What is the most important relationship in your life?
It’s safe to say, for most of us there is no relationship as important as the one you have with your partner. This relationship, like any business relationship, can be difficult and falls on hard times but how much do we actually invest in maintaining and improving it compared to our business relationship?
In this episode, Tim and Doug are back to analyze and discuss the root cause and solutions to some of the most common problems in relationships. Both Tim & Doug are in loving relationships with their significant others but they are happy to admit they have suffered very tough times almost to the point of the relationship breaking down completely.
What do you do when a relationship hits bad times?
It’s something so many of us can relate to. Thankfully there are a number of simple and proven techniques you can practice on a daily basis in order to improve your relationship with your other half. It starts with investing. Invest time and money into keeping your relationship healthy and don’t wait for it to become a problem before doing this.
What you will learn:
- How to identify patterns that cause problems in your relationship.
- Simple tips and techniques to overcoming relationship friction.
- How to balance your work and relationship properly.
- How to stop automatically judging and blaming.
- How to communicate honestly and openly without guilt.
- What having a coach can do for your relationship.
Tim Matthews 0:01
When I said look, the relationships are a bit fire right now in terms of passion, and excitement and spontaneity, and ever since having this conversation and giving myself that space to process in the middle of the space too, and it’s just so much better, which I know will spill over into the other areas that take you from feeling flop to the next level.
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your host, Tim Matthews, and I am with the very multitalented amazing Mr. Doug Holt. How are you, Doug?
Doug Holt 0:36
I’m doing great. What an introduction, man, I’m doing better now. How are you?
Tim Matthews 0:41
Yeah, I’m good. I’m good. I always love these conversations that you and I get to have, so it’s always a favorite part of the week. So I’m always amazed whenever you and I are recording these.
Doug Holt 0:52
I look forward to it. I wish we would just record a lot of times when we start these because as people listen to this, we’ve probably talked for 20 minutes before the show starts. And we could probably talk for 20 hours going forward, which is always great synergy going through.
Tim Matthews 1:09
It’s always great. So it’s my turn to fit the script. I’ve got a question for you this week. And it stems from something that I’ve been going through personally over the past few weeks and some tough conversations I got to have over the weekend. It has also been coming up a lot for the men within the inner circle, as you will know. And the question is, what do you do when your relationship hits hard times?
Doug Holt 1:38
Well, it’s a great question. I’m going to give you the answer to don’t let it hit hard times. I’m going to start there, and I’ll go back to the actual answer or the question at hand. And the reason I’m starting there is because of my relationship, so I’m married, 41, been with my wife for eight years, but I’m not married that long. That’s how long we’ve been together. We’ve gone through many struggles; we went through premarital counseling, went through marital counseling many times, and went through a lot.
We’ve got to a point which I don’t talk about publicly. But I will hear and share it with the men, and you’re always so open with everybody. But we got to the point where both of us were interviewing, I don’t say interviewing, but we’re both investigating or looking into divorce lawyers. We were at that stage where we’re going, “Okay, well, maybe we’re going to pull the trigger and end this relationship.” Nobody goes into a committed relationship, especially a marriage, with the idea that you’re going to get divorced or separate.
But here in the United States, you look at the statistics, and over 50% of marriages ended in divorce. And in certain areas where I grew up, Orange County, California, I think that number is closer to 65%. So it’s really large, and we think about this, right? No two people go into a union of any sort with the idea that you’re going to be breaking that bond breaking that relationship. And so what we’ve learned over the time, the reason I say is don’t get into those hard times, what we’ve learned were tools and things that you’re aware of too, Tim, tools that allow us to pull ourselves out of the muck almost instantly when we get in it.
Now we still get in it. We still get into arguments, we still get in fights, we still have what’s even worse than arguments and fights is that level of disconnection, right? That kind of level of you’re sleeping next to somebody, but they’re a thousand miles away. And that feeling was going through it. And to that point where Tim, you and I coach men at the highest level possible. But I have a coach, right. My wife and I hired an intimacy coach. And we didn’t hire one because things were going wrong. We hired one because things were going right, and we wanted them to continue to grow, right. And so we invested in our personal growth. I think men, especially women, are better at us for some reason than this. But for men, especially, we don’t address the problems until they become problems, right? We don’t try.
We try to fit, and we fix things, we’re good at fixing problems, or you hear about this if somebody asks a question or says, hey, gosh, I’m really tired. What’s the first thing you think about? Did you do this and this and this? We go to solve mode, and how can we help you fix it? And so what my wife and I have learned over time, and me being much slower, maybe learner than her is let’s go in front of this, right? History repeats itself unless you recognize or change the patterns. What I’ll answer that question again is telling the men that are listening to this and share it with you is when things are going right, that is a time to invest in yourself and your relationship, because you’re only building a stronger bond between each other we invest in the business, right?
You and I talk about this a lot, and we run successful companies, invest a lot of money in our businesses, and never think twice about that. We invest in vacations, massages, and taking care of taking our ladies out to dinner, and it’s a nice dinner, right? We take them out; we treat them well. But how often are we investing actual money and time in our relationships? And when you think about that, if I were to survey most people listening to this, and I asked what’s the most important thing to you in your world in your life? “It’s my friends and family. It’s my relationship.” Yet, I would bet if I look at your bank account, I look, and this is something you talk about Tim that I love. If I look at your calendar, show me your calendar, I’ll show you your priorities.
You can say the same with your money. Every dollar you spend is a vote. So how often are you voting for your relationship, not buying gifts, but investing in that intimacy, the things that build upon that relationship? So that’s a long-winded preamble to what I’m going to get into and obviously in talking to you and right now in this conversation, but also to the men that are already in the mud, right? You’re already in the hole, that doesn’t help. But hopefully, when you get out, you will, you’ll get out of it. Then you want to be in front of everything, right? As much as you possibly can, just like in business, you stay in front of it by investing in things before they become problems. You don’t want to be putting out fires in a relationship because you’re putting out fires and your relationship.
Those same fires somehow show up in your business. Somehow, someway, they show up in your health, they start to crumble you, your energy is drained in your business. Your wellness may start to slip because you’re not sleeping as much or worrying and whether you go to the gym or not, you still have that stress in your body handles stress the same way right emotional stress and physical stress are no different to your body. Your body chemically handles it identically. So that’s where I’ll start with, and I know the question you asked wasn’t related to that really, or I guess it’s related, but it’s not the exact answer you were looking for. But that’s where I would start telling the men to be more forward-thinking with it now.
Tim Matthews 7:21
Yeah, you’re going to continue that. I’m interested to hear what you got to say.
Doug Holt 7:27
Yeah, I could talk about the subject for a long time. After all, I was in so much pain for a couple of reasons because I was always in this state of being in problems with my relationship. And I was in so much pain, and you know me well. I’m one of those people that I’m going all-in to learn, to fix it, to deep dive, I took courses, I read books, and there’s probably not a book or video course, or maybe even a teacher that’s out there that I haven’t studied with or from in some way, shape or form, and my wife was the same way.
So I’m very lucky to have a partner that was equally if not more vested in her growth in this area. So if when you’re in the muck, and you’re in the mire, and you’re having problems in your relationship, you do not see eye to eye, if there’s a specific complaint coming out that one specific thing that’s nagging you. I’ll use Amelia because you’ve mentioned your girlfriend. You’re in a committed relationship with her. You mentioned her before in the show, and not that you would do it.
But if there’s one thing that’s bothering you about her, the first thing I recommend doing is going through Byron Katie’s work worksheet. It’s simple. It’s easy, but like all things in life, because it’s simple and easy. It’s easy not to do and for people that aren’t familiar with that. She has a thing called the judge your neighbor worksheet. If you go into The Activation Method, the Facebook group requests to join the resources section of that group. We’ll put that worksheet in there for you guys—worth going through.
Tim, you and I should probably do training around that, because there are some ways of working through that effectively. But it’s one of those worksheets that when you’re upset, it’s tough to go through, right? I know you’ve done it before, it’s really difficult because you’re like, ah, Why won’t she change? And it causes you to flip the script. And in doing that, I find that it gives me another point of view. You and I have talked about it before, is when you’re in a problem with your relationship, you see one, maybe two options, right? So if you have one option, you have no options, right?
Because no one thing is not an option. If you have two, those aren’t options. It’s an or statement, right? I either do this or I do that. So there are always three options here in any situation. And what I find with men when we talk to them, they’re almost always in this or that situation; it’s human nature. So what’s the end? What’s that third option for you was that third possibility? And often in the relationship, what is something really small. And it’s actually what’s causing you to be upset. And I might not be asked to answer your question exactly. But what might be upsetting you in the situation has nothing to do with your partner. And this pissed me off so much when I figured this out.
I mean, it took me like a year to get over it. I was so pissed because I just didn’t want to accept it. But what it has to do with typically, something is going on inside of you. You recognize it in somebody else and your partner, and it triggers you, and you react, and then you get into this loop of escalation. Typically, I know for Erin and I, my wife will get into this escalation loop, and we’ve named it, we’ve named it, we call it ER, right? Someone says ER, and then we have a thing where we are supposed to stand up and try to move our bodies and shake them, right to shake it out, and it’s hard to do at the moment. But even when someone says ER, you can get upset, but at least it’s a…
Tim Matthews 11:16
Doug Holt 11:17
It triggers you again, but it also is like, okay, am I in this pattern, and our pattern was, and still is, we’re always in this pattern, you don’t just lose the pattern, but you do gain clarity around these patterns. And my guess is what happened with you and Amelia. And what happens to the men are similar patterns that keep repeating themselves. And they’re different, right? They show up differently, but if we went to a whiteboard and mapped it out, they’re similar. What happens with Erin and I, for example, is she wants to do something like go out and be social or whatever. And my immediate reaction is almost always No. Right? And then she gets upset, and then I get upset that she gets upset.
Then she gets upset because I’m upset. And then she gets distant and pulls her level away from me. And so when she pulls her level away from me, that triggers within me that I can’t trust her. And then when I can’t trust her, I pull away. And now we have two people who love each other going in opposite directions, trying to protect themselves. And the reality is that it just keeps escalating until somebody calls it out. And then we realize what the real hurt was, is she was asking for something and felt misunderstood or felt that I didn’t take time to listen to consider her. What I felt was that she was being unreasonable and not considering me. But when we sit down and have the conversation, take a couple of breaths.
It’s almost laughable. And we’re able now, thank goodness, to turn that trigger around within seconds. And we chose a name called ER, my wife chose the name, and I agreed to it. It works, and what we try to do now is named these patterns as we discovered. And that allows us to identify the patterns rather than accusing the other person. And so what we would do in that situation is, we don’t blame that you did this. And that’s why I got upset. It’s, you know what, when you got upset, I felt my fear inside of me was that you’re pulling your love away. And what that made me feel as insecure. And that made me scared, so I pulled away, and nobody can evaluate your feelings. And then she would do the same thing. And I bet. Oh, she says, I’m hurt. The truth is, I never really want to hurt her. I love her.
And I think most of the men can relate to this on some level. Now, I’m trying to condense these two parts of doing things prepping before and what happens when you get into the muck in a very short period of time. This is why we’re doing for The Powerful Man group, the inner circle guys, we’re making a whole retreat on relationships alone and where they’re going to be able to bring their partner and discuss these tools because there’s no more important relationship in your life than your intimate relationship with your partner. And you just, it’s so worth investing. And I can’t overemphasize that.
Tim Matthews 14:17
Hey, guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk to you about how almost 300 men are already taking control of their lives, therefore accessing their business revenues, and they’re having more connected intimate sex using The Activation Method, all without sacrificing their relationships, or their health. Now, this is only an 11-minute case study we put together just based on all the feedback we’ve gotten from your listeners. To get the case study, all you have to do is go over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/. So that’s https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/, you can get that case study right now. It’s short, and it’s right to the point it’s going to give you actionable points that you can take right today. All right. Let’s get back to the episode.
So many things that came up for me like you, you were speaking that. I’ll try and remember all of them as I was making notes and scribbling, trying to keep up with it. But one of the things, one of the key things I think you said, and maybe the guys listening, man or woman, I’m familiar with. But one of the key things and I found that this was one of the things that were creating friction with me and Amelia’s relationship, and that’s a love language. I had started to love her in the wrong way. I’d start to love her in a way that was convenient for me, I would probably say. We’ve been through quite a bit of growth fairs over the past six months with The Powerful Man, as you’re aware, and I have chosen to step to the line and invest more time and energy and so on. So the things that I’ve been doing for Amelia would have been where it’s a little thing like I’ll bring her to her favorite coffee shop. I’ll take up a smoothie without her asking. And I’m thinking I’ll walk. She’s going to love this.
He always says that I don’t pay attention lately, and I’m not thinking about her. She’s going to love this. But in terms of love languages, that’s acts of service. And Amelia’s love language is an act of service. But my fallback whenever I start to get busy, well productive still, but work starts to consume and get busy periods of work. My fallback tends to be things like those acts of service. So Amelia then doesn’t feel that she’s receiving the love that she wants because her love language is quality time. And then if I am working more personally, it’s not even about the amount of quantity of time; it’s quality time. So if I’m there, but I’m not there if I am not looking after myself, I’m not meditating, I’m not doing the decompression that we teach to The Activation Method that allows me to switch off from my work there to be present with her.
I’m not fulfilling her love language; I’m not meeting her needs but in my mind. I’m not going all out, to be honest, but in my mind, I’m making an effort. These small things, with acts of service at the moment, seemed like a big deal. And so if you’re listening and you’re not that familiar with it, then I highly recommend you check out the free love languages test again. You can go into The Activation Method group; it’s in the resources section; there is a really easy and useful quiz that you can take that allows you to understand your love language and understand what your partners are. And obviously, you can make sure your needs are met. Now, the other caveat I did the Guinevere saying the weekend when all these things were surfacing for Amelia and I, I just wrote down on a sheet of paper, I just wrote down everything I was thinking all the judgments, she’s there, she’s that she’s the other, I just wanted to get it off my chest. And then beneath that, I wrote, how do I do these? And how am I this?
And I looked at each one of the judgments, how I did that, or how I was that. And it takes the sting out of it for sure. But in my opinion, it’s great exercise. Super useful, for sure, and I’d highly recommend checking it out. In my opinion, there’s a bit of a caveat to it, which is, and this is the question to you, Doug. How do you go through the exercise, take the sting out of it and realize how you do those things? Or how you are those things without then tolerating and sacrificing your own needs or desires in the relationship. Does that make sense?
Doug Holt 19:14
Tim Matthews 19:15
So here’s the thing. What I mean is, let’s say that I wrote down that Amelia is lazy. Let’s say she wrote that down, and then I looked, okay, well, how am I lazy? Well, sometimes I don’t do things around the house. Sometimes we do this; sometimes, you do that. But there’s also an element whenever you write down there’s a truth to it, isn’t it? So if you then constantly find how you do those things, or how you are that thing, then what’s going to happen? In my experience, anyway, what can happen is that you then don’t address that thing. And it keeps coming up because what you’ve then done is accepted it for what it is because you can see the gift in it. Which then means that Okay, I won Georgia for that thing. But then it’s still a thing.
Doug Holt 20:06
Tim Matthews 20:06
So then you tolerate because you see how you do it. You tolerate it because, well, how can you pull up on it? If you do it, but it remains a thing. Does that make sense?
Doug Holt 20:17
I get it now, and I battled this for a year, as I said, doing this worksheet. And the thing that helped me out and those that aren’t aware, one of the exercises in the worksheet is as you said, you turn it to yourself, how do you not do it? I am lazy when I XYZ. But then you also say, you find evidence for the opposite, right? Amelia is not lazy because she takes care of the dogs, and she takes care of me. Then once you have what I found to work is once you’ve had that list out, these are different parameters and relationships, right? Every little relationship has different layers where you can do different things. What level Have you developed that in?
So when I first started doing this, well, first of all, I kept blaming, right? I make this list and be like: Yeah, Amelia is lazy. Or whatever it may be. And like you’re saying, what I would do my evolution, Tim would be what I call cleaning up my side of the street first. It’s kind of the idea of don’t throwing rocks if you live in a glass house type atmosphere. The analogy or the visual that I have is, for my wife and I, is we have two different houses, right? Each person lives in one house, and we’re on the street. And her house is messy like the yard is not kept. There’s trash everywhere, and it drives me nuts to look at it.
However, I can’t say anything until my yard is immaculate. My house is completely well kept. So it’s not tolerating her house, you kind of have to, but you gotta fix yourself first and lead by example. That’s step one, take charge of your shit. It’s easy to blame other people, it’s easy to turn outward, especially when we’re stressed, especially when we’re tired. And businessmen, right? Our job is fixing things. We want to fix other people, and it’s harder to fix ourselves; that’s step one. Now, once you say you’ve done that, you go, “Doug, I’ve done that I’ve been working on myself, I’ve cleaned my yard, I’m not going to worry about that. So I call it my side of the street.”
The second step, if you’re open to it, is then approaching your partner. So I’ll say I’ll use Erin, my wife, in this example of what I was saying. She was lazy, and I’ve had that story, to be honest, that she’s lazy. And she’s not but what I would do then is say, “Hey, look, I’ve been working all day. And I’m just stressed and tired, and I came out here and saw you sitting on the couch. What made me feel underappreciated, and when I felt underappreciated, this is what was happening for me. And in that instance, I would share a vulnerability level to what was going on inside me. When I saw you sit on the couch, I felt under-appreciated, which then I got really angry. And when I got angry, I pushed away from you. I don’t want to push away from you. So I apologize for that.” In that sentence, I didn’t blame her for anything. There’s no blame. I’m still letting her know that this is what happened. But I’m letting her know and sharing what happened inside of me.
Right, so that’s level two, level three, which is the level we all want to get to the right so you can address that problem. But you can’t get to level three, in my opinion, until you’ve mastered level one. After mastering level one, which is the cleaning, you’re on the side of the street. Then you could go to master level two. Right now, trust me guys, I have tried to skip 123, go right to three so many times. That’s why it took me over a year to figure this out and come to three; then you can share that. You can then address and say, hey, look, what showing up for me in my story, because it is a story it’s you’re creating it is that you’re lazy.
And I want to talk to you about ways that we can work in partnership, and this is what would work for me. Would that work for you? And now, you can have an open, heartfelt conversation. Because when you go in there you’re lazy, you’re accusing somebody of something. One is you’re making up a story, right? That’s your story; they’re lazy, two is you’re accusing them of doing something wrong. When anybody accuses you, what’s your first reaction? Defense, right? And then especially for us guys that tend to be a little more in the alpha stage.
Our women tend to be more alpha, and high achieving men attract high achieving women because high achieving women are only looking high achieving men like women don’t date down the only date up. Men, we will lay down a little bit, but the idea is our women are going to be more. Typically, if you accuse them, they get defensive and turn to aggression or hurt. And now, in my situation, Erin may push away from me, which then may show up for me as her being lazier or not willing to address the conversation.
Tim Matthews 25:22
I love what you say, in general. Well, that’s kind of the flow of what went down through us recently. I went through level one of writing down the judgment, how do I do this? And then I was like, Okay, what do I want to change? And there were some before we had these conversations, there are some points we write down. And one of the points that I wrote down that I wanted to bring upon this point at this conversation has been communicating honestly without guilt. When Amelia and I were going experiencing this conversation, what came clean about how we felt. She said I’ll find that out.
I’m just going to leave shall I leave the dogs here with you, and I’ll pack my stuff, and I’m going to stay away for the weekend. I’m like, Okay. And she said, so she started to get some stuff together and she was about to leave, and then she’s like, bothered that I’m going to leave? I’m like, to be honest. No. And it hurt her, and I didn’t mean for it to upset her, but to be honest it wasn’t that I didn’t care. Of course, I cared, but I want at that moment. I want it in my space. All-day, she’d been asking me questions, and I just for me, I want to get my facts straight. I’ve been in that position where I’ve been reactive, and I’ve said things, and they’ve not been right. They’ve been judgments, and they’ve been blaming, they’ve been up all those things we just spoke about.
One is to stay silent and just ask for some time. And as I was doing through this day, I was like, I don’t know what to say right now because I want to get clear in my mind as to what’s going on and how I feel and where these feelings are coming from so that then led us to the even and that’s when then she was like, “Okay, well, I’m going to leave for the evening, and you don’t care.” I’m like, “Well, no, because I needed my space like I said,” and then what I came to realize in having that space and being able to communicate honestly without feeling guilty because the department wanted to say to now I want you to stay because I didn’t want to upset her. I wanted her to stay, but I just got so polar. I had to be honest, and I had to trust what I felt. That then led me to have space and figure out what was going on and why I realized Doug was a loving guy.
And I love affection, I love intimacy, and the thing that had been lacking on my side of it, I felt, had been lacking was that level of intimacy. I didn’t feel very appreciated. I didn’t feel my efforts were appreciated. That was as simple things hugs, kisses, no words of affirmation is my love language. And then I think physical touch is my second, so I’m a very affectionate guy. And I think like I’d forgotten Amelia is a love language. I think she just forgot mine a little bit too. So in terms of two people being very in love, feeling very hurt when to protect themselves and going in opposite directions. That’s effectively what was kind of going on for us. But what then happened was Amelia then came back that evening. I’ve been in relationships in the past when a woman leaves, and within 10 minutes, they’re finding you and finding you and finding you. And you’re just like, ah, give me my space.
And what one thing I love about Amelia is she’s very strong and independent. When she left, she didn’t ring me. She respected the fact that I wanted and needed in some respects and that space to breathe and process and understand what was going on. And when we did speak a few hours later and ended up coming back, which was great, I went to a great conversation, and I was vulnerable. This was the whole level two kind of thing. I was like, “look what I’ve been feeling is that I don’t feel appreciated. I don’t know affection. I’m a loving guy, whether you want to call that feminine whether you want to know,” and I started to feel how she can take that. I’m an affectionate guy. Give me some kisses. So I was vulnerable. I let her see the side of it that I don’t think she’s probably seen before, but she then had a choice, she had a choice like, Okay, well, do I want to give him a level of affection?
Yes or no. And then when we start to talk about different solutions, do we want to get a relationship coach for a little while to bring in some accountability really to the relationship if we both say we’re going to choose something new, then do we want to have somebody to support us in that container so that now we step forward then we came up with some other cool ideas as well. And appreciation jar. I picture like a little advent calendar; we don’t have to write anything in there. But let’s say the color green on a post-it for Amelia, blue for me, and you go about your day. And some might do something that you appreciate, and you shall write a little note and fold it up and pop in there and have it in the kitchen or something. I may go to the kitchen tomorrow morning and see it there, and I’m like, “oh! I’ve got a little note!”. Take it out and just call a nice, tiny little gesture that I think will work well.
Let me set up some of the things around date nights as well, that we’re going to use a jar system around that as well, as we have different ideas on date nights. We’ll write them on a post-it, pop them in there, and we can set the date nights together. You know what, Doug? One thing that I also said to Amelia is, I don’t know if you experienced this. I said, look, “Sometimes I’d love you to take me on a date.” So what do I mean? I’m like, “I’d love for you to take control of debt night from time to time. Take me out and just just take control of it” because I think we both have a lot going on, of course, but it’s also not that I get the whole thing of date night and awesome woman in tech, I get all that. I do. And I’m all in on it. I also think it’s important for us as men to also have the light shine on us as well, from time to time, rather than always being the provider and the giver.
And sometimes it’s time for us to receive. And if we only ever receive by doing things for ourselves behind closed doors, and it always remains behind closed doors, I think it is really important to bring that into the relationship. So it’s a lot more of not necessarily 50/50 on the date night. But there’s a little bit more than I think, for me anyway as really important. So anyway, coming out of the conversation with Amelia, we made some great choices. And we’re in the process of still implementing a lot of those, but since then, the connection, I said the best way because I was honest with him, I said, Look, the relationship is flat right now. We’ve got a good relationship. We haven’t got a great relationship.
This level has been very easy for us to have a great relationship for the past few years. We met, we’re traveling together, it was very easy for us to have a great relationship. And now as we set best in leads, it’s more of the whole, I wouldn’t say it’s a nine to five kind of structure. But there’s one mobile home base structure. It’s just the next level with both now having different needs of both levels, we both grow time to readdress what’s important to us both and then obviously achieve that and create that together. Now I was very open and honest, without guilt, and I said, Look, the relationships with fire now. In terms of passion and excitement and spontaneity, we both love those things.
How can we create all that comes from the connection? As I said, a moment ago, now ever since having this conversation and giving myself that space to process and immediately the space to when we came together, had the conversation made the choices? First and foremost, the connection has been so much better than these tiny little things. Like she’s, it’s just so much better, which I don’t know will spill over into the other areas that take it from feeling flat to the next level. So yeah, we’ve gone on, we could go on for a long time, I’m sure about all of this. Are there any final words you want to share with the men or women before we wrap this up?
Doug Holt 34:26
Yeah, I wish we had someone to summarize all the cool points you just put out there, but we are on time. And just to summarize to men and women. One is in all areas of your life; all the most successful people have a coach. You just see this over and over and over again. And Tim, you and I coach men, specifically, at the highest level, and they have coaches, and that’s great. So listening to this and you don’t have a coach, get one period. Find one; it doesn’t have to be us or anything else, but find one and then also men and women, I’ll speak to men specifically here, get ahead of the curve if you’re listening to this going, Wow.
And I bet everybody listening to this is seeing some resemblance in their relationship, whether it be currently or previously, get ahead of it as soon as you can because that’s the way to do it. And the area that you should be investing in heavily, I would say, double down in relationships. Because if you’re one of those people that says the most important thing to you and your life is relationships, then what are you doing? Don’t lie. What are you doing? And getting a coach is just a third party that allows you to see the patterns that you just mentioned, and we talked about, as people, we don’t see them as patterns, right?
We don’t identify them. We identify them just as ways of being just who we are. So that’s what I would say, starting with getting a coach and getting some accountability around it. Invest heavily in your relationships, and do what you did, Tim, if you’re in the shit, you’re in it, you’re in it for you what it is, I do ten breaths, ten deep breaths. It’s a lot of times I’ll do it before I say anything, I’ll count to 10. 10,9 internally, I’ll just stare at my wife and do that, but just calms me down in general and allows me to get out of the situation. So there’s a lot I’d love to share and a lot, and you would, too and talk about that. In the interest of time, I would go back through this recording and write down many of the nuggets that are in here. There’s a lot of a lot to be harvested from this conversation, and I appreciate you bringing to the table.
Tim Matthews 36:39
Hmm, pleasure. And I appreciate everything you’ve shared because another marriage that you and Erin have, and says never show the type of father you are, the lifestyle you’ve created, and it was a real honor. I was excited to share this question because I knew you’d have some amazing nuggets. So thank you for joining us, and we’ll see you at the next show.
Doug Holt 37:00