In this episode, Doug and Tim discuss a father’s regrets and the importance of giving your time and presence to your family.
Fathers are builders because they build something for their family and their future. They are often away from their family to hustle and make money so that someday they can do all things with their loved ones. But…what happens is they wake up one day realizing how much time has passed.
We talk about the importance of providing emotionally. Giving your partner, your kids, your family & friends your quality time. Being physically and emotionally present for them is beyond any amount of money because it is the memory and legacy you leave.
This is a wake-up call to start making a change. Recognize your priorities as a father and set your life up by your priorities.
Spend quality time with your kids, play with them while you still can, appreciate, and educate them because these are the values that will be instilled in them as they grow old…not the money as their priority.
In this episode you will learn:
- The importance of quality time and presence
- Importance of proving emotionally for the family
- Knowing your priorities as a father
- Matching your calendar with your priorities
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Tim Matthews 0:02
I think the biggest regrets that we hear from the fathers we work with around time and presence, not having either the time to spend with the two families or if they do have the time is not having the presence to be there and enjoy the time that you spend with them.
Doug Holt 0:23
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, how’s it going, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:32
Yeah, very good. Very good. I don’t tell you this. But I have just bought a Garmin watch to track all my fitness and activities. I’ve got the aura ring to track my sleep because I’ve recognized that rest and recovery is such a huge component for me to be in my best shape. And both in business and outside the business. Anyway, I bought the Garmin watch to track my productivity in the gym, calories, activity, etc. And I’ve hooked it up to My Fitness Pal. So I’m tracking all my food through there, weighing it all and what have you, and it has linked up to the watch and the activity. You know how much I love tracking. So that excites me just in itself. I opened up the app and saw all these stats, and the Garmin app is just awesome. Yeah, I’m excited about my health. I love the one negative right now, Doug, is I’ve only got 900 calories to spend between now and the rest of the day. I’m going to spend those 900 calories wisely. It’s fascinating what goes on in your mind as you start to track things and get clear. And it’s amazing how easy it is to go over your calories as well.
Doug Holt 1:52
Well, the jury’s still out on calories. But we can talk about that another time, calories versus macros. But, Tim, I’m looking forward to you mailing me my Garmin and my aura ring. I’m already looking forward to that and appreciate it in advance as they come in. Today, the topic on the table, Tim, is something a little unusual for us to talk about in the sense that really what we want to talk about are the regrets of a father and many of the men we work with our dads. We’ve talked about this before you, and I talk about it all the time because we’re coaching these men. But what do you think of when you hear the regrets of a father?
Tim Matthews 2:30
What do I think of when I hear the regrets of a father? We’ve put a post in The Brotherhood while you put a post in the brother workplace yesterday, didn’t you? And he got a phenomenal response from the men. And the image that comes to mind for me is that the men’s story has been on the deathbed. I think it was a study by a nurse or somebody who had spent a lot of time with these people in palliative care in their dying. Yeah, yeah. A lot of their regrets wall around, wasting time with people that they love. Many of them were around not having the conversations with the people who loved them and wanted to have expressed their love to them—bringing it back to the regrets of father things that we hear so often, that they struggle to appreciate their children. One guy, in particular, I’m thinking of, and I’m sure you’ll know, he isn’t told this story. But at The Alpha Reset, he was saying how he’s got, two boys. One of his boys would come up to him and want to sit on his knee and play with him at the end of his working day or even the weekend. He is like, “Get off me! Get off me!” and pushing him off him because he didn’t have the capacity, emotionally or mentally, to handle that. I said to him, “Look, there’s gonna come a time very soon, where he’s gonna be too big to sit on your knee he’s not gonna want to sit on your knee. cherish those moments”. And when he starts to consider it from another perspective of wow, this will end, there’s going to come a time when he wants to be all over me and jump on my knee and him looking at me as a hero. Hopefully, that will never end, but no, in the sense of a kid, it’s going to come to an end. And I think the biggest regrets that we hear from the fathers we work with around time and presence, not having either the time to spend with the family or if they do have the time is not having the presence to be there and enjoy the time that you spend with them.
Doug Holt 4:56
So true. I mean, the posts I put in The Brotherhood have to do with the famous song. I think it’s Harry Chaplin, Cat Stevens, and cats in the cradle, right? And as the song goes talks about the father being so excited. And the thing is, the third verse goes something along the lines, like “My son turned 10, just the other day. He said, thanks for the ball, Dad, come on, let’s play. Can you teach me to throw? I said, Not today. I got a lot to do. He said That’s okay. He smiled, he walked away, but a smile never dimmed. I said I’m going to be like him. Yeah, I’m going to be like him”. And that gets me choked up as a father, often when I hear that, because, as men, we’re builders often, right? And that’s why there’s an attraction to the hustle, and there’s the attraction to putting ourselves last. Because we’re building something for our families. We often sell self-sacrifice, and it doesn’t have to be just fathers as men. We do this in general, but as fathers, the ante goes up quite a bit. Because I for myself, and when I’m single, I can sleep on a friend’s couch, pop a tent, and you can do whatever you need to do, and you’re okay with it to some degree. But when you have a family, that’s, it’s a big difference. You have a life that innately you’re biologically programmed to protect. When I hear that, and the fathers, the regret we often hear is the dads go to work to hustle, right, and that’s where they start getting their love and gratification. And often, what ends up happening is by their absence, being away from the family to hustle and really to provide for the family.
They take a back seat and prioritize their eyes because the child is spending so much time with the mother or girlfriend or whoever it is, is taking care of the child while he’s working. That obviously, the child has a natural association with that person right there. They’re biologically programmed to be around and love and care for the person who’s caring for them. So when I hear that quote, “My son turned ten just the other day. I said thanks for the ball,” the gift the dads gave him right, that’s what men do. We work hard; we’ll give you a gift the son wants if he teaches me to throw it in the desert. It is not today; I got a lot to do. And so when we think about it, from a father’s regret standpoint, why do we as men, and as fathers, I can speak for that, hustle such hard work so hard, right? We do it to provide for our family, and often, so someday, we can now play catch with our son, someday when the business is working well. When we have enough money in the bank, someday we’ll take time off and teach our son to throw or play catch or do those things. And what often happens Tim, I find, especially with the men we work with, and certainly with men in general, is you wake up one morning, or frequently for us guys, it’s late at night and with a cocktail in our hand or something along those lines are 3 am just waking up and not falling back to sleep regret of realizing the time has passed, someday has passed. And it’s not until as men we realize that there’s a wake-up call, right? It’s time to change it now. It’s not someday, and it’s not tomorrow. It’s now. And that’s when we see men taking action. And that’s when we see these guys take these regrets and turn them into fuel that allows them to be there. So that someday becomes now that “Hey, Dad, we throw a ball with me” becomes not, I got a lot to do that has to do with anything else we talk about recognizing priorities. And I know you’ve seen this in your life, and it plays out in a lot of areas. But we look at a father’s regrets. This is the biggest one I see.
Tim Matthews 9:06
Yeah, it’s almost like, “Hey, Dad, will you teach me how to throw?” Like, almost “Thank you! Wow, of course!” obviously, I don’t have children yet. And I have all these ideas of the father that I would love to be, and obviously, time will tell. But yeah, I do not want to be in a position where I have those regrets. And it has been to let us work with men who have children of all ages—infants, toddlers, right up until 15, 16, 17. One of the men who recently joined was like you went into the program, and he started to understand the two versions of him and Became aware of his shadow and detaching from it. He then realized how much of his shadow he saw in his kids as well. And one of the biggest regrets for him was his kids. Were then playing out the same story in hurts and wounds and beliefs that he’s been playing out too. And he said, how do I read if my kids have their shadow? Because I feel like my shadow was being impressed upon them. And I was like, “wow,”
Doug Holt 10:38
Hmm. Yeah, we see it time and time again. People talk about the men that wake up. When we talk about waking up, it’s almost like being unplugged from the movie, The Matrix for the men that wake up. That’s when they realize that someday has passed often, they’ll look at their kids, and they’ll go, Oh, crap, right, and these other words than crap, but though, they’ll say, Wow, they are turning into just like them, right? They’re doing the same behaviors, even at a very young age. We’ve had men talk about crying that their children are acting out or are treating others the same way that they treat them, right, whether it be their mother or their spouse, or one gentleman we have, as had anxiety issues in the past. And what triggered him is he saw his daughters having extreme anxiety at a very young age, just like dad does. And we go back to that, that that cat’s in the cradle song ends with kind of this, the father now has time, right? He’s retired. And now that is someday for him. Someday I’ll be able to hang with my son, and he’s retired. But his son has moved away, started his own family. And so he reaches out to his son. And the son says, Hey, Dad, I love to find the time you see my new jobs, a hassle, and the kids have the flu. But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad, it’s been sure nice talking to you. And that’s when the dad hangs up the phone and occurs to him, wow, his son grew up to be like me. And now his son doesn’t have time for him. And that’s how we see this playing out in this cycle. And Tim, you and I know, and I want to share this with people listening. When we go through how to reset, we do some deep exercises. We see these cycles have played out generation over generation over generation until somebody dares to be vulnerable and step up and raise their hand and say no more.
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Tim Matthews 13:36
True, that money cannot buy these, these kinds of values now often we pin someday because when I get to that point, I’ll have a certain amount of money and a certain amount of freedom. But there are families that I can think of. I don’t know if you’ve seen this, Doug, but I’ve seen it a lot in my time in the UK. From time to time, I come across some very underprivileged families, often their families, the immigrants to the UK that they’re not born in the UK although the kids might be born in the UK or may have come to the UK at a very young age. And we will see them playing out at the local park. Like I say, we speak to some of them. And every time the sun is shining, they’re all out there, the entire family around that. Playing cop char TIG or whatever is tagged Ruby, whatever it is. They’re all they’re just having fun laughing, smiling, and the family values they appear to have. When I’ve spoken to them about their ethos around their family, they don’t have a lot of money. They don’t have a surplus amount of cash. They can’t take extravagant holidays or rely on material possessions. But their family unit is so loving and connected. And for me, that goes above and beyond any amount of money.
Doug Holt 15:29
Oh, yeah. And we see that to Tim in the States, right? Many families that don’t have money take advantage of the public park systems and things like that. And actually, remember somebody turning to me one time, somebody who’s very wealthy, and saying, that’s what I want my family to bond to hang out to get together and come together. And as you said, no amount of money can do that. And we look at being a father, what, what is, what is being a father? Right? It’s kind of what we talked about in The Powerful Man, what is a man with a modern man? It’s a modern, powerful man. And each man listening to this and woman should be able to answer that question themselves. It’s a tough question. And to take it a step further, what’s a powerful father? And what does that mean? And my guess is the men listening to this when they write down their priorities as a father, number one, two, or three is not going to be making more money. Right? Yet, that’s probably the focus on their calendar. We often say to a powerful man, show me your calendar, and I’ll show you your priorities. Right? And if we’re looking at this, and if you are a father listening to this, I invite you to look at your calendar. Where is your kids’ calendar in? Where are they on your calendar? Now, this may sound stoic, or maybe even cold. But the truth is, you’re blocking off time to make them a priority. Because if you don’t block off that time, Tim, you and I know, somebody else will take that over.
The demands on our time you and I alone, coming from businesses we consult, come from the group’s men coming from growing the movement. I mean, we could have our calendar filled if we gave everybody else the option to do so. So, men listening to this, I would invite you, what is it? First of all, what are the top five? What are your top five rules? Or Said another way? To be a great father? With top-five priorities? It’s protecting your kids. But what does that mean? And are you protecting them emotionally? Are you giving them a role model for which to model your daughters is often said to marry? Either someone like their father if they love their father, or they’ll do everything they can to avoid that man, and your sons will grow up most likely to be like you. So what do you want them to do? How do you want them to treat your grandkids? Right? Is it money? Or is it time quality? Are you educating them and continuing to better yourself? So I invite you to look at your calendars, gentlemen, and where are your priorities truly shown? If I look at it, if Tim looks at it, and we grab it, and we’re looking at your calendar, do we see your family? Calendered in there? Do we see time off? Are you hustling? Are you in hustle mode? And if so, why? Why are you doing? Are you doing it to give a better life for your kids? Are you doing it just to stroke your ego? There is a better way. So I invite you to look at that and look at your priorities and do they match, and if they’re not matching, this is just like someone saying, hey, I want to lose weight yet. I’m drinking beer every night and pizza. Right there incongruent
Tim Matthews 18:50
I love what you say, and there’s another side to this as well that we speak a lot. You taught me a lot on this other aspect of this conversation that’s birth. You set your life up so that you could wake up and be there for your buddy and wrestle with him on a morning and do all the great things. And that’s something that I admire and admired about you but many years ago when Bodhi was born. And you can have both. You can have the money in the business and the time and the presence for your kids. However, suppose as Doug says in any calendar. In that case, your priorities are all about business because you’ve fallen into the trap of it’s not your fault, you’ve fallen into the trap of what society tells you to do, which is to provide me a man it’s got to be financial. That’s one way in which to provide is, in my opinion, by no means the most important way to provide for asking your wife or even your kids very much. Dow will rank that high on their list; first and foremost, it will probably be emotional. You get to provide for those people that you love emotionally. And now, like Doug was saying, again and instill those values as a role model, what do you want them to model? I love what you said about grandkids. How would you want them to treat your grandkids? I mean, wow. Talk about legacy; how would you want them to treat your grandkids? That’s huge.
Doug Holt 20:30
Yeah, I’m not saying by any means. I love money. I love making money. I think you can in the world of and right what we’re talking about here, and it doesn’t have to be this or that. Except I believe that you can’t have the long term hustle mentality, you can’t be a grinder and do 12 hour days, six days a week, and still have enough energy and time to have a quality connected relationship with your children. I’ve never seen that work out well yet, to a high level for their seasons for everything, right. Sometimes, there are seasons where we have to put in a little extra work and effort. But over the long haul, what is it you want to do? So coming out of this call, guys, I’m going to challenge you to do two things. Three things make it three, three of my favorite numbers. So let’s do three. One is what are the top five? Right? Top Five? Well, you’d say the ideals of a father. Right? And what I mean by ideals, I’m not romantic. But think about your childhood, like what did you want as a child? And how did your father? What were the things he did right or wrong? But for you as a father, what if you’re not a father? You should still write these down. Things will change when you become a parent, just like they do when we always have our best plans and ideas. What are those top five things? Right? Is it providing money? And if it is, How much? I don’t be specific. If it’s spending time with your children, what does that mean to you?
As Tim said, I wake up, and I wrestle with Bodie. We have a three-story house we’re in now we travel all over the world. And I was just upstairs wrestling with Bodhi. We have a new truck for his birthday. And we’re playing with it. And it was fun. So what is your What are your priorities here? And then, step two, look at your calendar, be honest with yourself, and do your calendar reflect those priorities. And if not, it’s time for a change, I would suggest. In Step three, I’m going to encourage you to hold yourself accountable by posting your findings in The Activation Method, Facebook group. And the reason I encourage you to do this is twofold. One is by making a public declaration of what you found, and it is going to encapsulate further and push you to make the change. And the second reason to do this is you will gain brothers along this journey and inspire other people to make the changes they need. Most people are their lawyers. There are two types of men, right that is going to listen to this. We often talked about this. Often, this type of man will listen to this and go on to the next podcast, keep driving their car working out, or what have you. And they’re going to forget about this conversation. And tomorrow, they’ll have something else. There’s someday like the cat that got the song, the Cat Stevens song, there’s someday, it will be next year, and it’ll be the next year. It’ll never come till it’s too late. Then the other type of man is a man that’s going to hit pause and take action right now. And that man is going to get results. And that man is going to make a public declaration in the Facebook group. So that’s my challenge to you guys. I’m publicly calling you out and challenging you right now who you are. And I’d love to see what you get.
Tim Matthews 23:56
I love it. I love it. I’m excited to see you take your challenge.
Doug Holt 24:01
So Jim, anything you want to leave in closing for these men?
Tim Matthews 24:05
I’m excited to see who takes the challenge and see what shows up in the group. Right. I’m genuinely excited to see that I am.
Doug Holt 24:14
Yep. All right, guys. That’s it for us today. A great topic, Tim. Thanks so much. And we will see you next episode. Have an amazing day, guys.