Is It Jealousy Or A Boundary?

Episode #381

If you are noticing that you are not comfortable with her behavior or the behavior of other men, is it jealousy or is it something that is compromising the health of your relationship?

Get clear on what your boundaries are, sit down with your partner and communicate about it. Have a discussion and make it fun. Don’t take the jealous frame. It’s up to the both of you to protect your relationship. If she’s not willing to do this, then it might be time to reconsider your relationship or re-examine your role in the relationship.

In this episode, we’re talking about boundaries – examples of pure jealousy, boundaries that need to be set, the boundaries that are being crossed, a great way to approach your woman about this situation, and what can you do to make sure these barriers are being established.


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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

Want to take a view of this? Almost a third-person view is the easiest way to do this, and if you step out of the situation and look at it like you’re watching the movie now, you can see what emotion likely plays here. You might be jealous because she happens to be laughing with a guy at a party or a couple of guys at a party. And is that her just having a good time? And they just happened to be men, or is this a boundary that’s been crossed that they don’t feel comfortable going through? Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my special guest, Franco burrows. Franco, thank you again for being here, my friend. 

Franco Burrows  0:42  

It’s an absolute pleasure. 

Doug Holt  0:44  

It is. I do, man, and I always enjoyed connecting with you. It’s kind of ironic that I flew almost 5000 miles, I got to Wales, and you and I weren’t able to connect due to COVID restrictions and all kinds of craziness.

Franco Burrows  0:58  

Crazy. Yeah, it was a shame. But I know we all had a great time. And I know what the guys are going through. So I was like, day two. I know. I’ve got an idea of what they’re doing now. Yeah, it was. I was adding spirit.

Doug Holt  1:10  

You. You’re always there in spirit, man. It’s fantastic. Guys, for those that don’t know, Franco, first of all, go back and listen to the previous episodes with Franco on there. But Franco came through The Activation Method and then into The Brotherhood, our one-year mastermind group. And as his life progressed and changed, he’s gone on to a bigger role within the movement of The Powerful Man. And you can find Franco delving out advice and wisdom in the Facebook group and in The Powerful Man community that we have. So, Franco, thanks again for taking the time to share your knowledge here. What are we going to talk about today?

Franco Burrows  1:49  

We’re going to talk about boundaries in public. With your woman, online, offline, I speak to many guys who are not happy with the way things are going. They’re not happy. It could be her behavior, and it could be the behavior of other men. But they’re not comfortable, and they’re struggling with putting boundaries in place. Sometimes they put a boundary in place, but they aren’t enforcing it. And there are several reasons for that. And sometimes, they just haven’t put a boundary in place. So yeah, I mean, what are your experiences with this? What are your thoughts on this before I sort of ramble into it? 

Doug Holt  2:33  

Oh, well, you certainly don’t blame me. I think you and I could talk for hours about this, any of these subjects. So I’m trying to figure out where we want to take it. But there are boundaries, and there’s also jealousy. So I think these are two things that can come together—going through there. And certainly, when I was younger, maybe in my late 20s or so, I would let jealousy creep in at times where it wasn’t necessarily a boundary, or I was creating boundaries because I was jealous, not because I needed to have those boundaries and things of that nature.

Franco Burrows  3:09  

That’s a really good point. Yeah, and what I would say is that if you’re noticing that you’re uncomfortable with her behavior, or the behavior of other men, then that’s a great question to ask, is this just pure jealousy? Let’s face it, we all experienced as human beings women do as well men do. So it’s natural? Or is this something that’s compromising? The health of our relationship?

Doug Holt  3:39  

Yes, a great question to ask. And it’s a hard one to answer, though, at times. What we’re going to be, what I’m taking a view of this. And almost a third-person view is the easiest way to do this, guys if you step out of this situation and look at it like you’re watching a movie. Now you can see what emotion might be playing here. Am I jealous because she happens to be laughing with a guy at a party? Or a couple of guys at a party? And is that her just having a good time? And they just happened to be men? Or is this a boundary that’s being crossed? Or that I don’t feel comfortable with going through?

Franco Burrows  4:20  

So do you have any examples of what would be of each? What would be something that is just pure jealousy? And what is something that is a boundary that either needs to be set because it hasn’t or has been crossed? 

Doug Holt  4:35  

Well, definitely. There’s one distinct one that comes to my mind in my life that I experienced. And so I’m at a wine bar in Santa Barbara, where I had my businesses and my girlfriend at that time. Now my wife was with me, and drinks were flowing. And she went over and talked to these two in Santa Barbara. There are just beautiful people everywhere. It’s in the water. But she’s over there talking to two or three guys, one guy in particular. And they’re laughing and having a great time. And I just got furious. How could she do this in public? Here we are with everybody; she’s flirting, that all these stories went through my head. And I walked over there, and I kind of grabbed her like, Hey, I was kind of a jerk. And she would choose another way to describe me, probably that’s not as appropriate in doing so. Now, in retrospect, I was jealous. This guy was super fit, and he was a very successful businessman. He had the qualities in him. He is older than I was, at the time, the qualities in him that I felt I was lacking, or didn’t have as well, things I was working towards, right. So that was pure jealousy. And I ended up looking like an asshole in the process. Nothing was going on. They happen to be there; we all knew each other. I ran a couple of very public-facing businesses. And so that was pure jealousy, where I thought she was crossing a boundary by flirting with other guys. But the truth be told, she was just in there with me; I was joking with other women. And she just happened to go with a glass of wine, etc. So that’s one that she didn’t cross a boundary. I was just purely jealous, and I hate to admit it, guys, But that’s the reality of that situation. A boundary could be crossed that I’ve seen a lot, as I go to the gym a lot, is when a woman goes and directly is going out of her way to flirt with another guy in the gym. That guy it’s happened to me, where married women or women they’re with their men will go out of their way to come over and talk. And they’re not going over there to talk about exercise or something else. They’re going over there to flirt, and a lot of times, they’re going over there for attention. But I think they’re going there to get their man’s attention and to show him, hey, if you don’t step up your game, I might be able to get with this guy.

Franco Burrows  7:03  

Yeah, it’s such a murky area for so many guys, and one of the reasons is that there’s no equality in this. And I mean, as in just as in reality, it’s not a complaint that’s just calling out the reality. So, for example, even if you’re a good looking attractive guy, you’re not going to be approached by the opposite sex as much as a fairly average-looking woman. So women are going to get attention from men, they’re going to get, for example, the average woman is going to get more inboxes from single guys, or maybe not single guys, but someone who’s trying to get into pants. Or more people come on to him in a bar. So I think that’s important to recognize, and I’ve had that as well in the past where it’s just been pure jealousy on my part. But again, no equality in that. Because when a woman is jealous, and she’s like, going nuts, she doesn’t lose any points for that. She doesn’t lose any points. It’s like, it’s quite cool because she’s reminded that we’re attractive. When the shoes are on the other foot, so many guys are very, and I would put myself in this category before, but we don’t want to come across as the jealous guy. Not that I’ve had loads of stuff happen to me. But I speak to many guys now we’re like, I don’t want to be jealous, but she’s almost doing porn star stuff with other men. It’s like, this is knowing where the line is. So I think that’s a big one for a lot of men. And even women can test men or use it as a huge shame, basically, as a way of protecting themselves. It’s like, oh, you’re just jealous it’s like no, and that’s where I go back to. Is this for the health of the relationship? Is this for the greater good or not? 

Doug Holt  9:11  

That’s a great litmus test of what you said there, so like, for example, if your wife sent bikini photos or worse to guys on Instagram or Facebook, that’s not to the betterment of your marriage at all. She’s to me from my standards that’s disrespectful to the man in the marriage. I think one of the key things here, Franco, and I’m discovering this for myself. As I talk to you about this, we sit down and write down our boundaries; what is okay? Because I think this is like other aspects of a relationship or a marriage, we have assumptions. I assume my wife wouldn’t respond to her ex-boyfriend on Facebook and share photos of herself. I assume my wife wouldn’t behave in public by herself just as she would if I was next door. I make these assumptions going through. But yet, if these assumptions haven’t been discussed, I don’t know. Because she might have different assumptions, you might think, Oh, well, sending a bikini photo, there’s nothing wrong with that because XYZ or whatever her story is. So one thing I think, first and foremost, guys, you want to get clear on your boundaries, then sit down with your partner and communicate those. Discuss that, make it fun, you can go back to the other episode, we’re talking about initiation, you can make this fun light banter, what I’ve done in the past Franco, and I’m not again, another thing I’m not proud of, is I would approach this very seriously. Like, look, we have to sit down; I want to talk about our boundaries. These are my boundaries, and I want to know what yours are, getting that very serious business voice, like I’m getting to the negotiation table or talking to my kids sternly. At the same time, you can make this fun. And when it’s fun, you can get to the outcome you want. But you can also this could be a way to initiate and get things started in the bedroom.

Franco Burrows  11:04  

Yeah, absolutely. Also, I would say, don’t let fear of being jealous or fall into that trap of really holding a firm line on things. I mean, one of the things I would say, I’ve learned from past mistakes. I’ll give you two examples for me, okay. The first one was, this was crazy. I was organizing a fairly big event, I put a lot of work into it, and my partner at the time was supposed to come. Okay, so I was like she was half an hour, an hour late. Texting her and she was out with friends okay, she’s out with a group of guy friends to get I think at that point, we split up, we got back together again. So I think we wouldn’t look that long back together again. But it was a big event for me. Anyway, it turned up hours, and I was late. It was like a way into the event. And the first time I clapped eyes on her was when she was with all this group, her friends like I knew most of these people. And some guy who was in the group, I thought that I knew him, didn’t know when. He went up and smacked her on the ass. Right. As he did it, she thought she clocked me, as she was just horrified. I was going through my mind now, and I thought I was already really pissed off with her for being late. I don’t feel connected to her. This is the reason why I’m telling you this story, it is the lesson I’ve learned and why it’s so important to do what you’ve said if you could get me killed. If you don’t behave like I had a choice, right? If I go for this guy now, it could escalate quickly. I could kill him. That’s the reality, and he could kill me. Or I could end up in prison. 

The least the night is going to be ruined, all because there was a boundary issue. Now the boundary issue is, if I’ve got an event, I expect it to be there. But also, that’s another reason not for her to hang around with guys that she knows might do. I don’t think for a second anything was going on there. But that was a big learning curve for me. And also with their behavior with other people, like some women will kick off in a shop or go with someone in public. It’s like you could get me killed here. After all, you’re not going to get killed because people don’t hit women. But I could get killed. So, there’s a lot of things that are hard for us to understand about women. That’s hard for women to understand about us. So is finding a way to get that across. I’m sorry to get all serious, but I do feel quite strongly about that. Then the other interesting one was when funnily enough, the same girl, now this time is different. We’re at a party, and some guy had B. Now this time, we’re all connected. She’s sitting on my lap, and we’re having a good time. We decided to leave the party early as just before we left, she told me something happened. She disagreed with a friend, and her boyfriend got involved, said something a bit cheeky to her. As I was walking out, I went up to the guy. I can’t remember exactly what I said. I said, Look, I hope you’re not upset by my message. That’s all I said. But you could tell he didn’t want to know. And this guy was my height, six foot two or whatever, but bigger. And she saw that, and I won’t say what she said that night, but we were in bed, and she was aroused. So setting the boundaries, like you say, in a fun way can be an arousal point for her and standing firm. And again, it’s for what’s best for the relationship.

Doug Holt  14:48  

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you; go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom right away. Now, let’s get back to the show. 

Yeah, and Franco, I think what a lot of guys are experiencing nowadays, I mean, see nowadays, I’m telling old, but their wife is posting on social media. Many guys out there have a very beautiful wife, especially if they’re not having as much sex as they would like to. So the wife posts a picture of herself; she’s got the belfie shot or whatever on Instagram or what have you. She’s looking good. Maybe it’s you guys who all know what the photo is. And life’s amazing, and all these quotes behind it. And then a guy comes into the comments, and the guy’s like, Wow, you’re so sexy. You’re so beautiful. And then the woman responds, and there’s a dialogue that goes on there. That is another form of public boundaries we’re talking about here. What can the guides do in this situation? I know many guys encounter this when they’re starting to notice that there are other men they probably don’t know, who tend to comment on their wife’s pictures and posts more frequently.

Franco Burrows  16:25  

Yeah, I think it’s the same as the physical example I gave. It’s like, Look, in the first example, I just don’t hang around with those people. You can’t be out on a night out with people like that. You just can’t. People who might do stuff like that, what do I mean?

Doug Holt  16:44  

But Franco, it’d be rude not to say something to them. 

Franco Burrows  16:49  

What do you mean? 

Doug Holt  16:50  

Well, I’m just saying, I’m pretending that I’m the woman.

Franco Burrows  16:53  

Oh, on the Facebook thread. What I mean is that it’s in the same way; it’d be like, Look, if you keep answering here, then you’re encouraging that. So don’t put yourself in a situation where you could be vulnerable. And then I would have to come in and do something about it. And I’m going to be vulnerable. Protect. It’s our job as a couple to protect each other, to protect the relationship. So if there’s anything that could make us vulnerable, don’t do it. So I’ve noticed this, and it makes me laugh. So when a woman who’s married or in a committed relationship messages me, sometimes they call me to mate, like, you don’t say, mate in the US? Do you? You say buddy, or whatever. But women, obviously, mate. And it’s like the most sort of, and it’s really strange to hear a woman calling you to mate. Because they don’t. Over here, women don’t say mate. But it’s starting to come into our culture a bit. But it’s one of the worst, and it is one of the most subtle but clear ways you can say to a man, we’re not having sex. It’s like, Listen, mate, look, mate. And often, they don’t mean it, then like that. But it’s a very clear way of saying, I’m married; this is a friendly conversation. There’s nothing else going on. So yeah. When you see a woman acting in that way, you think that’s what you want.

Doug Holt  18:22  

Yeah, well, I think you said something that I think is critical; if guys are going to take one point out of this, in my opinion, what you said is, it’s our job, hers and yours, to protect the relationship. And so now you have a third entity here, which is the relationship. And so this is a great way, guys, for you to approach this conversation with your woman. So if you’re, if you have this couple, you haven’t had to have this conversation because your woman hasn’t stepped outside of boundaries, still have it. But if she is, this is where you can come in, and you’re not taking the jealous frame because it’s not about you. It’s like, hey, look, if we’re going to stay together, then we need to do what we need to do to protect this marriage to protect this relationship. And now you’re talking about something outside of yourself, and you’re talking about something outside of her. So there’s no blame on her per se. But now you’re saying it’s almost like your child. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my child, and now, you’re framing this. That’s why I love what you said, and Franco is it’s up to both of us to protect the relationship. 

Franco Burrows  19:23  

Yeah, it’s us against the world.

Doug Holt  19:25  

It’s us against the world. I love that. And if your woman isn’t willing to do so, then you might want to reconsider the relationship you’re in and relook at your role in the relationship, which I know is a shitty thing to say, but that’s a big one.

Franco Burrows  19:39  

No, I’ve been there. I mean, we’re talking about the message inside of it. One of the big issues I had in a previous relationship was being caught texting an ex-girlfriend now, this girl wasn’t a serious thing, and I genuinely didn’t even know. One of the reasons I broke it off with this girl. I didn’t even find her sexually attractive. But once that mistrusted being like, Who’s this girl? She found that message. And then it was like Oh shit, and I think for a lot of guys, and I was definitely in that spot at that particular time, it’s like how do I put in place a boundary when I’m the one who broke a certain boundary in the first place? So then it becomes a big Clean Slate Method. We’ve got the whole system for that. The clean slate and you’ve got to clean up your act. And what I would say is that shouldn’t stop you. When you look at the triad of connection, you got the clean slate, you got the hidden motives, which is about the connection, and you got the leadership. So rather than looking at it as step one, step two, step three, sometimes you gotta throw it all into one big melting pot. Clean the slate, take responsibility, validate her feelings on what’s happened, and connect with her on it. 

And also say, but I’m still taking a stand for what’s right in the relationship. Because what happened in that particular relationship was, I found she never knew this, but I found messages where some guy was messaging her. Again, I don’t think anything was going on, just like nothing was going on with me. But she didn’t tell me about it. So it became tit for tat; this guy was trying to come and meet up with her. And she was sort of like putting him off, but still -sort of encouraging the conversation. So that was a sign of the disconnect between the resentment that had been built up at the end of the day. So sometimes you can’t put boundaries, and you can’t just stand up and say, No, this is the boundary, sometimes you gotta stand up and say, let’s draw a line under the past, I’m taking responsibility, say sorry, without giving your balls away, as I know, he did a great podcast on that. And then connect and lead at the same time. It’s kind of like one smooth, or not always smooth, but one fluid process.

Doug Holt  22:13  

Yeah, I mean, it works well, the tragic connection you’re talking about, we just had a guy within the inner circle, which is a more advanced one-year program that we put on. His wife was like, and I’m leaving you. And he used the triadic connection when he came home to see her after The Alpha Reset. And it went from I’m leaving you to the next day. This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. And so you can change things guys that quickly. You don’t change things quickly using some of these techniques that Franco’s discussing and getting them in there. So in wrapping up, Franco, and I know you’re on a time constraint, my friend, and for the guys is the first thing, we’ll go back and forth. The first thing, figure out what your boundaries are. What boundaries do you want, and I love again, Franco’s analogy of you both need to protect this relationship. So what is it you are protecting? And what are you going to do to do so? And again, to your point, Franco, be careful of saying things like, Oh, you can’t have men in your DMS, yet you’ve got women coming into yours. Or you’re creeping into other women’s either way that might look, and there needs to be some level of that synergy. But you can’t have the hypocrisy of you doing what I say, not what I do command to the relationship. And then what’s something else these guys can do to make sure these barriers are established?

Franco Burrows  23:37  

Just be real, don’t pretend. Don’t pretend you want, don’t pretend you’re okay with something when you’re not, don’t let the fear of I think it’s a huge thing in society it’s like the media are conditioning men. And also, we won’t go into all the different things going on. But I mean, there’s a big thing about shaming men, and you can put off a man from all sorts just by bringing shame into the equation. So do not allow it. Take ownership. And as long as you are fighting for the good of the relationship, like in your example earlier, your wife is going over and talking with some other people and having a laugh and a joke. Is that healthy or unhealthy for her and the relationship? Of course not. You’re out, and you’re social, and so on. If she’s ignoring you the whole night but having fun with everyone else, then that’s a sign that you need to address something else in the relationship. But address it in the relationship. And that’s it.

Doug Holt  24:36  

100%. And, guys, I think what happens for many of us men, especially those of us who have grown up a little bit more, I guess, traditionally macho to lack better descriptions. We don’t want to show that we’re jealous, or we don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to let anybody know. After all, I want to show a sign of weakness. Yeah, I’m jealous. And what Franco was saying it’s just the opposite. When you’re powerful and standing in your power, you do explain those things that bother you. Because you are secure with who you are as a man.

Franco Burrows  24:37  

Yeah, and it goes the other way. Because women will also, it can also be a big problem if you don’t stand up. So it’s like knowing where the line is. And I know for me, if I’m in love with someone, I’ll die for them. So, I’m not afraid to do that side of the equation. But sometimes, again, women don’t necessarily get that. It’s a bit like you have to show your teeth. You have to show your teeth. That doesn’t mean you’re biting anyone but showing your teeth.

Doug Holt  25:38  

That’s a good analogy as well. I’ve taken notes over here, Franco. And gentlemen, if you like what you hear here, Franco is actually, and not only is Franklin an alumnus of the program, but he’s also one of our advisors. So he’s one of the guys that if you have questions about The Activation Method, or how does the triadic connection work, and where does that fall into? And would this work for your marriage? Franco is one of the guys that get on the phone call and just has a conversation with you. We weed out people just as much as anything else, just to make sure it’s the right fit for our movement. So if you want to talk to Franco, probably the best way of doing so is to get into our free community, the Facebook group. Franco’s very active there, and you can reach out to him. You don’t have to be public, and you can reach out to him privately and get your questions answered. 

Franco Burrows  26:21  

And it’s a private group, by the way, a lot of guys are worried that people are going to see what they’re in there, what they share, it’s nobody can see what’s going on other than you.

Doug Holt  26:29  

You can’t even see the members of that group, guys. So if you jump into it, no one’s going to know you’re a member, no one’s going to know what you’re talking about. I mean, these are great men having great conversations that matter. So you can post there. And I’m sure I’ve already permitted them to reach out to Franco. So if that’s okay. But Franco is one of those. He’s an alumnus. He’s a guy just like you. He’s been through the program. He knows where it’s all about. He’s talking to men all over the world every single day, helping them out just like you. So just take advantage of that. You got a guy right here that’s extending his hand across the table, saying, hey, let me know if I can help you. And that’s one of the things I love about you so much, Franco, is you’re always willing to help the guys and talk about being benevolent, alpha. You’re a great example of that.

Franco Burrows  27:16  

Thank you, though. Yeah, I mean, I went through the program. So when you come off The Activation Method than The Alpha Reset, it’s like, you just want to give back the new, and it sounds cheesy, but it’s true. It’s so true. When you see guys struggling, and it is so unnecessary, and I told you before working with young footballers, as I did, I could see it. So clearly, what a difference having a strong father mix in their lives and so it’s not this isn’t just about your relationship with your woman, it’s your family, it’s your community. It’s everything, so the impact is just mind-blowing.

Doug Holt  27:54  

It certainly is. So, guys, get over to that Facebook community, introduce yourself. It’s time to step out of the shadows and step into the life that you’ve always wanted. And reach out to Franco let him know that you’ve heard this episode and what you got out of it, Franco. Thanks again. Gentlemen. That is a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man show. As always, to have an insight guys have to take action. Don’t just go from one thing to another without taking action. Guys, we’ll see you next time.