Episode #69
In this episode, Tim and Doug talk about Doug’s conversation with a business owner about a topic on relationships.
This business owner, while revisiting his Amazon Kindle account, found a purchased book entitled “How to Win a Divorce for Women”. Thinking his marriage was going good, spending his time slugging along, working, getting things done, providing for his wife and his three kids, discovering this about his wife who bought a book about how to win a divorce raises a really huge red flag.
Shocking as it may seem, but most men experience this in some ways, shapes or forms. Usually, most men become busy with their day jobs or managing their businesses that they tend to forget how to treat their wives or partners the way they should be treated. To make more money, most men grind and sacrifice many things and that includes their most precious time for their family.
Being more sensitive about your partners or wives will help you notice any negative signals about your relationships and immediately address it. Leading the five territories of your life which are your self, health, relationships, wealth and business will also help you to have a well-balanced life.
What you will learn in this episode:
- How to achieve a successful and long-lasting marriage or relationship
- How to address your wife/partner when you find out that she’s thinking of divorce or separation
- The Five Territories of your life that you need to lead
- How to have a well-balanced life
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
What would you say to somebody like that?
Tim Matthews 0:02
Locked your Amazon account? Go back there.
Doug Holt 0:09
Wow! I mean, could you imagine Amelia, for example, your beautiful partner, and you go into reading a Kindle book, and you find out that she had purchased a book on basically splitting up and thinking out of the relationship and how to do it successfully.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with the founder of The Powerful Man Movement, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, what’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
I am fantastic. I’m still pondering the question you posed in our last episode, and it struck me that I’m doing great.
Doug Holt 0:52
Good, I got a new one for you. And this one won’t be related to you, but I’d like to get your advice. And so, let me set up the scenario. I had the fortunate advantage of talking to a business owner just yesterday. And as I was talking to him, we’re going over business stuff as these conversations, as I always say, happen that’s just the way they are. And then, we started talking about relationships. And what he told me he said, Doug, you know you’ll never believe it because it begins how the conversation goes, Tim? Hey, how are you doing? I’m doing great. How are you? Oh great. How are the wife and kids? Oh, amazing. You go through that whole rigmarole until you start to dive in deeper with most people. And what happened to Tim, when I was talking to him, he began to say.
Doug, you know something weird happened. I knew that it was time to take a pause. When someone says, hey, something strange happened. You’re like, okay, this is out of the blue. And what happened to Tim is he logged on to his amazon prime account; he happens to be amazon prime. And he went on to his Kindle. But he went on to the shared version. So in Amazon Prime, they have the ability to share. So you can see what your families are reading or things like that. So, for example, if my wife gets a book, I can see what she’s purchased, and I can read it, etc. So he got on there, and he hadn’t been there in years, definitely not years from what he was telling me. And he logged on, and he found a book on How to Win a Divorce for Women. Out of the blue. Now here, he thought his marriage was perfect. We didn’t know it was perfect, but he felt it was good, good enough. He was spending his time slogging along, working, getting things done. He has three kids’ things going on. And now he’s looking at this account and finds out that his wife bought a book about “How to win divorce for women.” Talk about a red flag and a slap in the face right away. What would you say to somebody like that?
Tim Matthews 3:00
Locked your Amazon account?
Doug Holt 3:03
Yeah, well.
Tim Matthews 3:04
Go back there.
Doug Holt 3:08
I didn’t ask him what he had purchased. But it sounds like he wasn’t in there, but wow! I mean, could you imagine Amelia, for example, your beautiful partner, and you go into reading a Kindle book, and you find out that she had purchased a book on basically splitting up and making out of the relationship and how to do it successfully. Because at that point, you’re beyond the hush, should I do this stage? Okay, I’m doing this. What’s my best strategy?
Doug Holt 3:43
I remember, I think it’s something like 70 or 80% of divorces are initiated by women, which is also a crazy stat that somebody told me. I don’t know if it’s true, but that’s what I’ve heard.
Tim Matthews 3:53
Well, what to do. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind for me is I’d be devastated. At first, I’d be like, Oh my god, like why could you not speak to me about this? What am I doing wrong? How could I miss this? you’d go through that whole scenario, wouldn’t you? When we see each other so often with the man, it happens. So often, I think I’m going to check my Amazon every week now. But anyway, and so often with a man, and what we see is we talk a lot in The Powerful Man, with the men in The Activation Method in The Brotherhood, about really taking control of your five territories and leading them. Any five territories are self-health, relationships, wealth, and business. And imagine it’s like a pyramid at the bottom, you’ve got self, above that, you’ve got health, then you’ve got relationships. The fourth level, you’ve got wealth and the top, the peak is business. When the men come to us, I’ve got it the other way around.
They’ve got it flipped on its head. So business is at the bottom, and then money and then relationship. Then health and then self. So, relationships and also them themselves as well, they’re a real afterthought. And it is excellent to get to that point in a relationship. Not only do I imagine there’s not a great deal of attention being given to the relationship, at least in the way that the woman wants to receive it. And also, I imagine there’s not much effort being made by the guy either to create a certain way to romance his wife or to love his wife or to love himself so that he looks the part we’ve spoken about this in previous episodes. If I was single, how would I act? How to dress? How can I take care of myself? How would I present myself? Amelia, I guess to get at least that and more, because I’m in a relationship with her if I want to grow with her, and thrive with her.
So often, as I said a moment ago, the men have point businesses, the first territory and it just cannot be that way. You’ve got to start with self and with self; the agony you get, you’re going to overcome then is emptiness. That feeling that you’ve always got to be chasing and hustling and grinding to make money. Because when you make money, that’s when you’re going to be happy. And no matter what, you’re going to do it. So you slug it out, and you sacrifice your health, happiness, and relationships to make some money. But then, you turn around, and nobody’s there, and you’re on your knees because you’re exhausted and burnt out. You don’t have any energy to give yourself to enjoy your life and the life you’ve created.
And you feel empty, and it’s a hamster wheel of hustle, it goes and goes and goes, and then to everybody else that the real Stinger here, is it to everybody else. they keep telling you that you’ve got the ideal life, the business, the home, the holidays, the family, the money; why are you not enjoying it, Tim? you’ve got it all you should be, and you should love it. You’ve got nothing to complain about, dog. So then you’re like, well, I don’t have anyone to speak to. So then you start to cycle through the agonies. We’ve seen it with hundreds of men, and they move from one agony to the second, which is anger to the third, which is a shame, to the fourth, which is loneliness. And then to the fifth, which is uncertainty, which is his experience here. And when you flip it on its head and become aware that the five agonists I’m actually in them, I’m moving through them.
So if you’re listening to this, check in with yourself. Are you in them right now? If you are, which one are you with? And if you’re in those lucky five territories, which one are you prioritizing first? Because when you prioritize self as the first territory, you leave emptiness behind, which is the first agony, and unlock the first freedom of peace.
And as you can imagine, with the level of peace you have experienced, you no longer chase money to be good enough or to be the man or look a certain way. You’re no longer relying on all those things outside of you, the book, the car, the holiday, whatever it is, not to show everyone that you’ve made it and that you’re the man. Because that tug of war that you feel inside of yourself is no longer there. So you’re able to be present with yourself and be at peace with yourself. And when you’re able to be there, you’re then able to be there with your family as well. And often, when the women in our lives start to pull away, it’s because they’re not being provided for, and it’s got nothing to do with money.
When they’re not provided for emotionally, they feel vulnerable to attack because they don’t have the solid emotional container of a man to relax and surrender into and bounce around it. So when that’s not there, it’s like, well, who’s going to protect me? Who’s going to be there for me? But if we’re not able to be there for ourselves, how can we be there for others? So the first territory itself, you’ll experience peace, and then you move to health. So you can have the energy and vitality to enjoy life with your wife, your family, and your friends. And then the third one is relationships. And that’s when you start to get into the tactics and strategies to grow and deepen the connection in the relationship. And the guys in that traditional method, as you know Doug, are taught something called the triad of connection to help deepen that and carve out yet. After having the first two territories in place, they are only taught that even though they may come to us and say that I just caught on Amazon and my wife’s about to leave me. Shall we explore and give them some tools to use in our instance, but we’ll still bring them back to the first territory. Because we know that it all starts there.
Doug Holt 10:13
Guys, I’m interrupting this episode because I want to know, do you feel bored? Burn out or broken? Discover the system that over 300 businessmen use to let go of the grind, find inner peace, and unlock unlimited personal power. So they can have more time, more intimacy, and better sex while living a life they love without stressing about work or feeling like a fraud. Head over to ThePowerfulMan.com/11 to see what this is all about. Alright, let’s get back to the episode. So true. And regardless of how painful that can be, you have to start with that first territory and start with yourself. Because that is why you know for this guy, my assumption, Tim, that’s probably why he missed the signals. He missed the fact that his wife is reading a book about divorce. He missed all those other signals because he wasn’t taking care of himself first. If you’re taking care of yourself, you’re much more aware and much more present.
Tim Matthews 11:20
Yeah, exactly. We’ve had a lot of times, Doug, that the men at The Alpha Reset had told us that their wives had been the happiest before they started the business. Because they were there with them, they were present. The guys at that point had woken up to this genuine desire, an urge to conquer the world, if you will, and lost themselves in the process. You can triumph and have the relationship, yet if you leave yourself for the start line, you run in the wrong race. We often talk about being one destination on two paths, and you’re going to get there regardless, because the type of guy you are, you’re going to win the race, you’re going to achieve success. Do you want to achieve it? You want to arrive at the finish line beaten, battered, and bruised, crawling over it with nothing left to give? Or, do you want to come there with a smile on your face, holding hands with the people you love? It’s a choice. And like you said, so well, if he would have had the first territory, and I’m making assumptions here. You tell me whether or not he did have the first territory on lockdown. I imagine he didn’t because that’s the power we’ve seen in hundreds of men. But you’re right, if he does have it on, if he didn’t have on lockdown and he does, then yeah, you’re aware of the warning signs, you see them come in. Because you’re there, you’re present, and you’re at peace. But not only that, Doug, you should see my expressions in my hands again, I love. Not only Doug, but also his wife, more than likely his wife would have felt like she could speak to him as well. Because in my experience, women will tell us in subtle ways at the beginning because they want us to see ourselves. And they won’t continue to scream and kick and shout, not all women anyway. They’ll just reach a point where it is so difficult to get them back.
Doug Holt 13:26
Oh, it’s so true. And to answer your question, this guy, I don’t think he had any of the territories on lockdown business, was his go-to, of course, as it is for many of us entrepreneurs. But truth be told, he didn’t even have that on lockdown. The perception of him having it on lockdown was there. And I think that the stress of trying to keep that mask on that perception bled into all the other areas degrading and often are more than likely. And I don’t know all the particulars. I know quite a bit from that conversation. But my guess is, he stopped showing up at home, he stopped coming in. And so his family, which happens to a lot of guys, can resonate with this one. He gave everything he had, the good stuff, to work. And when he got home, he was tired, sitting on the couch, having a drink. I just didn’t want to be left alone for the most part. Maybe spend some time with the kids, but his wife and his kids got the crap, got the leftovers. They didn’t get the sweet stuff, his business got the sweet stuff, and it wasn’t even doing well, which further compounded, I would imagine further compounded his regret and his stress.
Tim Matthews 14:44
But often speak to men and ask them where you are vulnerable to attack in your five territories? We often liken it to the pack, you know, a pack of wolves protecting their territory and getting a few regions together. Suppose you’re running around exhausted trying to keep up the facade, that you’ve got it all together when in reality, you feel like it’s falling apart behind closed doors. In that case, you’re going to be vulnerable to attack, whether it’s in the first territory, in self, and you’re vulnerable to attack theirs through burnout. Whether it’s through the second territory of health, you’re susceptible to illness or injury or disease because you’re looking after your health. Or maybe third territory, relationships, and you are vulnerable to attack, thereby your wife going on Amazon and looking at how to divorce because pay me attention. The signs of being susceptible to shooting in all of these areas. So you got to look at guys. Where are you vulnerable to attack? Have you got that first territory on lockdown? And if not, then what do you get to do to get it on lockdown?
Doug Holt 16:01
Yeah, sometimes gentlemen have to do with getting optics right and seeing where you are, whether from a mentor, a coach, or somebody outside of you that can help you look inward and see what you’re missing. And look at those challenging areas to figure out what you do need to get on lockdown.
Tim Matthews 16:22
I mean, sorry Doug, the knee-jerk reaction here is to go all-in and relationships. My wife’s looking at the book on Amazon; she’s looking at how to win a divorce. I’m either going to go all-in on my relationship, or I’m going to go all-in on finances and protect myself. But yeah, they’re going to go all-in on relationships. But that’s not sustainable. I used to do this, and we’ve seen this in a lot of the men. It’s almost like a pendulum of extremes that they swing through firefighting, running from one territory to another to pile the fire that’s there. But they do it with such intensity and urgency that it’s just not sustainable. And then they’ll run across to the other one, and then do that. And then the other one, and again, the urge here is to run straight to the relationship. And, of course, those conversations I get to be had there for sure. And then there’s the solution that could have this is one that allows you to have consistency.
Doug Holt 17:24
Love it. So Tim, give me a couple of things besides running around and checking your Amazon Prime account to see what your spouse might have been or your partner might have been reading or downloading. By the way, you can do this on Audible, as well. But besides that, what are a couple of things these guys can do right now.
Tim Matthews 17:46
If you feel like you’re dropping the ball in your relationship, just have a conversation. Just be honest, how you may want to go about this, I’ll use an example. I’ve used it with Amelia in the past because I’ve dropped the ball all in the past. Hey Amelia, I realized that lately, I have not been paying you as much attention. I realized; recently, I’ve been working late, and I said that I would. And then afterward, I’ve just been too tired and too exhausted to pay the attention that I want to pay you and that you deserved. And I’m sorry for that, and I want you to know that I see it and I’m sorry for that. And I promise I’m going to make a change.
If you’ve had that conversation many times before, then obviously, maybe it will work this time. If you have had that conversation many times before then, you’ve got to get honest with yourself as to why you keep working late in this situation and ignoring the relationship. Is it that there’s something deeper going on for you, such as the first agony of emptiness? That no matter how much you achieve, it’s just never enough, so you’ve got to keep on going and going and going and going. Because you’ve got this insatiable void inside of you that no matter what you achieve, it just can’t be satisfied. And get to the root of it if that’s the case for you so you can see you can overcome it. And then the third one would be to start to direct some attention onto your relationship. If it’s important to you and you want to be with the person you were, then you want to grow and flourish together, then do that. Whether it’s a date night, each week, whether you sit down and come up with some things you both love to learn and grow together, you know Doug you and I agreed this or whatever that looks like, for example, Amelia, she’s away in Portugal right now. She gets back tonight, in fact, and while she’s been there, she’s been sending me some links to this concert that she was saying looks good.
So I’ve bought the tickets for that for us. That’s in a couple of weeks. First, I sent her a screenshot of the confirmation of the keys. No, no, what am I doing? What am I doing? surprise her. So I deleted it, and it was on WhatsApp. So when you delete it, he says delete for everyone, which I did. But it leaves that thing that said this message was deleted. So Amelia, is texting me going, what did you want? What did you post? Fine, nothing, forget about it. And then I know that she will come back and want to take the dogs for a walk. So I want to arrange some time in my day to go to the field with her and go and walk the dogs. And there’s a couple of other things. But the point I’m making here with this is I’m making a conscious effort to invest some time and energy into the relationship. Because I know that if I tell myself, I’m too busy, and when we have, let’s say, reached a certain level of revenue, or certain people in place, or whatever it is, whenever we have that thing in place, that’s when I’ll give her more time and attention. I know that our time will never come because of my belief system, and that time may be too late. So have the conversation, look to see if there’s a deeper, a deeper route going on for you. And the third is to invest some time and energy into the relationship if you want it to flourish.
Doug Holt 21:24
Beautifully said, my friend. Well, I’m going to forward this episode to the gentleman I was talking to; I have his LinkedIn account pulled up, and I’m going to go ahead and share that with him right away. Gentlemen, I encourage you guys also to do the same. Share this episode with somebody you know needs to hear it and show them that you care. It’s as simple as that, and it’s just an act of bravery, an act of love essentially to send out there. Tim, as always, thank you so much for being on again. And I loved hearing your words of wisdom, my friend. And guys, we will see you next time on The Powerful Man show.
