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Why Doing The Inner Work Will Lead Your Wife Back To You

Episode #780

Why is it worthwhile to invest time and effort in nurturing relationships, even when tangible results may not be immediate?

In this thought-provoking episode, Doug and Ryan dive deep into the dynamics of relationships, prompting introspection with questions like, “Why plant seeds in February when you won’t see results until May?” and “Do you take the same approach with your relationship as you do with your business?” Through candid dialogue and personal anecdotes, they underscore the significance of consistency and effort in nurturing relationships, drawing parallels to the patient process of farming.

In this episode, you’ll learn about the transformative power of consistent effort in relationships, as illustrated through the analogy of farming.

Doug and Ryan emphasize the need to plant metaphorical seeds, nourish them with care, and patiently wait for the eventual harvest. The conversation explores the misconception that one can simply wait for results without putting in the daily work.

Listeners gain insights into the importance of vulnerability, seeking guidance, and taking intentional actions to create positive shifts in their relationships.

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Transcription

Doug Holt  00:00

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. I am here with one of my favorite people in the world, the amazing Ryan Deadpool Peach. And Ryan is — Not only has Ryan been through The Activation Method for self, he’s been to an Alpha Reset first as a client, and then he jumped on board to our team. And now he’s one of our senior advisors. So if you guys decide, hey, I’m just curious about The Activation Method, I want to know a little bit more about it, Ryan could be one of the men that you end up getting on a phone call with just to see where you’re at. And Ryan’s job and his mission in life is to help men. So that’s what he does currently. So, Ryan, thanks for being here, buddy.

Ryan Peach  00:37

Bud, thank you for having me. I’m stoked.

Doug Holt  00:38

Yeah, I’m excited to have you here. We’re lucky to have you here because we have an Alpha Reset that just went on, 13 amazing men going through that process. And you volunteered to be one of the guides for them to help them in their journey.

Ryan Peach  00:51

Yeah, it was such a beautiful experience to go through. To see guys come in with all their stories of why they are where they are, and being able to walk through the fire, through all of it, and to step into the most powerful version of themselves.

Doug Holt  01:06

Yeah, it’s cool. Those guys are on fire right now. I walked over into the house, and they are on fire. It’s like seeing 13 men who’ve been — had been plugged out of the matrix, if you will, and they are tuned in, turned on, and ready to roll.

Ryan Peach  01:18

And it’s amazing to watch the shift. Like, when it hits, the story ends and they step into reality, then this whole world shifts for them. And then they begin to make these intentional decisions based on who they really want to be versus the story they’ve been telling themselves.

Doug Holt  01:35

Yeah, which dives right into the topic I want to talk about today, we were talking about this off camera. And since you talk to thousands of men, and guys that inquire about the program, they’re not in a great place. When I say they’re not in a great place, it’s usually their marriage isn’t in a great place, or they just feel stuck and unsure. And so you talk to probably more businessmen than almost anybody that I know on a daily basis. And you’re saying one of the things that comes up frequently is the fact that men sometimes don’t think they should be doing the work. They shouldn’t do the work because their wife’s not doing the work or because there’s been an emotional affair, a physical affair, the moon’s in retrograde. I don’t know. There’s all kinds of excuses why they’re not doing the work. Tell me a little bit more about that.

Ryan Peach  02:19

Yeah, it’s common. Men, especially the businessmen, they’re high achievers, they work hard, they plow ahead into things. And so what tends to happen is right now when we first got married, man, we were bootstrapping it and we were together, and we were working hard. And I dove into the business or into my career, and have sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed. And now I’ve sacrificed all of this and there’s been issues, right. Things have come up and I want to address them and she doesn’t. And so I want to fix it and she doesn’t. Or I’ve done two years of counseling or work, whatever it is, and she’s not willing to do anything. And so it gets projected onto her that when she begins to change, then the marriage will change. And so then that becomes convenient for the guy because then you can sit back and look at everything that you’ve done and build this story. I call it creating a monster that doesn’t exist.

Doug Holt  03:20

Yes, that’s exactly what it is. And you see, as a businessman, you can see this play out in the business world. And this is akin to a guy who has a failing business and blames everything. Oh, well, if Biden wasn’t in office, my business would thrive. Oh, well, if the hurricane didn’t come in, or whatever it is. They blame the weather, politics. They’ll blame everything else but take ownership themselves.

Ryan Peach  03:44

Yes. Yeah. And what I always come back to with them, like listen, absolutely. She has her stuff. There are going to be things. But for a woman that is going to come from a different place than for a man. Men, we love challenge, we love the vision, we love to look forward, and it’s always so interesting to me. They’re like, well, honey, just do the work and just step into the uncomfortable. And for her, she’s got to have safety first. And so if she doesn’t feel safe, she’s going to stay stuck.

Doug Holt  04:16

Yeah, and for a lot of times, I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, a lot of men, because they’re blaming their wives, their wives can obviously know that, they can pick up on that. They become more of a beta and she feels okay, well if he’s going to blame me, criticize me critique me. She’s not feeling seen, she’s not feeling heard, certainly not feeling desired, the three things that all women need. And to your point, she’s not feeling safe. So she needs to take that on herself to provide safety for herself, probably emotionally mainly. But also, likely she’s looking at other things. Okay. Do I need to add another income? Where am I going to land? Women typically, they say, will plan a divorce or separation two years in advance. And most of us guys are blindsided. So now she’s taking on even more of a masculine role, and now you got two masculine energies competing against each other.

Ryan Peach  05:05

Yeah. And most men don’t know what to do with that. That’s where the monster comes in. She’s a bitch. She’s no good. She doesn’t see me for who I really am. And that’s not true. She’s very aware of how hard you work. She’s very aware of what they are doing. But she just knows internally that isn’t what I need. And so she’s sitting there hoping that he will figure it out, because she doesn’t want to have to tell him what she needs, because then she is in the masculine. And that ends up starting a cycle of, well, I did this, so… And she’s like, well, it didn’t fit for me, it didn’t work for me. And he’s like, well, then it’s your fault, because I’m trying really hard.

Doug Holt  05:50

Yeah. I laugh at it because one is I’ve been in that situation.

Ryan Peach  05:53

Me too.

Dough Holt  05:05

Right? Where I blame — I was like, well, if my wife changes then everything would be good. If she just opens her friggin’ eyes up and sees how amazing I am then this will all work out. And it has nothing to do with that.

Ryan Peach  06:03

No. And the biggest shift I see from men at the Reset this week is when the guy is able to go, oh, this is what I am doing. Oh, this is what I am creating. It is on me, right. We talked about the men being the gardener and the woman is the rose, is the flower. And yes, the flower has to bloom and to grow. But if the gardener isn’t cultivating an environment in which it can, or it’s difficult for her to thrive, then as a gardener, you have to take responsibility for the soil, for the nourishment. Now, the rose is going to do what it does. Sometimes you do everything right, and it still may not grow, but when a guy can see that, oh, yes, I’ve worked hard. Yes, I’ve put in effort, but I didn’t put the effort in the right place. I want to and I choose to put the effort in the right place, then he can begin to shift, then she will see something different.

For me, a lot of men, this comes from a place of blame. Well, she is saying this: Well, you’re no good, you’re a narcissist, you work too hard. And I always like to point out to men, well, there’s a cycle going on here. Something has happened, you’ve stopped showing up, stopped desiring her, taking her on dates, smacking her on the butt when you walk by giving her hugs, giving her kisses. And so she then receives that as I’m not worthy, I’m not valuable, I’m not seen, I’m not loved, I’m not safe. And so then the story begins to play for her that I am not enough of this guy. I’m not valuable to him. So then that creates this place of unsafety. And so she will either lash out or shut down.

And so then the guy receives that and he’s like, oh, well, she’s doing this to me. When he realizes, oh, the process started with me. And so if I change, then you can change the circle. So now you show up differently, you begin to be different, she receives something different. It’s not going to happen overnight. So it’s not that easy. She’s not going to trust it and lean into it first. But when you’re consistently sending a different program, then eventually she’s like, oh, I receive something different. So then something different comes out of her mouth appreciation, love, sex, respect. He received something different and now you have a cycle that works.

Doug Holt  08:33

That’s exactly right. And it’s not the guy’s fault because almost all of us, in fact, I would say all of us to be fair, have been taught the wrong things. We’ve never been taught how to relate in a marriage and how to have the relationship. And that’s why we have — it’s not the activation program, it’s The Activation Method. It’s a methodology that these guys can take in and apply to their homes. And the thing that’s always interesting to me, Ryan, and this is what you hear some of these guys at The Alpha Reset talking about is the kids are watching.

The kids are watching, the kids pick up on it, whether they “see it or not.” They feel the energy in the house, they feel all that. And that’s when you see the guys who actually make a shift and say, look, okay, she’s a bitch, whatever his story is about his wife, and I’m going to lead. I’m going to be the man that leads my family. And if it doesn’t work out, at least I did everything possible to do it. And guys, if you don’t do it, for your wife, for yourself, but do it for the kids at least.

Ryan Peach  09:32

Do it for the kids.

Doug Holt  09:33

Yeah. And these are skills, this methodology that you can teach your sons and your daughters and you can use with them to better connect. And there’s not one guy that’s been through our program, Ryan, and I know you know this, that hasn’t wanted to be more connected with their children as their children become adults. Unfortunately, we get also the guys who have let it go too long. They sat on the fence and not made a decision to make that change. And now they have grown adult kids who really don’t want anything to do with them. They’ll answer the phone, they’ll send the birthday card, the obligatory birthday card, but they haven’t learned the skills to have a good relationship. And it’s applied to their wife and they’ve also had that same skills that are applied their kids.

Ryan Peach  10:11

Yeah. Kids are a great mirror of how you are showing up as a man. Every single guy in the room this week, whatever story it was, like some guys had taken ownership right away. Some guys that were still on the story of their wife needed to accept them for this new person that they’d become. But every guy was like, oh, and the kids though, they’re hurting, they’re seeing it, right, we’re fighting in front of them. I’m not as present. I’m like, oh, so it’s not just your wife, it’s your kids. Are they being a bitch? No. Oh. So you see their hurt differently. And so you’re interacting with your kids the same way you are with your wife, how you do one thing is how you do everything. And so then, a lot of times that can be the light bulb, right of like, oh, well, if they’re receiving me this way, maybe she’s receiving me the same way.

Doug Holt  11:08

What’s the commonality here, right? Everybody around me is a jerk. Wait a minute.

Ryan Peach  11:13

Wait, maybe it’s me.

Doug Holt  11:14

Yeah, exactly. And a lot of us guys just need to be shaken up. And I know they’re — I’m  speaking to an individual right now that’s listening to this in their car or going for a walk who’s been listening to the podcast. Because I get these emails, “I have been listening to the podcast for a year, it’s amazing.” Get off the fence. And it doesn’t have to be our program, but do something to lead your life and lead your family.

Ryan Peach  11:35

Yes. I almost every conversation I have with a guy is, I don’t care if you join this program. If I think that it will do what it needs to do for you, I’m going to tell you that and I’m going to drive you in that direction. But get off your ass. Take ownership, 100% of your 50%. And so being able to go to bed knowing when you put your head on the pillow that man, I did everything. I know that I’m taking the right steps. I know that I’m consistent, which creates safety. I didn’t do it one day and then stopped doing it the next and then did it again the next day. I was consistent. If it was too late, it was too late. But man, I was in the game. We may have lost in overtime, but I never stopped playing.

Doug Holt  12:18

That’s the key right there. You want to be — the MVP doesn’t mean — they’re the most valuable player, it doesn’t mean they’re the best player. Because there’s somebody usually on the teams that I played in, Ryan, it’s the guy that doesn’t give up. But no matter what he is playing all out. And they usually win because of that, that [inaudible 00:12:33] nature. And when I think about this, the key here, one of the guys, I want to speak to one of the guys, if I can.

If you’re sitting at home or wherever you are listening to driving, or commute, or wherever you choose to listen to the show, or watching it on your TV, the key here really is what I would do is sit down with my wife and if you guys aren’t even on talking terms, just call the elephant out in the room. This is going to be the hardest conversation you have, guys, to date. But say, look, babe, I know things aren’t well between us. They’re not where you want them to be. They’re not where I want to be. But I’m going to do my damnedest to work on this and work on myself to be a better man. Odds are, that’s going to be received very well.

Ryan Peach  13:14

Yeah. Because what you didn’t do was put any onus on her.

Doug Holt  13:17

Correct.

Ryan Peach  13:18

Right. It is on me to be better.

Doug Holt  13:20

Yeah. And it is.

Ryan Peach  13:21

And it is. And for them, when a wife receives that, right, that’s a different program. I am taking ownership, I’m going to do what I need to do in order to give her what I think she needs, what I need for myself. And when I’m able to create that, then it gives me an opportunity, or it gives me the best opportunity to win.

Doug Holt  13:45

Yeah. I’m just getting excited here. I’m trying not to jump in. I think the key thing you say here is you’re doing it for yourself. And also, if you go back and listen to what I said, I never said sorry. I just called out the obvious. Our marriage isn’t where you want it to be and it’s not where I want it to be. We’re not happy. And so I think that is a really key element that guys get to do and then take action.

Here’s a question for you, Ryan. Out of all the guys that say, hey, she’s not doing the work, guys that come in and do a program like ours, and obviously, we have the data on the programs that we do. We actually take anonymous surveys from every man that’s been through the program. And out of a five star rating, I think we have a 4.94 rating on the program that guys get what they want. Out of the guys that come in, how many of the guys whose wife didn’t do the work do the wives actually change?

Ryan Peach  14:37

Oh, it is…

Doug Holt  14:38

I know you’re making up – roughly.

Ryan Peach  14:41

Yeah. One of the things that I love about what I get to do is, when a guy comes in, I get to have the opportunity to connect with them throughout their journey. Like, we’re checking in every week every, other week. Hey, how’s it going? How’s it going? And it’s 80-90% of the time week 3, 4, 5, somewhere in there, you’ll never guess what happened. It was like overnight, she just woke up and she was like, you’re this man and I love it. And she kissed me this morning, she grabbed my hand and she said she was sorry for — I know you’ve been working hard. I’ve seen it. I know that you love this family. I know that you love me. I know that, and I really appreciate you putting in the work.

And he’s like, I had no idea that she saw me. I had no idea that she was watching and that she was paying attention to me. It’s like, yeah, you finally created safety for her to be able to say what scared her. Because for a woman she is afraid to praise you. She’s afraid to take ownership of her side because for her, she’s already sitting at empty. So to take ownership and with a guy who is deactivated, who will take that and often throw it back in her face of I told you, you know. Well, if you had just go work on yourself that sends her past empty into just dead zone.

Doug Holt  16:06

It’s like a bank account, right. It’s an emotional bank account in your relationship. And the guy is trying to withdraw and it’s already on overdraft.

Ryan Peach  16:14

Yeah. I mean, I’ve been there.

Doug Holt  16:17

Yeah, so have I.

Ryan Peach  16:18

Like, I’ve had to walk into the bank and be like, listen, I have negative money. How do we fix this? That’s scary. I don’t know if I can get gas. And if I get gas, can I eat? And if I eat, can I pay rent? Imagine that emotionally. If I admit that I’m wrong and he doesn’t receive it well, I’m going to die. If I give him praise and he takes it and throws it in my face, I’m going to be empty. And so for her, she’s just in survival mode, which is not who she wants to be, it’s not her best version. And yet, for her, it feels like the only choice. So when you fill that emotional bank account up, and she feels safe, confident. Like, I’ve gone from, you know, when you’re broke and Friday comes and the paycheck hits the bank, right, party on the weekend. Like, it’s time to go out, I’m full again. It’s the same thing for her. You fill her up and the joy and the excitement and the fun comes back in because now she’s got something to give back.

Doug Holt  17:22

Yeah. And there’s two points I want to add to that. Right here where we’re filming, that’s if you guys are watching this, we’re in our studio. You guys listening to this, in the main house that we have, we run an event called The Alpha Reset, there’s two other coaches there. And one of the coaches was on a call with a group of guys that are going through the program. And I jumped in so they can take a group picture with the guys. And one of the guys said, hey, look, my wife and I are separated, we have space between us. And he was clearly emotionally upset about it, which is understandable.

And as we just were talking for that short dialogue, he’s only started a second week in our program, and his wife can’t even see him. And he was talking about it. He’s like, how do I show her? And then by the end of conversation, he already said, she’s already noticing changes. I go, yes. Because your energy, she can pick up your energy way before you’re in the room and she’s seeing that you’re putting in an effort, you’re making changes. When your wife looks at you guys, when you say I do and she’s looking in your eyes, she is seeing your potential. She sees it clearly.

And when I talk to the women, my wife coaching women, they will say all the time that it kills them inside to witness you not living your potential. It just kills them inside. And the worst thing that can happen by investing in yourself, whether it be listening to this podcast, whether it be going through a program, whether it be going to a retreat, whatever it is, the worst thing that can happen is your stock will rise. And as an investor, I don’t want to buy into stocks that I think are going down. That’d be a moronic move, the best way to lose your money. Your wife doesn’t either. She wants to invest in a stock, you, the man, her husband, the one she loves, she wants to invest in that stock that’s rising. As you do, you want to invest in your wife when she’s at her best and seeing her at her best.

And women will talk about this, guys. They’ll talk about it when I’ve talked to them. They feel, to use your rose analogy, like a flower that’s wilting and dying. And just looking for a breath of air, of sun, of water and it’s when it becomes too late. And the average I hear is about two years. And this is why 70% of marriages that end in divorce are initiated by the woman. The guy always thinks it’s — A shocker, right? 90%, Ryan — the number goes up to 90% initiated by a woman if your wife has a college degree or higher. This is the stat, you can Google it. Blows my mind and the guys are caught off guard. This is why you got to be proactive. If you have to be reactive, do it, get in, make up some shifts, but be proactive as well and make the changes.

Ryan Peach  19:53

Yeah, I would say, if not 100%, 90% of the men that I talked to this weekend, it was — they had this version of their wives that hated their guts. And when they finally get the truth from them, their wives don’t hate them. They’re hurt. I just, I missed the man I married. I love that guy. I see how good of a dad you are. It is sexy to me, it brings me joy, but I don’t get that from you. And it breaks my heart. And they’ll say, and so I shut down. I didn’t know what else to do, and so I shut down, and she’ll own it.

I shouldn’t have done that, I should have done something but I didn’t know what else to do. And so thank you for seeing me now; for creating space for me, for making me feel seen and heard and valued. And when you do that, then she begins to see the guy that she hoped she married. And then she gets excited. And then she’s pumped, and then she’s willing to be vulnerable. And guys can hear the words they want to hear. I am in love with you. I am sorry. I do want you. We can make this work. But you don’t get there by waiting for her to take action.

Doug Holt  21:16

Hopium, that’s not a drug you want, boys. And I’ve been there, man, early on, that’s kind of how we’ve come to this is I was hoping things would change. Sweep it under the rug, stiff upper lip and all that good stuff, it’ll be better. I’ll just go back to work —  I’ll just wait for tomorrow. I’ll get up, get out of the house, go to work, go to the gym, do my thing, come back and she’ll be in a better mood tomorrow. Oh, she’s not. Okay. Got to go to bed, repeat the cycle for weeks, months on end, for a lot of guys, years. And you get almost numb to it because it becomes your new norm.

Ryan Peach  21:52

Yeah, something that we can maybe dive into more another time is we deal with a lot of farmers and accountants and construction workers. We have peak seasons and slow seasons. And oh, well, I know, we’re hurting, but I’m coming into my busy season, so I’m not going to have time. Well, it’s February now, so May, things are going to slow down. And I’m like, okay. Are you ever going to have another busy season again? Oh, well, yeah, every year. Okay, so you’re telling me, I’m sure that your wife is feeling the same way that when the busy season comes in, the only thing that matters is work. That is what’s going to take your priority.

Oh, no, that’s not what — You just don’t understand. I’m like, no, I understand completely. I know that you are busy. I get it. It’s not to take away from that. But what is it, show me your calendar and show me your bank account and I’ll show what’s important to you, right? And if you’re investing your money in your business and you’re investing your time, and that’s what’s in your calendar, that is where your priorities lie, and she feels that from you.

Doug Holt  23:03

No doubt about it. Yeah. So, we’ll sit down with a man who come into the program. So when I do like a one-on-one client, I’m working with them. Sometimes I’ll say, all right, pull up your bank account. A guy’s like, what? No, do a screen share right now, pull up your bank account. I want to see where you’re spending your money. And luckily, guys have the trust in me that they’re willing to do that. And we have some deep conversations. Every dollar is a vote. What are you voting for right now? Are you voting for your business? Are you voting for your children? Are you voting for your wife? Are you voting for your family? Well, you know, usually it hits right away. They’re like oh, shit. You know, like, yeah, where — Oh, where’s your wife on your calendar? Let me see the meeting that you have with your wife. It doesn’t exist.

She knows that she’s not your number one priority. Then why should she make you her number one priority? But she’s not dumb. The thing I know, Ryan, is the men that come through our program, they don’t marry dumb women. They marry smart, strong women. Because the men that come through our program are smart, strong men. And so they have somebody by their side. And guys, show me your bank account, show me your calendar and I’ll show you your priorities, bottom line. Pull up your Outlook calendar, your Google Calendar. Look on there right now. I will show you exactly what you prioritize.

Ryan Peach  24:20

Yeah. You know, when I talk with a farmer or a construction worker, I’m like, okay, so you start planting in February. You know, it’s not going to grow until May. Well, why not wait till May to plant? Oh, well, it takes time to grow. Okay, cool. So then you’re telling me you plant in February and then you don’t touch it till May, right, you’re done at that point? Oh, well, no. I’m out there and I’m turning the soil and I’m fertilizing and I’m watering. Oh, so even though you can’t see the result, you are consistent in showing up and doing the work every day because you know that that’s the only way that you’ll get there? Yeah. Do you take that same approach with your wife? Or do you expect I planted a seed, it should grow right now. I took you on a date, you should give me sex. I took care of the kids, you should give me respect.

Doug Holt  25:13

It’s horse trading.

Ryan Peach  25:14

It’s horse trading. And she feels that. That’s something that took me longer than it probably should have to buy into, that whole your energy enters the room before… I’m like, oh, sure, you know, whatever. That sounds great, all that woo-woo stuff. And when I realized it, when it hit me, right, it was, I made a conscious, I was like, you know what, like, I’m just consciously going to choose to walk in this house in the middle of the shit. Like, it wasn’t magically better. It was, like, I knew what I needed to do, but it wasn’t working yet. I was like, but I’m not going to come in with the energy of that guy. I’m going to come in believing that if I am planting seeds that two-three months down the road, they are going to sow, right? They’re going to reap a harvest. And I walked in and my wife literally spun around and she was like, you’re different. I had not said a word. You’re different. Wow. It’s like, I’m just really happy to see you. She’s like, oh, I’m really happy to see you too. Boom.

It was like, okay, I’m making a choice every day to go in and sow seeds of hope. Sow seeds of I’m going to be safe for you. I do not care if it doesn’t turn into a big tree, or a corn or whatever it is that I’m trying to grow. I just know that if I continue to plant seeds, I continue to fertilize and to water and nourish it, eventually, there is no other possibility other than she’s eventually someday, whether it’s two weeks, two months, two years, she’s going to flourish. Because it’s inevitable. Farmers know, man, I plant and I just know.

Like, for me, if I were a farmer, it would be a terrifying three to six months of just waiting. But they’re just cool. They’re like, no, I know that this works, and it’s the same thing for these guys. Like just consistently putting those seeds in the ground, right, planting seeds for her. It’s inevitable, but you have to be consistent.

Doug Holt  27:17

You have to be consistent, and that’s totally right. And the key to me is not only just the consistency is you got to plant that first seed, you can’t be scared. And I’ve heard this said before, and I can’t remember where I heard it. But I think it was Alex [inaudible 00:27:32] was speaking at a lecture or something that someone sent me. And I really liked — he was talking about how he — he was doing fitness. We’re helping people achieve their fitness goals. And people would always say, oh, I’m just so busy. He said, are you ever going to be busy again? Well, yes. What a great time to start. Because if you can start getting the patterns in when you’re busy, it’ll be easy when you’re not.

Ryan Peach  27:52

There you go.

Doug Holt  27:53

And I think so many of us, everybody’s freaking busy. I’m busy, you’re busy. Colton is busy, he’s filming this for us. Everybody’s busy. It’s just what are you going to prioritize in that day? You have 24 hours, I have 24 hours. It’s what we do at that time that really matters.

Ryan Peach  28:08

Yes. It’s where you choose to put it. You can live in the story that I have no time, which it serves you in some way. It allows you to bind to the excuse that I’m full up. There’s nothing that I can do. It’s out of my control. Which can be great, because now you’re perfect. There’s nothing you need to do. You don’t need to shift, you know, you’re full. And when I talk to you guys, right, the busiest guys that we have, you know, 16-18 hour days. I’m like, okay, are you ready for some hard truth? Yeah.

Okay. So, let’s just say that you have to, those 16-18 hours you’re full on, you’re eating lunch in your car or in the office because you don’t have time. There’s 24 hours in a day. Can you give one extra hour, 30 extra minutes to your wife, to investing into yourself? What if I told you it took three hours a week? So yeah, you’ve got — you’re spending 16 hours a day, what if we just take three hours a week that you’re not investing now. What if it’s your drive home? What if it is morning? What if you get up 15 minutes earlier every day? Are you willing to do that to make the change? Because there is time, even if you’re the busiest person on the planet, it’s the busiest season, you’ve never been busier, if it matters, you will create the time.

Doug Holt  29:35

100%, man, 100%. Every guy I talked to, I mean, hands down, that’s a hard worker, is a business owner, when you sit down, you have a pint with them or whatever you’re doing and go, he’s working so hard and she doesn’t get… Why are you working hard? What’s it for? Well, it’s for my family. Mhmm. It’s for your family that’s breaking down because you’re not stepping into leadership. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But I’m here brother to tell you, yes, it’s not only do you look fat in the jeans, it’s not the jeans. You’re looking fat in anything you wear because you gained weight. And most guys don’t have somebody to tell them the simple truth. And that’s one of the things I love about you is you go up to bat for these guys, every time you get on a phone call with a guy, which has got to be hard for you because you know what’s on the other side.

And you’re the guy reaching across the aisle, so to speak, and going, hey, life is better over here. All the pain, the loneliness, the 02:00 AM conversation about whether you should leave your marriage, stay in it, have an affair, not have an affair, all of the thoughts you’ve been having. You don’t have to have those. You can be over here. It’s a better life over here. But you got to do the work. And the two things, Ryan that I hear all the time, and I’m sure it’s the same with you, I don’t have enough time, which we just talked about, nobody does. Everybody’s busy. And I don’t have enough money, which is funny. A guy I’m working with one-on-one, he’s got $62 million liquid, and he’s always complained about not having enough money. You never have enough time, you never have enough money. It never changes, guys, it’s not going to be better next year with that unless you change your mindset. Take action now.

Ryan Peach  31:15

Yeah, yeah, it’s exactly it. And again, thinking of, again, construction workers, even accountants, anybody who owns a business, when I talked to them, like, I just don’t have any money. I’m like, okay, so what if I told you that a bid for a project comes in, it’s $1.5 million project. You’re doing $200-300,000 projects. And this guy comes in, he’s like, listen, I will give it to you right now, I’m not taking any other bids. I’ve seen your work. I want you to do this. But you don’t have the staff, you don’t have the tools, you don’t have the equipment that you need. But you know that if you invest into those things, that you’re going to make more money than you’ve ever made. How quickly would you solve the money problem? Where would you go? What would you do? Oh, I’d go to the bank. I’d do this. I’ve got this friend… Interesting. So you would do it for your business, but you won’t do it for your wife?

Doug Holt  32:10

Yeah. And I’ve been there, man. So I get charged up as people who watch this, and you do too, because we’ve been on this other side, guys. We know what you’re sitting in right now. And I had blinders on, I couldn’t see. I was like [inaudible 00:32:23]. I don’t have enough time to do a program, I don’t have enough money to invest in myself. I’m putting into the business right now, we’re scaling, or whatever the story was, kids in school, or I’m doing all these things.

You know, what’s the cost of divorce, you’re losing 50% of everything, buddy. That’s going to cost you a lot, but more than that, that’s a monetary cost. More than that, what’s the cost of you having to find your own house, your own furniture, your kids being raised by another guy? All of these other things, and I’m not slighting anybody that’s in that situation, but these are harsh realities that we as men need to face. You know, and some guys, they’re on their third marriage, and they’re going, hey, I wonder what’s wrong? Oh, the third marriage isn’t working out. Could it be something I’m doing?

Ryan Peach  33:08

Yeah, yeah. And it’s — I want to make it clear, like this isn’t about shame, or guilt or any of that. You are, I tell almost every guy I talk to, there is that one guy that we have to have a really hard conversation with. But most men like, this isn’t a lack of effort. It’s not a lack of desire, or want to or commitment. I see your hard work and so does she. It’s just that it’s not working. You’re a train going down the tracks in the wrong direction, and you are feverishly throwing coal on the fire trying to get that engine to go.

The problem is every time you throw coal in, it just moves you faster in the wrong direction. So it’s not your effort. We see you working hard. We know that you are legitimately busy. I know that you are legitimately burnt out, you’re scared, you’re hurting, you’re angry, maybe she had an affair, maybe there was years of no sex, all of that is valid. And you have a choice to either live in that, which sucks. I mean, how much longer do you want to live in that? Like, I’ve been there. No, I do not want to live in this. This sucks. Like, at this point, I would rather get divorced than live in this another year, to watch my kids suffer another year, so I get it.

And if you just simply choose and it comes down to a choice, all the time. Like listen, you’ve scaled the mountain, you’ve clicked through everything, you’ve filled out all the paperwork, you’ve done the phone calls, you’ve done your research, you’ve put on the parachute, you’ve climbed the mountain, you’re standing at the edge of the cliff. The last thing to do is to jump off. All of the hard work up to this point has got you to this point, but at some point, you have to risk, right, everything else that was done was safe, because you can back out, you can say it’s not for me. I tried, I looked, I researched. Men who get what they want take action.

Doug Holt  35:07

Oh, yeah.

Ryan Peach  35:08

Right. You’ve got to jump off the cliff, and that’s the scariest part because it’s the last step that you take by yourself. When you jump off the cliff, you realize that there’s hundreds of men around you. They’re like, “Hey, I got you. I’ve jumped off this cliff a bunch of times, I know exactly what to do. I’ve got you on the way down.” But you have to take that last step alone. But that’s what action takers do. You did in your business, started a business alone. It’s just applying that same desire and belief in yourself that you are worthy of it, that you can do it. That’s what she’s looking for, that man that doesn’t say, “Hey, honey, if you give me permission, if you’re okay with it, I’m going to do this thing.” Whether that’s our program or anything else, it’s, “No, I see where we’re going, and I know that it’s leading to a train wreck. And so I am going to choose to get our train going in a different direction. And it’s okay, if you don’t come with me right now.”

Doug Holt  36:09

Yeah. I love that, Ryan. Guys, rewind this and listen to that again, because that is beautiful. It really is. And what’s so interesting is I know, for me, Ryan, The Powerful Man didn’t exist. And there was nothing that I didn’t — There are a couple other kind of men’s coaching things that are around, but I didn’t feel I needed to go to the beach and punch some guy, or whatever else was available at the time. It just didn’t click for me. And one of the things I do think that’s interesting is I remember my mentality a little bit was like I should just know this. I shouldn’t have to go get coaching or go through a program or what have you.

And the thing that really got me is I started thinking about, at the time, I had three companies. I thought, man, you know, we had a problem with one of my companies with getting leads. So what did I do? I signed up for a course to learn to get lead generation and things like that. And my team signed up. And you know what people say when you do that? Smart move. You didn’t know something, or something wasn’t working out, so you went and got education and assistance on how to do it better, that is a smart business person right there. That’s a guy I want to invest in, because he’s going to find a problem, there’s a problem in the business, and he’s going to attack it. Why don’t we do that with our personal lives?

Ryan Peach  37:21

Yeah. We have been taught, right, with counseling, self-help, as men, like those are things that women do. Like, men that aren’t strong, they go and do those things. It’s BS.

Doug Holt  37:33

Oh, it’s the opposite.

Ryan Peach  37:34

Right. It’s 100% the opposite. The man that’s willing to say, you know, I don’t know how to do this. And so rather than smashing into the bank of the river on the west side, and smashing into the bank on the east side, and just going down the river like this, it’s like, no, I want somebody in the boat with me that’s gone down this river before, right, that they’re going to teach me. You can learn how to do it, but it’s painful, it takes a long time, and a lot of times the wife says, listen, I’ve got one life here.

Doug Holt  38:05

It’s too late.

Ryan Peach  38:07

I’ve given you 20 years. I’m not going to give you another 10 to figure this out.

Doug Holt  38:10

Yeah. You know, something that’s interesting that I think a lot of guys listening to this don’t realize, we have 13 men in the other building next to us right now that have gone through The Activation Method and now gone through The Alpha Reset, and these men are A players. They’re A players, they’re super successful in business, now in their relationship which was the missing element for a lot of them. They’re fit. And guys look at these men, like how did they do it? How did they figure out how to make their business so successful?

How did they figure out how to have the relationship with their kids, where their kids run to them when they come in the room? Like, how did these guys just naturally do this? They worked at it. They’re just not publicly showcasing it, right. Behind the scenes, these men come to a course like The Activation Method to learn the methodologies and then they apply it, and they get the results. It’s really not rocket science. It’s just we don’t see it forward facing. So you just see these men in the distance like I want what they have, I just don’t know how to get it, and these men just took massive action.

Ryan Peach  39:13

Yes. Yeah, they realize the truth, that as a business owner, I am applauded for getting help, for having someone teach me. And so it just makes sense that that’s what I should do in the other parts of my life. With health, right, just can’t seem to get gains in the gym. Oh, hire a personal trainer. Oh, I can’t figure this thing out. But with relationships because it’s so vulnerable, and men, we’re not supposed to be vulnerable. We’re not supposed to show emotion. We’re supposed to know exactly what to do. We allow the shame around it to keep us stuck.

That’s the number one thing, whether a guy gets mad at me on the phone, whether the guy starts crying or he shuts down or hangs up on me or whatever it is; it’s the shame of I don’t know how to figure this out. And I’ve lost hope and the ability because if I can’t figure this out on my own, it must just be me, or it must just be her. And when they accept the truth that these men accepted, it’s like, oh, there was no class in high school on relationship 101. There was no college course on marriage. It was, you’re married, here’s the keys. Here’s the keys to your new house. We’re not going to teach you how to build it. We’re not going to supply you with the tools or the equipment or the support. You and your wife go figure out how to build your life together on your own. And when they’re like, oh, that doesn’t make sense. Like, would you ever build a house without having a foreman, without someone there?

Doug Holt  40:44

No, not at all, man. This reminds me, Ryan. So I suck at golfing. I’m like the guy that does like the bachelor party golfing back in the day. And recently, I went golfing a couple times with a group of guys. I moved to a new area in 2020 and I went golfing with them. And they’re all better than me, but marginally better than me. And they golf a lot. They golf regularly. And there’s one guy who’s really freaking good. And I remember pulling them aside, and again, I’ve only gotten a couple times. And you know, I asked him, I go hey, his name was Dave. Hey, Dave, you know, how long have you been golfing? [inaudible 00:41:16] He’s like, Oh, these guys and us, we’ve been going out for like five years. We go out all the time. Oh, yeah. But you’re like, really, really, really good, and they’re like a little better than me and they’ve been doing this for five years. He’s like, Doug, I take lessons. He’s like, all good golfers take lessons, every single one. Tiger Woods hired – told his golf coach I want to redo my swing, and that’s because he’s a pro. And what you don’t realize is these other guys that are out there that want to be good, but for some reason, there’s a stigma about doing golf lessons. Golf ain’t cheap. Golf ain’t cheap. It’s not one of those things. So this other guy, Dave, who has invested in himself, he goes out there and he has, like he’s the best guy out there. He has a great time, but he also invests in getting lessons and getting help, and that’s just logical. It just makes sense.

Ryan Peach  42:07

Yeah. And other people, all they get is the benefit of him being a better golfer, it’s fun to play with him. You love to see the big shots you love. You know, I’m sure he’s giving little pointers here and there. And it’s because of the work he put in, but it’s also because he had someone a little wiser, a little smarter say, hey, I know this doesn’t make sense. And that’s probably my most favorite thing with these guys. Like, wait, I’m supposed to do what? Well, that doesn’t make sense. Of course it doesn’t. What makes sense to you doesn’t work. I golf too, I’ve got this awesome hook. So if I was playing the next hole over, it’d be great.

And I had a friend that was good. And I’m like, man, like I just, I keep hooking, I keep hooking. And the more I tried to break my wrist over, the more hooks. He’s like, “Well, you’ve got to actually open up your stance a little bit.” I’m like, “Well, that doesn’t make sense.” He’s like, “But that’s what you need to do.” Like, just do it this way. And because he was good at golf, I simply took that advice, and all of a sudden, go straight. And now, oh. Well, of course you open your stance. This is of course what you do. But it wasn’t until I was vulnerable enough to ask for help, to lean into what was uncomfortable. Like, I thought I looked ridiculous. Like, I’m out there, and I got my foot cocked to the left a little bit. And I kind of got my butt cheeks just like sewed up real tight. I’m like, I feel like I look ridiculous. But you know, what doesn’t look ridiculous is when the ball goes straight down the fairway.

Doug Holt  43:41

It’s exactly what it is. You looked ridiculous when you’re hooking it all the time. And these guys that have gone out for five years, all they do is bitch and complain, and they’re mad and they’re chasing their balls. But they don’t realize, this was obvious to me in these two times, that’s why I [inaudible 00:43:56]. They don’t realize that all that frustration and all, you know, they’re going out there and playing but they’re not even enjoying themselves all the time because they’re not performing. And it’s really as simple as just getting some help. And men get to do this in their relationship as well.

Ryan, man, thank you so much. The amount of men that you have literally saved, save their lives, save the lives of their family. I know we did a big meeting with the TPM movement, people like you and myself and Colton and everybody else. And Tim did an excellent presentation where he gathered all our stats. So guys, if you don’t know, we keep stats and statistics on all the men that come to the program. And the men do an anonymous rating of the coaches, the program and what have you. We have, again it’s a 4.9 something out of five for the program. The men say hey, I got what I came for, which is unheard of.

But the other stat, Ryan that really touches me is we estimate a thousand children have had a father who is more present, a father who shows up. Now, the marriage may or may not have worked, you know, that’s a different story. But they have a father that’s going to be there for them, a man who knows himself better, who is leading from the front. There’s a thousand lives that you my friend have directly impacted, a thousand kids. So thank you.

Ryan Peach  45:09

It’s my pleasure. I love the work that I get to do. It is the fuel in my tank when I hear those stories of, you’ll never guess what my daughter said, you’ll never guess what my wife said. It’s everything to me.

Doug Holt  45:18

Yeah, I know it is. Gentlemen, as we always say, in the moment in sight, take massive action. And if you are on that cliff looking to take a jump, or you just want to know more about The Activation Method, a program that’s literally helped thousands of businessmen just like you. Ryan is one of the guys that you might talk to. He is one of our senior advisors. He is a great guy to get on a phone call with and if anything, I can guarantee two things. You get on a call with Ryan, you are going to leave with an insight that you did not know. So you will leave a better man from that conversation, no obligation for the conversation, you will leave a better man. Two is you’ll have the opportunity of meeting and talking to one of the greatest men that I have ever met in my life, which is Ryan.

So guys, take some action. If you want to get in, go over to thepowerfulman.com. If you want to reach out to Mr. Peach himself, just email VIP@thepowerfulman.com and say I want to talk to Ryan. His nickname is Deadpool. That’ll give you something to talk to him how he got that nickname. But he is the man, the myth, the legend. And gentlemen for you, it’s time to invest in yourself. It’s time to raise your bar. Don’t be like the guy hooking the ball at the golf course. Figure it out. You do in business, in times of need you figure it out. This is your chance and I’m calling you out lovingly. This is your time to figure out whatever it is for you. Until next time, we’ll see you on the TPM Show.