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Revisit: Reignite Your Sex Life

Episode #194

Working with hundreds of men, we have found that many of them are struggling with their sex lives….but don’t talk about it with anyone.

How can you reignite the spark and really get your sex life back to where you want it to be?

That’s what we dive into in the episode…

Many men have this secret problem to the point in their marriage where they use PORN instead of having sex with their wives or partner.

It is really easy to go into that position because men are so used to working hard in their business or jobs, making decisions all day, to provide for their families.

So many people demanding so much of you that by the time you come home, you’re so exhausted. Hence, you don’t have the energy to connect with your wife.

In the same manner, your wife may also feel the same since she’s so exhausted from working around the house, taking care of your children, doing the chores, etc. It’s really a tough situation to be in.

When things go unsaid and things get avoided, it can easily create a void in your relationship and get out of sync, sexually. And before you know it, you easily turn to porn because that’s the easier option instead of you giving the effort to seduce your wife and make love with her.

There are three things you could do about it.

Either one, do nothing about it and settle or two, you leave the relationship because, in your mind, the problem has gone way too far. But usually, what happens is that you just take the same problem to that new relationship and you end up leaving again. And option three, is you do the work. You see what’s going on and you address it.

What we talk about in this episode will not be an overnight fix. You get to remember that every relationship is like a bank account. You got to keep making deposits in order to make a withdraw. Invest in your relationship and take action. It’s never too late to do it unless you take action now.


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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews 0:00  

When things go unsaid, and things get avoided, it can quite easily create this void between man and wife, and they just fall out of sync with one another sexually. Before they know it, like so many of them, tellers end up just turning to pawn because it’s an easier option than figuring out how to reignite their sex life.

Doug Holt 0:23  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s up, brother?

Tim Matthews 0:41  

It’s such a great way to start the show. Every time it gets us, I’m doing great.

Doug Holt 0:47  

It’s fun now because we haven’t done video typically transparently, so we can’t see each other when we do the show. Recently, because of poor internet connection, both of us travel a lot and live the lifestyle. But it’s fun to make that announcement now, which may be the first time I’ve done it when I can see your face and your actual reaction, like walking around like you’re getting ready for a fight on the rig. It’s cool.

Tim Matthews 1:14  

Yeah, it is.

Doug Holt 1:16  

Cool Tim, what I want to talk about today is something that many of the guys ask, or it takes them a while to get to it, but how to reignite your sex life? That’s a topic that I think all men are interested in, well, one, how do I better it? But, if things haven’t been going wrong with your partner, how do you reignite that spark? And get your sex life back to where you want it to be?

Tim Matthews 1:40  

Great question, he’s one of them. As you said, the men were coming into the program. It’s funny because so many of them almost have this seek, this solid little secret that they’ve usually reached a point in their marriage. They often would rather use porn instead of having sex with the wife, usually because, at that point, they have almost turned into their relationship that is this insurmountable obstacle, if you will. I get it, and I can understand it’s so easy to end up in that position. You go to work, and you work hard; you are busy making decisions all day. So many people demand so much of you that, understandably, the guys are just exhausted by the time you come home. They just sometimes don’t have it in them to be able to connect with the wife. They want to, they love her, they want to be able to connect with her. But sometimes, they’re just not able to. They don’t have the energy or the tools, especially when they walk into the home after a long day’s work. The kids are screaming, the kids are shouting, and more jobs are getting thrown at them after they’ve just been making decisions all day. The wife’s been left with the kids all day as well. So she’s; usually, she’s kind of had enough by that point, too. It’s a tough situation to be in. over time when things go unsaid and things get avoided, it can quite easily create this void between man and wife, and they just fall out of sync with one another sexually. Before they know it, like so many tellers, they end up just turning to pawn because it’s an easier option than figuring out how to reignite their sex life. It’s such a key aspect because there are two options. You either will have three options. The first one is you do nothing and continue as you are. Option number two is that you end up just leaving the relationship or even settling. Still, I guess that’s option number one, you leave it, and you settle, do nothing and settle rather. Option number two is to leave the relationship because you’re telling yourself a story of the relationship that is just too far gone. But then usually what will happen is you will take the same problems into another relationship, and you will struggle to get beyond that point. The same issues will arise at similar points. Option number three is you do the work, you see what’s going on, and you address it, and it’s not an overnight fix, is it? As you often educate me on some of the work you’ve done, they’re going to, and it’s enlightening. As masked men, we can often get so focused on the action and the result that we almost expect an immediate payout. But the relationship is kind of like a bank account. You’ve got to keep making deposits to be able to make a withdrawal. Otherwise, if you try and make a withdrawal that’s too big or too soon, you end up going overdrawn. That’s not a good place to be.

Doug Holt 5:31  

No, not at all. You nailed it. Yeah, even now, today, I come home sometimes. I only have one child, my wife’s like, here, take them, he’s been a tear all day, I need a break. As men, as we come back, especially as our business owners have been successful, we spend a whole day making decisions, being authoritative or assertive in moving the needle, and we get home. That can rise in conflict often, which creates distance. You look at your partner, you’re like, well, I’ll show her I’m going to pull away, so she runs to me, and therefore, I get love and validation. So you push your partner away a little bit, and if you’re your partner strong, they’re also going to get a little scared, they’re going to recoil, and they push, and that creates distance. That gap between one day turns into one week. It turns into a pattern of one month, and you slowly put a little mud on the mirror or the glass between you and get further apart. As you get further apart, it becomes your norm. that relationships can turn into roommates. Did you do the dishes? Do you take out the trash, things like that? For us guys that are a little more on the Alpha side, it’s hard to digest and give in. Turning to porn for many men. A lot of guys are listening to this. That’s easy. I can’t remember the exact number, Tim, but it’s something like, it’s crazy. I’m making this up. But I’m pretty close to something; around 60% of internet searches are porn-related, which is huge. That’s billions of searches going down every week that are porn-related because it’s an easy escape. Because you don’t have to risk anything, there’s no risk of rejection, and there’s no risk of feeling ashamed because you come too early, or you can’t get it up or whatever it is. Or for some guys who have confided in us, it’s the risk that your wife wants it more than you do. Maybe you’re a little older, and your libido, your testosterone, has gone down. If your wife’s younger, or hers hasn’t, but it’s the story we create around society that happens. When we get that story in our head that we should be better in bed, have more sex, and be x, y, z. That story builds this distance that creates almost like a water blanket that goes over our sex life. So instead of reigniting or igniting that spark, what we’re doing is constantly putting it out. Then we go, screw it, I’m just going to go to Pornhub, You-Porn, whatever site you want to go to. I’m just going to get my fix. Five minutes later, or whatever it may be, you’re off and running. Then you have even more distance between you and your partner because now your partner doesn’t feel wanted. So it’s a deadly cycle that we can get in as men. But that’s kind of the accepted cycle in modern society right now.

Tim Matthews 8:44  

What were those sites you mentioned again, let me just write them down.

Doug Holt 8:48  

There’ll be in the show notes. I thought I got it from you. But anyway.

Tim Matthews 8:53  

It’s fascinating. Because, in my opinion, the first approach to this has nothing to do with sex. The first way that if you want to reignite your sex life, you have to focus on being present in the relationship without one getting anything in return. Because if you want to go and be present in a relationship, so you can then get laid, is he keeping score? It’s going to be transactional, and if you then don’t get what you want, subconsciously, whether you know it or not, you’re going to mark that one down, okay well, I added this, and I didn’t get led, so that’s okay. Tomorrow night has two nights, and so then by the end of the week, it all comes up, comes over, no pun intended coming out. In some argument of an often and the partner doesn’t know where it’s come from, no pun intended. So the biggest shifts that we see for in the relationship, so the men that come out of The Alpha Reset, always happen, when they’re able to go home, look the woman in the eye, be present, be there and engage with her, re-prioritize their life, that sounds so big, doesn’t it? But all that means is them realizing that you know what, there’s more to life than business. There’s more to life than making money. There’s a woman here that I love who is with me, not for the money or the business, but she’s with me, because of X, Y, Z reason, they get back in touch with why they were with this woman in the first place. If you think about when you first got together with your partner and your sex life, well, you may have been very different. That wasn’t because you were trying to get led, I bet anywhere, I bet she is because you are so present in the relationship having so much fun putting effort. You’re investing into it, and you’re making deposits into the bank account, just like when the men come to us and say that they have a problem in their business, they’ve got a problem with their sales. But when you dive into it, the problem has nothing to do with sales. But instead, it’s got everything to do with the focus, what they’re focusing on every day that they’re lacking focus. So the result that shows up in our leadership and sales drop, but they think they have a sales problem. So try and solve it by focusing more on sales, but it just doesn’t work. It all starts with the business owner, and it’s the same with your sex life and the relationship. You may think that sex is the problem, but really, that’s just a symptom. Usually, it’s the symptom of a problem of just disconnecting.

Doug Holt 12:18  

So true. What if you approach it a little differently? So guys, if you find yourself in this situation. Well, you just want it; you’re ready to reignite your sex life; you want more sex? You’re not even if you’re not sure if your partner does or not. They’ve decided, look, I will be the leader in my family, I’m going to be the leader of my relationship. I’m going to take charge. So how do you reignite your sex life? Tim, why don’t you start and give a couple of tips, then I’ll go back and forth. We can give these guys some ideas. 

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Tim Matthews 13:32  

Okay, so we’ve spoken about this a lot. But I think the first thing is, you’ve got to know the love language of your partner, you just have, and it may change over time. Amelia and I did ours a few weeks ago. Hers was different from what it was a couple of years ago. She was surprised by it, and so was I. Suppose I was one trying to connect with her in the way that I was and give her love and show her love in the way that she wants to receive it. But if it’s changed, then I’m not going to be hitting the mark. Straight away, there’s going to be a disconnect. So the first thing you’ve got is another love language. The second thing we should do is know that love language is all about showing that and doing it without keeping score without wanting or expecting anything in return. Do it because you truly want to do it because you truly want the best for your partner. You truly love her, and she isn’t a business problem. So she doesn’t want to be solved. She doesn’t want you to come home on an evening with the same problem-solving mentality that you’ve been going through the day with a plan to grow your business. That isn’t who she is. So you’ve got to be able to switch off and decompress, which is kind of another one, let’s say, but then, give her love in a way that she wants to receive it without keeping score. On top of that, of course, there are some other things you can do to spice up the sex life more geared towards that side of things I imagine that we all get to dive into now took.

Doug Holt 15:20  

You look at me cause I’m laughing, but I think we haven’t gotten there yet. We can do more things to spice up the sex life because it’s an important conversation. Maybe that’s part two of this podcast, and we can do two episodes here. But I still think what you want to do, when we look at women and just assume everybody’s partners, a woman in this scenario, they’re looking for connection, we all are, but especially the connection. Something that I’ve noticed well in my relationships, and when I look at the men, is when we come on, we lose the fun. When you’ve gone to roommate mode. Many of you are going okay; I’m not even in roommate mode, Doug, like I walked by this person, it’s like a bad roommate. They don’t do the dishes. They leave their clothes on the floor. You turn into bad roommates, and whether it’s an adversarial relationship, I think then a couple of tips that I could give you right away. We’ll go back and forth. Because I know Tim, you, and I both have a laundry list here. But one simple one to add to what Time is saying is to do a gratitude practice. To start this off, guys, this is your challenge; I’m going to give it to you right now. Thirty days, first thing in the morning, write down, I love my wife or partner or whatever, for or because, right. Then just thank them for that. It can be simple. Especially when you’re fighting, and it’s a hard one. I love my wife because she takes care of my kids and keeps them alive while I’m at work, whatever it is for you. I can guarantee that after 30 days or somewhere along that journey, your wife will become a better person. Right? She’s not going to change; actually, it’s your perception of her. as your perception of her changes, your energy changes. That’s going to allow her to notice and become more drawn to you, which is the first step in reigniting this sex life. The second tip, I’ll leave you and then Tim, I’ll volley it back in your court. The second thing that I’m going to encourage you to do is to do something I did. I took my boardroom mentality and took it into the bedroom or home life. I decided when I went home that I wanted to be the CFO of my family. Now, when I say CFO, I do not mean the guy watching the family budget, things like that. Not at all. Become the chief fun officer for your family. Make that your job, and you are now the CFO before you walk in the door. Every moment you’re in there, your job is to be the chief fun officer for your family. Imagine what that’s going to change. Giggles, laughter imagine when you remember when you first met your partner, how much you would laugh at silly, stupid jokes or text messages. Whatever it was, bring that spark back into your life into your family into your home, be the chief fun officer of your home, and if you add gratitude, practice. What Tim said, I can guarantee you’re going to start to see that spark reignite quickly.

Tim Matthews 18:19  

It reminds me a lot of one of the men in The Brotherhood, and now I’ll say his name because we’ve interviewed him in the Facebook group for how he did it. Rick and Chelsea, we spoke about those guys on an episode, I think last week, currently they’re in the US, or they may have just got back, and they go out. They’ve been out there renting an RV. They’re on a road trip scouting out locations for a retreat. Rick owns a company in the UK, a cloud-based company does very well, and Chelsea is a solicitor, I think, but they’ve really got in touch with their desire and their vision to one day live, have a retreat center and live by a lake and they’re going out there to scout locations. Rick has embodied this, Rick has really upon returning home from The Alpha Reset in Chelsea’s testimonial, so how I mean, she says he has permitted me to make it safe for me to be me again. Because he’s not walking through the door in the evening, stressed out, and she’s not walking on eggshells, and they do not have arguments over pointless things that before would never have bothered them. Instead, Rick walks through the door as the CFO with a different job for the evening, and she loves it. She isn’t the picture posted in The Brotherhood a week ago with them in the US. They’re just beaming, and it takes the man’s lead to take this kind of role for the woman to then step into it too. Suppose we look at this from a primal anthropological standpoint. Now, women need the safe content of the safe space to the masculine energy around them that they need to feel safe that is there so that they can surrender into it and then be themselves, then they start to blossom, almost like a flower. Now, if that isn’t there, then feel very vulnerable to attack. When I say it isn’t there, that doesn’t mean that the man isn’t there physically. He could be there physically. But if he isn’t there emotionally, then you may not be there because she will still feel that same level of vulnerability in which situation, she will do one of two things. Either she’ll rise and become the alpha, which again kills the sex life anyway, or can be she will fall and become anxious and depressed. Sometimes even seek salvation in the arms of another man who can or is willing to provide that emotional container. Now, when you provide this when you walk through the door, has the CFO and he’s consistent, and you do it without keeping score without expectation, you’re making those deposits? What kind of effect do you think that then has on the woman in your life? Do you think she feels safe to flower then and flourish and be herself? Or do you think she feels vulnerable? And this is primal wiring that is in all of us, as men and women that we experience, we cannot get away from it. It’s there. So it works. Such a great inclusion, Doug has been the CFO. Every time I hear it, it cracks me up and reminds me of how it helps me reflect on it. How am I as a CFO, and who knows, maybe you’re listening to this, and maybe it isn’t for you, maybe you prefer to come in, come home on an evening. Try the hard route and try and focus on reigniting your sex life by buying more sex toys or booking a saucy weekend away or wherever. Cool, if that’s what you want to do and that’s your choice. Awesome. If that’s working for you, keep doing it. However, if it’s not, then you might want to try this other way that, being the CFO that a lot of the men that we work with anyway, in The Brotherhood, they’ve chosen to take up the role, and it’s paying dividends for them—paying dividends quite up for the CFO.

Doug Holt 23:01  

Well, I’ll also say that if it’s working for you, then this doesn’t apply to you. But is it working for you and your partner? I think we should do maybe a two-parter here, Tim. I’ll add one more thing, guys here. There’s so much that we could dive into on this subject. It’s an important one because intimacy is not necessarily sex, but it’s part of it. You’re going to grow closer to your partner. Many people say that intimacy in your sex life is a direct reflection of your financial wealth, which is very important to consider what flows through you. Another thing you can add to this gentleman is, I’d like you to think of what the ideal romantic you would be like, the romantic version of you if you had to sweep your current partner off their feet and take them away from you. How would you do it? Now I know it’s not a fun thing to think about. Nobody’s going to take my partner, my wife, or what have you. But you never know. We see it. We talk to guys all the time. Tim is always talking to guys daily, powerful men like you who, unbeknownst to them, stopped dating their wife and the intimacy fell apart, and they found out that their wife had fallen into the arms of another man. So how would you steal your partner from yourself? Right? What would you do? Would you send her love notes? Would you take her out for a romantic dinner? What would you do? I encourage you to think about this and write it down like a business plan like you would write your goals, the same ferociousness that you would apply to those areas. Apply it to this, and then I’m going to give you one more thing. Then take action. Steal your wife from the former you before somebody else does. Go ahead and date her with wild abandon, right? If you already don’t have a good sex life, you’ve got nothing to lose. Go all in. Share with her your wild fantasies. Trust me, guys. Women in your life are crazier than you think they are. They’re willing to do crazy things with a man they trust, beyond your wildest dreams. There’s probably a step or two ahead there. But date her in such a manner as if you were trying to steal her away. Right? Make her the object of your affection. Right? So you’ve done you figure out her love language, you come home present. You’ve decided to be the CFO of your world, and you’re doing a 30-day gratitude practice. You add this in the dating part. I can guarantee you, and money-back guarantees right now that your sex life will reignite. It will reignite into such a flame. That’ll be almost impossible to put out.

Tim Matthews 25:49  

Gold, absolute gold.

Doug Holt 25:53  

Well, Tim, I think that’s a wrap for us today. So, gentlemen, I encourage you, as always, in the moment of insight to take action, and until next time, we’ll see you on another episode of The Powerful Man show.