How To Navigate Relationship Growing Pains [Part 2]

Episode #53 (Part 2 of a 2 Part Series)

When we’re upleveling, our trajectory is going up but at some point we reach the plateau level and we tend to get comfortable.  That’s when this level becomes our norm.

While we’re in this space, we don’t realize that we’re starting to slip back into some of our old habits and old ways. Instead of regressing backwards it’s important we take a real look at this and put in the work to grow into the next phase. 

Like in every relationship, losing that spark in the relationship is a reflection of how you feel about YOURSELF. We become too comfortable in the relationship that we forget to work on it.

Building a relationship is a continuous process that should be upleveling and require hard work and effort.

In this episode, we talk about HOW to reignite your relationship when you’re in this place. First and foremost it should start within you. We always create that romantic view of the other person yet we are not creating that romantic view of ourselves for our partner.

Improving the status of the relationship should start by improving how you see yourself first. We talk about a few ways to do this – meditate, always groom, look good and bring home that level of attractiveness in order to seduce your partner.

Do the things together that you both enjoy doing. Surround yourself with people you who you can confide with. Find the pattern and close the gaps in the relationship if there is any and it will give you a direct line to where you want your relationship to be.

In this episode you will learn:

  1. How improving how YOU see yourself helps reignite the relationship
  2. The importance of being surrounded with people who you can confide with
  3. How stress, anxiety, and jealousy is created


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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews 0:00  

You got to seduce yourself first.

Doug Holt 0:01  

A 100%

Tim Matthews 0:03  

You know, you’ve got to be seducing yourself, looking sharp, smelling sharp, grooming yourself, and you do it for yourself, first and foremost.

Doug Holt 0:12

Absolutely and it doesn’t mean you have to do it. You don’t have to buy expensive clothes, in my opinion. Clothes, oh! are my thing, but you want, I wear plain black t-shirts and shorts.

Tim Matthews 0:21  

Well, looking good and feeling good, though, isn’t it?

Doug Holt 0:25  

So, a couple of things, one of your friends may have asked you a question about, are you giving these things to yourself? And you said, No. What changes for you?

Tim Matthews 0:36  

Hmm…What changes for me? The thing that’s coming to mind for me. I meditate often, and I, well, meditate every day. Overall, it’s a lot more about being than doing. It doesn’t mean taking my foot off the gas within the things we’re creating. The Powerful Man. It means having more of a balance, not a balance in balancing in my day. It’s more about balance in my energy. I think how I treat this is all about how I treat myself, how I dress, how I look, how I do my body, how I talk to myself, how I see myself. That’s really what all this is. In my opinion, I’ve not yet figured out the specifics around what that means, although I mentioned a couple of them. Yeah, it’s not; it doesn’t feel like it’s anything around buying more going good, whoa! And tackling things per se and doing manners.

Doug Holt 1:43  

Okay, but are there actions that you get to take to get the result you want?

Tim Matthews 1:50 

Ahem..there are, yeah. The couple has come to mind now. My current ring routine is I wake up, journal, meditate, stretch, hit the gym, come back, and then I have my day. I think a simple thing there would be to have a shower at the gym, rather than at home. Have a shower at the gym and then know, look sharp for the day. I have always looked good. Wearing good clothes, obviously with powerful man clothes and leaving the gym feeling sharp, like boom!. I’ll just leave in the gym feeling pumped because I’ve had a great workout, and you’re getting on with my day, but then I’m coming home and bringing that level of attractiveness to myself. All my life, I’ve felt really attractive. I don’t say that from an egotistical manner, but I’ve felt confident in who I am, and how I look, and our whole self, which I still do to a point. I don’t know more, and something is missing, and this isn’t about going back to how I used to be. It’s got nothing to do with that. This is about a new, new level, new energy. So that first thing around the gym, it’d be one. The second thing would be around when I finished my day for sure. I’m going to go off and do a brisk walk at the end of my working day, come back, have a shower, get changed, and then again, feel real, feel great, as I go with the evening with Amelia. Around Amelia, we’re going to do, like I said, do yoga together, do Tantra together. 

So I think that it’s important that we do something together, growing together, and that’s one of the things for me; I’m going to spend more time with my Hawayu sheet, I’m going to upgrade my Hawayu sheet. Just in alignment with a lot of the things that came up for me yesterday around who I am. Essentially, this kind of feels like another layer of the onion has been peeled away. It kind of feels like I don’t want to say next level for me, but that’s the easiest way for me to put it, and that means I get to update my identity, it’s kind of like, my identity has been upgraded, how I see myself the old ways used to fall in a way, of making like, making room for a new, more true version of me, if you will. So, a sheet, as well as going to be, something that’s going to be key, and spending time with that, as well—really meditating with that. I think there’s something where I get to see myself more, see my reflection, like whether it’s mirror work. I’ve never really been a fan of mirror work. But there’s something I get to see, see me. I’m going to Poland to do a five-day deep dive into my soul. It is the easiest and probably the safest and vague way to put this as well. Why am I not seeing you here, Doug?

Doug Holt 5:04  

It’s not going to be that easy, my friend. But I think you’ve said a lot of things that are very clear here. What, when some, when we’re up-leveling, and we’re on a trajectory, especially you’re always in constant growth, which is amazing. We start to increase, go up, and then hit a plateau, and that plateau feels comfortable for a little bit. Until that plateau becomes our new norm, and so even though we’re higher than we used to be, if you can imagine a trajectory going up at an angle, it’s like a rocket ship taking off. Then it levels off, and at some point, that leveling off feels like the old average. It’s not! It’s much higher than it used to be. But then what happens right before we’re about to explode again, into our next up-leveling. Everybody’s doing that, a lot of people like you and myself included, we work hard, “Okay, I want to get to the next level. Yeah, I know, there’s something more for me out there,” and we work out when work, I work at it. But what happens is we dip, we take a dip, and we start to go down, and that feeling of going down backward and the reason we do that is that we’re adding new skills and new ways of being, but we start to go down in a backward trajectory, and that’s when stuff like this gets to come out. 

But the nice thing is, that’s a sign that we’re about to shoot back up. Think of it as a spring being loaded. So the spring is at a certain height, right at the norm, and this is you’ve already up-leveled for someone like yourself 1000 times compared to where you used to be, if you think about Tim, four years ago, it’s just night and day. But now, as you load that spring, it goes down from its vertical position. So it’s shrinking, and that feeling of shrinking in that tension that’s there is extremely uncomfortable. It brings a lot of things to the surface; it makes you feel like you’re regressing rather than progressing. But the nice thing is if you stay with it, and you use your words, Tim, you surrender, that spring shoots forward and shoots you to the next level. What most people do is start to regress, freak out, and continue to regress and fall into that pit. They’re not willing to do the work as well as the surrender. So it’s almost like an oxymoron. You have both things going on, the surrendering, but also doing the work and staying what I call staying in the pocket, staying in where it hurts, observing, and asking them questions like you’re asking, that’s how you get to the next phase.

Tim Matthews 7:38  

Hmm, yeah. This is one of the reasons why in my past, whenever I’ve experienced up-leveling and a few things that have always served me, I’m so grateful for being able to use these right now. The first one is you have been able to spot what’s going on, spot the pattern, and, obviously, with the work that we do, I’m able to do that, awesome. Secondly, surround me with people, people I can then turn to, come clean with, then confide in, like myself, other friends I have around me who I’m able to have these conversations with, which is fantastic. The third thing I’ll then do is use the tools to be able to start to dive into it, which we’ve got tools in that possession method, because if I didn’t use them, so I use our tools, and their work and the fourth thing I’ll do it, I tell everyone, about my intent. I come however many 1000s of people download this, and you’re probably the, spoke to so many people about this. Because I want to create an environment around myself whereby everyone knows what to expect, where I’m going, and what’s going on for me, and I’m making myself. I’m putting myself in a position where my reality, my environment, rather, reflects a reality that I’ve not yet moved into. But the fact that it is there and people are going to continue speaking to me about this and supplying me with this, sending me things around this, will help me stay on the trajectory until I arrive. At which point, I’ll sit back with my hands behind my head, and aaaah. It’s nice being here! Until it happens again, in a different area, with a different thing, and then I get to do it all over again because that is life.

Doug Holt 9:32  

Well, yeah, and you have tools that we provide The Activation Method, and in The Brotherhood, which is much more advanced, to continue going on this, and you’re human. So yeah, some people argue about that. Is Tim human? We hear that all the time from the men just wondering, but you are, and sometimes you go through the same cycles we all do as humans of building yourself up and taking it to the next level. So Tim, let me ask you a couple more questions if I can hear because I’m just curious myself. When you look at this situation in your of what you’re in and decisiveness in some areas or what have you. Where do you see if you were coaching the men? So let’s just make up a guy’s name of someone who’s not in The Brotherhood, and maybe that’ll be easier. Let’s just say it’s Doug. Let’s say it’s me, and I tell you that I’m here with my wife, I work with her. So I work from home, I have the luxury of working from home. So I’m with her a lot. Right? She, we’re around each other all the time, and we’ve kind of lost that spark. What would you say to me?

Tim Matthews 10:44  

What would I say to you? First, anchors find boundaries. The second thing that comes to mind would be a day and her. The third thing that would come to mind would be, how do you feel about yourself? What are you doing for yourself? How will you, rig? How do you feel about yourself? Because quite honestly, you can rarely feel that spark within you, and the spark was not there within your marriage. Uh-hmm.. it could be because there are two people involved. 

Doug Holt 11:18


Tim Matthews 11:19

You know, it’s less likely to be the case if that spark is shining brightly within you. What else would I say?

Doug Holt 11:28  

Well, let’s stop there. I’m sure there’s a lot more. But now, let me know where this is going. So let me flip the script, and you answer those questions.

Tim Matthews 11:36  

Why did I bring this up? hahaha

Doug Holt 11:41  

So, I won’t go too deep here.

Tim Matthews 11:45  

Nice, all good. I think it feeds into what I’ve identified with leaving the gym in the morning. And I can, it’s almost like it’s going to become a trigger, isn’t it? After getting changed there, I leave the gym, e, wearing certain clothes feels like going somewhere, boom!. It’s going to be a bit of a trigger and anchor, found, and I will be feeling walking back home into the office space. I don’t think that walking in nature and then coming back, having a shower, and getting changed will trigger a few things there. Well, anchor a certain step there rather, and I think Emily and I have identified that we get to what it looks like to make an effort with one another has changed. We get to honor that for one another, and that means we are now looking at new interests, like doing yoga together, not me just doing yoga, or her doing yoga, but doing yoga together, doing a Tantra course together. Amelia says she loves to do jigsaws and puzzles and some things I never even knew, and we do some of those in the evening. So I think about some things around that. Having the date night where we are going out, and I’d say at least, twice a month is going to be something where we get dressed up for one another, really make an effort for one another because something I’ve been playing with, Doug, as well as what would I be doing if I was single? How would I?

Doug Holt 13:13


Tim Matthews 13:15

Because I know, I’m very confident about how I would be acting, and what would we do if I was single and I said this to me late yesterday. And she deserves to get at least that MMA. So again, to summarize the question, one of them’s going to be around boundaries at work and bringing certain state energy into an hour of work, the other one is going to be said activities and interests would do between Amelia and me, so we can grow together and experience new things including the date night we’ll make an effort. And a third thing would be around my practices, because who knows though maybe over the next several months, we’re not going to grow together. So it’s a possibility, isn’t it? I don’t want it to be. I love her, and I want to grow with her, and it’s just what I said to her yesterday, I want to grow together, and she wants to grow with me too. So the only way that would happen is if either one of us didn’t honor that. I think the fourth thing is having that North stain or what it looks like for five for us in our relationship, and having that be up somewhere that means a lot to us, and it’s a promise to one another as a standard between her and me in a relationship. I think that as well as some is going to be something that will serve as powerful will serve me powerfully for sure.

Commercial 14:48  

Hey guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk about something important. We put together a case study on how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives and their 4X in their business revenue and have more connected intimate sex, all without sacrificing their relationships or health, by using The Activation Method. Now, a lot of you have contacted us, and they want to know how they’re doing it. We put together this short 11-minute case study just for you. So you can see how these entrepreneurs are achieving this level of success. To get this case study, all you have to do is go over to. ThePowerfulMan.com/vs. Yep, that’s one, and you can get the case study right now. All it’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Let’s get back to the episode.

Doug Holt 15:39

Yeah, certainly. Certainly, I think those are all great things, and the odds of you guys not up-leveling together or growing together is very, very slim. So you can almost throw that one out, so it doesn’t take up your headspace and not worry about that, per se, because when you think about that when I heard you say that, it allows space for stress, anxiety, jealousy, or other things to creep in. If you can just close that gap, perhaps, it gives you more of a direct line to get what you want. Of course, there are always a million possibilities of things that could happen or what have you. But if you focus on what you want, use your words, surrender to it, and surrender to that greater good, you don’t have to hold on to that control of these possible scenarios. Because when we hold on to those possible scenarios, really what you’re saying to yourself or we’re all saying to ourselves as maybe we won’t grow together you’re saying maybe this won’t work out. Then subconsciously, you’re coming up with a plan B, an escape plan is what I call it, right? You’re coming up with the alternative; well, if this doesn’t work out, then what do I do and then your brainpower and your emotional energy whatever percentage but any percentage is focused on that possibility we all go through it, right? 

Every married couple, every serious couple have been single people are thinking about it, but the more we can diminish that, the more we can get certain in who we are that comes back to self-love, which we talked about so often within. The Powerful Man is something we get to revisit regularly right when we have that we or that slips. We start thinking, well, Geez, what if familia leaves me or I leave her, or this doesn’t work out? You’re starting to look at an escape plan; right other women are a common one; it could be through pornography or other ways. It could be flirting with girls at the store. You want to make sure you still have your game, all those things, and you can still pull chicks just in case, right? Because you don’t want to be that guy sitting home alone the rest of your life at whatever level, and although I know Tim, you’d be fine with yourself, subconsciously that that plays out for us. We play out with this scenario in our head of what if, and that’s a game that just puts more of a gap, or as my wife and I like to say it puts dirt or mud on the glass between us and the analogy that her and I use is imagine there’s glass right between us we’re looking each other in the eye there’s a glass between us and any lie thought unsaid unspoken action we call it 30 communication or what have you puts a little bit of dirt on that glass. It makes it harder and harder for us to see each other, and so when I’m going through this, Tim. I’m starting to think, Oh crap, what if this doesn’t work out? I immediately noticed that consciously or subconsciously, I started looking for an escape plan. It turns out differently for everybody, right? Do I save some money? Do I not say this? Do I do this differently? 

Do I still talk to that girl in high school, or what have you that I used to know, whatever it may be, to make sure I’m happening? So that’s one thing I would encourage you to do is just eliminate that thought from your brain unless, of course, it’s a really big issue, then come up with your escape plan and dump it but I would say get rid of it. Because if you truly love yourself, you’re truly secure, then it doesn’t matter. Right? believes she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Right? this consciously or in this moment together really is a conscious choice. The second thing and this is something I’ve been practicing more and more. You and I have this awesome, unique ability, which most people are always telling us how jealous they are. We work wherever we want in the world. I mean, shoot, you just got back from a trip to a castle, a mansion in the countryside. Then you came back to Leeds, and you flew out to France and a little bit from now where you and I will be in Morocco together with The Brotherhood. Then you were flying back to Poland. Not a bad lifestyle, but we can work from home, creating an interesting paradigm within that. Right? We’re always in proximity of our significant other when we’re at home. Yeah, we also that’s when we’re most relaxed. 

Because you and I can work anywhere, often, we may let ourselves go a little bit, wearing sweats, wearing athletic shorts getting up in the morning, rolling out of bed, we can have a nice meditation, relax, make love to our partner and then we can roll right into the office where we don’t come out till noon, have lunch, say hi. yet we’re not dating them during that day. Right? We’re not, and we’re dressing the part, not looking the part. You mentioned the boxer, and Emily said, Why don’t you know any women who don’t fancy him? Well, they only see pictures of one when he’s fighting to win. He’s like, model ready. They’re not seeing him walk around his boxers after he hasn’t brushed his teeth in the morning and that whole deal. So it’s a romantic view of the other person; we always form these romantic views. Yet, are we creating that romantic view of ourselves for our partner? Date nights are one thing, but are you dating your partner during the day? So here we are recording this Sunday? Is it 9 am? Or I am. I think it’s what, 2 pm? where are you? Huh? Are you dating Amelia today? Are you dressing the part, acting the part, looking the part being the part? And we always talk about having Are you that guy? Or is he doing those things first? And that would be a question, and he is only the answer to that. But that would be a question that I would be asking myself in that situation.

Tim Matthews 21:48  

I think I don’t know what that looks like, Isla and I will get clear on it, and this is all very fresh. There’s no quick there’s, in my experience of this kind of uplevel in an area of my life for me it can take a few weeks for me for all the dust to settle and things to become clear and then Ah, okay, boom, this is an X in that process. I’m trying new things and finding out about gathering the data. So I don’t feel like I can answer yes to that question. I’ll say no to it. However, it’s kind of been a bit unfair of me to say no, it’s a bit hard. But I think that’s one of the things that I’m figuring out, and also one of the things that will feed into what it looks like for this would be a five for her now.

Doug Holt 22:45  

So let me ask you this, I’m going to break in for a second here, which is not unusual for me, as you know. If I were to ask if I called Amelia right now, it says that I asked her if Tim woo you, date you, or seduce you every day? Her answer would be yes or no.

Tim Matthews 23:07  

No, I think, Okay. I don’t know. I thought I was going to ask because I asked the question before on camera, which episode it was when I was messaging back and forth around this, and she gave a 3.5 out of four 3.5 to four out of five, and all that she said she wanted more time with me. I said Simple as that, and when I went through what five looks like for me, she’s really happy in the relationship. She loves playfulness. She loves a sense of humor; she just loves going for breakfast together. She just loves, so maybe I am painting a picture of something that maybe isn’t completely necessary. Maybe I’m the one that’s going to create something that maybe she doesn’t even see is missing. Just like I said at the start, I feel like there’s something I thought we get to grow growth together right now, and you’re smiling. Why smiling?

Doug Holt 24:13  

I’m just listening to you. I love listening to

Tim Matthews 24:15  

thinking something, thinking something,

Doug Holt 24:19  

I’m always thinking about things. While I think it’s a good thing for you to reflect on and not necessarily something we can unpack in a series of podcast episodes. So if anybody’s still listening to us, continue. I think it’s an interesting thing for all men. When I shared with you when you asked me how I can’t remember the exact question but basically how I show up for my wife, I said, Hey, do you want the way I know I should? Or do you want the way I do, and that’s a big difference, and you can see my smiling face right now. Before I got on this, I was late. After all, I chose to jump in the shower put on a decent shirt because I was in my sweats, and that was something I realized; hey, it’s an advantage. It’s a cool thing with our life and our lifestyle, and I’ve had it for a very long time. This remote works and works when you want a type deal. But at some point, what am I representing? Right? Seduction begins your days before the actual act of sex; in my opinion, my experience,

Tim Matthews 25:32  

so you have to seduce yourself first. 100% you’ve got a bit seducing yourself looking sharp smelling. Grooming yourself, you do it for yourself first and foremost.

Doug Holt 25:45  

Absolutely and it doesn’t mean you have to do it. You don’t have to buy expensive clothes. In my opinion, clothes are my thing. But you want me to wear plain black t-shirts and shorts. But I got

Tim Matthews 25:56  

to California, though, isn’t it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So it is

Doug Holt 25:59  

Whatever that means is good for me.

Tim Matthews 26:02  

Yeah, whatever that means. Whether that means whatever clothing, it’s irrelevant because it’s the charisma and the feeling you have within that, isn’t it. One of the main reasons why I want to share this while wanting to share this is because I don’t hide. I don’t hide anything from, from our audience, from the guys in the community. I love that he also holds me to a particular standard and at the end of the day, I think one of the big takeaways from this, in my opinion, is number one spine upon, don’t let you don’t judge a dog let things get in the way I spot the pattern. If it’s coming up for you, over and over, spot it, accept it, lean into it, that’s number one. Number two is having people around you that you can turn to, ask questions, and get insight into pop from. So important. Number three is having some tools that you can then use to start to navigate your way through the journey, and then number four is having accountability and support to change things moving forward, and I share this because that’s what I’ve been going through those steps, which is just great.

Doug Holt 27:20  

Perfect, man. Well, guys, you heard it here, I would rewind. If anything, if you’ve made it this far, rewind those last, what, 90 seconds and write down those four steps Tim just mentioned, because they are so important and no matter where you are in your stage, in your journey with your relationships or with yourself. That’s your most important, intimate relationship. These factors will keep coming up again and again and again, and I don’t care who you are, how long you’ve been doing the work. I’ve been doing it for over two decades. It comes up over and over again, and you just refine it, you’re sharpening your saw, you’re making it easier, cut down that tree every time you want to. So guys, rewind that. Go back through Tim’s great insights, and Tim, thank you so much. I mean, it’s so rare that you have a public figure out there, especially in the realm of men’s work, who’s willing to be so raw and vulnerable and share all aspects of the good, the bad, and the ugly. So thank you for doing that.

Tim Matthews 28:18  

Of course.

Doug Holt 28:19  

Alright, guys, that’s going to wrap up another episode, two episodes back to back, right herewith—the Powerful Man show. We’ll see you next time. Have an amazing day.


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