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When Your Libidos Don’t Match: Bridging the Desire Gap in Marriage

Episode #808

Ever wonder how mismatched libidos can impact a marriage and what you can do about it?

In this episode, Doug delves into the common but rarely discussed issue of the “desire gap” in relationships. Discover how differences in sexual desire between partners can strain a marriage and the practical, actionable strategies that can help bridge this gap.

Doug shares personal anecdotes and professional insights on the dynamics of desire, revealing why connection is crucial for intimacy. He discusses the impact of schedules, stress, and biological rhythms on sexual health and offers tips on how to synchronize your sexual relationship with your partner.

From scheduling sex dates to understanding each other’s needs and fostering open communication, this episode is packed with advice to help you enhance intimacy and strengthen your relationship. Join Doug as he explores how to turn a challenging situation into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection in your marriage. Don’t miss out on these insights!

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Doug Holt  0:00  

What do you do when your libido doesn’t match? When you want to have sex more than your wife or your wife want to have sex more than you? Most people think that the man wants more sex than the woman, when in fact, oftentimes the woman wants more sex than the man does. We’re gonna schedule sex dates. Is that sexy? No, not at first, become sexy, right gives your wife something to look forward to, and make it fun. For most men, we feel more connected to their wife after sex. Well, women, need connection, to want to have sex. So if you’re going to supply connection to her, you get connected, you get sex needs to feel seen, she needs to feel heard, she needs to feel desired. If you can allow those things to happen, you win.

Hey, guys, welcome back to the TPM show today, what I want to talk about is bridging the desire gap. What I mean by that is, what do you do when your libidos don’t match? When you want to have sex more than your wife or your wife wants to have sex more than you know, I remember when somebody sitting across in a counseling session when things weren’t going well for my wife and me. And at that point in our marriage, we just weren’t being intimate, right? We didn’t like each other. Really, we loved each other. But we didn’t like each other you if you’ve ever been there. But I remember the therapist asking a question, we ended up getting rid of this person because again, I don’t think marriage counseling works certainly doesn’t work for the guys that come through our program or me. But this one was an interesting question. When he asked, he asked, my wife said, how many days a week? Do you want to have sex or be intimate? And she answered, and then he asked me, Well, how about you? And I answered, and he said, That’s interesting because my wife and I were pretty much on the same page. We just weren’t doing it because we didn’t like I said, we didn’t like each other at that moment. And he said it’s really common for those to be mismatched. Most people think that the man wants more sex than the woman, when in fact, oftentimes the woman wants more sex than the man does more frequently. She just isn’t feeling the connection. So, therefore, she doesn’t want to be intimate. Now, he didn’t go into all those details, but he just talked about the mismatch of sex, it was the first time I really thought about it. And that this is a long time ago. So since then, I’ve seen this happen so many times. So what do you do? What do you do when your libido doesn’t match like this not matching in the bedroom? Well, the first one we do is take stock of your marriage, right? Give yourself a rating right now, at a scale of one to 1010 being your marriage is off the hook. Great. One being sucks, right? It’s the bottom of the barrel, you cannot have a seven. So if you pick seven, I want you to pick a six or an eight, right? So go ahead, give yourself a number. I’ll give you time. 

Come on. All right, perfect. Now let’s say you have your number there. If you are a six or below, then then your challenge is going to be to raise that bar. That could be the problem with the libido. Is your marriage just isn’t that great? You know, a six is what a D, right? Yeah. D is for diploma as one of my roommates in college said one time, that’s just not true, right? If you do, you’re not going to get where you want to go with being a D in your life. Right? You want an A, right? You want to be a plus at least during hard times. But like I say, I will say life is too short. For average, you want exceptional, you deserve an exceptional marriage. If you want to work on that you should join The Activation Method. Yes, I’m biased. I think it’s the best program out there for businessmen. As a methodology has been proven time and time again, you just need to go through it. Now, let’s just say it’s not the sixth. Now we want to figure out is, is there another issue. So there’s oftentimes in a woman’s cycle and you need to learn your woman’s cycle, I tracked my wife’s menstrual cycle with an app that she shares with me. So I’ve asked her to do it. So you can also do this on the DL, we have a lot of guys that do it on the DL and track their wife cycle, they basically download an app for menstrual cycle tracking. And as soon as their wife’s on her menstrual cycle, they log it in. And eventually, these apps get fairly predictive. Now, of course, there’s there’s fluctuations that happen. But also these apps allow the woman to share it with their partner. So I can track my wife’s cycle, and I can see when she’s ovulating or what’s going on. And I’ve trained myself where I’ve learned, right when I had missing knowledge, I took the education on to learn how a menstrual cycle or a woman’s cycle is affected how it affects their libido, and it makes total sense like when she started to ovulate, right, that’s when a child can be born. So she naturally is the most horny and that’s a good thing to know as a guy isn’t it? That’s when we want to know also when she’s going through menstruation she’s she’s the least typically because their bodies drained. 

She’s got low energy. So you want to learn this, right? Men have their own cycles to go through and you want to learn yours. What time of day are you? Are you most interested in sex? What time of day? For you? If you watch porn? When do you watch it? What time of day? Do you watch it? If you don’t watch porn, you fantasize, what time of day? What time of day? Do you get the hardest erections? These are things that you just kind of want to take mental notes of. And you may not have thought about them as a time of day. But it’s a cycle. Right? When are you the horniest? When is your wife the morning is to have that conversation if you guys are open to doing it, if you have kids, but sex conversations are tough change that, it would be my advice because you’ve had sex. So hey, why make it taboo, I don’t understand. Don’t make it something that you can’t talk about. You want to make it an environment where you can have open conversations about sex and sexuality with your wife. So match those libidos, you may also find that what you want to do is get your hormone levels checked as a man, right as a man with processed foods, and toxins in the environment, they can take a big hit on our testosterone levels. Also, as men, as we age, our testosterone levels go down. So go get yours checked, and have a doctor do a complete blood panel on you. The same thing happens for women, right? Oftentimes, when women supplement with testosterone or estrogen as well, their hormones get more imbalanced, if you will. I’m not an expert on this by any means. But I know a lot of people who are experts so I have these conversations with them. And they’ll tell me, Doug, women come in because they just don’t feel right. They just don’t feel themselves. And their hormones are just out of whack, and they get unbalanced. You know that their desire to have sex, their desire for their husband, just shoots through the roof. My wife, coaches, women, and she’ll tell me all the time that yeah, women want to have sex with their man, that’s what they want to do. They want their man now they may not have the desire to have sex at all. Right? If their marriage is good, they definitely want their husband. That’s who they want. Right? That’s you. So she’s not looking for somewhere else. 

Now, if the marriage is bad, that’s when she starts to look elsewhere. She’d rather the marriage be good and have sex with you. That’s, that’s her goal. And I find it really interesting because, you know, a lot of times we hear from men that come in, we get 1000s of men, I think last month alone, we had something as 40,000 Men inquire about our flagship program, The Activation Method. That’s a lot of guys. And we do this month to month this these inquiries come in. And a lot of times the conversations are about women who have strayed numb, sometimes the guy does sometimes has nothing to do with that. But they start having emotional affairs. And then one of the reasons is is the BETO is high. But the relationship is bad. And so therefore the bedroom becomes dry. Or she’s having sex out of obligation as a married woman, or for religious reasons, you know, I hear that quite often. But she’s not. But that’s master tutorial sex, right? No one wants to have sex with someone you love, where they’re just laying there waiting for you to finish. Now you want passion, man, you want intimacy and you deserve it. You deserve to have those things. Another thing to realize is for us guys, and I’ve talked about this before, for most men, we feel more connected to our wives after sex or during usually it’s after you feel more connected. You feel happier, you feel lighter, for obvious reasons, right? Well, women, need connection, to want to have sex. 

So you need to supply the connection. So if you’re going to supply connection to her, you get connected, you get sex, right and she loves it, you love it. Right? Women have a strong libido in two guys. But she needs to feel safe. Not just physically safe, but emotionally safe. She needs to feel seen. She needs to feel heard. She needs to feel desired. If you can allow those things to happen. You win Nerf and say, It’s often said that guys are like microwaves, right? We can get horny and hard really quickly, we can end quickly. Women are like a slow boil, right? It’s like putting, putting something on a very slow boil takes a long time for that boil to really get rapid, right? And that’s why women need foreplay. But it’s also happening with communication. So you need to learn and master the triad of connection, you just need to, most specifically, The Hidden Motives Technique. I’ve done at least 50 podcasts on this topic. So we’re giving it all to you guys free. So when I’m promoting The Activation Method, which is our flagship program, I think every man should go through it. At the bare minimum though, go through these podcasts, go through these shows on YouTube. Learn The Hidden Motives Technique over the last,, six years or so, we’ve been sharing these all for free because we’re about a movement of helping men. And I think it’s the best thing out there. So we want to have that we want that communication plan. And then we want to also do is find, find common ground. Like again that question I was talking to you before. You know, I sit down and ask your wife say, in an ideal world, how many times a week would you want to be intimate with me? How many times if things are let’s just assume things are going well, you’re happy, I’m happy. What does that look like? Now guys that I’ve coached who have had these conversations with our wives have often been surprised. And it goes one of two ways. One is their wife says, geez, you know, I’d want to have sex at least twice a day. And they’re like, What? Like, whoa, that’s twice a day, we’re not even having sex once a week. And that’s because oftentimes, women are also taught that they’re not allowed to initiate, they’re not allowed to talk about sex, because otherwise, they’ll be thought of as a slot, right? 

So they don’t want to do that. So you want to provide that gateway in guys that have been there. They’re like, Oh, wow, let’s, let’s have sex twice a day, seven days a week. And I always jokingly say, get your electrolytes because you’re gonna be worn out, you’ll be most men that I that I work with. Once I started doing that they get they got tired pretty quickly. But also, she may say, You know what, I’m not interested in having sex with you at all until this marriage actually gets good. And then that’s also a shocker for some guys, because they think, oh, Doug, my marriage is probably a six out of 10. And they talk to their wife. And the wife says, no, no, my Our marriage is a three at best. There’s a big disconnect there, right? There. Some stuff needs to be worked on. This is also why guys get surprised 70% of divorces are initiated by a woman. And that number goes up to 90% 90% of divorces are initiated by a woman by the woman. If she’s got a college degree or higher. Odds are, you’re gonna get served with divorce papers, right? So you got to check in and figure out what’s going on here. And if you’re busy, if you’re busy like me, sometimes you have to schedule sex. It’s tough. I have two young kids. I got swim lessons, soccer practice, baseball, dance, I’m running businesses, there’s all kinds of things going on, my wife’s got things going on. And sometimes the end of the day, you’re just friggin tired. You’re just like, I’m just exhausted. But let’s assume you’ve balanced your hormones, you’ve at least gone there and talked to a doctor, whether it be a specialist who specializes in hormones, you pick your functional medicine doctor, wherever, you know, wherever suits your fancy. Your wife’s done that with hers, you’ve had a conversation about how many nights days a week if things are good that you want to have sex, right? You assume your marriage is good, or at least on the uptick, if it’s not you work on that first. But you assume that now the next thing you want to do you just go crap, we’re just busy. Great. We’re gonna schedule sex dates. Is that sexy? No, not first. become sexy, right? gives your wife something to look forward to. 

You can make this fun on date night, schedule, sex dates on date night, or schedule lunch breaks, where you guys can be intimate, and make it fun, be anticipatory about it. Tell your wife to go, Hey, Wednesday afternoon, are you free? Yep, great, we’re gonna have a second date, I want you to wear the red dress that you wear and wear the high heels and I’ll be home at noon. Whatever it is, planning, or scheduling your calendar, make it one of those things, I call it put that in the brush your teeth category versus the Get a massage category. What I mean by that is brushing your teeth is something that’s nonnegotiable, I hope for you. Because you’re constantly brushing your teeth twice a day, maybe you skip a day here or there or whatever. But you do it you make up for it. Right? If you skip a morning, you brush your teeth in the afternoon, whatever it is, but you just do it, you don’t have to think about it, it is just something you do, right, we want sex dates, or intimacy to be in that category. Whereas getting massages might be something that someone gifts you or you do it every once in a while, if at that it’s not, it’s not something that you’re just constantly doing. We want this to brush your teeth category intimacy is important. Remember, the only difference between the only difference between your wife’s brother and you. She might love her brother, she might love you. She might like her brother, she might like you. But hopefully, she’s only being intimate with one of you. That’s the difference in marriage. So if you have a dry bedroom, if you have a sexless marriage, you need to work on the marriage first. And then come back through these topics, go through the things I’ve talked about today, rewind these, go through these steps. And you’ll make sure that you start having more intimacy. And look, sex is fun. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be doing it. So you should be having as much of it as you want, within reason, and as much as your partner wants within reason. And I’ll go as far to say that, you know, if you’re masturbating, all good. But check in with your partner to make sure she’s getting as much sex as she wants. 

And if your wife says, Hey, I’m not getting as much sex as I want and you’re masturbating, stop, start using you’re not using your weapons sounds horrible. Start. Start being intimate and having that release with your wife. Right? That’s a better way of doing it guys. You’re going to feel better. She’s going to feel better bonding hormones, oxytocin are going to be released. It’s going to be a better environment for you and for everybody. And hey, let’s call it what it is. A marriage that’s filled with passionate sex is a much better marriage than one that’s a desert in the bedroom. that’s going to create a harmonious more harmonious environment for you, for her, but also for anybody that’s around you, your kids, your extended family, life just gets better. Guys, as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go through these and make sure these steps happen. You yourself can schedule the hormone test today, you yourself can schedule the date night, and you yourself can have to lead that conversation with your wife, but whatever you do take some massive action. For some reason, this topic is taboo in our society, sex that is, but I’m gonna be talking about a lot more on these podcasts because I want you guys to be informed and have the education but I also want to show you guys how you can have these conversations with your wife in a meaningful way.