Don’t Be A Chump

Episode #385

Why do men sometimes end up being chumps? How does it happen? And how can you increase your “market value” to keep this from happening to you?

For men to get what they want, they have to do some stuff. Women do this all the time. You start doing things in the house and then you get what you want in return.

When she realizes that she can tantalize you with that, what happens – slowly, at first – is that you’re becoming a chump. You will fall from the game. Like a mouse in a maze trying to chase cheese.

This happens to a lot of guys.

Set clear boundaries and talk about them. Figure out what you want to be, and be firm about who you are. Doing things from that perspective, and clarifying what you will tolerate in your standards, changes the game.

In this episode, we are going to talk about how not to become a chump, the reasons why a lot of men end up being a chump, releasing the breaks, and ways to fuel yourself and increase your market value.

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

Now she’s learned she can tantalize you with that. You think you might get sex, say it’s five years into the relationship or longer, and she says, Hey, box in the garage, what used to turn into hot sex? Because you’re helping her out? Does it delay? You need to do that three or four times, and then you get sex. And slowly, what happens is those timelines between what you get when you want sex, or whatever it is, goes further and further apart. What’s happening here is you’re becoming a chump. You’re falling for the game. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. How are you doing, brother? 

Tim Matthews 0:43

Yeah, I’m doing great and doing very well. Yeah, I enjoyed the inner circle call today. 

Doug Holt  0:51  

Yeah, that you have coming up, fire off that call, which is always awesome. You always seem to be on cloud nine after those inner circle calls in particular. 

Tim Matthews  0:59  

Yeah, I love them. I just love coaching them, man. It just lights me up. Especially I think yesterday, as I said in the podcast, was recorded. Two episodes ago, I did the quarterly review with one of the guys yesterday; I’ve got another one tomorrow. So yeah, it’s just even when the nontrack is still great because it’s so coachable. And if they’re coachable and they’ve got the right tools and which to do, then they’re never going to be off track for too long. And all these guys are just players, so they take the advice and just run with it.

Doug Holt  1:42  

Yeah, it’s funny as I think back in retrospect, hindsight, 2020. So Gosh, 15 years ago, I signed up for coaching with a guy. And he did group coaching. And he said, hey, look out for three different groups you can get into one group if I’m going to make up these numbers. One group is $1,000 a month. The next group is 5000. And the third group is 10,000. a month. I was like, okay, what’s the difference? We said, there’s nothing. The differences are the people that were with men and women, the people that are choosing to be in those groups, that’s it, he’s like, what you’re going to find is the people in the $1,000 group. They’re playing, and they’re playing the game, the people in the $5,000 group, they’re B plus players. The $10,000 Group, those guys and girls are flying. And because the coach is the same, the topics are the same. There’s no difference in the guidance, but the people you’re surrounding yourself with are the difference. I thought that was so interesting. such an interesting little tweak. So the guys in the inner circle, those guys are released in the freaking Break, as we talked about that in the release of the broken podcast, the inner circle for the guys, people that don’t know that listen to this is our highest one-year mastermind group, it’s a little more intimacy to have more access to Tim Arthur, myself, going through it. But it’s very similar, in the sense of, you’re playing with men who have committed in time, the biggest resource, they’re also committed, and capital, their investment financially into this and the duration. 

So they’re playing at a higher level, just by the simple fact of declaring. So joining a group like that and surrounding themselves with other people flying that high. It’s kind of like sports, when you’re basketball, football, soccer, whatever. If you’re a decent athlete, let’s just say your average, just average, if you play with people that are a lot worse than you, you play down to their level. If you play with better people than you, you play up to their level, and you get better fast. And it’s the same thing with any other thing in life in business, in a mastermind group in coaching, etc. It’s very, very similar. So, no doubt or no surprise, I should say that you come off those calls and a high because those guys they’re putting in the work, and they are very coachable. Speaking of coachable, what I want to talk about today is completely different. I want to talk about the scenario that a lot of guys fall into. And this is a scenario that’s not maybe men will find familiar. And the way this works, or often works, is a guy who will be in an, I’ll call it, a less than sexual gratifying relationship, meaning sex is infrequent or not as frequent as they would like. And they’re in their marriage. And often, to get sex, the guy’s got to do some stuff. So the wife might come up to them and say, Hey, babe, I’m tired. We take out the trash, and you help out with the boxes in the garage and move them around. And then she might And do a blouse button or something. Right? And then with the thought and the provoking problem of provocation that if he does this, he’s going to get laid or get a blowjob or something along those lines. And this goes on for a very, very long time. And this starts early. And women do this all the time, even women, single men, women, and I don’t fault them for this at all, right? It’s the sex drive, man. You’re breathing, man; a 20-year-old, one hot woman comes up to you and says the big boobs and a nice butt. Hey, could you help me move these heavy things out of my car? Most guys are going to be like, Sure, I’ll help you. 

Right. And the idea they do it from as they’re doing it because she’s hot. Which means aka means you’re hoping for sex or hoping to be able to turn down the idea of sex. Because say you’re in a committed relationship, you still do it. You like flirting with the idea of it, but you’re not going to do anything, so you’re just wasting your time. The same thing happens. You’re in a marriage, let’s say, and it starts off that way. Right? You’re a young couple, and your wife starts flirting with you, she starts using this manipulative tactic consciously or subconsciously, you start doing things around the house, you’re watching the kids, she makes a compliment to you like, Wow, it’s so awesome that you, you took the kids and now I’m stress-free. Now I have time to be sexual with you, something along those lines? And then you get the blowjob, or then you get sex. So the theory here and that proposal tells you about then that progresses. Now she’s learned she can tantalize you with that. Do you think you might get sex, say it’s five years into the relationship or longer? And she says, Hey, could you move the boxes in the garage to what used to turn into hot sex because you’re helping her out? It doesn’t; it’s delayed; you need to do that three or four times. And then you get sex. And slowly what happens, Tim, is those timelines between what you get what you want, the sex, or the blow, whatever it is, goes further and further apart, and then hatred grows, etc. What’s happening here is you’re becoming a chump. You’re falling for the game. It’s like a mouse in a maze, trying to get the cheese, but the cheese keeps moving. So sometimes, the mouse hurries through the maze, and it’s trying to get through it. And it’s trying to get to the end to find the cheese, and the cheese is there for a while, each time the mouse goes through all the obstacles. Miss Second, another time the mouse goes, and there’s no cheese, and I say, Okay, I’ll try it again. The third time, the cheese tries it again, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth time, no cheese tries, the seven-time gets cheese, the cheese gets further and further apart when the mouse gets the reward. And this happens to a lot of people. A lot of guys, I know you’ve heard about this from guys in the movement. Tim, I want to know what you think about this process? And how often have you heard this from other men?

Tim Matthews  8:02  

How often have I heard this? I’ve had a lot. What used to work now doesn’t. But often, it’s come hand in hand, at least in my experience with some of the men with them settling within other areas of their lives. We spoke about releasing the brakes a couple of episodes ago. And the likelihood is if they are falling for this, they’ve got the brake on, 

Doug Holt  8:32  

No doubt.

Tim Matthews  8:32  

And they’ve got the break on in other areas of their life as well. Because also, once they released the Break, they wouldn’t accept that. I’m not saying they would go away and start cheating or anything, but have a conversation about the fact that, Hey, what’s going on? Essentially, that’s not necessarily how you do it, but then have a conversation about what was going on. And just again, as we spoke about in the last episode, create and set some boundaries. And to do that, that is, it’s a mindset. It’s almost like your identity. And again, back to the break analogy, if you are that sports car, and you realize you’re the sports car, and you realize, hang on a minute, I’ve got all this potential underneath the hood, as you Americans say it’s a botnet for the UK guys. I’ve got all this potential underneath here. And I could go out there, and I can enjoy those roads and kind of such a great drive. If we just released this Break, and when you realize what you are capable of, you realize that you are the sports car and don’t have to settle. And as a result, you then go out there and assert your authority in your own life and you. You take control of your health, take control of your business, and control other areas. By default, that will spill over into here because you’ll be, so it was such a contradiction for you to settle for this kind of arrangement or game. And this doesn’t mean you go out there and be some kind of chest-thumping alpha. You don’t have to start doing all that with bravado. That’s not how the guys that we work with arrive at that place. But yeah, you just, again, as I said this to your question a moment ago, this is the journey, the main tech fixes an escape the scam, instead, play a different game, again, that they have written the rules for. Again, it serves everybody, but again, they’re very much winning.

Doug Holt  10:55

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you; go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom right away. Now let’s get back to the show. 

Yeah, well, what happens for many of us guys is we’re naturally just nice guys. And I don’t mean we’re just good-hearted people, we want to help. And when you think about this, what can happen to some guys. As the sex dissipates or goes further and further at home, guys are starting to fantasize more, and they start fantasizing about other women, etc. And they think, okay, I’m the nice guy, which is kind of written in their head. And when I do start this subconsciously, when I do stuff at home, I get sex. So subconscious reward systems, we have reward systems for eating and other things as well. And they find themselves starting to do stuff for other women. Right? Other women start to utilize this. Oh, great, how could you come over to my house or my office and help me lift these heavy things? You’re such a strong roar. You can help me plow my driveway, and the guys were thinking. I’ll plow your driveway if I can plow you. And he might not say, and he goes over there. And he helps out his neighbor or helps out his quote, quote, friend while doing this all along. There’s a subconscious fantasy of what could happen, and most guys don’t act on it. Right? And sometimes what we’ve heard from men who have acted on it. It doesn’t go well. The women are like, Well, no, you’re just a friend, or you’re married, or I don’t think of you that way. 

Right? Going through it. It happens more often than not. Very rarely do we hear, and we talked to 1000s of men. Regularly. Do we hear about these guys that successfully go over to a woman’s house to help her with a chore or something? And they’re having just headbanging sex, and everything works out? Right? It always falls apart in our experience, one way or the other. So usually, the guy’s going over there being a quote, nice guy, just like he does with his wife. And subconsciously, he’s got this fantasy of when he goes over there; he’s going to help her out. She’s going to see how amazing it is, and she’s going to offer sex to him or come on to him. Then for most men, he’s now going to be in the position to turn it down. No, no, no, I’m married. I can’t do that. And he’s walking away. And there’s power in that. And a lot of guys like that. But they want the offering. It rarely happens. But that’s the fantasy. That’s the kind of cheese at the end of the maze, so to speak, is least to have that fantasy in the offering. So these guys become nice guys. And they find themselves doing this for many people helping out a lot of women in particular. And they’re doing this time and time again. So Tim, the analogy that I heard and I like this, have you ever seen the movie Shrek? Yes. Okay, so I’m going to guess most people have, and Shrek has Princess Fiona, right? 

She’s hot; he loves her; he wants her, and Princess Fiona is the one he’s willing to do stuff for. Shrek also has a donkey; donkey just wants to be with Shrek and donkey and makes all these requests of Shrek and stretch. It’s like no donkey, no donkey, over and over again like donkeys, the beast of burden. And Shrek doesn’t have it. So the analogy I heard, and I do like this, is you have to decide who in your life. Who is your Princess Fiona, and who are the donkeys because you don’t do things for the donkey. You do things for Princess Fiona. And the things you do for Princess Fiona, Princess Fiona, by the way, have sex with Shrek. That’s not because he does things, for he chooses to do them because he enjoys doing them. Right? They have a great relationship. But what most men and most nice guys learn is the women who aren’t their wives. Right? The women that aren’t in their committed relationships that aren’t just longtime, close friends are some; they become donkeys. Right? That sounds horrible out of context, but they become like donkeys. Right? Such a scenario. You got a girl from the gym, Tim; let’s just say this hypothetical. I don’t want to throw you under the bus. But hypothetically speaking, 

Tim Matthews  15:47

How did you know?

Doug Holt  15:49

That and she’s like, Hey, you know? Yeah, geez, Tim, you’re strong. Could you come over? and help me move these heavy boxes? Because I’m moving and everything. Your initial reaction might be like, Sure, I’ll come over. She’s hot. Like, yeah, I’ll come over to help remove the boxes. You got to remember, Okay, wait a minute. She’s not my Princess Fiona or Fiona. Right? She’s a donkey said, what? I don’t do that. Only do that for my partner, my wife; I don’t have the availability to do that. Good luck with that type of scenario. And this is where you apply this into your marriage, guys, if you get to set clear boundaries to Tim’s point and use this story to be like, hey, look, you’re my princess. Like we need to have, we need to talk about this, we got married. And part of our agreement, part of the understanding with marriage is that we fulfill each other’s needs, we’re not going to have sex with other people, therefore, ergo, we’re going to be having sex together. How do we get back to that? And that may require some tough discussions, guys, on this and may require some work on your part if you go back and look at how to increase your sexual market value. It’s a podcast that we did look at one and get some answers from there. But what you don’t want to do is be the chump in a situation running through the maze chasing the cheese. And especially when that cheese gets moved, often or becomes less frequent a reward for you.

Tim Matthews  17:16

Yeah, no way, you just end up becoming desperate and needy. And this does come to a point earlier we spoke about this previously, when you live from the outside in you’ve got business, imagine a triangle, a pyramid, split into five layers, those five layers of the five territories, when you live from the outside in the base is business, the main focus is business. Above that is wealth bullseyes relationship relationships. And for most guys, it doesn’t arise as far as the relationship because they’re too exhausted from spreading it. An all-around business that doesn’t rise fine above relationships is health doesn’t go there. And above that self, when you live from the outside in, and you start to sacrifice yourself and you become burnt out, and you become exhausted, and you find yourself in this game, you have no energy to play, but you don’t even realize what’s going on. So you end up playing it just in the hope of getting some cheese. To have the conversation Doug just mentioned a moment ago, one of the ways it’s going to fuel you and, by default, increase your sexual market value is to go from the outside into the inside out and flip that triangle on its head. The Alpha Rise & Shine routine is one of the pillars to sell, which becomes the base of the pyramid, and then it becomes a health and then relationships and water business. From that place. It makes it much easier to enter into conversations like you just said, Doug, from a place of groundedness and certainty, and he cannot balance between taking a stand for what you want. While also I’ve been very loving with it as well. Whereas if you try and have this conversation from the outside in because you’re exhausted and reactive and angry and the five agonies, chances are it’s not going to come from the right place and is going to have the best intention. But it’s not going to come across in the best way. This means the game is going to continue, probably to get a little bit worse here.

Doug Holt 19:20

Absolutely. And it’s a slippery slope that many men, as I said, fall into, like genuinely nice guys wind to help out. And, and as I said, I don’t blame the women at all. I just don’t. It’s something that I think just naturally gets taught or comes to them during this time. It’s not that they’re deliberately doing it. Men have men or bell-shaped curves; men are stronger. But women also our throwdown or our backlog is 1000s upon 1000s of years of evolution for us wanting to procreate and have sex. So you look at it from that analytical standpoint, but you have to set your boundaries. You have to be firm in who you are. Right? And that’s the hardest question for most men to figure out is Who am I? Right? Who am I, as a man, with the label of a father and a husband now with the label of a businessman, but who are you, staying and doing things from that perspective? And what you will tolerate in your standards changes the game. And you don’t be a dick about it. You just have a good conversation, figure out what you want to be. And that allows you to jump from the jump-off spot. 

That’s what we talked about in The Activation Method. We have the triadic connection, Hidden Motives Technique, Live Like A King system, Clean Slate Method to help these guys give them tools. But we shift the balance right there, and we shift the balance of experiences. And that’s how men can do a 180 in a relationship in a matter of weeks. Not all of them. Right? Some of them take longer, but many many shift right away. Gentlemen, don’t be the chump, then I’ve been there where I’ve been the nice guy, there’s no doubt about it, falling into that trap, myself unknowingly because I am a nice person. But don’t be the chump who chases the cheese. That’s just not going to get you the result you want. It’s just going to result in you, as Tim said, she’s just going to be needy, you’re needy, you’re coming from that space. And that’s just not sexy. You want to fall into that area. So, gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man show. As always, if you’re a listener, you’ve been listening to us for a while. I’d greatly appreciate it if you just leave a review wherever you find us, just so other men like you can find out more about The Powerful Man show in the movement that we call the power man. Until then, gentlemen, take action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show. 

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