Episode #843
In this episode, we dive deep into the dynamics of a struggling marriage and uncover the secrets to rekindling love and connection. If you’ve ever felt your relationship slipping away or questioned if you married the right person, this episode is for you.
Join us as we explore the journey of a man who transforms himself and, in doing so, reignites the spark in his marriage. Discover what happens when he starts showing up as the best version of himself consistently. The shift in his energy doesn’t go unnoticed by his wife, who starts to feel safe and drawn to him again, creating a magnetic pull towards each other.
We’ll tackle the tough questions men often face: “Do I exit this marriage?” and “Is it really true that I don’t care anymore?” Learn how to navigate the rift that has grown over time, how to reclaim your power, and how to lead your relationship with certainty and strength.
In this episode, you’ll also hear a heartfelt story about a man who, despite his efforts, felt his marriage was on the brink. With guidance and a shift in perspective, he realized that showing up consistently as his best self could change everything. His story is a testament to the transformative power of commitment and self-improvement.
Don’t miss out on practical advice and actionable steps to bring the passion back into your marriage and build a stronger, more connected relationship. Tune in now and take the first step towards transforming your marriage and becoming the powerful man you were meant to be.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
She’s looking at him and saying, Hmm, he’s sad, he’s angry, he’s pulling away, he seems to have one foot out, he’s not being consistent. But what happens when all of a sudden he starts being consistent? What happens when he starts really filling his own cup, what happens when he starts showing up to the best version of himself consistently, she now is looking over there, and she’s not as afraid. She’s like, Oh, he’s in he’s here. So she starts to come closer to him, like a magnet, right? The polarity starts to be created, like a magnet, she starts to come closer and closer to him and starts following him. Because the story of him leaving the story of him being disconnected, the story of him shutting down goes away.
Do you feel like you’ve married the wrong woman? Or maybe it’s just at a point in your marriage, where you just don’t know if it’s gonna work out? And you want to know, hey, do I just exit? Look, I get this question all the time, or a variation of this question. And usually what happens is the marriage has degraded to such a level that there’s a rift between you and your wife. And that rift doesn’t happen all of a sudden, but usually happens over time. And I had such a similar conversation with one of our guys today about this. And, you know, looking back retrospectively, this has been going on for about a month for him. Now, I know, that doesn’t seem like a long time. But previous to that had been over a year, and he had really worked on building things up. But now he was back in a place of like, I just don’t even care. I’m indifferent at this point. And when you’re indifferent, you know, really what you’re thinking about is, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care if this is going to work out. And is that really true? And we think about whether is it really true that you don’t care anymore. You really are not. Because if you really don’t care, then you shouldn’t be in that relationship. But odds are that you’ve been hurt so bad, or it’s been, it’s just been so much disconnect for a while, that you’re no longer going to let it bother you to the level it does. Now, one way you can look at this is, hey, if your wife was to all of a sudden be loving, would you want to be in that relationship? And if the answer is yes, then you do care, right? It’s just not going your way. And for this person, this gentleman I was talking to, I saw a pattern that I recognize and a lot of guys, and this pattern goes something like this, right? He wanted to know that there was a certain level of assurance that his wife was going to work on herself and the relationship.
She was working on herself, but she started to pause the work that she was doing. And she paused the work that she was doing under the guise that she was going on a vacation, she was gonna take the kids on vacation for a couple of months. And so she was just putting her personal development or self-to-melt development on pause. And unbeknownst to him, it bothered him bothered him quite a bit. But unbeknownst to him, really what was happening is he just needed to have a level of certainty in his life. And this guy’s a great man. And he’s, you would never see this looking at him. He’s a, he’s a risk taker. He’s kind of a maverick if you will. But deep down in the subconscious, he needed a level of certainty that this relationship was going to be worked on. Right. He wanted to know, at least you know that she was going to do her part. And when she took that away, in his eyes, he became uneasy, right? And what happens for a lot of us is when we become uneasy, we don’t show up as our most powerful selves. Right, the powerful man, we talked about the power coming from the inside. But what’s happening is he was giving his power up externally. Now this could be due to childhood wounds, this could be due to other stories affairs, or what have you that’s going on in the marriage or what’s happened previously with relationships. And all of us want a certain level of certainty, right? We want to be certain that our partner is trying hard, we want to be certain that we can trust our partner not to cheat on us. Now, sometimes those boundaries get violated. And that further gives us evidence of the uncertainty. Right, the uncertainty we know we all need certainty and uncertainty in our lives. But for a lot of guys, they want to at least know Hey, is this going to work out? I just want to know, right? And nobody can tell you that and that creates uncertainty that creates unease within the body. Now what was also happening because he started to become uneasy because there wasn’t certainty. He started to act a little different started to pull away from his wife a little bit started to get a little angry, a little sad, if you will, you know, is this relationship gonna work out his wife picked up on this, this his shift in energy, if you will? And she started to pull away a little bit. Why is he acting indifferent? Why is he acting like he doesn’t care anymore? And so she starts to close down.
Now, of course, he’s not seeing this or the reason for the correlation, if you will. So what he does, right he sees his wife closing down, he has this uncertainty, and she has to stop it. His story is she’s not working on herself. She’s not working on our marriage. Now she’s pulling away. And now she doesn’t want to be near him as much. So all the signs for him are that she’s giving up, she’s got one foot out the door, maybe one and a half now. Whereas just a month ago, she had to feed in saying that their marriage was better than ever, what’s going on here, this is not reliable. She’s all over the freakin place is what he’s telling me. But of course, I have the vision of Urbino’s 30,000-foot view, if you will, being separated from the scene and having worked with 1000s upon 1000s of businessmen, I see the pattern here, right? So it’s a very common pattern. Now your story might be totally different. But what I want you to look at is the common thread within this conversation, right? The common thread, so yours might not be certainty might be something else. But watch the way he was making up the story about his wife, versus what she could have been making up. So I’ve talked to him about I said, Hey, look, you know, there’s a pattern here. And this is what I’m seeing. You want certainty, you want to know for sure that she’s just at least working on it that she’s trying within the marriage because you’re you’re making you’ve made huge changes. And he agreed, you know, to his credit, and it’s hard for many men to look at themselves that way. But this guy is very introspective, very smart. And he agreed and I said, Look, you know your wife, she wants certainty. She wants to know that, you’re going to continue to show up as this man that you are right. And this guy, to be fair, has gone on this journey through a TPM where he’s rediscovered himself, right? He rediscovered the Mojo, the real version inside him in he’s gone through a lot of our programs, and it’s been great, so much.
So again, as the wife said, their marriage is better than ever has been, she’s now seeing him. And oftentimes what men don’t realize is your wife, she can see the potential in you, she knows what you’re capable of. And so when we as men fall short of that for a period of time, your wife is gonna get scared, lonely, depressed, etc, because she’s gonna be disappointed. Here you are this man that she married that she committed to, she saw the greatness in you, she, you know, she’s investing in you, she invested in the relationship, thinking your stock would rise. Now, when your stock stops rising, right? You plateau, for whatever reason, you become a nice guy, and you go into DEER mode, whatever it may be, she starts to feel a little cheated. And she starts to pull away. So in this case, again, just to set the scene, he’s watching his wife, she stops doing the work on herself. He’s done tremendous work on himself and continues to do so. Right, then he’s seeing her history again, seeing her closed down, be disconnected and kind of push away. Now from her side of the street, right from her vantage point, it could mean this. All of a sudden, here’s this amazing man showing up their marriage is better than it’s ever been. He’s been consistent. He has been the lighthouse. He is the WOLF wise, open, loving, and fierce. He is a strong man who’s finding his power from the inside. He’s become the CFO of his family, that Chief fun officer, things are friggin amazing, it’s better than she could ever imagine. And then all of a sudden, he starts to change a little bit, he starts to act different, he starts to look a little angry, a little sad, he starts to act like he doesn’t give a crap, what she does, or what happens, he starts to seem as if he doesn’t care about the marriage. And he starts to pull away from her vantage point. He’s pulling away, he’s closing down, he’s becoming anxious. So she gets scared. So she goes back into her cave, and she’s gotta go, Okay, I gotta protect myself. So she pulls away a little bit more, and he’s seeing this and, and so he starts to stack the evidence, she is pulling away, she’s pulling away even more, she’s gonna, you know, whatever, you’re going through his head. So he starts to disconnect even more, and she sees that and she pulls away. Now you have two people who are completely disconnected in a very short period of time, both of them are allowing their fears to intervene, right, their fears are showing up. A TPM, we call it your stickman shows up right?
The stickman side of you for both couples and now they can’t see each other. Because the stories that have been created, have become so perverse, if you will, or so solidified in their own minds, because they’ve stacked the evidence to validate what they’re seeing or feeling. Now you have somebody going, Oh, maybe I just married the wrong woman. You know, maybe this marriage has run its course. That could be true, maybe it has, but the reality of it is more than likely, you have two people who, you know, are humans. So they have emotions, they have stories, they have histories with each other and by themselves. We have created stories at a safety, right, create stories that have personal safety, and that’s allowed them to become more and more disconnected. Hey, guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it now 1000 tons of men have read it, and they’ve reviewed it. And I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read. But it’s helped a lot of men just like you. And maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet. But this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you to go over Amazon we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us and that way you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage.
Now, let’s get back to the episode. Now, to this man’s credit, when we were having a conversation, I was kind of breaking it down for him, he stopped for a second and said, You know what, the reality is maybe my wife just as taken a couple weeks off of working on herself because she’s gone with a kid, she’s gonna be taken care of the kids, take him to the beach, take him to the water parks, do all the things that parents do with kids during summer break. And the fact is, she had been doing tremendous work on herself just a matter of weeks ago. I mean, she’d been doing deep dive sessions for a while on herself working. And he saw the light bulb go off for him. And then he started correlating it to work, he did a great job with this. And he started saying, Look, in business, I made up my mind that in business, if I was going to shut down, or my business was going to go under, it was going to go under with me swinging with me doing the absolute best that I could show up 100% Each and every day, we were not going to have our business close or go out of business because of stupidity. Or could because of fear or because of some dumb mistake that we made? Now we’re going to go down swinging each and every time. He said I’m going to take that same attitude into my marriage, and this man’s whole energy shift. And I said That’s exactly it. You know, what if your marriage doesn’t work out, you have no control. But we do have control over how you show up in your marriage. Are you showing up as the best version of yourself? Consistently? That’s hard to do job, guys, it’s very difficult to do. And when you do falter, do you falter for a period of days, weeks, months, years, or decades for some? Or do you catch yourself and bring yourself back as soon as you can? Now you get to feel the feelings of sadness, you get to feel the feelings of depression that the feelings of anger, right? But you don’t want to feel them for a long period of time you feel your wife pisses you off, you can be sad, you can be angry, but give yourself a finite period of time, maybe a week or two weeks up to you, you have to have the lowest to understand the highs, right? You just do. But you don’t have to live in that state. It’s not going to serve you to your highest level. If you are pissed at your wife, or you’re hurt, or you’re feeling like disconnected from your wife.
So therefore you become disconnected, you become indifferent. Like I don’t care about you, you have that attitude of just yeah, whatever, do whatever you want, and you kind of shut down with her. That’s okay to do for a short period of time. The problem that I’ll present to you is if you choose to stay in that marriage, he might as well change your attitude and let it go. He might as well change your attitude and let it go, right? Have fun, decide, look, if I’m going to leave great exit. But if you’re going to stay, then change your frame of mind. You don’t always have to be sad, you don’t always have to be angry, right? You can change your frame of mind and just let it go, whatever she did, either decide that that’s a deal breaker for you, and you’re out. Or let it go. Let it go and recognize that really, you’re playing a game, you’re playing a game of who can hurt each other, right? Or how do I not get hurt? Maybe Said another way? So a lot of times when I talk to men, and they say yeah, you know, maybe I just married the wrong woman. Maybe. And I have seen that I have seen cases to be fair, where men seriously have married the wrong person. And it’s become evident. But that is extremely rare. I would say maybe 1% of the conversations I have around this fall into that maybe 1%. Usually what’s happened is you’ve had two people grow apart and create stories about each other. And the versions of them showing up the way that he shows up in the way that she shows up in the marriage isn’t compatible, right? It’s just not. So they have to change the dynamic. And that’s why a TPM what we do is through The Activation Method for relationships, we teach men how to change their dynamic, so they can save the marriage without having to talk about it. Because what happens is when the men use the tools, The Hidden Motives Technique, the Live Like a King System, the Clean Slate Method, the ARS, the Alpha Decompression, the things that we teach them. It’s a proven methodology, right?
That’s why it’s called The Activation Method. It’s a proven step-by-step methodology. When the men shift, and they change, the wife starts changing to that happens all the time. In fact, sometimes it happens within the first week, men enter the program because the wife sees that he’s now making investing and making changes. He starts showing up differently. So let’s take the couple that I use to the beginning. This is an example of how that could possibly work. Because I know a lot of guys were like, well, that doesn’t make any sense of me changing. She’s the one that needs to change. Ange. So let’s take that guy that I just mentioned. He’s looking over at his wife. And he’s noticing that all of a sudden she’s pulling away. She’s being disconnected. She’s being short. She doesn’t seem like she wants to spend any time with them. So what does he have to do? She’s the one that needs to do the work. She needs to do the work. Because if she realized how amazing I am, and all the stories we all tell ourselves, right, guys, however, remember what her vantage point is, she’s looking at him and saying, Hmm, he’s sad, he’s angry, he’s pulling away, he seems to have one foot out, he’s not being consistent. But what happens when all of a sudden he starts being consistent? What happens when he starts really filling his own cup, what happens when he starts showing up to the best version of himself consistently, she now is looking over there, and she’s not as afraid. She’s like, Oh, he’s in he’s here. So she starts to come closer to him. Like a magnet, right? The polarity starts to be created, like a magnet, she starts to come closer and closer to him and starts following him. Because the story of him leaving the story of him being disconnected, the story of him shutting down goes away. And the only reason she was shutting down and being disconnected was because she thought he was so she got scared. You see, it’s this weird, really weird dance that men and women do with each other. And until you recognize that dance, it’s hard to pull yourself out of it. Right? I remember used to think all the time when my marriage wasn’t working, that only my wife would do her work or only my wife would do this. If only she would do that. Only to come to the realization of Hey, Doug, have you been showing up as the best husband possible?
No, sometimes, but not consistently. So I gave myself a period of time, right? I said, Hey, look, you got to show up consistently for 30 days, zero faltering for 30 days, and see what happens. I’ll tell you what, guys, the powerful man wasn’t around. During this time, there was nobody teaching this kind of stuff. But that seemed like a truism to me, right? I had to show up at least 30 days, consistently. And it was tough. It was really tough to show up. Because I get triggered, I get pissed, I get angry, all of these things will come up, hey, you gotta restart that 30 days. But I can tell you something did start to happen. My wife started to change, you know, those changes, I was telling you, telling you that she needed to do because she needed to change and recognize how amazing I am. Well, when I started to show up, amazingly, and consistently, she did change, she started showing up as a better version of herself. And then all of a sudden, we started coming together. Now there were other things that we did that we teach in The Activation Method, things that I learned over the years to put these things together. But I noticed that when I started shifting, I started showing up, I started showing up to the leader of the family, and I started showing up as the man the husband, I have always really wanted to be, regardless of what she did. That’s the key. I showed up regardless of what she did, just like I show up to work, regardless of what my staff does, regardless of what the market conditions are, I just show up, I started showing up in my family that way, my wife stepped into and she followed my lead. And guys, it’s an amazing feeling. So if you’re sitting there, and you’re wondering, how did I marry the wrong person? Well, again, I’m going to tell you, possibly, but as a man that’s worked with literally 1000s of business leaders, I can tell you that it’s like maybe 1% that I have, and probably less than that of the men who come to me of those numbers, and have said I think I married the wrong person, maybe 1% It’s actually true. So the likelihood of it being your case is not, the question I would ask myself is Do you love her? Are you in love with her? If the answer is yes, then there is a chance to save and repair that marriage, there is a chance for you. Now it takes two to tango, so I can’t tell you what her thoughts are gonna be. But if that’s for you, then that’s maybe you didn’t marry the wrong person. Maybe right now you just don’t have the skill sets for the two of you to meet in your current marriage, the way that both of you are showing up. And so this is a call out to you to show up in a better way.
Give yourself 30 days, right at least of showing up consistently as the WOLF again, as wise, open, loving, and fierce. And if you want a proven methodology on how to do that, right in the description, there’ll be a link, you can find out more about The Activation Method for relationships. But regardless, right? I know a lot of you guys are just sitting on the fence and my job here is just to give value. Try it for 30 days, right? Try showing up as I do man and watch your wife. But don’t do it from a needy energy, right? Don’t watch don’t do something, expect a reaction. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about showing up for you first and foremost. You know, showing up for you is the best way I had another conversation with a man. And he said, Look, I’m gonna give my wife some space, right? I’m gonna give her some space. I’m not going to. I’m not going to reach out to her. I’m not going to text her. I’m not going to call her. I go does she ask for space? He was like, Well, no, I go do you want to give her space? You don’t want to talk to her? He goes no. Oh, cool. So you’re just being a good boy. I don’t need to be a good boy. Guys. I want to do it for you. What do you want? What is it that you want? Do you want a loving marriage with the person you’re with? If the answer is yes, it’s time for you to Do the work, period, and a story, right? You just need to do that work. Now, you have to show up for those 30 days, but you can’t show up for those 30 days out of wanting an expectation from her. I know that’s hard to understand. Because you’re doing it to shift the marriage, I get it. But at the same time, you need to do it for you. Not watching her. When I say watch her, I think you’ll notice that she’ll start to shift. But don’t do something to get a reaction is what I’m trying to say. Right DEER mode is defend excuse, explain react. Don’t do it for a reaction. Don’t react yourself, just be the light load. We’ll talk about the lighthouse at TPM. Be that lighthouse in your marriage, the lighthouse for you lighthouse for your kids lighthouse for your wife, be that version of yourself and show up consistently. And I think you’ll have your answer. Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. I’m here I’m in your corner. You know, we’ve got over 850 of these episodes over the years. We keep trying to give you guys value as much as we can. Right? This is not a fly-by-night thing. We’re here for you guys. This is a movement. TPM is a movement of men of men just like you and I want you to be involved the first thing that starts with with being involved is showing up and doing the work guys. You just got to do it. Right. There’s no two ways about it. Take massive action. I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
