Face your Demons

Episode #15

In this episode, Tim shares a very personal of how his extended family is littered with suicide and broken down relationships due to demons of the past being handed down through generations. Tim explains how he overcame the demons in his immediate family and discusses the wider picture of how this generation needs to step up to our demons by having conversations and taking responsibility.

Mental health among young people is at an all-time low. Tim & Doug try to trace why so many people can relate to having being passed on the demons of their parents and present a fascinating theory of how what it meant to be a man was very different in previous generations and this has had a long-lasting effect that is taking its toll on the young people of this generation.

Central to not wanting to share demons with those closest to us seems to be the old attitude and wiring we have of not to air our dirty laundry, always put on a brave face, and the perception that things are great. This has been our instinct for many generations and continues to be so if you look at things like social media where we continue to share our highlights and positivity in a somewhat false and insecure manner.

Tim shares an experiment he put into action of trying to connect with everybody he came into contact with and how amazed he was at how much it put people on edge.

Tim & Doug explain how they have helped so many men face their demons because we are wired to fear our demons and ignore them it’s often easier for people to do nothing about it but the truth is that the demons are never as bad as they seem and the answer lies in communicating and asking for help.

• • How suppressed demons can destroy relationships, business, friendships, and lives of the next generation.

• • How to start being honest with yourself and building the strength to share with others.

• • Understanding how we all have demons inside of us.

• • How bad we have become at communicating properly.

• • Why so many of us are disconnected and driven by fear.

• • The real way we should be facing our demons.
  • The easiest way to face your demons.

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:00  

We just do not have all the time in the world at all. You never know what’s around the corner. We hold off just like in having conversations that matter inexpressibly to what is going on inside of us. Because we just think that, “Oh well, I’ll do it tomorrow, it doesn’t matter.” We suppress it, and we bury it doesn’t mean it goes away.

Doug Holt  0:25  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, “The Powerful Man” himself, Tim Matthews, Tim, how’s it going? Brother?

Tim Matthews  0:43 

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. 2019 is now upon us. I’ve had a great Christmas break. I’m excited to be back. It’s kind of a weird one as well because our year finishes on January 31st. So, although it’s the end of 2018, the beginning of 2019. I don’t feel like I want to review the year; it’s the right time to review it. So the end of January, yeah, although it’s the New Year kind of feels like it’s coming into the final month of our year, which is exciting.

Doug Holt  1:15  

Well, we talk about the end of the year; you’re talking about the end of the year for the business, the movement, and sets, not just the calendar year. Just to clarify for everybody else.

Tim Matthews  1:23  

Yeah, correct. It’s the end of the calendar year, but obviously, we’re working towards the end of January and the end of the year for The Powerful Man movement marks the next stage if you will.

Doug Holt  1:36  

Yep, I know you’re talking about wanting to make sure everybody else does. Well, awesome, Tim, we’ve had a lot. You and I have been talking almost every day, back and forth. A lot has come up throughout the last few weeks. And by the time people listen to this, I’ve seen many posts on social media, and things have happened in our personal lives. But I want to talk today about death and demons. What do you think about that?

Tim Matthews  2:03  

Well, it’s very profound. So, two weeks ago, was it? Well, a couple of days before Christmas. What has been going on in my personal life over the past few weeks, all the deaths that we’ve had, primarily have come from the demons that people have been living with? It’s quite remarkable, and I don’t mean that in a good way, although it could be used in a good way, in some respects. We’ve had three people within our family; my cousins commit suicide, in total. Now, I received a notice, two days before Christmas, that my cousin’s husband had committed suicide. Although he wasn’t blood-related, he was in the family, which then means by default, he was experienced in the family dynamics. This came four weeks after the murdered cousin had committed suicide. And it also came six years to the day that my other cousin had committed suicide. I was on the phone with my dad, my dad, and my sister both separately. They called me up, he shared the news with me and said, “Dad, can you see the pattern?” And he’s like, “You know what, Tim?” I get goosebumps from saying this. “I completely can, yeah. I just cannot believe it.” And I’m like, “Don’t you think that three suicides in one family is a lot?” and he is like, “Tim god, it’s a hell of a lot! It’s a hell of a lot!” I’m like, “Exactly!” and these are all my generation, my cousins. They’re all the sons and daughters of my dad’s brothers and sisters, and there are eight of them, eight brothers and sisters. Suppose you know anything about me and my journey, and you’ll know the journey that I’ve been through with my relationship with my dad. In that case, I’m very grateful that I’m able to have a really honest, open, meaningful conversation with him now. They said something to me that it was great to hear him say this because it showed me that he was open to going in there. And he said, “Yeah, but Tim, you know where it comes from? It comes from above us, doesn’t it?” And I was like, “Yeah, dad, it does come from above.” 

My granddad and grandfather are my dad’s mom and dad. And I was like, “But the reality is, we can’t bury our head in the sand any longer. There’s too much of a pattern going on with my generation because they’re paying the price for the demons. You have brothers and sisters who haven’t chosen to take on. What you don’t take on you pass on.” At some point, every one of my aunties and uncles, my dad’s brothers and sisters, their children have disarmed them. They’ve disarmed them for various reasons. One of my aunts is dated, my cousin’s, her daughter, and her boyfriend and other ones have just been absent fathers. But there are all sorts, and I’m going to dive into all the different reasons why they’re disarmed. The point I want to make here is, they’ve got this disarmed because there’s been a little spot, a little argument that can’t be resolved. They’ve not wanted anything to do with the parents because of how their parents have behaved. Their parents have treated them and what I said to my dad is, there’s a complete lack of love there. And why everybody does is everyone buries their head in the sand, hiding from the pink elephant in the room, not having the conversations that get to happen with their daughters or their sons. Which would bridge the gap and address the demons. Instead, they bury the head in the sand until things come to a situation like this. We have people taking their own life, and it’s just incredible to see that these three people that my cousins, they’ve done this, and I’m so thankful to my sister when I was speaking to my sister about this. 

She was like, “Yeah, but Tim, it’s alright for you. Because you’ve manned up.” quote, unquote, that old saying, “You’ve manned up with that, and you’ve changed your relationship with that.” And I’m like, “But, Caroline, I’ve done that through work. I’ve not manned up” I’ve chosen to go into the places I’ve chosen to have honest conversations with him, face the demons, and create a space where he can express his demons, and then set new boundaries and new standards, and hold us both accountable to them. Because she had the opportunity to do that many years ago. Now, when I first did it with my dad. One of the things I did was, I come clean to my uncle, my dad’s eldest brother, about exactly how my dad was to myself, my mom, and my sister, and I had my sister on the phone, I don’t confess everything, my mom on the phone I can’t confess everything at the moment and confronted my dad. And my dad credit to him, he didn’t run from it and hid from it, he raised his hand, and he reached out, and it changed, my sister had the same opportunity then, but she, for whatever reason, not making her wrong or bad, or whatever she just didn’t stand by the change that she wanted to see. Hence her saying to me two weeks ago, “Yeah, but it’s okay for you.”  The topic of death and demons is such a huge one. Now, I shared in our Facebook community, a couple of days after I had the news about what happened, not to wallow or to get sympathy or anything like that, but to express the urgency to address your demons. Because many of those do not address them, then who do you think does? Is it your kids? It’s kids pay the price because what you don’t take your pass on, and then have to do the work. So doing the work now choosing to do the work, or the work that I’m doing, it’s never stopping work that you’ve done Doug, the work that I feel is the work of the men of our generation, you touch it. So you can pass a torch on to your kids, your daughter, your son, which is completely different from the one you passed. At the end of the day, my dad and his brothers and sisters have done the best they’ve known how to do with the tools they’ve had available to them. We’re very blessed in this day and age to have things like the internet and social media; it’s built to have this conversation. 

It makes it very easy for you to change your circle of influence and establish a new norm much easier than it did 20, 30, 40 years ago when you knew you were raising kids. The beliefs that you have and the actions and habits from the demons that you’ve got we’re just passed on because awareness was at all that was very, I wouldn’t say it was lacking back then. It was very different, and as you can tell, I’m really passionate about this topic for obvious reasons. I just think that you know, sometimes we can forget how fragile life is or can sometimes get into the trap and I’ve done this myself in the past, where we think we’ve got all the time In the world. We don’t; we just do not have all the time in the world at all. You never know what’s around the corner, but we hold off when we hold off just like my dad’s brothers and sisters have done in having conversations that matter and expressing what’s really going on inside of us. Because we just think that “Oh, you know what, well, I’ll do it tomorrow, it doesn’t matter” when we suppress it, and we bury it doesn’t mean it goes away at all. It doesn’t go away. It stays there. And that’s where the demon then continues to sit and reside. When I shared this in the Facebook group, we had so many guys commenting about the demons that either work through while they’re experiencing or they were burying. And it’s so key, in my opinion, that we do the work so that kids don’t have to.

Doug Holt  11:01  

So good at a topic that hits home, I think, to everybody listening in one way, shape, or form. I’ve told you this before, and it’s just, there’s so much pain. Going through your family’s going through, and obviously, my heart goes out to everybody involved and all those listening that are going through something similar. You know, Tim, when you look at this, and we look at this from a top-level from a Powerful Man type perspective of the way that the men and women that listen to this show are thinking. Do you think that in the past, people didn’t deal with these issues? Because it was too hard? Or do you think it was just taboo to talk about it?

Tim Matthews  11:45  

I think, first of all, it was taboo to talk about it. If I think about it, I’ve had these discussions with my dad as well. But obviously, now that link is undeniable, within our family anyway, but the conversations I had with my dad, and he was eight years old, nine years old, ten years old. The treatment that he received from his mother and father was awful at times. It was barbaric at times; it was disgusting. And ridiculous. And, my dad’s now 63. So what’s that? That’s kind of the 1960s. I think let’s say the 1960s. That he was a young boy, I think back then, how many years after World War Two is I think it’s and it’s only a couple. It’s only one generation after World War Two. My grandparents, my dad’s father, and mother, their parents were general; one of them was a general in the army. He was a gentleman, the British Army, and they obviously occupied India. So then my granddad inherited a lot of that really hard upbringing. That’s what he saw sometimes, and I think back then, I think it was to do because the idea of what it meant to be a man and a man’s role in society was really to go out there and hunt. Go out there and be the breadwinner, and be the tough guy and be the one that really enforced. The woman’s role was the role to nurture, to stay home, and to be that motherly figure. That thing got passed on to my granddad, who obviously treated my father and his brothers and sisters in the way that he did. I think it was just the norm, and it goes to your question, Doug, I think it was a combination of things. 

One definitely taboo what it meant to be a man talking about your emotions. Second of all, I think it was the environment because that didn’t have things like the internet, even TV was relatively new back then, wasn’t it? So not having things like the internet, certain media channels, and all the rest of it. You don’t know what you don’t know, do you? And if you’re modeling your environment, and everyone’s kind of in a similar conversation, and at the same time because of the nature of being taboo, so you talk about it less. I guess, the modern-day version of social media, isn’t it? Because back then, it’s almost like the impression I get obviously I wasn’t alive, then I’ve not asked my dad this, but because it was taboo to talk about it. Because of the roles that a man and a woman played and because it had been so soon after World War and media and all the rest of it. Then imagine what goes on behind closed doors. This is what is shown in the world as two very different things for a lot of families. Definitely was for my dad’s family. And it’s interesting because I’m saying this, it’s although we’ve got all these tools in today’s world, and we can access things so much easier it can be so in better conversations and change our environments. It’s almost like social media has been, and I’m kind of going off-topic a little bit here. But it’s almost like social media has become that from, “Hey, here’s my highlight reel,” which can continue that whole topic of it being taboo, and putting on a front, and it’s where the cycle doesn’t change. Suppose you talk about my dad’s face and his demons or any of the men in the Facebook group facing their demons. I think one of the things that contribute to them feeling like it’s a weakness to do so or it’s inferior to talk about. It’s social media as well because they look at everybody else’s highlight reel and think, Well, shit. He’s got all his stuff together, he looks like that, where their family looks like that way. So what if I bring this up, I look even weaker, all I’m stupid, or it can really have some people question themselves. So it just continues to sit in that same place. A lot could have more access to tools, and it’s easier in all aspects. It’s also harder too.

Doug Holt  16:29  

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You know, I think a lot of people grow up with the idea that you don’t air your dirty laundry. You always have to put on the perception that everything going on at the house or in your life is going great. “Hey Tim, how are you doing?” “Great. How are you?” “Great,” and then you walk on? Right? There’s no depth to that. I think that’s what we’re uncovering with all the work we’re doing with men, is there’s so much surface-level bs that’s being passed around the typical, “How are you doing?”, “Yeah, I’m doing good.” the other person is doing good. The next thing you know, unfortunately, that person takes their life. You have no idea, and that you have no idea because people are,  it’s looked down upon to share what’s really going on for you. Yeah, that’s where we get the connection. That’s where we get a connection when you and I share what’s going on with our lives, both privately but also very publicly, which can be awkward, it can seem very awkward for a lot of people. It’s only awkward if you really care what other people think. Suppose you’re really worried about what other people think about you and how they react to you. But the ironic part about that, Tim is when people share both the good and the bad of their lives, that’s how we get close to them. That’s how we connect. And unfortunately, a lot of these men and people in general, women too, but we see it more and more with men as the statistics rise. It’s a lack of connection, a lack of sharing, and, and that you know, we did an episode on Taking Off the Mask keeping the masks on that leads to this path often. 

Tim Matthews  18:49  

It really isn’t. It’s something I’m interested in several weeks ago, and I think I shared this with your Doug; I just was going to fill up my car with some fuel. I just took a moment to be there and really just look into the eyes of the person that was serving me. It was only a few seconds. I mean, it felt like an eternity for both of us, I think. But I was really contemplating the whole element of human connection and how it’s so lacking in today’s world, or it can be so lacking, you know, through social media and electronics but on your mobile phone, doing stuff over the video, whatever, good old fashioned real conversation is where it’s at. Also, the same time for the most powers missing. As you said, is how we connect, so I was thinking okay, what would happen if you know over the next week, when if anytime I really connected with someone, I actually did it with the intent of connecting with them. I did this through eye contact, it was a little experiment I was playing, and I was amazed at how uncomfortable I was at first. But how uncomfortable everybody else was, it was almost like when I was looking at them, and I wasn’t just standing from them staring at them. I was just really being there and being present rather than brushing past them or whatever; I was actually engaging with them and doing it with intent. It was really, really alarming for me to see how uncomfortable it made people and how much people wanted to get out of that kind of energy in that situation, which ultimately is such a basic level of human connection. This just becomes so alien, then we talk about death and demons and speaking of airing dirty laundry if you will. But it is absolutely key to be seen, to be able to be comfortable with people looking at you to be able to be comfortable with what’s inside of you, rather than basing it, judging it on being good or bad based on what’s going on social media are all the norms in society or the norms in other media or whatever. Fuck all that shit doesn’t work. It’s not working for us at all. We’ve got people taking their own lives left, right, and center. We know the status, we all know the status, it’s very close and personal to me, as I’m sure it is to a lot of the listeners as well. And, you know, for me personally, it’s just not good enough. It’s just not good enough how we are so we’ve become so closed down from doing something as simple as speaking and expressing our emotions and eye contact. Just what is going on, and what is going on for the world, the human race? Because we’re all one we’re not divided. We’re not against one another, blacks against whites. It’s not, it’s not like that we’re one human race, we come from one place for so much division and so much fear and so much isolation and why? I guess it’s just not good enough, in my opinion.

Doug Holt  22:37  

I agree. I, you know, and this is what drove me so hard towards The Powerful Man movement is this is not obviously the one of The Powerful Man is involved. But the reason I got involved was that these conversations aren’t happening. And there are so many people out there that are disconnected and don’t know, way out they don’t have a solution, it’s not talked about, and you look at a lot of these men will come to the events, and you get to know them over time. These are business leaders, these are the leaders in the community, leaders at their church or mosque, these are leaders, and yet inside but no one else knows right there looked up upon, looked up to no one else knows they’re in pain. They’re in a lot of pain inside, and they’re bottling it up because they’re role models, right? That’s what a guy does, we suck it up. That’s what we’re supposed to do, and unfortunately, as we found out, a lot of these guys are walking that thin line, they’re facing their demons, or they’re not truth be told, they’re not facing their demons. That’s the real problem, but their demons are coming up. As we found out through the years, Tim has a lot of these men. Once they face their demons and actually look at them and look at him through, we do all kinds of things. I don’t want to give away all the things that happen at The Alpha Reset, but they’re able to face them in a way that’s supportive in a way that allows them to move past them. 

Because a lot of these men were walking the line, we didn’t know this, now you can kind of do this, so often you can look at somebody and kind of get an idea. You’d be almost stupid not to without getting as many reps as we have. But a lot of these guys were walking that edge off, do I want to go on or not? Is life better? Here or not? It’s really, you know, as I used to think how crazy it is to sound like I’m coming from. I understand where they’re coming from, and I understand what they’re saying. As we started this show, you and I were talking offline; it starts with the demons. It’s the demons that are inside of all of us, so to speak. The shadow, as you often talk about in The Activation Method with a manager walking him through the shadow exercises. These are key components that I believe all men should go through and walkthrough and, as you’ve said, so eloquent. Early on, guys, if you don’t do this, if you’re not brave enough to step up and do this, to be the man to step up and face the darkest parts of the corners of your mind and your soul, somebody else downline will be paying that price.

Tim Matthews  25:16  

Yeah, it’s always a case, when does it end? When does it end? If you don’t do the work, then who is going to do the work? When is it gonna happen? It’s just so many things going through my mind right now, as you’re talking about this. So many things and I think the one thing I really want to get across is this was a few things. But firstly, this isn’t about making anybody wrong or judging or whatever. But at the same time, I do need to have a real conversation that if you’re listening to this, and this is resonating with you, then get off your ass. Quite simply, don’t be a victim. Don’t wallow in your own self-pity; just ask for help. I don’t mean that to sound crass or judgmental or insensitive. But at the same time, maybe nobody else is saying this to you. This key that you realize that you are loved and that people do care about you. Often,  if you’re suffering in silence, people are going to read your mind, and your demons are never as bad as you think they are. They’re just not; we build these demons up to these big scary crazy monsters with so much fear and emotion attached around them and entangle in them. Because usually, we’ve been living with these demons since we were 5, 6, 7 years old. We’ve been trying so many different surface-level things to get rid of them: money, women, cars, homes, holidays, whatever. The more that we’ve tried, and the more we’ve not been able to get rid of them, the bigger they seem. 

They’re not that big, and they’re not that scary. I know that might not mean a great deal right now coming from me, stood on the outside looking in. But I’m saying that from the perspective of we have walked hundreds of men through these processes, and then never as bad as it seems, once you’re in the process. Once you’ve taken that leap, it’s like going to the gym, what’s the toughest part of going to the gym is getting there. What is the toughest part of getting rid of your demons is raising your hand and asking for help? You’ve got to do it; you really have got to do it’s not okay for me to sit by and watch as more people choose to take their life; it’s just a complete waste. It’s so unnecessary, it’s so unnecessary. Just raise your hand, ask for help. I know all these shows we often like to include all in the show; what’s one thing the guys can do right now? The one thing you can do really is quite simply asked for help, raise your hand, have that conversation with somebody that you hold him back from having reached out to us. Look, I don’t really give a shit when you work with us or not. I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, but I don’t. I care more that you actually have somebody to speak to. Join the Facebook communities, and it’s free, it’s full of guys, come in there speak to us. Go on the website and download more training, whatever you get to do to just get moving and get out of this. Because it doesn’t have to end in the way that it’s ended for a lot of my family. And end for so many men, you are capable, and deserving and worthy of so much more and so much better. And with so much more ease than what you might be experiencing right now.

Doug Holt  29:04  

So true. So men and women, but men in particular, as you’re listening to this, if you are in that place, reach out to a friend. There are helplines; in fact, we’re working right now on trying to partner up with a couple of this one in the UK, one in the US. You know, to talk about men’s mental issues, please raise your hand. Tim and I are accessible. So the other coaches, this is not our specialty. We’re not suicided prevention specialists or therapists by any means, nor are we trying to claim or put off that we are. We’re just guys. We’re just guys that are here for you. If there’s anything that we can do for you, please let us know. You know you’re needed here on this plane. We want you to be here. Tim, any other parting words that we can take away? 

Tim Matthews  29:55  

No. 

Doug Holt  29:57  

Awesome. Well, that’s a wrap for another episode, guys. Until we see you next week, we’d love to see you on Facebook. We have a private community there. So make sure you get there and make sure you check out the live webinar that we have on the website. Have an amazing rest of your day.