Episode #326
What are you hiding from your wife? Is it something you’re ashamed of?
Shame is the biggest issue. You are hiding from your wife because you feel shameful about the behavior, and that can lead to a lot of problems. It will show up in your marriage, your work, and how you perform in every part of your life.
There are things that you don’t want her to find out because you are worried about the reaction she’s gonna give you. It happens to a lot of guys…but be open. It’s part of the relationship. The reason we don’t share is that we are judging ourselves. We are so reliant on our spouse for filling us up. We focus on our needs getting met by them. Before you realize what’s happening, you’ve become a needy man…and that is not a good place to be. Nobody wants to be there.
It doesn’t feel good to carry around a lie. It feels heavy. It’s truly easier to reach out to your wife rather than lying and hiding from her. Just come clean. It can be scary at first but it will feel great. You will feel so much better after.
In this episode, we are going to talk about the things you are hiding from your wife, the reasons why you are hiding something, and the steps you can take to come clean with your wife.
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
Why are you hiding? If you’re drinking too much, you know, you’re drinking too much for smoking weed. The reason you’re hiding is that you’re ashamed about the behavior, which leads to a lot of problems. Because when there’s shame around it, it’s going to cause those problems to show up in your marriage and your work performance. And it’s going to lead to other things to mask. That pain chain was to shame. And it’s the big issue here. And that’s where it becomes a slippery slope.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going down, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
He caught me off guard there. I was snacking a few cashew nuts.
Doug Holt 0:46
I know. I’m on a tight schedule here, buddy. So want to make sure we rock and roll and get this out there. Because I think it’s an important topic that has come up many, many times. The topic I want to bring to the table is about hiding it from your wife. And what I want to talk about is we’ve had this happen with several guys, but more guys, probably I don’t know, but more guys than not. But I know many guys do this because they hide things from their wives. After all, they don’t want their wife to know some of these guys. Of course, this would not be me, Tim. But some of these guys hide money, right? They hide their bonus checks, and they hide commissions they hide cash. And what they’ll do is they’ll take the money, and they’ll squirrel it away now, especially when times are hard between the couple, right? But a guy that I know will do this. So they have more play money. So I have one guy in particular who is a great friend of mine. And we used to make a guy’s trip every year. And what he would do is you’d always have a load of cash, always have a load of cash flowed a lot of money. And he would talk about He’s like, yep, this is my bonus from this month, this, this, this, this. And he would have his company pay outright as his bookkeeper payout these bonuses, these commissions into another account that his wife didn’t know about. Wow. So he could just cash it out. Or he would just ask for cash. And, you know, I got a call from this guy. Two weeks ago, Doug, we’re going to Mexico next week. I got a load, you know, I got a load of cash. So it’s the same scenario that has been going on for a long time: 20 years. I’ll pay for your plane ticket, you know, we got we’re leaving. You must come; it’s going to be so much fun. And I said no, I did nothing ethically against him putting away cash. But this also happens. I know I did this when Aren and I are going through a hard time in our marriage because I started stowing away cash, right? Okay, what’s going to happen here? I’ve been hiding things. But another thing, Tim, that a lot of guys do. And we’ll talk about the cash thing again, and we’ll come back to it. The high behaviors, the hide that they’re watching porn, they hide that, you know, they’re masturbating, they hide that they’re drinking, right, they start drinking subtly. Putting it in mixed drinks or things like that, or they don’t tell their wife how much they’re drinking, and they hide it. Or they hide the fact that they’re getting high. You know, marijuana is legal in most states now in the United States. So maybe they’re chewing on a cookie or gummy, you know, or something like that. They’re smoking a little bit to go into the bathroom to smoke. And they just don’t want their partner to know about that. The other thing guys hide is conversations with women. Hmm, they are flirting with other women. So those are the big things. So let’s talk a little bit about that today. of guys hiding things and what exactly they’re hiding. But more importantly, why are they hiding?
Tim Matthews 3:50
Yeah, interesting. We were on the advisory team yesterday, and we were reviewing a breakdown of one of the training that we’ve done. And what came up on the training was one of the men who had said that marriage has been great and been going down healthy for 13 years. Naturally advised, wow, it must be tough. You know, what toddlers are taken on you? Are the intimacy while we do not have intimacy in our sexual few years. Wow. How are you dealing with that? Well, I’m watching porn. Okay. Does your wife know? The points kept are unraveling. But he said, Well, you know, I don’t think we’ll get divorced. If things don’t change. I’ll just stick it out. Because you know, we love each other, and I believe in matrimonial marriage. And I was thinking, well, also say your wife is going to stick it out. Do you know? How, how would you feel if she knew that you were watching porn? How do you feel when you come back in from watching porn? You go to her, and you try to engage with her after just going outside of the relationship to get your needs met because obviously, you just avoided doing the work that gets to go on there for them to have the connection. And a side note, you know, every time this guy watches porn and gets off to it, it takes away his edge to be able to deal with the challenge to turn this around. Right. So I think this is a big problem. It’s a big lie that a lot of good I’ve, you know, I’ve watched porn in the past, and I’m going to pretend that I’ve not, of course, I have. And I think because let’s say we watch it as guys, maybe young were growing up, and there’s kind of things and so on. If it then shows up in the relationship, I think it can be sometimes easy to just pretend to ourselves or deny the real impact of hiding from the person in the relationship with
. I think that’s the difference here, right? We’re not talking about porn. At least I’m not porn being bad. I have no problem with porn. Personally, I know people are going to have religious and ethical issues with porn, and I don’t. So you know, depending, you know, certain kinds, obviously, maybe not, but I don’t have an issue with that at all. The point of me that I want to bring to the table, with this topic, is Why are you hiding it? Yep. It’s a shame around. It’s a shame, right? If you’re drinking too much, you know, you’re drinking too much, right? You don’t, you know, for smoking weed too much, you know, you’re smoking weed. It is a shame. You’re hiding it because you’re ashamed of the behavior, which leads to a lot of problems. Because when there’s shame around it, it’s going to cause those problems to show up in your marriage and show up at work. They’re going to show performance. And it’s going to lead to other things to mask that pain and shame, right? Or go, something else happens like gamblings. Another one, a lot of guys hide, by the way, that I’ve seen happen quite a bit. That’s going to hide, and it’s going to mask. And then what happens for a lot of guys, it’s like, Okay, great. Well, I can’t tell my wife about how much I’m drinking. So Oh, but this girl at the bar or this girl I know at work, she drinks a lot. That’s acceptable to her. Right? Your porn, right? I can’t hide it. So I’ll watch porn in the car on my phone, right? Or that’s going to lead to now I’m super horny. And we’ve had guys come to the program that admitted picking up prostitutes or escorts, you know, it escalates. It’s a shame portion of it that causes this, in my opinion. I’m not a professional on addiction behavior or anything along those lines. I’ve learned a lot about it in my coaching career. But it’s a shame that is the big issue here. And that’s where it becomes a slippery slope for a lot of men.
For sure, you know, and again, I keep thinking about this guy in particular because he pushed it off as it wasn’t an issue. Because he didn’t, you know, if it were to accept the real gravity of it, shame, would wear too heavily. Right. And that’s why we asked him, Hey, does your wife know you watch, like, No! what would you say if she found out? Yeah. You know chances are, she’s not going to be happy.
Doug Holt 8:35
No. Well, I mean, she’s not going to be happy. That’s an issue. Right. And that’s one thing. But I think it’s deceit, right, that that that we talked about, you know, one of the things we teach the guys, it’s more of the advanced classes and things we did. We have a class for The Brotherhood and the inner circle guys, which are high-end mastermind groups after guys have graduated from some of the other programs. There’s one course on sexual mastery. One of the things we talked about sexual mastery is what most men don’t realize is for women and men, but mostly women. It’s the intimacy portion, right? Every guy knows that they hear it. But how do you get it? Well, what I want you guys to imagine right now is your wife standing in front of you. Let’s just say she’s six inches from you. I don’t know what that is in centimeters. Tim helped me out here, but half afoot. So what does that?
Tim Matthews 9:32
Six inches Yeah, about 10 centimeters.
Doug Holt 9:34
So 10 centimeters, guys. Six inches, 10 centimeters somewhere in that ballpark, the measure doesn’t matter. She’s close to you. Now all of a sudden, I put a glass wall between you guys. Okay? Now there’s a glass wall sliding. You can look at her and what he just can’t touch, or you can see her. She’s beautiful. Now you have a lie about hiding some money. Okay, every time you lie or deceitful, you get to smear some dirt mud on that glass, right? You can still see her, but it’s getting a little dirty. Now you have another lie about hiding money or a little bit more on there, you have a lie about porn, deceit, and shame or you’re taking, you’re smoking weed, you know, and then hanging out the family, she doesn’t know what’s more dirt. What happens guys, this adds up every time. And now you’re standing in front of what appears to be just a smudge dirty window, you can’t see your wife on the other side, and she can’t see you. You’re craving that love, that connection, that respect. But the glass between you guys is so muddy. There’s no way for there to be any intimacy, any real intimacy, right? Have masturbatory sex with her. But real connected intimacy is really difficult consistently. If that glass got so smudge. And this is what happens when you know guys are hiding something from their wives.
Tim Matthews 10:57
And they become very on edge as well. Right? This is where they tend to become very, more likely to be more reactive because they got to hide those lies. Yeah, you got to cover your trails, you got to, you know, clear your history, you’ve got to today, she starts to say certain things, you become very defensive. And before you know, you fall into the trap of denial. We spoke about deer versus wolf in the past. Yeah. Which then does what pushes you guys further away? So there’s a very slippery slope that goes on from this simple act of hiding.
Doug Holt 11:32
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you and go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
I agree. Yeah. And I think, you know, it’s different from a surprise. So we do, transparently, have several guys who will cut a lot of guys who come through the program but don’t want their wives to know that they’re doing the program. And it’s not they’re not hiding it from her because they’re embarrassed or ashamed. They’re doing it because they want their wife to genuinely see the changes that they’re making. Some guys will mail in cash, right for the payment, the program, and some guys will write a check; some have to do different things, right? All of those guys come clean with it, though—every single one of them. And every guy can think that their wife has wanted them to stay in the program like well, that this is what happened, do more of it. Right? Because they’ve done a 180 in a relationship. That’s a little different with a surprise element. Or if you’re going to surprise her on vacation or a trip or a treat. We’re talking about here are things you’re ashamed of. Things I’m not proud of things you don’t want her to find out. Because you’re ashamed. You’re worried about the reaction she’s going to give you.
Tim Matthews 13:17
Yeah, exactly. That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? You know, if you and you carry that share with you everywhere you go, this is part of the reason why it leads to escalations, as you said a moment ago, because, again, you walk into the office, right? You try, and you know, act like you’re the leader, and everyone’s given you Quincy you for advice and put in looking at you as the guy that is the standard. But you know, we’ve had this before that you might be secretly sneaking off to the bathroom on a break so that you can watch porn. Because maybe there’s a girl in the office that you like because you’re not channeling, and you hide it from your wife. So the distance has grown between you guys. The model on the glass is getting thicker, and the cake no longer sees one another. You start sleeping in separate rooms when you go to bed at different times. And then you go into the office, and there’s that girl that a new girl who’s just started and she shows an interest in you and you know, you feel that energy starts to rise, sneak off to the toilet, watching the pile and trying to release and distract. So the point is when you walk into the door and an evening returns home to your family. Well, how do you deal with that? Well, I’m going to have a drink. Because you know there’s that lie that you want. You just want to get it off your chest. It doesn’t feel good to carry around the lie does a feels it just doesn’t feel good for anybody feels heavy. Feels like a wet blanket. You carry it around everywhere. Everywhere you go. It just wears you down. So you walk into the door and evening and how do you wear it? Well, I’m going to pull this off. Palms up, palms out, might have a cocktail now well, as days go by as weeks go by gets a little bit stronger, there’s a cocktail on a cocktail to listen to. And then you might be saying to, you know, speak out for a joint, as you said. And it all started maybe a year or two prior when you just started to watch porn instead of reaching out to your wife. Just that one time. That was easy. I didn’t get rejected that time. That was easy. I didn’t have to have that tough conversation about really what I want in this relationship. And two years, let’s say you’re in this position.
Doug Holt 15:43
Yeah, I mean, that happens to many guys coming in here, as I switch my camera here as those guys watch it on here. But you want to be in that position where you can be opaque and open. And that’s part of leadership, right? It’s part of leading yourself, but also leadership in your relationship, guys. And the reason we don’t share is men. And look, I’ve been here, so I get it. The reason we don’t share is that we’re judging ourselves. Right, and we’re so reliant on our spouse, in this case, for filling us up for what we’re going to get in the relationship that we start to focus on our needs getting met by them. Now we just become another kid, we become another needy child, for your wife. And that’s not a good place, man. Nobody wants to be there.
Tim Matthews 16:38
No, not at all. I couldn’t remember one of the freest, if that’s a word of my life, as we went through that period set many years ago. It comes clean, there’s got skeletons out of a closet, or many different areas of my life, and it just felt so great. Just do not have anything in there that anyone could point up. Sure, it was scary at first. Nevertheless, it felt great. And ever since then, I’ve done my best to always keep them out of the closet. Now because he feels so light, honesty is just such a great tool. Does that mean that there’s never any glass that gets in any mud that gets in the glass between Amelia and me? Yeah, of course, there is. I’m aware that some mud gets on there from time to time, and I know it’s there. Because I’m not the connections are a little bit murkier. I’m not seeing her as well; I can. I’m holding back from her because I’m just hiding something from her. I’ve got to get that one off the glass because it’s a slippery slope. And at first, it can be scary. You know, really can? So on that note, though, I think, how would you suggest the guys have a conversation? Let’s say we’re going to come clean with something in the relationship, whatever it is right. How do you suggest they’re able to have that conversation in a way whereby they can start to get on with after class?
Doug Holt 18:09
It’s a great question when we do something called a Clean Slate Method, right? That’s by far the best way. But short of that, short of going through, you know, a Clean Slate Method. I think we talked about parts of the Clean Slate Method in previous podcasts. I can’t remember when I showed up. So, what you want to do is, gosh, is, first of all, get clean, clear with what’s going on and why you’re doing it. Okay. So figure out why it is you’re doing if it’s porn if it’s hiding money. So I’m going to use the hiding money example, right? Its money is a touchy subject for a lot of people. So I’ll use that one. So if you’ve been squirreling away some cash, maybe it’s cash to party, maybe it’s cash for drugs, maybe it’s cash because you’re worried that if you’re in divorce, you want to have some money set aside that she doesn’t know about, right? That she can’t take half of it or whatever. I’ve heard guys talk about that. So if that’s the case, and you figure it out, okay, the reason I’ve done this, I’ve squirreled this money away because I’m scared. I’m scared that my wife will reject me. I’m scared that I won’t be loved. Right? That’s what rejection is. Then I would sit down with my wife and say, hey, look, I got something I have to tell you about. I’ve been really scared. I’ve been really scared that you were going to. You and I are going to, and you’re going to leave me. And what I did was start. I found myself starting to hide money and put it away. I don’t want to live like that. That’s not the kind of relationship I want. That’s not what I want to do. I’m sorry that I did this if you’re sorry. I never want to put you in a position where you can’t trust me. Then I would go around that like that’s an example. Not a great example off the cuff because there is a formula for This that we go through, and we take the guys through. It’s just a much longer conversation than we have for this podcast.
Tim Matthews 20:07
Yeah, well, I think that’s a great point, you know, to break it out one way, you’re doing it to where you then have the conversation and say, here’s what I’m doing. Here’s why I’m doing it. And I don’t want you to feel x. That’s not my intention. Like you matter to me, the relationship matters to me. However, you want to say it without necessarily saying it.
Doug Holt 20:29
And what I want is
Tim Matthews 20:31
One is my gut reaction, maybe angry, maybe, you know, whatever might come of it, but you’re going to feel so much better. On the other side of having the conversation. Some to you guys, how do you want to go with what you’ve been doing? What do you want to say? I’ve been stashing away a million dollars, and whether you want to say I’ve been stashing away cash, the CEO is in the depths of it. But if you’re listening to this, and this is resonating with you, I would strongly recommend inviting you to start having some of these conversations and wiping that mud off the glass. Because my bet for you, as you start, as soon as you start wiping that mud off the glass and you start to see her again on either side, you’re going to feel differently about her as well. And those behaviors that you do have this fall that will cause you to feel so heavy and stress that going to start to go away, you’re going to feel much better, which by default, will help you feel much better and not do those behaviors. The cycle starts working for you instead of against you.
Doug Holt 21:39
Yep. 100%. Right. And, and guys, just think of it this way, think of a friendship, right? Would you rather have a friend who, on the outside, everything appears good but is lying to you? Or would you rather have a friend who’s flawed but is honest with you? And it’s a no-brainer, right? It’s a stupid question. Uhm, stupid, because you know the answer, your wife wants the same thing. And so do you know, and what I think happens often, Tim is when guys come clean, the wife then creates a space for the wife to come clean. She might be like, Oh, yeah, well guess what I’ve been doing. And not from a place of like, I’ll show you Although that happens. But it creates a space where she can now be honest, and she may have a good chance. She knows guys, by the way. Yeah, he knows or at least suspects it. You know, in my experience, women are very crafty. Guys aren’t as good at hiding things as they think they are. She may just be letting you think that she doesn’t know. So, gentlemen, as always, take action. If you get an insight or anything here, we want you to take action as much as I love hanging out with Tim. During this time, Tim and I both do this for you. Right, we do this for you guys. So you get the opportunity as well. And of course, as you guys know, if you listen to the previous episode, we switched out the free training. We’re going to do it every month. So go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus and get the new training. Training will only be up there for the month. So, guys, I apologize. You’re listening to this in April, May, or even another year from now, that training will not be available anymore. But we’ll have something different for you. We produce over 20 pieces of new content every single week. So if you’re not digesting that, if you enjoy this and you want more, make sure you get on that email list. We do send out a community email now, once a week on Fridays, just give me a wrap up of some of the things that are going on to wrap up from our private membership group, but also a wrap up from our forward-facing stuff that we have on Facebook, LinkedIn, also our emails and then also this podcast as well on the show. So look forward to some exciting things on YouTube, gentlemen, and we want to make sure you guys get that access to that. As always, guys, have an amazing week, and we’ll see you next time at The Powerful Man show.
