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What to Do When You Feel Stuck

Episode #73

We only live once…so live a quality life with purpose.

Many of us feel discontented with the life that we have and how much money we make.

We want more and that’s why we hustle to earn more without knowing what we really desire.

We want to earn money without even knowing how much money we actually need and what our goals are.

In this episode, we talk about the importance of reconnecting to who you are and getting clear on what you want.

Know your numbers. You might be hustling for nothing because you might only need less than what you already have in order for you to feel secure and live your dreams.

Do not let society define security for you, define it for yourself because it is your life.

Live a life that is on fire and brings your joy because if you are happy…you will make money easier without even thinking about it.

What you will learn in this episode:

  • What happens if we are too attached to money and security
  • How to know what you really want and how much it will cost you
  • How to get clear on your goals and finding your joy
  • The importance of reconnecting to yourself
  • The importance of surrounding yourself with great mentors
  • How to improve yourself every day


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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt 0:00  

Do you have another life and other freebie life that you can just start over and play over? He said, Well, no, of course not. And he started chuckling a little bit because he knew where I was going. I said, Look, man, here’s the deal. If you don’t have an extra life, why are you playing live? Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host Doug Holt with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthew. Tim. How are you doing, brother?

Tim Matthews 0:29    

Hey, How are you doing, man?

Doug Holt 0:30 

I’m doing great, man. I’m in this office space in Bend, Oregon. Corner office, overlooking Mount Bachelor, which has got some snow on it, is still just an absolutely beautiful office to do this podcast out of, so I’m feeling very lucky.

Tim Matthews 0:47 

Oh, good for you. Good for you.

Doug Holt 0:49 

Maybe Blessed is a better word than luck. But you get what I’m saying?

Tim Matthews 0:53  

Yeah, it’s interesting, isn’t it? So nothing to do with luck? Because you create your luck? Yeah, blessed to be a good word.

Doug Holt 1:02   

Absolutely. So Tim, just yesterday, I talked to a young man. I say young, young to me, maybe. But he’s a Chief Marketing Officer for a medical company. I won’t give away his name. But shout out to him if he’s listening to this. Great guy, really one of the smarter people I’ve met along my journey, which I think is saying quite a bit. And Tim, I was talking to him, he wasn’t happy with his job. He wasn’t happy with where he was. 

Now he was getting paid well. But he didn’t feel fulfilled. That wasn’t what he wanted to do. And I think a lot of the men that listen to this podcast are in a similar environment, and they’re, they’re getting paid enough. Of course, everybody wants to get paid more. We all do. It’s just kind of the nature of the beast. But there, he’s not fulfilled, he’s not growing, he’s not learning. He’s got no one teaching him. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. But what he does know is that he doesn’t want to do what he’s doing currently. Right? He feels like he’s spinning his wheels. And no one has asked him in the previous conversation, what is it you want? So Tim, what would you say to this guy in this state if you can picture him in this office space that he’s in and doing well from the outside, but just not being fulfilled and not chasing his dreams at this point.

Tim Matthews 2:28  

It’s funny, and I spoke to a guy today with the same conversation. 

Doug Holt 2:30

I think this is a pretty common one.

Tim Matthews 2:32

Yeah, I hear it a lot. Wow, what would I say? In short, you’ve got to reconnect to who you are; not knowing what you want comes from not knowing who you are, as well. And as a result, you then often what we see with men is that they will then Well, there are two scenarios. One is that they design their life by default based on what they feel they should do to either be a man or what it takes to be successful. So they hustle and push and force and grind, and then they make money, and they get the car, and they get the home. 

They get the holidays and the watch and the wife and the kids. You know all of it and then what happens to them is they feel worse at that point than they did when they didn’t have anything because, by that point, they’ve then got everything they thought was going to be the answer and then feel even more lost and even more lonely. And the guy I spoke with today was at a crossroads, very successful in business. But it got to a point where he didn’t know what he wanted, and as a result, he didn’t know who he was either. As a result, he disconnected from himself and disconnected from his true desires, which then meant he didn’t know what he wanted.

Doug Holt 3:55

I mean, this happens more often than not for the guy, not knowing where we are, and this guy was in the same boat. He felt as if he fell into this role, and I’m putting some words in his mouth, but what I got out of this is he felt like he fell into this role, and it was a great opportunity for him at a young age to become a C suite executive for a decent-sized company. A decent-sized corporation that has a hockey stick-like growth period, but again, he’s sitting there not feeling fulfilled, and so Tim, I asked my question which I asked the guys a lot as I said, hey, oh cool. 

Do you have a back pocket life? Do you have another life and another go-around with this that I’m not aware of? And he just kind of looked, actually we’re just talking on the phone, but it was almost like that deer in headlights pause when you get on a phone call when the other person just stops, and you hear them thinking. And he said, What exactly do you mean? I’ll go look, and you have another life, another freebie life that you can just start over and play over. He said, well, no, of course not. And he started chuckling a little because he knew where I was going. I said, look, man, here’s the deal. If you don’t have an extra life, why are you playing live? Why are you using this life as a practice? If you don’t know that you have an extra one, you can just pull it up like a video game, which none of us do. Then why are you living out your life currently, as if it’s a practice for you? And not going after what your goals are—not actually getting in touch, as you said, and being fulfilled?

Tim Matthews 5:38  

So true, so true. And what did he say?

Doug Holt 5:42   

He said, yeah, you’re right. And then he started to open up a little bit. He said you know what Doug, I’ve been talking for a while with my fiance. And really, what I want to do is get into nutraceuticals and start telling me a little more about what he wanted to do. And I said, look if you have a crystal ball, and I get that you don’t. But if you did, where would you see your life in two years if you’re able to make it any way that you want to? And he said, Doug, well, the realistic version? I said no. Such a crystal ball. First of all, there’s nothing realistic about this scenario. So let’s play. If you had a crystal ball, where would you be in two years if your ideal environment and Tim, that’s when he said. 

Look, I’ll be married. I would have multiple companies. I’ll start my own business and get out of my way. He’s like, I’m just afraid that I’m making enough money at this company that I feel stable for the first time in my life. I feel secure in this job. And for the first time in my life, I don’t want to lose that. So, Tim, that’s when we went into the things that we’ve talked about the guys in The Brotherhood about. We did the money mindset in Marrakech, Morocco. And I said, look, do you know your numbers? Do you know how much money would cost you to survive just full of a bass life? The answer was no. Okay, do you know how much money would cost you to live your current life? Again, the answer was no. So you have to remember, he was staying at this company for four unhappy years. Because he felt it was stable, and it was providing the income that he needed. Yet, he doesn’t even know how much income he needs. So it’s a contradiction in terms there, isn’t it?

Tim Matthews 7:42  

Yeah, it’s so common. And often, we see them with the guys in The Brotherhood. When they first come in, we map out the vision for the year. Figure out what that figure is, for them to live their ideal life is always a lot lower than they think. It is always a lot easier as well. Then break it down into how many sales there are. And what are the daily actions and so on? So, we often talk about the clarity of empowerment. And it’s a dangerous place to be when he’s so comfortable, isn’t it? Because often, I imagine him getting into the position that he’s in now. Before he had the stability, it probably felt freer and more comfortable when he had nothing. And when he does now, because sometimes success comes with expectation, doesn’t it? Oh wow, I’ve got something that I didn’t have before, so I got to hold on to it. I’m so afraid of losing it. So then it takes you out of doing all the things and being the person ultimately that you were to get you into that position in the first place. And you’ve got to break free from that cage, and you’ve got to shake it. Get out of it.

Doug Holt 8:57 

Well yeah, but it also tells you he feels stability right in his job and in the money he’s making. I don’t know if he felt stability in the job itself, the security but in the money. But he hadn’t associated what that meant to him. He didn’t have a number. And look, Tim, you and I, we teach that guys, we love money. It’s the fifth territory. We take the men through his wealth. There are five territories. Number five is wealth and how to not only obtain wealth but how to secure it and how to make it grow for you. 

So we teach this, and we’re big fans of money. But at the same time, it needs to be money for a purpose. What are you going to do with it? Why do you want it, and what’s the emotion of feeling attached to it? So this guy had attached his income from this particular job with security, but yet he hadn’t defined what security was to him. He hadn’t defined how much money he needed. And you and I know this. But nine times out of 10, we walk a man in this situation through, and we find out what it is they want, what they desire, how much it would cost to get there. It’s a lot easier for them to break free and live that dream life that they want to live.

And on top of that, when you’re living a life that lights you up. A life that’s on fire for you, you’re going to make a lot more money. You’re going to make a lot more money, and you’re going to enjoy the ride the whole time. Guys, I’m interrupting this episode because I want to know, do you feel bored, burnout or broken? I discovered the system that over 300 businessmen are using to let go of the grind, find inner peace and unlock unlimited personal power. So they can have more time, more intimacy, and better sex while living a life they love. Without stressing about work, or feeling like a fraud, head over to ThePowerfulMan.com/11 to see what this is all about. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.

Tim Matthews 11:11  

Yeah, I think you make a lot more money without even thinking about the money. Because you’re having so much fun and you’re so inspired. And you’re just in your zone on purpose taking those actions that feel so effortless, but it’s moving the needle as well. And it’s interesting, and I did a training earlier this week. Every week, we have pieces of training in the Facebook community. And when I was coming up with the training, I realized this came from the back of watching, and I rewatched the documentary on Netflix on minimalism. And it got me thinking about the conditioning and the sucker punch that society has delivered to men.

Over the past couple of generations, men have been completely left behind. And as a result, right now, I think one of the struggles that feed into what this guy is experiencing and the attachment is that we are very vague and ambiguous as to what it means to one be a man or woman to have success. We’ve been taught that to have success, and you’ve got to have more. More money, more sex, more cars, more homes, more houses. 

And as a result, a lot of the men we speak with start their journey setting out for that more, and the link consumes more and more things, and it’s just never enough. It just never fills the void that they’re feeling within because that void has nothing to do with money. But we are taught everywhere the message is that to be a man and be successful, you’ve got to always be more. But it’s just a lie. As men, we’ve been lied to completely. I bet the guy speaking, part of his struggle right now is not only his lack of clarity around his numbers and his attachment to security. When in fact, the opposite would be true. But I also feel that he is not taking control and defining for himself what it means in his eyes to be a man and be successful. Because if he wants to get married, he may want to have kids. I’m sure he’s going to want his kids to describe him in some kind of way. He’s going to want to be some kind of role model or leader in the family. And that comes from him defining his role as a man, what it means to him, and what success means to him as well. And I imagine part of that sex as sex, part of that success.

Doug Holt 13:55 

What’s on your mind?

Tim Matthews 13:56  

Maybe that was something on my mind. As part of that success, I bet we have a great deal to do with money. I’ll be around the quality of life, and living his best life and going for what he wants and living his dreams and being on purpose and all those great things that light you up and help you help us all to feel on fire. And in turn, your cup then continues to be filled instead of your cup always being emptied. That’s when you feel burned out, and arguments happen in the relationship because you can’t go home and have a conversation and be there with the person you love. 

And then skip workouts, and you put them where? You start to then go through what we’ve seen time and time again, which are the five agonists. The first agony is emptiness—the second one is anger. The third one is loneliness and so on, and the end is no man’s land is a horrible place to be. It’s a dark, dark place. And it’s a slippery slope as well. Can you think quite easily and up there without even knowing it’s like the penny that doubles every day. It’s like compounded interest but working against you to put you into that space. If you’re listening, guys, it’s resonating that you just reach out, ask for help, whether it’s windows or whoever. Don’t stay there, because it’s just not a good place to be.

Doug Holt 15:20   

It’s not at all. We see it time and time again. So this guy that I’m talking about is such a great guy—the salt of the earth, a good person. I just lost floating around trying to figure out that next move. You and I know there’s no quick fix, and you have to do the work, do the work daily, and do the work regularly, and surround yourself with the right people, the right mentors, which was one of his complaints, remember. When I talked about the beginning, he wasn’t growing within this role. He didn’t have people around him to show him what the next level was.

 He didn’t have people to show him where he was going and in life. If you’re not growing, especially in the area of your personal development, what I mean is by your own inner game, the work on yourself that nobody could ever take away.

Nobody could ever take it away. The work you do on yourself, the stuff you have inside of you, your knowledge, your skill sets, your interpersonal skills, all those things, but especially when you go on a journey within yourself, right when you’re not growing, you’re dying. You’re stagnant, right, just like stagnant water. 

If you go hiking outdoors, stagnant water detracts death. It attracts mosquitoes, and they breed and they fester in this environment. But if you have running water, flowing water, you know it’s beautiful, crisp, clean and full of life. It’s the same thing what we’re talking about here, Tim, is we’re talking about the opportunity for growth.

Sure, security is good. There is nothing wrong with security. It’s where your priorities are. Why do you want security? What does security mean to you and why you want it will be the questions I would ask him. I wasn’t trying to coach this guy, and I just wanted to help him out in the conversation. But Tim, one of the things he asked or should be asking yourself is why am I holding off from living my life the way I want to live it? What is the real reason? Is it security? He lives in a beautiful part of the United States, in a very affluent area. He’s doing great. Worst case scenario, he loses his job. He lives in an area that never really gets too cold or too hot; it’s like the perfect environment. He could live off his car if he had to. But he was not living your dream. We talked about this before in other podcasts. The definition of Hell is meeting the man you could have been.

Tim Matthews 18:07 

Here’s the thing. It’s impossible to lie to yourself, isn’t it? Impossible even if you know you can lie to the mind, but you can never lie to the heart. It’s just not possible. You know when you’re lying to yourself, so when you’re asking this guy these questions, and he always says it with the guy I don’t know, but if you did know, they always know it’s just they don’t want to go that it’s like a safety mechanism right? The reality is with these guys, well, two things, one, the only security there will get released from himself. It doesn’t come from his job, doesn’t come from money, doesn’t come from his pension or whatever. The truest sense of security you can have is a sense of security you get from within yourself, knowing that you can just make things happen. 

Whatever that is, knowing who you are, knowing what you want, and having the belief, courage, and energy to go and get things done. And knowing you can handle it, right? And for this guy, in particular, he’s always they’re always nice guys that are the thing as well it’s like a slight The Curse of the nice guy almost you know they’re always such nice guys that we speak with them such big hearts so in so brilliant and they’ve just gone a little bit off track. You just pull him for them, so can you just see the brilliance? Just like come on come over here, you know we talk about one destination two pastures come over on this side. Come and join us. Come over here. You can do it. Just jump, and we’ll catch; you just jump. You’ve got to leap. Just jump. 

And it’s the same thing with the friend, with the guy I spoke with, the man we speak with. You’ve just got to jump. Because until you jump, you’re never going to know. You will fall wings on the way down. You will. One of the things I love to do is put myself in a situation. I didn’t particularly love it at the time, but I know it works for me. It’s pretty stressful all the time. But one of the things that work for me is to put myself in a position the way it’s just going to work. Backs up against the wall, that there’s no, like a failure, so to speak, or not happening and just not an option. It is happening. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. But all I know is that it’s happening. And that’s all you need. You just need to know the next step, what’s the next step. We speak a lot about hitting singles, just hit singles, hit singles because the singles add up to a home run. But you’ve got to be out there on the field, swinging the bar to just hit the single and go for it. And when you’re there, then take a breath, look at the view and then go again.

Doug Holt 21:14

Well said. So, Tim, you got this guy in front of you right now. We’ve already given him some advice here, about what we think he should do. Some guys are listening to this if you resonate with any of this, and I’m guessing most of you do. Tim, give them a few pointers of what you think they should be doing or they can do right now.

Tim Matthews 21:35 

Okay, so what I like to do is tell the guys through something called rapid response. So how this works is, like I said, it’s impossible to lie to yourself. You already know the answer; you already know what you want to do. You were just not doing it. And you’re trying to kid yourself by diverting your attention to something else. But the reality is, something’s bubbling up inside of you. And you’ve just not yet really earned it or claimed it. So I would pose you if you’re sitting in front of me right now and you’re listening. What I would like you to do is either pull over if you’re driving the car, I’ll come back to this later. And I want you to answer this question. 

If you had no limitations, what would you do? I want you to answer it. And now that you are thinking about, just say it rapid responses, the first thing that comes up for you within that first two or three seconds, you’ve got to get it down. Just say it, say if you are driving, just say out loud, Say it, say it, permit yourself to just go there. If you pause for two or three seconds, you’re lying. You’re lying to yourself, and you come up with an excuse. That thing that came up for you when I said to you, if you had no limitations, what would you do? Did something ping inside of you, that voice spark? What did it say? 

Write it down, speak out, because that’s the thing that you get to do. And that muscle right there that you feel that you’re accepting and earning is the muscle that you get to work every day. And start simple. Start tuning into yourself. Start listening to yourself. It might be as simple as tomorrow when you wake up, you might have a diary to go to the gym, but you might feel super inspired. So you may do some work and then go to the gym later, or you might choose to. You’re supposed to work in the office, but you feel inspired to go to your favorite coffee shop. Follow your inspiration, follow your joy; the more you do this, the more you tell yourself that you trust yourself, are worth listening to, and that your voice matters. So when you get into positions like this, where you think you don’t know what to do, you’ve permitted yourself to say it once you’ve said it and declared it, it becomes so much easier. That’s a different conversation, then. That conversation is all about the how. How do I do this? How’s that different, and there’s going to be a million ways you can do it. It’ll all work. But the first thing you’ve got to do is stick that fork in the ground. Have a rapid response. Listen to yourself and get it out.

Doug Holt 24:33  

Awesome! All right, guys, it’s time to take action. We’re going to leave it there for this episode, and we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.