What are you going to do if your wife offends you?
Would you confront her?
“That’s not cool. That’s not acceptable.”
Do you feel good as a man?
In this episode, let’s talk about what makes us upset in a relationship and some points on how to compromise with your wife. It’s time for you to rebuild your confidence and give her a peaceful mind.
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Doug Holt 0:00
Assuming you’ve done that and your wife’s been a bitch, she’s not a good person and is offending you, I would bring it up right away. But my wife offends me, and I’m going to say, “Look, that’s not cool. What you just said was me, and I don’t like it, and here’s why”. I’m just going to break it down not in a mean way but very sternly you listen to the tone of my voice. This is how I would do it very sternly, almost like a father talking to a child. But that’s not cool, and it’s not acceptable. Look, this happens again. I’m not going to be in a relationship with somebody who demeans me if not willing to. Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going down, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:44
Very well. I’m excited because the bookcases arrived today. So you can’t see over here there’s a lot of books and things on the floor. I’m excited to get the environment set up a little bit more. We all know how important the environment is, so I kind of– want to go down and get them to pop up.
Doug Holt 1:02
Tim Matthews 1:03
It is; I like all you can imagine. How are you doing?
Doug Holt 1:13
I’m doing well, thank you. I got a sick baby here with a lot of the guys who have had kids understand, the lot goes on emotionally, but you also don’t sleep when you have a sick child. So we’re running through that. Right next to me, I have a baby monitor sitting there. So it’s the real deal. Watching the baby as she sleeps, my wife’s taken our son to get a haircut. So, we practice what we preach here at The Powerful Man.
Tim Matthews 1:39
And shot him. On that note, I want to see if we can give Cody some insight and then even the listeners. So another episode, Manuel responded to the topics you guys have asked us to cover, specifically the men in the Facebook group. If you want Doug and I to cover a topic or answer a question, then head over there. Just search The Powerful Man in the Facebook search bar. Then you can request to become a member of the group. You’ll see the post in there as well. If you search for the podcast or hashtag podcast, you will see it. There’s a lot of really great questions. So, Cody had a few questions, and we’ve covered some of them in a previous episode. But the one I wanted to cover now was this one in particular. So the topic is when your wife has a slight issue or throws digs repeatedly throughout the days and weeks, even in front of others, the times are like it doesn’t bother me until the pressure cooker blows. I’m struggling with strategic ways of addressing it. Often when I attempt to address that, I’m offended. She turns around and acts offended that I’m bringing it up. The few things aren’t the–.
Doug Holt 2:57
Yes, he has a lot to unpack there. I’ll take the first stab here, Tim. So Cody, the way that I would handle this is I would bring it up right away. So if your wife gives you a slideshow or throws a dig at one or two things, if it’s assuming it’s bothering you, which it is, I would bring it up right then and there like, that’s not okay, what you just said, right? And you gotta understand I have very strong boundaries that I’ve set for myself. It’s like that’s a clear thing. Also, I know what triggers and stories for me are triggers and stories are for me, so I’m going to explain what each of those is as quickly as possible, though that can be a three-week three-week conversation here, Cody. There are certain times when someone tells you a joke about you, right? So, for example, if I say to Tim, “Tim, you’re purple.” Tim’s not going to react. It’s like that’s stupid because I’m not purple. It makes no sense. However, if I say something about Tim that he’s very sensitive about and then he’s going to react if. Tim believes it to be true, and it will offend Tim if it’s a negative thing. The reason I share this with you, Cody, is that I know those things about me that offend me and bother me, and I know why, right? It bothers me because it’s an area I’m working on or an area about me that’s an issue right for me. For example, I lived by the beach growing up as a kid my whole life. But I can’t tan; I go from white as a ghost to dark red. So all my yearbooks as a kid used to say, have a great summer, get a tan. Every year drove me nuts. I tried everything. Here you have this kid; it’s out there, a young kid trying to sunbathe and just getting burnt to a crisp, so bad that I get blisters. I was so burned. So that could be a trigger for me if somebody brings up my skin tone. Now, that’s not an issue for me. I’m just using this as an example. So if my wife might say, “Oh, I love tanned men.” I might get offended and triggered because it’s not something I could ever be or do, and maybe it’s a story I have. So nicely the best example, but I think you get where I’m going with this.
So one is I would check-in, “Why are you getting offended? Is it real? Or is it something you can laugh off?” So again, if I say, “Tim, you’re purple,” and Tim does, there’s no joke, right? It’s not a joke. Or if Tim looks at me deadpanned, like, that’s the dumbest thing anybody could ever say, it deflates me, right? Took away, he takes my power away. If Tim gets offended, I maintain the power. Tim just gave me power by getting offended. So I’m sharing that with you because there’s probably a lot going on here is my guess between you and your wife that’s going on, and probably a lot for you, quite honestly, that you haven’t addressed or found out about. We can’t take you through The Alpha Reset during this podcast to uncover many of these things. However, that’s one thing. So let’s say, assuming you’ve done that, and your wife’s a bitch right, she’s not a good person is offending you. I would bring it up right away. Right, is my wife offends me, and it offends me. I’m going to say, “Look, that’s not cool.” We just said it was mean, and I don’t like it. here’s why. I’m just going to break it down very slim. Not in a mean way, but very stern. Do you listen to the tone of my voice? This is how I would do it. Very stern, almost like a father talking to a child. But that’s not cool. it’s not acceptable for me. you might even say, look, this happens again, I’m out. Like, I’m not going to be in a relationship with somebody who demeans me. It’s not willing to. The fact that your wife acts like she’s offended that you’re bringing it up makes me wonder if your relationship has gone apart so much that you’re getting easily offended, right? Maybe more so than you would if you guys were connected. So what happened with me, my wife, Cody, is when we were going through our hard times, I would get offended easily by things she would do. Mainly because I was misinterpreting things she was saying, she went like, “I didn’t mean it that way.” The worst part is that I did the same thing when I would hold it in, which is what you’re doing. those things would start stacking on each other, right? The offenses, and then I would blow up and come to find out, according to her, these things that I was stacking up, and she didn’t mean I took them the wrong way.
Like maybe it was something, I opened the door for a party, and she walked in right away and started talking to somebody and left me at the door. Connected nowadays, I’d be cool, and I’d walk over there. I do my own thing and it wouldn’t matter. But back then, I could have created a story. Ah, she doesn’t want to be with me, she leaves me by myself, I’m not good enough, she should wait for me to close the door since I opened it for her and then introduce me to these people, etc. get the idea. Like I would create a story about how wrong she is. Nowadays, if it bothers me, I’ll use the same analogy: go to a party, open the door, walk-in, talk to somebody. If it bothers me, I’m going to take the first opportunity to pull her aside and say, “Hey, look, It bothered me that we walked in here. You don’t wait over to talk to somebody that upsets me.“ Here’s why. Now we can have a conversation. She could either say, “I didn’t want to be around you” or “she could say most likely, Oh, I didn’t know that upset you. I was just going to talk to Claire or whoever over here, I didn’t even think about it”. Now we can have an adult conversation about it. Then eventually, I can get down to the bottom of why it bothered me. Why does it upset me? that’s getting into triggers. We’ve done some podcasts around that a little bit more of an advanced topic than we’re probably going to dive into. Have time to dive in today. But that’s where I would start. I know Tim’s got a bunch of nuggets for you. So I’ll flip it over to you, buddy.
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Tim Matthews 9:25
Yeah, I mean, that was great. The thing that comes up for me, Cody, I think what the finished one hits the nail on the head about sometimes when you’re less connected, the things that wouldn’t bother you can bother you, right? Maybe it’s because you feel an insecure relationship. Is she going to stick around? Is she going to leave? Maybe you’ve made advances in sex, and she’s rejected you whatever. So I want you to imagine a triangle you’ve probably heard us talk about living from the inside out on the path of power, right? When you live in from the inside out, the five territories are organized with self at the base of that pyramid, margin a pyramid, then in five layers, self is the best above health. Then it goes relationships, then wealth, the business. The reason for that is because when you focus on the territory of self and health before the relationship, it puts you in a position whereby you can enter the relationship in a much more grounded, confident, clear, decisive position. That feeds into the triggers, which Doug was talking about, is why one of the first exercises we guide the men through when they join The Activation Method is something called the shadow stigma. It is all about becoming aware of the triggers that are usually unconscious to bring the unconscious into the conscious mind and kind of shine the spotlight in the darkness. So you can see what’s there and illuminate it when you can do that. These things don’t trigger you that much. So imagine you doing that like Nick was saying, and then you were also working out. You were taking control of your day, and you were also filling the day and your week with things that you wanted to do, not being reckless and avoiding responsibilities.
But, maybe that skydive you’ve been wanting to do, you book it, join that Jimmy wants to go to you, start going, contact that friend that you wanted to hang out with, the promise should go away with you, while this is going to start to fill your cup. It’s going to rebuild your confidence, your sense of joy, your sense of freedom. Then you can take that into the relationship because chances are, I bet that’s the kind of man that your wife fell in love with when you guys first got together, I am the kind of guy that’s full, that’s playful, maybe a bit cocky or confident. He can take that with us into the relationship. So when these situations come up, what if you imagine if instead of reacting, you’re able to laugh them off or say something playful when she’s thrown that dig at you? And what if you’re able to turn it into a jerk, right? Example one that’s happened to me recently, I was making some advances on Amelia was in bed. She said something in the lines of “Hi, you’re always trying it on,” something like that. And I said, “Listen, if I was trying to get to know about it, I’m just toying with you right now.” Something to keep the frame and keep the playfulness and keep the light-heartedness about it. Rather than being like, she thinks I’m being needy or a perv, whatever, right? So the reality is when you’re in that place of confidence, and you’re full, and you’re doing things you want to do, it helps you to be able to deflect these dogs instead of on these decks. Imagine martial arts. You use their force against them, don’t you say? Imagine your wife is coming out yet. When you’re in that place of playfulness and confidence, that’s when you can use her force against her. She’s charging towards you, and instead of it hitting you, it kind of bounces off you, and she ends up on the floor. Whereas the person that’s too rigid in martial arts, the person who can’t move doesn’t read what’s going on and gets taken down, or gets hit or gets injured and gets knocked off balance. So if I were you, I’d be looking at doing that; bring back that playfulness and cockiness so that if she wants to slot you, turn it around. Now, if she says something about her issue in front of other people, bring it up and or maybe turn it around a little bit. Not so big. But to know that okay, she’s going to try and come at you with things she’s going to get something in return. She’s going to respect you for that because by default, and you’re going to have boundaries, don’t start making fun of her in front of a friend too much to the point where she’s like, hey, but if you want to, just lay a few little things down there while being playful and you could do that just going too hard. So yeah, that’s what I’ve got for you.
Doug Holt 14:20
That’s a great point. Honestly, my guess is what’s occurring here is that you guys are so disconnected. During that process, what happened for many of us guys, as we lost sight of who we are as men. We forget our kind of true power within us. Honestly, it’s probably because I’m in the mindset of them getting prepared to go down to Florida to lead The Alpha Reset down there. The Alpha Reset by far the best way to do that is to get anchored into your lighthouse into your power. Where you can have that place where those things bounce off you like Teflon, again, she’s doing a slight, and you’re kind of now whatever doesn’t matter because I’m so solid within who I am as a man doesn’t bother me. If Tim says, “Doug, you’re too direct,” I might say, “yeah, I’m direct because I don’t have time to waste. I got lots of things to do in my life”, where I could be like, “you’re too direct. Oh my gosh, what is he saying about me?” It’s very different when you come from a place of power. That you feel very good confident about who you are as a man. You become the prize because the wife starts chasing you, everybody starts chasing you, because you’re going afterlife by the Kahunas, you’re going after it. So, first of all, I would give you nothing but props for stepping up and posting that have nothing but respect. We’ve got both your questions in there, which was awesome. But take a couple of these points, go back and listen through this, take a few bullet points, and start applying and putting it to work. Let us all know how it’s going. So follow up. Let us know how it’s going with her. My guess is you’re going to see things turn around here pretty quickly. Tim, anything else?
Tim Matthews 16:02
No, I acknowledge you for reaching out and raising your hand. I know it can be hard, and you’ve shed a lot from this episode. So the other one that we shared shouted out to Gab Hutchins for giving some great advice. Also, Jeremy Vander Gupton has amazing manners. But keep showing up, Cody. If you need any more support, just let us know in the Facebook group, and we can see what we can do.
Doug Holt 16:35
Awesome. Gentlemen, make sure to go over there to the Facebook group. Post your questions, anything that’s coming up for you. Tim and I’ll do our best job to work through those in the coming months as we go through them. Guys, as always, take massive action when you get the point of insight, take action, and move forward. That’s a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man show, guys. We’ll see you next time. Make it a great week.