Episode #324
Would you say you’re a great husband?
What qualities of yours would you like to remove or replace?
What qualities would you add to make your life and your relationship a little bit better?
For example, a great husband is not a drunk, or abusive. Look within your character and idealize what being a great husband looks like for you. Look at the qualities and attributes that you want to accentuate within yourself…qualities that you want to magnify and amplify.
You cannot recognize the qualities of an ideal husband within other people unless they are within you. There are attributes of an ideal husband inside of you but there are some things that are holding you back from becoming one.
In this episode, we are going to talk about the attributes of an ideal husband, the process of becoming one, and how to be an ideal husband without thinking about what other people might say about you.
Get the free Ideal Husband worksheet at www.thepowerfulman.com/idealhusband
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
You think of that guy as the husband and as a father. Within that character, you start to look at that character as an idealized version of the great husband you want to be. You’re not picking someone who’s a drunk who’s abusive, or all these things that you don’t want to come. He picked somebody naturally with attributes and qualities that we probably already possess and attributes and qualities that we want to accentuate within ourselves. Exactly, who could that be?
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going down, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
Yeah, very well. I’m feeling good. I’m going to see if you’re aware of this seat for the right for two months. So I feel stuff. I’ve been looking at you, and you swivel in your chair sometimes. Oh my god, I love to be sat down. I’ve been in the standard desk for like, years. It feels great to be so comfortable.
Doug Holt 1:07
I mean, you’re still at the stand-up desk. You’re just adjusting it up and down, right? That is what I do.
Tim Matthews 1:10
Yeah, but I do. find myself can all be uncomfortable when we were recording
Doug Holt 1:14
You’re getting older.
Tim Matthews 1:18
Yeah, she is getting older. The seat is most welcome.
Doug Holt 1:24
I bet it is. Well, having a good seat is kind of like having a good bed, especially if you’re working a lot. I’m amazed at how many people, myself included in the past, invest in cheap seats, yet you’re sitting over for their staff. You’re sitting down there for eight hours. Depending on a typical workday, I was maybe you got to take care of yourself, man. So I’m glad you are. I’m happy you invested in yourself. You’re worth it.
Tim Matthews 1:54
Thank you. You’re too kind.
Doug Holt 1:57
That’s true I am. Anyway, but what I want to talk about today is the ideal husband. And this notion of the Ideal Husband. So when I say the Ideal Husband, Tim, besides myself, what comes to mind to you?
Tim Matthews 2:12
Myself
Doug Holt 2:14
You’re here and not married.
Tim Matthews 2:16
And Ideal Husband, what comes to mind? For me? Playful, present, firm. There’s no natural person that comes to mind soon as you’re taking yourself out of the picture. But yeah, it’s just that energy of that playful, yet firm, present, loving yet against the firm. The word firm keeps coming to mind. Yeah, I think that would sum it up.
Doug Holt 2:48
Yeah. Well, that’s the exciting thing is, you can’t come up with somebody. Right? What about a fictional character? When you think of a movie? character, maybe a book you’ve read? I know you mostly read nonfiction, but like a movie you’ve seen? What do you think of like, okay, that dad?
Tim Matthews 3:05
Oh, yeah,
Doug Holt 3:05
Not dad, but a husband?
Tim Matthews 3:08
Yeah, I know. Do you know? Do you watch that TV series? This is us?
Doug Holt 3:13
Yeah, yep.
Tim Matthews 3:14
That guy. He is awesome. You know, the guy that plays his father and is married to the mom.
Doug Holt 3:21
Yeah. I’ve always seen a couple of seasons when my wife was the first couple.
Tim Matthews 3:24
I think he’s excellent.
Doug Holt 3:26
He is. What are some of the qualities that he has that you see that you’re like? Hmm, if I could add a little more of that to my life in my relationship, things would be a little better.
Tim Matthews 3:39
As a husband?
Doug Holt 3:41
Yeah.
Tim Matthews 3:42
A partner for me. But the qualities in him. What are the qualities of a husband I look at? I’m sure we’ll pull those out. Maybe it’s a bad example. Because main qualities that stand out, who’s a father. But at the same time, you know what, he respects his wife. Yep. Like he really put her on a pedestal, in a place of not being wimpy about it, and often an opinion, but just from a place of real adoration for her. Making sure she’s taken care of. I just love the way that sometimes when she’s having a real moment. She’s having an emotional moment, let’s say there are times when he’s able just to pause, look her in the eye and just say something like, hey, look, it’s going to be fine, and whatever it goes on to say, but just that leadership and strength, they show at that moment and not only deal with her emotional uncertainty but then also to transform that uncertainty into certainty, because of how he shows up at that moment with that sense of conviction. A real peacefulness about it, it’s not like he’s trying to convince himself when he says it, and he might do it. But how it comes across as really strong.
Doug Holt 5:21
And that’s perfect, and I agree with you on that for that character, especially. I want to point out that when I first asked you, you said, I don’t know. And then obviously, being you and being experienced as a coach, you’re able to pull it out. What I did guys listening to this is I put together a worksheet that will walk you through some of the stuff Tim and I will talk about, stick around to the end of the podcast, I’ll tell you exactly where you can get this worksheet. So you can go through and work through these exercises. Not exactly in the order that I’m giving them right now, or Tim and I are talking about, but it’ll give you a workbook-type feel, so coaching on yourself, right? So Tim and I will be remote coaching you, so you have opportunities to stick around to the end of this podcast, this episode. And I’ll give you the URL, you can grab it, and you can do this work yourself, guys. And get to where Tim did because where you got man was perfect. You’re able to feel and your reaction when you said, Oh, you know what, that guy in “This is us.” The passion that came out of you? That is what we’re talking about here. That embodiment. Because when you and I agree with you, when you think of that guy, as a husband, and as a father, I mean, jeez, Louise, the father, it’s amazing. As a husband, you start to look at within that character an idealized version of what a great husband you want to be, right? Because you’re not picking someone who’s a drunk who’s abusive, or all these things that you don’t want to become, we pick somebody naturally, that has attributes and qualities that we probably already possess but also attributes and qualities that we want to accentuate within ourselves, attributes and qualities that we would like a little bit more of. Often, we think about this, the Ideal Husband, I have this, I have a similar thing to you. And most of the guys that we coach are like, Huh, Who is that? Who could that be? And then, we come down to a character level, and we can start looking at these attributes and coming to phase two. So the next phase is, as you look at these attributes you’re going through, it’s kind of like, wherein your current life and your sphere of influence in the way you’re acting, showing up the way you’re being. Right? Do you get to sprinkle in some of these attributes? And with that being said, we’ll use, you know, the law that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. We’ll just also talk about attributes, right? You can’t just add more in without taking some away. So, you know, we’ll play a little bit with me here, Tim, because I know you’re perfect as a partner. But let’s just say you weren’t, hypothetically speaking, right? So you’re going to have to play along with this and make-believe.
Tim Matthews 8:05
it’s going to be hard.
Doug Holt 8:06
I know it’s going to be hard for you, man. I know,
Tim Matthews 8:08
Do I think I can do it, Doug? I don’t want to go there.
Doug Holt 8:11
That’s going to be easy for me. Trust me. And I’ll share mine, and I’m happy to. But what are some of those qualities or attributes this character has that you’d like to replace with a few of yours? So which of those attributes would you like to replace? I’ll give you an example for me. One of the things that I would like to replace the take away for is to do less of it. Another way of thinking I like to reduce this or do less of this is getting reactionary with my wife. So an example would be when my wife approached me yesterday. Hey, I want $800 to start another business. Right? This is not her first venture into multi-level marketing businesses. And my natural gut reaction was like, What the fuck? What’s going to be different now? Like, why don’t you just blah blah? But not to be as reactionary. Not to have that reaction. Now, I didn’t say that. Not that time. Eventually, we had a conversation. But not to have that initial reaction come from a place of if this just pure joy. And if this is going to fill you up, then absolutely, we have the money. It’s not an issue. Just go for it. So that’s one for me. What about you, Tim?
Tim Matthews 9:31
It was the one that I said, the reason why I’m looking at this was this character, Jack. It’s like it gets me so passionate because it’s a trait that I admire about him. So it excites me about the possibilities for me. Should I be able to replicate that more in my own life? So yeah, I think I’m good. I’ve got a lot better. I didn’t use to understand what was going on when Amelia would have a moment. And we didn’t know what was going on. I’ve got a lot better been able to hold that space and understand what’s going on for her. And where I could take it a step further, and these kinds of situational as well, right? Where I could take a step further thinking about his character is how he does it. So not only does he calm down and make her feel calm, but he then passes through that moment into real leadership of, Hey, I get what you’re feeling, I understand why. But this is the reality, and this is what’s going to happen now. And the way that he does it in such a simple, succinct, calm, confident, loving, where the tonality is used is just fantastic. So I expect to have rather lines for that guy. I’d love to meet him. Because clearly, he knows what he’s talking about. I’m sure he’s rolled off. He tells him that you have to edit it once. So you have to get acted out any more than once it hit on the head the first time. Yeah, that’s the one I take.
Doug Holt 11:21
Awesome. The question was, what attribute would you take away or do less of
Tim Matthews 11:28
Do less of it? This is similar to what you said. Reaction or the other one is kind of a tie—not being present. It’s when I don’t do the decompression of the work. I go down, and I’m just there, but I’m not always there.
Doug Holt 11:50
Sneaking away sending your mistress across the United States.
Tim Matthews 11:54
Yeah, voxers, whispering Doug! Amilia shouted at me right now. I have to go it’s 10 o’clock.
Doug Holt 12:03
I really shouldn’t be sending any more messages, Doug. I said I’d be off my phone—one more thing.
Tim Matthews 12:12
Three more things later.
Doug Holt 12:16
It’s the life of an entrepreneur, man. So I get that all too well. So when you think, guys, about building this Ideal Husband, I propose to you and you to Tim that you cannot recognize these things within Jack unless they were already within you.
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing? Like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
So when we think about what is the Ideal Husband, and again, guys, there is a worksheet that we’re going to give you. I’ll give you the URL at the end of the podcast. So you guys can go through and work through these things. But when you look at Jack, and you look at the fact that, hey, these are things I’d rather do, I’d rather hold Amelia, your partner, up on more of a pedestal, not a pedestal of need. But a pedestal of respect and love, right. And admiration is the word I’ll use. And it’s mutual admiration, Jack commands and commands the family’s leadership, leads the family, and a lot of the stuff that Jack possesses are things that we teach in The Activation Method, which are entry-level courses, you guys can get this kind of naturally. So with that being said, Guys, if you have these attributes already inside of you, then it means something is holding you back. There is something, and I’ll use me as an example here in a second. There’s something that’s holding you back from accentuating these. Now for most of us, it’s optics, right? Because we don’t think like this, right? We haven’t gone through exercises like this to think, Oh, you know, what, if I hold my partner up with this level of respect and admiration, first and foremost, I would be an ideal husband. Or my wife would probably respond well to that, and if she doesn’t, certainly other women are watching. They’re always watching and a lot of times for that. It’s like, Hey, I’ll do that when my wife does it. I’ll do this when Amelia shows me respect, and admiration looks up to me, treats me like the man consistently that I deserve to be treated as, but there also can be other things that are holding us back from other stories. But it starts with diving into this idea of what are the attributes this guy has. Because I know you and I have talked about this before, it’s him in some of the ideas of some of the new programs that we’re developing, for The Powerful Man for the guys, and new training we’re releasing in The Brotherhood. But it’s this idea of like, Yeah, but is it authentic? Is it authentically me? In other words, said a different way for you if this character Jack, if you start doing the things that Jack is doing? Is it authentically, Tim? Or are you being a fake fraud in authenticity and imposter? And the truth is, you’re not right because you wouldn’t recognize these things within Jack unless they were already inside of you. No more is this a fake or fraud than if all of a sudden you started exercising? And taking care of your physical health? Your body? I know you already do this, Tim, but your physical body, your health for someone to say, Ah, you’re a fraud, you’re like Doug, you’re working out. You’re like this person on a fitness cover of Fitness magazine, whatever, and there’s no more fraud. You’re bettering yourself. And people don’t say that. They say, Wow, you look great. You’re taking care of your health, and you should be doing that. Now, this is this exercise in the worksheet I’m talking about. This is taking care of your health differently. This is your internal health. This is you taking care of the man you know you already are or want to be or show up more. And that is where the paradigm change, I think, comes in handy.
Tim Matthews 16:32
Yeah, I think it’s a great point, the idea of being authentic, because it’s an important point as well, right? Because if I introduce this, well, if I use Jack as inspiration, I agree with him for seeing Jack because I see it exists, right? It’s, but we accept that reality. So and then if I use Jack as inspiration to accentuate what was already there inside of me, I might use Jack in the beginning, I might use a little bit of how Jack does it just to get me going to give me that little bit of belief just. But then for you to turn into something that is going to be long term. Yeah, you’ve got to find your groove with it as well, for sure. So I think letting go of that story of Hey, I’ve been like, I can’t copy somebody or whatever I’ve been a fake or fraud. You do not. And also at the same time, I’m sure guys listen to this, I’m sure in areas of your life, people are looking at you, and admiring certain things about you, and taking aspects of you to be able to develop and grasp aspects of themselves. Now you guys are in positions of leadership. So I’m sure that’s true, whether it’s your staff, whether it’s the community, whatever, right? So, you know, what would you say if you found out that somebody was doing them? Would you call them fraud? Or would you be flattered? Chances are, you’d be flattered. Yeah. Wow. Thank you. That’s, that’s amazing. I think you’ve come down hard and say, Stop doing that. That’s me. That’s my way of doing it. So the point I’m making is you can really if that didn’t even cross your mind what that was saying, as an easy way for you to reframe, that’s a huge compliment, and use it as well. Maybe take some of how Doug communicates? How Doug is with Erin takes some of that. Let me do it in a way that Doug does it. In the beginning, he’s given examples of how to use an emergency technique. For example, maybe you do it. Doug’s keep doing it? Because then you might run the risk of her saying, pulling some performance bullshit on me. Because we’ve had similar lives there, which is fun. But yeah, take it and then find your way.
Doug Holt 18:59
Yeah, I think this is an interesting topic to talk about. Because this came up when you and I talked about it last week, I think it was maybe it was over the weekend with your whispers into the voice notes that you’re sending me. But the way I look at this, Tim, is there’s no difference in taking Jack right and going through this worksheet that we’re giving to these guys. Taking that character or whatever character you come up with, the guys in The Brotherhood, we kind of pose this question, and we had some really interesting comments on the character they chose and the reasons they’re all over the board. There were some similarities, but they were all over the board. And there’s no difference between taking this character and applying these attributes, or at least looking at the attributes because they give you a lens through which to look. Then there is looking at reading David Goggins book or something like that. We had a guy we had heard of. I was talking to him the other day. And he was saying, Yeah, I went for a run, and I was getting ready to stop. And I was like, you know, what? What would David Goggins do? So instead of doing a 5k, I did a 10k. Right? There’s no difference. There is no difference.
Tim Matthews 20:15
Yeah, I agree.
Doug Holt 20:15
Inspiration from somebody that you look up to, that you strive to be. I think what we get we, as men, can get caught up in is why we don’t want to be a fake, a fraud, and an imposter. And there’s some concern about what other people are going to say about me, right? If all of a sudden I start changing the way I’m being? What are they going to think? What are they going to say? Look, if you have people around you, we’re going to criticize and critique you for taking care of your health. If you start cleaning your diet up, you stop drinking as much, you start exercising, and that will happen, right? It just does. It’s the crabs in the bucket. Right? If you guys don’t know that story we talked about a lot in this podcast in the show if you don’t know it if you put a bunch of crabs in the bucket, one tries to escape and crawl its way out of the bucket. The other crabs pull it back in, right? It’s the same thing with human nature. So if you’re taking care of your health, and you got people saying that you shouldn’t, or giving you a hard time, that one is you should cut those toxic people out. Two, there’s nothing different than acting like a better man and being nicer. Is it just a basic example? Something I strive to do and something I can work on, it’s just nicer. And there’s nothing wrong with that’s not a sign of weakness, to be nicer. Just be a nicer human, and people are going to critique you for being nicer. Again, what they’re critiquing is not you being nicer. It’s their attitude within themselves. Right? They’re really scared about who they’re being and who they’re becoming. The third thing is, you might get shit tests, right? We call it also called a fitness test, or shit tests and in the dating world, but basically, someone’s going to push back like, Alright, Tim, you’re putting me on a pedestal, you’re treating me like a million bucks. I love this admiration. Are you giving me? When’s it going to stop? Right? So your wife or your woman might start testing you on this to see if this is real? Is this real? I don’t know. And she’s testing the resiliency to see if this is you. At first, it might be a little difficult, right? We have old ways of being. I’m 40. I’m turning 44 this month, Tim. I expect a great gift from you. I’m turning 44 this month. So I’ve been doing this way of being Doug for 44 years, or whenever I started getting ingrained. And so you gotta take some time to change those habits and ways of being here. And these are things to consider when you’re going through this worksheet that I’m talking about.
Tim Matthews 22:44
It’s scary to think it’s been 44 years, and you’ve been ingrained in this way of being Doug.
Doug Holt 22:52
I know.
Tim Matthews 22:54
Guys, you do get the worksheet because I think this is such a great opportunity to unpack many lies and myths. I think I called a lot of them back from being great husbands and just being grabbed back to the end of the day. Interestingly, one of the rail advisors was actually on the last episode, wasn’t it? Right? Yes, it was people who were the guys yesterday. And it was who came into The Activation Method. And he was sharing the same thing. How, hey, look, everyone expects me to be this cell. When I’ve got said standing in the community, it’s a small town. Everyone kind of knows my business. And it kills me to know that deep down, and I’m not that guy. I’m not the husband that people think I am. I’m not the father that people think I happen to be famous but a bit hard in itself. But we are all competing for sure. And at the same time, the shame that was building up within him from comparing himself could be eradicated just by going through this exercise and just making it easy on himself to pull out those parts of him that already do that and that’s the painful thing for this guy. He knows those parts of him that he didn’t know those parts of him would then that he wouldn’t be experiencing any stress or struggle with this.
Doug Holt 24:25
Yeah, that’s exactly right. So guys, what I’m going to invite you to do is do this exercise, right, take some time, we always talk about doing the work. Right. Now we’re giving you a workbook, which you can do from just a worksheet, right. It’s very simple, nothing complex here, guys, but it’s actually going to take you through a guided process, so if you want to get that, it’ll be available right now. If you go over toThePowerfulMan.com/IdealHusband. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/IdealHusband. You can go ahead and download the worksheet but make sure you just fill it out. Take some time, and You saw Tim Tim had been a gifted coach for a long time. And his initial reaction was the same as mine, and every guy is when you go through the exercise you’re like, Huh, I don’t know. But when you go through the work, you’ll start going out. And if you watch this on YouTube, you’ll see Tim just light upright when he talks about this character. He just lit up, and his energy changed; his body shifted at a cellular level. And that’s important to know guys what happens with you. That’s why this exercise is going to be so important. Also, guys, we still have the reignite cheat sheet over there at ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus that is going down next week. So this is released the week we are taking it away. It is going down, and it will be replaced. I’ll let you guys know what will be coming up, but we will no longer have the reignite cheat sheet`. So if you haven’t gotten it and just want to have it for your repertoire, your library, you got to get it right now. It’s my last warning on this. I’m not even going to say it in the next podcast. Just make sure you get it. So if you haven’t heard it, I want you to get that, but this worksheet is at ThePowerfulMan.com/IdealHusband. As always, guys, we want you to have an amazing week. Make sure you’re taking action and stepping into the man that we know you are. We’ll see you next time.
