Episode #844
In this episode, Doug Holt dives deep into the one simple change that can revolutionize your relationships. Whether it’s with your wife, kids, friends, or co-workers, this one strategy can make a world of difference.
Imagine improving your marriage, reconnecting with your children, and even boosting your business, all by shifting your mindset. Doug shares a powerful story of a client who applied this technique and saw remarkable improvements in every area of his life.
Tune in to discover how assuming others have great intentions can break down barriers, foster deeper connections, and create a positive ripple effect in your life. This episode is packed with actionable insights that can help you transform your relationships and lead a more fulfilling life.
Don’t miss out on this game-changing advice that has the potential to turn your relationships around!
Key Points:
- The impact of defensive reactions in relationships.
- The power of assuming positive intent.
- Real-life success story of transformation.
- Practical steps to apply this mindset shift in your daily interactions.
Listen now and start making a difference today!
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
If your wife comes up to you goes, Oh, you seem annoyed and you go, I’m not annoyed. And he goes, Well, you seem annoyed. Well, geez, what I always tell him is my feelings, your defenses are up, what does she do her defenses go up? Right now you guys have two walls in between you and it becomes like a moat, and you can’t connect with each other. And then you’re gonna have his disconnection you’re gonna be fighting, odds of sex are really low. Guys, when this happens, the odds of being intimate are really low, you don’t feel good about it, you’re pissed off, and she’s pissed off and hurt. And you’ve caused another rift in the marriage or relationship.
Welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. So guys, what if there was one thing, one thing that you could do? That could shift the course of your relationships, not only your relationship with your wife, but your relationship with your kids, the relationship with other people, your friends, co-workers, employees.
What if there was one thing you could do? Well, there is. Now there are many things you can do. But this one in particular that I’m going to share with you is something that one of the guys that I work with one on one, one of the actually started applying, and lo and behold, guess what happened. All of a sudden, his relationships with his kids got miraculously better. All of a sudden, his wife, who he’s been on the outs with for years, all of a sudden his marriage got better. And then he started using this one thing that I’m going to share with you in the business world. And guess what money started pouring in. And the reason money started pouring in, is he changed his frame. Now what frame? Did he change? Doug, is what I’m sure you’re asking. It is simple. What he started doing is assuming that the other person had great intentions. Now, what do I mean by that? So let’s use his wife as an example. I know a lot of you guys, watch this show or listen to it. Because you want to improve your marriage. Maybe your marriage isn’t bad, but you want it to be excellent, right? Don’t we all want all our relationships to be excellent? often say, hey, we get we’re guaranteed one shot at this game we call life let’s make it the best one we possibly can. Right? And with our wives. That’s a big relationship with our kids. That’s a big relationship and also in business. So what this guy started doing was his nagging wife, who was always nagging, it was always negative. He dropped his expectations and started assuming that everything she did every action that she did, every word or criticism that he used to think was criticism actually came from a good place.
And when he did this, he started looking at his wife differently. So if she asked him to take the dog out for a walk, and maybe I’m making this up, maybe he used to think, Well, why do I have to do everything, I’m working so hard, you’re a stay-at-home, mom, you have all the time in the world. She doesn’t respect me. Instead of that she started he started thinking, okay, she’s coming from a great place, she probably just needs a little help, I’ll be happy to help her. Or maybe she, you know, thinks that it’d be good for me and I enjoy walking the dog. He just changed his paradigm and assume that she was coming from a great place. So he goes out and he walks the dog again, I’m making the scenario up, he comes back, and he’s happy. He’s not walking the dog bitching and moaning about his wife, when he gets back, you know, kind of energy guys, we’ve all done that kind of energy you bring back into the relationship when you’re, you know, you feel as if you’re being taken advantage of or disrespected. You have this negative energy, this fu attitude, basically, right? The people around you pick up on that energy, they can read it from a mile away. You know, my wife always tells me, I know before you walk in the door, what your energy is going to be like, if you’re too stressed from work, or you’re anxious or you’re tired, or if you’re in a great mood. She’s like, you know, your energy follows you before you enter the room. Now, I’ve heard this from countless women since then. So it’s been verified, right? So you want to do that now when you have this energy of just assuming everybody has good intentions or have the best intentions. Now you do want to be more on doing this, right? But in your family, you have to assume your wife has the best intentions, and your energy shifts.
Now when your energy shifts to a positive energy and so instead of feeling like you’ve been disrespected, you need to lay down the law, or you get angry, you’re happy, you’re light, you’re fun to be around. Guess what your wife lightens up, she feels safer, she can relax in her feminine. Your kids are the same thing. All of a sudden Dad assumes that what they’re doing is for the best and doing the right. I had a business mentor. He was in his 70s One of the most successful men I’ve ever met in my life. And I was in Santa Barbara, California. He lived in a place called Montecito. If you know of it, you can get the idea. He had a lot of wealth. And I was in my early 20s. I was complaining about my staff, my employees at the time, and three businesses. I was crazy. And at three companies I was complaining about my staff at one of them and they don’t do this. They don’t do that. He just sat there and listened and digested what I was saying and we’re having coffee His name is Bill. And Bill looks at me and goes, Huh? He’s like, here’s what I want you to do. And I’m thinking, Okay, Bill is gonna let’s restructure the company, let’s fire these people. Right Bill is gonna give me some solid advice. He said, every day, you got to catch them doing something right three times a day. Like that. What are you talking about? Bill? That’s ridiculous. Every day, catch them doing something right three times a day. And lo and behold, guess what happened? This horrible staff that I had turned out to be an amazing staff. Did the staff change? Well, a little bit, but my energy changed, and I told him I was the leader of the company. Now you are listening to this, you’re probably the leader of your house. Or at least you’d like to be the leader of your house. Some of you guys have lost that title. But you want it back, you want to regain the throne, the king’s throne. Great. But you got to catch people doing things right?
You have to make assumptions that they’re doing the best job they possibly can with the resources they have. Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt this episode. But the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself and I applaud you, you’re one of my people. And I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method, yet, it’s our flagship program, do what 1000s of other businessmen just like you have done and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that will take you right to a page, they’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. Alright, let’s get back to this episode. If you businessman, odds are your wife isn’t she probably isn’t as interested in business. It’s just not her thing. Why do I say that? Because I see it happen a lot. bell-shaped curve, most men, and businessmen do not marry business-minded women just doesn’t happen. It does happen. Sometimes let’s just call it 20% of the time. But 80% time it doesn’t, right? She just has no interest. And in fact, as a side note, I’ve heard this before where a woman says, I didn’t marry you, because you’re a businessman, I married you, despite the fact that you’re a businessman. Let that sink in for a second. Right? We’re businessmen, we do it because we need to we love it. This is the game that we play. It’s in our blood. Like I always say I’m on hireable. Like I always have to be running a business. That’s my thing. So it’s not my wife’s fault that I do this. But when I expect flipping it back to the subject, when I expect the best of my wife, when I expect that she has the best intentions, then I can see things through a different lens.
And then she feels more seen and heard she feels more desired, she feels more accepted. She doesn’t feel the resentment that comes with me criticizing her or, or thinking that she’s got an angle or something along those lines. Now, again, guys, don’t be dumb here. You know, some of you guys have wives that are having affairs or have had affairs, be smart about it. But in the everyday realm, you assume comments have good intentions. Now, and again, some of you guys are married to bad women. That’s just the bottom line. Some of you guys are married to crazy women. But my experience, most women, most wives, I should say, in my experience are great people. They’re just in a bad circumstance, the marriage isn’t working. So they’re not playing at their best level, and you probably aren’t either. But you can also apply this to your kids, you can play us to business, right? Your employee does something that you don’t like, right? Or does something that screws up, we’ll assume they had the best intention, their intention wasn’t to screw up. They just screwed up. We all do. When you come with that energy, you’re able to come from a more positive vibe, you’ll get a more productive employee, you’ll get somebody who works harder and better for you. And they’ll get better. And they probably won’t make that mistake again. Right? You’ve already invested in that mistake. So you know, hey, you put an investment in them. And that’s critical to So showing up with those intentions Hey, everybody has the best intentions, things start to line up. This gentleman I was talking about earlier, my client fact the last call I had with him I said hey, our things. He’s like marriage better than it’s ever been kids better than it’s ever been business better than it’s ever been. I was like, Well, okay, what’s changed?
So I took your advice. I started I stopped, I stopped having expectations of my wife, and just started assuming that she’s doing the best she can. I did the same with my kids. He’s got kids that are in their teenage phase, older teenage phase, as well as two younger kids in business. He was going through a lawsuit and everything. And he just said I assume that you know the lawsuit that the people that are that he’s in lawsuit, they had the best of intentions for what they were trying to do. He won that lawsuit. And not only did the people that he was in a lawsuit against, want to do business with him. Another competitor saw what he was doing in that lawsuit and then asked to be in business with them. Because they saw how well he handled it professionally and he wasn’t a jerk, and he just assumed everybody had the best intentions, however, you’re in breach of contract. So, therefore, that’s why we’re in this lawsuit. I get it. You know, you guys thought but it’s actually be. And he came with that kind of attitude, Beast, he wasn’t being a DEER, he wasn’t being submissive. But he had the attitude of, hey, you were doing the best you can totally get it. And this is the way it should be. But he came with it with that attitude that everybody was trying to do their best. They wanted to continue to do business with them. They’re like, You know what, you’re right. And then they moved forward. Not only that, but a competitor said, hey, look, we want to work with you too. And that, that’s amazing, guys, that’s the power of this frame. Now it’s a practice for me, right? I’m not I’m not the best at this. It’s something I learned a long time ago. And I continually need to practice it. But always assuming that someone’s got the best intentions or trying their best, whether it be driving a car, and someone pulls in front of you, right?
Or they don’t put their blinker on or whatever it is. Just realize that they probably had the best intentions. They’re not trying to be a jerk. They’re not maybe trying to be a bad driver. We’ve all done those things. As a driver in a car, we’ve all made mistakes, somebody else might be making one. So when you apply this lens to your relationships, your relationship with your wife for example, you’re gonna start to notice most likely that she’ll start to shift her energy shifts as you do this. You have to be genuine about it. But you have to assume that her intention is absolutely the best intention. So if she says, Oh, you seem annoyed, right? You might want to snap back. No, I’m not annoyed. Why are you making up my feelings? What are you telling me when I’ve told you I’m not annoyed? I’ve seen guys do this. I’ve seen text chains where guys are going back and forth with this kind of fight. But what if his wife was really saying, Oh, you seem annoyed in her thought? Is there anything I can do to help? or what have you, instead of being reactive as a DEER gonna be defending, excusing, explaining reacting, said that reaction? What if he went to the frame of mind of, huh, she’s probably asking you if I’m annoyed because she wants to help, then you can go Oh, thanks for asking. No, I’m actually not annoyed, I really appreciate you checking in. Her responses can be totally different. I’ve literally seen a text chain like this recently, with a couple on the bad side of it, right? Where he made an assumption he got mad, right that she assumed his feelings, etc. And it didn’t work out well. But had he just assumed the best? And if he’s listened to this, shout out to that guy. If he had assumed the best, maybe that could have turned into intimacy. And not just sexual intimacy, but intimacy, where to get closer to your partner like, Oh, hey, thanks for asking. If I’m annoyed, I really appreciate you checking in with me. No, I’m not, you know, how are you doing? Right now she can respond back. And she may even say, Well, you seem annoyed. Oh, interesting. I really appreciate that feedback. But the truth is, I’m not annoyed right now. What makes you think that I seemed annoyed? And now you can have dialogue, right? She’s gonna put her defenses down. She’s putting her swords away, right?
Because you don’t have your Up yours up. And you can move on? We’re conversely, right? If I’ll use that same text chain that I saw, but if there’s a conversation, your wife comes up to and goes, Oh, you seem annoyed and you go, I’m not annoyed. And it goes, Well, you seem annoyed. Well, geez, what he always tells me is my feelings, your defenses are up, what did she do, her defenses go up. Right now you guys have two walls in between you and that becomes like a moat, that you can’t connect with each other. And then you’re gonna have this disconnection you’re gonna be fighting, odds of sex are really low. Guys, when this happens, the odds of being intimate are really low, you don’t feel good about it, you’re pissed off, and she’s pissed off and hurt. And you’ve caused another rift in the marriage or relationship. Again, conversely, go back the other way around it, you can repair it, and instead of causing a rift or walls, remotes, you can take her walls down, and let your wife feel safe. And let her feel seen and heard. And when she feels safe, and she’s seen and heard, that’s when desire comes out. Right? She trusts you. And that’s when intimacy comes out, you can melt into her man,
her man is strong, and you are strong. So guys, take this tip, I want you to apply it. I would love to hear how this works for you. Whether you shoot us a message in our private community, if you’re in our private community, we have another community on Facebook that’s open to anybody, as well, or whatever it is, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below wherever you’re seeing this. Guys, if you’re not already watching these on YouTube, I’m going to invite you to go over to YouTube. Check these out. We put some new graphics and things in the videos to help explain these and drive these things home. So you guys can learn faster. So you can get these insights as they come in. Just remember if you get one insight from any of these shows, just one you are progressing. You’re becoming a better man, and your stock is rising in the marketplace, whether it be the more sexual marketplace, right? It’s a good place to be or the marketplace of life, or you’re getting new skills to raise the bar for you. And that’s important. And I love to hear from you guys. So head over to YouTube. We’re actually putting a lot of energy into that channel into that platform. If you’re like me, I watch a lot of YouTube videos on my big-screen TV at home. I really love learning and growing and I want to be there with you guys as well. And as always say guys in the moment of insight take massive action. I’m in your corner. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
