If I were to ask your wife if she thinks you show up as your authentic self every day….what would she say?
Would those closest to you say that you are fully living out who you are…..or would they say that they can see you trying to be someone you’re not?
We have this perceived idea of who we “SHOULD” be and who we think our loved ones around us “WANT” us to be…but the reality is, those who truly love us want us to be the highest and most authentic version of ourselves.
In this episode, Doug and Tim touch a bit on The Gap and what it looks like when we aren’t showing up as our true selves and where we can start to step into that person.
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Head over to our https://www.thepowerfulman.com/the-alpha-reset/ page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also, listen on:
Doug Holt 0:00
However, you hear my wife tell me I would rather you physically abused me, hit me, whatever, then have to watch you not be the man that I know that you could be. And this was almost ten years ago that we had that conversation. It stopped me in my tracks because I was trying to be somebody I wasn’t. I was trying to be a nice guy, and there was a gap between where I was and who I was being and the man, husband, I knew I could. I want to invite you. What are those characteristics? What are the attributes that guy has?
Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
I’m good. I just got off the great meeting with the guys. I think it went well.
Doug Holt 0:47
Tim Matthews 0:47
Yeah, very reflective mood, which kind of feeds into what we’ll talk about for a minute, right? Because the reality is, now we see our men in the movement. Rather, we work with experience, exponential shifts all the time. It’s a common occurrence, and there are a reason and the pattern for it. And not surprisingly, the guys on the team have set some goals for themselves this year, individually and collectively, which require an exponential leap, which is great because there’s a gap. And you’re going to do training on that in the Facebook group, and I think this week, there was a gap. And there is an opportunity as well. And I’ve got a great deal of confidence in who we have on the team in our ability. Like I say, we’ve seen it happen consistently. We’ve experienced it, too. So, yeah, it was a great meeting. I’m excited.
Doug Holt 1:52
Yeah, it was a great meeting and something. I think it’s really cool. Just to let the guys know, they’re listening to this is. So we had an all-hands meeting where we bring in everybody, and we have coaches and staff from all over the world. Right? Literally being an international movement, especially when COVID wasn’t here, we are traveling a lot leading seminars and retreats. But you’re getting everybody together. And one of the components that we do is we always we do the typical everybody, “Hey, how you doing?” we do something that has a little bit more about reflection. Then we also do kind of a coaching exercise, how can we help everybody on the team get better, because everybody that’s there, Tim, as you know, is there because they want to be they’re there because they want to serve the men, most everybody on the team is alumni there guys that have owned their own business. And I’ve left that business because going through The Activation Method, or The Alpha Reset, or The Brotherhood or the inner circle, or whatever it may be one of our programs has changed their lives so dramatically that they have been called forward to get back. And it’s really cool too, you know, for me to look and see the guys that are on the screen and have seen some of their journeys, right. We have two women involved as well, and seeing them on there is also fantastic. And they have a different perspective.
They get to see, and they’re involved in the movement. We call it The Powerful Man because they also know what this does for the men out there. And that’s why it’s also cool to see the testimonials from some of the wives that come through the program going in. For guys listening to this, we also obviously have a YouTube channel where this shows up, putting a lot more time and effort into 2021. So great feedback, guys. But we’ll see guys are listening to this, my camera angle paused. And for those around the world that do any business, we’ve almost all done it on zoom right these days. So I think everybody understands and goes through. But one of the things we want to talk about, Tim, is the other you to these guys. And so guys, what I want you to think about here for a second is think about the man you want to be, and I’m not going to go through the gap training here, but the man you want to become. The husband you want to be, the businessman you strive to be, the father that you’ve always wanted to step into. And I would be grateful if you could think about that guy for a minute here. If you’re listening to this in your place, you can pause. Please do right. This is a coaching cue; please pause this and really think about whatever category it is for you. So if your relationship is struggling right now, your marriage, then I want you to think about the husband you want to be. I’m going to use that as my example here, Tim, for the guys, but you can use it in any aspect of your life. And I would be grateful if you could think about that version of yourself. Right? And so maybe it is the loving husband, the husband that you see in the movies, that he’s doing all the things for his wife, etc. Now I’m gonna invite you, first of all, to realize that that guy doesn’t exist.
There’s a version of you, though, that your wife is dying for, like literally dying inside for, and we hear this from the women of the men that go through the pieces of training, right? This is what they were before their man went through The Activation Method. I’ve heard this from my wife, Tim. It literally, she was dying inside. I remember her saying, “I wish I would have you rather physically beat me than have to go through the pain of seeing you not be the man that I knew you could be” like, Whoa and for most guys, I assume I assume most guys, at least for me, I’ve always been raised you never touch a woman never raised a hand, respect. So I would never even consider physically abusing a woman. However, you hear my wife tell me, and I would rather physically abuse me than hit me than have to watch you not be physically not the man I know you could be. And this was almost ten years ago that we had that conversation when she said that, and it stopped me in my tracks. It stopped me in my tracks. Because I was trying to be somebody I wasn’t. I was trying to be a nice guy. And there was a gap between where I was and who I was being. And the man, the husband that I knew I could be. And so guys, as you’re thinking about this, I want you to invite you what those characteristics that that guy has been? What are the attributes that that guy has? And to give you an example to drive this home a little clear. When many of us take on personas, you take on a persona when you’re in a sales call. You take on maybe it’s The Wolf of Wall Street, right? You’re gonna be, and you’re gonna be Jordan Belfort. Right, you’re gonna get on a sales call. You crush it. And maybe it’s when you’re talking to your kids, and you calm down, you take on, well, Will Smith’s character somebody, right? Somebody that’s a little bit more playful and down to earth, you take on these different personas.
And so what I’m gonna ask you to do is, again, using the idea of being a husband, the other guy, who is that person that your wife is craving for? Who’s that persona, that other guy that she knows you are, that you’re just not being? What are the attributes that he has? I can tell you some of them because they’re universal. One is decisive. Right? Are you decisive in your life? In your marriage? Are you sitting on the fence? Another one of them? Are you bold? Are you courageous? Were you taking action in your life? Not only in business, but also in other areas of your life? Are you taking action? Or are you just talking? The talk, rather than walking the walk? Are you getting up and doing your Alpha Rise & Shine? Every morning? Yeah, maybe you miss one or two, but consistently. Are you working out and taking care of your health? Not just for aesthetics, but surely nobody wants to sleep with a marshmallow. Were you taking care of your health? So you’ll be around for a long time? Are you taking care of your health to show that you’re a priority? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you filling your cup doing things that you love? Are you showing respect and admiration to your wife? And when I say respect, you know, I think men and women show me respect differently. Right? So I think for men, you know, respect a big thing that respects most guys’ top three. For women, respect can also be appreciation, love, and taking care of finances, knowing that you’ll catch her when she falls, not if she falls because he’s gonna fall.
That’s the feminine energy wild that you’re going to be strong there, you’re going to be the lighthouse in the storm, standing strong against diversity, whatever may come, and then she knows she can trust you. Do you possess those attributes? We did an exercise with a team, or I read off probably about 7080 attributes long list and added each person to pick out 123 attributes that they wish they had more of. Some said I like to be more appreciative. Some said bolder, something inspirational, Some said organized. But for you guys, as you’re listening to this, what attributes do the others have? And Tim, what I know for me was when I sit back here and reflect when I first got married, and my wife and I are going through a tough time. Right the attributes that I left at the door, the other me, the man she knew I could be, stopped being decisive in the relationship. I stopped being grateful in the relationship. I stopped taking massive action in the relationship. I had these qualities in business, and they were an issue for me in business at all. But my marriage was different. It was like I took on a different persona when I came home. And not when I was happy, vowed, or proud about it, I didn’t know how to change. There wasn’t The Activation Method, and I was effectively deactivated. This other guy that walked in the door, the other version of me ten years ago, that walked in the door wasn’t somebody I was happy to be, wasn’t somebody I was happy about, let alone My wife. And it’s hard for me to expect her to love me when I didn’t love myself, the version of myself I was becoming. I was trying to be a nice guy. I was trying to find a way to make it work.
But I didn’t have this reflective exercise to go through and realize the attributes, what attributes my wife really wants. A lot of these attributes I found for me that my wife really wanted. These are things that we teach within The Powerful Man. What does it mean to be a powerful man? Now every man’s got their own definition. But we have some universal definitions that we use, and we tossed around internally with our guys. I know guys listening to this. Alumni, you, of course, you guys can, but the rest of you who haven’t been through one of our programs can’t see the private community. We don’t show it because obviously, we want to keep everybody’s boundaries and respect everybody’s privacy. After all, they’re sharing so many great things and so many great men in there. But as you listen to this and think about yourself, the gap between who you are now. The new relationship, marriage, and relationship is an example. You can use this in any area. But I’m going to warn you, like guys, businesses are default. So if you’re going to a business, your marriage isn’t great. Go back to marriage. Right? Don’t go to the safe space. Be courageous, be bold. As we think about this, Tim and we talk about where those attributes you want to accentuate are? So I know for me when I look at where I am now, today, right? I’m far from perfect, which I know is a shock to you, Tim, but probably everybody else that listens to this podcast actually knows that I’m far from perfect. And so I look at the gap of Doug Holt today where Doug Holt wants to be right. Part of that is being more decisive in my relationship and right being more decisive. And the reason I want to be more decisive is my attribute is to provide more security and foundation leadership within my family because I’ll abrogate some of those decisions. Because I don’t care. Right? It doesn’t bother me what we do on Saturday. Now go for a hike, go for a bike ride, go out to forget food, do this, do that. Ah, it’s good. I pretty much have 100% control of my life, my schedule. So on a Saturday now, I don’t care. But I think that gap is for me, is being able to go this is what we’re doing as a family. Here’s what we’re going to do. Here’s how we’re going to do it. And here’s what I need everybody to do. Erin, I need you to pack a lunch for everybody. I need to get the kid’s clothes ready. We’re going sledding, what have you. That’s the gap as I see it today. I can also be more fun, right take on that persona of being the CFO. We talked a lot about the chief fun officer in my home and really took that on.
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So as I sit here and think about this, Tim, these gaps as we identify them are really our true personas. They’re easy for us to go through, as you know in business, I’m extremely decisive to the point of annoyance to people. I make a decision. I go. I don’t stop to think about it. It’ll stop to warn everybody. I don’t stop to tell everybody. I move forward. You know, we always got ready, ready, Aim Fire. Right? And you always joke that I fire and stop. I don’t even ready to aim. I was going through it.
Tim Matthews 15:07
They haven’t loaded the gun.
Doug Holt 15:09
Yeah, it just doesn’t. My relationship. It’s different. Right. But why? So we talked about this concept of the other you. Actors have this, there have been tons of books written about it, you know, books way back when where the from Niccolo Machiavelli the prince talks about this to Todd Herman’s Alter Ego effect of stepping into these other personas, actors have been doing it forever—stepping into this other persona. Let’s not really fake it till you make it. It’s really identifying the attributes you have that you want to accentuate and identifying those attributes you want to get rid of. Right? It’s another part of the exercise we didn’t do with the team today. It’s really figuring out that Ideal Husband, in this example that I want to be, what is he not doing? What is he doing more of? What is he doing less of? Right? That comes with his two. I know, since you talk to so many of the men, they talk to our advisors, and our advisors or alumni to get on the phone with the guys make sure, answer questions, and make sure they’re a good fit, that we can help them as you talk to these guys. And you’ve shared with me, a lot of these guys just aren’t being decisive. Right?
Tim Matthews 16:25
Yeah, as a few problems, really, to say problems. The reality is, are you leading the men, the listeners, viewers, whatever, through this exercise, for anyone to identify a trait that they would like to work on? Well, you know, the C’s missing, let’s say that’s within the gap. That’s gonna exist. You’ve got to know that it’s an actual thing. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be in your reality. To be recognized, I want to be more decisive. You’ve also got to recognize that you’re indecisive. So the point I’m making here is that the guys have been indecisive when I say there are problems. Honestly, I think many of the guys have become so jaded by thinking that what everybody else wanted was for them to go and kill it in business. And then when they realize “Hang on a minute,” they start to save everybody, save the staff, solve all the problems because that gives them significance. Because at the end of the day, they’re given so much to the business, they stopped working out, stop looking after themselves, start to feel lethargic, start to feel anxious, and start to feel frustrated themselves. Five agonies are no man’s land, right. And it isn’t easy in that place for somebody to walk in through the door and be a loving, energetic husband. We can use this in what we’re talking about. For you to really and you said something earlier, the reality is a notice for you to flick that switch your focus on relationships, for sure. Don’t go to business, and maybe even focus on yourself too. Because I think you, by focusing on yourself, what characteristics would you love to embody? When you were really floating through life, happy, go-lucky, feeling great. Chances are you are this guy; when you met your wife, chances are you embodied a lot of these characteristics back then.
And you’ve just lost touch with them. That doesn’t mean to say that isn’t who you are, and it is a power of you that you just have stopped using. You know, it’s kind of like, and I use, I use this analogy a lot. I love it. The whole idea of the vision that you see for yourself, you know, who you see yourself to be, is a reality. Your head is a reality he’s in. It says unique to you as a fingerprint, right? And you get to choose it. And a real shocker instead of thinking you’ve got to go through tons of different systems and tons of different books and everything else to change who you are. And it’s going to be really difficult, and you’ve got to change completely, you know, you can actually just set it up in a way whereby you can embody it, maybe use a trigger right. The first thing is to get clear, okay, well, what is the gap? When was a time when I was like this because there was a time you will like this? Otherwise, it just would be completely out of your reality. As I said, he wouldn’t realize it. So there was a time when you will like this. Write that down. What did that time look like? How did you walk? How did you dress? How did you feel? What did you do? Right? And then what can you start doing today? As you finish work earlier, the basis won’t finish your work at five, and I’m going to have more energy on the go to pick up some. I know one of you might have picked up on the way home flowers or dinner or whatever. And I’m going to walk him through the door, and I’m going to surprise my family. And I’m just gonna have fun tonight we’re gonna watch a movie, my phone’s gonna be a way you can do that tonight. Super simple. Does it mean you might not fight the urge to check your phone? Does that mean you might struggle to be present completely? But the more you work this muscle, the stronger it becomes? And the point I’m making here is you don’t need to wait. Oh, well, you know, I’ve got to get this in place and not in place. And the other? No, contracts of size in the past. If I had a gun to your head, you know, what would you do? Why would you do it? Won’t you? There have been other exercises. Doug talks about triggers. Now you can leave the office, change your clothes, tap something above your office. So you get out of one mode into another mode. Circling back on relationships and the same, you know, I can be very easygoing, at times may be hard to believe, but I can be very easygoing at times. That works against me and my relationship. Because it comes across as indecisive, it comes across as being passive. It comes across as being disengaged. So I just started to share an opinion.
It’s working great. He’s producing boundaries. That doesn’t mean it’s always what Amelie wants to hear, but I’m not doing it for something fair to hear, just my opinion. So here it is. So anyway, guys, I think this is a great exercise if you’ve been driving. Come back to this, don’t skip back. It does skip past it. If you’re doing this, great, pause it, rewind it, get cleared. And write this down. It makes it easy to win going into the Facebook community talk about this, which gets posted in there. If you’re watching this on YouTube, leave a comment, be involved in a conversation around this, we’ll get involved with you. It’s a lot easier than you think, a lot easier. The only resistance that you will face is internal resistance. And as the great Marcus Aurelius would say, loving stoicism, By the way, the impediment to action becomes the action. So the obstacle is away, right?
Doug Holt 22:50
You can choose your heart. And I love all this. And I almost don’t want to add anything because that’s a perfect ending point. However, what I want, I think when I’ve talked to men about this, right, how do you do this? Right? How do you get this? You mentioned it, Tim, the Omnicom rituals, but you’ve mentioned triggers. I’m doing it. I remember when I play competitive soccer, my version of competitive, right? Football for you guys anywhere else outside of us. But when I played, you know, many guys had rituals, when they had chalk, I used to touch the chalk line. And do it, rub the top of my fingers. Guys do it all the time, wear the same shirt. I had a guy I played with who was an amazing player. And he would always go to the goal line where the goal is, grab the chalk, and rub it on his cleats. And he was a great goal scorer. You just put the ball in the back of the net like no other man rituals. And one of the things that would happen for him, and I’ll use myself as an example too. But for him, he changed. He was so quiet and laid back, smoked weed, etc., etc. But when he got in the field, he was ferocious, right? When I would get on the field, I get my ritual. There’s no such thing as a 50/50 ball. Right? If that ball is between another guy and me, it’s mine. And I was adamant about it, and I would win it. Is it really the way it worked? It was there’s no question. I changed my persona. And just as easy as any guys listening to sports can relate to this, right? You’re on the basketball court or wherever you are. When you stepped onto that playing field. You changed. A different man embodied you with a different spirit. And for a lot of you guys in the business, if it’s a sales negotiation for you guys are good at sales, you embody something different. You can do the same in other areas. You get to be decisive. We take the men through an exercise to deal with your shadow. That’s an altered persona. Right, that is a different version of this. That’s the opposite of what we’re talking about in the sense of not where you’re going towards. But where do you retract to and go through?
And it’s a powerful exercise that men go through in The Activation Method. And so the first couple of weeks, they go through that, and they get a chance to see what’s going on for them. So, guys, it’s essential to take action. I can guarantee you right now that the man that your wife wants is the guy who takes action. Guarantee, I never heard a woman say, Man, I really wish my husband would not take as much action. I wish you’d be less decisive and hemmed and hawed things have never heard that you know, my wife, coaches, women, so I get to hear the other side of this all the time, as you guys can imagine. So gentlemen, take action. Get into the Facebook group, post, what you’re finding, and it’s one thing to sit here and listen to this. It’s another thing to stop. Think about it. It’s even greater to write it down. You have a kinesthetic connection, putting pen to paper, pencil to paper. But even better than that, a lot better is sharing public declarations of what’s going on. And so I’m gonna invite you to do it, right all of you, if you’re an alumnus, share it in the alumni network. If you’re not yet, go into the free Facebook group and share it there. The only thing stopping you is fear of what other people are gonna think of you. But by declaring it publicly, you will step much quicker into this other persona, this other man. So gentlemen, as always, I want to thank you for being here with us. We absolutely love it. If you’ve been with us for a while, please go ahead and leave a rating wherever you’re listening to this, right. As we push things and go through and get things out there. We want to make sure other men just like you have an opportunity to join in the conversation. We really enjoy it. And of course, if it’s your first time being with us, well, you probably don’t know. But if you go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus, that’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. You can get that Reignite Cheatsheet. It’s our way of giving you something to try, no strings attached. Check it out, get the download, actually work the methodology as you always hear me talk about doing the work. This is not an educational master patient, guys. Don’t just listen to this and go on to the next thing. Actually, Try it. Try it for yourself. Make sure it works. We’ve got tons of testimonials. Hundreds of men have used these things successfully to change their marriages and change their lives. We want the same thing going for you. So gentlemen, as always, have an amazing, amazing rest of your day. Take some action. We’ll see you next time.