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Did You Marry The Wrong Woman-Or Is It Just A Phase?

Episode #823

Ever wondered if your feelings of dissatisfaction in your marriage mean you married the wrong person?

This episode dives deep into this common quandary many men face as they navigate the complexities of married life. Join us as we explore why this feeling is widespread among men, the misconceptions that lead to this question, and how unmet expectations and a lack of relationship skills contribute to marital strife. We’ll unpack the “game of marriage,” discuss the importance of understanding emotional safety, and how you can begin to clear the “mud on the glass” to see your partner clearly again. Whether you’re questioning your choice or looking for ways to rejuvenate your relationship, this discussion offers practical insights and actionable advice.

Tune in as we tackle this complex topic, offering hope and strategies for those feeling adrift in their commitments. Whether you’re in the throes of a marital crisis or just seeking to deepen your understanding, this episode is a must-listen!


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Doug Holt  0:00  

And even more importantly, we’re never taught how the game of marriage works. And so as these expectations, these resentments these micro resentments build, they start to stack on each other one by one by one. So you start to question whether you’re married to the right person, she doesn’t laugh at your jokes. She’s not excited to see you. She’s not interested in your stories, or your accomplishments, she’s not thanking you for all the hard work you put in, I must have married the wrong woman. Well, what if in fact, it isn’t the fact that you married the wrong woman? It’s just you haven’t learned how to treat this woman to a way that allows you to be respected.

Did you marry the wrong woman? Do you ever feel like sometimes you’re just in the wrong marriage, or you made the wrong choice? You know, if you’re only with this other woman, then things would just be easy. Life shouldn’t be this complicated. And certainly, marriage shouldn’t be this hard. Sex should be fun. And you should be having an all the time. Well, if that’s what you’re thinking, then this is the episode for you today, I want to give you some examples of one of why men commonly go through this question do women have the same quandary. And three, what you can do about it. So first off, let’s talk about why this happens. And it’s super, super common. In fact, I had this question myself back in the day, and most men I think, do at some point or another. And if they’re not having it, their partners probably are. Now what happens clearly is its unmet expectations. The relationship or the marriage, in this case, doesn’t match the expectations you had the expectations you have for what a marriage should be like. And if you’re like most people, what’s happened over time is your marriage starts off hot and heavy, right? You guys are close. That’s why you got married, typically, I mean, maybe there’s a child involved or another reason. But typically you get married because you’re in love with your partner, you see a future with them. And over time, you throw in kids’ work, responsibilities, soccer practice, you name it into the mix, and you and your wife have started to diverge. As you’ve gotten older, you start to have a path go further and further away from each other. And as that path goes further and further away, instead of building bridges to repair it, because you don’t have the skill sets, no one’s taught us right, you actually go further and further and you look across the way. Eventually, you see this woman you used to love the woman you used to share your bed with them probably still share your bed with. But it used to be a more passionate relationship. Now looks more like a stranger looks more like a roommate and not the cool roommate that tosses you a beer when we are watching ESPN, with the kind of roommate, who comes in the door is asks you why you didn’t do the dishes, why this isn’t done, and it starts nagging on you. And you’re thinking, Well, why the heck am I even here? And the reason again, guys, we were never taught the skills. 

Obviously in school, we’re not taught about money, or how to manage money really, really well. Now, of course, if you studied economics, in college, or at the university, that different story for you. But for most of us, as we went up all the way through high school, the conversation around how to manage money just never really came about, well how the game of money really works. And even more importantly, we’re never taught how the game of marriage works. Sure we get advice, right? We get advice from people. But we never learn the methodologies or the techniques that allow a marriage to stay passionate to stay thriving. And so as these expectations these resentments these micro resentments build, they start to stack on each other one by one by one. As they stack on each other, the resentment builds more and more, and the mud on the glass between you and your partner gets dirtier and dirtier. So think about it this way. You and your partner, your wife are standing across from each other. And the glass is clean and shiny because you can see each other for who you really are. This is when you got married. It is love the passion. And over time little small resentments build up, you know, she nags at you for not taking out the trash. You wonder what she does all day and little bits of dirt and mud get thrown onto this glass. Now over the course of years, this glass becomes so muddy that when you try to wipe it up with a false apology or buy another piece of jewelry or a vacation, it just smears the mud on the glass you can see maybe a little bit better temporarily. But over time like scrubbing, you know with a wet with a dry rag, excuse me, a muddy glass, it just smears it doesn’t get much better. What we need to do is wipe that glass clean. What happens though, is that most people, don’t know how to wipe the glass clean. And these resentments come to the expectations. The stories of well, I go out and I earn all the money so she should fill in the blank. She should give you a blow job when you walk in the door. She should pour you a drink. When you walk in the door. She should treat you like the king that you are yet you’re not treating her like a queen. And so you start to question Well, geez, you know, when I go to the office, you know, whoever it is Jennifer, she laughs at all my jokes. She thinks I’m funny. My wife doesn’t laugh at any of my jokes, or maybe go to the gym and there’s somebody you’re doing a CrossFit class or whatever else it is. And that person always smiles when they see you. 

That person sees you for the man that you are, but your wife doesn’t seem to. And so you start to question whether you’re married to the right person, she doesn’t laugh at your jokes, she’s not excited to see you. She’s not interested in your stories, or your accomplishments, she’s not thanking you, for all the hard work you put in, yet everybody else seems to see you for the king that you are, I must have married the wrong woman. Well, what if, in fact, it isn’t the fact that you married the wrong woman, it’s just you haven’t learned how to treat this woman in a way that allows you to be respected. This is where we use the triad of connection. Now you see, first you need to understand that for a woman safety is paramount. And it’s not just physical safety, it’s emotional safety. And when men show up in these marriages, and we get resentful, right, we get angry, we get agitated, and we go through this whole cycle and it goes something like this, you get resentful, then you get angry. And then you blow up somehow, someway, you Beloved, something small, you argue or what have you, your wife cries, or she doesn’t walk away, whatever you feel like crap. When you feel like crap, you feel guilty. And that guilt makes you angry. And then you blow up, and then you feel sorry, then you feel guilty, then you feel angry. And you go through this pattern over and over again until eventually for a lot of guys just become numb, you just become numb. And that resentment builds and builds and builds. And so TPM, we teach something called the triad of connection, because women need to feel safe, emotionally safe, and every time we blow up, or every time we come inwards to ourselves, your wife can’t feel safe. And when she can’t feel safe, she can’t feel seen. And I don’t mean just looking at her, I mean, seeing deeply like you see her for who she really is, the beautiful woman inside of her, the girl that has been dying inside. You see her for she really is right. And a lot of guys were reporting that they’ll find out later that their wife has been living a life of desperation, crying in the shower, you know, just hoping things will change hoping things will get better, and wondering why isn’t her man stepping up? Why is she in this marriage? Now, once you feel seen, then you got to make her feel heard. And it’s not repeating the words back. It’s truly understanding the words that she’s saying, then, and only then can you get desire, right? So it’s safety first, and it’s woman needs to be seen hurt and desired. Now, when you have resentment, you can’t do this. 

When there’s mud on the glass, you can’t do this. Right? So how do you get it off? How do you actually get the mud off the glass so you can get back to a place where you can actually see and be seen by the woman who said I do too? Because that woman, the woman that you married my guess is you’d still want to be with her. She’s going to laugh at your jokes, right? She’s going to want to know what your wins and losses are in the workplace. She’s going to celebrate you like the king that you are. That was the woman you married, and over time she became something else. But the truth is, didn’t you? Didn’t you also become somebody else? Are you still exactly the man that she married? Well, I certainly hope not right, I hope we all evolve, you know if you got married, your 20s, or 30s, or whatever, we’ve evolved over time. And so we get to go through that triad of connection. Now the triad of connection is something that we teach at TPM, and trying to connection starts with the Clean Slate Method. Now, with the Clean Slate Method, we’ve done a lot of podcasts on this. But it’s essentially like wiping that glass clean. It’s like taking Windex or a powerful glass cleaner. Actually, it’s more like taking a high-pressure washer, to the mud on the glass between you and your wife and wiping it all away. It’s really like that It’s that powerful. Once we’ve done that you can see each other we then use The Hidden Motives Technique. And that’s allowing validation. So think of the Clean Slate Method is allows your wife probably for the first time in your marriage to feel safe, truly safe. No, I know when I say that some of you were like, What the heck are you talking about Doug? Right. And some of you were like, wow, my wife tells me that all the time, she doesn’t feel safe. When my wife first told me I remember her telling me that she didn’t feel safe. I was like, What the heck do you mean, I’ve never hit you pushed you, or even threatened you before. Like, you know, I’m physically fit. I was a safe guy to be around. In fact, I was that guy that would would defend people publicly who were being picked on. I don’t like bullies. And I’ve got no problem stepping in front of another man or group of men and addressing it if necessary. So of course you got to feel safe around me. But she didn’t. Well, I didn’t understand that she didn’t feel emotionally safe. I grew up in a family with all the dudes. I played sports my whole life. I was around guys. So safety was a physical thing to me. 

I didn’t understand the emotional safety that she needed. Okay, so you have to be able to apply that emotional safety. And to do that once you have that that’s Clean Slate Method. Then the glass is clean. She can feel safe because now she can see you and you can see her. See what she can’t see you she doesn’t know she’s dealing With she dealing with the angry guy inside she dealing with a resentful god, she’s dealing with a guy who just watches porn all the time or is fantasizing about her girlfriends or whatever else it is, she can’t see you. So therefore she can’t be safe. When she can see you and you can see her, the slate is clean, the glass is clean, then she can feel safe. Now we need her to feel heard, heard and seen or seen and heard whichever way you want to put it. This is where we use the second part of the triad. So if you picture a triangle, the base is going to be the Clean Slate Method. The second side is going to be The Hidden Motives Technique.

I do a lot of training on The Hidden Motives Technique. But in essence, this is going to allow your wife to feel really, really seen and heard. And many women will say that for the first time in their life. I hear this all the time from men who report this back, when they use The Hidden Motives Technique repeatedly, they are able to provide a space for their woman to truly feel seen and heard for the first time. And when you can make a woman feel truly seen and heard. You can move mountains with her in that marriage and that relationship. It is paramount guys, this is the technique that we weren’t taught as men. It’s a communication technique. It’s like being able to go through your life and women Oh, speak Japanese and you speak English. And you just don’t understand what they’re saying. You don’t understand what’s going on. And The Hidden Motives Technique like somebody’s giving you a rubric, somebody’s giving you the clue where you can actually like almost put on glasses where as soon as they speak Japanese, you can speak Japanese back or translate it to English, whatever analogy you want to use. It is a magical technique, it is an easy-to-use technique. But like most things, right, the easy things work. And they’re easy not to do. So you have to learn and master The Hidden Motives Technique. Now the third thing you want to do is we got to get to live Live Like a King System. That’s a system that we use, that allows men to really regain their regain themselves, if you will, and keep things moving on. Because you don’t want things to be better for a day or two days, you want them to be better forever. 

A lot of guys will talk about their second marriage within their first marriage. So what I mean is like marriage 2.0. That’s what my wife and I called it, let’s do marriage to point out, we’re able to wipe the slate clean of the past and go into the future. But we’re able to do that with passion with love. If you ever see my wife and my kids I was We’re normal people would what you see on camera, or what you see in pictures be the same as what you’re going to see in person? There’s no difference. We’re not perfect by any means, right? But we’re perfectly imperfect for us. There’s passion, there’s love, right? We respect each other. And we got back to that place. Because we’re doing the three things I’m talking to you guys. Now, you got to clean the slate, you got to use The Hidden Motives Technique and live like a king system, that triad of connection, we call those three together. This allows you to actually see your wife again. And when you do this guys, and this, I’ll say 98% of the time, because are those guys that are outliers. They will say to the woman that they thought they shouldn’t have married, right? The person they’re like, Man, I think I married the wrong person. When they go through and become activated. That’s what we call it at TPM, you become activated again. So you become back to the man that used to be when they become activated. Their wife steps forward with them and meets them. And all of a sudden they realize, wow, my wife’s actually a really cool person. She’s very smart. Men who join our program. Don’t marry dumb women. It just I can tell you, I ask this question of guys all the time. Is your woman smart? Oh, yeah, she’s stuck. She’s super smart. It’s time and time again because you guys are smart. Right? So she’s smart. So what’s going on? What’s missing? Here’s the chasm. You guys are missing each other. That is the key guys. You’re missing each other. Maybe you did marry the wrong woman, but you would be one of the two percenters. I know everybody thinks their situation is unique. I get it. We’ve got 1000s upon 1000s of men going through our programs. But I’m here to tell you guys, it’s really really rare. There’s certain consistencies that happen. And you’d have to be a moron not to recognize patterns. If you’re seeing them over and over again, I get to see the patterns inside of marriages and inside of men’s lives. So I get to see these patterns over and over again. So these are the things that you want to look for. 

When you’re, you’re looking at the question of, did I marry the wrong person? First of all, what I want you to know is it’s always easy to have another woman laugh at your jokes or commune with you or smile at you and to go to the gym or see you for what you are because that person is only seeing a fragment of you and a fragment of your life. Also, the other woman doesn’t have the baggage of the trauma or the separation from having kids and late nights that go into the sleepless nights and the soccer practice and this and that. They don’t have all that mud on the glass with you. So it seems easy. And it’s going to be easy and great at the beginning. Right? That’s typically what I hear because we have men that go through this. Then over time, they go into the same problem again becomes like Groundhog’s Day with their their new marriage. starts to end up a lot like their last marriage if they don’t make the key changes that I mentioned. And that’s the thing. So what I invite you to do, what I would do, and I did this in my marriage, is if you can show up for 30 days consistently, as the wolf wise, open, loving and fierce, use the triadic connection, if you can do that for 30 days consistently, without fail, then that will give you insight. And if you don’t get a glimmer of your wife, being the woman that you really want to be with, then, geez, maybe it is time for you to walk away. But you have to do yourself a favor first. Otherwise, you’re gonna have regrets. And that is the worst thing that can happen because I hear it all the time, is men that exit the relationship. And the number having regrets because they didn’t go all in, they didn’t go all in, they didn’t learn the tools and techniques of how to have a thriving and passion, passionate marriage, I was never taught him you were never taught them. We just don’t get taught those things as men, as modern men. And that’s what The Activation Method for relationships is all about. It’s a methodology, a proven methodology that you can go through. If you’re interested in going through that, simply click the link below, wherever you’re finding this, that link will take you there, you’ll get information, you can talk to an advisor, and you can make the decision was the right thing for you. Right? It’s a methodology. But whenever you do go all in, don’t want to live with regrets. You don’t want to exit and have regrets. We just did a show about affairs because that happens a lot. We get guys a call us up and said Man, I had an affair. I just don’t know how to get it back or I had an affair 10 years ago, my wife still brings it up. If you haven’t done that, if you have, then there are ways back. 

But if you haven’t done that, and you’re just thinking, Man, I just was the wrong person. Well, then you owe yourself the ability to have a clean conscious and walk away and make sure you’ve done everything possible. everything possible to make sure you’re making the right decision before you make the mistake that some men are having a hard time getting back from. And it doesn’t have to be TPM doesn’t have to be The Activation Method for relationships. I think it’s the best program. I’m 100% biased, I wouldn’t be involved if I didn’t think it was the best I’d go out and do something else. But 1000s of men have been through before he was successful. And that’s what you want. Find something that resonates with you. Having a methodology that you can follow with proven results is one thing to say I did in my marriage. But it’s another thing to see hundreds if not 1000s of other men. So yeah, it worked for me too. That’s not by chance when you get to those numbers is not by chance. But whatever you do, you owe it to yourself to go all in, go all in, and find out for yourself for sure. Is she the right woman for me? And if you find out she’s not you have a clear conscience when you exit, and that happens. Right? We guide men through that process as well. And I applaud you for it because at least you went all in rather than just taking the easy route. You know, the barista who laughs at your jokes. Sure she does. But she’s behind the bar at the coffee shop, she’s got nothing better to do. Make sure you actually take time to find out your family deserves it. You deserve it. As I always say in the moment inside gentlemen, take massive action. And this is a moment of insight for you. What can you do for the next 30 days, or 90 days even to go all in on your marriage to make sure you’ve done everything possible? And if you’re in this situation where things aren’t working, get guidance. If it’s not through TPM, go somewhere else. Right, but you owe it to yourself to at least check in click the link below find out some more information. If it’s not for you no harm, no foul, our advisors will actually recommend other programs potentially if they think it’s not a good fit, right? We’re not for everybody. We only work with business leaders. So that’s business owners and C-suite executives at this time. Right? If you’re not one of those, we have a small program that actually goes over The Hidden Motives Technique. So at least you can start building your bridge back, but whatever you do, take some action Jomon I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.