Episode #368
When you see a gap in yourself, you work to address it on your path to becoming a better man, right? So why do you hold back from calling out the gaps you see in others?
People fear that they’re going to be rejected for pointing out what’s going on. If we are a team and we are committed to achieving a goal together, then if we don’t call out the gaps that we see in someone else, we’re sacrificing our own progress – because as a team we all achieve that one goal together.
A lot of people want to be accepted because they feel that it’s safer. Wanting to be liked, accepted, and wanting others to enjoy our company prevents us from stepping in and leading. As a leader, you need to call out the gaps. You have to bear the risk of people not accepting you – so that you can the right thing for yourself and the team.
In this episode, we talk about core values – how to call out the gaps, why people hold back from doing this, how to stop the cycle, and how to lead properly and powerfully.
————-
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
————-
Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
My thing is that fear of rejection, being rejected, kicks in. And I think for many people, it’s just this pre-programmed in us to be accepted by. Right we’re safer or accepted, that is to believe we’ve to think we are. And I think it’s that natural response to wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted, wanting people to enjoy our company that prevents many people from stepping in and leading. Right as the leader, you get to be called against. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going on, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
Yeah, I’m doing very well and jumped higher. New well and I was tired from leads about three hours ago, I think. Great trip. Very mixed, kind of empty, fulfilling, really pleased to have been there from a family. I think last week, after we finished recording, I think I drove up there. I got there about 11 pm last Wednesday. And then wanted to come back here today. So yeah, I’m good. I’m good. How are you?
Doug Holt 1:17
Awesome, man. United great conversation. Before that. I just still laugh at Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. And for those newer to the podcast, or maybe even last year, they’re new. They don’t know how that all started. But it still entertains me. So I enjoy it.
Tim Matthews 1:37
Yeah, what’s so funny about it? Don’t you see it?
Doug Holt 1:43
I do see him and that you’re one of the people in the world that I respect, and you put your money where your mouth is. And that’s one of the definitions; we define what a powerful man’s question we get off is, we get asked often by the guys or through the podcast, and one of the areas is just being authentic, continuously growing yourself. And those are things that you hold. Those are your attributes. We can give you all kinds of different titles and names. But this one’s fitting. And it started as a little bit of jest and joke. But it kind of rings true.
Tim Matthews 2:25
I love it. When some of the men in the movement call me, I mean as a man calls me many different names. So it’s some nice, sometimes not so powerful man in the bedroom.
Doug Holt 2:35
Yeah, I’m sure she does in her head. After she does as well. She just can’t
Tim Matthews 2:42
Imma handles her mouth.
Doug Holt 2:46
Now we’re going to get lots of emails.
Tim Matthews 2:48
Yeah, yeah. So something I wanted to say so I brought some tables today. So as Doug, one of our core values of The Powerful Man, within our organization, like within the team, is calling out the gaps in the greatness that you see in yourselves and in others, right, we have some of the core values you have four just to give the listeners some context here, we’ve got as the first one, we drive it home. So it’s all about going the extra mile. If you see something amiss or a gap drive at home, if you lead in one of the men, you drive it home, just drive it home, right. The second one is we live a focused life. So we live the message before we sell the message, quote, unquote, and serve the message we live in. The third one is that we, as I said, call out the gaps and the greatness that we see in ourselves and others. And the fourth one is that we have fun, enjoy the journey, have fun and laugh at ourselves on the way. So one that sometimes the team tends to struggle with the most. They do well with the mall, but the one that tends to be a bit of a gap from time to time is number three, clean up the gaps. The greatness, right. And we’re on the TV and this week when we, and just so you guys know, we came up with the core values together as a team every quarter. And at the end of every quarter, everybody rates everybody on the team as to how they live the core values, right, and the ratings visible.
Everybody seemed to see so we can have honest and open conversations. So anyway, I was speaking with one of the team last week, we had to let somebody go recently, who was on the team because it just wasn’t. It just wasn’t the right place for that person. And an amazing response was received by one of the team members who took it on board for him to take responsibility because he didn’t call out the gaps that he saw with this team member. Right. And he felt really bad about this. He said, well, I just wonder if I had mentioned To him that I saw these gaps, he might have changed them sooner. Now, the guy was only on the team for four weeks. And we’re very quick to spot when somebody isn’t a cultural fit. The culture is so strong that honestly, it just kind of stands out, and everybody else in the team sees it is pretty obvious, which is great. Today we have a team meeting this Monday, as we asked the team Hey, so what? Why do you hold back the times from calling out the gaps you see in others? Because sometimes, the team isn’t always as direct and honest as they could be. All that came out about this was that they didn’t want to hurt each other’s feelings. They wanted to be nice, quote, unquote. But the trouble with this is if we’re a team, and we are all committed to achieving a goal together, right, then? If anyone on the team doesn’t call out the gap he sees in somebody else, then really, he’s self-sacrificing his progress. Because as a team we all achieve together, right.
And as I dived into this, with some of the people on the team, what became apparent was there were also other areas in life that they weren’t necessarily calling out the gaps at the SAR, which would tile leaks. Energetically, right? The great thing about a team is super coachable, Sunstate spot, something they often reject, right? So the reason why I want to bring this up is that we spoke in past episodes about how often patterns that you see in business are reflecting the relationship. So, for example, if the listener is listening to this, and it’s resonating. They’re avoiding having conversations with people on their team, they’re avoiding calling out the gaps of the sea, or even recognizing the greatness, merely calling out the gaps of the sea, because they don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings are come across as being a bit of a jerk, or whatever it is, then that will 100% Sharpen their relationship as well, because they’ll be self-sacrificing, and also self-sabotaging their own needs and desires, right. And then if you’re doing that in the business, and you’re making slow progress into the relationship, you’re going to have resentment you get, you’re going to struggle, it’s just a vicious cycle that you can get into. So if someone’s resonating with this, Doug, I’d love to open up a conversation about it. Why do you think people do this? And what can they do to break this cycle? And start calling out those gaps? Yeah,
Doug Holt 7:39
First of all, I love the core values that our team has developed together. But I think we look at calling out the gaps. I think what happens is people fear that they’re going to get rejected, right? The other person is not going to like them for pointing out what’s going on. And often, it’s just the opposite, right? Obviously, with our organization, The Powerful Man is a movement we have, we have a pretty big team that runs this, and everybody is coachable. And everybody wants to be part of a coaching organization that’s changing the lives of men and their families and their businesses and their communities. This puts us in an advantageous position, yet still, people are people, right. And if I call out to you, and I point out something that I see in you, Tim, as an example, as something that is a gap, I could worry that you’re going to get upset at me for pointing out your quote-unquote faults. And therefore, if you get upset at me, you’re going to be angry, you’re not going to like me, we’re not going to be friends, etc. And I think it’s that fear of rejection being rejected that kicks in. We’ve talked about in previous podcasts about brain chemistry, right? serotonin, oxytocin, oxytocin, etc. And I think for a lot of people, it’s just this. It’s pre-programmed in us to be at one to be accepted by people. Right, we’re safer when we’re accepted. We think we are. And I think it’s that natural response to wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted, wanting people to enjoy our company, right? That prevents a lot of people from stepping in and leading, right? Because the leader, you get to call it the gaps. As a leader, you have to take the risk of people not accepting you because you’re doing the right thing you’re leading.
Tim Matthews 9:35
As you said, this, the thing that’s screaming out in my mind, is a nice guy.
Doug Holt 9:41
Oh, it’s 100%. Nice Guy was proper.
Tim Matthews 9:43
The nice guy. If you think about it, think about your relationship. Right. Intimate relationship. Yeah. Suppose you were to take these traits into your intimate relationship, the lack of leadership, the lack of calling out the gaps, and wanting to be liked. In that case, this is where you end up doing the dishes and sacrificing your desires instead of going to work out on a morning, and you want to find ways to please your wife, you want to find ways to please everybody else except for yourself. And inevitably, you come across as being needy because you are needy. After all, you’re often drained, right? You’re running on empty because you’re not taking care of yourself. So there’s a real link here. And I think the opportunity that many people have is to reframe it, right, they look, cleaning out the gaps is a way that the people on our team do it. We can share that in a moment. I think the same applies to your intimate relationship as well. I had one of the team reach out to me yesterday, which I loved. So we’d ask him, Look, call out my gaps, call up my gaps, can’t see my blind spots, call out my gaps. One of the guys said, Hey, listen, haven’t had an issue for a couple of minutes, I think one or two minutes, let’s say a few things lately. And I know that’s below your standard. And I know that you wouldn’t let me have this pattern in my life. If it is a part, maybe it’s not, maybe something is going on that I don’t know about. But you wouldn’t let me settle in this way. Anything less than I deserve. So I’m just pointing this out for you. And if there’s any help I can give you with this, please just let me know. And I’m here to support you.
Right, which I thought was awesome. I reply, look, no help needed. I didn’t know the reasons why. But also, I’m going to make excuses. Call, listen, get it. Awesome. I get to do the work to look okay. What’s the root cause of that? Why am I a minute or two late, right? But it’s the same curiosity for him, and he took his same curious friend you can take in your relationship, right? You’ve mentioned on previous podcasts, hey, we agreed on this particular thing? Can you help me understand why it’s, why it’s not happening? Now I would agree that bum bum bum bum bum. And, again, just going back to our team for us when we are very clear on what everybody’s individual goals are, what their personal goals are, for the year, why they need to achieve it? Why it’s an absolute most like why now. And also, the goals are for the movement in the men that we’re helping then, and we’re able to have these conversations where we’re calling out the gaps from a place of really trying it from the best interest of the team and of the movement is the same thing in the relationship. Right? When she is clear on expectations, if you will, then it puts you in a position of saying, hey, I thought we agreed to this. It’s not happening to help me understand what, what can I do here? What help do you need from me? Again, back to your point earlier, there’s so much power in doing this. Because when you roll over, if you’re avoiding the conversations, being in business with your team members, and you are tolerating performance from people on your team that is below what you desire and maybe even need, then you’re going to take that level of settling into your relationship. And that isn’t attractive. It’s the opposite of leadership. It is abdicating your leadership. In fact,
Doug Holt 13:28
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and have found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom right away. Now let’s get back to the show. Yeah, I agree a hundred percent so let’s take a step back here. Because in my mind, where this starts at home, and in the office, or the movement we call a powerful man, is first setting standards agreeing upon the standards at which you’re willing to play, right? Because you can’t call it gaps unless the playing field, so to speak, right? And going there otherwise, you’re just saying hey, this is my opinion of what’s going on. This doesn’t feel good to me. This doesn’t show up well, whatever you might want to say. So you have to set those standards first and foremost, and those standards can also be discussed, which we talked about a lot with the guys, especially as they first go through The Activation Method is creating boundaries.
This is acceptable. This is not sometimes we take it to extremes if it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a fuck no. Right, and we say that a lot, so sorry for guys with kids in the cars, but that’s exactly how we dress the men. Sometimes as guys, we need it in black and white. Right? It’s not a fuck yes. Then it’s a fuck no. Because a lot of men have nice guy syndrome. They fall into deer, which we’ve talked about before they defend, explain excuses, and react. Right? They need to cut the cord, right? They needed a dividing line right away. Otherwise, it will just bleed in, though they’ll say yes to too much. So first, you got to set the standard set up for your business, but also set those standards and boundaries, your relationship? Is it okay for your wife to take off every weekend for a trip by herself? Is it okay for your wife to come home late drunk from the bars? Is it okay for you guys to sleep in separate bedrooms? Right, you have to set the standards by which you’re willing to play. Now, this doesn’t mean you become dictatorial at all, right? That we’re just going to say this is the way it is. And that’s how it’s going to be. Right? There’s some negotiation here. For example, for you mentioned, our core values, we get by in the whole team came up with those, it wasn’t just Tim, and I am sitting down and saying, This is what it’s going to be. Now we lead this conversation to be fair, right? And this is what the team came up with. Now, once that happens, then it’s on everybody to identify those gaps. Now I can say, Hey, we agreed on this. Can you help me understand why we’re not doing it? Can you help me understand your point of view?
Can you teach me your point of view of why this isn’t happening? And that’s when real leadership to meet him shows up is when that ability to do so even though you may get rejected even though somebody may not like it. And what tends to happen in my experience, and Tim, I’d love to hear yours. However, you and I talk about this a lot. What tends to happen is that people’s knee-jerk reaction is that getting upset at you can happen; actually, it’s not true. It didn’t tend to happen. But it can happen. And they get upset with you. But once they sit in it for a second or a few days, they come to realize that they’re not playing at their level. And you’re just there helping them. And a hundred percent of the guys I talked to when I say who was the coach in your sporting career, that benefited you the most? Was it the coach that always said, Hey, good job, good job, hey, the fourth place we still did well? Or was the coach that barked at you, yelled at you, and pushed you to be better to be the best athlete you could be. Hundreds of the guys say it’s the coach that pushed them. Maybe he was a dick at that time, you thought. But at the end of the day, he was the guy who’s getting the best out of you, and he’s getting the best out of you because he cared not because he was a jerk; he cared about you. And that’s where this comes in handy. And our team realizes this, and your wife will realize this to some degree, right within your boundaries, that when you do this from an energetic space of love, the energetic space of standing up for what’s right for the other person. That’s when you win the paradigm.
Tim Matthews 18:09
Yeah. If we were to call the gaps, make it about the boss, right? Have a philosophy in The Powerful Man that can apply to your relationship and apply to your family that everybody wins, right. And what that means is the man who comes into our world and is in the movement wins as an individual thing. It’s profitable as cash flow, and it can grow. It can help more men. The team wins. So they live a fuck yes life, quote, unquote, right? Their past is something that means something to them. They’re in a growth environment, their rough friends living up to their potential. And the world wins, right? The world wins by more amazing men going out into the world. So everybody wins. So if we’re operating by that philosophy, then and also we understand what each person’s individual goals are, we’re very clear on when somebody joins and according to the team, okay, so what does that forecast life look like for you, just like you would do with a man in the movement? Okay, cool. Now, roughly, how much money does it take for you to actually live that life, itemize it, get as accurate as you can, and then come out with a real clear figure that might be 9432 or 15,212. Then we’ll back that up into how they can generate that amount of cash each month, through the movement, right, be the compensation plan, be the growth plan, whatever it is. So then, when we call it out the gaps and hold them accountable and support them.
We’re holding them to the standard that they’re told us they want. They’re committed to being. We’re holding them to the standard that of that person they are, right? Because we see that in them. This is the same thing in your business or even in the relationship, right? So like you were saying, that 100% got to get clear on those standards, expectations in the relationship. And you may want things that your partner may not have one or vice versa, or you might be on the same page, whatever. Yeah, you’ve got to get clear on that first, and then agree upon where you are comfortable and hold each other accountable to that, right. Essentially calling out those gaps a simple way as a curious friend like who just mentioned in a minute ago, hey, I’m kind of curious. We both said that having time in a weekend, just those away from the kids, was important for his birth and that you’re going to take care of finding the purposes. But for the past couple of weekends, that hasn’t happened, and we’ve had the kids with us. I’m kind of curious, how can this happen? Is there anything I can help you with? I can help you find some baby says, always assuming the best and you the person, right? That’s key and taking the curious frame, and it lowers the guard and opens a conversation. Now, if that happens a second time and the third time, we’ll just kind of get into a different conversation. But yeah, just try to be curious for him, and assume the best, but he’s so important for you to not settle. Right for you to get clear on what it is you want. Not just in your relationship. Also, in business. And guys, you’d have to choose between your relationship or your business; many guys often think they do. You don’t, and you can have both. They can both be thriving, get clear on what that looks like for you, and commit to taking a stand because no one will take a stand for you.
Doug Holt 21:39
Yeah, no, it’s true. You got to take a stand-in and in here now. Right this moment, make your choice, right the worst place to be is on the fence. So the worst place to be picked aside and take that stand and draw that line and lead. It’s an important lead. So, Tim, I love this conversation. What are a couple of things the guys can do right now today in this moment of insight?
Tim Matthews 22:04
I say this often, and I’m going to keep saying it, I want you to look at the parallels between the problems you’re facing in business and how they’re showing up in the relationship because you’re going to be able to hit a double whammy here, guys, rather than thinking, the issue with the employee and productivity going down in taking three men to do one man’s job has been separate. First of all, the problems in your relationship are that we need to look at the link between the two. And see if there is one, I bet there is. Be surprised if there wasn’t. So look at that, right. The second thing I want you to get clear on is what it is you want. And start small, start simple with a simple shift, get clear on that, right. The third thing is to sit down and talk to your partner about that, get them on the same page, get buy-in from your team from your partner. Now some of you may not be in a position to get buy-in from your partner. Maybe they’re not interested, cool. Go and get buy-buy-in from your team, start taking a stand for yourself and your business, start creating boundaries there, practising the curious frame, and assuming the best there. Because it will bleed over into your relationship, there will be tiny agreements you’ll make with your wife throughout the week that you’ll then be able to start taking a stand for and start to take a stand for yourself, guys. Don’t fall into the trap of being a deer. Don’t be that guy who is not going to work for you. That’s not what she wants. It’s not what you want. So take a stand.
Doug Holt 23:33
Guys, you heard it here first. And guys, I’m going to encourage you, the guys in the alumni group go over to our private community, and they call out the gaps within each other all the time. It’s like having a hundred mini-coaches that got your back 24/7, and it’s amazing. For those of you who haven’t been involved in one of our programs yet, we can go over to the Facebook group. It’s a free group we have; there are about 3000 business owners in there, married business owners, some are separated, going through there, but they also have your gap. They are your back and call it the gaps, right? And what I’m going to encourage you to make sure you’re in that group is to speak up, declare what your standards are, and allow yourself to be held accountable. And the difference, as Tim said, is you want you to need to be coachable. Right. If you’re not coachable. No one can help you, including yourself. Right. The first person you need to be coachable to is you. And once you’ve been able to do that, you want to put in turnovers, some accountability and coachability to someone professional to help you out with that. So gentlemen, as always, take action in the moment, and we’ll see you next time.
