Tim and Doug present another episode of empowerment for men in business and life. We have all seen that guy who tries to put on a mask or a brave face in work while everything crumbles around him in his personal life.
Do you struggle to separate business life from your personal life?
Do you constantly push to do that one last thing?
Are you in a cycle of creating, conquer, next?
Are you certain you are getting the very best out of life?
Men are, by default are focused and determined, and work hard constantly in order to achieve but sometimes they are not sure exactly what they are trying to achieve.
This can often be unfulfilling and have a damaging effect on your personal life. Putting all your energy and focus on work will lead to gaps in other parts of your life. In this episode, Tim and Doug discuss the link between your work and personal life and how each bleeds into each other.
Tim & Doug share personal stories and very simple proven techniques that they use with his partner which has to lead to a more honest and healthier relationship.
What you will learn from this episode:
- How to identify a definite role and who you want to be.
- Techniques to improve your personal / love life.
- How to apply aspects of your personal life to improve your business and vice versa.
- How to overcome fear.
- The importance of opening up emotionally.
- Empowerment through communication and interaction.
Tim Matthews 0:00
How I care was asking these guys to stand on the edge of a building and jump off, you know, it was just a question that was going to open up a conversation whereby they were going to be seen. At first, they did it, as I said, it produced a fantastic result.
Doug Holt 0:13
Take him up on this, do this exercise, you’re going to reap so many rewards. I think all too often. We’re afraid. What are people going to think of me if I asked this question?
Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your co-host, Doug Holt, and here I am with The Powerful Man, Tim Matthews. Tim, how are you doing?
Tim Matthews 0:35
I’m very well. Thank you. How are you?
Doug Holt 0:37
I am doing great, doing great. Tim, the question I wanted to throw out there to this podcast in this forum is the idea of helping men grow. It was the idea that you know, especially as business owners, that we can separate our personal lives from our businesses. So it’s a question many men have, and we often hear from business owners is “Oh, no way, no way.” If I can just solve this problem in my business, I can only get to this next financial hurdle, and everything else will be right. And I can segment out my relationships, right? Or the way that I’m taking care of myself. So when we hear that, and we often listen to it, what would you say to that? Would you say if I asked you right away and said, “Hey, look, I’m having these problems in my life, low energy?” I’m probably not saying it to you, right? I just really, it’s the internal dialogue. But then I just talk about business, and you know, and I segmented my business life is one thing, and my personal life’s another. What would you say to that person?
Tim Matthews 1:34
Interesting and you know, what came to mind when you and I were speaking about this a couple of weeks ago in Oregon, and we were talking about, it’d be like a mirage in the desert worldwide. And we were saying, you know, it’s kind of like sometimes what we do is, all that we see men do is, you know, it’s pride. I’ve fallen victim to it. Sometimes I’ll show you how, you know, no one’s perfect.
Doug Holt 1:58
I’m perfect. Hardly.
Tim Matthews 2:02
It’s hard. It’s hard to live up to live alongside you. It’s a big mantle to live up to but in terms of mirage in the desert, so what we were saying is, it’s kind of like destination happiness, isn’t it? You know, wandering through the desert, we are struggling, starving, dehydrated, and alone, and we see this oasis in the distance. And we think, okay, I’m just going to just two more steps, two more steps when I get there. I’m just going to do this. Keep going, keep going, keep going, and push and force and struggle, but when you get there in the end, only to realize it’s a mirage. And the closer we seem to get to it, the further away it seems to get you to know, we never actually get there, do we?
You know, it’s the whole thing of just shifting the goalposts. Time and time again and not take a moment to arrive at the oasis and bear in the luxurious cold refreshing water because, as men in my experience, you know working with the men. In my own experience, we can sometimes be guilty if you like, if you know, writing a cycle of creating, conquering, next, creating, conquering, and next, you know which is those achievers it’s easy to do. It’s quite addictive to do sometimes because you know you get shit done, you achieve things, and it feels great. Next thing boom, boom, boom boom, boom. But there comes when, when does it end? You know, when does it end? And that’s when you know in my experience that it starts to feel but out and exhausted. And you know, it’s just very unfulfilling, isn’t it? Toys, chairs, and something that’s always moving.
To my advice, you know what I said somebody in that position is to stick to the initial decision or the initial goal, you know, instead of narrowing it, moving the goalposts just to enjoy it when you get there. But more importantly, with the type of men that you and I are Doug, and I’m sure the listeners are even women listening with their husbands. You know, with the kind of men that they are. They’re achievers, and there’s always going to be the next thing. So that’s never going to stop unless you die unless you stop growing. So if it’s never going to stop, may as well just stop kidding ourselves. Accept that, enjoy the journey as well, or rather than delaying the gratification for when we get to that place because we’re never going to get there.
Doug Holt 5:07
Yeah, well said. And it’s so true. And I think that as men, in particular, we tend to lead with significance, right as one of our main things and, and when things are going wrong in our relationships. I know I can speak for myself back and, you know, ten plus years ago at this point, you know, when things were going wrong in my relationships, I would turn to work, you know, I knew that I could pull work off. I knew that things were going wrong in any area, would it be my health or, you know, not having as much fun, I could put in the time. Work and I would get the accolades, the boys the excellent job, you know, I could move the needle in the business where I couldn’t at the time in other areas because I was stuck.
Right and what I hear so often from people and I had this conversation with the business owner, gosh, two days ago. At this point, and what he was saying is, well, I’m very good at segmenting my work life, and then my home life, they’re just very different, and amongst the conversation, we were having. It turned out that he and his wife were getting a divorce. And he had no energy, couldn’t focus on work, you know, and the truth was, he was lying not only to me but more importantly, lying to himself about segmenting, we don’t put on one mask, you know, I think you use that term, and I’m stealing it from you because it’s so good. You see, we don’t put on one mask and then get home and then put on another it just doesn’t work that way. You know, we’re all humans. Now. You may take your suit off, and you take your tie off as soon as you leave the office.
But the reality is, we’re human beings having, you know, human beings’ experience. And the two are tied together. And I know for me, Tim, that if there’s a problem in my marriage, right? My wife and I were fighting for some reason. Now. Luckily, we’ve got You to know, skills and, and things that allow us to come back from that quickly. Now, but if we’re fighting if something’s going wrong, then someone’s health of my family that bleeds over into my business. It just takes over my emotional energy, my thought process, and everything else. And when I turn to the company or turn to work, that drains me more, because I’m not addressing the problem. I’m hiding from it.
Tim Matthews 7:29
Yeah, it’s so true. As you say, you know, I was thinking of many instances when I used to operate in that way, and you don’t see what you don’t know, do you? You know, because for so long, we as a society as a culture of men, let’s say, we’re taught to work hard for so long when we, you know, there’s so much pride to be taken in the struggle. And you know what, there was so much pride taken in the amount of pain that you could tolerate. If you think about it, it is kind of counterintuitive, because if anything, you want to lower your pain threshold, so that you tolerate less so that you change quickly and you have a higher quality of life. But, you know, in and amongst all of this, two things that came to my mind, as you were speaking, were: the levels, you know, we, we were not a different person in our business as we are as a husband or partner or whatever.
We are the same man as you said, and, you know, for a lot of people and me, the way I used to be, is it okay, well, who am I as a partner or as a son as what does that look like? Because it wasn’t a question, I ever asked myself. You know, when you get married, you give, you swore to some vows. And, you know, maybe I’m not married, so I don’t know. Perhaps those vows become what you define your role in the marriage, but also the very vague and very limiting, and they don’t give room for much growth or direction or, you know, just my own opinion. But the point I’m making here is in business, and it’s evident what your role is as a business owner, as an entrepreneur, and based on society. You know how your pain threshold, the more money you are and push and also and fast and grind is very easy by default to plain the masculine energy.
And, you know, just surrender to that and buy into that and make it work. Whereas when you go into a relationship, there’s still a question mark over Well, what does it look like for me to be a fucking amazing husband? What does that mean to me? And that’s such a critical point, in my opinion, what does that mean to me because you can’t tell me what your definition is because that I may take two things from it, you know, you are an amazing husband with her. I may take two things from it, but I may have two things from my own experience from something that I’ve witnessed from my parents, whatever I want to add to it. And it’s having that awareness and that freedom within you, within yourself, and the confidence to be able to ask the question, make up your mind, and then go out there and be that person. Yeah, I guess, to some degree, a role is still the same man playing different parts if you always like the same person.
But more importantly, in my opinion, it’s the energy that you’ll then show up within the different roles. You know, in the business owner, it’s probably going to be a little more masculine for the most part. Let’s say, in the relationship, and he cannot take the same energy, the same problem-solving nature. Have the same problem-solving leadership, the same analytical thinking into your relationship because the woman in your life doesn’t want to be solved. And, you know or work out. She just wants to be seen and heard and loved, and there’s a very, it’s a different type of energy, isn’t it then the harder to set. It’s still masculine energy, but it’s a different, a different type. And we’re kind of getting off on it and will end. We can get off on a tangent now, but you get you to go on with that with the integral roles and definitions and such a critical point.
Doug Holt 11:35
Oh, absolutely and, and to be fair, and just so the listeners know, you know, when we start these off, I throw a question to the table. So you haven’t had any time to prep for any of this. The way we thought about this is we didn’t feel like there were any conversations for men out there at a high level that were happening. So that was the intent of this show. So I agree with you. So from what I hear you say in that case would you recommend for you that each man listening to this would kind of Stephen Covey talk about your roles in life, write out what parts they have, like, you know, son, father, or husband, that’s for me. And everybody’s roles are different, and then write out who you want to be in those roles, is that you recommend?
Tim Matthews 12:15
Yeah. And you know, what, if you’re going to take it a step further, what are your KPIs in those roles? And let’s just use business terms. Because, you know, that’s the for most for you and I and most of the men we work with, and I imagine most of the listeners, that’s the most common ground and when I say that KPIs, obviously you get to, you know, these are going to change from time to time, and I’m going to use an example. In my relationship with Amelia, we have something called the eight compass questions, and we’ll snitch. There’s a love language, and with the eight compass questions. It’s all around, you know, what you want our sex life to look like and how it functions? What has to happen to make me feel particularly loved and essential, and vice versa? What makes me happy about doing the thing that you like to do? There are different things. Now, when Amelia and I first went through these, we went somewhere, you know, out of the changed environment went somewhere we both love somewhere that excites us and inspires us. It was actually in the middle of nature. No way. Kind of classy. It was right into Yeah.
Doug Holt 13:25
That is classy. That is classy.
Tim Matthews 13:27
Yeah. You know, you’re similar to me, we, you know, we love that kind of stuff like a simple life. But anyway, the point is, we went through the exercise, wrote mine down, wrote hers down, and then read mine out to her. She read hers out to me. And we asked, okay, how many of mine are you currently hitting? And Amelia asked that same question of me. And let’s say it was four out of eight. One of the goals then KPIs of the relationship for the next 90 days was to try For me, and Amelia, you know, I didn’t say I want this to be our KPI per se, but you know, she just buy into it as well, for me was to increase the number of those compass questions.
I was hitting for Amelia, from four to six out of eight, let’s set and then in 90 days would go somewhere again. We’d review them, you know, maybe your answers have changed, perhaps they’ve not the point is, in terms of me know, my role is to make it very clear on how I get to show up, you know, what her expectations are, I would say understand what her expectations are. Either has a choice, don’t I? You know, can I meet them? Like, actually, can I meet them? Yes or no? Do I want to meet them? Do I want to meet them, yes or no? And am I prepared to put in the work to maybe, you know, go through my growth to meet them?
Yes or no. And at that point, I made a choice and, you know, point being is in terms of an answer to your question. Yeah, I think it is essential that we know the roles that we have within our life. And what it looks like for us to be forming those roles. Well, because otherwise, you know, you’re just kind of floating, aren’t you to some degree, you know, how do you know that you’re useful in your living? How do you know that you’re getting the most out of life, and this isn’t from a perspective of enough is never enough? It’s from what is called a milk life, everything that she’s trying to give me.
Doug Holt 15:38
I love that love that. So many nuggets in there, man, like, you know, and for those listening KPIs or business goals, key performance indicators, and I think you use that so well, Tim, gosh, that…Guys! Write these exercises Tim just gave you down. They are monumental.
Doug Holt 15:58
Hey guys, I had to interrupt this show because I want to talk to you about a case study. It’s only 11 minutes. We go over and show you how almost 300 men have taken control of their life, already have four acts of business revenue, and are having more connected intimate sex with their partner using The Activation Method. And they’re doing all of this without burning down their relationships. And without suffering and sacrificing their health. We want you to have this too. So go over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/ the number eleven, 1 1, and get this right now. It’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.
Doug Holt 16:44
So the question for you is when you and Amelia did these exercises? Were there any for either of you? Were there any times that either of you was like, Yeah, not willing to do that.
Tim Matthews 16:52
Um, yeah, Amelia had some apprehension for sure. Because, you know, I’m more into this type of growth, if you want to call it that personal growth, then she is you know, she’s a very aware woman. Very grounded, emotionally stable, firm, confident, independent, and kind of stuff. But she’s just kind of that way, you know, she’s never really done. She doesn’t read any audiobooks, you know, her passion is dogs, and that’s where she grows. So yeah, it was up apprehension from her side. But how I approached her Doug was, “Hey, do you know what Amelia I love you, and I’m committed to being the best partner I can be for you. You know, I know that this is all available for you and me to experience together and individually because the truth is, now when we’re hitting these compass questions.”
What fright thrives outside of the relationship to you know, so when I approached her with this angle of look, you know, I’m committed to being the best man I can be for you. Can you help me to do that? She’s going to say yes, isn’t she? So she said “Yes. Cool. What does that look like?” “Well, there are these eight questions that I’d love some feedback on. Can you answer them for me? And you know, I’ll do the same for you too.” So there are different angles, isn’t it? Because I’m not approaching it with, Hey, look, I want to be in a relationship, I want more of my needs met, or whatever.
It’s not coming from the aspect of making her wrong or trying to solve things or making the relationship unsuitable. It’s just about you know, let’s grow together without saying that So anyway, she’s a little bit apprehensive, but she did it for sure. I think one of her fears was about this making the relationship entirely mechanical. That’s why we went to a new environment. We did something we both love, and they’re just guideposts, to be honest. And it wasn’t a kit then didn’t become a case of Oh, well, you’ve only hit four of our eight this week. But you know, that doesn’t quite fit into a number five out of eight, you know, it was a guidepost to be just that, a guide.
Doug Holt 19:00
Impressive, that’s so cool. My wife and I do something we call it love tank, you know, on a scale of one to 10. And now we do a one to five, you know, how full is your love tank? Do you know what that means? It’s just a check-in, you know, and we probably would say now we probably don’t do it as often as we could. But it’s very similar to what you’re talking about and allows us to stay on track. And I’ll tell you what, man, there have been times where I’m like, yeah, it’s going to be a five and I asked and checked to and like, what?! But there are also times where I’m like, yeah, it can be a two and then I get a five and not in going back to what you’re talking about love languages, right? No, my wife and our love languages are the opposite. Yeah, they’re not the same.
So we have to, we get to consciously. You know, sometimes No, we’ve been married for a long time together eight years. But we get to consciously, you know, think about what the other person’s love language is and make sure we’re hitting that. Because You know, that’s the important thing about that love language, right mines, mines, you know when you come to it, and this goes for business too, by the way, guys, love languages happen in business businesses about people. So you take these same skills, you’re using the work that Tim’s talking about. If you apply this to your leadership team and other people in your organization, it’s about relationships. It’s not just about your, your significant other here. But say my love language is acts of service. And her love language is quality time. So when I’m trying to show her love, I’m not thinking about it, and I’m doing things for her.
Meanwhile, she’s just like, why aren’t you hanging out with me, but let’s just hang out. And vice versa. She’s just hanging out with me. I might be like, Hey, you know, why don’t we do something, you know, productive? No, you make some high points on that. And I think many of us guys can fall into that role of wearing these masks where we feel for some reason, you know, our relationship might be not doing well and all of a sudden businesses are doing well and no ones going to see through it right? Don’t we all see and know that guy who we know everything is crumbling around them, but they try to act like they have it all together, and everybody just sees right through what’s happening.
Tim Matthews 21:11
Hmm, yeah, yeah, I think I’ve been that guy sometimes.
Doug Holt 21:16
Right? I mean, we all have. And I think I mean, that’s what makes a great coach is you’ve been down the path. Now you can see it very clearly, and you’ve figured a way out of it. To your point, Tim, you’ve developed things like you’re just talking about, you’ve developed so many systems and cooling techniques that you apply to men. You know, not only can you see it so clearly and transparently, it’s almost like you look through somebody when you’re working with them, that you also bring out their best through these techniques because you’ve used them, you’ve been there.
Tim Matthews 21:45
Yeah, for sure. And it’s, I think it’s a lot. One of the keywords that comes to my mind Doug is flexibility. You know, as we’re talking about the different roles and understand the difference between personal and professional roles, and you know, allowing it to the oldest Doug merging to one per se is so crucial to be flexible with yourself. You know not to apply that black and white problem-solving niche that is so useful in business even the flexibility is super helpful in the industry, of course as well pivoting. All the rest of it, but you know, it’s more flexible with yourself in those areas that are more personal and involved in someone who may not be on the same. How do I say this, it’s not necessarily the same level as you, but you know, when you are in your company, you are surrounded by people who are all bought into your way, your vision, and your thing. Although it’s a company and its relationships, its people are your company. So you set the image, set the culture, set the values, and your company.
People are there because of you. In all honesty, they’re there because of you as a leader and the vision you’ve created and then wanting to be part of it. Now in your relationship, the woman is there not because of that. She’s there despite that, you know, she’s there for everything you are outside of that. Yeah, she, she loves that side of you. But I’m sure that she’s there for everything you are despite your business successes or failures, per se. To give yourself that flexibility, because love languages are going to change over time, in my opinion, grow together or you grow apart. And if you try and love your partner today, in the same way, that you loved her four years ago, it may or may not work is so vital to be able to check-in with it. Be flexible, don’t be hard on yourself, and allow yourself to just even and flow with things, especially with these roles that you’re playing, because one of them, one of the critical elements in all of this is vulnerability, isn’t it? Is that willingness to be seen? It’s that willingness to show weakness and be like, I don’t fucking know. You know, because in business we might experience we are often terrified. I don’t fucking know.
You know if you’re the leader, so yeah, you may have, you may ask questions if your leadership team, but the point is, you know, they’re looking to you for leadership. Whereas in your relationships and the roles that you play as a son, as a husband, as a friend, sometimes, it’s impossible for you to know what other people want. So you don’t know what it takes to be a great son or a great husband. Having that vulnerability, that ability to be able just to be like, help me out. What does it look like? It is such a great and straightforward perspective to have.
Doug Holt 25:08
I couldn’t agree more. And I think there’s an evolutionary shift in our society at least I hope there is. And you know, this business owner I was talking about your toxic two days ago, is such a strong, physically strong, empowering man. And when I spoke to him about it, and you know what came out of it, he felt weak, opening up and I was like, Man, that’s the opposite. Like it takes a stronger man to open up to your point, I think it makes you have to be secure in yourself, you have to be reliable. That takes such another level and every man listening to this, especially if you know the women, their significant others looking to this knowledge. And I know I’m on my journey early on in my career, you know, starting a business in my early 20s I was not strong enough. I had all the business acumen. I was physically healthy. You see, I took the roll the whole nine.
In retrospect, the truth is that I wasn’t strong enough emotionally to show myself and show what’s going on. This doesn’t mean you know, and you have to go out and start sobbing, and you know, now there’s nothing wrong with it. But this is talking about just being strong enough to be a leader and be who you are. Right? And be who you are, share yourself, and talk to others, you know, Mom, what is it? You know, what is it like for me to be a good son, you know, or, or to your significant other, especially? What is it like for me to be the best for you?
Tim Matthews 26:37
Yeah, so, such a great question. One of the first things that we have the men do in The Activation Method is asking more or less that question, you know, what is it like to be in a relationship with me? I was speaking in New York last year. I was talking about the power of relationships. You know, being vulnerable in them and how that power carries through into business and, you know, anyway, I met I made an invitation to the audience. I said, Okay, so who thinks right now the three people in the three relationships in your life that have them that you have the most resistance in care around you. Know who those three relationships are. They start to see the audience kind of, you know, getting precise and thinking and looking up and body language shifts, those energy changes begin to get a little bit awkward. And I’m right, okay, so now take a mobile phone, and maybe two people take on the mobile phone. So take out your mobile phone.
Doug Holt 27:47
Tim Matthews 27:48
Two more people check out it’s I got four people now four more offer some flight. Yeah. Okay. So we’re now going to text those people. And you’re going to text them the question What is it like to be in a relationship with me?
Doug Holt 28:04
Tim Matthews 28:05
And they looked stunned. They were like, Are you crazy?
Doug Holt 28:14
I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know.
Tim Matthews 28:16
Like, I like, Look, guys, this is an invitation you’ve got open right now to ask this question. And all it is a question. All that we do is open a line of communication. You know, in the end, anyway, people come up to me afterward, they did it eventually in the dinner days later. And you know, critics created some fantastic chips. But the point I’m making here is that question is super powerful, and it helps you out and two. How much resistance we create around the most straightforward and things evolve human communication interaction is merely asking that one question. It’s not like I was asking these guys to stand on the edge of a building and jump off, you know that while we were playing Russian roulette with a good you know?
It was just a question that was going to open up a conversation whereby they were going to be seen, and of course, they did it, as I said. It produced a fantastic result, but yeah, it’s crazy how communication is just so many rules around it. There are so many rules and resistance, and you know levels and when, in fact, it can be one of the most empowering experiences. It has been one of the most empowering experiences in my life personally, but it can be for others too.
Doug Holt 30:02
I couldn’t agree more—what a powerful, powerful exercise. If you listen to this right now, which you are, you’re hearing me do this now, take Tim up on this. Ladies, if you’re looking to this as well, but do this exercise, you’re going to reap many rewards. I think, all too often we’re so scared. What are people going to think of me if I asked this question? The real problem is right on the back of your head, and you’re a little scared of what the answer is going to be. Right? And I think stepping into that fear is a sign of masculinity or just a sign of power in general.
Tim Matthews 30:42
Yeah, for sure. It’s freedom, isn’t it is just absolutely free. And you know, like yesterday, I was doing Facebook Live with one of the guys that have only experienced amazing results. Then, you know, you’ve been there, and he’s been inboxing me and sending me a message. It has been on fire and all these fantastic life-changing results in his life, his relationship with his health with how he feels going from being depressed and angry and unfulfilled to just literally being on fire. And anyway, yesterday will not be on fire because that would have worked. But yesterday we were doing a Facebook Live, and I asked him some questions about, you know, instances of what happened when he got angry. And I was like, ah, I knew you were going to ask that. Because you know what he’s been getting mad at when he used to get angry, would flip tables, and he flipped tables in the home with food on. With people sitting around, he was smashing plates out of frustration, his anger reached boiling point, and it was scaring many people close to him.
But anyway, he didn’t want to speak about this. So obviously I brought it up and afterward after the Facebook Live message me he’s been like: “Wow, that was so freeing just to be able to speak about that openly, you know, not caring what people thought of me, I feel even, I feel even lighter now, you know, because there’s no mask, there are no lies, there’s no more keeping up appearances.” Because that whole thing of wearing a mask of keeping up appearances is so fucking tiring. You know, when you’re trying to wear lots of different covers, that’s when all your rules start to you know, you begin to leak energy and begin to bleed energy all over the place. And that’s where your roles become blurred. You know, back to the whole star, the show when you spoke about personal and professional, professional life and you know, somebody that’s kind of going all in, in the professional life. That’s where you start to pay the prices, personally and professionally. Because, you know, you can’t keep up with it all, and it burns you out, it drains you out. You start to feel ashamed of what you’re doing. You begin to talk More lies cycle of shame and sabotage because then what you do is you often reach for drugs or alcohol or food or whatever the vices to try and fill the void that you were creating in your life. Hence, yeah, it’s super powerful and is just having that line of communication.
Doug Holt 33:20
So, so true. Well, Tim, there are so many nuggets and information I know you and I were going to say this every time, of course, we can talk about this for hours, and we often do but in closing. You know if you were to give someone listening to this one thing to take away just one exercise, one thought process one thing to take away, what would you say?
Tim Matthews 33:41
It’s impossible to lie to yourself, and it’s never as bad as you think.
Doug Holt 33:45
Boom, there it is. Write that down, you guys, impossible to lie to yourself, and it’s never as bad as you think, the alpha man himself to Tim Matthews. Thank you So much again, everybody. We will see you again in another episode. Thanks for being with us.