From Arguing 3 Times A Week To Sex 3 Times A Week

Episode #334

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

Every time I come home, I’m doing everything that I can to make my wife happy. And we just end up arguing. It seems like no matter what I do, she gets upset. She starts arguing with me, and we get in a big fight. I get upset, I get mad, argue, and no matter. All the good stuff I’ve done goes to waste. It’s all going to waste, and we tried therapy. And that didn’t work. They just kept on rehashing old problems. These old methodologies don’t work as you’re focusing on. 

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother.

Tim Matthews  0:13

Doing well, yeah doing well, it’s something shining, looking forward to the clocks going back, I think this weekend, in fact, so it’ll be nice. Late nights it is starting to roll in. So yeah, it’s good. I love it.

Doug Holt  0:24  

Yeah, I’ve loved that here too. So it happens to those that don’t know. It happens two weeks earlier in the US than it does in the UK, which always causes some fun scheduling changes amongst the guys. You know, we serve men all over the world, businessmen all over the world. So those time changes are pretty interesting. Here in the States, it’s different because different states have different rules. So we’ll see how that goes in kind of an archaic system, but still nice, as you said, you know, the evening’s last night, reading a book on the couch, my wife, and it was nice to be laid out there. And we just kind of went outside and just took in the fresh air.

Tim Matthews  1:02  

Nice. Yeah, I think we get a spot time. We get some garden furniture. It is nice, obviously the garden that just overlooks the ocean. So I think we’re going to get a nice swing chair. And but at the same time, it’s been COVID. And apparently, there was a shortage of garden furniture. So we shall see.

Doug Holt  1:21  

Yeah, there’s a shortage of everything, man shortage of everything, my son is still coming. But you know, speaking of that, like the garden chair, the patio furniture, my wife and I, you know, on the couch, going outside and going from the couch to the bedroom. What I want to talk to you about today, Tim, is how guys go from arguing two to three times per week, and I’ve been there. I know you have been to having sex two or three times a week. Right? That’s a big shift. When you think about it, as business leaders, we talk about, you know, often, we’re in the conversation of our business. I talked to a guy in the inner circle just yesterday with his team about the possibility of him scaling, right? His business is doing great. That’s where a lot of His focus is. But we also want to talk about with the guys, how do you go from arguing two to three times a week, where your wife feels like your roommate, a roommate with a ring, you know, but at the same time, you’re also looking at divorce, because you got one foot out the door, going, Hey, maybe divorce is the only answer. And chances are your wife has already said the same thing. Or you’re looking at it. So how do you go from that to going the patio furniture, having a swing, maybe having a swing in the bedroom, and having sex multiple times a week? So are you up for that conversation today?

Tim Matthews  2:35  

I don’t answer it. Well, so what you do and

Doug Holt  2:39  

what we’re going to talk about that

Tim Matthews  2:41  

I would love the conversation. Let’s do it.

Doug Holt  2:43  

Yeah. So we look at it. I was talking to one of our clients. So one of the guys that now is in The Brotherhood. And we’re talking about what was going on for him. His name is Mike. I asked him if I could kind of call him out here. And so when I was talking to Mike about what it was, he was telling me like, Doug, every time I come home, I’m doing everything that I can to make my wife happy. And we just end up arguing. It seems like no matter what I do, right? She gets upset. She starts arguing with me, we get in a big fight, I get upset, I get mad, and we argue, and no matter all the good stuff I’ve done goes to waste, right? It’s all going to waste. And we tried therapy, right? And that didn’t work. So this guy Tim invested over a year in marriage counseling with his wife some time ago. And that didn’t work either. Right? They just kept on rehashing the old problems. So as you know, we talked about this. And so I want to give the guys an idea of why this doesn’t work. are these old methodologies. Don’t worry, because you’re focusing on the past. It’s like getting in a high-performance sports car and stepping on the gas but trying to drive looking in the rearview mirror. So you’re looking behind you. Right, as you’re trying to go forward super fast. You’re just going to keep crashing, right, and then go off, get back in the car or get a new car, new therapist. Right, and go again. It just doesn’t work. And guys keep doing it. 

I don’t blame them because that’s what most men have been taught. And, you know, for example, in this guy’s case, you know, he had an affair. And so when he has an affair that gets brought up every session with a therapist, right then he leaves deflated, upset, basically submissive to his wife. Because he feels guilty about everything that’s going on. She’s looking for another guy, right? She’s online, he knows, right? If she’s on her phone, she’s looking. And so it’s just not working for them, guys. And so, really, when you look at this, and the passion that gets lost, is, I want to use the analogy of scales. Right? So have you seen those two scales with the Justice scales, right? If Good and Evil on each side, and, you know, as evil gets stronger tips, the scales or what have you. So I want you to picture those in your mind’s eye right now. But now, this scale is about feelings or experiences. Write about how you’re feeling. So for men, when we first meet our woman, the scale is neutral, right? It’s balanced because we don’t know anything about them, the kind of the first meeting, and then maybe we go on a hike or go out for dinner, or dancing, or to a club or whatever it may be. And we sprinkle a little bit of weight in the positive emotional experience scale, right? So the steel scale starts tipping in our favor, right? 

And there’s and so the scale, and for those listening, the podcast can’t see my great hand analogy here. The negative, the negatives just aren’t there. The positives so outweigh the negatives that, you know, if you fart in front of your girlfriend at the time, she kind of laughs it off. You know all kinds of things, maybe you do something stupid, she laughs it off. That’s funny, right? There are no problems, right? It’s just water off a duck’s back. It’s because you have. You’re so stacked with positive feelings. Now, what happens when we get married, and one reason we get married is the scale. So tipped in our favor, right? If we get married, little things start to creep in resentments, right? now we put in a little bit of dust or weight onto the negative one, and then maybe it’s an argument. The trash wasn’t taken out. An emotional affair is a big weight put on that negative scale, right? Or experience, you know, resentment, all of these things start creeping in. And what happens is the scale goes to neutral. And as it goes to neutral, it starts picking up weights, picking up steam, right? And it starts to balance the other way, where these negative experiences and emotions right are out of whack. There are so many negative ones. And this is the time that most of us guys, and I’m no exception to this rule for my wife and I, we start to go to therapy, right? Because it’s not working, let’s go, Mari, we’ll go to marital counseling. And most likely, the wife’s initiated it. But it’s so negative that all the marital counselor does is go, Ha, let’s look at that negative side of the scale. And let’s just talk about that.

And what that does for a lot of guys is that the masculine eats them and makes them feel bad, and women. And that negative side gets bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier. And so you no longer have this balance, right, let alone being tipped in your favor with positive experiences and emotions. Right. And this is a way that a lot of guys are missing this, you know, and so the real problem these guys are facing here isn’t that their marriage isn’t working? Well, that’s a problem, isn’t that they’re not having sex, although that’s a problem and, and that they’re arguing, and that’s also a problem. But the real issue is, they’re so focused, focused on the negative experiences and emotions in the relationship, that the scales are unbalanced. They can’t get anywhere; they can’t move forward. It’s almost like putting your foot on the gas more when you’re stuck in the snow. Right here. I live in a mountain town, the base of a mountain. Yes, there’s snow here. I see it all the time, you know, especially when tourists are getting some snow, and they’re trying to pull out of a parking lot from the resort or what have you. And they just hit the gas. You see him do that. You’re like, oh, man, you’re just digging yourself in deeper, right? It’s getting worse and worse. And worse, those tires are just rotating, and you see the exhaust going. So they’re working hard, the car engine is working so hard, and they’re going nowhere. It’s getting worse. And so these problems keep coming. And what we can do is we want to stop focusing on these negative problems. And we want to start balancing out the scale. And so I want to talk about how we can do that here. And how we can get them back from this. Now, Tim, you’ve been coaching guys at a high level for a long time. Have you seen this situation with the scales?

Tim Matthews  8:51

For sure, um, an easy trap to fall into, and many things that I think about my experiences and experiences of the man, there’s so many things that add to it, that I didn’t even realize at the time were adding to it, making it worse, a lot worse. And you know, back then, for myself and all the guys that come to us in the beginning, you know, like you, the way to solve it, we think, is to talk about it. Right? And often, it just makes it so much worse. It doesn’t fit the scales back in the right direction at all. I’m sure it does for some people; I’ve just not met any of them to exist; I’m sure they do. I just think it didn’t work for me. They don’t work for the guys who came to wasn’t; it sounded like it didn’t work for you either.

Doug Holt  9:50  

made things worse for me, quite honestly. You know. So when I experienced this, I was one foot out the door. So it was my wife. And then we went to counseling, and now I was afoot and three quarters of the way out the door. And so was she, because it just made things worse, we never left happy, we always left in a worse mood. And we went, we tried multiple counselors, right. So we look at this guy’s you know, again, I want to go back to that analogy of the scales, the things have just become unbalanced, you’re focused on the negative. So we want to do something different. They don’t talk about this in therapy books, and they don’t talk about this in the audiobooks. But this is what works is we need to get those scales back to neutral and then back to positive. And the way that we do this is through something we call the triad of connection. We’ve talked about this in other podcasts, and I’m going to go over it just briefly here to give everybody the idea. Now I understand this is something we teach over several weeks and there are a lot of nuances in it, just like anything else. But if you go back to the car that’s stuck in the snow with no traction, something I used to carry with me, Tim, when I was traveling around North America, and my converted Sprinter van is traction is these traction pads. And so you stick the traction pads up, and the car gets out like this. It just gets grip and traction immediately. So that’s kind of what the triadic connection does here. So the first step is what we call the Clean Slate Method. So the Clean Slate Method, you just basically wipe it out. It almost brings the scales back to neutral, right. So even no matter how unbalanced they are, often we hear this from the man is the Clean Slate Method brings you back to neutral almost immediately. And takes work, it takes time, not going to talk about not much time; it takes work and takes courage. But the Clean Slate Method makes you go from negative feelings to neutral feelings quickly. And guys, we see the super-fast right when they go through The Activation Method. 

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The second step, once that’s going there, right, because really what we’re doing is getting your trust back from your wife, because you’ve lost it, you’ve lost the respect, the trust, the admiration, she doesn’t look at you with those eyes that she used to the right? Once we’ve done the Clean Slate Method, now really what we want to do is get away from the arguments because the arguments are going to keep stacking those negative feelings on there. Right, we want to get back to you, know, holding hands, being nice and falling back into a love of love again. And the way we do this is the second part of the triad, right? This is going to be the Hidden Motives Technique, right? It’s also got what’s called the relationship rescue protocol that we utilize. And then here we’re going to deal with things that have the relationship withstand any storms, right? That’s what we’re doing here. The Hidden Motives Technique is super awesome because your wife’s not going to know you’re using it. That’s why it’s called the Hidden Motives Technique is super effective. I can’t even tell you how much it is because it works. So well. No third party. The third part of the triad of connections is how you know right now we’ve tipped the scales to neutral. Remember in step one, right using theClean Slate Method. Now we’re using the Hidden Motives Technique. And now we have more positive than negative experiences in the relationship very fast. That’s why people are always shocked. They’re like, How fast can you guys do this? Well, this is the technique you guys exactly how we do it. Now we’re having positive experiences. Now you’re enjoying coming home, and your wife’s excited to see you. You’re rekindling everything we used to have. Guys commonly say, wow, this is what it was like, you know when we first got married, but we’re going to do better, right? Because we know that if we just do good, we can go back the other way. This is where the third one comes in. We want our wife to look at us with love, admiration, and respect on that deep level. Not that temporary stuff where you got a bonus check, or Oh, you bought a company or whatever it is. But that deep admiration and respect that you can just see every time you look in her eyes, right? That’s what we want.

And this is where the Live Like A King system comes in. Live Like A King system allows you to fortify all of these experiences, right? And fortify those scales and almost lock the scales in where the positive drastically outweighs the negative experiences, right? These feelings, emotions, and experiences we want to focus on are the positive ones, right? Because when you focus on the positive ones, the negative ones just don’t seem to matter. Right? The problem is most relationship coaches and therapists, whatever they have, focus on the negative ones and try to get past them. That’s Bs, and it doesn’t work. Right? You’re human, and humans aren’t designed to do that. If someone hits you in the head with a baseball bat, they don’t say, hey, just focus on the person who hit me in the head with the base. No, you just don’t go there. Right? So the triadic connection it’s I mean, a simple process. The nuances come in, and there are a few simple changes. But this is how we see guys with a tragic connection, going from arguing two to three times a week to having sex two, three times a week looking at new patio furniture for their house overlooking the beach. And it’s a way that we’ve seen hundreds of men doing it. It’s as simple as 123. Right? It’s just, and it’s a different paradigm that most men haven’t considered reading just because they haven’t been exposed to it.

Tim Matthews  15:04  

Hmm, I think a couple of points, and I love your explanation there. If I’m listening to this, I think I’m putting myself back to when I was in a similar position to the manner in which I commonly come to us, and might be thinking, Wow, that sounds like a lot, right? It’s as simple as 123. And sounds like a lot for me to do. And I’m thinking about the guys that they come to us and experience the biggest shifts. And it’s the guys that realize that a lot of the things that we get the men to do using the try to connect or things that we’re doing in the beginning, slightly differently. And you know, it’s not like you just recreate the beginning. But the point I’m making here is, it’s not like you’ve got to become a different man, you’ve got to become this perfect, pristine guy who learns all these ninja Judo tactics to kind of understand the ways of a woman is it’s not like that at all. It’s simple in many respects and emotive technique as well; what I love about it and come up when we first came up with that name. We’re concerned whether people thought that, is this going to sound like a form of manipulation? Is it going to feel like we’re going to manipulate the woman? But it isn’t all it’s about the Hidden Motives Technique, but it’s all about being able to read between those lines as well, right, and what’s going on, for you guys to connect, so you can have your motive be there and having a little bit hidden. So you don’t have to talk about it, obviously, and build those pieces of connection instead of focusing on communication, which then, as you said, tips the scale.

Doug Holt  16:46  

Well, that’s so here’s the key here, guys. With all of these, this is why they try to connect work so well. And we have had guys go through the program who could not save their marriage, right? It’s too far gone. But there are new relationships that are better than they ever have. Because you use the same techniques because they are easy once you understand the nuances with them. The difference is, you’re not working on your wife. You’re working on the thing you control the most, and you will always own yourself. Right, your paradigm, and that paradigm is power. Right? The paradigm is power. You know, just like my son, right? When he doesn’t know something, it’s super complex. He gets frustrated, too complicated. Daddy means turning four. You know, it’s too hard, is what he says. And all I do is show him a little tweak, right, whatever he’s doing, and then he flies, right. It’s easy. It’s fun. He’s enjoying it. He’s getting the outcome that he wanted the same thing, right? It’s always complex when you don’t know the little nuances, just like a business can be your industry, and your business is super complex to somebody on the outside who’s following the wrong formula, the wrong pattern. And usually, they just need a couple of insights. Oh, it’s not that complicated. So the Hidden Motives Technique, yes, is the reason it’s the hHidden Motives Technique: you’re just taking care of yourself. And you’re doing things with you. I mean, there’s a lot of like I said, I keep saying there’s a lot of nuances in it because we’d be talking about this for hours. We go over this for a month with all the other techniques we teach the guys, but it’s the application. The hard part is like with anything it’s used, we’ve never experienced it before you’ve ever done it. Right? You’ve done it naturally when you’re first getting married, right? Your wife responded to it extremely well. And we fall out of it because it’s just not taught. I wish this. I wish his relationships and finance were taught in schools because it’s things that people really could use. But this is the exact strategy that we use to help business leaders all over the world. Go from arguing Two to three times a week or the cold shoulder to having sex two to three times a week or more.

Tim Matthews  18:55  

I think it’s important to mention the nuances. And the reason I imagine Doug Wise and about the nuances is because being aware that has been designed is to almost be content would be a framework that has the main pieces in that any businessman can then apply. And then also with the nuances turn that tailor that to his unique situation, because you know, every situation, there are patterns that emerge, I’ve worked with 1000s of business people, by now you see patterns, regardless of industries, locations from the UK, US, Canada, etc. Yeah, so we’re able to come up with the tractor connection. And there’s also you, and everyone’s unique to a degree. So hence, the nuances that come into it. And I love it, that you try the connection gives the ability to do kind of for me in the past, trying to fit into a system that wasn’t quite working for me, and didn’t have any flexibility for me to make it my own made me want to rebel, and not use it because it just wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t that the system was bad. I’m thinking about the things I’ve tried before. Wasn’t the system bad? It just wasn’t the right one for me. And I think, well, all the heartache that you myself after the other countries have been through in the decades worth of exploration that we’ve got together. In diving into this, I’m pleased that we’ve been able to distill it down into the triadic connection and just be able to hand it to guys. It’s hey, here’s the try to connect, use it. We’re going to help you overcome the challenges that you face when you’re using it. But here’s the blueprint, go and deploy that. And the guys that do really, and the guys who use as coaches to overcome the challenges. They’re the ones that go from arguing two, three times a week to having sex to three times a week, and it’s great to see. And you know, one of the things I’m kind of going off on because I love the triadic connection so much. The fact that I use it every day as well. I love that it’s a tool that I think I’m going to use for the rest of my life because it’s just so effective.

Doug Holt  21:15  

Yeah, it’s the whole analogy, teach a man to fish versus giving them fish. So that’s what we’re doing for these guys. So guys, you know, if you’re a business owner, we only work with business owners, and you’re experiencing something like this, you want to know more, we’re putting together a group of guys nine men maxed out right there. We’re going to be going through this next month. So go ahead and reach out; just go over to ThePowerfulMan.com; there’ll be a button right there at the bottom that says, let’s start to get started. And you can reach out to an advisor; we can talk to you if this sounds like something you’re interested in learning more about; it’s not a sales call. We don’t do those, right? On the first call, you talk to an alumni person, the guy just like you, who’s been in this situation, and now uses the triadic connection. It’s gotten out of it and just wants to help other guys like yourself. So, gentlemen, it’s for business leaders only. Sorry, guys, if you’re not a business owner, probably not for you. We’re only taking nine guys. So this next month, I do apologize if you’re not able to get in. It’s an application process. But I’d love for you guys to experience what many of these guys like Mike do that was talking about. We’re going from arguing two to three times a week on the cold shoulder, feeling like you’re lost in this mess, to have passionate sex two to three times a week. Tim has always thanked you for being here, guys. That’s a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man show. If you are interested, make sure you go over and again. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com; just hit the Get Started button you’ll find out some more information. And if you can bear with us for a while. I always love those ratings when they come in; Tim and I read them and greatly appreciate your honest, authentic feedback in there that helps us get this message out to more men like yourself. Make it a great week and as always, take action.