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How To Truly Lead Your Family By Taking The First Step

Episode #781

Are you struggling in your marriage and feeling disconnected from your partner? Do you find yourself searching for answers but unsure where to turn?

Join Doug Holt and Ryan Peach as they dive deep into the challenges many men face in their relationships and the path to reclaiming leadership in their homes.

Through heartfelt conversations and personal anecdotes, Doug and Ryan explore the journey of rediscovering oneself and reigniting the spark in a marriage.

With insights drawn from their own experiences and the stories of countless men they’ve helped, they offer practical advice and actionable steps for men to take charge of their lives and relationships.

In this episode, you’ll learn valuable strategies for regaining leadership in your home, including prioritizing self-care, holding space for your partner, and seeking help when needed.

Discover how taking decisive action and investing in personal growth can transform not only your marriage but also your sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

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Transcription

Doug Holt  00:00

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. I am here once again with Mr. Ryan Peach, Deadpool himself. So he’ll be joining us here. So if you haven’t listened to the previous episode with Ryan, please go back and listen to that first. It’ll build on the one that we’re going to talk about today. So Ryan is one of our senior advisors. And what does that mean? That means, if you inquire about The Activation Method, if you inquire about The Powerful Man programs, Ryan might be one of the men that you get on a phone call with. He is an advisor, this is what he does full-time out of his love for the men for the movement.

Ryan is not only doing that but he’s also, guys, he’s been where you’re sitting. He has gone through the program himself. He’s gone to The Alpha Reset, he’s been to our Brotherhood events, and he’s joined our team, gosh, three, four years ago at this point, and he’s just been a delight. So we have an event here at the TPM Ranch, we have 106 acres. Right now we have an event going on. Ryan volunteered, so I was able to pull him in here to get a couple of podcast episodes with him. So Ryan, thanks for being here, buddy.

Ryan Peach  00:58

Bud, thank you for having me. I’m stoked and honored to be a part of it.

Doug Holt  01:02

Yeah, absolutely. Well, one of the things we were talking about off camera that I want to talk about and get your perspective on and so the guys can really grasp from your knowledge. I mean, you get the opportunity of talking to thousands, literally thousands of business leaders all over the world on a regular basis. So it gives you a really cool visual, right? You have so many data points to look on. What I want to talk about is a man taking leadership in his family. How can a man truly lead in his family so that he gets the outcome that he’s really looking for?

Ryan Peach  01:34

Yeah. So, love basketball. One of my favorite analogies is what did Kobe and Michael do that was different than everybody else? Some of the greatest players, at the end of the game, those are the guys you want taking the shot, right?

Doug Holt  01:50

Absolutely.

Ryan Peach  01:51

So there’s a story of Kobe specifically. He was in the gym, it was an away game and one of the players from the other team comes in about 04:00 AM, right? He’s the first guy in the gym. Kobe is already there and he’s practicing. And so the guy gets on the court and he goes through two hours of his normal practice from 04:00 to 06:00. And he gets ready to leave and he realizes Kobe is still there, still practicing. And so he’s like, man, that guy is crazy.

And so later he reaches out to Kobe, and he’s like, “Man, you were in the gym, like two, three hours.” Kobe was like, “Brother, I got there at 03:00 AM. I was getting ready to leave and you came in. And I told myself I am not leaving until he leaves.” And he was like, “That was such a bold move.” And so lead your family, lead yourself. Are you the first step? Are you the one setting the stage? Do you set the tone? How do you take care of yourself? Are you in shape or are you not? Are you working on yourself or are you not? Your family will follow your lead. So the number one thing I see for leaders is to lead themselves first.

Doug Holt  03:02

Yeah. That’s the thing is your family will follow your lead, your wife will follow your lead if you’re leading. And so I think so many of us guys, so many guys that I talked to anyway, they’re leaders in their business. And as soon as, this is the analogy I use, they touched that doorknob of their home, it’s like kryptonite. They turn into a different guy. They’re no longer the leader and they take a subservient role, subservient role with the kids, a subservient role with their wife, right? And they get too timid. They become a nice guy and they’re just trying to make her happy. How can I make her happy so she doesn’t get upset? Maybe I can have some intimacy sometime this month, something along those lines, and it doesn’t work out, because they’re not leading from the front.

Ryan Peach  03:43

Yeah. They’re too afraid to step into the uncomfortable, to stretch outside of themselves, which they do in business all the time, they do in the gym all the time, right. Like, talk to guys all the time, who a lot of the guys that we work with, either used to be in great shape, or are still in good shape. And I’m like, oh, cool. So like, when you go to the gym, you don’t push yourself, right? Like, if you’re picking up 20 pound dumbbells two years ago, you’re still picking up 20-pound… Oh, no, I’m doing 40s now. Interesting. How’d you do that? Oh, well I picked them up and I got the 25s and then I could do two of those, and then I could do three. I’m like, oh, so you loved the challenge there. You love to grow there.

In your business, oh, we want to go from half a million to a million next year. Oh, so you just do the same things you’ve been doing, right? Well, no, we had to stretch, we had to innovate. We had to fail and make mistakes. But it was okay because we knew where we were going. Oh, so are you still doing the same things in your marriage that you’re doing two years ago that weren’t working? Yeah. Oh, so you were doing the laundry, but now you’re also doing the dishes? Yeah. Oh, interesting. So maybe you need to innovate. Maybe you need to innovate as a man, maybe to innovate as a husband, as a father. Do something that you’ve not done, and be willing to fail towards the vision of the guy you want to be versus just sitting in the same stuff you’ve been doing.

Doug Holt  05:04

Yeah, I mean, we look at startups, the startup world is the world I come from. It’s fail forward fast, right? That’s the thing, you just fail forward fast, and the faster you can fail, the faster you can innovate, and you’re going to dominate your market. And it’s the people that are doing the same thing, expecting a different result, which is the definition of insanity, right? We all know that yet we do it in our lives. Why do you think that is?

Ryan Peach  05:26

I think because relationships are different. Relationships are not something we’re taught about. And as a man, we exist to protect and take care of our families, to make our wives happy. And so when that doesn’t happen, and we’ve never been given the tools, we’ve never been taught, it opens up a part of us that we never had opened before. There’s this fear of like, oh, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix this. I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel shame. And that is new for us, because as men in business, there’s usually a period of learning, right?

Like, most men don’t just come out of high school having no idea how to do marketing, and they’re like, I’m just going to start a marketing agency, right? They’ll do 10 years in an agency or learning from somebody, cultivating. Again, in the gym, most of us don’t just walk into a gym and start picking up weights. It’s like, no, we’ll go with a friend that’s been there before. And we have this startup period of getting to learn before just being thrown in the fire. Relationships, especially marriage, especially marriage with kids, we’re just thrown in the fire.

Doug Holt  06:35

Yeah. Well, we all — I mean, I remember distinctly Ryan, thinking this, which is so funny, is I remember wiser, older couples kind of warning me about marriage. Not warning me not to get married, but like how tough it could be and the difficulties of marriage. And just being a cocky guy that I was in my 20s, or actually, I got married in my late 30s. But being that guy that think, yeah, that’s not going to be us. When you think about — now I look back and laugh, because every couple doesn’t think it’s going to be them.

But one out of every two marriages results in divorce, statistically, like that’s a stat. And when 70% of those divorces are initiated by the woman, that goes to 90% if she’s got a college degree or better. Saying that quickly because I say it a lot, that you think about that. Okay. I have a 50% chance of this working out, and odds are if it’s not going to work out, she’s going to initiate the divorce because I didn’t take action.

Ryan Peach  07:28

Yeah, that stat scares me to death because as men, we’re so focused on working so hard that we never see it, right. For a woman — So I talk to guys a lot and I’m like, listen, you are the guy in the Amazon with the machete, right. There’s animals all around, the weeds are really high, there’s no path through the woods, through the forest. [inaudible 00:07:53] so you’re up in front, and you’re cutting everything down, you’re scaring off any animals, you’re creating this path for your family.

Problem is your wife is behind you and she’s not moving, right, because she hears the animals, she sees the darkness, she sees the uncertainty. And she says, “Hey, I don’t feel safe.” As men were like, “Well, I’m just going, just catch up. Just catch up with me, honey, I got you.” And she’s like, “No, no, I need you to come back because I don’t feel safe.” And men, what happens is we stop, we turn around and we see that she’s not walking with us, and that hurts our feelings. Why aren’t you opening up to me? Why aren’t you having sex with me? Why are you talking so mean to me? All of the meanness, the pulling away, the lack of sex, lack of — it all comes back to she does not feel safe. I tell guys all the time it’s two things, lack of safety, lack of connection, and you cannot have connection without safety.

Doug Holt  08:48

You can’t and what happens all the time when men don’t take leadership, this is what I did Ryan and I say this because I know, after doing this for so many years, that most men fall into this, right. I want to make my wife happy, so instead of leading I took a backseat because I didn’t want to be overbearing. I wanted to be nice. I wanted to make sure that she was heard and all of these things. Like, where do you want to go have dinner tonight, honey? I don’t know. Well, okay. I don’t know either. And then you get in this land where you’re not being decisive anymore and it becomes easy.

Now you have a rudderless ship, right. There’s no leadership within the family. What’s going to happen? Well, I’m being a nice guy trying to give my wife all the decisions. She takes it on as stress and burden. And then she has to be in her masculine energy, which women don’t want to be in, they’re feminine, we want them to be feminine, they’re beautiful in that way. But she has to start making decisions. And that’s not natural for her. Not that women can’t be decisive. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But what I am saying is, the man is not making those decisions for her or for them that’s going to move their family forward and she’s forced into a role that doesn’t feel comfortable.

Ryan Peach  09:57

Yeah. And for most men when I am speaking to them about leadership, leading the feminine, they’re like, oh well, my wife is a very strong woman, right? She’s in business or she kicks ass at home or whatever it is I’m like, yes. But she is looking for someone who will lead her. Yep, she’s probably a leader in some way in her life, whether it’s with the kids or in a business. But for her to feel that she can be her true self, really open up, she needs someone to lead her. And one of the most valuable things that I learned about in my marriage was what I did was I stopped sharing who I was, right? I placated, I pretended that I was okay when I wasn’t, I became an actor, right. I put the mask on, I smiled. And she gets it. She feels it, right.

She’s like, this isn’t my husband. My wife told me, she’s like I want you to be mad at me. Sometimes she would do things to invoke anger. I want to see that you have it. I want to see your teeth. She wants the WOLF. And by me being able to say, hey, that’s bullshit, we’re not doing that. That hurts me. When you do this, it hurts. I’m not happy all the time. I’m not good all the time. I literally, in that moment, watch my wife soften. Thanks, thanks. I didn’t know.

Doug Holt  11:21

Yeah, because if you can’t stand up to your wife or stand up for yourself, then how are you going to protect her from the guy down the street that’s trying to harm your family or anybody else? You can’t. You go into what we call DEER mode, which DEER is an acronym for the guys that don’t know, Defend, you defend yourself, you make excuses, you explain yourself, and then you react. I was captain react right to the situation when I was triggered. Versus the WOLF, which is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving and?

Ryan Peach  11:50

Fierce.

Doug Holt  11:01

Fierce. And what good is a wolf or a protector if they can’t protect somebody? That’s why the logo for TPM is a wolf with blood, but it’s got a rose in its mouth. The wolf has the ability of being delicate, taking care of its family, being loving, open, very wise, but also fierce.

Ryan Peach  12:07

Yes, it’s that line, right. We talked here at The Alpha Reset this weekend, we talked to the guys about the line. Like listen, be wise, be open, be loving. That’s great. You might be that guy 95% of the time. But you internally have to have that line where this is unacceptable. And when it gets crossed, fierce comes out. She can see it, she can feel it, she wants that energy of I am safe with him. Because if someone comes to hurt me, even if it’s myself, even if it’s my past judgments, he’s going to be able to bring that masculine, that fierceness that’s going to make me feel safe.

Doug Holt  12:52

That’s exactly it. Because your woman knows that she could herself. We had Dr. Marie Agnew on here a couple of weeks ago. And one of the things that she was talking about is women with their hormone fluctuations. They won’t talk about it to their man. But when they talk to her, a professional, they’ll talk about they feel like they’re going crazy. Like, am I going crazy? And she needs a strong man, your woman, to hold her and support her. And she may never tell you these things, guys, because she’s scared. But she wants you and if you’re not standing up for yourself, right, then how can she expect you’re going to stand up for her?

Ryan Peach  13:27

Yeah, again, thinking about a gym analogy, right? Like, yeah, maybe when you were younger in your relationship, you could be a man that could emotionally lift 20 pounds, but now you have kids. Now the stakes are higher. Now there’s been mistakes, there’s hurts. As we grow, our brains develop like these other parts that open up that we realize like, oh, this happened to me when I — like these things happen for women that they just, they begin to feel more and understand more and hurt more. And so you can’t be the same guy lifting the same weight. The only way that you grow in your leadership is to be in the gym, right? Be in the emotional gym, be in the relationship gym, be in the internal self gym of, man, yeah, like for me, the hardest work I did wasn’t on my marriage. The hardest work I did was on myself. Looking at myself in the mirror and being like, man, yeah, I’m not fierce, right? Like, Franco Burrows’ is one of our coaches. One of the best gifts that he ever gave me was his honesty. He goes, Ryan, you’re very open, you’re very loving. With your wife, I don’t think you’re very wise and I know you’re not fierce. That hurt, right. I got mad at him. I was like, bullshit. You know, all the stuff that comes in.

Doug Holt  14:44

Yeah, when someone tells you the truth, man, it stinks.

Ryan Peach  14:47

Yeah, it does. And I went and I looked in the mirror and I was like, that’s true. I was able to stack the evidence of like, oh, yeah, this guy came up to my wife. I did nothing. My wife said this, I did nothing. I’m not living in my truth. My truth scares me, that fierceness scares me. What if the fierceness comes out and I lose everything that I’ve built, what’s the alternative? I placate, I suffer, I build resentment. I’m going to lose everything anyways.

Doug Holt  15:20

Exactly. That’s exactly the point, and I think guys just don’t get that. They think that they just hope and wait it out. You’re going to lose everything and it’s going to suck even worse because you’re not speaking your truth, if you will, or living the best part of your life that you want to live.

Ryan Peach  15:34

Yeah. There was a movie that came out a long time ago called The Punisher, the comic books and all of that. And there was a scene in that movie that really stuck out to me. At the very end, he’s going through and he’s killing everybody and taking his revenge. And with one guy, he puts a grenade in his hand, just a grenade, right? If you’ve ever held a grenade, it’s very light. You can throw it like a baseball, he puts it in his hand, but he puts the guy’s arm in a way that all he can do is hold it. He can’t put his elbow down, he can’t rest it, he’s got to hold it. It’s amazing. The longer he holds it, the heavier that grenade gets. His arm begins to shake and shake and shake. Arm falls, pulls the pin, guy blows up. We do that internally with all the stuff that we carry.

Yeah, 20 years ago, it wasn’t that heavy. But as we just continue to carry it, it gets heavier and it weighs us down more, and our wives feel that weight. They are so emotionally in tune and they love you, guys, they love you. They see you, they want the best for you, they begin to suffer because you suffer. And so as a leader, it’s not her burden to carry how you were hurt as a kid, what you went through, the shaming, the guilt. Whether it was parents or it was a friend or an uncle or someone who built into the story that you’re not enough or that you’re not worthy, that’s not her work to do.

And so again, as a leader, right, Kobe, Michael, they weren’t waiting for other guys to get to the gym first. They weren’t waiting for someone to pass them the ball. Like, no, I’m going to get in the gym, and I’m going to do the work that I know I need to do on myself to build the best version of me. Then the likelihood is, right, I talk to guys all the time. The number one thing I hear with guys, typically, at the end of the calls were like, how do I know this is going to work? What’s the success rate? I can tell you all day, it’s 100% going to work for you. I can tell you that. But I can tell you. With Michael, with Kobe, the best players in the world. They’re in the gym early and they’re working on themselves, because they want to put themselves in the best position to win. They don’t win all the time. But they win a hell of a lot.

Doug Holt  17:45

Yes. I love that, buddy. So why did you join The Activation Method? So as I said earlier in the introduction and the other is you came in as a client of the Activation. In fact, most of the men that work in the movement, so we have about 36 people actively working in the movement we call The Powerful Man to help men around the world. You know, really our mission is to help kids. We help kids by saving the dad and helping the marriages. So almost all the guys, the men that work with us have gone through the program. Why did you join the program?

Ryan Peach  18:22

So I knew I was doing everything right. You know, I was making the money, I was taking care of my family and I was buying the same BS that a lot of us do, right? Like, this is just a hard season, right, young kids, all of that. And so I was ignorant to the fact that my wife was hurting. And then it became very clear one day. It was, she made it very clear to me, thank God, that hey, this isn’t working for me. Like, I will not do this, this way forever. And so when that happened and I saw her hurt for the first time, it broke me. It broke my heart because as a man, all we want is for our wives to be happy, right? That happy wife, happy life sort of thing.

And what I realized for me and the shift for me was that I took inventory. I was like, okay, I don’t like who I am. I’m not confident when I come in the door, I have these stories that my wife is a bitch, I yell at my kids. I work out not because I want to be in good shape but because I don’t like who I am. And so I reached out to Tim and I was just like, “Man, I don’t like who I am. My wife is thinking about leaving. My kids are not happy. It feels like my world is falling apart.” And the hardest thing and the reason I reached out, but the hardest thing upon reaching out was the humbling part of admitting that I know that I’m not doing enough. I know that I’m working hard, but I’m not doing enough of the right things.

And so I reached out to Tim and Tim asked me probably, and this would be a question I ask the guys today is out of 100% of the man that you want to be thinking that you could be, where you are right now? And I go, I think I’m 15% of the guy that I know I want to be; the confident, the happy, the healthy, the thriving. And he was like, yeah, so how much more do you think you can create if you were to step into 50% of it, 65, 80%? I was like, man, I could probably change everything couldn’t I? He’s like, you know Tim, right? [inaudible 00:20:57] have a little head nod, maybe. And for me, it shifted from — I was heartbroken about my marriage.

And the hardest pill to swallow is that I knew that I didn’t know what to do. I’d done counseling, I’d done other things, the typical things, I’d read some books. I’m like, but I have no idea what I’m doing. And I know that if I don’t change, I told him the story. I said it was very clear to me that I was standing in the woods at the fork. And I clearly knew what the next 30 years looked like if I went left. [inaudible 00:21:40] new skills, my wife’s going to leave, or have an affair or go get what she needs somewhere else, dive into her business, dive into the kids. I know, I can see it. Like, it is clear as day. I’m not an idiot, like this is where we’re going.

There’s this path over here that scares the shit out of me because I have no idea what it looks like. It’s dark. It’s uncertain. I’ve never been down a path like this. I never invested in myself before. But I know I don’t want that path. There’s not six paths, guys, there’s two. There’s what I’m doing, or choosing to do something different. And I was like, so I’ve got to do the scary thing. I’ve got to go where I don’t know what it’s going to be like. And when I made that choice, it was the most beautiful thing.

The first week in The Activation Method, it was like that dark path, there was lights. Yeah, I can’t see the end yet. But oh, Alpha Rise & Shine, man, I feel great. I feel alive for the first time. Have I been walking in the dark this whole time? Man, I had energy at the end of the day. And so the breaking point for me was realizing that I didn’t like me. And yeah, my marriage was failing, but I didn’t like me. That’s what shifted.

Doug Holt  23:03

I love that analogy, Ryan. Well, a couple, the path. And it’s one of the reasons that we do semi-private coaching. Like, a lot of these groups are semi-private coaching. We do offer one-on-one but semi-private coaching, because now you’re going down this dark path and you’re with a few other guys who are more like you than you’ll ever know. At first they’re like all these strangers, but they’ll become your brothers. And they’re holding torches as well to brighten up that path. And everybody goes through the peaks and valleys, right.

I always say the only way you can recognize that you’re on a peak is if you see a valley and you go down into the valley to see the next peak, and going through that. But what I love more is the fact that for guys to know that, when they get on a call with you, as an example, you’ve been there. Like, you know what it feels like to lay next to the woman you love, and I do too, and want to touch her but not want to touch her, hate her at times, probably, at least I did. And also just be frustrated because you just don’t know what to do.

Ryan Peach  24:06

Yeah. I talk to guys all the time and it’s, things are going great and then, we’ll have a good couple of weeks and then. I’m like, yeah, it’s the end, it’s the valley. You know when you’re on the mountaintop, that’s easy, right? You take the pictures, you smile, the Instagram, we had great sex on vacation. I’m like, yeah, you know exactly what to do then. It was in the valley, right, when my wife was upset, when I would touch her and she’d pulled away, there was that jerk, the eyes that wouldn’t connect, she couldn’t look at me. I didn’t know what to do. I was in DEER mode. I was stuck. And one of the best gifts that the men get in The Activation Method is something we call Hidden Motives. Because hidden motives was the key for me. It’s like oh, this is what I do when shit hits the fan. Oh, this is what I do when she’s distant. Now I have the tool, right, I have the light down the path.

And I will tell you, guys that go from Activation Method into The Brotherhood, kind of the 12-month long mastermind that we have, it’s being able to be surrounded by other men who have the same stories, who might be a little bit further down the path in some ways than me the coaching is fantastic. The trainings are fantastic. Everything is great, but it’s those guys at 02:00 AM on a Tuesday of like, hey, bro, shit hit the fan. I can’t stop thinking about this. You’ll never guess what she just said to me. And five guys will jump in and be like, bro, I heard that 20 times. Here’s what you do. That.

Doug Holt  25:48

Yeah, the community is amazing. I mean, you can imagine having thousands of men that go through the program on a regular basis, that community just gets bigger and bigger, because it works, and guys stick around, because it works. Yeah, it just works. It’s like, for most people, when you start working out again, and you notice some changes, it becomes addictive because you’re like, I feel great. This works, and I want to help others feel great too. And it’s a testament to you. So when you get on a phone call with a guy, you know the journey he’s on. Not his exact situation, of course, and everybody’s got variables, but you’ve, like I said, you’ve felt the pain. You’ve also felt the pleasure, you know what’s on that other side.

Ryan Peach  26:28

Yeah, yeah. I’ll cry with guys on calls sometimes because it’s real. It hurts, right? I’m like, I felt that same way. Like, I understand a lot of times for men, it’s anger, right? Anger is the first thing that comes up. I’m like guys, I’m sorry, you’re not angry, you’re hurt.

Doug Holt  26:45

Yeah, hierarchy of emotions, anger is the last one.

Ryan Peach  26:49

Yeah, you feel shame, you feel guilt, you blame yourself for not being able to do at home, which is the most important place. But you can do it in business, you can do it with friendships, you can do it with your family, but you can’t do it with your wife. I get it. And being able to sit with a guy and just shine the light down the path, that’s what I do. That’s the totality of my role is to simply say, you didn’t see this path before. It wasn’t lit up. You didn’t even know it was a path. And being able to, yeah, lock arms and walk down that path with that guy because I’m like, listen, I’ve walked this path a thousand times now.

Like, I can tell you like this is a well-worn path that you just didn’t have lit up. But I also know what that path is like that you’ve been going down. I know what your past is like. Like, yeah, my wife didn’t do exactly what yours is doing. I don’t have the same job you do. But more often than not, it’s probably one out of 100 guys, I’m like, “Oh, I don’t really resonate with your story.” But more often than not, I’m like, “Oh, so you feel like you don’t know what to do?” “Yeah.” “You feel confused?” “Yeah.” “You feel some shame in there?” “Yeah.” “You feel your wife pulling away?” “Yeah.” “Me too.” Then being able to say, “So when she does this, you do this?” “Yeah.” “What if you did this?” “Oh, so you’re just saying all I have to do is this?” “Yeah, that’s the main thing.”

There’s intricacies in how you do hidden motives and living like a king and things like this. But yeah, if you just do this, there’s not 15 things, guys. We’re not building a rocket ship. We’re not trying to get to the moon here. There’s two or three things that you have to do, but do them consistently. And do them when you feel like they’re not working. Again…

Doug Holt  28:52

That’s what consistency is about.

Ryan Peach  28:53

It’s consistency. It’s like I know this works even when it doesn’t feel like it’s working.

Doug Holt  28:57

Yeah. And again, I think that’s the key here is all of us feel that our situation is so unique, right? And with the methodology we teach, The Activation Method, what we’re doing guys is we’re showing you how to reactivate that man inside of you that you’ve always known is there. And probably was the guy who said I do at the altar and you’ve lost him along the way. We help you not only find him again, reactivate him, but also give you a few of the tools and techniques that you’re going to need to allow your wife to be seen, heard, and desired. And what I hear from the women all the time and I know you do too, Ryan because the wives reach out to us, we get thank you letters from them, which is so cool.

Ryan Peach  29:41

Yeah, that’s so cool.

Doug Holt   29:42

I have a bunch of these letters posted in my office. They’ll say you know I feel seen for the first time in my life. So it’s not only in their marriage but also as a child, you know, in that picture, this little girl not being seen or feeling that way anyway, or heard. And now all of a sudden, from the brink of divorce, and a lot of times we get guys that are going through divorce proceedings that turn it around. It doesn’t always happen. But again, guys give it a 4.9 something. I can’t remember that, I got to go look it up. But I know it’s over a 4.9 rating out of five that they got what they wanted. And even if the marriage didn’t work out, they got what they wanted.

And so where I’m going with that is, it’s all about figuring out how to take that first step. And you walk, the thing I love about you is you not only lead the men, but you show them how, as we started this, leading their houses, and the guys once again can step in as the leader of their home. And even if you fumble guys, you’re leading, right? And your wife is going to trust your lead. It may take some time. If you’ve been a jerk for 10 years, she’s not going to change her mind in 10 days, that all of a sudden, you’re this changed man. But when you reactivate and find that man that you lost inside of you, and you give him the keys to the car, you let him drive, that’s what we want to do.

Ryan Peach  30:58

Yeah. Again, I play sports. I use sports analogies all the time. New England Patriots, we think of them now as one of the most successful NFL football teams of all time. Go back pre-Tom Brady, they didn’t exist. Like, I honestly didn’t know they were a football team. They were that bad. And then what they did was they didn’t say, hey, we need to be champions tomorrow, we need the results tomorrow. But we’re going to strategically and consistently take steps towards building a dynasty.

And when we lose a game, we’ve been losing and losing. When we lose a game, it doesn’t mean the season’s over, doesn’t mean the dynasty is over. We’re going to learn from that. I’m going to go back to the gym. I’m going to watch film, which, within The Activation Method, it’s what I love about our toil, right, [inaudible 00:31:53] of intentional living. That’s the game film for the guys every week. Come in, like, “Hey, did you hit the outcomes?” “Oh, I hit 70% of them.” “Okay. Well, let’s talk about that 30. Where didn’t you show up?” “Oh, I lost my cool.” Oh, so game film tells us that you did great in the first, second and third quarter, but in the fourth quarter, we fumble. We lost there. It’s okay. How do we not fumble next time?

And then you continually take steps consistently so that way when you’re back on the field again, you’re in the middle of the shit, she’s yelling, she’s upset, calling you names, feeling disconnected you’re like, oh, because of game film, because of my coach, because of the other men on my team, now I know what I’m going to do differently this week. And just like the Patriots, right, boom. Now we’ve won six championships, Tom Brady is the best quarterback, Bill Belichick is the best ever. Then it just becomes easy, it’s effortless.

Now I know the recipe for winning because I was able to watch game film, learn from my mistakes, surrounded by teammates going in the same direction, and I had a coach that knew what he was doing. It’s a simple recipe, guys. And if you don’t have those things in your life, then you’re probably not winning.

Doug Holt  33:15

Yeah, you’re not. And I always look at this, Ryan and wrapping up here, is it’s like Super Mario Brothers, you know, playing as a kid. You know, I don’t know if I have a second game shot at this. This is my one shot at this game we call life. And for me, I’m 46, will be 47 here in a little bit. Yeah, you got to make the best of these years we have left.

Ryan Peach  33:36

Yeah, yeah. The biggest mistake of all the mistakes that I see men make is they put it off. You always think you have more time than you do.

Doug Holt  33:50

Yeah, someday, someday.

Ryan Peach  33:51

Someday when I’m less busy, when she starts to do some work too, when she wants to work on it, when the kids get into college, when I make this big deal. Like, man, what if the deal falls through? What if it stretches out? The movie Click, right, fast forward through life. And he’s like, wait, that deal was supposed to take six months, it’s been four years. You can always find an excuse to put things off. Or you can take massive action like we say or you can decide that today is the day. I’m no longer going to live in my excuses, my stories, my past. I’m not going to wait for the future to come to me. I’m going to grab it. You’re going to be Kobe, you’re going to be Michael. You’re going to choose to wake up, get in the gym and go to work before anybody else, before anybody sees you, before anybody knows what you’re doing, you’re going to choose because that’s who you want to be.

Doug Holt  34:48

Yeah, 100%. Well, Ryan, wrapping up here, let’s give these guys three things they could do today to regain leadership in their home.

Ryan Peach  34:58

First of all, always take care of yourself. So fill your cup up first, which as men, we like to take care of everybody else’s cup. Number one, do something that you love or inspires you. It can be as easy as taking a walk and listening to a book. It can be going to the gym, it can be setting up a weekly golf outing with a friend, but do something that fills you up so that you can pour into others. I think that’s one. Two is, hold space. It can literally mean silence sometimes, but just allow your wife to share what’s on her mind. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to fully understand it, but just allow her to share.

And I think the final thing for me is, if there’s an area that you are not successful, if it’s business, it’s the gym, if it’s your marriage, take action by getting help. Don’t read another book. Books are great, podcasts are great, but find someone in some way, whether it’s our program, whether it’s a wise old man that you know that you look up to, and start spending time with that person. Start investing your time, your money and your resources into that area. That’s what leaders do, they take action and they find people that have been there before. Love it, man.

Doug Holt  36:22

Thanks so much for being here, dude.

Ryan Peach  36:24

It’s my pleasure, man.

Dough Holt  36:25

Yeah. Gentlemen, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And I say that because there’s two types of people and I know where I used to be. I would go from one podcast episode to another and just collecting information waiting for the right time for the puzzle pieces to fall in place. And when things changed for me, they changed for me because I took massive action. I didn’t wait anymore. Now, whatever that action step is for you, Ryan gave you three amazing things that you can do today, right now. Hit pause, take action, take ownership of your life, take leadership of your family. We’ll see you next time.