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Fighting For Your Story

Episode #55

Because of the influence of society, we tend to hide our true self in a story. We become part of a story that will eventually consume us and will make us forget our true identity.

We are scared that people will come to know our flaws and weaknesses so we hide in these false stories until we become stuck in it.

We become blinded by the comfort that we get from hiding in these stories that we don’t realize how much these stories are no longer serving us.

To find out if you’re stuck in a story, you first need to be aware of what is true to you and spot the pattern. Talk to people and share your weakness and vulnerability. This allows people to know the REAL you and understand you. 

Ask for advice from people who have gone through what it is you’re going through because these are the people who will understand your situation better than anyone. 

Detach yourself from the story and see what is really true to you, your true identity and re-align with that every day.

What you will learn in this episode:

  1. How to not let your stories consume you
  2. How be true to yourself
  3. Why our stories should serve us to our highest being
  4. The power of sharing your weakness and vulnerability to let people in
  5. Why you should not let yourself stay stuck in the stories that you are in.


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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt 0:00  

So why is it that we fight for these stories once we’ve identified them? I’m stuck in a story, and I know it is not a story that serves me to my highest being. Why then am I going to fight for it? Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. Tim, what’s going on, brother?

Tim Matthews 0:33  

I’m feeling good here, feeling better past in a row, and lightness is setting now. I was saying before we started, I’m fighting for a story, I’m fighting for the heaviness, can see the lightness, I’m fighting for the heaviness.

Doug Holt 0:52  

It’s so interesting; it’s such a juxtaposition or difference, we’re recording this podcast, we’re remote from each other, and I went upstairs, my little two-year-olds running around. I was doing a little run around the table with them telling them I would take them swimming. Now he’s running around, I can hear him saying we’re going on an adventure, and just that lightness that the innocence that comes from a child of that age really makes me reflect on us. As men and our journey, and where we’re going, and we think, man, our previous episode talking about I should be further ahead, or I should be doing this we beat each other up. We beat ourselves up to more than anybody when we hear that lightness, that laughter, and that love, and it just melts everything away.

Tim Matthews 1:45  

It’s interesting. Because as business owners, we often rely on ourselves so much and have to be so convicted in our decision so often that more than happens when you’re fighting for your story. Because you’ve made a decision and built something up that you have felt so convicted in and end up fighting for it, even though it’s not serving you.

Doug Holt 2:13  

So, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today, but let’s do it, talk about fighting for your story and why people fight for their story? And first of all, what is a story, Tim? when I say fight for your story, define that so the men listening know what they’re currently fighting for a story or not?

Tim Matthews 2:37  

Okay, so a story is, in a most simple form, a narrative that you are telling yourself based on, a set of beliefs that you have now those beliefs may have come from, experiences in childhood they may have come from, societal definitions that have been placed on you, they can come from many places, and as a result through that filter, you then come up with a narrative about a situation, and you’ll tell yourself over and over and look for two ways in which to make it be true and be and it can be very scary when you then, become aware that the story you’re telling yourself either isn’t actually accurate or another way to looking at things and so often, I’ve been guilty of this, and , it’s part of growth, we don’t want to fight for that story because it’s given us so much comfort, and so much energy and emotion and tangled with in it, the more we tell ourselves, the more we feel it, it becomes this most of that serves us by keeping us small and keeping us safe, where we can then, not risk anything basically yet there comes a time when we realize that, hey, this story actually isn’t serving me and there’s another side to this, and there’s always a lack time in which you are going to fight for your story and I think it’s human nature, and I know I’ve been doing that to some degree with, the growth that I’ve experienced in my relationship, the past three episodes, we’ve covered elements of this one we’re touching on it, and the way in which I’ve been fighting for the story, is not what’s going on and what I feel because I still believe that to be true for me, I do believe that was growth that I got to experience with Amelia, the story is the way in which that could unfold, it can either unfold with I should be in a different place, or it should look different or, beating myself of judgment or whatever it is which there’ll be a narrative to that or it can unfold from a place of gratitude about where we currently are and with a, childlike curiosity and excitement about what may happen and like we said on the last episode then really enjoying every syllable, every verse, every note to the song instead of waiting for the song to finish, because all we’re going to do is play another song anyway.

Doug Holt 5:15  

It’s so true, so one of the things that would be interesting, Tim, I think to us, to explore a little bit because our experience has been, even men that have done the work and are doing the work. Even men at a very high level, it’s often hard to know if you are in a story when you’re in it, right? Kind of like you can’t see the forest from the trees’ idea. Any advice you would give the men to identify if they’re stuck with the story they’re fighting for?

Tim Matthews 5:46  

The results you get in your life, if you get results in your life that you’re not happy with, you get to look at what’s going on to create those results, the actions that you take in, and behind the actions is the story. So, start with, as I said, the result, and you come back into it. From there, at which point, you then, conversations important here. Because we couldn’t see our blind spots a few episodes ago, the four things for me were key in me. Navigating this really exciting point in my relationship with Amelia is becoming aware of what was going on for me. So being able to lean into the story, two, having people around me that can then turn to and speak to, three, then having some tools I can use to dismantle sort of story navigate through it, and then, four, having accountability. Becoming aware of this is key. Having people around you that you can speak to about it is so important because if you have been telling the story without any outside perspective or outside input. Then it can be pretty easy for you to make a different story and still stay stuck within the confines of your story because you don’t know what you don’t know.

Doug Holt 7:10  

This is so true; it’s one of the things we’re talking to the guys in The Brotherhood. When we ask them, The Brotherhood‘s a one-year program. You have to go through for everybody else you have The Activation Method, graduate, and be invited into it, now the guys in The Brotherhood. One of the things they like about it the most is people calling out their Bs, calling out their stories, so why is it that we fight for these stories once we’ve identified them? Okay, I’m stuck in a story, and I know it is not a story that serves me to my highest being. Why then am I going to fight for it?

Tim Matthews 7:48  

Because it’s scary, isn’t it? I’m going to keep bringing it back to what I’m experiencing right now because it’s easy, so for me, grown with Amelia. In our relationship, expressing myself and my desires at this next level and growing is scary. I could have brought things up with her. She could have completely rejected the idea, and she could’ve, I’m taking a risk and being seen in one of the most intimate places of my life where the stakes are the highest, let’s say I’m in business, let’s say I’m going to speak on stage. I’m holding back from speaking is taking a risk in being seen, where again, the stakes are still high because it’s so passionate to me, so those stories and serving me. It’s not giving me the result I desire. It’s that fear of being seen that that holds us in the story because a story is keeping us safe, and therefore giving us comfort, even though it’s not resulting in what we want, and that’s where the tug of war comes in. Because you don’t want to have the result that you got, you feel too afraid to make a change so, it’s back and forth, and that can be very draining. That’s where often if you don’t spot the pattern that’s where the men will then turn to drugs, alcohol, porn, women, social media, working even harder, whatever it is to try and fill themselves up because they’ve got this gaping gap from that tug of war.

Doug Holt 9:32  

Hey guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk about something important. We put together a case study on how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives, their 4x in the business revenues. They’re having more connected intimate sex, all without sacrificing the relationships or their health by using The Activation Method. Now, many of you have contacted us. They want to know how they’re doing it. We put together this short 11-minute case study just for you, so you can see how these Entrepreneurs are achieving this level of success to get this case study. All you have to do is go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/vs, that’s one, one, and you can get the case study right now, alright, it’s only 11 minutes. It’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode, and that tug of war, we’ve all been it feels, when you’re in that story, you’re stuck in it, it feels like the only thing that could be true, and often, it feels like this, like a pit of the dark abyss, right? You’re in a pit of darkness, and although people are around you, you feel ultimately alone, you feel secluded, and you hide. You hide because you don’t want anybody else to see that you’re in the story. After all, you’re a man, and you’re powerful, and you don’t want anybody else to know, you don’t want anybody else to know that your flaws, which they can see clearly by the way, so when you’re in this, and you’re stuck in it, what do we do, Tim? How do we get out when we know if we feel we’re feeling trapped? We’re feeling the story is consuming us, we know we’re in it, though, but we can’t see our way out. What do we do?

Tim Matthews 11:19  

So coming back to those four steps, the first step is spotting the pattern and the story, the second step is asking for help, reaching out, and speaking to people, and what you’ll realize as soon as you start to speak with people. The key here is to speak to people that are before you, speak to people that have gone through what is it that you’re going through, do not seek counsel, and we cover this in another episode, do not seek counsel from people that are struggling with the same problem, or haven’t yet gone through it. Because that’s no good for you, it’s more than likely going to either reaffirm a story that doesn’t serve you or not help you at all, and then you’ll be more likely to think, well, what the point is? So ask for help, raise your hand, in doing stuff again luckily for me, except I’ve been in this position many, many times, I handle it very differently today than I did before, it took me so long to raise my hand and ask for help after seeing the story, I could literally weeks, I journal, I meditate and listen to audiobooks, I try and figure out myself, that he’s often in a conversation with someone and really sharing with them how you’re feeling, and what’s going on for you, and for me I don’t often articulate that very well, because I’m often in a place of confusion, and a place of vulnerability as well, so I don’t really articulate that well, I articulate well enough so that I’ve been able to get it out and get some feedback, and it’s so key because when that feedback, obviously you get the feedback and you see what lands for you, just take advice, and follow every step of it if the person hasn’t gone before you, and even see what lands for you see what’s true for you because that person is still giving you the advice, through their experience and through their filter of the world, and obviously, the better that filter is, for example, in activation method, obviously, we worked with hundreds of men by this point and there’s a very specific pattern and story that comes up that ties into very certain lies have been told, such as what it means to be a man and so on, have feed into this hole that the story has over them, so raise your hand, ask for help explain it the best you can and then see what lands for you from the feedback that you get and don’t rush it, be with the heaviness, be with the sadness, be with the feeling of weakness, as long as you are in the conversation, and you are doing something about it, let the process unfold, if you rush it you’re going to missed the insights, just be with it and my advice to you as well would be to share with the people closest to you that you just figuring some things out right now and it’s not a reflection of them it’s nothing to do with them, because otherwise, more likely it is, you’ll be having dinner with your wife and you won’t be very present she’ll be thinking about things or your energy will be different you’ll be in a certain mood and she might start saying, God, why are you in a mood? Why can’t you be happy? But you are just going through your process, so I think the more you can explain that and share it and ask for space while you go through this, the better.

Doug Holt 14:55  

Great advice I mean, you’re really sharing with people around you as you’re going once you have the optics you’re in it, I think it becomes, you showcase yourself, as more of a powerful man, by admitting your faults and vulnerabilities as you did in a previous episode Tim so eloquently, I think that’s when you’re letting people in, you’re also letting them know, look it’s not you, it’s me and that way doesn’t trigger their insecurities because we all have them, we’re all human, and we have insecurities popping up, left and I don’t care if you’re the President United States or the Prime Minister or the Dalai Lama, you’re going to have insecurities I believe it’s part of human nature, be curious, by the way to know what the Dalai Lama’s would be, but when you look at this, once you’ve shared this with the people around you, get help, seek help, and as you said Tim, seek go down a path of people that have been there before you, because even if you’re a logical brain person like many of the men listening to this are, they know they’re stuck, and then they’re going okay, well, logically , if I seek help, I’m going to have to end up paying somebody that’s going to cost me, I’m making these numbers up 5, 10,15, 20,000 pounds, whatever it may be dollars, whatever it is, what’s the opportunity cost, right? So let’s say you do invest in bettering yourself. What’s the opportunity cost, in time resources, mental anguish, people around you spending time in this pit of the abyss, right? This strain it has on your relationships, the strain it has on your business, it’s such a smarter investment to go out there and get the help you need, whether it be from a professional or a good friend if you have that ability. However, I never advise getting advice like this from a good friend. They’re not just the best optics you need, somebody who’s independent and has your interests at heart. I would encourage people to do and have somebody in and ask them professionally to point out those stories and help clear them for you. It is such a freeing experience. You don’t have to go down to the Amazon rainforest and do Iosco or go through these spiritual retreats, and it is a matter of doing an investigation inside your soul, having a professional work with you, and spending some time by yourself, that is the first step in my opinion.

Tim Matthews 17:31  

I agree, because like I said, why did yesterday when I had that calls scheduled an hours, in the town center of Leeds, get some clothes, we go away tomorrow, and went back to the car to do my calls, beats this guy lasted five minutes instead of an hour, I then took myself through the process of the first step in The Activation Method, which is the truth and the purpose of the truth is to break you free from the change of society, to really understand the truth about yourself so in that process are four steps, detach, release, remember, reinforce and is to detach from the story, so I was unable to write a list of the story I was telling myself, and also what the truth is, the truth is on the other side, the truth about myself, the truth about how I’m showing up and in the process of that, I was then able to become aware of the story, instead of the story of in a whirlwind in my mind, and stirring up all sorts of emotions in myself, I was able to see clearly in front of me, which then put me in a position to be able to do something about it, and the second step was to release I made a promise to myself in the car that was going to have a clearing conversation with Amelia, I was going to share with her that this isn’t anything about you, this what I’m feeling right now isn’t a reflection of you, is a reflection of me, please work that I get to do on myself, I’m feeling insecure about myself right now, the stuff that I get to do here, and also shared with us some of the emotions that I was feeling as well, in order to clear some of the heaviness that I was feeling, and the third step of the truth is to remember who you truly are so I went through the exercise we give the men, to come up to write out my identity who I really am, away from the story who I really am, and then I’ll be completing that exercise, actually want to get back from center and now I want to get an A one sheet of paper, I create my who I you sheet and now I really be with that every day it feels exciting to do that, It’s going to be a great exercise, and the final step is to remember that sorry to reinforce and that’s where I’ll go through some practices which are the tangible actions to be reinforcing and aligning to that identity every day, which then does what builds a different story stacks the evidence for who I really am, because I’m seeing myself through the filter of truth, aside from the illusion, aside from the story, because while you’re in the story, you’re building evidence for the story, which then keeps you further in it, disempowers you even more.

Doug Holt 20:10  

Beautiful, well, Tim. On that note, let’s wrap this up a shorter episode than normal, but you just ended it with such a highlight. Hence, gentlemen, I advise you, I implore you to relisten to this and take out these action steps, perhaps you are living in a story, and perhaps it is time for you to make a change. I invite you to step into your greatness and make that change. Now is a good time, so with that episode, Tim, this is a wrap, thank you guys for another exciting episode of The Powerful Man show, have an amazing day, and we’ll see you next time.