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You’re Trying Too Hard

Episode #616

How do you know if you’re too needy in a relationship?

Are you frustrated if your expectations are not met?

Stop expecting something in return from your partner because you don’t have a transactional relationship. Start creating a strong connection with pure intentions.

In this episode, we’re sharing how to break the cycle of rejection in the relationship and what you can do to build emotional intimacy with your partner.

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Doug: What’s happening, guys? Welcome back to another episode. Once again, I got Ryan Peach back. This is gonna be a shorter one. Ryan and I got so fired up in the last episode. If you’re not familiar with who Ryan is, first of all, you gotta put your head in the sand. Second, go back and listen to the previous episode, I gave a little breakdown. But Ryan brought up a really good point when we got offline. I said, hey, I got an extra 10 minutes or so, I think the guys will really get some benefit out of this. So, Ryan, I’ll let you throw the topic to the table, sir.

Ryan: Yeah, so again, getting to talk to thousands of guys, you hear patterns and themes over time. And one of the patterns- like I said last episode, there are very few lazy men out there. They are really trying, the guys come to me all the time and they say, you know, I’m doing the dishes, and I’m given the compliments, and I’ve read the 25 nice things to do to your wife, and I’m doing 26 of them, and she just does not give me anything back. There’s no sex, no love, no this and that. And as I dig in, what I see for a lot of guys is, they’re doing that not because they are really trying to love on their wife, but because they’re trying to get something from her that they need, that validation or that respect, or the sex, or whatever it may be. And, guys, again, if I ever get the pleasure of speaking to you, I can dive further into it.

But since women are so in tune emotionally, I get your logic of doing those things, but she feels and sees the emotion and the intention behind why you’re doing what you’re doing. So, if you’re doing it for the wrong reason, it actually counts against you instead of for you. And so, honestly, like, if you’re going to be doing things for that reason, then just don’t do them at all. And listen, I’m guilty of it. I have caught myself- my wife is very wise to my flowers, and the notes, and this and that. And she’ll just be like, stop. I don’t feel your intention behind this. And I think that a lot of guys get stuck in this pattern of trying to be the good dog or the good boy, or do the right thing to get the reward, and it ends up leaving them feeling neglected and disrespected, and not valued.

Doug Holt: Oh, 100%. How often do we think with the intent of just connecting with our wives, or maybe getting laid, having sex, intercourse, whatever you want to say, right? We decide, okay, you know what? I’m going to make her happy. I’m going to make her feel good. I always joke around about cleaning the house. So, I’m gonna bring home flowers. But your intent is an expectation. And what this gets into is, you get into what’s called a transactional relationship. In business, that’s great, right? Hey, look, I give you money, you give me service, right? Or I give you this, you give me a product. We have an agreed upon transaction, you and your wife don’t.

One is, you don’t want to be in business with your wife, so to speak, in the relationship portion. You want to be in a situation where you’re giving your wife flowers because you love your wife, and you want her to have flowers, no expectations. When we get into this transactional relationship, we forget as men that there’s no agreement. So, Ryan and I might have an agreement, Ryan might say, Hey, Doug, I’ll give you 100 bucks, you clean my car. Cool. Ryan gives me $100, I clean his car. Transactional, right? Here’s the deal. Do you and your wife have a transactional agreement that if you do the dishes, you get a blow job? Probably not. So, when you’re doing the dishes expecting a blow job, right, that sets her up for this energetic resentment and sets you up for disappointment, because now you have a transaction that you had in your head that’s not met or agreed upon, therefore you feel dejected.

You feel like something’s not being met and you get upset at her, whether you do it outwardly or not. She can feel that you’re doing it because you’re expecting something that she didn’t agree upon. So, she’s going to resent you for that. And that’s really it. You couple that with a needy energy, and that’s where a lot of men get in trouble.

Ryan: And it creates two big things that I see for men- you get done doing the dishes, whatever it may be, you flip around, right? And you are looking for your wife, right? There’s the smile, there’s the hug, there’s the appreciation, she is on her knees ready to go. And women are such good readers of nonverbal communication and all of that. So, because your energy is so needy, and strong and forceful, it forces her to pull back. Now, you may have a wife that really loves you and values the sanctity of marriage, and for the kids, she may do the thing that you want her to do. But that’s going to feel like a transaction.

Doug: Yep.

Ryan: Right. I talk to guys all the time. Oh, we have sex about once a month. Okay, but is it like that headbanging, pulling each other’s hair? No, it kind of feels like she’s checking something off of her to-do list? She is. And that’s because of the years or months of intention of, I’m doing something to get something – you’ve created a transactional relationship. And so then what that creates for men is exactly what you said – whether they get it or not, since you had an expectation, all it is is that the expectation has been met. Right? You know, for Christmas, you expect to get presents? You feel good, it’s great. You know, that’s awesome. But you know, what you really love is that unexpected gift that comes in the mail on a Tuesday, just because it’s Tuesday. It’s like, man, this was such a gift. I didn’t do anything to earn it. I didn’t expect it. It’s not Christmas, it’s not my birthday, somebody just valued me enough to think of me randomly and do this thing.

And so when the expectation is met of the sex, or intimacy, connection, whatever it may be for you, that may fill your cup for a moment, but then it immediately depletes, and you’re right back to being needy again. And so, there’s this constant cycle of rejection, doing something to get what you need, maybe getting it, maybe not, but not filling your cup up, and then creating resentment. And so, you live in this cycle, all the while your wife is feeling that she’s- I mean, worst case scenario for her, she’s having sex with a business partner, just to keep the business open.

Doug Holt: Yeah, you know, it’s interesting, as I was talking to a guy that I’m working with one-on-one who’s gone through our program, and the reason he ended the program is, he was having sex regularly with his wife, right, but he was telling me she was doing it out of her religious duty. And he was like, I would rather just go masturbate, because I felt so dejected. I felt like she didn’t want to be there, you know, and you got to deal with the aftermath of that emotion, and it would trigger him too. And so, it just wasn’t even as good. Like, he loves his wife. He thinks his wife is the hottest woman in the world. All of these things. This guy’s a good looking guy, very successful. But there was no connection.

And what most men forget, is we as men – I don’t know about you, but for me, just talking about myself – I feel more connected to my wife after sex. Most men feel connection after sex. Here’s the catch. Women need connection to have sex. And when I say sex, I don’t mean just that. But like intimacy, connected sex, where they’re opening themselves up to you. And as a man, that’s what we want, right? We want our wife to want us too. Women want to be desired, but so do we. We want her to want to be there. We want her to have fun while we’re having sex. Right? We want all of those things. We want to be able to pleasure a woman and fulfill her needs too. And when your wife does it out of obligation, I gotta imagine as a man that makes you feel just so small, an inch tall, so to speak.

Ryan: Yeah, like guys- I mean, most men again, I can speak for me and just from the thousands of guys that I’ve talked to- I’ve had one guy that’s the exception. Literally one guy I could think of as the exception. But most men don’t want to go to a prostitute. They understand the transaction, right? I am giving you something to get what I need right now, in this moment. I know it’s not going to be fulfilling forever, I know I’m gonna have to come back to the tank. I know you don’t really want to be here, you just want my money. It’s a very empty relationship. But it kind of fills your cup for a second, right? But there’s no deep, long-lasting connection.

When guys get into these transactional relationships with your wife, that’s basically what you’re creating. I’m going to give you clean dishes, clean house, the vacation, the Louis Vuitton bag, the kids picked up, I’m going to give you these things. And in return, I expect to be paid in full for what I need. And it leaves you feeling empty. And you’re exactly right. I did some intimacy work with my wife last year. And man, one of the most beautiful things that came out of that was, we actually did a 60-day sex ban, like no sex for 60 days. And as a guy, I’m like, What the? Like, no, how about 60 straight days of sex? Let’s do that.

And, and it was interesting, I was like, I’m gonna hate this, this is gonna be terrible. And in that, what we created was a specific time to lay in bed together and talk. Just talk, but like, deep conversation, right? Not just like, how’s your day, but like, how are you? What’s going on for you? What do I need from you? What do you need from me? What’s going on? Where are we really? And as I went through that, I started talking to my wife, I was like, it’s weird, but my desire to have sex as often has kind of dissipated. But my desire for you is more. And I was like, does that make sense? And she was like, that totally makes sense. I was just like, I don’t need to have sex with you to be connected with you anymore. I am just connected with you, and when I get to have sex with you, man, that’s just the cherry on top. And that’s what I think men miss. When that connection is broken, we go, and we’re trying to plug into the system, and we’re just trying to get those quick hits, of, you know, sex, having an orgasm, and all the endorphins and everything that go off, versus doing the deep work of really getting into, like, honey, who are you now? Where are you now? What’s going on with you? Let me tell you what’s going on with me. Not all of this is going to feel good. It’s going to be difficult. This isn’t just a ‘let me tell you how awesome you are’. It’s a ‘let me tell you what I need from my partner.’ And those deep-level conversations create that intimacy, and actually build a relationship rather than creating a transaction that you have to continually go back to the well to get.

Doug: Yeah, I mean, that’s what transactions are right? There’s no depth to them. The bank runs dry quickly. You said something else. You said a lot of things, Ryan, that were great there. And one thing that was brought to my attention, I was talking to a gentleman, and he had gone through the program with us. And we’re having a conversation. He’s like, you know, my wife and I married, she was like this. He started telling me the story about his wife. And it was evident to me that the story about his wife when they got married was still how he saw her today. And I was like, dude, how long have you been married? About 20 years. Have you changed in 20 years? He was like, Oh, my God. the last 10 weeks or so since I’ve been involved in TPM, my whole life has changed. And he started going off on these things. I’m like, Whoa, hold on.

That’s amazing. That’s great that you’ve regained your power, your business is doing better, your relationships is better, I love it. And if you stop for a second to realize your wife has changed, too. Right? Who is she now? What books is your wife reading? Right? What TV shows does she watch? Who’s she talking to? Who’s her best friend? And what’s her best friend’s problems? Like, what are the conversations she’s in? What shows and podcasts? What are her dreams? Where does she want to travel? And I was just saying these things just rapidly to this guy. You can just see his face all changed, like, Oh, my God.

Then I asked one more question, Ryan. He got married at 22. I asked him, Hey, would you let the 22-year-old version of yourself run your business, your marriage, or parent your kids? He was like, heck no. Imagine your wife has changed from that version – I think his wife was 19 when they married – the 19-year-old version of her. Her hopes, her dreams and all the things that she’s wanted have probably changed dramatically. And as you guys went through and did life together, those conversations got put by the wayside, because you got busy. You started a business, you grew the business and you became successful. She raised the kids. Talks about swim lessons, soccer games, practice, logistics came into the mix, and you forgot to redate each other and figure out who you are.

Ryan: 100%.

Doug: So Ryan, thanks for jumping on again. These conversations with you, I feel like we can have these all day long. I always enjoy it. Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed this as well. Ryan’s been on the show a number of times, and every time he drops gold. If you want to go to thepowerfulman.com, go to the podcast page and just search for Ryan Peach. I can guarantee you that you will hear gold. Ryan, I’d love to have you back on again, my friend. Thanks for taking the extra time to do this one as well.

Ryan: Of course, my brother. Anytime. I will see you soon.

Doug: You got it, man. Gentlemen, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action.