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Beyond Roommates: Rediscovering Your Partner As Your Soulmate

Episode #800

Are you looking to enhance your daily mindset and improve your relationships?

Wondering how small daily practices can lead to significant positive changes?

In this enlightening discussion, discover the power of acknowledging daily wins and cultivating a positive perspective. Join us as we delve into the importance of focusing on the things that are going right in your life and how this mindset shift can impact your interactions with loved ones.

In this episode, you’ll learn about the transformative practice of writing down five wins each day and its profound effects on personal well-being and relationship dynamics.

Discover how training your perspective to seek out the positive aspects of life can lead to lower levels of stress and greater emotional resilience.

Explore how adopting a mindset of gratitude and positivity can not only benefit you but also positively influence those closest to you, creating a ripple effect of happiness and fulfillment in your relationships.

Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

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Doug Holt  0:00  

Being roommates sucks, let’s just call it what it is. When the woman you said I do too, becomes your roommate, everything’s harder, businesses are harder. Right. All things are rough. And I can speak from experience. I had three companies when my wife and I were going through our roughest patch. And that’s all I could think about was how much things sucked. I thought about leaving, I thought planning all those just suck my energy away. So fast forward to today we’re scaling at a 10x Multiple right now. That’s because partially, I know Homebase is secure. I don’t have a roommate or a soulmate. 

Hey, guys, welcome back to the TPM show-it look. Are you living together with your partner but just feeling apart? But today we’re going to learn how to transform your cohabiting routine into a deep soulful connection. That resonates or reignites your love story. So gentlemen, today I am joined by the co-host with the most Mr. Tim Matthews, Tim, thanks for being here, brother.

Tim Matthews  1:02  

Yeah, it’s a pleasure. 800th Episode 

Doug Holt  1:06  

It’s the 800, Buddy. 

Tim Matthews  1:08  

Incredible that we started the show years ago. Yeah.

Doug Holt  1:13  

Quite a few revisits in there

Tim Matthews  1:14  

in there and to celebrate for the ones. 

Doug Holt  1:16  

You’ve done a great job, buddy. You’ve done a great job. 1000 What can we do?

Tim Matthews  1:22  

Yeah, good question.

Doug Holt  1:26  

Let’s ask the listeners.

Tim Matthews  1:27  

Maybe the listeners can give us some ideas.

Doug Holt  1:29  

Yeah, guys, we’d love to hear you guys in the private community for their in the movement. What should we do for the 1000 Episode? I can’t say that all of a sudden. Too much coffee here. What do you guys think we should do? I know we’re gonna get a lot of interesting comments from the men. For the rest of you guys. We have a private Facebook Community that is open to all man that our listeners you can go over there and give us some suggestions. But yeah, 800 is quite a milestone, buddy.  

Tim Matthews 1:31

And how many downloads think last week? Last month? Last week? Was it 40,000? Ish? 

Doug Holt  2:03  

It is close to a million. 

Tim Matthews  2:04  

Oh, in total? Wow.

Doug Holt  2:08  

Well, that’s not counting the other ways that we get this podcast out to people. This just counts the normal podcast route, if you will, which is pretty interesting. But Tim, we’re not here to talk about 800. We’re here to help the guys who feel like they have roommates. Right? Not a wife, not a soulmate, but a roommate. And as I always used to say, it’s not the cool roommate that you had in college, that you could be watching Sports Center, they get up and they throw you a beer, it’s the roommate that if you’re watching Sports Center, they’re probably giving you a hard time. It is the roommate that if you’re sitting on the couch, they’re wondering why you’re being lazy, that you’re being critical of each other from time to time. So I really want to get through there, give these guys some strategies for breaking out of that roommate routine, helping them foster a culture of appreciation and gratitude. And then really a way for them to create some rituals that will strengthen the bond and their marriage. Are you up for that?

Tim Matthews  3:06  


Doug Holt  3:06  

Let’s do it. So one of the things I think is important, Tim is to talk about how we get here first, and people have heard me talk about this before, but I think it’s important to revisit because if you don’t know how you got here there are chances of repeating the pattern of getting back here are very high. So what I want you guys to do is imagine two scales, right? The scales of justice, right, where you have one scale on the left, one scale on the right, balanced. Now, when you first start dating, the scale with good feelings and habits is overwhelmingly weighted, right, and the bad ones are not because you don’t know any bad things about each other. And I used to joke all the time, Tim, that you could fart pass gas, and you guys would chuckle and laugh, it was cute. Whereas once you get married, and you add some kids in the mix, work stress as you’re trying to get the house and all the things that go with being a married couple, these bad feelings start to add up over time, sleepless nights with the kids, little arguments here. And then all of a sudden, you realize that these bad feelings and experiences far outweigh the good ones, to the point where taking out the trash becomes an argument that can last for weeks. 

And it’s never about the trash. But that’s what it seems like to be. And even when you try to go on vacation, the vacations end up being arguments rather than fun things to do. Even stopped looking forward to doing things together because your roommate is no longer your soulmate. Your roommate is this person that’s living in your house that’s not even friendly to you. They’re cold and they reject you. So one of the things we can do here is really flip the script, right? Because when there’s any resentment, there’s going to be conflict. And so we need to get rid of that resentment first and foremost. Now at TPM, we use something called the triad of connection. We don’t have the availability to go over the whole tribe that connection with you guys on this podcast, but it’s it’s really three points here right Tim? There’s a Clean Slate Method, which allows you to wipe the slate clean. So you can start from scratch, right, you’re not going back and looking at those past actions, those past complaints that your wife brings up time and time again, that seemed to come out of nowhere, we wipe those clean, then we apply what’s called The Hidden Motives Technique

That’s the second part of the triad. The Hidden motives technique allows you to rebuild those good feelings and habits. So you can tip the scales in your favor. Now tipping the scale in your favor is going to feel amazing and everything but we don’t want to start stop there. So we throw in the third component, which is the Live Like a King System. And that allows you to keep it there permanently. So you’re not going back through the old patterns that got you in trouble in the first place. So oftentimes, people will say, hey, my marriage is better than it’s ever been better than the honeymoon Peter period. That’s because you guys know more about each other, you’re back to like a honeymoon type feeling. But you have more wisdom, you have more strength in your bonds. And so the sex is better, and everything’s better when you can get that into, into place. So Tim, let’s talk about some of the things they can do to help strategies help them break out of this roommate routine.

Tim Matthews  6:10  

Get a Morning Routine. Obviously, we give the men the Alpha Rise and Shine that contains very specific pieces. Alpha is an accurate acronym for a tune, learn, plan, on a accelerate. But whatever is for you just do something to carve out the first chunk of the day, however long that may be to put yourself in a optimal state, ideally, but if not just a better state, so that you can start the day on the best foot and put your best foot forward. And I mean, something that goes hand in hand with this that the guys struggle with a little bit in the beginning of The Activation Method, but they really get the hang of it, towards the end of it and going into The Brotherhood or in a circle or whatever program they continue with us on, is doing something for themselves. In the beginning, the Alpha Rise and Shine tends to be the thing they do for themselves. Or they just create that space in the day where they’ve got some time and space for them. And the idea of this is difficult to pour from a cup that’s always being emitted. It’s kind of like the analogy, the plane going down, put your oxygen mask on first. If you constantly giving and you don’t give anything to yourself, then it’s far easier to be reactive in that space. And it’s far easier to resent in that space as well as actually speaking to an amazing man today. And I said, Hey, do you realize how often you complain about your work? You look smiling. Think you know who he is amazing man, and complains about his work a lot. I said, yeah, I really do that a lot, don’t I?, I’m like, Yeah. 

So do you know what I think he’s probably because I’m not doing anything for myself lately. Now, whether that was right or wrong, or the Insight was brilliant, I’m like, let’s go down that train of thought, right? Because he recognizes when he’s not doing something for himself, and he’s doing everything for the people, he then begins to resent. Most things, not just work, but most things, because he doesn’t have anything left to give himself. So the same is true here. Alpha Rise and Shine are doing something for yourself start to do that, because it’s gonna put you in a much better space. Because in doing so you then feel better. And your perspective shifts not only yourself, but also things around you as well. That can be one of the ways that you can lower the resentment. The other thing that I’ll share as well, something we get the men in the inner circle to do every day. And that’s, for those that don’t know, it’s one of our higher end masterminds is just writing down five wins a day. I’ve actually started doing so myself a little boxer dog every day, just not five wins from the previous day, because I love seeing their wins come in, had a habit in the past to do it in journaling, and then stopping and such. But point being is when you train your perspective to look for the things that are right. And living again, again, that can really help to lower the resentment and put you in a much better space to be able to then go and handle things with your wife. And also she picks up on your energy as well. When your energy shifts and you just feel better and you’re lighter, and you’re less stressed and you’re more playful and you’re happier and you’re more positive. That begins to be palpable by the people closest to you.

Doug Holt  9:36  

100% Man, it really is I love the idea that five wins. The first thing I do when I get a new coaching client is I have them do their five wins. And we spill that over to the inner circle. It just works so well because it’s so easy to focus on the negative, especially when things are wrong. And this is why I also recommend if guys are in this situation they start a gratitude practice and the gratitude practice should be a gratitude practice on your wife. And what I mean by that is every day, at least three times, catch your wife and the act of doing something right? Not wrong, just doing something right. could be as simple as taking your kids to school could be as simple as, you know, putting our toothbrush away, whatever it is, make it easy. But every day, find three things that your wife is doing, right? Catch her in the act of doing it right. Now, what I want you to do is write these things down. Three is the minimum three is basic, if you wanna play basic, which is a C in school, right? You have 70%, or better do three, do you want to be do five? Right? Every day, if you want a you’re now going to share these every night with your wife. Hey, call the gratitude night. You know, what I really appreciate about you is a you know, I really appreciate about you also as be a start sharing these now you don’t have to share all five. But every night share at least one thing, if not two, that you appreciate about your wife. Now, if you’re an A plus student, you’re an honor student here, right? You’re a game player, you want it all your dog, um, I didn’t come here for you know, average, I came here for greatness. I love you. First of all, we want you in our tribe, you’re our people. 

Now you’re going to do the five grateful it’s about your wife every single day, and it’s gonna go like this. I love and appreciate my wife your wife’s name, because you’re gonna blissed out it is because she takes care of the children. So therefore, I can focus on my passion, which is my work. And that gives me more bandwidth to do what I love. Right, the more detailed, the better. Then you’re going to sit down with your wife at dinner and say, Hey, babe, let’s do a gratitude sharing. Here’s one thing I really appreciate about you, is there something you appreciate about me and give her the opportunity of sharing as well. Now, she may not have as many she didn’t listen to this podcast, probably, she may not be on the same page as you right now, she may not be on the same development journey that you’re on. So you know, don’t slider for it. If she does it once, that’s something you would be grateful for. But either way you’re going to share, you’re going to share something you are grateful for, for her. And don’t make it robotic. Make it fun, make it light, light. And it can even be something like we walk in the kitchen and just touch her and say, you know, I really want to thank you for what you did for my birthday last year, or whatever it is, if you can’t come up with something that day, go back through your history. Go back to your wedding, go back to dates. If you have children. Hey, you know what, I just want to thank you for giving birth to Bodie and Aspen. Right? Those are my two kids names. Whatever it may be for you find that gratitude and make it easier for yourself. And remember, life’s too short for average, guys, this is time to play big. So get that gratitude practice in right away.

Tim Matthews  12:49  

They’ll have that point. validation as well learning to validate I know a dive deeper within this in The Hidden Motives Technique. But you know, the powerful impact of just seeing somebody write in a real short summary, two things you could do within this. Now the guys in the beginning said they have a hard time getting the wife to open up to them at the end of the day. Hey, how would you they’re fine. They don’t really know where to go from that. Right? So just sticking with it. Okay, well, what was what was fine about it, obviously, remember that 80% of communication is nonverbal. So your body language, tonality, facial expressions, all those things are really important here to create an environment of safety for her. So she wants to open up what feels good opening up. And the more you stick with it, you’ll probably find within five minutes or so maybe less that she’ll begin to open up. And the more that you then make that an enjoyable experience by asking genuinely curious questions about how those experiences must have been and you begin to play in her world. A metaphor that I really like that describes the difference between empathy and validation. Imagine you’re walking along and you see that somebody is falling into a hole. Empathy would you would be you’re looking down in the hall and saying, Oh, you Okay, it looks dark down there. How did you get down? The validation would be you climbing in the hole with them and going, Oh, wow. It’s dark in here, isn’t it? Oh, it’s cold. It’s scary. You share in the experience with them. So figure out how you can do that with your wife as she shared with you about her day. And that can create go a long way in having her feel seen and heard by you. And you begin to stack these positive experiences, like Doug was saying before?

Doug Holt  14:42  

Yeah, and also one thing I really helps couples Tim is planning like regular no screen times, like no screen evenings. So it could be a certain time like dinners as a no brainer, right? You should have no screens at your dinner table in my opinion. Not that I’m telling everybody what to do, but you Just, it’s a good easy one to do. But to have a certain time, when you just like, hey 7pm to 9pm, I’m going to put my phone away, I’m going to put it in a drawer, I’m going to put it someplace that’s not accessible or easily accessible, putting your bathroom door. So you can sneak in the bathroom, if you need to check what you need to check. I get it. But just don’t have it in front of your partner don’t have your phone out at all right? So no, say no screen times and ask her to join you in that say, Hey, look, you know, we’re not as connected as we used to be. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like that, do you? And she’s not gonna like it. So she’s gonna say no, hey, what do you think about doing a no screen time policy. So if it’s hard, maybe it’s one day a week, maybe you started there. But maybe it’s every weekday or just weekends, figure out what it is what’s best for you and your family, and go from there, but have a no screen time policy that you can really, really affect and move forward.

Tim Matthews  15:53  

Hmm, yeah, I love that. It’s a big, big game changer. Especially if, as the guy if he chooses to make sure is fine, he’s on Do Not Disturb or whatever it may be from 8pm or whatever time it may be in the evening. So and she recognizes that and the phone is away in a drawer, you know, subconsciously the story that all that basically says about her is that she matters to him. And she matters to him more than his phone and the technology and whatever’s going on there, she’s more interesting, she’s more desirable. And that can go a hell of a long way.

Doug Holt  16:29  

It can. The last one I want to leave you guys with today. Is, is really simple, right? And simple, yet complex. And what I mean by that is, it’s simple in concept. Some guys is gonna are gonna find it hard. But start something new together, right? Start a new project, start a new class, a new tradition in your home that excites you and excites both of you. Start something, dance classes, cooking classes, I’m gonna start doing cooking with Chef Gregory, who’s a man within the movement, great guy who’s spent a lot of time with him in Argentina, shout out to him, he’s got a cooking class, you can do it online all over the world. You can look up chef Gregory, and you’ll find him do cooking class with him. And that’s a great way of doing it. Another thing you can do is maybe play a sport or activity together, maybe it’s going to the gym and exercising. What I find for most couples is that they move their body that actually really helps them write their kinetic, they can do that. But maybe it’s new tradition every Thursday is date night. Right? If you’re not doing date night, you’re missing some of the basics, right? Again, we talked about grades, that’s a C level missing date night as a D, right? 

D is not for diploma here. Like this is not the way to do it. You have to have a regular date night. Yes, you have to schedule it. Guess what some of you guys are gonna have to schedule sex to just the way it is when things get busy. But having scheduled sex is better than no sex guys. And then also what you want to do when you look at these projects is what’s going to excite your wife, if you go back to the love languages podcast that Tim and I did previously. You know, what is your wife’s love language? If it’s, you know, words of affirmation, is there something or project you can do around that? If it’s acts of service, you know, maybe it’s taking a welding class together. Maybe it’s taking a pottery or woodworking class. I don’t know what it is for you. But you get to figure that out. And take the lead and be decisive. Come up with some options. Don’t just say, Hey, we’re doing this book, say Hey, babe, I love to do something with you. What do you think about taking a woodworking class? No. Okay. Also, there’s this guy, Chef Gregory, that does a cooking class, would you be interested in joining that? Whatever it is for you have a couple of options for her. So she knows that you’re taking the lead and you’ve done your due diligence, just like you wouldn’t business lead. Yeah,

Tim Matthews  18:51  

so true. And I love that point about the options as well. So many guys get so tired of rejection. I think we stopped trying whether it’s initiating sex initiating date night. I think a lot of guys don’t realize shit tests, fitness tests, safety tests, whatever you want to call them, right? Again, I was speaking to tsunami this this morning. And he just shared I went on an incredible debt with his wife over the weekend. Guess what she didn’t want to go she was tired. She want to get dressed up all these things that can sometimes appear. Right before. You’re going to ask him well, how did you handle that? In essence, he was engagement in different it was his energy was great. He was very relaxed. And he just stayed true to what you want to what he first of all, he wanted to go to the restaurant. And also wanted to experience it with his wife. So it’s very detached he had engaged in difference, but at the same time, very clear and decisive and had an amazing evening. And so much search that hey, when can we do this again? Cuz they’re live. They’re both live very busy lives. Stiles. Point being is here, he could recognize ahead of time, these tests that were coming up in the lead up to them going out. And I think a lot of guys don’t realize it and often mistakenly internalize it. And then they get tired of rejection, if you will, and stop trying, even coming up with some options for detonate, they just stopped. So guys, I encourage you, if you resonate with that, to play with the idea that it might not have ever been about you, the nose you were getting in the past. And at the same time, what if you were to just take a little bit of a risk, take a risk and any wrong, take a risk and just point out some crappy options. The key is to be decisive. The key is the energy around it and the energy you bring to it like a duck was saying.

Doug Holt  20:48  

Yeah, it is. I mean, guys being roommates sucks, let’s just call it what it is, you know, when the woman you said, I do too, becomes your roommate. Everything’s harder, business is harder, right? All things are really rough. And I can speak from experience. You know, I had three companies when my wife and I were going through our roughest patch. And that’s all I could think about was how much things sucked. I thought about leaving, I thought I’ve planning all those just suck my energy away to doing so fast forward to today. We’re scaling, we’re scaling at a 10x Multiple right now within TPM, and we’ll talk about how to scale in a future episodes. But that’s because partially I know homebase is secure. I don’t have a roommate, I have a soulmate. And I want that for you guys, too. So guys, go back, take a few of these things. First of all, actually, you know what, I’m gonna take that back, I want you to decide what level you’re gonna play at. Honestly, be honest with yourself, you’re driving a car you’re running, what level we’re gonna play it you can be at the D level, these are diploma that means you need to schedule date nights. That’s it, you’re good. All right, for the C level at a few more things in there, B level keep going a plus. Now are you honors are you going to be an honors player in this game we call life. That’s the case, I really encourage you if you haven’t been through The Activation Method, jump on in jump on in two feet. First, you got to be a business owner, or a C suite executive. That’s just who we serve right now, guys, nothing against the rest of you. That’s just what we do. 

Everybody else we got these podcasts, we have a free Facebook group. But if you want to be at that A plus level in the honors class playing with the big dogs, get into The Activation Method. My life won’t change guys if you join The Activation Method, but your life certainly will. So I want to give you that opportunity to do so. Tim always lovely having you back in the saddle buddy. Always great to check in to check in with you catch up and have you give insights to the men around the world. Gentlemen, as always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show. Alright guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another, just hoping things are gonna change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year. You see I was this guy, so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show, just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action, so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time and get results to be the wolf to wolf is an acronym for wise, open, loving and fierce. Now ask yourself which 1am I and just be honest with yourself there and there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is defend excuse explain react to activated wolf wise, open loving and fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow and go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here. So you can just click it and go over there now to learn more guys, in the moment of insight take massive action go from deactivated to activated, because like I said life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode.