Close this search box.

How To Become A Leader Without Being Considered Controlling?

Episode #847

In this episode, we’re diving into one of the most common and challenging questions we receive: “How can I become the leader my wife desires without coming off as controlling?”

Join us, as we explore the concept of being the “lighthouse” in your relationship—showing up consistently and with integrity to guide those around you without dictating their every move. We’ll share personal anecdotes and practical examples of how to lead by example, create a collaborative environment, and make decisions that strengthen your bond with your wife.

From planning family trips to handling emergencies, this episode is packed with insights on how to take charge in a way that is attractive and reassuring, rather than overbearing. We’ll also touch on the importance of collaboration and the fine line between taking charge and being controlling.

Don’t miss this episode if you’re looking to transform your marriage by stepping into your role as a powerful, grounded leader. Tune in, take action, and lead your relationship with confidence!

Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

Also listen on:



Unknown Speaker  0:20  

What’s happening, guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show, and today is going to be a short one. Today, what I’m going to do is actually take some of the questions that I’ve gotten and do my best to answer them. So let’s start with this one. This one is a question that I got sent to me. It says, Doug, how do I take charge and become the leader My wife wants without coming off as controlling? This is a fantastic question. I really appreciate you sending this in.

The key here is to show up as what we call the lighthouse. And what I mean by that is you’re showing up consistently within your marriage, but in all areas of your life, you’re showing up as the guiding light. And when you do this with integrity and with the intent of helping those around you people tend the people want to follow you. People will choose to follow you, whereas controlling is just telling people what to do, right and trying to literally control all the things around you. You know, controlling would be needing to, you know, track your wife to make sure that she does things a certain way. That’s not leading, right? You want to lead by example first, and that’s where it really starts off with. And this is why so many men are able to change their relationships and save their marriages, by really showing up as the most powerful version of themselves. Because when you see somebody who is showing up authentically for themselves, as themselves, it’s attractive. And what I mean by attractive isn’t just sexy, because, although it is, you’re attracted to that person, right? Like, almost like a cult of personality, if you will. You want to know more about what they’re doing, what they’re up to. And this is why celebrities, people follow celebrities around or watch their Instagram on what they’re eating for breakfast and things like that because they’re aspirational. People want to aspire to be like what they’re putting out there into the world, and they become more familiar with us. So for you to be the leader of your house, the leader of your wife. It’s not a leader that tells them what to do. That’s a boss, right? And that’s different if you have employees and you just tell them what to do and they do it there, you’re not going to get as much productivity out of them, right? But whereas, if you lead them by example and you cultivate them and you really help them, you know, again, your staff. And there are tons of reviews, I think the Harvard Business Review has done, has written lots of articles on this, you get higher productivity. Well, similarly, you know, this goes in with your house. So when you show up as the man your wife’s always wanted you to be, and you can start leading by example, right and doing the right things, not telling her what to do, but offering suggestions, right, having a collaborative environment, if you will. So what could be an example here?

So here’s an example. If we’re going with my family, I’m gonna take my family to Europe in October. The powerful man, TPM, we’re doing an event in Prague, right? And so my wife has been on the fence about whether to go to not to go. Should she take the kids? Should she not take the kids? Does she want to go to Prague? Does she want to go to Germany? Do you want to go to Austria? Do you want to go to Sweden? What do we want to do? So instead of just telling her, Hey, here’s what you’re going to do, this, go book the tickets, get this. Get the kids out of school, let the teachers know. Instead of dictating to her, I create a collaborative environment. So, I might say something like, Hey, babe, what do you think you would rather go before or after the event? Now, I think after the event, I’ll probably have a little bit more time and bandwidth to really spend, and then we can adventure with the kids. Does that sound enticing? Now, I’m leading my wife, right? I’m leading her on a journey, right? I’ve given her an option before, and after, but if you go back, I led that person. I’m like, why after would be better? I’m kind of making this up on the fly, but this is actually really what happened in my house recently, or a version of it anyway, and then I’m leading. I’m like, Hey, why don’t I just take control of this? Why don’t I just take over, right? I could say something like that, but instead, what I would what I said to my wife was like, hey, look, why don’t we just go afterward, you and the kids can I fly out first because I have an event that I’ll be leaving, two events that I’ll be leading there. And then you guys, you and the kids can fly out, and you guys can fly business class out there. Be.

Nice. It was a fun experience. It’s sure, it’s a long flight, you know, for I have a four-year-old and a seven-year-old, and then when you guys get there, I can pick you up and we can go and we can check out the area. Would it be easier for you if I just went ahead and took care of all the logistics and planning and all of that? And my wife goes, Yes, that’d be so nice. Great. No problem. I’ll take care of all that for us. And so I’m leading her as the leader, right? I’m offering suggestions, but I’m bringing her options. Now, conversely, guys that are controlling, because I hear this from their wives, sometimes is they would say, hey, look, this is what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna fly out there. You’re gonna bring the kids. I wanna make sure you don’t pack any suitcases so it’s easier to get off. So take, you’re just going to take carry-ons, but make sure you bring this, this, this, and this. And when you arrive, you’ll do this, this, and this. And I want you to go ahead and show up to this hotel and you’re going to do this. They’re telling them what to do, right? That’s controlling. There’s not a bigger turnoff for a woman than a controlling man. Now, a man who takes charge? Very different story that’s very sexy for women, you can take charge in a way that’s not controlling. So here’s an example. What could that be? That could be, Hey, babe, we’re going out Thursday night. I got a babysitter. I want you to wear that sundress, that red one that you look oh so sexy in, and we’re going to be leaving at 6 pm so be ready, right? That’s a guy’s taking charge, not controlling the situation. We also have to have, in order to be able to do stuff like that, guys, you have to have a little element of collaboration in there too. 

There’s got to be give-takes in other areas. You can’t always just tell her, Hey, we’re going to do this. We’re going to do that. That is controlling, but taking charge, or taking charge of this situation, just as if there was an emergency, right? So when there’s an emergency at my house, a kid falls, falls off something, and this happened, this has happened and hits their head on a rock, so they’re now, they’re bleeding from their face. I jump in and take control, no matter who’s there, and I take charge unless there was, like an EMT or somebody It was there that I knew I would take charge of taking care of that kid. All right, hey, you know, I jump into the situation or, Hey, you go get bandages. They’re in the closet. You know, get those. You Hey, you’re gonna go get water, go get this. And I’ll start pointing to people on what to do. I’m not controlling but I’m taking charge of the situation so that everybody is safe, right? I’m doing it with very grounded masculine energy, as we call it, TPM, grounded masculinity. So I’m doing it with that energetic source, but you can do the same thing within a good date, for example, you take charge. That’s very sexy. It’s very reassuring to the people around you, and especially your woman, right? She wants to know that you can take charge and you can be there, right? You can, you can take charge of the energy, take hard charge of her femininity, so then she doesn’t have to worry about that stuff, right? She can check it out. So again, a great question. I think really the key here is leadership is you want to show up as authentically yourself, as a masculine leader, right? As a powerful man. And if you don’t have practice we have tons of of episodes of the podcast that go over that. We have some master classes as well for you guys that are in The Brotherhood program that we have that go over this, like grounded masculinity and other things that talk about being the lighthouse you cannot be in dear mode, defend, excuse, explain, react. That’s what controlling men do. 

They go into DEER mode, and that’s why they have to control things. And it’s not about dictating, right? Hey, you’re doing this. You have to go do that. You can’t do this. You can’t do that. No, you married an adult woman, right? You married a woman. Now, what I do know about the men that come through our programs, their women are very smart and they’re very strong women. They married strong, smart women, and my guess is you did too. So, you know, utilize that, right? Don’t try to, you know, control her or keep her in a bottle. It’s not sexy. It’s not feminine for her, and it’s just going to put her into her masculine so show up as the leader and she will follow. As long as you’re showing up strong, as long as you’re showing up as the masculine leader, and this doesn’t give you license to be a jerk, and it doesn’t give you license to be controlling if you’re fine that you need to control the environment, control things. What I’m gonna advise you to do is look inside yourself and ask yourself, what you’re scared of. Every time that I see a guy trying to control their wives or control a situation is because they’re scared inside, and until you break down that fear, or work with somebody who’s skilled at helping you break down that fear, you’re gonna keep repeating that pattern again, again and again. Joma, as always, say, in the moment of insight, take massive action, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.