Episode #574
Is your wife connecting with her family more now? Is she meeting with her friends more now without you?
She’s starting to build a relationship with them without you now probably because she feels lonely or unhappy. Probably she’s scared that you might get a divorce. She’s doing it so that she knows she has a safe landing spot.
You have to know the situation. Your wife probably wants more attention from you…that’s why she’s creating that space away from you. She wants to feel connected, desired and listened to. You need to look at the energy that you’re bringing in, or else she’s going to fill that void with her friends, with her family, or with another guy.
You have to make sure you understand the warning signs. Be a man, you need to take action now.
In this episode, you will learn the importance of understanding the warning signs of a drifting marriage so you can act on them right away.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Doug Holt 0:00
If your wife is pulling away, especially if she’s pulling away and going to her friends and family, she’s probably distancing herself from you. The relationship isn’t working out. She’s starting to untangle slowly. And what I mean by that, guys, is the chances are she’s beginning to build a case with her family and relatives, the people that if you guys get divorced and separate that she’s going to be around, she’s building a relationship with him without you.
Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The powerful man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:41
Is my camera on?
Doug Holt 0:48
Always follow my lead. It’s just the camera. It’s all good. You look great, buddy. You look great, and I know you ordered new office equipment, new computer screens, and a new desk, a new setup for the whole nine that did arrive?
And most of it. Some of it got delivered to the old place because it also populated the address to get it carried down. But I’m hoping that by next week, we’re recording a setup, which should be so sweet if that is the case. So we shall see
Tim Matthews 1:21
A lot of problems with things getting delivered to the wrong address over there. It’s funny, and I’ll take a picture and show you my setup. I don’t know if you’ve seen my full setup before. in all its glory. it’s hard to describe, and you can we can see each other people watching this on YouTube can. But I can share the screen. But it is awesome having just a panel of screens and a supercomputer. But I’m very grateful. I’m very grateful, fortunate, and very blessed to have this. So Tim, today I want to talk about a question that I got from one of our guys currently going through the program. And he just started being a great guy. Fantastic. business leader. Of course, that’s who we work with. And so he was just frustrated. He’s like, man, Doug, my wife, and this is recently for him. So basically, what’s happening is his wife will get on and FaceTime her family, right? Get on talk to a mom and dad or brother or sister and FaceTime them regularly. It’s COVID, etc., but it leaves him out of it. Right? The kids are included. He walks into the room. She says goodbye hangs up, or keeps talking and doesn’t like, hey, Jim’s here. His name is not Jim, but he doesn’t include him in that mix. Now the family’s extremely important to her. However, he’s not included. And he’s like, man, and she says it’s an accident. But a little time, you start wondering what’s going on here? Like what’s happening? So I started probing a little deeper with him. I started asking him, “What’s going on?”, “How’s the marriage?”, “How’s your relationship?”, He said, “It’s okay. Things are alright.” Now, he’s going through The Activation Method right now. So things have improved. But he came in because the marriage was hurting. There are a couple of other things going on as well. And so I started talking to him about it. And he described the scene reminded me of something that happened with Erin, and I write when Erin and Erin are my wives, for those that don’t know, when Erin and I were going through a rough time, right. And she’s very attached to our family, very family-oriented. I married her because I came from a broken family, parent’s divorce, etc… Her love of family and her strength with the family ideology, I guess, knowing that we were going to have kids or at least tried to have kids at the time together was one of the things I thought, “Okay, this woman is worth marrying.” For me, it was a decision, a deciding factor. And I remember when we were going through a hard time, Aaron was doing something similar like this where she was connecting more with her family and leaving me out of those connections. So the same thing was happening. Now, this guy is going through COVID, so his wife probably feels more isolated than she has before, and she can’t see her family. And so what I told them was going on, we’ve started to dissect this. I’m guessing a few other guys listening to this can relate to your wife pulling away. Now, especially if she’s pulling away and going to her friends and family. She’s probably distancing herself from you. If the relationship isn’t working out, she’s starting to untangle slowly. And what I mean by that, guys, is chances aren’t it’s not always. Still, chances are, she’s starting to build a case with her family and her relatives, the people that if you guys get divorced and separate that she’s going to be around. She’s building a relationship with them without you now. And the reason she’s doing that one she’s lonely. But two is she’s doing it. So she knows she has a safe jump-off spot, a safe landing space. Right? So she’s scared. Your relationships are not working out, and things aren’t going well. She’s super lonely. What’s going to happen? She’s considering divorce, considering separation, perhaps. And that’s what this guy was telling me. Right? So now, Oh, shoot, what if I leave him? Alone? I’m a single woman with these kids and a divorce, say? And what are my parents going to say? What are my friends going to say? So she starts building a narrative for him. Without him, she starts building a relationship with him. So that leap to being a single woman, a divorcee, right? She can land on a safe spot where the story is, “He was a jerk,” he was this he was that he was unattentive whatever it is. And she may not even be saying mean things. They know that she’s unhappy. They love her, and they’re in a relationship with her. If she’s unhappy, they’ll go, it’s his fault, etc., etc. So she’s creating a space. Now before I go into how to get out of this. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Doug Holt 6:20
Yeah, I bet this has gone on quite a while right now. Yeah. Anyway, they must suck to be in that position now, especially because it works both ways because obviously, the guy might be working from home. Now work has been where they’ve escaped going out the door and going into the office and being the man and getting all that significance and all that fun stuff. And then trying to replicate that on Zoom, it’s just not going to have the same effect, and then coming out of your home office and walking into the living room and feeling isolated and left out, it’s going to suck, right. And at the same time, if you find yourself in this position, guys, we’re going to dive into how to get out of it. But I would be engaging with her; just get a temperature check of where you’re at as well, right? Because she may not be including you, because she’s just not thought to include you. Are you busy, or she’ll want to burden you or whatever? If you start to ask her, “What did your mom say?” And she’s like, “Oh, yeah, nothing, just the usual.” And you go, okay, but you must have said something, and she’s not opening up, then you know that she most likely is untangling you might think, maybe she’s tired. No homeschooling; maybe that’s what you’re doing. Maybe she’s tired, which might be true. If it were me in that instance, I would make some suggestions at some other times, where it may even be suggested, “Hey, how about we get together with everybody on zoom?” And really get a good temperature check for where I am actually at? What is the plan here? Because I think you’ve got to know where you are. Before we go into the next day, I imagine anyway, of how to get out of it. So yeah, I’m all ears on the next part.
Tim Matthews 8:20
Yeah, so I agree with you. But also add a caveat here. So for many men, in my opinion, and we’ll do this on another podcast, and what’s the difference between alpha and beta? Because a lot of people get that wrong. But a lot of guys, in my opinion, have not been leading the relationship. And so if they come across, guys, if you come across too needy and too suspicious of the situation, you’re falling right into the beta trap, so to speak, where she has to be dominant, right? Because you’re coming across as needy. That Tim I know. Yes. Not what you meant. And I know it’s not an issue for you. But for a lot of guys, it is right. They’ve been the nice guy. And they’ve been needy. So they come across, you know, “Hey, babe, how come every time I come up here, you’re on the phone with your mom,” she’s on the phone with your wife; that’s a whole other kink. But you’re on the phone with your mom, your dad, your cousin, whatever, whoever it is. And I come in, and you shut it down, or you ignore me, right? This guy was saying his kids are a little bit older. I think they’re in their teens. Right? And then I’d be preteens. And so she’ll move the phone around and talk about the kids, and he might even be with the kids. But he’s out of the conversation out of the picture. Right? In his mind, the phone was being pointed to kids with him deliberately cut out now. It’s a story. But these things are happening; one thing you can do is be dominant and insert yourself. Just insert yourself into it. “Hey, what’s up?” You know, Gregor, Hey, what’s up to her parent’s name and say hi and insert yourself as if you don’t notice anything and you don’t care. Right? Start there and see what happens. The next thing we want to look at is if the reason is well, let’s go back to why she’s doing this we talked about; she’s scared. She’s creating distance because she’s scared. She’s scared that you guys are going to separate. She’s lonely. And she’s trying to create space away from you. Most men do what I did early on; this is now ten years ago or so almost. But it’s early on, and it’s a turn away. Right? And you and I’ve talked about this privately, Tim, right. It’s a natural thing for almost all guys. Your wife pushes away or shuts down; we push away to boom, well, screw you, I’m out. Opposite. So what I learned is you do the opposite you turn in. It’s almost like there’s a storm. You know, it’s a huge hurricane coming your way. The natural reaction is to turn and get the hell out of there. But that’s the opposite thing to do in a marriage relationship. Instead, if you want to be powerful in it, you turn towards the storm, and you walk right into the eye of the storm. Right, confidently. That changes the whole situation.
Doug Holt 11:10
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other business people, just like you, are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
Doug Holt 11:27
Then after that, go ahead.
It didn’t go a particular way. I don’t want guys to listen to this. Like, right, I’m walking into this storm, and then this gets worse. But there’s a way to do it, which you got into right now.
And I’m not going to go into all the details of how to do it, guys. We’ve done a lot of podcasts on this, and we’d be doing it for a long time if you want to learn the whole thing. I mean, we have an eight-week course on how to do it. But I am not saying that because I’m trying to hold anything back. It’s just a big conversation. It doesn’t take you to don’t get all of a sudden to go “Okay, cool. Now I’m gonna walk into the eye of the storm, and everything’s gonna be great”. No, but you stand in your power. And you move that way. We’ve had guys that haven’t been through the program, and they’re in the Facebook group that we’ve because we give all the information away for free. We’re giving everything away to the guys, all of you; this is a movement of men, right? The course structure and I’m going off on a tangent here, and the course structure is a guaranteed way to get you there, guaranteed will get you there, right. But you can pick up bits and pieces and put things together. And hopefully, it clicks for you. Awesome. We love it. And that’s what we want. So for this situation, if she’s moving away and you’re feeling it, you want to insert yourself into that conversation. Now you can sit down and talk to her. Maybe you’re at that place in your relationship, which is doubtful for most people in the situation where you can say, “hi, I just want to let you know that it hurts my feelings when I come upstairs. And it feels to me as if this is happening” now what is occurring? For me, it reminds me of my childhood when my mom did it.
Tim Matthews 12:13
It would provide me with if you include me.
Doug Holt 13:30
These are all formulas that a counselor will give you, and psychologists and relationships don’t work in this situation. Guarantee it unless you guys are further along in your relationship. You’ve done the work together. You’ve been through this shit together. You’ve come out the other side, and you’re a polished diamond going through the coal, right? Now, most of you guys aren’t there, right? And I get that you’d have to be doing this work for years to be in that place where you go through the whole formula that it’s funny. Tim and I have some. We’ve sure we’ve heard similar ones. But you want to be there, and you want to be an ice storm. You got to realize what’s going on? Does your wife need more attention from you, more affection from you? Probably. And are you following? Are you walking around coming out of your office, your home office, wherever it may be? With a ball of stress walking into the house in the living room? “I can’t believe it. I was on a call with Tim and that jerk. You know what he did is just ranting and raving, and you throw this,” and you go back down. It’s like the Tasmanian devil. My wife used to describe it. It’s like you come in from the office, and you’re, you’re in this masculine energy. She told this to me. And you’re there to conquer, and you come in, and I’m in my flow, and you tear things up like a Tasmanian devil, and you leave, and she’s like, then I’m all anxious and not sure what to do with all of that. To me, I’m just talking here.
Tim Matthews 14:53
Did you get the problem with that? Yeah. What?
Doug Holt 14:56
So I mean, you want to look at the energy you’re bringing into the situation. If she’s truly lonely, that’s a whole nother thing, guys, because she’s going to fill that void with our friends, with our family, with you, or another guy. There’s that guy from high school, and it’s on Facebook or whoever it is hitting her up on messenger on Instagram, or what have you. It seems provocative women are much better at hiding it than we are guys, much better. Maybe it’s on LinkedIn or Twitter, or telegram a million ways of doing it. Right. And most apps have vanishing messages on telegrams. If you see this within three seconds, the message will vanish, and there’s no record. So, the point being she’s going to fill it up now if it’s not loneliness, per se, and she’s just really looking at jumping ship. This is a sign. You need to make that ship that she’s looking to jump more attractive if you want to keep her. We talked about this in another episode, Tim, of what’s the one thing you can do to combat the title save a sexless relationship? or what have you listened to that guy and follow that plan? Immediately, immediately. Today. Now, make sure you’re doing those things. Now there are cases where the relationship is not it’s not salvageable, right? Either. She doesn’t want to, you don’t want to, or both don’t want something to happen. It’s not there. The Mojo is not there. She’s given up, and you’ve given up, etc. But you want to make sure you understand the warning signs. Right? Just like if I see smoke billowing out of my kitchen. Probably a fire. Probably an issue in there, right. So I know what to do. Grab a fire extinguisher, go in there, make sure it’s taken care of open windows, etc., etc. Same thing with your relationship. We’re just not taught this stuff. Right? If she’s ignoring you or cutting you out of the picture. That is the billowing smoke coming out of your kitchen. It would be best if you took action. It would be best if you took action now. This is not the time to sit by the wayside and pout. “Why did she not include me?”, “Why’s her family not my family?” No. Get over it. You’re a man. Right? Those are things that my toddler would say. So it’s time to, and I’m not trying to be harsh, guys. I’m just trying to wake you up so you don’t get to the situation that this gentleman is going through. Or worse, which we’ve seen his guys come to us. When this has been happening for over a year, the woman all of a sudden feels very safe to jump, and she finds another guy. Right? Her friends are helping her look, and her friends have already disconnected from him. The parents have already disconnected from him. Everything’s been put in place. And so it’s straightforward for her to make a safe landing somewhere else. It’s not because she wanted to, by the way, because most women don’t want to. It’s just because she saw no alternative. Mm-hmm.
Tim Matthews
Yes. Felt connected, desired. Listen to all of our stuff, and it’s emotive. Yeah, we teach The Activation Method without making me sound like a plugin, like baking a cake. You’ve got recipes in the ingredient, your ingredients in the recipe rather. And you mess up the flour, the cake doesn’t rise, you mess out the jam, and the cake is tasteless. So the way the hidden motives technique works and the Live Like A King system and all those fun things is they all work together. Live Like A King system. You listen to the last podcast episode that includes some of that stuff, which is great. That’s going to pick her attention. Let’s say she’s doing these zooms with a family. It’s like, “Hey! head stuff out for a run”. You’re not bothered. Hmm. Strange. He’s not been out for a run for a year. You don’t make a big fanfare of it. You have up for a run.
Doug Holt
Or you don’t say anything? You just go for a run.
Tim Matthews
Yeah. With a kid, she’s on Zoom. You got out for a run.
Doug Holt
The kids can survive.
Tim Matthews
There’s no smoke booming out the kitchen right now.
Doug Holt
Yeah
Tim Matthews
Then obviously, the Motives Technique, that’s going to give you a way to connect with her. So she feels part of the reason she’s connected with the family in this way. Yeah, she’s no, like you said, looking to untangle and maybe jump ship. Also, partly because of that, she’ll be connecting with them, and it feels so good. She’s getting her emotional needs met, some of them met anyway. And that’s going to validate her because she’s going to jump into that conversation and feel great. Jump off and go into conversation with you. And there’s a distinct contrast there. I was right, and he doesn’t get me. He doesn’t get it. Would it be easier, would it be happier, you know, a lot of fun stuff. So anyway, the hidden motives technique could give you a way to do that. And then obviously, the Clean Slate Method. I’m not going to go through all the tools, but anyway, you get the gist. So yeah, I think like you’ve said that the warning signs, you got it. Be aware of that smoke. Is she excluding you? Is she not wanting to talk about what God said? Is she doing it when you’re not around? Is she also there on the phone a great deal? Let’s say when she’s off the zooms, he sits down in the evening, and she’s just on the phone. Or maybe she’s taking herself to another room to read a book. Maybe you guys are eating dinner at different times going to bed at that. All these different warning signs will also feed into this. Because sometimes, that got left off a resume is sometimes a final warning sign. You got some work to do if you’re in that position.
Doug Holt
Absolutely. So guys, like the smoke communication, heed the warning signs. Not all smoke, though, is a fire. Sometimes someone just burned some stuff. So it’s okay. Just make sure you get in there and check it out, though—either way. You want to make sure you’re on top of things just like in business, right? These apply just too much to businesses, and they do relationships coming through these. These are all holistic in their senses. Gentlemen, if this is your first time with us, or you haven’t been over there, which I can’t believe you haven’t, go ahead and go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus and get the Reignite Cheatsheet, I believe is what we have up there. Tim, try it out. We’re giving it to you for free. It’s just something for you to try to help reignite your fire in your relationship without the smoke and get that going in there. If you haven’t already, please leave us a review. Tell other men as you find us here. Tim and I love jumping on here and doing these recordings. We love the questions and comments we’ve been getting from you guys. And keep those coming along as well. So we know what topics you guys want to talk about. Because otherwise, Tim and I get in here. And we just chat. And hopefully, that’s helpful for you guys as well because that’s why we do it. Anyway, gentlemen, have an amazing day. As always, take action. We’ll see you next time.
