Episode #587
What do golf and marriage have in common?
What happens if you don’t have the right tools?
It takes a lot of patience in both golf and marriage. You must learn the rules, use techniques that will help you get better, and enjoy the learning process. Improve your marriage by taking action.
In this episode, you will learn why the rules of golf apply to marriage and how you can level up your relationship with your partner.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Doug Holt: Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of The Powerful Man show. Tim, how are you doing, brother?
Tim Matthews: Doing well. How are you?
Doug Holt: Whoa, you asked me? Guys, I’m always giving Tim a hard time. I’m doing well, man. I feel a lot better for a guy that has been up since 2am, because kids, and sick because of kids. You know what it is, Tim? I did a live training. We had over 400 guys register for a live training about how to get the respect and admiration back in their wife’s eyes. And that fills me up so much. I love working with those guys and helping them out. I mean, that’s why I’m here. That’s why you’re here. So we always say, does something light you up and fill you up, or does something drain you? And helping the men that are involved in the movement, that definitely fills me up.
Tim Matthews: It’s why we do what we do.
Doug Holt: So, today I want to throw out on the table, so to speak. Let me just say this. This is what I was talking to the guys about. Your marriage or your relationship is like a game of golf. And not only a game of golf, but it’s like you’re playing in the masters, the best of the best, right? And every man listening to this wants their marriage to be the best of the best. It’s the most important thing that most men will say that’s in our lives – the marriage, the kids, and sometimes their business.
So, if that’s the case, then we can make the argument or the analogy that if your marriage is like golf, you’re playing one of the top golf courses in the world. I’m going to pick Augusta just for this analogy. I am not a great golfer, Tim, by the way. I’m the guy that you take on the golf course if you want to laugh, have a beer with him, have a great time golfing.
Tim Matthews: You’re also a hustler. So I am not sure if I believe that or not.
Doug Holt: Well, I’m not. I never say I’m bad at something when I’m not bad at it. Sometimes I ask people the rules of a game that I’m really good at just to get clarity.
Tim Matthews: After you’ve put a wager on it.
Doug Holt: Oh, you know, a little friendly wager always helps. Keeps people motivated. So, if your marriage is the game of golf, and you’re playing the championship level, because everybody wants their marriage to be as good as possible. What I’m noticing is… it’s analogous to you just expecting to know how to be a pro player. Pick any pro player you want. Right? Do you have a favorite PGA player, Tim?
Tim Matthews: I do. McIlroy.
Doug Holt: So, imagine just expecting to be able to play golf at his level. Not going to happen. But for some reason, as men, especially as businessmen, we expect to know how to play this game called marriage and relationships as if we’re a pro. We say hey, look, man, my marriage is super important. Being a great husband super important. I love my wife. I love my kids. Yet we don’t take golf lessons, or marriage lessons.
And what most men do is, they step up to the driving tee, the tee box, they grab the club, and they swing as hard as they can, the best that they can, only to see the ball dribble down, because they don’t know how to play the game of marriage, and they’re driving with a putter. And it’s not their fault because no one teaches us. There’s this expectation that you should just know how marriage works. And it’s not that way. It’s like golf.
It would be like me stepping up, playing against Tiger Woods, going to the tee box, having no idea what I’m doing, and expecting to win. He’s gonna smoke me. And, no matter how many weights I lift, how strong I get, I will never hit par, let alone a hole in one, if I’m only using a putter. I’m going to end up in the sand trap, right? Those are shit tests and everything else guys end up in.
I’m gonna end up in the water. Right? This is when your wife and you are fighting, or you become a good guy. I’m going to end up in the rough. And all because I don’t have the proper tools, or the proper training to do so. Have you ever experienced this with the guys that you work with, Tim?
Tim Matthews: Oftentimes, by the time the guys come to us, they recognize this. They realize, hey, you know what? I have been using the wrong tool. I completely had the wrong club, didn’t even realize it, using that club for years. And luckily for us, the guys that come to us are the ones that have realized this, and they are willing and committed to playing the game in the way it’s meant to be played, and are wise enough to be patient enough with themselves to play the long game, and be open-minded enough to improve over the long, long run. Now, it’s a weird phenomenon, because usually those guys often get the fastest results. But either way, it’s just great that we get those guys that are willing to play the game in the way that it’s meant to be played.
Doug Holt: If you’re playing in the PGA championships, let’s call it your marriage. Got Tiger Woods over there. Tiger Woods could be the guy your wife is texting for all we know, right? Now imagine having a golf pro next to you going, no, no, no, we don’t get the putter to drive, use a driver. Oh, wait, just twist your wrist just a little bit more to hit it down the fairway so you don’t end up in the trees like Doug does.
And this is the key, guys. When you’re using techniques like the hidden motives technique, or any of the other things in the triad of connection that we teach, it’s the little nuances that make all the difference. And yeah, you’re still gonna get stuck in a sand trap. The shit tests are still gonna come.But a pro, right, they grab the sand wedge, and they can hit it onto the green, right into the hole, when they have the right kind of training. I still fall into sand traps, Tim, when I’m on the course.
And my marriage is amazing. And I’m very blessed to have it as such. And as my wife and I continue to raise the bar on what we want for our marriage and our relationship and our family, it’s like the course is getting harder. But the game is getting more fun. Right? When you go as a golfer, I have friends that are avid golfers, and they travel all over the world golfing. I’m good going to a pitch and putt, you know, having a couple of beers and playing golf with my friends.
They don’t enjoy it. It’s not fun for them, because it’s not a challenge. Right? They’ll make it challenging just trying to hit holes in ones and they’re great golfers. But it’s not a challenge for them. It gets more fun the more challenging it gets for them. So, they play harder courses, and they play against better players. And they put bigger wagers on the line, and play all kinds of various games that I can’t even describe.
And that’s the way the game of marriage gets to be played. But first you need to learn the rules, then you get to learn the clubs that get to be played on the course. What do you use in the fairway when you’re 300 yards out, versus 50 yards out? What happens when you get stuck in the sand trap? So when I get stuck in the sand trap now, and a lot of our guys that have been through the program get stuck, they know not only what club to use, but they know how to swing it properly.
Whether it needs force, or it needs a little bit more finesse on the club, to get it in the hole where they want to be. No pun intended. To get it where they want to go so they can get on par, and so they can play the game to the level that they want to play. And the more and more you play, each round of golf, the better you get.
Tim Matthews: And it becomes time to upgrade your clubs.
Doug Holt: You upgrade your clubs. Yeah. And the best part about this is, the people you play with, your wife, she steps up her game, and she plays a better game. This is where passion comes in. This is where you guys are both now growing together. But it starts with you. It starts with you. It starts with you learning the rules of golf, and learning what clubs to use. It starts with learning the triadic connection.
Tim Matthews: I think it’s great. I think it’s a great analogy to use. It’s interesting because this just isn’t how guys approach business. Typically, not the guys that we have the pleasure of working with anyway. They follow the approach that you’ve just outlined in business. In health, they usually do the same. Whether it’s hiring a trainer, or whatever it may be, right? But in marriage, so often they leave it and leave it until they realize, oh, maybe I should take the same approach that I took in business, and really understand the game I’m playing, and actually get some instruction.
I don’t know, maybe it’s the whole thing that complacency sets in when you say I do, or when kids come along, and it’s just a given that she won’t leave me, or whatever story goes with it. And we’ve had a lot of guys that have thought that, and come home to divorce papers on the table. A lot of guys that have thought things weren’t that bad because the arguments had stopped, but not realizing that that’s a bad sign. Because it can often be that she’s checking out.
The passion isn’t there, the interest isn’t there. I mean, what a gift to have this kind of insight and analogy, assuming the listeners choose to use it, right? Whether that’s getting the instruction, and the tools, or clubs, from The Powerful Man or somewhere else, doesn’t really matter. My biggest desire for the listeners is that they actually do something with this. Because I think you’ve explained it in a very simple way. Definitely lands for me. I imagine it will land for some of the listeners at least. And the question becomes what you do with it?
Doug Holt: Yeah, it really does. Not only what you do with it, but recognizing where you are, what level you’re playing at. I was talking to the guys today, Tim, during the training I was doing, and I was like, hey, look, imagine you figure out it’s a driver. Okay, cool. Finally. Because I’ve been racking my head against the wall trying to swing this friggin putter and get it on the green. And most of the guys agree.
Like, look, we’ve tried everything. We’re hitting this putter, every which way. I’m swinging it harder every day, my hands are getting blisters, yet it’s not getting to the destination. And man, have I been there too. Have I been there. So, now they got the driver. That’s awesome. Okay, cool. Now they know that they can drive the ball. Now what direction is different. But someone like Tiger Woods, or any other PGA person, what do they do before they swing the clubs?
They stretch, they warm up, they prepare mentally. This is the Alpha Rise and Shine. This is the Alpha Decompression. All things we’ve talked about in previous podcasts. You have to have those fundamentals so you don’t get hurt on the course. So you’re attuned, so you’re in flow as you’re playing. They always say the game of golf is mostly mental right. Techniques, for sure, but a very mental game when you play at a high level.
And I know for other sports it’s definitely that way. And so you need to get there. And the Alpha Rise and Shine, which is your morning routine, the Alpha Decompression, which is your evening routine, those two things need to be in play. Then you step on to the course, then you grab the correct club, then you can swing and work on your technique, and drive the ball down the fairway of life, the way that you want it to go.
Avoid the trees, avoid the sand traps and the water traps. And if you get in them, you’ll know how to get out. And you’ll be warmed up and ready to go. There’s so much more I want to talk about on this subject, Tim, and I’m doing another training for the guys next week into the hopper group. We have a bunch of guys trying to get in. Gentlemen, if you’re trying to get in, my apologies, we closed it. We do that just to keep the container clean.
What I mean by that is, these men are on a journey, they’ve already done two trainings with me, they’re going to do two more before we’re done for this. And we want to keep these guys moving forward. A lot of activity in that group. But maybe in another podcast, when it’s done, we can talk about the rest of the course and how to continue playing. So, Tim, any advice you’d give for guys who are saying, man, I feel like I have been that guy, swinging and swinging and realizing I am just swinging with a putter, and I just didn’t know what clubs to choose?
Tim Matthews: Take action. I mean, it’s really as simple as that. We’ve got over 600 episodes, 600 podcasts, we literally have given away all of the answers. Straight away, that’s one path you can take. Go listen to all 600 and apply it. I mean, we’ve had men who have just done that, never invested in the program, and gotten the result in marriage. Same is true with the trainings that Doug puts on in the hopper group.
You’ve got so many resources just from The Powerful Man, nevermind wherever else you may be listening and digesting content. but it all means nothing unless you take action. So, if you realize that you want to be better at this game, and you don’t really want to sit through 600 podcasts, and you want to get some instruction, then speak to one of our advisors. Or speak to somebody. Just do something. It’s so incredibly frustrating when so many great men just wait and wait.
Especially if they have kids, it’s like, what role model are you setting? I know that isn’t what most people want to hear. Because we’ve spoken to so many guys, when you ask them, Hey, what toll is this taking on the kids? ‘Oh, the kids are fine.’ Really? You’re trying to tell me that they’re not at least observing the arguments and the disconnect? Are you really modeling what a healthy relationship looks like?
So even though they might not be displaying it through some behaviors, they’re still watching things. So if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them. But, if you’re anything like most of the guys that we work with, then there comes a point where you just have to get off the fence. You do it for yourself. And you do it for your kids. And you do it because you refuse to settle any longer. So whether it’s with those, whether it’s just somebody else, whatever it may be, just take action. Take action.
Doug Holt: There you go, from the words of Tim The Powerful Man Matthews himself. Gentlemen, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And no different than today. Get on that course, get your warm up on, grab a beer from the beer cart that we have here in the States. I understand in the UK you guys don’t have those as often. But we do have those here. But enjoy the game. Part of enjoyment is learning how to play, and having fun with those around you. And remember, if your marriage is a game of golf, you want to be playing the championship level. Gentlemen, we’ll see you next time.
