Episode #384
Is your wife always running late? And does that make you late?
This is a big trigger for a lot of men. They’re always late to things and they always have to make excuses that cause stress, anxiety, shame, and guilt – which causes fights between their wives. Ultimately, guys cave in and surrender to being late – falling into that beta mode.
Recognize that you’re upset not because of your wife’s routine, or because she’s always running late. It’s about her making you late or making you wait, which can be a sign of disrespect for a lot of people.
Start laying some ground rules. Set some boundaries. If she violates your boundaries, kindly and firmly send them a message that you are serious about your boundaries.
In this episode, we’re talking about how to deal with your wife always being late and understanding what the real trigger is. We get into how to make yourself calmer when this happens, how to set boundaries, and how to make your wife respect them.
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
What’s taken so long? Let’s go, and we got to go movie started or whatever it may have been. And I would rush her, push her to push her, and push her to negative attention when you do it that way. When I was rushing my wife, I was doing multiple things. One is I was reinforcing her behavior subconsciously because I was giving her attention. Two, I was rushing around, and when you rush a woman, you put her into a masculine, energetic state out of a feminine energetic state. The third thing I was doing was pissing her off, and it’s so that it would cause a fight and distance. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:43
Yeah, zoom, and we turn that voice off when it says it is being recorded.
Doug Holt 0:49
For those guys listening. Tim lives in Wales right now. And I live on the West Coast of the United States. So we record these podcasts via zoom. And that way, Tim and I get to see each other and we always chat. And it’s always a little trap, usually a little trash talk. And that goes on between recordings. So when you hit record, for those that are probably everybody listening to this zoom, the little, there’s a woman’s voice, it’s very robotic, that says this recording started recording stopped. So it makes me chuckle a little bit because it also cut you off,
Tim Matthews 1:23
Never used to be that did it
Doug Holt 1:25
No, that’s a newer one. Well, now they have the little sign that starts at the beginning, where you accept whether you will allow a recording or leave the meeting. So anyway, as it’s a digression and a funny little aside. So Tim, what I want to talk about today is a problem many guys have, and we’ve heard this talked about time and time again. And that is a problem when their wife is always late. So an example could be that I’ve experienced this before myself, and then we’re going to talk about how you deal with this as a man? What’s going on behind the scenes? And how do you deal with it? So let me set the scene. I’m sure your partner Amelia is always on time. And so you’ve probably never experienced this issue. But for some of us guys, our wife can be perpetually late. So you’re getting ready. And maybe it’s a work meeting or a trip, or maybe you’re going into movies or what have you. And you always find yourself showing up 3045 minutes late to whatever venue you’re going to be. And as you’re getting in late, I’ll use a work dinner party. You show up late, and you’re angry, you’re upset, your wife’s upset. Now, at this point in your gut, you walk to the table where ten other people are sitting down, and they’ve already started drinks and appetizers and such. And you’re arriving there late, and it’s hard to find a seat, and it’s a little more disjointed. And you’re trying to join the conversation. And you’re in this state of just disconnect and upset. Because here you are, you were ready on time, had the car ready, ready to go, and yet again, for the umpteenth time. So 100 of the time, or whatever it is, your wife decides that she needs longer to get ready or whatever it is. And now you’re late, and you’re finding yourself fumbling through making excuses and apologizing to people. And you and your wife are pissed at each other because you’re coming in late to this party. Have you ever experienced anything like that?
Tim Matthews 2:08
Yes. Amelia
Doug Holt 3:37
Amelia is either in the room or listens to the podcast. So a lot of guys do this. Another story I heard of a guy who was like, Look, I love going to the movies, my wife loves going to the movies. But then, every time we go to the movies, I want to be there before the previews. So we get a good seat right in the center. And so we can have a great experience. But what happens is, inevitably, I plan the date night we go, we’re getting ready for the movies, and we show up 15 minutes into the movies already started. And now it’s pitch dark black, and we have to find our seats. We’re always that person interrupting the movie, trying to get through people’s legs. So we can find a seat, and they’re usually crappy angles. And we’ve already missed the premise of the movie. My wife and I are disconnected. We’re pissed at each other. And after that, we go to dinner, and I’m just telling her, look, you’re taking too long to get ready. This is ridiculous. I mean, your hair looks fine, but I don’t care about it. I just and then the argument ensues. So now I want to talk about how guys can know what’s happening and how they can handle this? Any experience that you’ve had with this in particular?
Tim Matthews 4:52
Yes, lots and yeah, sometimes. Sometimes it triggers me, and I deal with it. I’m not perfect with it. But yeah, anyway, I won’t go into what I do because we’re going to go there, I guess.
Doug Holt 5:05
So yeah, I’ll talk about it because this is a big trigger for me. And it is in business. And so, in business, this applies to guys. So you can use this not only with your partner but also with your kids and business and other things. So what’s happening here, guys? Let’s first uncover why most people don’t think about it. Not only is your wife late, but you’re late. And you’re not upset that your wife is late, you’re upset that you are late to the function, you’re upset because she has made you late. Right now, you are late for the movie, and you are late for dinner. And in business, you’re late to the meeting, or the meeting isn’t starting on time. That’s where the trigger happens. That’s where the upset occurs. Right? You don’t get upset at somebody that yourself, excuse me, somebody else for being late to a function per se, usually, it’s you’re upset at them making you late or starting things later and pushing you back or making you wait for them. Right. So in business meetings or any means The Powerful Man, we do our best to start on time. And not everybody in the organization is always on time. So when I’m running a meeting, I usually do my best to start it within one minute of the original start time, regardless of who’s there. Because it is such a trigger for me. But that’s the agreement, the agreement, we had a meeting at 8 am. Whenever it is, we are going to start right. I will just continue as if so the first thing to recognize is the fact that you’re upset your anger isn’t regarding your wife’s routine to get ready isn’t regarding her being late to the movies, it regards her making you late, or them making you wait, which can be a sign of disrespect for a lot of people it is for me. So that’s where the upset occurs. Once we know that, we can start laying some ground rules now and start making some ground rules. Before I go on how to do this effectively, let’s talk about how most of us do it and how certain I used to do it. And maybe Tim, you can relate to this too. What I used to do with my wife is I’d be something like, come on, what’s taken so long let’s go we got to go, we got to go the movie started movie starting or whatever it may have been. And I would rush her; I would push her and push her. Now, if you have kids that need attention, good attention to a kid. Or any human being. So negative attention when you do it that way. When I was rushing my wife, I was doing multiple things. One is I was reinforcing her behavior subconsciously because I was giving her attention. Right? At that moment, two. I was rushing around; when you rush a woman, you put her into a masculine energetic state, not a feminine energetic state. femininity is free-flowing, where masculinity is more rigid. The third thing I was doing was pissing her off. Right? I was pissing her off, and it’s so that would cause a fight and distance. Right going through there. So that’s what’s occurring there. And so the way that we can, we can stop that and prevent that is by setting some boundaries. And Tim, you’re amazing at setting boundaries in teaching the guys how to set boundaries. And it can look something like this. Hey, babe, I always get triggered. I get upset. When I end up being late for the dinner, the movie, the meeting, whatever it is, fill in the blank. And it just doesn’t work for me. So how can we make it, so we’re always on time or early? Right? And then she can answer now she could push back. But you come to this from an energetic, loving state. living space and a space of inquiry. How can we make this work together? Right. And then you give her a couple of Mulligans? Let’s say it’s two. And I would do this in business meetings too. Hey, we agreed to be here at eight o’clock. Let’s do that. I don’t like waiting. If you’re going to be late, let me know. And I’ll show up late. so you get a couple of Mulligans in there. Now, if it keeps happening, that means they’re disrespecting your boundaries. Right? And when they start disrespecting your boundaries, now you can say, look, the next time this happens, it’s important for me to be there on time. And if you’re not available or ready to say it’s at 6 pm to go to the movies that start, then I’m just going to have to go, and you can just meet me there if that’s the way you want to do it. Now you want to hold this for like the last resort, guys. Because this is kind of a request like, Hey, this is what’s going to happen. And again, you got to do this from a loving space. If you’re angry, yelling doesn’t work. But if you do this from a loving space and holding space for yourself, a boundary for yourself, like the look, we’ve talked about this before. You said that the next dinner dates, I told you it’s important to me that if we have reservations with friends at 6 pm, we’re going to be there on time. And you agreed to do that. We’ve missed the last one. And here we are, again, if this happens again, then you can just meet me at the restaurant because I hate being late. Right? Now, let’s say the next dinner date comes, and 545 rolls around, and it’s going to take you 15 minutes to get to the restaurant. Your wife is still doing her hair, you just grab the car keys, and you go, leave a note, hey I waited for you as long as I could, but per our agreement discussion, I’ll just meet you at the restaurant. I look forward to seeing you. make it nice. But that’s going to send a very solid message that you’re serious about your boundaries. And you could again, you could do the same in business meetings, and we’ve had this conversation, I’ve had this conversation with several people in business, where it’s like, Look if we’re not going to meet at eight o’clock, you’re going to be late, let’s just change the time, or I’m not going to show up, or I’m just going to start the meeting without you. Right. And if those boundaries aren’t honored, it’s up to me to carry through, if I don’t carry through with what I’m going to say, starting meetings on time, or ending them on time, as an example, in business or my wife going to be there on time. If I don’t honor those boundaries, they’re not going to respect those boundaries, just as kids would do. Right. So this is a big trigger. I’ve heard many times from many of the guys in the movement about their wife always being late. They’re always late to things. And they always have to make excuses, which causes stress, anxiety, shame, and guilt causes fights between their wife. And ultimately, the guys cave in, and end up always being late. And then it was kind of like a yes, man. And they fall into the beta mode at this point. And this can go the other way; by the way, you guys could be the one that’s always late, and your wife should be doing this for you. But since this show is The Powerful Man, we’re talking about how this relates to men.
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Tim Matthews 12:37
Yeah, the way that I’ve dealt with this in the past is he said something. It’s got to come from a loving place, which is easier said than done sometimes because you can be super triggered. A lot. And enough to convey your boundary and stand firm from that place. But yeah, for me, that’s where I’ve fallen. And then the request can sound like a threat. And that isn’t good. That is not good for me—anyway, my experience. So yeah, I was going to emphasize that point. It’s important to understand yourself and understand what the trigger is, like you said at the beginning and what’s going on for you. So when it comes up, he says one of the first things to take the man through in The Activation Method is the shadow stickman exercise where you get clear on a lot of your triggers and how they show up. And what then causes you to fall into what we call that shadow stick man, which may have traits that have been the nice guy may have traits of lashing out whatever it is. And that’s helpful for the men because it makes it easier for them to spot the blueprint when a trigger shows up. It always has a signature. So a signature, just over-elaborate, would be you’ll feel a certain way your lap to sound where your body language will be a certain way you’ll anyway, get clear on the signature and what is going on for you. And that will help you remain calmer when it comes up and attach from it so that you can lovingly maintain your boundary.
Doug Holt 14:28
Yeah. And so early on in my marriage. I was not that guy, the loving way guy. I was. And Tim, me well enough to know that on-time is early for me. And you and I’ve had several conversations about that for our meetings. And I haven’t always lovingly set those boundaries. I’ve tried all kinds of ways. It’s usually pretty firm. But at the same time, with my wife, I know it doesn’t work. She’ll say, oh, you’re hurrying me. You’re rushing me. Now, that puts me in my masculine. My wife knows enough about this. But then, when I set boundaries from a loving place like, Look, man, it’s important to me that we show up on time to a meeting with somebody, it’s important to me to do it. And last few times, you’ve agreed to it, but it hasn’t worked. So if it starts happening, I’m just going to have to take care of myself and make sure that I get there on time, and you can meet me there. And that’d be awesome. We have separate cars, that’s cool. I’ll go; I won’t say it like that. But I go through it in some kind of way, where I’m framing it as like, this is what’s important to me. And if you can’t honor that, then we need to go our separate ways. Right? And that brings up a discussion because what’s going to come up for her? You’re going to get pushback on this guy. But if you do it this way, if it gets to that ultimatum point, and you’ve got to wait, you got to have some Mulligan’s in there, and you have to have an agreement, she has to have to buy in with this, you can’t give the request if she doesn’t have buy-in. Right? She has to agree that okay, it’s important to you, I agree. I’ll make sure I’m on time. If she disagrees, and you have a discussion about that, then you can decide what you want to do. But if she agrees, then she violates your boundary. Again, you could be the guy violating the boundary. So check yourself, but if she violates your boundary, then you have to call it out. Because what you don’t want to do is just go fine. I’m just going to be the nice guy, and I’m going to shut my mouth. I’m not going to say anything. I’ll just wait. And then she gets there, and you’re cold, and you’re distant. Let’s face it, guys, you’re closed down because you’re pissed. You’re bearing it down. So you’re cold, and you’re distant, you’re driving to whatever, you’re going too fast. Because you’re angry, and you want to get there. Right? And you’re in, and there’s not much dialogue. She can feel it. Now she’s upset, and then you’re both now you’re upset because she’s upset that you’re upset. And it starts to snowball into this just shitty experience. And nobody’s happy. And you’re the beta because you’re waiting for her. You’re reacting to her. And you have made it okay for her to violate your boundaries. And that signals to her that she can violate your boundaries whenever she wants to. And you’re going to do what she wants to do at the end of the day. It’s her rules that rule.
Tim Matthews 17:23
And you get passive-aggressive. Listen, it’s okay to drive separate cars. It’s cool with me.
Doug Holt 17:33
Well, yeah. You have to have that boundary, though. And you?
Tim Matthews 17:36
Oh, you do, yeah, you do this, That’s the real, the real key here to pick out one key is that the place well is hard. The trigger is also important. Because it will help you to ensure it comes from a solid plus,
Doug Holt 17:54
Yeah, you have to recognize that you have that trigger. And that is you, not her, that’s triggering you to be late. That’s the problem. It’s you. That’s why you’re upset. And the ultimatum is a last resort. But it’s there to leave a message of like, I honor my boundaries. And if that means getting there on time requires me to drive a car and you to show up separately, then So be it,
Tim Matthews 18:21
Right.
Doug Holt 18:22
And this goes with kids too. If you set boundaries with your kids, you have to enforce them. Otherwise, the kids aren’t going to know what’s which one is which was left, and they’re not going to know what to do. And that puts the kids in a precarious situation. Sometimes dads yell at me for not cleaning my room; sometimes, he doesn’t care. And kids are always there to test boundaries. So people, men, you test boundaries. Women do too. And it happens all the time. And there’s a constant jostling for position in relationships. And a lot of this happens behind the scenes. It’s subconscious. Also, we’re all raised differently. Right? We have different meanings. For some people showing up to a meeting at eight o’clock is on time with me today. Some people up it’ll five is not a big deal. Right? Or if you’re a ten, some people going to a movie and showing up 15 minutes late, no big deal. That’s how I grew up for some people. It’s a major issue. So the point is to have the clarification and let your partner know what your boundaries are. Agree on that right get buy-in it just like you would like anybody else. And once there’s buy-in, you got to honor your boundaries give some Mulligans. It’s hard for some people to change their habits. Give some Mulligan’s in there, give some respect, and but call it out. Right, call it out, and I like to call it out in a jokingly loving way. And do it not in a passive-aggressive way, but in a joking, loving way. And then you can make it a playful thing. Hey, I’m honoring my boundaries but also making a playful teasing thing, and then it comes becomes almost like foreplay. And I can tell you, and my wife will tell you that when I handle it that way, it’s sexy. I’m honoring my boundaries. Therefore, I’m going to honor and respect her be able to protect her. Because if I don’t honor my boundaries, how the heck can I protect her? Right? If I don’t honor myself, secondarily, if I make it playful and funny, then we’re giggling, laughing about it. So two things stack on to each other that makes it for a sexy, loving experience. And my wife will test me, and she will test me to make sure that the boundary is still there. And I push back. And if I give in, it becomes a problem. Right? There are circumstances, and there are special things that come into play. But regularly, you have to be able to judge between a test and something that’s going on that’s causing an issue.
Tim Matthews 20:47
Yeah, good point.
Doug Holt 20:50
So guys, here’s what you want you to do if you’re finding yourself, your wife is late, or maybe it’s somebody that you work with on zoom meetings, or maybe it’s somebody else, the first thing I want you to do is to go ahead and let them know, what it is you desire. What is your boundary? Hey, this doesn’t work for me, then get by in the way I do. That is how we can make this work? Or can we make this work? Right? Assuming you get buy-in and you both agree that great, we’re going to start on time, or we’re going to show up on time or whatever it may be. Right? And sometimes somebody, I’m just a caveat. Somebody might say, hey, look, just tell me it’s 30 minutes earlier. They just basically lied to me. Some people like that, and I’ve been told that by people. And you can agree to do that. Sometimes I’ll say, No, you’re an adult; you figure it out. Get the buy-in, and then allow a few more of it, but hold on to your boundaries. And every time that boundaries are violated, just bring it up, say, Hey, we agreed on this; what am I missing? Right? What am I missing? And she may say, Ah, I just forgot, or Geez, I was running late or managed to look beautiful for you. There are all kinds of reasons to That’s fantastic, or so I understand. And these are the boundaries we agreed upon. And then you move from there. And as a last resort, you throw out the request of like, Look, we agreed upon this. Next time this happens, I’ll just meet you at the party. And that way allows you to take your time getting ready, and I get to be there at the time. It’s effective for me, but the key is if you make that request, you have to pull the trigger on it. have to pull the trigger. Alright, gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man show. As always, take some action and set your boundaries. Have an amazing day.
