Episode #353
Is your wife using sex as a weapon?
Sex is easily one of the most important and powerful aspects of a marriage. But when women start using sex as a weapon, usually through denial, there might be something deeply wrong in the relationship.
If this is happening, you’ll quickly find yourself in a beta or deactivated state.
As a man, you need to sit down and call it out. Have a conversation with your wife about it. Find a way to transform from a deactivated state to activated.
Start building your courage and confidence – this will be the foundation of who you become. It will naturally spill over into your relationship.
Your wife will start to see you differently. She’ll start to see certainty and stability in you, and she’ll start to trust you again.
Everyone deserves the best – the respect, the admiration, the intimacy. You can have them back by doing the work on yourself. Stand your ground, draw the line, and become activated.
In this episode, you will learn the importance of becoming activated – being an alpha – and how that leads directly to the kind of sex life you want from your wife. Free yourself from sexual manipulation and regain the respect of your wife.
————-
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
————-
Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
Is my wife not sexual at all? Well, guys, you’ve had sex with her. If she is sexual, then how is she getting her sexual needs met? It’s not. That’s what I would start wondering; wait a minute here. These things aren’t adding up. Here I’m being denied my sexual desires, which means she’s been rejected hers, or she’s choosing to deny hers. How else is she getting them fulfilled? To look at sex as a weapon? I look at it as a manipulation technique. What’s going on is what I would want to know. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going down, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
Yeah, very well. I still love that intro makes me laugh every time.
Doug Holt 0:51
It’s funny in the States when we say what’s going down? Usually, it’s kind of like, what’s up? How are you? How are you doing? You always just say it very well. It’s an interesting response to that comment. But that’s good. It’s all good.
Tim Matthews 1:02
Until I caught myself today, you always make fun of me for going; you’re all right?
Doug Holt 1:09
It is a lot of the guys in the UK as soon as I get on a call with a guy, and look, I don’t care one way or the other. I just like giving people a hard time. So it’s just so common, I like looking at the nuances that are different between the guys in the US, the guys in the UK or the guys in Canada? or what have you come through the program, and certain subtleties are just different, and one of them is a lot of the guys. You get out as soon as I get on a call with them. The first thing they say is, hey, Doug, you, all right? And it’s just not so easy.
Tim Matthews 1:44
Guys do.
Doug Holt 1:46
I’ve got a call. It depends on how formal it’s going to be, right? But hey, how are you doing? There’s a common if it’s more friends, what’s up might be something you say it just something I’ve noticed, and I started making fun of you as a joke, because I think it was a day that I got on five different phone calls with other guys all of them have happened to be the UK, and in varying levels of formality for the business interactions and it was all the same thing. Hey Doug, you, all right?
Tim Matthews 2:14
Oh really? Nice. I like to see them representing the UK well.
Doug Holt 2:21
They are great, guys. I mean, come on, and we have The Alpha Reset coming up in the UK. So I’m very excited about those things. The doors are opening up there. We got guys from the States to come in and guys from the UK. I don’t think we have any other guys from Canada or anywhere else in Europe for this particular one. But it’s going to be an exciting event.
Tim Matthews 2:41
Yeah, no, we don’t. But yeah, it will be a great event. I’m looking forward to it. What are you drinking? Is that a beer this early?
Doug Holt 2:53
It’s an electrolyte drink. So we have anyway. I don’t want to go into electrolytes and hydration. But yeah, we have a free electrolyte drink my wife, and I like to drink.
Tim Matthews 3:03
Nice. Well, anyway, there’s something I wanted to bring to the table today and to discuss and unpack, and it comes off the back of what one of the guys said, on calls with us. This past week, I can’t remember speaking to one of the advisors. He complained how his wife is using sex as a weapon, almost as a manipulation tool; she’s withholding it from him at times. She is saying things like, Hey, don’t touch me, this is my buddy. Get away from me. Oh, man, she’ll be allowed to touch her all the time and be more forthcoming and find this very confusing. Where do I stand? Why? Why is this happening? And at the same time, it was also getting caught up in being in her frame as well. She’s very much in control there as well. So I thought it would be a great topic to bring the guys to the listeners. Because I guess I know I had been there in the past a long time ago, but it’s again, I mean, we’ll come at it a little bit in other episodes. But yeah, I’d love to touch a little bit more. So on that note, Mr. Doggy fresh, what are your thoughts?
Doug Holt 4:20
What sex is a weapon? There are so many ways that women and people can use sex as a weapon. I think what first comes to my mind is the idea of manipulation. So first of all, if you’re married, I don’t think sex is just on the table. That’s one of the primary reasons people get married. It just is good reproduction, whatever you want to say from a religious standpoint, but sex because of what you’re doing here. When I married Erin, my wife, I promised I wouldn’t have sex with another woman for the rest of my life, and for her to withhold sex from me is freaking ridiculous. In my viewpoint now, am I saying she has to have sex with me when I want how I want every time I want? No.
Tim Matthews 5:05
Yes.
Doug Holt 5:07
Hopefully, if I’ve done the work that I’m supposed to be doing, that we teach guys, she’s going to want to, right she’s going to want to have sex with me when I like how I want and all of those fun things and unluckily for my relationship, I have that. But it wasn’t always that way, and what happens for many of us guys, when women tend to use sex as a weapon. They deny sex, and we don’t feel it’s right, so you got to start wondering like, what the hell, I’m going to start looking at the secretary, the woman at Starbucks, the girls of the gym porn only fans, whatever it is. The neighbor down the street during the pandemic, you’re going to start having those fantasies and start wondering why the hell am I doing this? The question I would ask myself, Tim, if I was in this situation. I know this is not where you want to go with this. But the question I would ask is, wait a minute, is my wife not sexual at all? Well, guys, if you’ve had sex with her, then if she is sexual, which guess what she is? If she is sexual, then how is she getting her sexual needs met? It’s not me. Hmm, that’s what I would start wondering about, wait a minute here. These things aren’t adding up. Right here. I’m being denied my sexual desires, which means she’s been rejected hers, or she’s choosing to deny hers, and how else is she getting them fulfilled? Hmm. So we look at sex as a weapon I look at as a manipulation technique. What’s going on? That is what I would want to know. And I don’t think it’s right, and if a woman wants to withhold sex, one needs to be a reason. Is there abuse going on? or something? And if those answers are no, then we need to start talking about an open marriage. Or something different? Because, look at me, Tim, I got a picture right up on my wall here. One life. You got one shot at this game, we call life one ticket, and sex is one of the beautiful things out there. Sex is fantastic, especially connected sex, and that shouldn’t be something anybody uses as a weapon or is denied to anyone.
Tim Matthews 7:17
Hmm. I agree, and I think it manipulates and comes to my mind when it’s been used as a weapon when it’s deemed a reward. Hey, you’ve been a good boy, you’ve done the dishes, whatever, I’m going to have sex with you, and it’s like obviously, it doesn’t come across like that, but still the undercurrent of how it happens and, and the context around it, is that it can be a reward, which is still a form of manipulation. Right, and that’s equally as damaging as can I have or no sex to a degree. Yeah, you raise a great point if she is sexual, which To be fair, Doug, what if some of these guys, that wife has kids, maybe she isn’t feeling that sexual. Maybe she isn’t doing things that make her feel sexy. Yep. Right. Especially during the pandemic, maybe she used to like going to the spa. Maybe she used to like getting the nails done, or getting her hair done, or seeing a girlfriend or whatever it is. That contributed to feeling sexy. Because, again, I’m thinking of these guys, the listeners here. Let’s say that you guys are using life as a king system. So you all then walk in through the door, at the end of the workday, all coming downstairs or out your home office, whatever it is, into the living room. And you watch that, and let’s say you’ve listened to the podcast episodes, and you’re taking advice, and maybe you change clothes, see you’ve got an anchor so that you’re going to a different role. You’re going to get out of work mode and slip into husband mode, lover mode, Father mode, right being the CFO of the house. Let’s see you do that, and you’re also using Live Like A King systems you’re working out you’re looking after yourself. Yeah, SM V is nice and high soaring. Still, sex isn’t happening, or it’s been used as a weapon. Hey, this is my body. I’ll give it this one if I want. One of the places to look is what we’re speaking about a minute ago. Well, what can I do to help her feel more sexual? Yeah, that’s a good question, and what if the guys are doing what we just said, ticking all those boxes? What can they do to help their wife feel more sexual?
Doug Holt 9:47
Yeah, I think these are two very different topics, but very important ones. So going from sex as a weapon to make your wife feel sexy, I think, are two different things, and I think there are two separate things that many guys are going to cover. So here’s what I’m going to propose, Tim, I’m going to propose that our next episode is on how you can make your wife feel sexy and sexual again, and let’s continue down this road for this one and guys, you can see how much we prepare for these podcasts. We have topic ideas, and we just chat. I mean, this is how we do it—so coming back into your wife using sex as a weapon. This is where we go into the different levels of relationships. We have one, two, and three, and a third level relationship is everybody’s just trying to get out what they can out of the relationship. Level Two is we’re looking at horse-trading. I’ll do this for me if you I’ll do this for you if you do it for me, and that’s the level we’re talking about here. Level One is unconditional love; I’m just going to do it for you because I love you, I want to make you happy. That’s what all of us want. We all want a marriage and relationship where each person’s doing whatever they can, in a beautiful way and not in a sacrificing way to fulfill the other person. You’re doing it for your wife, she’s doing it for you, and you’re doing it just because you love her, not because you want something, what a lot of guys fall into is, al I’m going to be a good boy, a good guy may fall into deer mode and then as a good boy, I’ll get a treat, which is sex, a blow job, maybe even Oh, I might get a handjob on the couch. If I clean the whole house and detail our car, get all the groceries, and cook dinner for the kids. That they get into this mode, and they start begging for it. We see this in the group all the time; we have a private group going on. It’s going right now, for the guys, and the guys are getting amazing results. By the way, Tim, you got to look at some of these guys’ results.
Tim Matthews 11:42
Yeah, I’ve seen them.
Doug Holt 11:43
So what happens here? Is the woman just gone? Geez. It’s a transactional relationship. She’s like, Yeah, all I’ll give you is a handjob. If you detail my car, clean the house, and you’re a good boy, when I take you to the barbecue, you make me feel like I’m the best wife in the world and if you don’t drink too much, and you carry the plates in, you clean up my friend’s house. So we look like the perfect couple, then you might get lucky all over the weekend or something in the future. Insert the date. That’s manipulation. That’s like me just saying, Look, I’ll give you 100 bucks if you clean my house, and you do these things. It’s just transactional, and there’s nothing sexy about that, and guys, if you’re starving for that, you’re just too much of Intuit drought, we need to activate you, and these guys fall into this deactivated state. This guy you’re talking about is No offense to him, but he’s in a deactivated state. He’s in a beta state where he has to beg for sex. It’s what it sounds like, and if you’re in an activated state, you’re what we call the benevolent alpha, or you’re activated, you’re still a great guy, you’re not a jerk. But you’re not begging for it. You’re going to get it because your wife will know that if she’s not giving it to you. Not that you’re going to threaten her because you don’t threaten guys, but she’s going to know—this state when you’re in an activated state that you’re going to get it somewhere. There are plenty of other women waiting in the wings for an activated alpha male. Does it mean you’re going to do it, but those opportunities are going to become obvious to you? The girl at the gym, the girl at the Starbucks, flirting with you, whatever it may be, it’s going to become your wife’s friends will start stepping up. It’s a weird thing. But it happens. Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing? Like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
And so what would I do in the situation, Tim? If I found my wife trying to use sex and this has never happened to me, is I would sit down and call it out. I think that’s critical if you have to call that situation out. Say hey, look, babe, I love you. When we got married, we both agreed not to have sex with anyone else. And I want to honor that. But right now, my needs aren’t being met, and I want to be with you. I want to be with you, and I feel like we’re the only times we have sex when we have when you want me to do something, which isn’t working for me. I love you. But this isn’t working for me. I love you, and this isn’t working for me, and then I would have a conversation with engaged indifference. getting engaged indifference means I’m engaged in the conversation, but I’m indifferent to the outcome; I’m indifferent to her emotional response here. I think this is critically important for guys to find themselves in the situation, and you have to find a way to go from deactivated to activated, guys, you got to. I mean, it’s a must. It’s not like, ah, someday I will know it’s a must. Because most men find themselves in a situation where they’re not getting the sex that they want, as much as they want, and I’m not even just talking about the dirty nasty stuff. I’m just talking about most guys just basic. They’re not getting it, and you’re deactivated, that state frustrated, your frustration turns into anger, and you snap at your wife, and your wife uses you snapping at her as an excuse for you not having sex. You’re a jerk. Maybe if you were nicer to me.
But really, what’s happening is now you’re in a cycle of manipulation. So you try to be nicer, you try to be the nice guy. Because she just told you, hey, you’re a jerk. So your girl will be nice when you get laid. Now you’re in beta mode, and you’re deactivated. That’s not the way it works. This is not a hallmark movie. This is that real-life stuff that you want to look at. Hallmark is one of these channels here, Tim, and I don’t know, if you are in the UK, he looked at me kind of funny, where there’s got kind of sappy romance shows on there and things like that. We have these things called Hallmark greeting cards. But anyway, when you look at this, this is not what life is. In any other movie you see, and it’s true, the guy with a little bit of an edge gets the girl and not only gets the girl, but he gets the hot sex. He’s getting a blowjob on the road trips, etc., etc. You can still be a great nice guy, you can still be an amazing man, and a great man, you can still be a very devout religious man, and still follow this, but you have to be an active man, it doesn’t matter what your religious preferences don’t matter. You have to be a good person. But you want to be a great person coming from integrity, but you want to be an activated person, which means you’re tuned in, you’ve turned on and what’s going on around you, but who you are and that stops this manipulation right in its tracks, because you won’t stand for it and you shouldn’t stand for it. If your wife is using sex as a weapon, then it’s time for you to draw a line in the sand. There’s, and we’ll talk about this in the next bucket, there are certain circumstances. If your wife’s pregnant, she’s sick, she has cancer, etc. There are certain circumstances where I can get, hey, he she doesn’t want to have sex or can’t have sex. But that’s not using sex as a weapon. That’s very different to me. Using sex as a weapon is very manipulative. We had a guy recently we will talk to, we found out he found out. With some coaching from his coaches that helped him uncover it, his wife was using him for his money and didn’t care about him, but was essentially a gold digger, and because of that, he exited the relationship. And it was nothing that we did; we just were able to help him see what was already there. That’s the same thing here. That’s manipulation that it’s unscrupulous. It’s out of integrity. It’s unethical, in my opinion. Look, you both committed to just be with each other, and that’s ridiculous. It’s like, if I commit to just eating salads, the rest of my life, and then someone says, Doug, you can’t have any more lettuce. Unless you’re a good boy. That’s not fair. I’m going to starve. I’m going to starve.
Tim Matthews 18:57
I’ve lived it. I’ve lived; you’ve been on a roll. Let you do it. I think, guys, one thing to recognize here, if this resonates, okay. The reality is, your boundaries are probably going to be nonexistent to a big degree anyway. You are not going to be very strong. Let’s put it that way in many other areas of your life. Chances are your staff probably not getting things done. When they say they’re going to get them done, and you’re okay with that. You let it slide. Chances are you don’t hold yourself to that standard, either. You say you’re going to do something and then you don’t. I’m going to start working out. Ah, I’ll start on Monday, Monday rolls around, ah I’ll start next Monday. You accept, and you tolerate a lot of things in other areas of your life. So an easy way for you to make having that conversation with your wife easy is for you to start looking at the holes that exist across your life and start plugging them because you start plugging them. You start taking a stand for yourself, and you stop accepting and tolerating certain things and saying no, or holding people accountable or holding yourself accountable. You’re going to start to build your courage and confidence, and that’s going to naturally spill over into your relationship, which is essentially part of living from the inside out. It’s part of what we teach the guys to live like a king system, and this is the easy way for you to do it because then it becomes who you are. You naturally take that into the relationship, and as I said, the conversation becomes easy for many reasons.
One, because it’s how your wife now sees you, she starts to see something’s different here. He’s acting. Differently, he’s doing what he says he is going to do with no more broken promises. You say no to certain requests because you can’t fulfill them, she starts to see changes. So now, when the conversation comes with her, probably sorry, comment because it was just the next thing on the list to check off. So that’s the way to make it easy for you guys. It might not be the fastest route. But it’s certainly going to be the easier route because you’re going to build that confidence and flex out muscle, and she’s going to see you come in nine times out of 10 because she’ll know something’s amiss, too. Whereas the harder it was just to go straight and have the conversation. Because unless you’re living that, like that, in every area of your life, she might be looking at this and going, hang on a minute, you’re trying to have the conversation. Still, you’re saying one thing, but it’s coming from a place of weakness, like Doug was saying, Deactivated, and she’s going to feel what you’re saying. There’s no certainty behind what you’re saying if it doesn’t feel, and it lacks conviction. Guess what? It’s not going to impact, and sex will continue to be used as a weapon. So I hope the guy that had the conversation listens to this. I think you’ll get a lot out of it. Thank you, Doug.
Doug Holt 21:56
Now, I’m always here to help the guys, man, that’s what we do. So gentlemen, if you find yourself in this situation, first of all, don’t put up with it. Just don’t. If you’re looking at the three levels of relationship you deserve from this word, deserve. You deserve the best you deserve. One’s full love, respect, admiration and a lot of times that starts with us guys and you can get that back by doing the work on yourself, whatever that work is for you. For everybody, it’s going to be a little different. You can get it back. But the first thing starts with becoming activated. Making sure you’re standing your ground, and you’re drawing a line in the sand, say, look, we committed ourselves to each other, for better or worse, through thick and thin right till death do us part. But part of that commitment was saying, Hey, I’m not going to have sex with anyone else, and if that’s the case, then I’m only having sex with you, then that needs to start happening, and we need to figure out how we can do it, and that could be a dialog that opens things up. But guys, make sure you’re ready for that conversation, as Tim said, standing in your power and being ready to have that. Gentlemen, as always, thank you for joining us. If you haven’t already, go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus, and we only have two more days. Here, it looks like there are two more days for you to get the bonus that’s currently up there, or it’s going down. So you’ll be a new one up there probably by the time you listen to this podcast. So get up there now and make sure you get it. We will have, and I believe, the Alpha Rise & Shine I as I speak this up there for you guys. So that’s part of this, right? Making sure you’re doing your routines, making sure to get things ready. So it’s going to be an abbreviated version, guys, but it’s a free bonus. We put out one every month for you guys, and we do, as for most of these podcasts, a new worksheet for you each week. So guys, have an amazing week, and we’ll see you next time at The Powerful Man show.
