Flip a coin. I’m not saying this is a scare tactic by any means, just what it is. If you haven’t been the unfaithful one, well, there’s a chance that might happen. Your wife might have strayed at one point or another. Maybe she came back you just didn’t know, and everything’s good. But suppose you find yourself in this situation. In that case, the one thing you can control is you and if you want her back, guess what? Investing in yourself and doubling down on yourself is the best way to do it, and if you don’t want her back. You want a new woman who will be better, is going to respect you, is going to look up to you, is going to admire you, is going to take care of you the way that you deserve to be taken care of, and guess what? You need to double down on yourself. Because that’s the way, you’re going to find that woman.A woman is going to be the woman that you want.
Whether it be your wife or somebody else is going to be attracted to the most attractive physically and internally, man that she can get just like you, you’re going to go for the hottest girl who’s the coolest and does all these things that you like to do that you can get right with your sexual market value. So just like that woman, You want to raise your bar, that may be the area of relationships, you’re like me, and your parents per se didn’t show you how to have great relationships. Guess what, guys like us, that’s most of us, we get to double down on it, we get to learn the triadic connection, we get to learn the Hidden Motives Technique, we get to learn, we get to master them so that we can use them. So we can have greatness in these areas. Because guys, if you’re going through this right now, I feel for you, I do and what most guys do is they go back, and they fawn. They begged their wife to stay with them, and they tried to do all those things to try to clean the house more. They try to do all of those types of things to make her happy, and for most guys, that’s exactly what pushed her away in the first place. She’s looking for a leader, and she’s looking for a man who can, who can do those things, who takes care of himself first and then can take care of her. Right? So there’s a lot of things in here, guys. But again, whatever you do, the suicide rate is number two in the United States. number one in the UK, I think, Tim, for men our age, and just it’s not worth it, guys, you have so much more to give here. Instead, double down on yourself. Invest in yourself. Life is sweet, and I want that for you guys. Tim, any closing remarks?
Tim Matthews 26:19
Thinking of thousand situations, I’d like to get the fuck out of here right now. Because I go, be gone, and I’ll stop myself, I’ll go through the process. Yeah, guys, just don’t suffer in silence. Whether you reach out towards somebody else, just do not suffer in silence. There’s no need, and it might feel super difficult at the moment that nobody understands. Maybe even You look like you’ve got the ideal life you’ve got a house, the car, the holiday home, the business why would she want to do that? She has everything, and she has done it, and you feel very ashamed and embarrassed because you’re the guy that has it all together. Maybe just now, many men like you either are or have been in a similar position to you. So what do you want to reach out to us or somebody else? Would I strongly encourage you not to suffer in silence?
Doug Holt 27:22
100% and guys, I can tell you that many men who have gone through our program have done one of two things, most of them. They’ve either worked on themselves and reconciled their marriage for the better. We’re closer than they’ve ever been because they have something that they’ve gone through together and the second group of guys who want to reconcile their marriage goes through our programs, and then they decide to leave because they’re not going to put up with the BS that they used to put up with. Right? Because look, I mean, if you catch a girl cheating, you don’t sleep in a spare bedroom. She does.
Tim Matthews 27:55
Mm-hmm.
Doug Holt 27:56
Right? This is time for you guys, and I’m passionate about this topic because I hate people.
Tim Matthews 28:04
I’m thinking I don’t leave the leaves. I don’t sleep in this bedroom. She does.
Doug Holt 28:09
Yes.
Tim Matthews 28:10
She leaves the kids; here she goes. I’m not going anywhere.
Doug Holt 28:14
Nope, no doubt, no doubt about it, and then you double down on yourself, and it’s okay to get angry, guys. It’s okay to get angry. Take that anger and throw it to the gym. If you don’t have a gym membership, do push-ups, exercise, move your energy, emotion, energy in motion, get it out of your body, get out of your body, whatever you need to do to do that. Get it out, reach out, get some support, man, get some support, and I want the best for you guys. So gentlemen, just know that I’m in your corner. Tim’s in your corner that every guy in the movement is Tim. Send me a message. We have 17 people full-time with The Powerful Man. So 17 people that are in your corner at any given time. We’re here because this is some movement, something way bigger than myself, way bigger than Tim. Right? This includes you. So reach out for support. We got over 2000 men in our free Facebook group. A lot of men and our memberships are going through our programs and our alumni groups. There are many guys out there that have been a step or two ahead of where you might be and are happy to help. But whatever you do, reach out. No hiding in shame, guys, this is your life, and I want the best for you.
Tim Matthews 29:23
Yeah, me too.
Doug Holt 29:25
So gentlemen, if you’ve been with us for a while, I’d love it if you’d leave us a review wherever you’re finding us. It helps so much. It just helps the algorithms. You guys know the deal. It helps other men as you find us to get insights, and they can get the things they need when they need them. Right. It helps them find us. We’re guys, and we don’t pull over and ask for directions per se all the time. Right? So guys could use a little bump here, a little help to have a little nudge to help them find that information when they need it. So I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave a review. Whatever you do, guys, as Tim said, don’t suffer in silence. Reach out. We’re here for you. Have an amazing week. We’ll see you next time at The Powerful Man show.
