Has your wife lost interest in you? Have you been putting her on a pedestal?
This often happens when we lose ourselves and get too focused on our wives and what they think of us. One quick way to get her looking at you with interest again is to focus on YOU and your hobbies and interests.
In this episode, we talk about some signs of why you’re taking the sexy out of your relationship and what you can do to maintain a strong masculine frame in the marriage.
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Doug Holt: Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of TPM Show, with the man, the CEO and founder, Tim The Powerful Man Matthews. How are you doing, brother?
Tim Matthews: I’m doing well. How are you?
Doug Holt: I’m doing great, getting ready for a training coming up here right after this call. But I’m excited about this topic, Tim, because it often comes back to us in the feedback we get from men. Not men that are in the program, but men that haven’t had a chance to go through the AM. And that is how do you make her want you again?
Tim Matthews: Let’s do it. I’m excited.
Doug Holt: So,this is coming off the concept here- in your relationship we talk about scales. And if you watch the training, there’s a video I should say that is on- if you go to our website, thepowerfulman.com and click on get started, there is a six-minute video where I talk about this in a little bit more depth than we’ll have time for today. But essentially, somewhere along the way over the course of your courtship, your marriage, or whatever else it may be, you went from basically probably not being able to keep your hands off each other or wanting to keep your hands off each other, to the point where it seems like your wife wants nothing to do with you. Where you can do no right. Where the bad feelings and bad experiences far outweigh the good ones. And so, what do you do? How do you get her back in your good graces? And so essentially, what you’ve done is, if you have lost the sex frame, you’ve lost the frame of sensuality within your marriage. So, Tim, let’s talk a little bit more about what these guys can do, should they find themselves in this situation.
Tim Matthews: First thing that came to mind for me as you were talking is SMV. Sexual market value. And typically, if a guy is in this position, experiencing some of the symptoms that go with this, like you said in the last podcast, the bedroom will be more like a desert, and not really much happening in there. But equally, there’s not really been any sexual charge or sexual tension in the relationship as well. Typically, part of that will be because of the neutrality that has been created by you losing the sex frame. Because in order for there to be a sex frame, there has got to be polarity, right? There’s gotta be a masculine or feminine, or positive and negative, kind of like two magnets that attract each other. That’s typically where you guys will have been in the beginning. If you imagine a north and a south pole, they come together, they attract one another. If you turn one of those magnets around, that becomes a north and north, and all of a sudden they repel one another. And that often is what can happen over time in a marriage for guys who let that SMV – sexual market value – decline.
Maybe they stopped working out, maybe they stopped taking care of themselves, be it the clothes that they wear, be it getting the haircut as frequently, be it getting their beard trimmed as frequently, be it smelling good, be it going and doing things with their friends, be it- you know, being a man of interest, a man that’s interesting because he has things going on in his life. And typically, like I said, that gets eroded for the guy. And oftentimes, at least in my opinion, in my experience, the guys end up placing so much emphasis on the relationship being the thing that completes them. When the relationship is good, they’re good. When the relationship is bad, they’re bad. They are reactive to the frame and the state of the relationship versus creating the state and the frame of the relationship. And it just reeks of codependence as well, and it’s not a good place to be at all.
So ,what can the guys do if they’re in this position? First thing you get to do, first thing I’d like you to do anyways, if this is resonating with you- How can you become a man of interest again? How can you become interesting? What are the hobbies that you have stopped doing that you’d like to do, or what are the new interests that you keep talking about, or the things you keep saying you want to do, or the places you want to go, or the tattoo you want to get, or whatever it may be, that you just keep putting off? And instead of being an interesting guy who’s living his life full of desire and direction and decisiveness, you’re kind of just living a bit of a vanilla life, not even enjoying the value of boring, like we spoke about on the previous podcast, because you’re not hitting singles.
In fact, you’re not even on the bench, about to walk up to the pitch and take a strike. Instead, you’re watching everybody else play the game. Often criticizing people that are playing the game,criticizing the people that are putting themselves out there and taking a risk, because it’s easier to do that than it is for you to get off the bench and put yourself in the game, and really take control of your life. And I know this may be triggering for some people to hear, I know that it definitely triggered me a few years ago. But the reality is, if you’ve lost the sex frame, and there’s neutrality, then this is one of the reasons.
Mystery has gone out of the bedroom, it’s gone out of the marriage. It’s has been replaced with the mundane, routine, especially if there’s kids there as well. If you’ve got a business too, then you’ve got to find ways to spice it up. And it all start with you. Because if you just try and do that straight into the relationship, and straight into the bedroom, it’s going to be kind of jarring, it’s not going to be in sync with how you live your life. And instead, you could- honestly, you could kind of come across like a bit of a sex pest, because you just want to throw all this newness in the bedroom, but you can’t back it up with any real substance, because out of the bedroom, you’re not living your life in a way that would mirror the excitement that you want to see in the bedroom.
And I’m not talking about doing crazy stuff here. I’m just talking about you really feeling fired up again, feeling fired up about yourself, feeling fired up about your life, instead of living a life where you are self-sacrificing, where you’re complaining, where you are self-sabotaging. Because typically, if you’re doing those things, it’s gonna be difficult to bring that kind of fire and energy outside of the bedroom, first and foremost, so it can spill over into the bedroom.
So, let’s start there. What are the hobbies you’ve given up? What are the things you want to do? What are the things you keep talking about? How do you get to introduce and inject more of that fire and that flare outside of the bedroom. You will just reclaim the frame, by the way. You don’t have to try and reclaim the frame by doing this, you will begin to reclaim the frame, it’ll just happen naturally. And that can then spill over into the bedroom when it’s there outside the bedroom first.
Doug Holt: That’s awesome. I love those points, Tim. And coach Franco, as you know, wrote a whole ebook on this. He’s one of our advisors and coaches. And he wrote a whole ebook, basically, our whole program on how to reclaim the sex frame as a cheat sheet, right? It’s how to have more passionate sex on your terms, with actually the desire of your wife being there. There’s eight points that he has in there. We’ll touch on one more for this podcast, you touched on one already. What I’d like to do here is, if it’s okay with you, Tim, give these guys the opportunity of getting this cheat sheet, so you guys can put it into action. So guys, I’ll tell you exactly how you can get this cheat sheet for free at the end of this podcast.
But another one I see a lot of men do when this happens is, they put their wife up on a pedestal. They put her in this light of- There’s the Whore-Madonna complex, one of the ways they do it. We’ve done a whole podcast on that as well guys, you can go back and search the archives. Just go to thepowerfulman.com, click podcast. We have them on YouTube, Spotify, you name it. But guys will put their wives on this pedestal so high that she could do no wrong. Like, her farts smell like roses. And when they do this, that needy energy comes up so often. I can think of a couple guys that you and I have talked to recently, Tim, that continuously put their wives up on this pedestal, of this idea that they could do no wrong. And this completely backfires for these guys.
Every time they do it, their wife treats them like a dog. Because they’re acting like a dog, they’re acting subservient to her, and they put her- it’s not to say that you shouldn’t value your wife. I look up to my wife in so many ways. I value her in so many ways. However, I don’t have her on this false pedestal of this perfect human being that she’s not. One, it’s not fair to her. Two is, that takes all the sexiness out of the relationship. And Tim, you alluded to polarity a little bit earlier. When you have somebody on a pedestal, there is no polarity. Right? There can’t be. Or at least you can’t be the dominant pole in that polarity, which ruins it for you. So, guys, what you need to do is make a list of- what are all the ways in which you think your wife is perfect? All the ways in which you put her on a pedestal? All the ways that maybe you’ve lost her respect? When you’ve made this list, look at these things and go, hey, are they true? Are they unquestionably true? Odds are you’re gonna find that they’re not.
Tim Matthews: For sure, I think it’s easy to do as well. It’s a trap that a lot of the guys fall into, when they first come to us. And I think they do it as well to make themselves feel better about certain situations. The reality is, you know, as a guy, when you’re not stepping to the line. Certain behaviors creep in that you hide from people. You start secretly watching porn, or you start secretly fantasizing about other women, or you start to flirt with women in the office, or whatever it may be. You start to venture down Temptation Alley, if you will. Because it’s easier to do that than it is for you to get off the fence in your life and in your relationship, and actually take some kind of action. Now we spoke in the previous episode about the importance of filling your cup and coming from a place of fullness. The reality is, if you’re not doing those things for yourself, and then you try and get off the fence in your own life or your own relationship and take action, it’s much harder to do it from a place of emptiness. Right?
We talk about the five agonies a lot when you’re living from the outside in, on the path of force. Those agonies are greed, anger, shame, loneliness, and uncertainty. I mean, just listening to those five, imagine coming from that kind of place, yet trying to create polarity in your relationship. It’s very difficult to do, it’s playing not to lose. Imagine when you play not to lose- imagine if you were playing not to lose when you first approached your wife, in those early days of you dating, and your trepidation, and you didn’t touch her with firmness, you were doubtful in the text messages that you send, versus being assertive, and playful, and cocky. That’s what attracted her in the beginning.
And typically, you will have come from that place, because you will have been- you would have showed up to dates dressed well, smelling good, probably having had a fresh haircut, probably even having bought some clothes. You would have thought about where to go, you would have been light and funny and jovial. You wouldn’t have been thinking about work when you would have been on that debt- or the likelihood is, anyway. You would have been present, you would have been engaged. The conversation would have been flowing. You would have had some confident masculine body language that would have been there.
You know, all these things will have been there. So, the good news is, as we spoke about many, many times, this is why we call it the AM, because typically guys lose touch with this side of themselves, and then become deactivated and fall into DEER and all those things. But the good news is that that guy still exists inside of you, and you can activate him. And when you do, these things start to come back. And when these things start to come back, that in itself, all those things I just described, those symptoms of you smelling good, and the masculine body language, and all those things, they’re all examples of you holding the masculine frame. You showing up on that day and being decisive and having direction. And when you do that, guess who then takes the feminine frame? There you have your polarity, at which point, you can start to introduce more of the sensuality and the sexuality back into the bedroom. But it’s got to be outside the bedroom first.
Doug Holt: 100%. And it’s extremely important that you own this frame, and own it permanently. And this is something you can continuously stoke this fire in the relationship. I have a wood burning stove, Tim, and I love it. So. we have full heat here. So, I don’t need to use it to rely on heat, but I love putting it on. And when we get that fire going, it takes a while. Right? It takes a while to warm up. But when that fire is rolling, I could put a log covered in snow into that wood burning stove – It’s going to catch fire. It’s just so hot. The whole container around it, the actual cast iron is hot. We’re talking very, very hot. So anything I put on there, it’s gonna burn, it’s gonna have it. But getting that fire stoked can take some time.
And that’s why I want to give these guys Franco’s training on reclaiming the sex frame. So guys, if you would like this, really simple, all you have to do is shoot over an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and just email that address with the word reclaim. All you have to do. Simple as that. And somebody in our team will actually shoot you over that resource so you can have it.
There’s eight things that are defined with action steps within that training resource, something we want to give to you. Coach Franco put it together for clients, and we want to give that to you guys no charge. You just simply have to email. In fact, I’m gonna charge them, Tim. It’s gonna cost you five push ups. Five push ups, or press ups if you’re in the UK or Europe. Five push ups or press ups is your entry point. You gotta email it over. Once you get it, you owe me five push ups. Once you do those five push ups, fair trade, we’ll call it even. And that way you guys have this resource to do. And of course, I want you guys to take action on it, right? Don’t just read it, don’t just download it. Read it, go through it, digest it. If you have questions, go over to our free Facebook group, you can ask them there. Our coaches and advisors will be active in that community for you guys. If you’re not in that free Facebook group, and you are a business owner or executive, please go over there. You can apply, somebody will get you in the door, and you can ask questions specifically about this training or any of our podcasts as they come through.
Tim Matthews: I love that you’re giving that away. I think it could help a lot of guys to take action on it. I think it could help. We’ll, I’ve seen it help a lot of guys.
Doug Holt: It’s a great resource that Frank cobbled together. So guys, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’re in your corner, guys, but you got to do the work. And we’ll see you next time on the TPM Show.