Episode #805
Welcome to another episode of the TPM show, where we dive deep into the essence of truly meaningful relationships. This time, Doug Holt explores the unparalleled gift every man can give to the woman in his life: the gift of being seen, heard, and desired. Beyond material possessions and superficial accolades lies a profound understanding of a woman’s intrinsic needs that, when fulfilled, can elevate a relationship to extraordinary heights.
In this episode, Doug shares personal anecdotes and insights from his own life and marriage, revealing how acknowledging and acting upon these three fundamental desires can transform the dynamics of a relationship. From the joyous labor of a barn raising at the TPM ranch to the intimate moments that forge deeper connections, Doug’s narratives are filled with humor, honesty, and the occasional candid revelation, making for a compelling listen.
Listeners will discover:
- The importance of truly seeing your partner beyond the surface level, recognizing her for all that she is—the good, the bad, and everything in between.
- The art of listening for understanding, not just hearing words but grasping the feelings and intentions behind them.
- The power of desire in making a woman feel cherished, wanted, and profoundly connected to her partner.
Doug doesn’t just talk the talk; he walks the walk, sharing actionable tips and strategies that any man can implement to make his woman feel seen, heard, and desired. Whether it’s checking in on what she’s reading, understanding her daily challenges, or creating moments of intimacy that reinforce your connection, Doug lays out a blueprint for enriching your relationship in ways you might not have imagined.
Listen to the episode as Doug demystifies the complexities of emotional intimacy, offering a roadmap to a more fulfilling partnership. By the end of this episode, you’ll be inspired to look beyond the material and towards the heart of what makes a relationship truly vibrant and enduring.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
Women need to feel seen. What do I mean by that, that you see them for who they really are? All that they are the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever it is, without judgment that you see them. You notice when somebody sees you for who you are as a man, they see the sacrifices you’ve made, and they see you and recognize you. It feels friggin good, doesn’t it? So she needs to feel seen. And she’s like, No, that’s you don’t get it. I’m like, Well, what, what do I get? So I just repeated everything you said, what she wanted to know is what she meant behind the words that she was saying I understood her feelings, I understood her intent behind her words, I have a wife who feels on top of the world, she feels like she’s being a great mom and being recognized for it. And so she’s feeling desired by her husband, guess who gets what they want me, I get what I want.
Hey, guys, welcome back to the TPM show. So my birthday is coming up and a birthday, at our age, right is one of those things that’s not that big of a deal. But we’re also doing a barn raising here at the TPM Ranch. So we have a 106-acre ranch, where we have very private events, so our men come here, and during our barn raising men that are involved in the movement, movement, volunteer, we have a lot of fun. I mean, a lot of fun. But we also work really hard. We’re hard-working men, and we build this area up this property up. So that can be a sanctuary for men like you who come through our program to come in and get the healing the growth that they deserve. And one guy said, Hey, Doug, I know it’s your birthday coming up, I want to get you a gift, you know, and he told me, he was gonna give me a bottle of whiskey, a very expensive bottle of whiskey. Very good for him, right? It’s really nice. And yeah, say, What can I get your wife? And that was really cool of him. He’s just a nice guy who wants to show respect. And I think it’s super cool. But it got me thinking like, what’s the best gift, you can get your wife? And as I was thinking about that, what is the best gift a man can give his wife? And that’s the gift of being seen, heard, and desired. Those three things. As much as I want my wife to get the bottle of whiskey so I can drink it with her. The thing that any of us can give our wives is the ability to be seen heard, and desired, right? We know women need this, women need this to feel safe. They need this to feel fulfilled. So again, I’m going to say those three things again and assume a lot during the show. So you’re gonna get used to it. But I want to be ingrained in your soul. Women need to feel seen. What do I mean by that? It’s not just looked at, they need to be filled, that you actually get them right that you see them for who they really are. All that they are the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever it is, without judgment that you see them. Right. You notice when somebody sees you for who you are as a man, they see the sacrifices you’ve made. They see all that you’ve done for your family, all that you do for your community, your church or synagogue, whatever it may be your place of worship, maybe it’s seeing yourself for all that you do for your your you little league baseball team, whatever it may be when they actually see you and recognize you. It feels friggin good, doesn’t it? They see the real you, not the facade.
So she needs to feel seen. She also needs to feel hurt. And hearing doesn’t mean listening to it means understanding. Very big difference. Remember, in counseling one time with my wife marriage counseling early on, was trying to figure out her stuff. And it didn’t work. I would sit there and she’d say he doesn’t listen to me. And I would go look, I can repeat back verbatim everything you said last five minutes. And I started to repeat it back. And she’s like, No, that’s you don’t get it? I’m like, Well, what, what do I get? So I just repeated everything you said, you know now showing how smart I was and how much I was listening. And I was actively listening as they said, that’s not it. Right? What she wanted to know was what she meant behind the words that she was saying I understood her feelings, and I understood her intent behind her words. So that’s seen and heard, there’s desired desires that she wants to feel like my woman. Yeah, like my woman, I’d think about that for a second. She wants to feel as if she’s my woman, my queen, that she’s the only woman that I want. She wants to feel desired by me like I want her. I want to ravage her body, I want to be with her. And she wants the ability to push me away or accept right? So seen heard and desired. This is by far the best gift you can give your wife guys by far the best, you know? And so in doing so, how do we go about this process? Well, we’ve talked in previous episodes about The Hidden Motives Technique, the Clean Slate Method, and the Live Like a King System, those three things are what makeup what we call the triad of connection. Those three things are by far the best. Go back and listen to The Hidden Motives Technique, but it’s really about getting into your wife’s world. So something I’m a guy right I have project management software for business but I also have a project for my life. And, being a guy I forget things right so I set alarms and and ideas, and here’s the question for you. I’ll ask you this question.
Just answer right away. Yes or no first answer that comes up. Do you know the books your wife is reading right now? Audible, whatever, yes or no? Right? Do you know the books she’s read for the last six months? Do you know the show? She watched? Do you know the social media channels she’s on? Do you know her best friend? Do you know her best friend locally? Do you get the idea? If you’ve answered no to any of these, and the most common one is books read most guys don’t. That’s an issue. So what I’ve done is on my project management software, I have a repeating task to check what books my wife’s reading to check on these things. So I can get into my wife’s world. So she can feel seen heard and desired. Right? These are little tricks that I have to put in place techniques to allow myself to be in front of my mind. Because, you know, we always think that our partner or wife is the same person that she was last time that we really saw her right, which for some of you guys is going to be not till you got married, you thought your wife 10 years ago is the same woman. That’s not true. You’re not the same man. She’s definitely not the same woman. Right. And the fact is, your wife isn’t the same woman she was a week ago, let alone the way she was 10 years ago. So you need to get into her world to really allow her to be seen to recognize her fact, just the other day, my wife, I sent her a message and said, Hey, I really appreciate what she did, I’ll set the scene and just let you guys know how I’m doing it. I’m not doing perfectly by any means gentleman, but I’m doing the best that I can I’m getting better at this my wife took our four-year-old daughter, and my son who’s six, took her to a monitor. It was a private Waldorf school. So if you’re not familiar with Waldorf, basically a private school for little kids, a Waldorf school for an introduction, and we want our daughter to go there.
So we think she’ll thrive there. She’s in a Montessori school, and then she’s gonna go to public school. Anyway, we think she’ll thrive in this Waldorf school, my son went there, and he thrived. My daughter is struggling right now at the school she’s at she’s only four. So my wife is exhausted. But she ends up taking the kids there. I also got free rein of the house, I needed some time, some space to myself, she knew that. She said, Hey, I’m taking the kids to this introduction. The house is yours. I left you some food. So I thought, I thought for a second there was something she did that upset me. But I thought about it. I sent her a text and I said, Hey, babe, thanks so much for taking the kids to this Waldorf school. This is one of those small intangible things that you do that make our family better. And I appreciate that. And she sent me back the heart emoji, the pray emoji, and the tear emoji. And you know, later on, she was like, that meant the world to me, that you saw that, that I do these things, right? Because she now she’s like, Oh, my gosh, my husband sees me. He sees the fact that I’m taking the kids to this event. Yes, it’s fun for my wife. There’ll be other mothers, there may be fathers, there are definitely other mothers there that she knows that she’ll be socialized with. But this is her. This is a roll. She’s a mom. And so I’m recognizing her contribution to our family and the mental world to her. Right, she’s being now seen. Then she came back and emptied her berries, right? She told me about everything that was happening. She was excited to share all the things, all the details. And as you do as a man, if you want her to be heard, as you listen, what else, you encourage her to empty that berry basket if you don’t know what I’m talking about. We’ve done a bunch of podcasts on emptying the berries, super important guys. Not gonna go into it right now. But super important, that you understand this concept at a core level. So she empties the berries. And she’s going she’s super excited. And I’m listening to her.
So now she’s felt seen. Now she’s feeling heard. And all she has to do is feel desired. And I’ve got the perfect formula for giving my wife everything she wants. And here’s the secret. She’s gonna give me everything I want as well. Right reciprocity. So if as long as I show that I’m desiring her afterward, you know, and I’ll have to say something like, Hey, let’s put a little show on for the kids want to you and I go to the bedroom and continue this conversation. Give her a little wink, kind of a dirty tone, if you will. My wife jumps up and puts a show on for the kids right away. And she doesn’t run but she walks very quickly into the bedroom because she’s excited. She’s felt seen. She’s felt heard, you know, so it’s love and appreciation. And now she’s getting the desired portion coming into it. And guess who gets what they want? Me. I get what I want. I have a wife who feels on top of the world. She feels like she’s being a great mom and being recognized for it. Right? She feels like her husband is an amazing man, right? Regardless of I am or not. She’s feeling that way at the time. And so she’s feeling desired by her husband, which then you know, makes her desiring she wants to desire me, which is crazy as that sounds right guys, but she is and then we have great sex. And then we both feel connected. We come out of that, you know, have that intimacy, that moment of intimacy. My wife and I are connected and bonded more you guys know how that is you’re more bonded after you have loving, connected sex. And now the kid’s Show’s over, right, we turn it off. And the kids are now in a household that has an energy of love and energy of connection. Because I gave my wife the best gift, the gift of being seen, heard, and desired. Right? Now, this applies to all women and also plays for men, by the way, not the desired part, guys, I don’t know how to prefer the bottle of whiskey or something else mailed to me. Although I appreciate that. But men also want to be seen and heard. So that’s important, too. You’re listening to the guys around you. And you’re really understanding who they are and what’s going on for him. Because most men don’t feel like we feel like, you know, we’re living a life of quiet desperation.
I don’t feel that way anymore. But I did in the past, and I realized that most men do. So what’s the best gift you can give your wife, whether it be Mother’s Day that’s coming up, whether it be her birthday, whether it be the holidays, or whether it just be a Tuesday, give her the gift of being seen, heard, and desired. If you’re not sure how to do that, jump into one of our communities and ask questions, guys. Life’s too short to be average. I’m gonna keep saying that over and over again. You do not want to be average. If I came up to you and said, Hey, do you want to be an average businessman? Do you want to be an average father? Do you want to be an average husband? You would say hell no, Doug, I don’t. I don’t want to look great. Stop being average, step up to the Game Boys. It’s time to play. I’m in your corner, and I want the best for you. I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
