What To Do When She Doesn’t Want to Be Married Anymore

Episode #824

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Transcription

Doug Holt  0:00  

Women say, hey, look, I don’t want to be married anymore because they don’t feel their emotional needs are being met. She’s been dropping hints for years, and he hasn’t picked up on any of them. Women will plan an exit from a marriage for over two years. If you’re hearing this from her, she’s been planning this exit for two years and trying to tell you waiting for you to wake up. And now this is her final straw, your wife says something like, I don’t want to be married to you anymore. You can walk away or come back or whatever, but eventually go, You know what I was thinking about what you said about not wanting to be married. And obviously, there was a time when our marriage did look promising. What’s changed for you by creating a safe space, you give yourself at least an opportunity or a chance to get her back.

Is your wife pulling away or maybe even she’s told you she doesn’t want to be married to anymore? Well, that’s gut-wrenching. And I’m here to tell you what you can do to get yourself back on track and navigate these tough times. The first thing you can do, and it sounds counterintuitive, is try to understand where she’s coming from. Now, why do I say that? Because a lot of times, when women say, hey, look, I don’t want to be married anymore because they don’t feel their emotional needs are being met. Right? Their needs aren’t being met anymore. And that’s why they no longer want to be married, or at least married to you. And that’s because she no longer believes that you can meet her emotional needs. All too often when I’ve talked to my wife who coaches women, she’ll tell me Yeah, you know, he’s she’s been dropping hints for years, and he hasn’t picked up on any of them. I hear this from men as well. And when your wife tells you she doesn’t want to be married anymore, it’s like a stab in the heart, right? You just don’t know what to do. But the key is finding out the reasons why. What needs hers aren’t getting met. Now, we’ve talked about this all the time, a woman needs to feel safe, right? Emotionally first. But once that is the basic container, I call it a basic container, because that’s going to be our foundation for everything in our marriage. You want your wife to feel safe, right? And we all do. Right? But most women don’t. So the emotional safety is met. Now she needs to be seen, heard, and desired. Those three things seen heard and desired. And what most men do is they go into DEER mode when their wife comes to them. They defend themselves. They are making excuses. They overexplain and they react. I was king of the reaction one that was me. Right? The react what do you mean? You know, if I felt offended or something, Mike, my integrity was questioned or my manhood, I would go right in because that’s what I would do with men, right? I would Alpha up if you will. And so I would go into DEER mode. And I look back at it, I laugh at myself, but I didn’t know any better. That’s just the way I communicated with guys. 

I assumed if I communicated with men who were in business, or whatever else, it was defending myself because I was standing up for my honor and standing up for what I believed was right. That would work in my marriage. And it didn’t, it just didn’t. And so we want to make sure that we’re actually killing the DEER and embracing the WOLF, wise, open, loving, and fierce. So the open and loving of the WOLF, these two things, especially are going to help you in this situation. Because if you’re asking your wife why she doesn’t want to be married to you anymore if she doesn’t feel safe, you’re not going to get the real answer, you’re gonna get some, some surface-level answer that she feels safe telling you, or she’s going to be mean about it, because she’s going to attack you because she’s so hurt. And either of those things aren’t going to get what you want. So you need to provide that foundation of safety a safe container for her. And it can look something like this. So your wife says something like, I don’t want to be married to you anymore. You can walk away or come back or whatever, but eventually go, you know, when I was thinking about what you said about not wanting to be married, and obviously there was a time when our marriage did look promising, what’s changed for you, I really love to know. And see how I said that in a very calm tone, very grounded tone, a very nonemotional if you will, but grounded, secure. And so you want to provide that for us. So she knows or feels at least that she’s safe. Now the key thing I said there was feels she needs to feel that you’re safe. That’s one of the things we really teach them at The Alpha Reset is how to get in there. So a woman can feel you even before you speak. It’s a skill that once I learned it just could been a game changer for me, completely changed my life. But she needs to understand that and then you get to understand, like a journalist, right? You want to be an acquisitive journalist, not somebody who’s doing an interrogation, there are two different energies. Right? So if I’m interrogating her, Well, what why not I take out the trash all the time? What else could I be doing better? That’s needy energy. That’s an interrogator. I’m interrogating her. And I’m also antagonizing her. You don’t want that because she’s going to prep her defenses and she’s going to push back however if I act like a journalist, okay, tell me more. Okay, so you don’t think your needs are getting met? Okay. Do you think I’m working too late? Okay. Is it just that you want to ask more questions? What would work? What would not working too late look like or what is the appropriate amount of time to work? And if I did come home, what would that have looked like for you? What we’ve done let’s talk about that. 

What happens a lot of times when you get into this inquisitive nature and she feels safe, is she’s gonna start sharing more, which allows her to be seen and heard, by the way. You can also utilize The Hidden Motives Technique, which we talked about a lot here. And that’s really one of the pivotal moments when she’s also going to open up when she’s going to give you the playbook, essentially, of what great marriage looks like to her. And that’s key to moving forward, you need to know the reasons why not the surface-level reasons. You see, guys, if there hasn’t been something acute that’s gone on. In other words, if you’ve beaten her or had an acute affair, it’s a gross violation of trust, then chances are, these are micro-traumas or micro things that have happened. And I’m going to bet that she’s been trying to tell you about this for a very long time. Usually, women will plan an exit from a marriage for over two years, right? That tells me that most likely, if you’re hearing this from her, and there hasn’t been an acute causation if you will, then she’s been planning this exit for two years and trying to tell you waiting for you to wake up. And now this is her final straw. Right? This is her final like I’m hottie here. Now, I can also tell you, I’ve seen a lot of men turn this around. And that’s the exciting news. A lot of men can turn this around, right, and they can get back on track. But you need to know the reasons why first. Now, the next thing you get to do, and this is gonna sound counterintuitive to a lot of you, but men that have been through a program, you guys know exactly what I’m talking about here is you need to double down on your self-care, right, you need to double down on your self-care. And that starts with doing your Alpha Rise and Shine, as well as your Alpha Decompression. And we talk a lot about these and other podcasts, you can search we’ve done over 800 podcasts. So a lot of these topics I’ve talked about multiple times. Also, get that no one’s going back and listening to 800 podcasts. But it’s all right there for you guys. But by doing doubling down your morning routines is going to help you but it’s also going to show her that you’re getting a foundation, you’re taking care of yourself. You see guys, if you can’t take care of yourself in whatever way that looks like for you. It’s really emotional what I’m talking about here, but taking care of yourself, and how are you going to take care of her? Right? How are you I’m not talking monetarily, I’m not talking even about health. But I’m talking about just your general well-being as a human, you can’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of her, she can’t trust you. 

She just can’t. So it starts with getting your routines and doubling down on your self care. And we double down in your self-care, your love will come through be easier for you to hold space for her easier for you to hold space where she feels safe. It also will be interesting typically, if you become more curious, you become more of an interesting human, you start taking care of yourself because you’re doing things that you actually want to do. This could be hobbies, it’d be going to the gym, this could be you know, golfing, whatever it is that you really enjoy filling your cup that makes you a happier human, you want to double down on these routines. Because the truth is, she may leave. And if she leaves and you don’t double down on your own routines, and what are you gonna do afterward? Right, you need to prepare for the possibility that she’s made up her mind that she is exiting the marriage. Now, of course, you want to do everything possible that you can do, just to clear your conscience especially to try to pull things back if that’s what you want to do. And I’m assuming it is. Now if you want to do that, then you double down on your routines. You take some courses, whether it be The Activation Method or something else with another program that’s up to you. Do what feels good for you. If The Activation Method doesn’t ring true to you, then don’t do it, please, you want to do something that works for you. Right, that really, really works. We have a statistic that over 90% of men who go through the program actually got what they came for. Right? That’s a huge stat. Not many companies can say that, right? But we’re a movement of men. So we’re always fine-tuning things. But it may not be for you. Or if it’s not go somewhere else, do something else. But do something, I implore you to do something. And that’s doubling down in your education, so you can continue to grow. So you’ve created a safe space for her to communicate with you. Right, even after she says she doesn’t want to be married, you’ve created this safe space. Now she can start telling you the reasons why. Because guess what, guys, if she does leave, you’re gonna repeat the same mistakes with the next marriage. And the next one. And the next one. You know, I talked to guys, sometimes they’re on their fifth marriage, and they’re still repeating the same problems, different women. 

But same problems and you go hmm, I wonder what the common thread is here, right? You know, and I don’t make life don’t make light of that to make fun of them. But that’s just the truth of it. It’s the same pattern over and over again, it’s them until you change you. You cannot change the pattern. But by creating a safe space, you give yourself at least an opportunity or a chance to get her back. Right again, I’ve seen guys literally have been served divorce papers, bring back the marriage on this exact topic by following the methodologies that we talked about here. Now, so once you’ve created that safe space, right now you’re going to double down on your routine is taking care of you, which again, sounds counterintuitive, but she’s gonna see you filling yourself up seeing you fill yourself up with love. And now you get to create another space for her to be seen and heard, right? Seen and Heard about your desire, but also give her some space, let her know that you want this. Right, I always believe in calling the elephant in the room. Some guys will say, Okay, well, I don’t want to see the needy dog. So I’m not going to tell my wife that I want to stay together, I’m going to act cool and calm. That’s stupid, right? It’s just completely stupid. What you want to do is be you. So if you want to stay together, I’d be honest, go, Hey, look, babe, I understand where you’re coming from. You know,

I appreciate you sharing this with me. And I’m going to give you the space that you need. But I want you to know that I want to work on our marriage, and I want to be together. And I would say that just like I said, the tonality is very firm and definite. But I’m also gonna give her space, I’m not going to chase her. I’m just letting her know that. That’s what I want. And I’m going to stand for it. And I’ll fight for it if I need to. Right. Now, I’m also pragmatic, pragmatic. So I also want you to prepare for the possibility of divorce. Now that does mean talking to a divorce lawyer, it does mean looking at your finances, it does look at look at child separation, or cus joint custody and all these things, be smart about it. I’m a romantic, I hope it doesn’t work, you know, it comes back for you that you’re able to save this and come back and you know, statistically speaking men in our program are able to turn it back. But that may not be right, and you may not go to the program that made me do something else. Either way, my advice to you, based on all the men I’ve worked with, is to get your house in order, right? You’re filling your cup, you’re providing the space, you’re just getting your house in order, not from a place of scarcity. I’m not saying hide money overseas, or buy a bunch of gold bullion and buried in your backyard. So no one can find it. You got to do what you got to do. But I’m saying it from a place of just knowing what is right understanding what custody could look like understanding, if you divorce, understand the fact that in most states in the United States and also in the UK, you’re gonna lose over 50% of the income of your assets, all the stuff that you’ve worked for. Right always blows my mind, when I hear from a guy that says, hey, look, I don’t want to spend money on the program that you guys offer. I don’t want to waste I don’t want to spend that kind of money. And I think about it like man, statistically speaking, most of our guys save their marriages and their lives, right? And you how much money are you gonna spend when you have to sell your house and move out what are the moving costs going to be alone, let alone, you know going to visit your kids somewhere else, let alone, child support, alimony, all of these things. It’s just mind-boggling that men can get into this frame of reference or frame of mind. And in the money is the smallest thing. It’s the time commitment actually doing the work that we teach. Because what we teach is a methodology. 

It’s a proven methodology that you can go through. It’s designed for businessmen, because understanding that businessmen, right, we don’t turn off at five o’clock, we don’t clock out. At five o’clock, we still have the idea of payroll marketing, lead generation, operations, fulfillment, and legal, all of these things are still going through our heads, and we take those into our marriage. That’s why The Activation Method was designed specifically for businessmen and C-suite executives at their companies. Because, guys, we don’t turn off at five o’clock. Right, other gentlemen, we do have a program because we want to make sure we help as many people, we are a movement here trying to help men, but for the rest of you, right, that’s what we’re doing. And we want you to get back there when she says that you got to double down and share time. This is her final straw, she’s probably been telling you for years. And now she’s finally actually saying, look, it’s done. I’m out. But again, I’m telling you I’ve seen I see men pull it back so many times, guys, it’s amazing. And the last and final thing that you guys want to do here is build a support network, right? Have a group of people around you who can support you through this, you do not want to go to your wife with your grievances, you do not want to go to your wife with your problems. I’m scared, I’m hurt, whatever it is, you know, it’s okay to be vulnerable from a strong place but take these grievances take this stress, take these other things to a support network. Now I recommend a support network of like-minded men. So in this case, businessmen, right, that’s a great place to be because they’re going to understand the fact that as you’re going through this, you’re also trying to build a business or at least maintain or build a business. So you’ve spent so much time building, they’re gonna understand what it’s like to manage employees while going through this crisis. They’re going to understand what it’s like to have your kids your wife, your wife wants to leave, what are you going to do? And then you’re trying to business got vendors, it’s just a different type of stress. So make sure you surround yourself with like-minded men. If you’ve been doing anything that’s just that’s a huge thing. I’ve seen it pull back for so many guys because you need an outlet. There’s no lone WOLF thing guys. Don’t hold this stress. You’ve done that most your lives where you’ve held it all in you don’t share it with any Buddy, this is not the time I’m not talking talk therapy, I’m talking real men and sharing like, Hey, this is what’s going on. And there’s gonna be a guy that’s further down the road that can guide you down that path that can make it easier for you. Not only easier, but make it make your odds of success even greater. Right? That’s the key, right? We wouldn’t go into business if I had the opportunity of, I don’t know, buying a business as an example, if you said, Doug, you can start the business from scratch or by a proven recipe, a proven model of the business, and it’s going to cost you the same. 

I’ll take the proven model, every time. It’s repeatable, it’s proven, that’s got historical evidence, someone’s been down that path has dealt with the problems and dealt with them successfully and figured it out. Yes, I’ll go down that path, and compound my time and get better results. Do this with your marriage too. And if it’s not with TPM, find somebody else who’s been there and done that, who can relate to you, who understands the struggles that you’re going through. So when you’re you are having these conversations with your wife, you can bounce ideas, well, she said this, ah, well, she probably means that and actually get a translation if you will, and know what to do next. Because that’s really the key guys. You are a business leader, you are a leader in your community, you are gone, you’re a leader in your family. And right now you have a key employee your wife, right? Or partner, if you will, is telling you that they’re at the breaking point. So now it’s time to pull back, just pull out all the stops, do whatever it takes to write this ship. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your family, your to your wife. And as always say guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. If it’s something you’re interested in, just go click the link in the description, get on a call with one of our advisors. And if not, go to Google or something and look up another program that may be a better fit for you. But please do something, take some action. I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.