If you want to see a big change in your life, you need to start taking bigger steps. Invest in yourself, take a stand for yourself and commit to your growth. Exercise your free will, and it will open the path of possibilities.
You have to realize that you always have a choice, and you can change that choice at any moment. Stop complaining. When you don’t believe you have a choice, you cast yourself as a victim. Don’t pretend that your hands are tied, don’t act like you’re a victim, and don’t act like you are being forced into anything.
Because you are not.
In this episode, we are going to talk about how to stop complaining and making excuses, how to exercise free will, knowing your priorities, and taking massive action.
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Head over to our https://www.thepowerfulman.com/the-alpha-reset/ page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also, listen on:
Tim Matthews 0:00
Either sell and accept the fact that you’re going to make a little bit less money, but you’re going to be able to work on yourself or accept the fact not going to be able to work on yourself in exchange for making money—crazy jobs. Yeah, but now you just don’t get it. It’s just not as easy as that. I’m known for what I do. That’s what you want to celebrate. Stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and say that you won’t change because you don’t.
Doug Holt 0:28
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The powerful man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “the powerful man” Matthews. Tim, what’s going down?
Tim Matthews 0:43
Right now, the sunshine is going down. It’s a nice sunset, and it’s over there.
Doug Holt 0:48
Fine, am I supposed to say, Tim? You, alright?
Tim Matthews 0:53
All right! People think that’s because I look like an allergy. But it’s not. It’s because I say you all right.
Doug Holt 1:00
Oh, it’s a UK thing, man. Not like that. But I mean, it’s how I say it. But in the States, we might say, Hey, man, what’s up? How are you doing? How’s it going? But a common thing that I’ve seen and observed, friends and guys in the UK that always starts, hey, Doug, you alright?
Tim Matthews 1:20
So people in the US say, What’s going down?
Doug Holt 1:24
They might say that, yeah, older people like me.
Tim Matthews 1:29
That doesn’t happen in the UK. I was going down. Yeah, I’m pretty certain we don’t say that. Tell you what, I was watching Billions last night with maybe you can clear this up. So you know, Mike Prince and his assistant?
Doug Holt 1:43
Mike Prince? Which one’s Mike Prince?
Tim Matthews 1:45
A big, bald dude, who’s taking axes, pains, and all that stuff.
Doug Holt 1:50
Tim Matthews 1:51
So they sound British to me, and Amelia is like, No, they’re not British, they’re American. And I’m like, no, that British.
Doug Holt 2:01
They’re not British.
Tim Matthews 2:02
They’re not British, neither are they.
Doug Holt 2:05
I don’t know about the woman. You’re talking about the assistant district attorney, and I think that is what his role is or something.
Tim Matthews 2:10
No, no, I’ll send you a link to any way you can vox me this. But I am certain.
Doug Holt 2:16
I know who you are talking about
Tim Matthews 2:18
I was like, what am I hearing? Like? Why is it so difficult for me to understand?
Doug Holt 2:22
I know who you are talking about now. I don’t think they might be
Tim Matthews 2:28
Interestingly, people can look at this, like Tricia shows me those pictures. Oh, how cool was that? I was like, and it’s gray. They were like, that is so weird. Jim is a brother. He says blue. Oh, this is purple. I’m like, no, this is gray. People see and interpret things right. Which kind of feeds into this topic?
Doug Holt 2:49
Yeah, absolutely. Here’s something that came up, we had a guy in the movement, a great guy. I’m trying my best not to give him away, but I think this is an important conversation. Because I know a lot of men face something similar. So guys were listening to this, here, kind of the setup, and see where, if anywhere, this is a play on your life. He wants to change, right? He wants to work on his marriage. He wants to work on his health. I mean, this guy’s an A player across the board, right? He wants to be an MVP, ex-athlete, multi-sport, ex-athlete, just a stud. And he wants to improve in all areas. However, he’s not. He’s not making the big leaps and changes necessary or consistently to do so. And the reason being is he’s got to make money.
Tim Matthews 3:51
But he thinks that’s the reason?
Doug Holt 3:53
Well, that is exactly what he would say it’s, I can’t do this. I have to be at work. I got to do this to make money. Now, granted, he’s making a lot. He’s making large sums of money by anybody’s standards. We’re talking seven-figure weeks that is to do take home wise. And so what’s happening for him is he’s almost like golden handcuffs in a way, but he keeps having these ideas. I want to do this with the kids, my wife myself, I want to fill my soul, my cup, I’m not happy. Yet, he keeps going back to the well. I have to make more money. I have to make more money into that story. So, Tim, we see this happen time and time again. This is nothing unusual at all. You said something interesting to him recently. What was that you said?
Tim Matthews 4:51
So he was talking about doing the work. Why don’t you just get it, Tim? It’s really difficult for me to make the calls, what do you expect me to do just leave my desk at that time? I’m like, Well, listen to you. I mean, a choice is to either sell and accept the fact that you’re going to make a little bit less money. But you’re going to be able to work on yourself. Oh, you accept the fact, you’re not going to be able to work on yourself in exchange for making more money. The choice is yours. Yeah, but no, you just don’t get it. It’s just not as easy as that. Because I, you know, I’m the top producer, known for what I do. And I set the standard, like, cool. So that’s what you want, then celebrate that, and stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and say you want to change because you don’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that, right? There’s no shame in life, just accept it, to save your marriage and to be faced and a lot of great work in his marriage. And is that as much as they possibly can? There’s always more to do; obviously, I get there, we’re on a journey. But he’s in a lot of great work on himself. And, for any marriage to work, it also takes two people, right. So he’s arrived at a point in his marriage, where it’s like, Look, I want to be having more sex. Cool. So you get to put some boundaries in place. And you get to communicate some consequences when certain things are not met because it’s not a standard for you that you’re not willing to accept is not having X amount of sex. Or you just accepted that you’re not going to have sex, as much sex as you want. Well, no, you just don’t get it’s not as easy as that. Well, it kind of is, you can’t get divorced; I’m not telling you to get divorced. I’m just telling you to realize that you have a choice. And you’re not strapped into any decision, and you have a choice. You can change your choice at any moment. And stop complaining because you’re acting as though you don’t have a choice. You’re acting like a victim. I keep being forced to be in this relationship where you’ve been forced to work at this time in this where you’re not. I feel like you are because you’ve tied up so much of your identity around these things. But you’re not.
Doug Holt 7:42
Well, there were a number of important things here for me. And this and this is very common, right guys, you’re listening to this, we’re kind of breaking this case study down, not because of this guy, this guy’s awesome. But because we see it so much in different elements, right? So I want you to test the elements. And if any of this sounds familiar to you guys, I’m guaranteeing a lot of this will ring true in different areas of your life. Right? Maybe it’s your relationship, and maybe it’s your fitness, your health, or what have you. But there are a couple of things here. One is this guy; since I’ve met him has made tremendous leaps and bounds. He doesn’t see it. He doesn’t, and one of the reasons he doesn’t see it is so easy for him always to be looking for the next thing and fall a bit more into victim mode. Now, why do you fall into victim mode? Well, it’s not because he’s not strong, because he’s the super strong man. The reason you do is the “or,” ah, I got to do this or beyond the calls with the coaches and the leadership team `and, and this, that and the other. I can either spend time with my wife or make this extra couple million dollars to pay for whatever it may be. Right? So we talked about choices and free will, and everything else. There are always three that you have, right? You always have three options, and what doesn’t know you don’t get it. Okay, I heard that many, many times. If it’s one thing, that’s not a choice, right? It’s a directive, and there’s no choice but to do this. There’s nothing there. Right to write, I’m going to do this or that. That’s a dilemma. That’s not a choice. That’s a dilemma. A choice happens when there are three options. And by the way, guys, there are always three options. Always. You can go through this scenario. I’ve been through it hundreds of times with different guys. There are always at least three options. Usually, a lot more, you know, just we have to get out of that box of what was my victimhood to see it. I was there, and I got it. I used to do this. I have to grind out work, or I can go out or do something fun for myself. And that’s the way classically society teaches us the reward system. When you do this, you’ll get that. Really? is that the only map? The only way to get there? It seems like guys coming out of the matrix, and I’ve plugged that figure out another way. I’m digressing a little bit. We talked about one destination and two paths. Go look that up, you guys in previous podcasts; we have some videos around that if you’ve been to The Alpha Reset, you’ve probably seen either myself or Tim drawing it up on the board, or maybe one of the other coaches, really important to get back there. So the key here, right, is when you don’t believe you have a choice. You naturally have a dilemma when you have a dilemma that naturally puts you in the victim’s place, right? When someone takes your choice, your actual freedom, and choice, it naturally puts you in the victim’s seat. No one’s going around saying, Oh, I’m a victim, pity me. But, uh, watch your language, watch the way you’re speaking about it. Right? It’s not my fault. You don’t understand data. That’s victimhood. And that’s because you’re in a dilemma. What’s that third option? And that’s what you want to look at here. So for this guy, and then when you’re talking to him and he’s saying this. One, if I recall, he couldn’t get on at the time. You know you don’t understand he’s missed the last couple with getting he agreed to be on them. And into the times and the times being there. But that’s not the point. The point is how you get into this state, right? How do you get into this area? To continue with the conversation.
Tim Matthews 11:35
I mean, in terms of how it gets in, I mean, for him, it’s been a way of operating for so many years, right? For so many years, he thought that he had to do all these things. Because he finds that trap of believing that the way to provide is to go out there and make money, right, and there’s nothing else any anything you need to do, in some respects, obviously be there for his kids. But still, the lie that a lot of guys have been fed, right. That was what led them to live in from the outside in versus inside out and going down the whole path of the five agonists, which was spoken about before. So for him, really this conversation, I wanted him to remember that he had a choice and always had a choice. And to realize that story had been telling himself well knows either this or that just wasn’t true. Because if he would have chosen, well, you know, I’m going to be on the call. And yeah, it might mean that I make a little bit less money because I can’t be at work at this particular time. And certain things happen. And this certain thing happens. Why am I found, and what we often find is for the men to then invest in themselves. Beyond these calls, they often end up making more money. Because by default, by the men taking a stand for themselves, sticking up a fork in the ground, and committing to their growth, it forces them to find solutions. Okay, well, if I’m going to be on this call at this time, what gets to happen? Then if I could make more money while you know, can my team do it? Hmm, okay, what would the need for me to not be there? But for them to do it? Okay, how can I empower some of them to be the top producers instead of me? What that looks like, huh? Okay. What I’m making here when she says once you remember because I think that’s part of the process here remembering that you have a choice. And you start to exercise that free will. It puts you on the path of possibilities. But you’ve got to have something he committed to. Right. I’m going to commit to this call. So I can invest in myself because I recognize the importance of it. That’s the standard for me. So I work, you’ve been working out a ton, Doug. Right? So it’s like, working out is the standard. Tim? I’ve got to be off this call in 10 minutes. I’m working out. The call and fits in around you working out because that’s become the standard, right? Same thing with this.
Doug Holt 14:32
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Yeah, so I mean, that’s perfectly what I was going to dovetail to. So that’s great. His priorities. What are your priorities? I’ll use another example that a lot of guys can relate to. And when I’ve been in, right, I’m going to drop 10 pounds, you know, 20 kilos, whatever. I’m going to drop weight going through, and then I go out, and I get pizza. I get a hamburger, and I get a milkshake. I eat ice cream. I don’t exercise. If I keep telling that story to people, right? Oh, yeah, I’m going to get in great shape. My health is so important to me; the way I look is so important to me. My fitness is so important to me, yet I don’t work out. I don’t show up to my gym or my trainer. I’m shoving shitty food in my face. Eventually, people are going to stop lying. You’re lying. The choices you’re making do not align with what you say are your priorities. Now here’s the worst part about this guy: that hypocrisy that is created inside yourself will rip you to shreds. Because you know, better than I know that you’re lying to yourself, your subconscious mind is hearing you say these lies over and over again. And most of us again, I’ve been there before. So I get it. Most of us do this. I’ve been doing this for so long that we don’t even hear it anymore. It’s just it’s become a story of who we are. The story of this gentleman’s story is that I have to be the top producer. I have to do this. You don’t understand. That’s an identity story. Do you want to be known as a top producer? When you’re 70 or as the most amazing husband? The best father? What’s important to you to go through? Because these are stories, guys. If we’re saying year after year, we want to fix our marriage. Suppose you haven’t been to The Activation Method. It’s kind of put up or shut up. Stop complaining about it. You’re going to be in a sexless marriage. You don’t get it, you’ve been deactivated, you don’t know how to reactivate yourself listening to podcasts is good. Audiobooks are good. But if you want to take a big leap, you need to take a bigger stretch and invest in yourself. If you’ve been a jerk for 20 years, it’s not going to change, you’re not going to flip the script, and one day or 6 chapter book isn’t going to fix that situation. It’s going to take time, and it’s going to take some personal work, some paradigm shifts, some programming shifts. If you have the right program, the right coaches, you’ll get there if you stay the course, just like in sports. He’s got to stay the course. Some people got better sprinters, and some are better long-distance runners, whatever. But you stay the course with the program. You’ll get it. You’ll get there, especially when it’s got a proven track record like ours. I mean, it’s proven to work time and time again. And it only gets better all the time. The point being right is you got to give up that story. Right. This gentleman needs to give up that story he’s telling, and you don’t get it. Yeah, I want to work on myself. But the dilemma. The dilemma means I’m the victim. Don’t you understand me? Don’t be a victim. The question is, how can I make this work? How can I do my business? Save my marriage? Do all these things? How can I make this work? And maybe it does come down to, and you can’t do it all right now. Maybe that is then what your priorities are? What’s most important to you? And if you tell me your marriage is the most important for you, tell me your health is to get you to put business first. You’re lying. Because if you’re listening to this show, you don’t have a computer, you have a smartphone, and you’re doing okay? Are you surviving at least right? I’m guessing most of you are thriving. Now comparison, Tim may make a million, and Tim might say, well, 10 million my standard a year. Got it. There’s a gap. That’s not the point. If Tim’s priority is to work on his relationship with Amelia, his partner, yet he’s not spending any time with her. He’s not investing in coaching, which he is, by the way, he’s not investing all of these things to make that relationship better. Then I would tell Tim to shut up. Stop complaining, Tim. Things of that nature.
Tim Matthews 19:56
And that was I kept pressing this gentleman on this point. But accept it. Accept it. Every story that got thrown back cool. So you choose in this accept that I’m going to have that after a few times he landed, and yeah, okay, cool, well, I’m going to change it then. Because Yeah, the idea of accepting and putting the sod down, laying the tools down, and that moment that you stop lying to yourself, and you realize that you are lying to yourself and that you either choose to accept one of the realities that you’ve created for yourself, or you choose to change it? That’s freedom; that’s the liberation right there at that moment because you realize you accept, you stop the lie, which keeps you trapped. And you’re able to move one way or another. But it’s a very powerful place to be at that point. And, yeah, I think people just forget the power and the ease with which they can have agency over themselves. Yeah,
Doug Holt 21:10
I mean, look, you know, I have a one-year-old, my, we had our child, I gained a bunch of weight, and I was bitching to complain about it. And what I do, I went out and hired, I got a gym soon, as soon as I could with COVID, and hired someone, so I was accountable to them regularly. I have 18 different degrees and certifications in fitness and health, and I know what to do. But it was either Shut up and just be a fat guy. Or do or take massive action, and do something about it. Right. And now I love it. I’m back in. I’m doing what I love to do. My wife’s going with me, and it’s fucking fantastic. And I’m saying this guy is if you’re constantly complaining about is your health, that’s number where I got my fitness is number one, get a trainer right now pause, hire a trainer, throw down some cash, you can do it and whatever you’re going to do is going to be an investment in time and capital, right? Time and capital, financial capital could be social capital, etc. If it’s your business, you’re saying, you know, my business is the number one thing to me, great, get a business coach, get someone to help you put it through someone who’s been there who’s going to accelerate things for you. Get a consultant; get someone who does great work that can take you. Instead of taking five years to get your goal, it’s going to take a year or less, right? Someone’s going to lay that foundation and make it easier for you. You’re saying, Doug, my relationship, my marriage is number one, my kids are number one, then you get your ass in The Activation Method right now. Get into The Activation Method, stop complaining; it’s going to be investing time capital, and just do it. Otherwise, you gotta own it. Or maybe it’s another area for you. Maybe it’s something else that you’re saying is the number one thing in your life. It’s above your relationship, right? Whatever it is, maybe your spirituality, my relationship with God. That’s number one. Awesome. Awesome. Get yourself in a Bible study, get yourself into, you know, into the mosque or synagogue or whatever your religious preference is. Whatever you’re telling me is your number one priority for most of us men. It’s going to be our marriage or relationship. Right. And I’m married. And our kids. Are you making that a priority? Yeah, yeah, it’s my priority. Cool. Here is another exercise, guys. Open up your calendar right now. Right now. I have family time a lot on my calendar. Tim has seen it. A lot of people have seen it. Where is that? Your priority on your calendar?
Tim Matthews 23:46
Mine is meeting with Doug, meeting with Doug, meeting with Doug.
Doug Holt 23:51
Well, Tim, you have your priorities in order meeting with Doug. So my guess is, guys, you’re going to look at your calendar. It’s going to be mostly business-related things. And so now we want to look at where your priorities are for fitness again; I’m going to challenge you. If you’re saying the number one thing in your life is your fitness, get a trainer. I don’t care what you know what you don’t know, just hire a trainer for a while. So they get your button gear or nutritionist. If it’s in your marriage, right with your kids, you have to get into The Activation Method to get reactivated. You just have to. There are no two ways about it. Right? If it’s with you knowing something else in your life you’re saying is number one, then do that. Right? Get a coach, get a trainer, get a code, just invest time and resources and prove that these are your priorities. Or, or just accept that you’re lying to yourself and let it go.
Tim Matthews 24:44
Yeah, be a lot easier just to do one of those two things. Acceptance that lies in our change so much easier. It’s so much harder to stay on the fence. Yep. So much harder. The shame that goes with it the story tells us it takes so much more energy to straddle that thin fence and keep you balanced and to stay on it than it is just to jump off one side. And then land on the ground, you can relax, it feels good to be here. And, you know, you decide which side of the fence you want to jump off.
Doug Holt 25:23
I’ve been their man, Tim. I know you have to; we’ve all had. We eat our cooking, right? There’s no doubt about that. I mean, timber wanted to invest in his relationship. And so he had a coach who’s been working with for over a year now, for him and his partner. That’s helping them take them to the next level, right? They’re proactive rather than reactive. So guys, I just can’t. I’m so adamant about this. I’m passionate. I love this guy. And the words I’m, you know, talking about, he’s an amazing man. And, you know, as a coach, you can just see, we’ve been coaching for so long. You can just see inside this guy’s soul, just such a sweet, great guy, super intelligent, super nice. You know, the kind of guy you’d want to get a beer with and just help out, right? You’d be happy to help him move, right? He’s that guy. And just want the best from him, and I want the best for you guys listening to this. And look, I’ve been there like I said, but really, you’re complaining about it. You need to take massive action or just settle.
Tim Matthews 26:25
Yes, I don’t know as scary as you think, either. You know, you can be so scared of the story that you’ve built up, and the energy that’s gone with it, and the emotion that there’s so much wrapped up within that story that keeps you on the fence. When you jump, you realize, Ah, that was easier. Wow, people don’t give a shit. Oh, ouch. Has worked out. Oh, you start to realize all these things. You got just to jump.
Doug Holt 26:55
Yeah, it is a scary thing to me to settle that. Oh, that’s me. I mean, I’m an unusual cat. Right? So anyway, guys, what I want you to take from this is just list your priorities. Write down your top three or four of your top three priorities in your life, right, and use the five territory’s easy way of doing it. Right? Self-health, wealth, relationships, business, right order were the top three for you. How is your life reflecting those top three? Or is it for most people, mostly men, and Tim and I have both been in situations where business is number one when you look at how we’re living out our life? Yet in business, maybe in the top three, but usually it’s not in the top two when you sit down with someone and talk about what’s important to them. It’s a really important rocking chair test. Take some and then start taking massive action, whatever it is for you. Again, it’s fitness and health; get a trainer, join the gym. It’s going to come in your house with the nutrition now, your relationship, get on a call with one of the advisors when the alumni about The Activation Method, see if it’s the right fit for you. Or try something else. The right would do something. Alright, guys, that’s a wrap for us today. As always, you know, if you’ve been here before, we’d love for you to leave a review. Also, jump over in the Facebook group, guys. We have a free Facebook group if you don’t know about it. So the coaches hang out. We’re in there often posting questions, some great conversations going on in there. And we’d love to know what you think about this episode, in particular, right this episode’s got a lot of meat to it if you digest it. I love to hear what you think about it over there. And if it’s your first time with us, go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. And go ahead and grab the reignite cheat sheet. It’s going to be up there for a little bit longer. We will be changing that out shortly. From what the rest has told us of the team, they will be switching that out. Make sure you get over that so you can reignite your relationship and get a couple of things started. That’s a wrap for us guys; as always, take some action. See you next time.