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Grow Together by Growing Apart: Personal Development as the Key to Saving Your Marriage

Episode #804

In a world where routine and monotony can wear down the strongest of bonds, “Grow Together by Growing Apart: Personal Development as the Key to Saving Your Marriage” presents an enlightening perspective on rekindling the spark in your relationship. Doug Holt sheds light on an often-overlooked aspect of marriage—personal growth.

In this episode, Doug delves into the crux of marital stagnancy and the transformative power of self-improvement. With compelling anecdotes and practical advice, he navigates the journey of self-discovery and the ripple effect it has on one’s partner and the marriage as a whole. From addressing the dangers of the empty cup syndrome to exploring avenues for personal fulfillment, Doug offers a roadmap for reigniting passion and companionship in marriage.

Listeners will be introduced to the Activation Method, a beacon for men seeking to elevate themselves and, by extension, their relationships. Doug’s conversation is a testament to the idea that when one partner embarks on a journey of personal development, it sets a foundation for mutual growth and renewed connection.

Discover how to break free from the cycle of resentment, enhance your value within the marriage, and embark on a shared journey towards a fulfilling and dynamic relationship. This episode is not just a podcast; it’s a call to action for anyone looking to transform their life and marriage through the power of personal growth. Join Doug Holt as he guides you through the essential steps to become the best version of yourself, for you and your partner.

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Doug Holt  0:00  

odds are, if you’ve been married for a while your wife can guess exactly your routine, it becomes boring, it’s monotonous, we can present all these people. But that’s because we’re not filling our own cup. We’re not going out and doing things that we enjoy. But you gotta shake it up, it’s doing things that shake it up that also raise your bar, raise your stock, raise your value, if your marriage is stagnant. If your wife is seeing you rise, she’s seen this, this man in front of her get better and better and better, she is going to notice. And I can tell you guys, that when men join the activation method, almost always, but their wife starts bettering themselves too. When you fill your cup up, you spill over into other people.

Hey, guys, do you ever feel like your marriage is at a standstill, like you guys are just stuck, and nothing’s moving forward, your wife’s not moving forward, you’re not moving forward? Well, in this episode of the TPM show, I’m gonna talk about something that may seem obvious, but it’s not done very much. And we see the biggest movement come from and that is really your personal growth affecting your marriage. Now, what do I mean by that? So when I hear a guy that’s stuck, or something’s going on, or he’s complaining, I know pretty well that he’s not doing as Alpha Rise and Shine. And he’s not growing personally in his life. And when this happens, it’s pretty obvious to call out and the reason is, we use this analogy at TPM about the empty cup, we imagine you have a cup at the center of your chest. And this is your internal energy, your love for yourself, your fulfillment, if you will, right, your passion, your fulfillment, well, if we go around helping other people, pouring ourselves or solve your problems, I’ll help you out there. The cup empties into them, and they feel great and they walk away. A lot of us do this in business a lot, we’ll take on too much for our staff, hey, I’ll do this for you anyway. We’d give our, we’d say I’ll give my shirt off my back for somebody, if I see somebody pulled over the side of the road, a woman that’s there, let’s just say in a flat tire, well, I’ll pull over, despite being late for whatever it is I’m at, and I’m going to help this person fix their tire. And those are all great things. Except, eventually what most men do is they empty that cup, that cup is empty. They look around go, hey, where the heck is everybody? For me? Who’s taking care of me? It’s my turn. And then they become resentful. And that is not okay. So one, one thing you need to do is focus on filling your cup first in this metaphor. And when you fill your cup up, you spill over into other people were pulling over to get that car, help them out is not a big deal at all, you still do those things, right? You’re still going to be the man that you’re going to be the great man that you’re going to be. And you fill yourself up first. In fact, I was talking to Tim Matthews, just yesterday. And he was talking to me about one of our one on one clients. And this is an individual he actually works with. And the guy was start to complain about stuff. It’s complain about work, he’s complaining about his life. And he asked the guy like, Hey, do you know you complain about work a lot. And the guy, the guy told him, he’s like, Yeah, you know what, I’m not doing stuff in my own personal life, I’m not filling myself up. And that’s a pattern a lot of us guys get into. 

Because we can complain about all kinds of other people, we can resent our teammates at work, we can resent our partners, we can resent all these people. But that’s because we’re not filling our own cup. We’re not going out and doing things that we enjoy. And as men sometimes sometimes you don’t know what you enjoy anymore, right? We’ve been in work mode and dad mode for so long. This is where personal growth comes in. Like working on yourself. Now. It doesn’t have to be like deep personal growth, or things that we teach even at The Powerful Man. It could also be things that you enjoy outside, like myself, like I’m going to vacation to Hawaii in a little bit when this airs, but I’m coming back I’ll be taking Krav Maga classes, right I’m looking at Krav Maga versus Brazilian jujitsu. I’ve done Brazilian jujitsu before, got bad shoulder. So I’m looking at Krav Maga and just trying something new. I’m trying something that’s going to fill me up. I’m doing it for me. Right? These are things that I’ll fill my soul and fill my cup. And the key here is if you don’t know what to do try different things. Right? I’ve never done Krav Maga, so I’m just trying something new. I’m also gonna be taking up golf this summer. I’m a I call myself a bachelor party golfer. What I mean by that is I suck at golf, but I have a good time, right with people. I get invited to go all the time because I have fun. And as long as people don’t mind me being horrible, I don’t mind. We have a good time. The point is, is you need to fill your cup otherwise you end up with resentment. For me, one of the cornerstones from my life has always been personal development. And personal development has that weird connotation, right? Because really, every development is personal. And also people think about personal development is this. This idea of you’re always going to say I love myself, I’m such a nice person and doing all these kinds of things in the mirror. That’s an element of personal development. But really, it’s developing yourself making yourself better. We do this in the professional area like business development, like I want all of my team, my staff and everybody to professionally be developing, right? 

They’re raising their value for the company. So if somebody on my team starts taking a course, on, you know, a new CMS that we might be using a content management system, or a new CRM, or whatever it may be, that they’re advancing their skills, that increases their value to me as an employer. Well, the same thing holds true in life, right, your value to your family, your value to yourself, your value to your wife, right, you want to increase that value your stock, you want your stock to be rising. And that’s where personal development comes in, in my eyes, that’s why you’re constantly probably listen to podcasts like this, you’re developing yourself. Now how deep you go into it is different. So for me for golf as an example, I can go out and golf all summer, buy some new clubs, hit around the guys have a great time, I want to become a better golfer. What I want to do is shorten the learning curve, how do I do it? Obvious, I take golf lessons, I take private golf lessons, or semi private small group golf lessons, and I dive in and do consistently. Well, the same thing is with your personal development. So if it’s in the area of personal development for maybe it’s something you want to learn, maybe it’s public speaking, well, what I would do right away is, is find a program that does public speaking, and teaches it with coaching, right, because you need coaching, you can’t just watch videos or podcasts. As much as I’d love to impart all my knowledge to these YouTube videos or on Spotify, or wherever else you’re catching this, it’s impossible to really do it without direct feedback, human to human feedback. So I would get take those golf lessons, if I want them to public speaking, I would find a public speaking coach that could do it, that’s not only done it themselves, but has literally hundreds of people like me. So I’m a business professional who does speaking do it in front of video that can teach me how to do it. If it’s the category of my marriage, I’m going to find a program that works with married, I’m a businessman and married businessman, and helps them with their marriage, it’s got a proven track record our The Activation Method does that checks all the boxes, but it could be other areas. 

So it doesn’t have to be The Activation Method doesn’t have to be your marriage could be all the other categories your life, right, you have to develop yourself personally. And what’s going to happen is a rising tide lifts all boats, your wife is going to notice that you’re improving yourself. Now the analogy I use all the time is your stock is going up. What happens you as a businessman, if I came up to you and told you, hey, I have this company, let’s call it Apple, because we all know it. Apple stock is rising. Right? And it looks like it is on a hockey stick trajectory. What are you going to do, you’re going to buy Apple stock today, not a year from now, not five years from now, if you believe that stock is rising, you’re at least at the very least going to be paying attention to Apple stock, you know, you’re just gonna be watching it. If it continues to rise, you’re gonna keep watching and keep watching and keep watching it over and over again, and you’re gonna have FOMO you’re gonna fear of missing out on the rise, you’re also going to be afraid that it’s going to drop at some point. Those are natural tendencies. Now what if your apple and your wife is you and she’s watching your stock rise, odds are she’s gonna want to get on board as soon as possible. Because she knows that other people are also watching the Apple stock. Right. In other words, other women are going to notice you, they’re going to notice that you’re working on your health, right? If your health is one, get a personal trainer, put your ego aside, get a nutritionist. Don’t just read Men’s Fitness magazine, it’s not going to help you. Right maybe help you a little bit but not help you a lot. Get a personal trainer, invest, invest time and money and energy into the area that you want to work on. Become a better father, a better husband better businessman, maybe it’s better in your health. Like I said, Think of yourself as the Apple stock that’s rising. People will want to get on board. Now if your marriage is stagnant. If your wife is seeing you rise, she’s seen this, this man in front of her get better and better and better. Her hope is going to gain she is going to notice. 

And I can tell you guys that when men join The Activation Method, almost always their wife knows what they always notice. But their wife starts bettering themselves to usually it’s quietly I would say one out of every four guys that comes in their wife does it openly. The other three out of four. Their wife quietly DOES IT guys will tell me all the time like Hey Doug, I’ve started working out again and I’ve been doing it for two weeks. I noticed that my that there’s no more clothes on the elliptical than my wife used to use. So he knows that she’s doing the elliptical now, but she does it quietly right? She doesn’t want to know she’s want to give them the credit for this because their marriage was is on the rocks, right? She’s a smart woman or she starts taking Pilates or she starts doing something to better herself because she knows that your stock is rising. She doesn’t want to be left behind because she knows there’s a lot of other women out there that want a powerful man. Right? So she’s gonna start working on herself but she You’re going to notice and one to invest more in you. And it’s how you shake things up. Right, you start doing different things. It’s new and it’s exciting. If you’ve been married for a while your wife can guess exactly your routine, she knows when you’re going to eat breakfast, she knows how many cups of coffee you’re going to have, she knows how you’re going to drive home from work, when you’re coming home, who you’re hanging out with, who you’re talking to what shows you’re gonna watch, it becomes boring, it’s monotonous. And that’s part of relationships, right? It’s part of life, that’s okay. But you got to shake it up. And best thing you can do by shaking it up isn’t just shaking it up, it’s doing things that shake it up that also raise your bar, raise your stock, raise your value. And that’s why programs like The Activation Method or other programs that are out there. Again, if for you, your relationships, a 10 out of 10, your marriage, the top 10, I want to applaud you. That’s amazing. 

So don’t worry about The Activation Method, you sounds like you probably already have 100 control. But there’s not a 10 out of 10, I would really recommend talking to one of our advisors, you go to The Powerful Man.com Ford slash apply now. That’s The Powerful Man.com Ford slash apply now and get on a phone with an advisor there. If it’s golf, call your local golf course. Right talk to him about getting with a PGA pro investing, I would do a whole summer session maybe a year long to get good at golf, that’s what I’m going to be doing. Maybe it’s in a different area for you, right, we have five territories, initially that we talked about The Powerful Man, that self health, wealth, relationships and business, we have The Activation Method for self, in the area of health, hire a personal trainer, get a nutritionist, right, if that’s your area, that the one area you’re lagging in the most, right? wealth or spirituality, find a way to get there your abundance, find what your blocks are, in that area, hire somebody, you know, the shortest path, guys, we need to shorten and compress time. That’s how you get value. This is why going through a program is so much better than just listening to these podcasts. I’m spending my time trying to give value out there to the world. That’s what I’m doing. This is part of my giving back. You know, for mine, if it’s relationships, The Activation Method for relationships, I believe hands down is the best program in the world. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be involved in it, I’d be involved in a different organization, I can do whatever I want, just like you, I will go to the best. But it is hands down the best. If it’s business, right? Find a business, whatever, you’re lacking business, but it’s marketing. There are a lot of great marketing programs and things out there coaches that can help you with your marketing. If it’s finances, the same thing, figure out what it is for you. Right. Odds are though, that I know statistically, if you’re watching this, it’s your marriage, right your marriage, your relationship with your kids, or you’re stuck in another area. But if you’re stuck and stagnant in your marriage, you got to shake it up by investing in yourself time, money, and energy, those three things, those three resources, right, I always say show me your calendar, and I’ll show your priorities. 

So everybody’s too busy. Nobody has the money to invest. Nobody has the energy, everybody’s tired. Those three excuses are across the board, which also tells me they’re all BS, I have the same ones, guys. So it’s not new. But you need to find a way to raise your stock. And personal development to me is the best way to doing it. Again, doesn’t have to be through TPM. We have a lot of programs does not have to be through us. But do it through something, not just audio listening. I used to do this right listen to a ton of audiobooks, a ton of podcasts. And it was really like educational masturbation, right? I hate that I know if some people get offended, but it’s true, right? You’re going from one thing to another and get a small dopamine hit. Like I feel good, I got an insight, I feel good. You need to apply. Application just like business execution is everything. Execution is everything. And if you want to be an A player, you don’t want to be average. You want to be an A player, then you need to get into a program that’s going to help you. Right. And that’s continued development. There’s not like, Okay, I do this. Golf, I do golf for five weeks. I’m amazing golfer now I got to continuously develop my golf game. Right? That’s a drag. Some people can think of it as a drag because it’s not completed. But I think it is an opportunity to continue to get better. Have fun with golf, right? Have fun with that. If it’s your marriage, continually get better and have fun with that. Right and really enjoy it. But whatever you do, raise your stock. If I’m going to look at you objectively like a stock is your value increasing. I go back in time to when you got married, the promises you made to your wife about the man that you were going to be or at least the man she thought you were going to be, which is really probably the man she sees inside of you and why she’s so pissed because you’re not being that guy. 

As your stock gone up. Since you got married or has just gone down in her eyes. Be honest with yourself. Odds are it’s gone down. So what do you do with a stock that’s going down? You sell it right you get rid of it? Raise your stock before you get sold? Raise your stock you can do it by starting today. We have over 800 I believe podcasts at this point, the Alpha Rise and Shine Morning Routine you can implement right away. Just search for it right with the triad connections proven, proven methods ology, and we have The Activation Method we’ve given all this way for you free. Now if you want to compress time, you want to go to thepowerfulman.com/applynow/, right? Because you want to compress time and get into an eight week program that’s actually a methodology for you do that. Again, if it’s your golf game right now, call your local golf course. Get your lesson scheduled. That’s what I’ll be doing. And I want to see you guys on that other side too. Gentlemen, as always, I’m in your corner. I want to see your stocks rising. I want to see you soaring through the roof with a hockey I want you to be the unicorn right hockey style growth that never never ends. And life was always say also, life is too short to be average. This is me calling you forward lovingly as one of your brothers, calling you forward to step into your light and into the greatness that I see in you. I’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.