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Woman’s POV: Filling Your Cup Differently-Understanding the Gender Gap

Episode #810

Are you curious about the nuances between how men and women recharge and connect with their energies? Dive into a refreshing exploration of gender differences and the paths to revitalization in our latest episode of the TPM show.

In this episode, we’re joined by special guest Erin, who shares insights from a woman’s perspective on the unique ways women fill their cup and embrace their femininity. Discover the profound differences in how men and women experience and manage their energies, and how understanding these distinctions can profoundly affect relationships.

Erin elaborates on the role of supportive environments, the importance of alone time, and practical strategies men can employ to help the women in their lives thrive. From the significance of physical touch and emotional presence to the influence of hormonal cycles, this discussion unveils essential techniques for nurturing connection and well-being.

Whether you’re looking to deepen your relationship or simply expand your understanding of gender-specific needs, this episode offers valuable lessons in empathy, support, and love. Tune in to learn how you can better support the women in your life to reconnect with their true selves and enhance their overall happiness.

Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

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Doug Holt  0:00  

What you’re saying is, for women to be more rested, and to allow themselves to dip into their femininity, it creates space for them.

Erin Holt  0:08  

And I remember saying to you, I was like, Oh my gosh, every time I do yoga, I just feel so hearty after because when a woman connects to herself to her body, as we come back into ourselves instead of out here, another big thing you guys can do for the partnership of bringing out the feminine in your woman is supporting her being around people that fill her up, people are really positive in her life because they’re gonna bring out aspects of her that you can’t but like to be genuinely deeply desired, wanted by our man is the juice for a soul. It like brings us to our femininity.

Doug Holt  0:50  

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. And I am excited once again, to be joined by my beautiful wife, Erin, Erin, thanks for being here. Thank you, guys. I’m really excited today because we had a lot of the men who are in the FB Community ask questions from a woman’s perspective. And today during the show, we’re gonna break down one of those. And the question that guys wanted to know is, you know, how is it different between a man and a woman to get their cup filled? And what do I mean by a cup being filled? I know you know this. But for the men listening to this, how do you fill yourself up? So you feel grounded, you feel energetic, you feel alive, you feel the passion within you all the good feels? What is the difference between men and women?

Erin Holt  1:36  

It’s a super good question. And it is different, I think, what we mean most helpful, is to explain a little bit about the way men and women are different in a place of being able to support your partner and hopefully bring out the best in each other sort of the worst. Because just knowing our differences, knowledge is power. Sometimes we treat a partner like they’re the same sex of us and want a different reaction from them. But knowing that we are way more different than we are similar, and respecting those differences, instead of fighting them. So I did write some notes down to help just so don’t have to memorize everything. Just basic things like where we are different are I know you guys teach a lot of this, but the way our estrogen brain and a testosterone or testosterone brain work is like you guys are linear focus, single focus. And that’s really a beautiful thing. And with women, we are like just really analogy, like there are always, always, always so many tabs open. And it allows us to do many things at once very, very, very easily. And at the end of the day, it can be really taxing. And also a lot of the women I coach and I know myself at least are starting to come back to more of our femininity, like really, really hungry for it and almost have to relearn how to do that for ourselves. I know I have. And it can be really exhausting for us to constantly be in our masculine energy, we can do it. We’re super, super, super adaptable. 

That’s one of the things about the feminine, is we can adapt to scenarios, situations relationships, and fill in what’s needed and read it and be that really great. And also one of the things that can make us basically disappear. Where I have heard a lot of women just be like I have lost myself in this job. I have lost myself in motherhood, you don’t hear men saying I lost myself like we can literally disappear because we are so adaptable. Also, one of our greatest assets is that we’re so adaptable. So you know we always have like a shadow side to everything that can be light, but in some ways that are really really really beneficial. Where a woman can know about herself and that man in a partnership of way you can support your woman coming back into her femininity. And these are just things that are going to work and you might have to tweak them for your her or yourself or your household how they all work. But they will help her come back into her body out of her head. femininity is like we live here embodied in we can dive more and listen to another podcast but our feelings are like another organ that lives right here. So like when we can feel our feelings and slow down. That is going to help us get into our femininity. When we are rushing and deadlines and running around all over the place. We cannot be in our femininity we are for sure in our masculine to produce the result to do do do go go go I can just feel the change even in my body. totally capable. Hurry up. We

Doug Holt  4:50  

got dinner. Yeah. I’m gonna be late.

Erin Holt  4:54  

Yeah, exactly. So some tried and true ways that you can support your women because they know All men are also really craving more femininity from their women. You guys need it. Absolutely. And you guys desire it.

Doug Holt  5:07  

I was just, I was just on a call. And I think we had about 15 men on this particular call. Most of the guys were shaking their heads and one guy said, Yeah, my wife is extremely masculine, she’s extremely Alpha. And then I asked the guy like, basically, hey, you know, this is a common question, I’ll ask him, has she always been that way? Well, no. Well, she’s had to get into that zone. Right. And she’s had to force herself to be it’s not her natural state.

Erin Holt  5:35  

We know we can totally do it. It’s exhausting. But it’s might

Doug Holt  5:38  

be my natural state. It’s not where she wants to be.

Erin Holt  5:42  

Yeah, and it has nothing to do with capabilities or abilities. Yep, this is about being in the feminine energy more and how good it feels like we also want our culture kind of taught to be masculinized. That’s a whole nother conversation. But it’s not like anybody’s fault here, per se, this is just a toolkit you can use to help your woman get back into her femininity. So some things that are really going to help her in a really, really, really important is sleep. And that’s continuous sleep. So this is going to help her connect her femininity. This is the big one that is going to connect her to his sexuality.

Doug Holt  6:18  

This is ironic, because last night, neither of us got good sleep, we were out last night, having a good time, we did not get a date night, and was fun. And, you know, focusing on sleep, men hear this too, they should always focus everybody should focus on sleep, but we’re saying is for women to be more rested, and to allow themselves to dip into their femininity, it creates space for them, okay, space

Erin Holt  6:39  

for their femininity, and their sexuality. Yep, connection to their sexuality, sleep. And movement exercise. This will look different with every woman and also can look different during different times of the month if she’s still cycling. For example,, right around before my period comes, I want like more mellow, like Pilates yoga walks, I’ve learned to work with my cycle instead of against it, that’s another way she can tap into her femininity. And then, you know, the first few days of the period, kind of similar thing and a lot more rest, just a lot slower. PACE is desired. And then after that comes like a surge of different hormones and energy and like I want to lift heavy and I really enjoy that. And harder workouts and all those types of things. So any type of movement, dance, walk yoga, will connect her to her femininity, and her sexuality as well. And I was thinking about this. This is when you and I still lived in Santa Barbara, pre-kids and all the thing. You know, we thought we were busy then. But I would take some time out to go to one of my favorite yoga places to take a yoga class. And I remember saying to you, I was like, Oh my gosh, every time I do yoga, I just feel so horny after. And he didn’t know this then but it’s like, because when a woman connects to herself to her body, like we come back into ourselves instead of out here. This is where we live if we can be embodied inside of us. Another one is being truly heard by you. Like her man, being heard by other people feels great, but being heard by her man, her protector who provider. It just gives her the space. I know you guys sometimes teach the empty the various things are but like genuinely listening to what’s going on in her world. So she can empty out to have space to come back to her femininity. It’s a really big one. Jump

Doug Holt  8:34  

in there real quick. And so one of the things this is for the guys is we talked we teach the men The Activation Method, which is our flagship program The Activation Method for relationships. And it’s really like learning another language guys, I was talking to the men on this call. And one guy said, Geez, you know, I picked it up right away. I go, Oh, do you speak Japanese? He goes, Well, no, I go. How would you have to speak Japanese? How would you learn why practice practice? You have to learn new skills and new ways is the guys have been listening to this podcast for a while. We talked about the emptying the berries, which you alluded to. We also talked about a thing that we teach called The Hidden Motives Technique. It’s part of the triad of connection. So guys listening to this, what Aaron is saying to you is how important it is for a wife to feel heard. What most men are gonna think is, let me regurgitate the words that you said. And I remember when you and I were going through our rough times, you’d be like, You’re not listening. I’m like, I’m listening. I can repeat exactly what you just said. Here’s a word for word what you said. You’re like, No, but you’re not listening. What do you mean, I’m not listening? You’re freaking crazy, you know, and I would get frustrated, you would get frustrated and that would create distance. What you’re saying is not only to be heard, to be heard, but to be understood on a deep level. So connection can happen. Yes, right. So I’m just again, I know you all you know, all this stuff. As do I, I want to make sure the men listening to this. These are new concepts for that. Hmm, and so that they have that. So this is perfect, okay, for putting this together, you’re welcome.

Erin Holt  10:06  

Your touch and your affection have a very, very, very big impact on us and our femininity and grounding us. So I remember how I mentioned that, our tabs are always open. Yep, so many things going on. Even if we you see us and we literally look like we might be sitting at the counter, I guarantee you there is the tab for 100 things open, she’s not doing nothing. So if you want to be one of the biggest presents in her in her world, in her energy, touch, your affection will ground her and it also feels good, like touching her lower back. That’s usually a space reserved for a lower back upper. Asked area like your man like my friends not gonna touch me there. Right? And I say to you, yeah, I say to you all the time. Don’t touch me anyway, like nobody else can. Yes. And it’s like that is why can return your woman to our femininity, or at least ground her to be like, Oh, hi. And you can have her more of her undivided attention. With her diffused awareness. There are always, always a lot of tabs open. Yeah, what are you going to say?

Doug Holt  11:18  

No, yeah, I always think about how to bring this back to the guys can get it from that point. Vitus

Erin Holt  11:23  

in Polish. And like,

Doug Holt  11:26  

I know, yeah, we’ve had this conversation many times. And I’m thinking of a guy driving a car or running on the treadmill listening to this right now is trying to Okay, touch. Right. But so the touch you’re talking about is again last night, we went out with two other couples to a chef’s dinner, it was great. I may give one of our female friends a hug, hey, goodbye. But I’m not going to put my hand on the small of her back and escort her through the door as she’s going through that it’d be creepy. And it’d be weird. And you’d kill me. Right? So that’s what I’m getting the guys that’s the touch you can do for your wife. But as far as grounded touch, it could be as simple as coming over and putting a hand on their shoulder when the ground or giving her a hug, to ground her and to anchor her. Yeah. And if your relationship is good enough, pull her in. Some guys aren’t quite there yet. So they need to start with that grounded touch or even just grab her arm gently look into her eyes and talk to her. Yep. But constantly grounding her energy.

Erin Holt  12:27  

Yes, yep. Yep. Here’s a huge one. And this is just I know, you guys need to be desired as well. We all do. I just saying that the impact it will have on a woman is going to help her bring her into her femininity, like it has a huge impact on her being able to go into her femininity being desired by her man. Yes, it’s totally nice for all of us to know, like, oh, we know that that person is looking at us or checking me out. Like it’s this kind of like, great, that’s a little ego boost. But like to be genuinely deeply desired and wanted by our man is juice for a soul. It like brings us to our femininity. And it’s it’s just, it just is it’s just deeply, deeply important. Love him. Yeah. Another thing to return us to us is alone time in some space. And also like, not taking that personally, as the partner perfect. And also knowing her knowing that about herself. Like I’ve always known, since I was a little girl, I’m somebody who needs to have alone time. Well, now I have the language to return to me to return to my femininity. But it can just be a really big gift, like the person you’re gonna get back as somebody who has had some time for an outbreak had some time to not have be around other people’s energy and needs and discount Tune into her for a minute and has nothing to do with you know, something’s wrong or anything. It’s actually just a really big gift to come back inside.

Doug Holt  13:57  

Yeah. You know, I got a call from a guy that I worked with one one-on-one yesterday. And his wife said I need some space. And so he called me with a regularly scheduled call. And he’s like, Well, I’m just gonna take off for two days. I’m gonna leave. They’re on vacation, by the way. And I said, No, no, that’s not what she’s probably saying. I go, do you want to leave? He said, No, I go well, then don’t. You can give her space you can stay in she could leave one or two and try something different. And I’m not going to go in we had a long conversation with him. But the end result and I got a picture today from him of his wife just saying how much she loves and appreciates him and how much, she feels understood. What he did instead is he took his kids out, booked her massage, and left her in the hotel by herself so she could have some time to decompress and unwind. And that’s all she needed. She didn’t need him to run away for two days and leave physically the space. She just needed a space to recharge. Yes.

Erin Holt  14:58  

Jokes. I get it now that I’m a mother I have two young children. But I remember sometimes going over to friend’s houses. This is when I was older, probably enough to even be aware of this. I don’t know, maybe somewhere between like 12 ish or something. But sometimes, like, people’s moms would be like, I just need to go sit in my room. And like, they would just go sit down the room and like stare or lay in the bed. And I do that now. I literally just go lay and stare at the ceiling. And Doug’s like, what are you doing? I’m like, nothing. Like, I just need space. Yeah, excellent. Yeah, that’s really important. Um, another big thing you guys can do for the partnership of bringing out the feminine in your woman is supporting her being around people that fill her up, people are really positive in her life, because they’re gonna bring out aspects of her that you can’t. And that’s a really good thing. We’re not meant to be our partners, everything and only things. So whether that’s friends, family, mentors, whatever it is, but really encouraged that and like, look, I don’t know anybody that’s not busy these days. Schedules galore. So it takes effort. Yes, but and it’s really important that she gets to spend time with people that fill fill, fill her cup. Yeah, absolutely. As it is everyone but this one’s gonna make you laugh, Doug. Time to putter. We were just recently in Hawaii on a family vacation and I was with the kids and Doug was back at the condo where we’re staying and I was getting him ice cream and treats and all the things and I said hey, are you cough we I bring him back. 

We do switch. You have the kids and I come back to this shopping area. So I have time to putter and Doug kind of forgot it. He’s like What the f is putter? I was like it’s what the feminine needs. So it’s what it is. It’s it’s just space, spaciousness. If you’re not getting it. It’s femininity to putter in. Sometimes it’s out of the house. Walk in the shops, notice beautiful things, candles, shirts without the pressure of time or without the pressure of OH my gosh, he’s waiting for me. He must be bored outside. I can’t do this. I can’t fully enjoy it because I know he doesn’t want to be shopping the law. Or beautiful thing too is time to put her alone at home. We put her at home will beautify our space. We’ll move something around. Every time dog leaves I Potter. Something’s different when it comes back. So awesome. It’s unlimited. Basically, unlimited diffused awareness. There’s nobody pressuring us to do something or be something or have a deadline. Yeah,

Doug Holt  17:32  

I think when I hear putter I feel like we’re at its core. It’s not used that much. But I know you met but you’d be just like to do whatever you want. How you want dilly dally, dilly dally, sure. Whatever just putters, no word of you still no, no.

Erin Holt  17:48  

This one can be. It can be tricky timelessness. And you kind of made a joke about it right at the beginning. Like if we’re gonna go on the date, like, hurry up, we’re out the door in two minutes. I immediately have to go to my masculine to produce that result to make it happen. Yep. So it’s kind of this interesting walk of figuring out like, not rushing her or giving her a deadline, if you want your feminine woman on the date with you. And just know like it, we like to beautify. We like to take time to do things. Whether I don’t some women wear makeup, some don’t some, you know, sometimes, you know, we need to try on three or four different outfits because we just feel different in it that day, it all comes down to how we feel. Yeah, and femininity, it’s feminine is a connection to the eternal, like a connection to the spaciousness, and it just is for us. Like we’re very connected, whatever you want to call it. God’s Spirit universe, like we it’s here in us. So when we’re up here and disconnected from that or disconnected from ourselves.

Doug Holt  18:55  

Yeah, you knew and I think what’s good about our marriage, a lot of things, but our personalities is you and I are both early is on time type. Yes. So it’s like a lot so but I want to give the guys because this is a question a lot of guys are gonna have. Okay, so last night, we went to the chef’s dinner was awesome. And it started at 5 pm Yes. So you and I are there of course at 450 but so guys are going hey, I want to take my wife out and I want to do a chef’s dinner and it starts at 5 pm or whatever. How do I what the guys are going to do is going to tell her wife 430 Right? So what are some strategies that a man can use practical things a guy can use to help his wife be in her femininity and help them be on time someplace?

Erin Holt  19:46  

Well, it does depend a little bit on personality like you mentioned I’m I just have the East Coast send me like we on time when you get there early is when you get there actually. So um, I know for me and most women, it’s just having the space To get ready is a big thing that’s gonna help. So like I knew when we had to leave last night, so like, I guess there is a deadline, but you weren’t breathing down my neck like Hurry up, hurry up, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. That is not fun for anyone or any woman. And sometimes, as I get it with little kids or big kids and schedules, it’s hard to have the amount of time that would actually let us fully decompress. But like, like, I know, for me like things that I do is like, when I’m in the shower, like I really focus on okay, like I’m transitioning now like being present being where my feet are taking deeper breaths, like, intentionally moving more slowly, like slowing myself down. Even if I only have 20 minutes, I did the same thing this morning, I had kids, I had dropped off the tough drop-offs, all the things to get here. In time, yeah, I knew I would have the best version of myself if I let Doug go on saying I might be a little bit late. But I also give myself time to take a shower. Like, be in my body, instead of just running around like a chaotic, out of control. I like acting like I’m not responsible for my energy or my frequency. Like, it’s, it’s a responsibility to be like, come back into your body. And we all know what it feels like. I don’t know what it feels like to be a man, but to be a woman and run around feeling like a chicken with your head cut off, like you’re just so disconnected from yourself, there’s no room for the femininity, so space and time, and intentionally using that time. Whether it’s 20 minutes or an hour to come back to you. So I love that

Doug Holt  21:34  

is you and I don’t have an issue with this, which is great. You know, like you want to start getting ready at 330 or whatever. You know, you do you know how much time you need, and we communicate. So can the guys at this point? Like I know kind of have the answer. But let’s play along. Would it be helpful for them to say, Hey, babe, we’re gonna have dinner reservations at 5pm? It’s 330. Now, why don’t? Why don’t you go ahead and go start getting ready? I’ll take care of the kids at Tim’s have the kids had dinner? That’d be awesome. Absolutely. And so for the guys, when I’m breaking down here what you want to do is take the tabs as you’re talking about the things that your wife is getting worried about, yes, and just tick tick them off her plate. Or she could start doing a reminder lovingly about the time when you’re leaving and why. And give her that space and know how long like I know how long it takes you to get ready, on average, sometimes are more special occasions than others, etc. And so you can encourage your partner to start getting ready at that time.

Erin Holt  22:38  

Just randomly popped my head. So I’m gonna share it, I would say for about 95% of women if not 100. But the closer she is to her period, if she’s still psyching cycling, the harder it is for her to get ready. Hormones are very powerful. I think they’re the most powerful thing on the planet. They are very different those five, or six days right before her body literally is different. More bloat, more water retention, things are tighter, and it is harder for a woman to get ready closer to her period. So just know that she’s more.

Doug Holt  23:11  

That’s another pro tip though, too, is a lot. So you track your period, and your cycle very much on an app. Yeah. And I track your period on that same app, you share it with me. So for guys out there, if your wife is using an app, first of all, just ask her. If she’s using one, ask her if she’s willing to share it, because I think probably most of those apps enter the woman image, yeah, allow you to share the cycle with your partner. And it gives me funny anecdotes, super

Erin Holt  23:37  

funny. The one I use is called Stardust. It’s really what I’ve used a lot. I think this is one of the best ones. And yeah, yeah,

Doug Holt  23:43  

it talks to me like a guy. Right? It talks to you like you’ll get a message that’s a little bit more feminine and funny. Yeah, and light. And I’ll get a different message about what you could be going through. That’s a little bit more guy talk, if you will, a little more snarky, which I like.

Erin Holt  23:59  

Yeah, and this is a lot of things. It’s so interesting. I have learned myself as an adult, that we are not taught differences and what changes happened during our cycles as teenagers. It’s so not talked about. So I teach all my clients this and so many of them have no idea. So this could be a whole other topic. I go into this with all my female clients about the cycles and the hormones and how we’re different literally each week and half the population has a parent. Yeah, so it’s a really big deal with people who have daughters and partners and mothers.

Doug Holt  24:35  

I agree and I commend you because you’ve dove deep into it. And both of us have backgrounds with a lot of anatomy and physiology Davar dissections and in college and university and then never talked about I mean you talk about it like oh women have a menstrual cycle and that

Erin Holt  24:53  

babies are born and the

Doug Holt  24:54  

jokes are made about it of course and etc, etc. And it’s okay in my opinion to joke about things but also to joke about them and get educated. Yes, right. I’m a believer that you can joke about anything. Not everybody is, I get that. But this is all something you get to educate yourself. And you’ve really for a couple of years, dove deep and down the rabbit hole, so to speak, and really learn and educate yourself on the science but also some of the mythology or what have you of the cycles. Yeah,

Erin Holt  25:27  

but how it can how we can use it to connect ourselves to our feminine because really, we’re pretty much taught what a pain in the ass it is, how terrible it is, habitually can be like, right before it’s all negative conversations, I don’t remember one positive feeling about you or conversation about it. And it’s really kind of tragic because it happens for a huge percentage of our lives. It’s how life is here. It’s natural. And it’s it is but it’s not talked about in a way that’s positive. So agreed for myself to like to rewire myself, and understand the power of it and how to operate in my life. As I mentioned earlier, now, you know, I was a strength coach, Doug and I ran our gym together with owner, Jim linic. I didn’t even know this then but I like to do workouts that are in alignment with where I am in my cycle. Like, the difference right? There is between night and day. So yeah, that’s a whole nother thing. Oh,

Doug Holt  26:23  

I want to clarify something real quick. Not mythology, but spirituality. Yes, like, well, it’s different. That’s a different work again, didn’t sleep well.

Erin Holt  26:33  

And then one of the last things to help return just so that you know, it’s like, this is kind of like it’s kind of funny. What’s funny about it is like, if woman if we see a woman kind of redating or sparkling, like, we know, she is thinking about her man thinking about what just happened between them like it is because of him. It’s not because of us. Like when we are deeply connected to our man and like you guys make a sparkle radiate, it’s really a special thing

Doug Holt  27:04  

must be radiating.

Erin Holt  27:08  

So yeah, those are just some really some really, really, really helpful tips that you can use to support your woman being in her feminine niche. She might not even know some of these because we’re, again, pretty disconnected from it. It’s becoming back around in our culture. But I did a masterclass inside one of the groups. I don’t know where that’s stored or put. But I went very much more thorough into the differences between men and women and how the angle is how you can be in partnership with your woman and support her but in knowing these differences and bringing out the best in her instead of the worst. Yeah,

Doug Holt  27:42  

thank you for doing that. That guy loved that. So that is just to clarify what you just said. That masterclass you did is available for men that are in our program called The Brotherhood, the inner circle, or on one coaching. There are those three programs, those guys have access to them on our private membership site. Which is great, great. This is awesome. Because every time you know, I know these but every time you bring these up or you teach I hear you teaching men or women about a lot of these things, sometimes women forget right? How do I get out of this exactly? Reminds me of all the things like okay, am I doing that? No. Oh, shoot, I can do that one better. Ooh, cheese. I stopped doing that. So it’s really helpful for me. And I gotta imagine, for a lot of guys, again, they’re learning Japanese for the first time. They’ve never heard this at all. And I get it guys like this. It’s a foreign language. Guys are out there conquering. It’s another thing I talked to one of the guys about. They’re crushing it in business. They’re crushing in their life. And more than anything I ask the guys who do any of you guys want your wives to have bad feelings? Do not feel lit up feel? Do you want that? No. You want her to feel great. Do you want her to feel loved, respected, and admired? And all the guys are shaking their heads like you are? Yes. This is how you do it. You’re given them a blueprint, one of the blue one of the aspects of it to do it. 

So, guys, I’m just emphasizing to go back re listen to the things that Aaron sharing. Write them down, and make them a checklist. We’re guys, we’re dudes, we do checklists, who can solve the problems? Yeah, if we want to solve the problem, look at this, like the formula. Here’s a recipe for how to make your wife or help your wife slip back into her femininity. Use the thing that we call the TRADOC connection for men who have already gone through the program. guys that haven’t gone through the program, if you’re interested, just go to the powerful man.com forward slash and apply now. We have female coaches like Aaron come in and give a woman’s perspective like you do on this podcast, but in a much deeper way, as well as the rest of the coaches. On behalf of the women in the world, I’ll thank you. And certainly on behalf of the men that are listening to this, we’re reaching so many more men these days and for them to get this kind of information that you’re sharing is gonna be a game changer for them for their wives and also for their children. So thank you really hope so. You’re welcome to jump in, as always say in the moment of insight take massive action and we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.