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Pull Out The Root

Episode #349

When is it time to “pull out the roots” of a problem? And how do you do it?

There are reasons why certain things keep coming up. What do you do when your wife brings up a problem from the past?

It is a common issue when you and your partner have a checkered history. Disagreements, arguments, mistakes. You’ve moved on but she keeps on bringing it up over and over again and you are sick and tired of it.

This happens when you failed to address the actual issue in the beginning. The only way to close the loop is to validate her properly and make her feel completely heard, understood, and seen.

Shine a light on the problem, hunt for a solution, and take massive action.

In this episode, we’re talking about the reasons why women keep on bringing up old problems over and over again, how to resolve the issue by identifying the roots of the problems together, and how to pull out those roots and close this loop.


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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man. 

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

And you guys have that conversation. You agree; you apologize. Hey, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again; done deal in your eyes, but it comes up over and over again, and so what’s happening for this man? You’re so frustrated. He’s like, Look, once again, this is happening with my wife. She’s bringing up crap from the past, and it’s old wounds she’s reopening and bringing them up, and I’m just sick and tired, and I’m sick and tired of looking in the past working from the past. Why can’t she look at the present, look at the future and move forward? Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Cole, with my co-host, Tim The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going down, brother.

Tim Matthews  0:42  

Yeah, very well.

Doug Holt  0:44  

Catch you a mid-sip of water there. We had a great conversation; we got guys that don’t know. We have The Alpha Reset going on as the pandemic starts to lift. We have  The Alpha Reset scheduled for the end of June. We’re just Tim, and I was talking logistics. I have a waiting list for that event. It’s going to be fantastic to put these men through it. So I’m very excited about that, Tim.

Tim Matthews  1:07  

Yeah, me too. It’s going to be incredible and Saloom as well; we’ve got a waiting list for that.

Doug Holt  1:13  

Yeah, it’s Saloom. It is going to be amazing. It’s a brotherhood-only event. So that’s also going to be just awesome. That was supposed to happen last year; during the pandemic, and we had to cancel it because you couldn’t, you couldn’t get anywhere in the world right at that time. So this is going to be fun to put on. But Tim, that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. So what I want to talk about is, we got a call that came in, and I know you were part of that call. It came in, and a man was talking about something that was going on with his wife. Now, I don’t want to bring this particular person up per se. But I think this is a common issue that we as married men, especially business people, face. It’s when you and your partner have had, let’s just say, checkered past disagreement arguments. Maybe there’s been infidelity, or something’s happened in the past, and you’ve gotten over that, and time has gone by, and you’ve talked about it or done whatever it is, but you’ve moved on. But then she keeps bringing it up, over and over again. Now not a repeated day today, but it comes up in arguments or comes up in feats of experienced depression on her end, and as a guy, we get frustrated. We’re kind of like, hey, look; I talked to you about this, Tim, we agreed, we moved on. As men, we just don’t need to talk about that again. was like, Hey, we had this conversation. It’s over and done with we’re friends. Let’s just move on, and it gets swept under the rug in a good clean way, and then Tim and Doug just don’t have a conversation about it. However, with our intimate partners, the women or world, that doesn’t seem to happen as much, Tim. What seems to happen is that guy has a conversation with the woman; it usually goes something like this. Hey, Tim, I’ll pretend that I’m your partner here. Hey, Timmy, we need to talk.

Tim Matthews  3:03  

 A dream come true for you.

Doug Holt  3:04  

Yeah, we just sit down and talk about whatever happened x, y, z. We sat down and talked about it. What that usually means, guys, is she’s going to be talking to you about what she’s upset about, and you guys have that conversation. You agree; you apologize. Hey, I’m sorry it won’t happen again. You have done a deal in your eyes. But it comes up over and over again, and so what’s happening for this man? Just recently, who’s been so frustrated? He’s like, Look once again, this is happening with my wife, she’s bringing up crap from the past, and it’s old wounds she’s reopening and bringing them up, and I’m just sick and tired of it. I’m sick and tired of looking at the past, working from the past. Why can’t she look at the future, look at the present and look at the future, and move forward? So we had some interesting conversations around that Tim Brown let you jump in here and share any thoughts that you have around either one you and Amelia or previous relationships, experiencing this or hearing it from the other guys?

Tim Matthews  4:08  

previous relationships, they’re just an absolute nightmare. Yeah, I mean, for me, whenever this happens to me, it is often because I didn’t address the actual issue in the beginning. In my experience, often it can be a case of whatever the complaint is about that isn’t really what it’s about for the woman. Sometimes she doesn’t really know; she knows that she’s hurt. Whether that hurt is coming up in anger or frustration, sadness, whatever. And now, because I understand a little bit more or a lot more than I did about what’s really going on for her, I’m able to listen a lot better. But more importantly, and I think this is really important, is not listening to solve the problem as I used to do, and that’s when I think I’ll call done why right now we solved it, but really listening to connect with her and understand what’s actually going on for her beneath all of the craziness, I might be seen in front of me.

Doug Holt  5:24  

Yeah, I mean, and so many guy’s experiences,  I definitely experienced this, and it used just to piss me off. I would get angry, kind of like this guy did and so what I told this guy is you got three options here. Option one, and I’ll tell you what really is happening. But option one is you can go back and solve this issue,  it’s going to take some work, and it’s probably going to take a little pride swallowing. Maybe option two is you can tell her to screw off, and you can leave. And option three is you can pretend as if nothing happened, sweep it under the rug, do nothing, and hope it goes away. Now, option three is what the old dog used to do is just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away. Now, in previous relationships, I would just leave the relationship because that wasn’t committed. But with my marriage, I would just sweep it under the rug, hoping it goes away. Guess what? Doesn’t it? It doesn’t. So in this particular sense, I had an idea, and I reached out to my wife, who coaches married women, and I asked her if we were on the right track here. So we gave this guy the absolute best advice possible, and she confirmed exactly what you are through, and I happen to be on this call. It’s actually a voice exchanged back and forth using an app. 

Thought, and what she said, and what I told the guy ultimately, is the reason this keeps coming up. If it is not resolved for her. She does not feel that the man who is listening to this; she doesn’t feel heard or understood. She doesn’t feel complete with the conversation. Now she may sweep it under the rug, and she may walk away. She may let it go for a second. But it’s not done for her, and we all know, a lot of these women are women, it’s a joke, women have a memory like elephants. They’re never going to forget this. The only way to close this loop, imagine a loop in a circle. If there’s an opening there, she’s going to keep coming back to get that closed. Only when it closes, the loop is to really validate her properly. We can use something like the Hidden Motives Technique with some slight changes,  but really validate her and make her feel extremely heard. Extremely understood and then also seen,  she also wants to, she wants to know that you see it from her point of view. She wants to know that you understand it at an emotional level, at her level, what it’s gripping for her and how it’s affecting her. Right, and she also wants to know that you understand the gravity of the situation for that you fully understand it, because until she thinks or feels that you fully understand her side of this. She is not going to believe you that it won’t happen again. She’s just not; there’s not going to be a connection there, and it’s going to keep coming up over and over and over again because she’s hurting inside.

Tim Matthews  8:16  

Yeah, and it’s really important. So I’m just thinking about this guy in particular, and these are things for him. That happened before he started to okay himself, and so for him, he obviously can’t understand it. Because for a lot of guys, how I’m doing all these great things now looks at me now. Look at me now, look at, and he’s doing a great job. But like you said, there’s a gap in that loop from the past, and without really speaking to him about this particular piece, I imagine as well that’s because in the past of those three options, you probably did the third right, and it may have even looked in came in walked him through the door with the problem-solving lens that serves him so well in business and his wife is there being emotional sharing with him something that she’s heard about, and he’s they’re being logical and yeah, okay, got it. Right. Yep, sorry, it is a complete mismatch, and she, in that instance, more than likely what I’ve got everything off her chest, and you really shared what she wanted to share because more than likely at that moment, she didn’t feel like he was there for him. He probably thought this was going well. Yeah. Okay, cool. Until it’s continuing to rear its head now, so yeah, I think you raise a really great point, and then the grading of the disguise is one opportunity to change it because some women, instead of bringing it up again, they may just choose to go quiet. Yeah, when we speak about the analogy of mud on the glass that if they got quiet, and they stopped bringing this up, and you don’t know that this is in the neither of those resentments can really flick along with an eyeglass and create a lot of distance between people. So if you’re in this position, guys, and I think it’s a great time to be grateful that she’s bringing this up, because now what we’ll share with you in a moment, we’ll give you a way to actually close that loop, make her feel very seen and heard and the same time do you guys closer together?

Doug Holt  10:29  

Yeah, it’s absolutely it. So as guys, as men, we come in as problem solvers, especially as entrepreneurs and business owners. We get paid a lot of money, or a lot of respect and admiration for going in finding the problem and then identifying the problem and then, more importantly, identifying an immediate, decisive solution. Well, here’s your problem. Okay, boom, here, here’s how you solve it. Alright. Next, we’re putting out fires left, and we have lines out, or office doors, whether they be virtual or real, with people that want to meet with us, and all of these people are looking for answers from us. When somebody brings up a problem, they’re looking for a solution. Now, this isn’t the way women work. When a woman brings a problem to you, she’s not looking for a solution. In fact, it’s the worst thing you can give her. If you give her a solution, she is not going to feel heard or seen, or understood. She is looking for somebody for you to listen to to validate her to understand her emotions. So I get to the point now because I used to be in this situation. But now it’s a lot different. So now my wife will bring a problem to me, and I’ll ask her, do you need me to solve this or just listen right now? And she’ll melt. She’s like, just listen. Please. Listen to her intently and go, oh, wow, I okay. All interesting. Yep, I told you that bitch was crazy. Uh-huh. 

Yep. Gotcha, and then I’ll let it go, and then she’ll melt into me. Right, and that can lead to some amazing sex. She doesn’t need me to solve it inside. I’m dying. Because I’m like, Oh, my gosh, is friggin easy to solve. All you have to do is dadadada. But I bite my tongue. Part of being a man is being able to do that, not do the things that you need to do more so than the things you just want to do, just desire to do, right. There are certain things that you just get to do from a disciplinary standpoint. This is one of them. It’s a learned skill. Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I totally get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you; go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show. We learned the skill, guys, and it can serve you so well. Because I love solving problems. I absolutely enjoy it, and so when your woman comes to you with hurt, and you see it as a problem, it is. But the solution to that problem comes through the Hidden Motives Technique,  which is a form of validation, which has got a lot of nuances. We’ve talked about it in previous podcasts. But for this situation, not only just this gentleman in particular but for all of us guys out there. The key here is to really get to the bottom of that, right. So if Tim comes, we are not going to stop using it because it’s hard to look at you on video and pretend that you’re a woman. So, if my wife comes to me, and she brings up a problem from the past, who knows, let’s just say it’s me talking to an ex-girlfriend or something. Hey, she brings it up, then she might bring it up, and I’m kind of cutting away, let’s just say, Oh, it’s interesting. I didn’t know that really hurt you. Or that still hurts you tell me to tell me what about that really bothers you. So I’m going to start asking investigative questions to get to the bottom of it, and she might say, just you didn’t tell me, etc. 

As I keep asking her, so she says that, let me say, okay, so. So you’re really upset that I didn’t share with you that I was talking to my ex-girlfriend? Is that what? Well, it’s not that you’re talking to her. It’s just that she looks so thin and fit now, and I just had a baby, so I’m out of shape. Ah, I totally got a baby. Yeah, well, I just want to let you look amazing, and I love you, and now I can go into explaining. So what I hear you say is that you’re just not feeling as sexy as you normally do. And now she can start saying yes or no. What I’m doing is getting down to the root problem. Because guys, if you do not get down to the root problem, just like in business, that is going to cut you that week. If you don’t get to the root, guess what, just like other weeds, it’s going to sprout again and again and again and again somewhere else. Maybe it might come up in some other place. But if I get to the root of it using this example,  my wife had a baby year and a half ago, using this example, I could find out really what’s going, ah, she’s just not feeling sexy right now has nothing to do with the ex-girlfriend has nothing to do it could be anything could be me eating ice cream, that’s going to get triggered. Now I get to make her feel sexy. If I choose to now, I get to solidify her competence. Because you’re not feeling sexy, it’s confidence, and then I get to solve the problem, not outwardly. But I solved the problem by coming up with something different. I pulled her in and let her know how much I love her and want her, then I picked her up, take her to the bedroom. it’s what we do. You guys are in 60 seconds on how to seduce your wife, a group that we put together, and you get some ideas here. But this is the way you want to do it, and once you’ve done it, you can pull this weed out from the roots and not have to talk about it. 

Also, put it in the back of your mind, file it wherever you have your regular things, put it on a project management software system to come back to you in a month, and remind yourself that your wife,  and all boys, all women have this, by the way, guys, that your wife has some self-confidence issues, and she needs you to reassure her that she’s sexy, that’s important to her. Right. That’s what I would pick up from that conversation as well, and I would remind myself, cool, I’m going to remind her that she’s sexy in two days, or tomorrow, or what have you, I’m going to do it regularly and build up the confidence. Because now that I pulled up that route, I’m eradicating it. It’s like putting in the Tim, I don’t know if you’ve done any gardening in your new place, but it’s like putting a tarp down under the soil. So weeds can’t grow again. You’re preventing those weeds from coming back. Right and now, you’re going to stoke that flame of sex, love intimacy, and guys, your what your woman will melt, she will melt into you. Because now you have a weed-free garden and then just roses bloom,

Tim Matthews  17:05  

Yeah, well said. I love that symptom versus root cause is very rarely about the thing that’s in front of them. Very rarely.

Doug Holt  17:15  

Yeah and, and that’s the hard thing. It’s kind of like business guys. You can be an operator in your business, and most business owners are, but they’re operators, they’re outputting fires, they need to be the guy, they’re the one that’s always on call, etc. They can’t replace themselves. But when you’re a business owner, and you’re in there, and you’re able to look at it from the 50,000-foot view, and see what’s really going on in your business, you can start making big decisions, and you start realizing, hmm, lead quality isn’t the issue, we’ve got plenty of leads coming in, it’s the sales guys aren’t closing, they’re closing ratios, bad, they need better sales training, they need better sales management or something along those lines, you start looking at the root cause of the problem, rather than just jumping to conclusions that its lead quality and you’re in your business or whatever else, it may be fulfillment, etc. You want to get down to that root issue and then make sure I would not leave that conversation until I was 100%. Sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt that my wife felt seen, heard, and validated. And I would make sure Great. Okay. Anything else? Anything else that’s coming up for you? I would because guess what guys? It might be hard to get in there because I have to swallow my pride. Because internally, I might be like, What the fuck are we doing here? This is ridiculous. We’ve covered this eight times. The reason I go deep, though, it’s because I don’t want there to be a ninth time. I don’t want to go back to this conversation again unless something else happens, right? But all things being equal, I want to keep this one in the bag and really build on our future, and that’s where I stay away from that rearview mirror view.

Tim Matthews  18:53  

All things being equal, you wanted to do a 10th time and surely could offer the 10th.

Doug Holt  18:59  

Just to make sure to run nice round numbers. 

Tim Matthews  19:01  


Doug Holt  19:02  

Yeah. No, as soon as I can identify that I’m in that pattern and guys, I get in that pattern still. But as soon as I can identify them in that pattern, I want to cut it off right away. It’s just not worth it, which is not worth doing. You’re really just procrastinating, and it’s going to get worse, and what happens when you procrastinate and sweep it under the rug. What’s going to not only is it’s going to hurt your wife internally, by the way. So she’s going to be thinking about this non-stop all the time, talking to her girlfriends about it, etc., etc. Before she brings it up to you. So now your wife’s hurting. But this is going to affect your bedroom, buddy. Like this is going to affect your sex life. It’s going to affect the frequency and the quality of your sex because this is always going to be in the back of your mind. You pull that route, and now you can get some freaky deaky in the bedroom and have some fun.

Tim Matthews  19:52  

Some freaky as I had you use that word before I thought you guys call it

Doug Holt  19:59  

Tim is there. What are some parting words you want to give these guys?

Tim Matthews  20:04  

Yeah, I think the other piece, guys, is just, I think, something we’ve not touched on as much as the real importance of you remaining calm during this. It could be my catch of Gut, maybe you walk in through the door, and he agreed with it after a hard day. Just breathe to make him take a moment and try your best to just look at what’s really going on. Because what you agreed with might be, like Doug said, all about the ex-girlfriend, but really isn’t. So just really keep your cool, be grounded, and just work through this, and you might fumble your way through it in the beginning. That’s okay. Don’t worry about that. I think the most important part is getting to that outcome, having her be seen, heard, and validated, and setting those reminders, like you said, as well. That’s a really important piece. I think this really feeds into as well I’ve spoken about before knowing what hats to wear, like, the sign you have of your office style when you leave the office is playtime or whatever it says tap it on the way out. Whether you switch clothes, whatever you do, so that when you walk in through the house or walking through the door, rather or walk downstairs, in my case, walk upstairs in your case, that you are in the right frame of mind, do not walk into that situation, either feeling rushed or stressed with a problem-solving lens because you will end up going for the eighth time and a ninth time and attend time. Because it’s very difficult to do this from a place or from a place that serves you so well in business that’s going to work against you here. Even if you don’t end up saying you are making suggestions to solve the problem. Energetically you could just not be there because you’re thinking about work. So set yourself up for success with these guys, and just I’m looking for another episode where we spoke a little bit more about those roles. I can’t find it. Anyway, guys, save some form of success. I know. Yeah. Well, the topic is Doug.

Doug Holt  22:10  

Yeah, absolutely, and guys, just remember this by doing this, you’re solidifying yourself as the benevolent alpha, the activated man, the leader of your family,  the leader for your wife, and that’s why this works. You’re rising above the situation rather than coming down to the situation just as you would if you were working dealing with a child. And I’m not talking down about your wife at all, but this is you taking that leadership approach, and when you’re saying like screw this, I don’t want to deal with this. You’re a teenager. And that’s not a powerful man, and so guys, I want you to have this; if you have this conversation, have at one time then get into the bedroom. So that’s the goal here one time, or if you decide not to get in the bedroom, at least have some connection, passionate intimacy right and have a harmonious home where you’re treated like the king that you are gentlemen that’s a wrap for us at The Powerful Man show as always go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus where you can get free training and pick up we are changing that in another week. It looks like from now, so it will be a totally different training up there. Really excited about getting a new one up there, Tim, as I know you are as well. Guys, if you haven’t already, please leave a review, tell other men like you find a show like this, and lastly, take action. You got an insight in here; just take some massive action, please. It would mean a lot to me to see you guys get some benefits out of this. That’s why Tim and I jump on here for it. Alright, guys, have an amazing week. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.