Episode #700
Have you ever found yourself tiptoeing around your partner, afraid to express your feelings or desires, just to avoid upsetting them?
Do you feel like you’re treating your partner like your mother, seeking approval and permission for everything you do?
If so, you’re not alone, the phenomenon of men unintentionally turning their lovers into their mothers isn’t uncommon. And it has a negative impact on relationships, from lack of intimacy to frustration and stress.
Break the cycle by taking on the role of a leader, expressing your feelings and desires confidently, and not being afraid to make decisions.
In this episode, we’ll delve into this common issue that many men face in their relationships.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Tim Matthews 00:44
Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of the Powerful Man Show. I’m joined today with the wonderful King Arthur, Mr. Magoulianiti. As you heard in the previous episode, he’s one of the amazing team members. He’s been involved in the movement for six years, played a massive part in what the movement is today. Heads up the Inner Circle. One of the master coaches in the brotherhood helps us deliver fantastic in person events. I could go on and on, but I will not because I don’t want this to bite me in the ass later on when he reminds me of all these wonderful compliments. How you doing, brother?
Arthur Magoulianiti 01:19
I’m good, thank you. I’m good. I’m good. What’s happening?
Tim Matthews 01:23
Nice. Dougie Fresh. For those of you that are wondering, where is he? And wishing he was here instead of me, I don’t blame you. But he is driving across the US. So he set off on a road trip last Tuesday. So it is now ten days ago since he set off and he left the West Coast. He left the TPM ranch at Oregon and he’s driven across the US into Canada, down into New York, catching up with a lot of the men, their wives, their families, who have so kindly offered to share their experience with TPM. And he’s had the wonderful opportunity of going and meeting all of those amazing families. And the pictures as they’re coming in are just awesome. Just seeing this road trip.
Arthur Magoulianiti 02:14
Lucky guy!
Tim Matthews 02:16
If he was here, I think he’d agree. But it also tell you about the 12 hours a day of driving. Yeah, fair play. I mean, that guy, his dedication to the movement is second to none. Anyway, King Arthur, you had a wonderful topic for us to dive into. When you told me what this would be, I winced with joy, quite frankly, because I know this is going to hit the mark for a lot of the listeners. Even we know some of the men are in the movement listen as well. So take it away, brother.
Arthur Magoulianiti 02:45
Okay, thank you. Yeah. One of the things that keep coming up is the situation where guys show up in their relationship very tentatively, very apologetically, very as if like, they got to be a good boy in order to get what they want. And obviously this is not going to work out particularly well. But basically what it means and what happens is they kind of trade in their mothers for their partners, but then treat their partners like their mothers, and that results in them. And how that plays out is what I said. They show up apologetically, they tiptoe around their partners. They don’t want to piss off inverted commas, the mother. They want to be the good boy.
And that’s just a nightmare for the relationship. It ain’t going to work. Because without getting crude here, the energy between that arrangement is completely wrong, right? Why would the mother have intimate connections with the son, right? And that’s what it actually boils down to. That kind of, what would you call it, a misconnection energetic mess. But what happens is the guy now is very, very apologetic. As I say, he tiptoes around, he’s asking for permission to do things like a little boy. And yeah, it’s just not going to work. It’s just not going to work.
And I see it very often, quite often, that I thought this is going to be a great subject to talk about. Because when a lot of guys don’t even realize they’re in it and doing it until you tell them, and when they see it, straight away, they know exactly what you’re talking about, right? Because it’s like one of these subconscious programs that is just playing out in front of them. They’re a victim of it, but they don’t even realize it.
Tim Matthews 04:47
So we are now on podcast episode 700. This is a 700th episode. So we did an episode called are You Making Your Lover Your Mother? All the way back on episode…
Arthur Magoulianiti 05:04
Ohh wow!
Tim Matthews 05:05
38. That’s years ago. Yeah, it’s such a relevant subject. I love that you bring it up because that’s how long we’ve been talking about it, right? 38. Must have been, god, years ago. I don’t even know when, but a long, long time ago. And we’re still talking about it because we’re still seeing it, right? We see these guys, like you said, that do tiptoe around their wives that don’t want to ruffle feathers, don’t want to piss them off, that ask for permission, basically. That leave their clothes lying around and wait for the wife to pick them up. That make these requests of the wife, I’m tired, can you go do this for me? Or can you do that? Can you do that? That just basically turn this person into their mother.
Whether it’s leaving the clothes around, whether it’s leaving the dirty dishes around, whether it’s
Arthur Magoulianiti 05:55
Asking permission.
Tim Matthews 05:56
Asking permission is a big one. Not taking care of things they say they’re going to take care of. And as a result, it then leaves the wife to have to basically make the decision. Right? Funny enough, there’s a guy that we spoke with yesterday about joining the Activation Method. He was saying how he wanted to get respect from his wife. He wanted to have respect and admiration from his wife. But he was also saying how when he came home from work, he was so tired from work that he didn’t want to make any decisions, any decisions whatsoever. So he left all the decision making up to the wife, right? She’d ask him questions and he just didn’t have the capacity, so he’d push it back to her. Right?
So work, he’s this leader, he’s leading people who’s making decisions, who’s been an A player, right, been an alpha, walks in through the door and just reverts from alpha to beta. And guess who becomes the alpha? His wife. And as a result, he then begins to follow his wife’s lead. So he’s wanting respect and admiration. Everything he’s doing is going to get the absolute opposite. She’s not going to respect him, she’s definitely not going to admire him.
Yeah, he may make the money, but she doesn’t care about that. She cares about having a guy with her and next to her that she’s connected to and that she can rely on for his leadership, his safety, essentially, right? But it’s so easy for guys to fall into this trap and as a result, like you said, sex is way off the table, that is out the window, that’s gone. She doesn’t want to have sex with you. And what’s worse is often the guys then get frustrated when she doesn’t want to have sex with them.
Why would the mother want to have sex with the son? It’s just not at all attractive. And then sometimes when they do have sex, that’s even worse because then they have sex out of obligation. The guy knows it, he can feel it from her, but he does it anyway often because he just wants to get laid. Totally get it. Doesn’t feel good to her and it puts her off doing it again. It just creates this vicious cycle.
Arthur Magoulianiti 08:22
Yeah. The other thing I see as a disadvantage of this approach and a problem is that the guys themselves invalidate their feelings and their desires. They don’t consider them because they don’t want to piss off their partners, right? And so they actually scared to talk about what they want. They scare to show up and express the desires, what they want to do, because they don’t want to get into trouble. Right? And so they don’t say anything, they don’t talk about it. And yeah, it’s a sad state of affairs.
Tim Matthews 09:11
So what advice would you give? Let’s say there’s a guy listening to this, he’s fallen into this trap, right? What advice would you give him to get out of it?
Arthur Magoulianiti 09:21
Well, I think number one is obviously become aware of if you’ve been playing out in this scenario, right? If that is the energy that you’ve been showing up. The other thing is you got to realize that what you want, your desires and all of that, your feelings, they are valid, right? You’re human being, they are valid, you get to express them, right? Not ignore them because the other person is going to get upset, right? So you have to have the confidence, the belief in yourself that you deserve to have your feelings heard and validated and your desires met, right? Okay. Obviously mutually accepted from conversations and everything and all of that caveat, but not ignore them and not to be scared to talk about them because of what’s going to come back.
And then, yeah, as Tim alluded to earlier on, you’ve got to step up as the leader in that relationship. You’re not the little boy anymore, you’re the man. And so what does that mean? What does it mean to be a leader? Well, it means you get to make decisions around the house, you get to make things happen around the house, what needs doing. You get to step up and do those things, not waiting for somebody else, I e the mother to take care of things around the house that you know, need doing but can’t be bothered to step up and do. It like light bulbs burnt out for weeks. I’m not going to change it. Someone will change it. Someone will pick up the clothes, someone will take out the rubbish, someone will do all of the stuff.
But angelskin, you are that someone and that’s part of your role as a leader. And so if you’re not going to do that, then you can’t expect to get anything from your partner. So step up as leader, but make sure that you are holding firm on what it is that you want and express your feelings as well. A lot of guys just feel like they can’t do that. They’re not allowed to do that. Of course you’re allowed.
Tim Matthews 11:33
I love that. Yeah. Start small, guys. Start small. Start tidying up after yourself. Put your plate in the dishwasher instead of on the side. Rinse it before it goes in the dishwasher. Pick your clothes up after yourself. Put your clothes into wash. Just bring these little things, these little leaks that you have. Plug the little leaks, right? Just start to bring things to completion. Even in the small ways, she’s going to notice that you’re doing this. Don’t make a big song and dance about it, just start to clean up after yourself, right?
If you don’t have your ARS in place, get your ARS in place. ARS is the Alpha Rise and Shine. It’s one of the tools that we give the men in the Activation Method. It’s what a lot of the men rely on in the movement, even guys that have been with us for four years. It’s a key pillar in setting your day up for success. It’ll give you the energy, right, to be able to go about the day and bring these things to completion. But regardless, start small, pick up after yourself, pick up your clothes, your dishes, put them in a dish, whatever it may be, right?
And then you have to change that paradigm of, I’m too tired to make decisions when I get home. I get it, Arthur gets it. Yes, it’s tiring for making decisions all day, and yes, you may walk in through the door and get asked some questions that you think are just ridiculous, that you don’t need to answer, and surely she could have answered them herself. But the fact that she’s asking you for an opinion is a great sign. That’s a really good sign, because she is defaulting to your leadership in that moment. She’s seeing you as a leader and she’s giving you an opportunity to lead. So just have an opinion.
If you get it wrong, cool, but just have an opinion, make a decision, right? It doesn’t need to be perfect, but just have an opinion, make a decision, and if it’s wrong, cool. Well, that’s your opinion. Own it to Arthur’s point, your feelings, your emotions, your experience, it’s valid. Right? Now, the other thing you can do, and this is one of the tools we give the men in the Activation Method, it’s the Alpha Decompression. So what you can do at the end of the day now, some guys choose to do this on the drive home from the office, some guys choose to do it when they get home before they walk in through the door. But the purpose of the Alpha Decompression is to basically sign off your work day, refocus yourself for the evening ahead, set an intention for the evening ahead and stack your wins for the work day as well.
By the way, that’s important. And prioritize the following day so you can close that loop. Personally, for me, I like to turn my phone off. My phone goes off around 08:00 p.m., doesn’t come on again till 08:00 a.m., because I’ve learned if I keep it on, I’m going to go on it. I just — I’ve tried flight mode, I’ve tried all sorts of things. Doesn’t work for me. I’ve figured, hey, if there’s an emergency, people will call Amelia. There’s not going to be emergency at work, it’ll be with the family, they’ll call Amelia. So my phone goes off, that’s when I’m doing really well, my phone’s off.
But that helps, right? But the alpha decompression, just going back to that. Once you’ve signed off today, stacked the wins, prioritize tomorrow, that’s where you then want to get into a good state. Whether you do breathing, you could do box breathing. Breathing in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. You could do WIM HOF Breathing, you could have a cold shower, you could go for a jog, you could go for a walk. There’s all sorts of things you could do that don’t take very long. These can be done within ten minutes max. A jog? Yeah. You could sprint, you could do all sorts for ten minutes. Right?
Reminds me of a famous, I say a famous story that Doug often shares about a friend of his. When he used to live in Santa Barbara, he used to very successful businessman. He’d arrive home from work and the door would be locked and his trainers would be on the outside and his wife would only let him in the house once he’d been for a run. What a technique. So he’d go for a run, he’d come back and have a great evening, right? It’d shift his step. You get energy from doing these things.
So you have to if you’re experiencing this issue of making basically your wife, your mother, your lover, your mother and you’re aware of it, this is resonating with you. You have to break the pattern. You just have to get out of the story that you’re too tied to make decisions. That has to end, right? Alpha Decompression controlling your state is a great way and the other thing that comes to mind is using triggers we’ve spoken in the past, right, whether you might work from home and that’s a blessing and a curse, as a lot of you will know.
One thing that I like to do is I change my clothes when I finish my workday. Change them, get out of the certain things I wear for my workday into something more relaxing. Doug has a sign above his office. When he walks out of the office, it says playtime. When he walks into the office, it says game time. So he taps it if he’s coming in, taps it for game time, gets into focus mode for work, if he’s on his way out, taps it for playtime. There’s lots of different things you can do. The Alpha Decompression can be an anchor in itself.
And the fact that you’re going to set an intention for how you want evening to go and the role you’re going to play and how you are going to be a leader that evening and how you are going to have an opinion how you are going to make decisions and how you are going to tidy up after yourself and how you are going to be consistent with your bedtime and how you are going to do all these things. Typically you’re going to find ways to live into that.
You have to break the cycle of making your lover your mother because you think it’s the easiest thing to do and you think it’s what she wants. She doesn’t, she doesn’t want it. She would much rather you lead and get it wrong than you be passive. Much rather you lead and get it wrong and she’ll shit test you if you get it wrong but she’d much rather you lead and get it wrong than be passive. Anything else on this topic, Arthur?
Arthur Magoulianiti 17:46
Yeah, I think you just said it know you got to choose to be active instead of passive, right? If you passive, that’s a slippery slope. You’ve got to be active. You’ve got to take the leadership role. You’ve got to step up and you’ve got to be firm in what you believe, in what you want, and be able to express that and have it validated from the other person, you know. Otherwise, what’s the point of being in a relationship? You’re obviously not getting what you want running this program, and clearly, she’s not getting what she wants.
Tim Matthews 18:18
There isn’t a relationship in that scenario. Like the previous podcast episode when we said thwarted sorry, unmet expectations and thwarted communication. That scenario. A relationship doesn’t exist in that scenario. Just frustration and stress. Same here. No one’s winning. This is where you become a roommate with a ring. Great point!
Okay, like Dougie Fresh always says, at the moment of insight, take massive action. Mr. Magoo, thank you for being here. I love that you brought this topic. It’s a great one. Definitely one that I think people will resonate with. And, guys, thank you for being here. It means a lot that you’re listening to this with us. So until next time, have a fantastic day. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
