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Re-Establishing Your Identity As A Father

Episode #57

We define a father based on how we have seen and experienced growing up as their kids. We have our stories to tell about our fathers both good and bad ones but it is up to us to decide what kind of father we want to be later on. We do not need to re-live the same story, we have our choice to rewrite our own.

As early as now, while they are still young, embrace the opportunity, be in it, live in it, dictate to them, be an alpha. Treat them like real men because they are adults in training but also do not forget to be kind, graceful and forgiving. There will be pleasure and pain throughout the journey but if you have the skillset to recognize the energy that comes with it, you will be able to decide what to do with the energy instead of letting the energy takes over.

Be the model you want your children to follow as they grow old. Write the story that you want your children to talk about someday and be inspired by it. In order to be that version of yourself that you want to show, later on, you must invest in the actions that will get you there.

Be aware, reinforce your identity and take that first step in rewriting your own story.

What you will learn in this episode:

  1. How to be a good father
  2. How to overcome the tornado of fatherhood
  3. The steps to becoming the best version of yourself
  4. How to reinforce your identity
  5. How to set new standards


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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man. 

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Episode Transcript

Mel Martin 0:00  

locker room talk is free. I mean, boys talk shit and, if you suppress that part of their lives, and you’re not able to talk to them equally as another man, it stunts you as a dad because they don’t want to tell you shit.

Doug Holt 0:15  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my very special guest, Master Coach Mel Martin. Mel, what’s happening, brother?

Mel Martin 0:28  

Brother, you do make me feel special. I am so happy to see you today.

Doug Holt 0:31  

Oh, likewise, man, I’m always happy to see you. You have that gregarious smile that catches everybody’s eye. All the men watching this and know who you are. And guys who have seen him in the Facebook group know exactly what I’m talking about. 

Mel Martin 1:02  

Much love. 

Doug Holt 1:04  

Mel. So Mel, we were talking offline before we hit record, we always do, and we have some very serious conversations and, you said something I think that was very prolific was we don’t get these moments very often. And we don’t get these insights and things, and here we are coming off Father’s day. And I have to imagine it’s a mix for many of the men watching some of the men; it was a great Father’s Day. But for others, Father’s Day can be a trying time, and it can open old wounds, bring new wounds to the surface, etc. So when we talk about Father’s Day, and experiences, and leadership. Mel, what are some of the things that you think were relevant for these guys?

Mel Martin 1:31

Oh, boy, first and foremost, what stands out to me is the question of being a great dad. , it’s a question of yours either. Your ability to be a dad is always questioned. And, if you were to ask me what makes a great dad and how do you become one, you just become one. I don’t think there’s a blueprint for it. I think one or two things. You either had a great experience as a son with a great dad, or you didn’t. And you choose who you’re going to be as a dad. I made that choice in my 20s. During the height of my anger against my dad, for all those years that he beat me. And I was coming of age in my mid-20s, I was starting to feel success, I was starting to feel confident cockiness, and then it all hit that combination hit. And I’ll distinctly remember, as I was driving on the freeway by the mere sight of the freeway exit sign to his house, I might, I would start gripping that steering wheel hard like I wanted to fucking beat him. And I knew I could, and because I had that power, I was a young bodybuilder; there was no way he could overcome me. The final contact I had with him when I left 15 was I was on the ground; he was on top of beating me. That was the imprint I had. Also, at that exact moment, I remember telling myself, I’m going to be the best that I could be, and I will do everything for my sons and daughters that he didn’t do for me. So I think that’s a choice if you’re afforded that choice if you’re given that choice by a higher being or God or whatever. So what does it take to be a great dad? I think you choose. I think we all know what it is. Is it simple?

Doug Holt 3:13  

And it’s one of those things I think, right now that becomes a choice over and over again, in the moments we have, 

Mel Martin 3:18

oh, yeah, 

Doug Holt 3:20  

We all know it, right? We, there was a guy that is a brilliant man and The Brotherhood. And, the Brotherhood again, for those that are aware, men that enter The Powerful Man movement once they continue their eight-week pass or eight-week training, then they go to an intensive alpha reset. Then a select group is invited to the next level, which we call The Brotherhood. And it’s a very elite group of business owners and men. And one of the guys was sharing with the group that he had the kids for the night. And we all know that goes. Yeah, the kids for the night. And he found himself getting angry and upset with the kids because they weren’t doing what he wanted them to do. There are kids. But at that moment, anger and upset erupted from him. So, I bring that up only because these things as we go through our journey or our quest is you, and I like to call it now and talk about it. Our quest in this current realm brings up a lot of different aspects of fatherhood. And brings all of us to the table, and we’re human beings having an experience on this earth. So, it’s always going to change. Would you suggest to the guys, coming in, is this something, well, well, let me ask it a different way now. What would you say to a man listening to this right now who’s a father, but he’s going through a rough time in his fatherhood.

Mel Martin 4:47  

If you look at the working hours, they’ve greatly overshadowed the hours of fatherhood. They do. The mom takes most of the time. Because of a nurturing position, a maternal position. So for this guy who doesn’t have kids for the weekend, he’s overwhelmed. He’s not equipped for it because he doesn’t have that much time with them. So, to that, to him, he’s in the mosh pit. He’s in the mosh pit. Instead of standing on the balcony at a concert of a mosh pit and looking down on the mosh pit. That’s where he is; that’s where he needs to be. It’s children, arguing and laughing and crying and bickering. It’s the most beautiful sound ever. And you don’t realize it until you no longer can hear it. I’m listening to that. I’m living where I don’t get to hear my son’s interaction. I’ve seen them laugh their asses off at each other. I’ve seen them talk shit about people and talk shit about cutting each other down as athletes, and it’s the most beautiful thing. And I’ve also seen them in a bathroom after things boil over after a few days, and the door shuts, and they’re just slugging it out. It’s the same. It’s the same, and I don’t get to hear it. I haven’t heard it in a year and a half. So once that’s gone, then you really really realize how important it is. What I would say to dads is this, guys, breathe in, and understand that perspective. It’s a, it’s a nanosecond in your journey and embraces both opportunities; you are overwhelmingly out unmanned. By hours, by skill set, by time afforded all of it. So when you’re thrown to the wolves, just be in it, laugh with it, lead with it, ask about it, talk to them, dictate. , who they’re going to be with you at that time. I remember distinctly telling Anna Jacob, they must have been 8 and 10, before I even left the house, before we got divorced, I said, look guys, we can’t understand each other here. I really don’t have to; I mean, you guys aren’t two anymore. And they looked at me like, really? I’m okay, and I’m going to talk to you like a man. We’re going to have conversations like men because you’re men and training their fair, Sherpa, that laid the groundwork for such independent communication on their part because as kids, you’re playing sports. Locker room talk is free. 

I mean, boys talk shit, and if you suppress that part of the voter’s lives, and you’re not able to talk to them equally as another man, it really, it stunts you as a dad because they don’t want to tell you shit. Now, make no mistake, when I dropped the hammer and became a dad, they knew when that moment was. 

But, the ability to talk to them as a manufacturer of that opportunity was easier, and it didn’t have to happen frequently. Here’s proof positive. I remember getting a call from Jamie. Oh my god. Chick doesn’t fucking listen to me. Please. Can you talk to him? I’m thinking, Why do I always have to be a bad cop? You’re kidding me, right? And I asked her, “How do you talk to him? Do you talk to him? Or do you talk with him? What do you mean I go. Exactly. Jay, how are you talking to him? Do you ask him to do something? Or are you demanding him to do something after you have to ask him repeatedly? Are you staying on the same train? Or are you escalating every time you ask him, and he does not want to do it? So while I got it, I asked them ten times, I said, Jay, I asked once, twice tops, and he does it for me. Well, how do you get to do that? I said, Jacob, I know you’re busy, please, this is really important. If you could kindly do this for me, It’ll make everything easy moving forward from here on. Because I have to do something else, can you do that for me real quick, brother? Sherpa, phones down goes and does it, comes back phones back up. Maybe I’m lucky, and I don’t know. I don’t know, but if I have a reference to share with you based on one parent after another. I am the classic Disney dad. Every time they see you’re this, then I get it back, and I got to be the mean person I go, do you really have to be the new person? Is that really true? should read you, know loving what Byron Katie is. Is it really true? Is that really true? Do you really have to be a mean person? ,

Doug Holt 9:30  

So, well, think about this, Mel, you and I talked. I love this conversation. You and I talked offline about something that you’re going through which we don’t have to go over right now, but one of the things that you had said was you said Doug, thank God I have the skill sets that I’ve got from The Powerful Man thank God.

Mel Martin 9:49 

Oh my god, 

Doug Holt 9:50

The place where I can handle the tornado, I think it’s what you called it, fatherhood. Is it just called the tornado fatherhood without going into any specifics, right? So, with having those skill sets, I’m going to guess that 90% of our listeners haven’t had that opportunity yet. What are a couple of things that some of these guys can put into perspective for themselves? To get them on the right track? Let’s assume they haven’t been through The Alpha Reset, so they haven’t gone through the pillars and everything else that we teach. What are a couple of things that you can get them? They’re rolling off a bad Father’s Day. Here we are a couple of weeks later. When this comes out, give these guys a couple of action steps or a couple of things to think about points to ponder.

Mel Martin 10:38  

Absolutely, thank you for that. I was going through my Qigong meditation movements, and I was feeling very tested about this thing that I’m going through, as I tearfully described to you earlier. The number one thing that’s helped me get through this journey over the last few years is detachment. Absolutely, absolutely. Because if you do not learn to detach and understand that it’s not about you, it’s not about what you’re not getting out of it. It’s not about what you should have done more of or whatever story you want to tell yourself, and it’s got nothing to do with you. You’re only responsible for 50% of the experience, which in and of itself is a relationship, but at the same time, number one, are the things that you really believe that they’re really true. And number two, are you really being kind and gracious and forgiving to yourself. If you’re feeling wounded, and why, prior to TPM, prior to my activation method in September 2017, I was an emotional mess. If I were going through this back then, Oh, brother, it’d be a war, it would be a war between Jay and me, the kids would be severely collateral damage. And I shudder to think of what kind of men they will be later. And what, a shred hanging by a threaded relationship I’d have with them later on. Understanding the perspective, I do know now. A detachment is huge awareness, allowance, acceptance; all of that is massive. That is the very first introduction to The Activation Method when you get into the program because you have to just take your ego out of it. You have to be unattached to the outcome. You plan something that happens, and it doesn’t happen; it’s the same because you’re going to have an emotion attached to it. And we all put meanings to things; we all put meanings to outcomes. When an emotion arises, whether it’s a pleasure or pain, some form of pleasure or some form of pain, the energy behind it is what often takes over us. And if we don’t have the skill set to recognize that, what do we do? We move with the energy instead of deciding what to do with the energy. There you go.

Doug Holt 12:52

So True. 

Mel Martin 12:53

Oh, unbelievably. At some point, if you’re a man before 40, you’re going to learn that after 40, and this is just my personal bias. You better have that together. You really do. , you’re not a boy anymore. , you need to have that together. And if you don’t have the skillset, that’s why The Powerful Man exists. Or any other program, but nonetheless, some inner work has to occur.

Doug Holt 13:21  

Yeah, absolutely. So the first one is detached, and there are different levels of detachment. And, what Mel is saying, guys, is not just don’t just become a jerk and not care about anybody else’s detaching yourself from the outcome in the situation itself. And, and the truth is you make up anything you think is going to happen in the future, anything you think is happening. You are 100% making it up. It is just some bs story you’re telling yourself. So might as well make it a good one. At the end of the day, you have the choice and make it up whatever you want, unless it’s occurring to you specifically, physically, at that moment, it’s just going on in your head and means if it’s not happening in the present, second, it’s a story. 

[music playing]

Unknown Speaker 14:12

Hey, guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk to you about something important. We put together a case study on how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives, and their 4x in their business revenues, and they’re having more connected intimate sex, all without sacrificing the relationships or their health by using The Activation Method. Now a lot of you have contacted us, and they want to know how they’re doing it. We put together this short 11-minute case study just for you. So you can see how these entrepreneurs are achieving this level of success. To get this case study, all you have to do is go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/11. Yep, that’s one. And you can get the case study right now. All it’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Al, let’s get back to the episode

Mel Martin 15:02  

Every man has an Oscar-winning screenplay in their head. I directed Academy Award-winning catastrophizing visions. Oscar-winning. I mean, Gladiator postman rings twice, you name it. I received an Academy Award every day like, Holy God, this stuff, I’m brilliant. And so, so I mean, you package the story. And as the time goes by, and things come along with it, oh, you keep adding to the story. It’s beautiful. It’s beautiful, and it’s safe. And it’s the guardrails.

Doug Holt 15:40


Mel Martin 15:40

You’re in the middle. It’s the guardrails; you have the guardrail. You hit the guardrail hook, come back in with to go over the guardrail and burn the boats, if you will, burn the boats and dive in for a full change. That is scary, brother.

Doug Holt 15:55  

I would say, I think, I think that that’s the inner work. And I would say that’s the true sign that an alpha male is willing to step into those scary places inside of himself because our psychology is built that we’ll do everything we possibly can to reinforce our identity ourselves. If you’re a sports fan, your identity, you say you’re a foodie, you’re going to do everything you can to prove you’re a foodie if you’re fit, could be fit, fat, could be fat, etc., etc. But when we define ourselves, whether it be bad father, good father, you’re going to fit in that role and make sure you are whatever it is you say, you are. And the same thing, Mel, I’m sure you agree. I’m just saying this for the guys; listening is and also goes through when you talk about these Academy Award-winning screenplays that you’re writing and running through your head. And the more and more you are the victim in that story. The more and more that you are or the hero or whatever it be, you’re laying stacks and stacks of layers on top of this evidence of your identity. And you will live it out more and more and more. 

So it’s harder to make that shift. I love that analogy of the guard rails, and I can imagine a car flipping over the guard rails , but you want to do it in some kind of stunt driver fashion. We’re landing with the wheels on the ground rather than crashing and burning. And that’s why The Alpha Reset exists; that’s exactly what it does. But unless you’re doing that, you’re going to keep reinforcing as the men, the stories of Father’s Day being a victim and I’m a dad, and I’m always last or whatever it may be. I’m not saying I’m talking to you. Obviously, myself and everybody else is listening. But we reinforced those with the stories because if you look back at the stories, guys, that you’ve been telling yourself as Mel saying, and I’m looking, I’m doing this right now, as you were saying, and I’m looking back all the stories, I tell myself, there are underlying currents and patterns there. And, does that pattern serve you Yes or no? And if the answer is no, and if you are the victim or you have this, something has happened to you by some external force, which could be another person. If that occurs in your story, then you are playing the victim role. And you’re reinforcing your victim mentality as part of your identity.

Mel Martin 18:22  

You and Tim recorded, stop sabotaging yourself or something like that. And you said something profound and that we are unconsciously committed to what we don’t want.

Doug Holt 18:34


Mel Martin 18:34

Right? And the ability to not be his total surrender. And when you hit the guardrail, doing a hundred miles an hour, and you flip over, dude, you’re not Vin Diesel in the fast and the furious and going to twirl over and land on two wheels or four wheels. It’s not going to happen. But you don’t know how strong you’ll be after you survive that. 

Doug Holt 18:56


Mel Martin 18:56

That is where freedom and magic happen. You have to have that balance of knowing when to surrender. When the story gets too great. I don’t. I don’t think you’ll ever get rid of the story. I think, well, in The Activation Method, we have the shadow stick man. First, the rule of detachment is he acts like he understands that that’s a completely separate entity from you only when you are triggered, Only when you’re triggered. The rest of the time, you have. Who are you in your most powerful self? Have to understand those two. So, surrender is a beautiful thing. That’s really where discipline lies because you get to choose all the great habits that make an owl. You can choose to be an alpha, even if you’re a natural beta, so to speak. I think with practice, and you can start to be an alpha.

Doug Holt 19:49


Mel Martin 19:50

I think so. I think so. I’ve seen some men do it. It’s hard. It is hard. But it can be done. ?

Doug Holt 19:59  

Well, I think Give me Mel you got you, and I are lovers of fitness and the fit line and things that we do, but it’d be just like saying I want to be a runner, but I haven’t run, can I do it? Yeah, is the first run going to hurt? You’re going to be sore, and you’re probably not going to make it around the block. But the more repetitive you are, the more strategic you are about your training protocol; I mean, gosh, if I’ve never run before, maybe a year from now I could run with Mel Martin in a half marathon or something around maybe two years but let’s go.

Mel Martin 12:30

We could do a 12-week training program right now. You’d be fine. I’ll fly out to New England or find one.

Doug Holt 20:38  

see me when I did my marathon that was

Mel Martin 20:41  

Well, you got me beat there. I haven’t done that yet. 

Doug Holt 20:44 


Mel Martin 20:44

That’s awesome.

Doug Holt 20:45  

It was a sight, and I’ll tell you that much anyway; there was no metal put around my neck.

Mel Martin 20:52


Doug Holt 20:53 

But the point is it’s really about making that decision, getting clarity, making that decision detaching, as you said, and then taking that first step. You are rewriting your identity.

Mel Martin 21:04  

It’s great that you bring up the fitness and running analogy because for 30 odd years, I was a bodybuilder—an explosive athlete at sports baseball’s tournament slowpitch softball. And then I met a girl, and there’s always a Girl. 

Doug Holt 21:16 

Always a Girl. 

Mel Martin 21:17

she was not a dude, and she was not going to go to my softball tournaments and watch me there like a girlfriend saying I’m his biggest fan. And that was a major blow to my ego, dude because I’ve had that in my life. Anyway, the story I had, you can’t run your mouth. You’re a bodybuilder. It’s going to hurt your knees. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. Well, guess what? I got rid of the story. One mile turned into two, and two miles turned a 5k a 5k turn into a half marathon, six of them later. It’s all in your award-winning screenplay.

Doug Holt 21:51  

Yeah, I know we’re getting off the topic of fatherhood. But I don’t care because I’m always talking to you, and I will riff on this for hours of The Alpha Reset. But you talk about something you’ve shared. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this publicly, but your goal is to make this your new standard. 

Mel Martin 22:10


Doug Holt 22:11 

Right? And I believe it was triathlons or your new standard at the time we talked about this a while ago, so it could have changed but pointed the point is for the men listening to this guys, you can write that new standard down whenever you want to Mel is thinking into his future and saying what, here I am five years from now or whatever the time was when you and I have this conversation was definitely over six months ago. But, you were saying, look, I want this to be my new standard. I fly over the world as an elite coach with a powerful man, which is what you do. And, you land, and you want to be able to participate in a triathlon. Because your game is ready and game ready in that triathlon shape as your new standard. And I’ve seen you live this out. I mean, gosh, Mel, you had a day where you didn’t really want to do a workout or anything, and you did a life within the group the pack, which is one of the groups who have The Powerful Man, and you did a video, and you went for a run anyway, and I want to say it was like 90 some degrees outside. 

Mel Martin 23:15  


Doug Holt 23:16

Because that was your standard

Mel Martin 23:18

It was absolutely in front of me, and I will link it to you this way. This is a massive return on your lifestyle. If the concept of which version of yourself do you want showing up later in all of your present and future experiences? You must invest in the actions that get you there. You have to look at it that way. If you want to be game-ready throughout the years, you have to do it now. If you want to be health-ready and impress your doctor in an annual physical, you have to do those things now. Absolutely. If you don’t, yeah, right.

Doug Holt 23:53  

100% in the middle of tying this back into the topic of having a bad Father’s Day right coming back in, this gentleman is the time for you to rewrite the script. You have almost a year till the next Father’s Day, but more importantly, you have this moment. You have just like the beta, the submissive man who or guy man’s lost his way that wants to go into the alpha. When we talk about alpha, it’s not again. It’s not beating your chest pounding the guy next to you. Alpha is an internal thing. It’s an internal feeling. You’re a leader. You can do that step by step. That’s not a problem. You just have to take the step. You can do the same thing with fatherhood. You can rewrite that story, the story your kids are going to tell about you, the way they approach you. The stories that you’re telling yourself. Those can all be rewritten, like Mel’s story about being a bodybuilder. Now being a bodybuilder is the standard, but Mel took the first step to stop those running shoes because of the girl, right? And now, his standard is totally different. And you can do the same thing, gentlemen, as a father Going through there.

Mel Martin 25:02  

Yeah, gentlemen, for me personally, with what I’m going through, I can share with you that, number one, being an alpha today is a modern thing. It’s where it is in modern times right now. Our father’s generation and their father’s generation is over. We have so much more accessibility to us today. And it behooves you as a dad to understand that your children will never have the emotional intelligence and maturity level that you do because you’re obviously four years ahead. 

So it’s very important to keep a perspective of kindness, gracefulness, and forgiveness towards them now because they are adults and training. And, again, which version of yourself do you want showing up when the conversations happen? What was he like when you were a kid? Who was he? Now, who was he then? And how is he now? Do you want to be a father who, who’s inviting, who’s very inviting now? And very graceful and friendly now? That they want to be around later? Or do you want to be that over dad who’s always been always intense and angry and what, whatnot? They’re going to love you either way, regardless, but they have their own story to write as they grow up because they’re watching. So, please be graceful and kind and forgiving to them now, which in turn is an act of self-love for you. It’s not easy. It’s hard. You have to swallow it sometimes. But think of the big picture because it’s a massive return on your lifestyle later on.

Doug Holt 26:36  

Beautifully said, sir. And now, for the guys listening, if they want to share their story or questions about fatherhood, where do they find you within the movement?

Mel Martin 26:48  

Very easy. My personal page is very easy to find on Facebook, Mel Martin. There are not very many of us. Number two, The Activation Method, is an exclusive page. And, if you messaged me on dm or through Facebook or whatnot, yeah, I will definitely invite you in. And it’s a wonderful resource, and you’ll be in a space in a community, a safe one for other men that are feeling the same way at similar stories. You can really really engage in and understand that you’re not alone. 

Doug Holt 27:21

I love it, love it. 

Mel Martin 27:22


Doug Holt 27:22

So, guys, that’s your call to action today. For all you father’s Happy belated Father’s Day. No matter how it turned out for you. And remember, regardless of how it turned out, whether it was great or not so great, you get to write the story for the next one the way that you want it to turn out. That’s it for us today at The Powerful Man. And we’ll see you in the Facebook group for The Activation Method, where Mel is going to be doing a Facebook Live, and by the time you guys see this, I’ll actually be in Morocco. Okay, guys, we will see you next time. Have an amazing day.